Umm

[secondjag]

[Kaktuscpl]

5 hours ago, secondjag said:

LMAO   the "grow light"

[secondjag]

The Aussie, a Yank, and a Canadian were having a bullshit session on this cruise ship.
The Aussie said, "In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn."
The Yank said, "That's nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift."
The Canadian said, "That's nothing, we have women with vaginas this big." He then stretched his hands so wide it'd do the biggest fish story justice.
"How do you screw them then?" asked the Yank.
"They stretch."

Two West Virginians were having the blue plate special at their favorite diner, when they heard this awful choking sound.
They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a 'possum burger too fast. The first hillbilly said to the other, "Think we autta' help?"
"I reckon," said the second hillbilly.
The first hillbilly got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin yew breathe?" She shook her head no.
"Kin yew talk?" he asked. She again shook her head no.
With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the ass. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.
The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said, "That thar Hind Lick Maneuver works every time."

Little Johnny and his friends were talking about condoms in school one day. Basically, he knew where they were used and their purpose, but not much more than that.
So he decided to go to a local drug store to buy a few in order to learn more about them. As to not waste too much time, he asked the pharmacist if he had any condoms for sale.
The pharmacist replied, "Why yes, we have them three for a dollar."
Johnny replied, I'll take three then."
When the pharmacist tallied the amount the register, the total came to one-dollar and six cents.
Johnny said, "Wait a minute, what's the six cents for, I thought you told me they were three for a dollar."
The pharmacist replied, "That's the tax we put on them."
Little Johnny said, "Oohh, I thought they stayed on by themselves."

 

[secondjag]

A little old lady told a friend of mine the other day, when they were standing in line together, that all she had ever wanted in life was four animals. My friend, who has a large dog, and a big heart for trays said, "Oh really, what kind of animals do you want?"
The little old lady replied, "A mink on my back, a Jaguar in my garage, a tiger in my bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it!"

 

The counter man in the Ice Cream shop saw a customer leaving the drug store across the way, heading for his shop.
The customer entered, set a small Thermos container on the counter and unwrapped a condom. "Here, take this condom.  Drop a scoop of ice cream in it."
The counter man did so, and handed the condom, with its ice cream content, to the customer. 
The customer placed the arrangement in the Thermos jug, and capped the jug.
"What," asked the ice cream purveyor, "is the reason for that?"
"For three months, my wife has been bugging me for a deep freeze. Tonight, I'm going to give it to her."

The daycare teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?"
"A horsey," one child answers.
"And this?" the teacher asks.
"A piggy," replies another youngster.
"And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers.
There was no answer, only total silence.
"Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint. What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"
"I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a horny bastard!"

 

 

[secondjag]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." 
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce , you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." 
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. 'Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own ?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far." 

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

 

An older man was married to a younger woman.
After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex.
He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living.
So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."
She laughed and replied, "And I was coming down to kill you!"

The football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them.
So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"
So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip my cock out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!"
The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom.
He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging his cock on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, "That you, Bubba?"

 

The sailor came home from a secret two-year mission, only to find his wife with a new born baby.

Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend, Sam?" he demanded.

"No!" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.

"NO!" she said even more upset.

"Well, which one of my no-good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

 

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

A very conservative doctor was consulted by an older man who wasn't feeling very well.
After a thorough medical checkup, the doctor said, "Mr. Kramer, I can't find anything specifically wrong with you. I have only one suggestion...that you...eh, eh... give up some of your sex life."
There was a long pause……
And then Mr. Kramer said, "O.K., Doc. But which part should I give up: thinking about it, or talking about it?"

 

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

A doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast.

As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!"

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.

After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"

"I was in bed."

"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"

"Getting a second opinion"

Q: What is the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons?
A: You can also sit upright in a car.

 

[Kaktuscpl]

10 minutes ago, secondjag said:

A doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast.

As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!"

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.

After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"

"I was in bed."

"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"

"Getting a second opinion"

Q: What is the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons?
A: You can also sit upright in a car.

 

LOL I want that shirt  😛

 

[secondjag]

A blonde is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along.  She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up, but she is worried.
She asks, "What if the baby starts coming, and I can't get to the hospital in time."
The doctor replies, "Well, woman have been having babies for a million years without an attendance by doctors. It's a very natural process. The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant."
The blonde interrupts with, "Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window?"

The other day, while Mike was seeing his shrink, the doctor asked him what he looked for in a woman.
Mike replied, "Big tits."
"No, I meant for a serious relationship."
Mike said, "Oh, seriously big tits."
"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?"
"Spend the rest of my life with one woman?" said Mike. "No woman's tits are that big."

Two old friends met at the golf course.
"Hey, how's it going?" asked the first.
"Not so good," answered the second. "My wife's divorcing me."
"Why that's terrible!" said the first. "What happened?"
The second replied, "I made a five and half footer on the eighteen green."
"So what's wrong with making a putt?" asked the first.
The second replied, "It wasn't a putt. It was a brunette."

 

A man was sitting on his front porch one morning while a young couple was moving in next door.

The husband of the couple opened the moving van, removed a hammock, and proceeded to set it up in the back yard.

Meanwhile, his wife was working feverishly unloading boxes.
After a while, the young lady emerged from the house with a cold beer and a pillow and gave them to her husband.

She then proceeded to cut the grass and clean up the yard.
The man couldn't believe what he was seeing, so he walked next door to give the husband a piece of his mind. "Look at you," he said, "sacking out in your hammock while your wife does all the work. You ought to be hung!"
The neighbor smiled and replied, "I am, my friend. I am!"

The Irish had not been to the house for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! 

Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing?  Why didn't you call?  You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"WHAT? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family. I don't want to see you again!"
"OK, Dad, as you wish.  I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-room mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million.

For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)---an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

"Now what was it you said you had become?"
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff ... A Prostitute Dad, ... sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! - You scared me half to death, girl!  I thought you said a Protestant!  Come here and give your old man a hug."

 

 

[secondjag]

The pick-up couple was relaxing after a satisfying session of love making. The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish.
He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one night stand. But he couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't already in one.
"I can't help feeling that we've met before," he said.
"Yeah, I know," sighed the girl stretching. "It happens to me a lot. I think they call this 'deja screw'."

 

[secondjag]

Grandpa was showing Little Johnny around the farm.
When they came to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her."
A little later on, he said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."
That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does I'm eating a hamburger!"

An American couple is in Paris on a long-awaited trip, when suddenly the wife dies of a heart attack. The husband decides to have her buried there since they had looked forward to their visit to France for so many years.
All arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have a black hat for the funeral.  The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a "chapeau noir." So off he goes to find a store that is open late.
First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, "M'sieur, on pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir?"
The policeman is a bit surprised since the American has asked where he can buy a black condom, but, after thinking a bit, he gives our friend directions.
The store - if that is what it is - looks a little seedy and rundown, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes the American and says, "M'sieru, je veux acheter un capeau noir?"
After explaining that he has red, white, and brown condoms, but no black condoms, the man asks the American why he wants a black condom.
After the American says that his wife is dead, the man exclaims, "O Monsieur! Quelle beau sentiment! What a beautiful sentiment!"

 

[secondjag]

Happy St. Pats'

Fred and Jim are having a quiet beer one night when Fred announces that he's going to divorce his wife.
"Good grief," says Jim. "You and Sue are the happiest couple I know. Why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of obvious bliss?"
"Well" replies Fred, "Truth be known I'm just bored with pokin' the same hole night after night after night. I guess I'm hankerin' for a bit of variety."
Jim: "Well if you want variety, why don't you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?"
Fred: "What?! And have a house full of kids?"  

A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door. 
When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex.
Not amused, she slammed the door.  Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. 
Again, she slammed the door and screamed, "Get the hell away!"
Later, she told her husband of the incident.  He said he would stay home the following day just in case. 
Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. 
The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door.
When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, "Yes!"
The man replied, "Great!  Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep the hell away from my wife!"

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.
"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "but I guess it is impossible."
"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."
"You must tell me what you did."
"I went to a faith healer."
"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."
The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."

 

[secondjag]

A certain guy had never had sex in his life, so his friend tells him that he'll take him to a girl who will teach him a few things. He agrees.
Later that week, he's in a motel room with the girl.
She takes off her clothes, and asks him, "Do you know what I want?"
He says, quite honestly, "No."
She lies down on the bed, and asks him the same question again.
Again, he answers "No."
Now, she's not sure exactly what to do, so she spreads her legs all the way; we're talking spread-eagle.
She asks, "Now do you know what I want?"
He answers, "Yeah. You want the whole fukkin bed to yourself!"

The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys.
The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he's sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished.
The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a $5.00 bill.
The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father, . . . you're a virgin."
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.
The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it's a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another $5.00 bill.
Once again the lad looks at the money and says, "Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin".
At this stage the priest decides to take action. "Tommy," he says, "that's twice you've called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?".
"Yes," says the kid, "a tight cunt "

 

[secondjag]

A lady goes on vacation alone to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her. Upon arriving, she meets a very attractive tall dark and handsome native, and after a night of passionate lovemaking, she asks him, "What is your name?"
"I can't tell you!" the native says.
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he will not tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"
"I can't because you will make fun of my name!" the Islander says.
"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
"Fine, my name is Snow," the man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter, and the native gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it."
The lady replied, "It’s my husband that won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in the Caribbean."

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.
Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.
I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.
He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

 

[Peter C]

I might tell my Becky that joke about 10 inches of Snow in the Caribbean. It might encourage her to renew her passport!

[secondjag]

The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself.
The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on.
5'9' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top.
I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.
After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer.
No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.
She said ' Hi ', and I said ' Hi' in return.
She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.
'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked.
'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'
'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'
I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top.
Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast. 'How do you feel now,' she purred.
'OK' I replied.
Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and........ '
" Ahhh...." she growelled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt.
My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet !!!! She snapped, 'Well tell me this, Smart Ass, have you ever felt such a cunt?'
'I certainly have' I answered, 'I missed the goddam kick!'

Little Johnny and Little Mary were walking home from school one day.
As they walked along, they saw two dogs knotted up alongside the road, doing it, well, doggy style.
"What are they doing, Johnny?" Mary asked.
Well, Little Johnny, being a man of the world for all his 12 years, knew what they were doing but was embarrassed to say it, so he said, "Well, he's scaring her."
Little Mary said, "Oh."
They walked a little farther, and Little Mary said, "Scare me, Little Johnny."
Well, Little Johnny thought, "What the Hell." So, he took her into the bushes and "scared" her.
After they were finished, they started walking home again.
Pretty soon, they walked past a stallion mounting a mare in the field.
"What are they doing, Little Johnny?", she asked. "Well, he's scaring her."
So Little Mary said, "Scare me again, Johnny."
Well, Little Johnny took her into the bushes and "scared" her again.
After they were finished, they started walking home again.
Pretty soon, you guessed it, they saw a bull and a heifer in the field, going at it.
"What are they doing, Little Johnny?" she innocently (?) asked again.
"Well, he's scaring her" Little Johnny said once again.
After a few more minutes of walking, Little Mary said, "Scare me again, Little Johnny."
Now Little Johnny, being a little tired by now, had just about had enough, so he yelled out, "Boo, damn it, boo!"

 

[secondjag]

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon Beau, a local "redneck" pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him pick a number from 1 to 10, if he guessed correctly, he would get his Free sex.
Beau then guessed 8, the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Jim-Bob, pulled in for a fill-up, again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time, again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Beau replied, "No it ain'tn, Billy Bob, it's not rigged. My wife won twice last week."

The teacher announces, "The topic of the day is describe your mother to me as a bird, and tell me why."
She leaves the kiddies for a short while and then asks them their answers.
Kelly at the front goes first, "My Mummy's like a swan, because she's white and elegant"
"Thank you Kelly" says teacher, and she continues going around the class.
Bobby says "My Mummy's like a stork, cos she has babies and babies, and I have 7 brothers and 3 sisters."
"Thank you Bobby." says the teacher, and continues with the other students.
Finally there is no-one left but Frankie, so the teacher finally asks him, "Frankie, what bird most resembles your mother?"
Frankie pipes up with "A thrush!"
The teacher, thinking she may finally have a decent answer asks, "Why is that?"
Frankie replies, "Because she's an irritating bitch!"

 

A couple was driving through the countryside in an old, beat-up Mini-Cooper.

The fertile quiet of the scenery began to inspire some lascivious thoughts, so they decided to pull over to the side of the road.
The girl quickly jumped out of the cramped car, stripped, lay spread-eagle one the lush, green grass, and waited. And waited. And waited.
"Honey," she yelled, "If you don't get out of that Mini-Cooper real quick, I won't be in the mood much longer!"
"Baby," he lamented, "If I don't get out of the mood, I won't get out of this here Mini-Cooper!"

Due to economic problems, an employer is forced to fire one of his employees. He has to decide between Jack or Susan.

They are both great workers with exceptional sales. He decides to interview them separately to decide who to fire.

He calls Jack into his office and says, “I will cut to the chase. I need to lay you or Susan off, why should I keep you?”

Jack responds his company will fail without him because his customers are loyal and if he leaves his customers will leave also.

He thanks him for his time and tells him to go back to work.

He calls Susan into his office and says, I'm sorry for this but I need to lay you or Jack off.”

Without skipping a beat Susan says, “Could you just jack off? I have a headache right now.”

 

[secondjag]

The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living.
One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.
When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office.
Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.
So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"
Johnny said, "Yes."
"Well, what did the principal say?"
"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me a pocket full of lollies, and asked for my phone number..."

One day at school, the teacher asked the children what their parents thought was beautiful.
She asked Sally, and Sally replied, "My Mom thinks that flowers are beautiful."
"Why is that," she asked?
"Because she says they smell really nice."
The teacher then called on Tommy, and Tommy replied, "My Dad thinks antique cars are beautiful."
"Why is that," she asked?
"Because, he says they are so old and still preserved in their original form."
Next she called on Little Johnny, and Johnny replied, "My Dad thinks pregnant women are."
"Why is that," she asked?
"Because, when my sister got pregnant, my Dad said, 'Beautiful; just fucking beautiful!'"

 

 

[secondjag]

Three women were sitting around one night talking about their boyfriends when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on kinds of soda.
The first woman said, "I'm gonna call Tom 'Mountain Dew' because he is as strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!"
The second woman said, "I'm gonna call Bruce '7-up' because he has seven inches and it is always up!"
The third woman said, "I'm gonna call my man 'Jack Daniels'."
The other two women responded, "Jack Daniels, but that's a hard liquor."
The third woman replied, "That's my Leroy!"

A third-grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class:
"Mary had a little lamb,
whose fleece was white as snow
And everywhere that Mary went,
the lamb was sure to go."
She explained this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."
A few days later, she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and said,
"Mary had a little pig --
An scrawny little runt.
He stuck his nose in Mary's Clothes
And smelled her little . . ."
He stopped, turned to the teacher, and asked, "Do you want poetry or prose?"
"Prose!" the teacher said weakly.
So Johnny said, " . . . Asshole."

 

[secondjag]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants to Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

Four men went golfing one Saturday.
Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave a friend an entire portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business.
The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar."
The other three men grew silent as he continued, I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing, but he must be doing well.
"His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."

 

[secondjag]

A very loud, unattractive, and mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, madame, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. They must be twins, right?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't no fuckin’ twins! The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind, nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe someone would want to fuck you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

Ok, no apologies for the political stuff.  Feel free to add opposing stuff.  As long as it's funny.

 

[Kaktuscpl]

10 hours ago, secondjag said:

A very loud, unattractive, and mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, madame, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. They must be twins, right?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't no fuckin’ twins! The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind, nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe someone would want to fuck you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

Ok, no apologies for the political stuff.  Feel free to add opposing stuff.  As long as it's funny.

 

I  fucking love Carlin.....LMAO

[secondjag]

workin almost blind here

The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.
"We've been trying for months now, Doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.
"I'm sure we'll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her. "If you'll just take off your underpants and get up on the examining table..."
"Well, all right, Doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby."

 

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her.

Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus.

The man goes to the bus driver and asks her if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.

"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."

The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume.

At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!"

The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty.

The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex.

Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex.

After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"

"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

Back in the Cold War days, Ivan was a diplomat and spy. He was new to the USA and lived in Washington, D.C. for past six months. He soon complained to Boris, his aide, that he needed a woman.

Boris dropped off a high-priced hooker at his door the following Saturday night. Ivan plied her with some vodka and caviar. As she took her top, he noticed that her armpits were shaved. He said, pointing to his own pits, "Vomen in the old country have wool -- they have wool!"

She responded, "It's customary and fashionable to shave our underarms."

They drank more vodka and ate more caviar. She removed her slacks. He noticed that her legs are shaved also. He repeated, "Vomen in the old country have wool -- they have wool!"

Once more, she said, "It's customary and fashionable to shave our legs."

After more vodka and caviar, he pulled down her panties and saw that her privates were trimmed. He exclaimed again, "Vomen in the old country have wool -- they have wool!"

She then asked in loud voice, "Look buddy, do you want to fuck, or knit?"