Umm

[secondjag]

Three old men are discussing their sex lives.

The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex I rubbed her body all over with butter. We made passionate love, and she screamed for 15 minutes.

The old Jewish man says, "Well last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love, and she screamed for 6 hours.

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied, "What could you possibly have done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"

"I wiped my hands on the drapes."

A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him, "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it. The man immediately says, "Omigosh! Four people having sex!"
Next, the doctor draws a circle, at which the man gasps, and says, "One man having sex."
Next, the doctor draws a triangle, which, of course, the patient identifies as, "Two woman and one man having sex."
The doctor put the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe that you have an obsession with sex."
To which the man replies, "Me? You're the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim."
I know, father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree," says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
Anything, Father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes, Sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied, lifting his robe.
"Oh Father, may I touch it?"
This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can produce life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh Father, that's wonderful! Then stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here."

A hillbilly was on trial for making moonshine whiskey. A young neighbor of his was being grilled by the prosecutor.
"Did you ever get any whiskey from him?" asked the prosecutor.
"No, sir!" said the neighbor.
"Did you ever get any from his wife?" he asked.
"No, sir," said the neighbor.
"Did you ever get any from his ?" asked the prosecutor.
The young neighbor thought a minute and said, "Wait. Your Honor, are we still talking about whiskey?"

 

[secondjag]

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time.

After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has sexual intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband!"

A teacher puts a photograph of a tomcat on the blackboard, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat.
Little Mary has the first attempt and answers, "By fur, Miss?"
The teacher replies, "Not quite right, Mary, but a good try."
Meanwhile all during the lesson, Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying, "Me, Miss!" "Me, Miss!"
The next student the teacher's picks is Peter, and he answers "Is it attached by skin, Miss?"
The teacher replies, "Not quite right either, Peter... Anyone else want to try?"
Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to Johnny, "What do you think the tail is attached by?"
Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat, I'd say, it would have to be bolted on!"

After giving a man his annual physical, the doctor said, “You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," the man replied, "I was thinking about getting vasectomy."
The doctor warned, "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor of it 15 to 2."

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.
The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up you look so excited."
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.
The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited."
The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."

 

[secondjag]

A fellow is feeling a little frisky, but true to his wife, goes home.
He finds her sound asleep in the bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
She starts to choke, but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth?"
He says, "Two aspirin."
She replies, "But I don't have a headache!"
He says, "That's all I wanted to hear..."

Little Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing. After a while grandpa becomes  thirsty, and opens up his cooler for some beer.
Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa, can I have some beer too?"
"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked back.
"No."
"Well, then you're not big enough."
Grandpa then takes out a cigarette and lights up. Little Johnny sees this and asks for a cigarette.
"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked again.
"No."
"Well, then you're not big enough."
Little Johnny gets upset and pulls out some cookies. His grandfather says, "Hey, those cookies look good, can I have some?"
Little Johnny asks, "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?"
Grandpa looks at Johnny and senses his trick, so he says, "Well of course I can, I'm big enough."
Little Johnny then says, "Well, then go fuck yourself. These are my cookies."

 

[secondjag]

so, got a million today.  I'll break it into 4 posts.  enjoy.  post 1 of 4

 

[secondjag]

so, got a million today.  I'll break it into 4 posts.  enjoy.  post 2 of 4

 

[secondjag]

so, got a million today.  I'll break it into 4 posts.  enjoy.  post 3 of 4

 

[secondjag]

so, got a million today.  I'll break it into 4 posts.  enjoy.  post 4 of 4

 

[secondjag]

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin.

On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her, 'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and @@@@@@@ his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'

'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests.  Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again.

When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'

'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again.

When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes.

When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'

Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'

Little Johnny and two of his friends were sitting on a front porch one day after school.
Billy looked down the street and saw a bright red Corvette.
"Someday I'm gonna be a lawyer so I can buy me one of those Corvettes," he said.
Robbie looked over at the driveway next to the Corvette and saw a brand new Ferrari.
"I'm gonna be a doctor," he said, "so I can get me a fast Ferrari."
Little Johnny looked over at the other two and replied, "I'm gonna learn how to suck dick when I grow up."
The other two jaws dropped.
"That's what my sister does, and she owns both of those cars," explained Little Johnny.

 

[secondjag]

Little Johnny and Little Willy were twins. For their 13th birthday, Willy got a bicycle while Little Johnny got a little portable radio.
Willy hopped up on his bike and went to town.
On the way he sees the Gerald's house on fire, firetrucks, the whole bit.
He spins around and peddles as fast as he could back home.
"Little Johnny! Little Johnny! Guess what? I saw a fire at old man Gerald's! There were fire engines! Firemen! and EVERYTHING!!!"
Little Johnny looks up and says, "Yeah, I know, I heard about it 10 minutes ago on the news on my radio."
Willy scowls and jealously mutters, "You and your fuckin' radio!" and storms off, to go riding again.
In town he sees just about the most exciting thing ever! Police, sirens, and all kinds of excitement, because the local bank had been robbed.
He races home as fast as he can, starts hollering before he's even completely in the door,
"Little Johnny! Little Johnny! Guess what?"
Little Johnny dryly interrupts with, "The bank was robbed?"
Willy scowls and storms off, muttering, "You and your fuckn' radio!"
Well, this time he pedals clear through town, and out into the countryside on the other side.
A few miles up the road he sees a poor little pig with its head stuck in a fence.
He grins, parks the bike, climbs down the bank, pulls his pants down and gives it to the porker.
Then he races as fast as he could all the way home... "Little Johnny!
Little Johnny! Guess what? I just had my first sexual experience!"
Little Johnny looks up, dismisses Willy with a wave, "Bah! In a pig's ass you did!"
"You and your fuckin' radio!" mutters Willy, as he cycles off.

 

Advice Column About Pregnancy

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question, dip-poop?
Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
A. When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

 

 

[secondjag]

Little Johnny goes into a house of ill repute and asks for a girl with gonorrhea.
The madam nodded and sent him upstairs to a room. Then she called one of her favorites for him. The girl came into the room and started to undress, when he asked, "Do you have gonorrhea?"
"Gonorrhea? I should say not," she replied.
Little Johnny sent her back. The madam sent for another girl and said, "Honey, go upstairs and tell that fool you have the clap. Let's do what we can to make him happy."
The girl agreed, went upstairs and when Little Johnny asked, "Do you have gonorrhea?" she smiled and said, "Of course I do."
"Ok," he said, "Let's do it."
After it was over and they were laying side by side the girl said, "Listen Johnny, I don't really have gonorrhea"
Little Johnny smiled and said, "Well, you do now."

 

[secondjag]

A drunk guy is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom lady a few seats down -- I'd estimate a 44DD bra.
A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them.
The bartender goes over, retrieves the glass and licks the beer off of her breasts. This happens a couple more times.
The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him!
He's lying on the floor and moans, "Why do you let the bartender do that?"
"Because he has a liquor license! You don't!"

A man walks into a bar and winks at a pretty girl at the other end "bartender", he says, "I'd like to buy that lady a drink."
"Don't do it," the bartender says, "She's a lesbian."
"You're crazy," he said, "She's beautiful and she winked back."
So the bartender gives her the drink. A minute later she moves down and thanks the gentleman.
"Bartender," he says, "Give the lady another drink." "I'm warning you," the bartender says as he hands her the drink.
After she finishes this drink she asks if he would like to see her breast. "YES!!!" he says and the woman lifts her blouse.
After the next drink, and another warning from the bartender, she takes his hand and asks, "Would you like to touch my ass?"
The gentleman replies "OH, YES!!!, DEFINITELY!!!" So he sits with his hand on her bottom and asks for another drink.
The bartender, thoroughly impressed by now and convinced he was wrong in his judgement obliges.
After this she asks " Are you ready to taste a hot, wet, sweet pussy?"
"THANK YOU GOD!!!", the man exclaims, and then "YES!!!!!!!"
At this the attractive lady grabs him by his tie pulls him close, kisses him and says, "Hope you enjoyed!"

 

[secondjag]

A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy."
The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.
"Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender brought her a Martini. 
By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. 
She called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn."
Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in the ashtray."

A young bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin, and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So, what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, they guy reaches for his cigarettes But, the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "HEY, IT'S NOT A LIFE SENTENCE!"

 

[secondjag]

A Chief Petty Officer and an Admiral were sitting in the barber shop.

They were both just getting finished with their shaves, and the barbers were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces.
The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"
The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

What should you do if your wife or GF starts smoking?
   A. Slow down.

   B. Use some lubricant.

 

[secondjag]

At the Mahjong game, a matron was bragging to her club members. "That old goat of a husband of mine can't spend a dime without my consent. My lawyer drew up an agreement that will hold up 100% in any court. And when he dies, I get every cent under his last will and testicles."
"You must mean testament," said one of the ladies.
"When I say testicles, I mean testicles," laughed the woman. "Even after he's buried, I'll still have him by the balls!"

 

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed and just about ready to consummate their marriage when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yea... I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone goes back to bed and makes love one more time.

When they finish, he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this darn hole."

 

[secondjag]

A local prostitute was brought before the court of Queen's Bench for solicitation.
The judge was surprised to discover that the young woman was claiming "not guilty" when police had caught her in the act.
The judge questioned her, expressing her surprise.
"I am celibate!" the young woman declared.
"Celibate?" the judge asked, wide-eyed. "How can you claim you are celibate?"
"Because it is my business to be celibate! I sell a bit here, I sell a bit there…………"

Little Johnny goes to school.

His first class is 6^th grade English, and the teacher wants the kids to say what they ate for breakfast and spell it.
The first girl says "toast" -- t o a s t.
The second boy says "eggs" -- e g g s.
Little Johnny says "fuckin nothing" -- f u c k i n g   n o t h i n g.
The teacher stands him in the corner till lunch.
After lunch Little Johnny is allowed to take his seat.
The first class after lunch is geography. The teacher wants to know where the Polish border lies.
Little Johnny shoots up his hand and says, "He's at home on top of my mom. That's why I got fucking nothing for breakfast!"

 

 

[secondjag]

A 75-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 27-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.
  When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?" "Oh, it was beautiful," says the man.
"The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we--"
His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"
"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."

A man is urinating one day when the end of his penis drops off.
He thinks, "This is probably not a good thing," so he picks up the knobby end and sticks it in his pocket, then races off to the doctor.
He waits in the surgery for a bit, then he's called in.
The doctor greets him and asks, "What's the problem?"
"Well, doctor, I was urinating and my knob fell off. Here it is." And he reaches into his pocket and hands the piece to the doctor.
The doctor looks, frowns, then replies, "What are you talking about? This is a marshmallow!"
"Well, that can't be right! I ate my last marshmallow on the way in here!"

 

[secondjag]

more

 

[secondjag]

more

 

[secondjag]

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to save any money to do so.
One day they came with an idea -- each time they have sex, they will put $20 bill into piggy bank.
They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year.
After that time, they decided that there is enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank. The husband looked at their savings and said, "Isn't it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20 into piggy. But here we have many $50 and a few $100 bills."
The wife replied, "Do you think that everybody is as cheap as you are?"

Mary and her husband were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy morning. 
He suddenly said, 'Mary, if I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.'
'Now why would you want me to do something like that?' Mary asked.
'I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff....'
'What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

 

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked right in.
She was shocked to see her -in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the -in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the -in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. Her mind ruminated over this for quite some time.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said

 

[Peter C]

[secondjag]

A young guy was complaining to his boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend.
"She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed.
"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife" replied the boss. "Whenever she got out of hand, I'd take her pants down and spank her."
Shaking his head the young guy replied, "That doesn't work. Once I get her pants down, I'm not mad anymore."

 

Stanley is looking for a new desk for his office, He spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop window. He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
"That desk is going for $5,000," says the shopkeeper.
"$5,000 for an old desk? That’s outrageous!" exclaims Stanley.
"Ah," says the shopkeeper, "but this is a magic desk."

He turns to the desk and asks, "Desk, how much money do I have in my pocket?"
The desk taps one of its legs on the floor four times. The shopkeeper turns out his pocket and, sure enough, there are four dollars in coins there.
"Wow, that’s pretty cool," says Stan. "Alright, desk, how much money does my wife have in her bank account?"
At this, the desk goes wild, manically banging all four of its legs up and down repeatedly for over five minutes non-stop.
"Darn, where did she get all THAT from?" wonders Stanley.
The desk's legs slide apart and its drawers drop down.

Little Johnny was all out of sorts one morning.
When his father asked him what the problem was, the kid said, "I'm mad at mommy, ‘cause she eats birds."
His father said he didn't know what Little Johnny was talking about.
Little Johnny replied, "I was up late last night and heard noises coming from your bedroom.
When I listened at your door, I heard mom say, 'should I swallow it or let it fly'!"

Garge, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist in Newfoundland. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him in Gander for paintings.
One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Garge if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Garge asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.
In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Would be me pleasure ma'am. Missus says it's okay. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I has ta leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes."

 

Little Albert was taking a bath one day, when his mother came in to use the bathroom.

Curiously, he viewed his mother's anatomy while she was sitting down.
"Mommy,", Albert asked, "what's that between your legs?"
His mother replied, "Why that's where your dad hit me with an axe."
"Came awfully fuckin' close to your cunt, didn't he?" he replied.

 

 

[secondjag]

I was shopping the other day and found myself face to face with this drop dead gorgeous blonde. Talk about built.
I couldn't help but just stare, leer, and lust might be better words, at her, so much so that my mouth damn near dropped open and I was almost drooling.
The blonde caught me staring, and rightly suspected I wasn't just admiring her outfit. She said, "Are you often troubled by indecent thoughts?"
Smiling, I replied, "No, ma'am. Actually, to be honest, I rather enjoy them."

 

One day, a raggedy looking woman carrying a large paper bag walks into the bank and asks to see the bank manager.

The receptionist is hesitant, but when she sees the large amount of cash in the bag, she escorts the lady into the manager's office. The raggedy old lady says she'd like to open an account.

Naturally, the bank manager is extremely curious as to where this woman got all this money, so he asks her.

She replies, "I make bets."

He says, “what sort of bets?”

She replies, “for example, I'll bet you $10,000 that your balls are square.”

He laughs and says to her, “That's ridiculous! I'll take that bet!”

She agrees and tells him that because it's a large amount of money, she'd like to bring her lawyer in the next day at 10 am and they can settle the bet.

Bank manager agrees.

All night long, he's wondering how in the world this woman could possibly win this bet.

Next morning, she arrives with her lawyer and tells the bank manager to drop his pants so they can settle the bet.

He does.

She says, “I have to feel them to make sure!”

He reluctantly agrees.

Just then, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall. “What's wrong with your lawyer?” the manager asks.

“Oh, nothing,” she answers. “It's just that I bet him $50,000 that I'd have the bank manager's balls in my hand at 10 o'clock this morning.”

The newlyweds were suffering from sexual exhaustion, and after an examination, their doctor advised, "It's not unusual for young people to ‘overdo’ things during the first weeks of marriage. What you both need is rest. For the next month I want you to limit your sex life to those days of the week with an ‘R’ in them. That is, Thursday, Friday and Saturday."
Since the end of the week was approaching the newlyweds had no immediate difficulty following the medico's orders. But on the first night of scheduled rest the young bride found herself eager as a beaver.
Hubby fell asleep, but she tossed and turned and finally nudged her spouse into partial wakefulness.
Expecting daylight, and confused with the darkness, he asked, "What day is it honey?"
She looks at him with a gleam in her eyes and says, "Mondray."

 

[secondjag]

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. 

She stands next to him while he gets his hair cut, and she eats a snack cake.

The barber says, “Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your twinkie.”

The little girl smiles and says, “Yes, I know. And I’m going to get boobs, too.”

 

[secondjag]

Lori, a pert and pretty Nurse, took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.
"Doctor, you must help me." she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."
"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

 

[Peter C]

Her mate asked my girlfriend why she hadn't changed gynecologists, seeing as the new one was a good looking young black guy and the other one was an old white man.

"Ah!", my girlfriend replied, "But the old one's hands shake..."

 

As I went into my girlfriend's apartment block, I heard the caretaker bragging to the postman that he'd fucked every woman in the block bar one.

When I told my girlfriend she said, "I bet it's that ugly bitch at number 7..."