Umm

[secondjag]

Three old men are discussing their sex lives.

The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex I rubbed her body all over with butter. We made passionate love, and she screamed for 15 minutes.

The old Jewish man says, "Well last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love, and she screamed for 6 hours.

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied, "What could you possibly have done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"

"I wiped my hands on the drapes."

A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him, "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it. The man immediately says, "Omigosh! Four people having sex!"
Next, the doctor draws a circle, at which the man gasps, and says, "One man having sex."
Next, the doctor draws a triangle, which, of course, the patient identifies as, "Two woman and one man having sex."
The doctor put the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe that you have an obsession with sex."
To which the man replies, "Me? You're the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim."
I know, father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree," says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
Anything, Father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes, Sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied, lifting his robe.
"Oh Father, may I touch it?"
This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can produce life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh Father, that's wonderful! Then stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here."

A hillbilly was on trial for making moonshine whiskey. A young neighbor of his was being grilled by the prosecutor.
"Did you ever get any whiskey from him?" asked the prosecutor.
"No, sir!" said the neighbor.
"Did you ever get any from his wife?" he asked.
"No, sir," said the neighbor.
"Did you ever get any from his ?" asked the prosecutor.
The young neighbor thought a minute and said, "Wait. Your Honor, are we still talking about whiskey?"

 

[secondjag]

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time.

After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has sexual intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband!"

A teacher puts a photograph of a tomcat on the blackboard, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat.
Little Mary has the first attempt and answers, "By fur, Miss?"
The teacher replies, "Not quite right, Mary, but a good try."
Meanwhile all during the lesson, Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying, "Me, Miss!" "Me, Miss!"
The next student the teacher's picks is Peter, and he answers "Is it attached by skin, Miss?"
The teacher replies, "Not quite right either, Peter... Anyone else want to try?"
Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to Johnny, "What do you think the tail is attached by?"
Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat, I'd say, it would have to be bolted on!"

After giving a man his annual physical, the doctor said, “You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," the man replied, "I was thinking about getting vasectomy."
The doctor warned, "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor of it 15 to 2."

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.
The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up you look so excited."
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.
The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited."
The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."

 

[secondjag]

A fellow is feeling a little frisky, but true to his wife, goes home.
He finds her sound asleep in the bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
She starts to choke, but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth?"
He says, "Two aspirin."
She replies, "But I don't have a headache!"
He says, "That's all I wanted to hear..."

Little Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing. After a while grandpa becomes  thirsty, and opens up his cooler for some beer.
Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa, can I have some beer too?"
"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked back.
"No."
"Well, then you're not big enough."
Grandpa then takes out a cigarette and lights up. Little Johnny sees this and asks for a cigarette.
"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked again.
"No."
"Well, then you're not big enough."
Little Johnny gets upset and pulls out some cookies. His grandfather says, "Hey, those cookies look good, can I have some?"
Little Johnny asks, "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?"
Grandpa looks at Johnny and senses his trick, so he says, "Well of course I can, I'm big enough."
Little Johnny then says, "Well, then go fuck yourself. These are my cookies."

 

[secondjag]

so, got a million today.  I'll break it into 4 posts.  enjoy.  post 1 of 4

 

[secondjag]

so, got a million today.  I'll break it into 4 posts.  enjoy.  post 2 of 4

 

[secondjag]

so, got a million today.  I'll break it into 4 posts.  enjoy.  post 3 of 4

 

[secondjag]

so, got a million today.  I'll break it into 4 posts.  enjoy.  post 4 of 4

 

[secondjag]

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin.

On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her, 'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and @@@@@@@ his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'

'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests.  Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again.

When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'

'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again.

When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes.

When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'

Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'

Little Johnny and two of his friends were sitting on a front porch one day after school.
Billy looked down the street and saw a bright red Corvette.
"Someday I'm gonna be a lawyer so I can buy me one of those Corvettes," he said.
Robbie looked over at the driveway next to the Corvette and saw a brand new Ferrari.
"I'm gonna be a doctor," he said, "so I can get me a fast Ferrari."
Little Johnny looked over at the other two and replied, "I'm gonna learn how to suck dick when I grow up."
The other two jaws dropped.
"That's what my sister does, and she owns both of those cars," explained Little Johnny.

 

[secondjag]

Little Johnny and Little Willy were twins. For their 13th birthday, Willy got a bicycle while Little Johnny got a little portable radio.
Willy hopped up on his bike and went to town.
On the way he sees the Gerald's house on fire, firetrucks, the whole bit.
He spins around and peddles as fast as he could back home.
"Little Johnny! Little Johnny! Guess what? I saw a fire at old man Gerald's! There were fire engines! Firemen! and EVERYTHING!!!"
Little Johnny looks up and says, "Yeah, I know, I heard about it 10 minutes ago on the news on my radio."
Willy scowls and jealously mutters, "You and your fuckin' radio!" and storms off, to go riding again.
In town he sees just about the most exciting thing ever! Police, sirens, and all kinds of excitement, because the local bank had been robbed.
He races home as fast as he can, starts hollering before he's even completely in the door,
"Little Johnny! Little Johnny! Guess what?"
Little Johnny dryly interrupts with, "The bank was robbed?"
Willy scowls and storms off, muttering, "You and your fuckn' radio!"
Well, this time he pedals clear through town, and out into the countryside on the other side.
A few miles up the road he sees a poor little pig with its head stuck in a fence.
He grins, parks the bike, climbs down the bank, pulls his pants down and gives it to the porker.
Then he races as fast as he could all the way home... "Little Johnny!
Little Johnny! Guess what? I just had my first sexual experience!"
Little Johnny looks up, dismisses Willy with a wave, "Bah! In a pig's ass you did!"
"You and your fuckin' radio!" mutters Willy, as he cycles off.

 

Advice Column About Pregnancy

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question, dip-poop?
Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
A. When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

 

 

[secondjag]

Little Johnny goes into a house of ill repute and asks for a girl with gonorrhea.
The madam nodded and sent him upstairs to a room. Then she called one of her favorites for him. The girl came into the room and started to undress, when he asked, "Do you have gonorrhea?"
"Gonorrhea? I should say not," she replied.
Little Johnny sent her back. The madam sent for another girl and said, "Honey, go upstairs and tell that fool you have the clap. Let's do what we can to make him happy."
The girl agreed, went upstairs and when Little Johnny asked, "Do you have gonorrhea?" she smiled and said, "Of course I do."
"Ok," he said, "Let's do it."
After it was over and they were laying side by side the girl said, "Listen Johnny, I don't really have gonorrhea"
Little Johnny smiled and said, "Well, you do now."

 

[secondjag]

A drunk guy is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom lady a few seats down -- I'd estimate a 44DD bra.
A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them.
The bartender goes over, retrieves the glass and licks the beer off of her breasts. This happens a couple more times.
The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him!
He's lying on the floor and moans, "Why do you let the bartender do that?"
"Because he has a liquor license! You don't!"

A man walks into a bar and winks at a pretty girl at the other end "bartender", he says, "I'd like to buy that lady a drink."
"Don't do it," the bartender says, "She's a lesbian."
"You're crazy," he said, "She's beautiful and she winked back."
So the bartender gives her the drink. A minute later she moves down and thanks the gentleman.
"Bartender," he says, "Give the lady another drink." "I'm warning you," the bartender says as he hands her the drink.
After she finishes this drink she asks if he would like to see her breast. "YES!!!" he says and the woman lifts her blouse.
After the next drink, and another warning from the bartender, she takes his hand and asks, "Would you like to touch my ass?"
The gentleman replies "OH, YES!!!, DEFINITELY!!!" So he sits with his hand on her bottom and asks for another drink.
The bartender, thoroughly impressed by now and convinced he was wrong in his judgement obliges.
After this she asks " Are you ready to taste a hot, wet, sweet pussy?"
"THANK YOU GOD!!!", the man exclaims, and then "YES!!!!!!!"
At this the attractive lady grabs him by his tie pulls him close, kisses him and says, "Hope you enjoyed!"