Umm

[secondjag]

Mary, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any boys at the age of 19.
Today she was asking her aunt Martha for advice with boys.
"Aunt Martha," she started, "I've just started French kissing Tommy, and I need to know where the spit should go. I don't want to dribble on my boyfriend."
"Swallow." Her aunt advised. "This will make you even more popular later on."

 

A couple were making love in a 5 Series BMW, when the bloke's back seized up.

The ambulance men were afraid to move him in case of serious damage to his spine. So the police decided to use the 'jaws of life'.
They simply cut the entire top of the car off so the patient could be safely lifted out without bending.
When the ambulance departed the girl sat weeping beside the abbreviated 5 Series BMW.
Feeling sorry for her, a cop patted her on the shoulder. 'He'll be all right,' he reassured her.
The girl rounded on him savagely. 'Oh, sod him,' she exclaimed. 'How am I going to explain to my husband what happened to his BMW?"

 

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

The bar room was crowded.
All of a sudden, the cute little thing on the stool began to cry.  All talk stopped, as heads turned towards her.
The barkeep asked, "What's the trouble, Sweetie?"
She sobbed, "I'm a virgin, and my boyfriend won't have anything to do with me because I'm inexperienced. What should I do?"
Three men and a lesbian were killed in the rush.

Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."
This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue. A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years.
She greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today."
"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."
But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today."
Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant. Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary.
"Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."
"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning."
Mother Superior was floored!
"Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me." Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face.
"Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."

 

[secondjag]

forgot these

 

[secondjag]

When a horse-playing golfer named Trey
Goosed a girl in the rough one fine day
He found her, though willing,
Just barely fulfilling....
"I would rate her," said Trey, "a par lay."

When a corpulent spinster named Snow
Was approached by a dwarf for a blow,
She replied, "I have pride!
Your request is denied!
I could never, sir, stoop quite that low!"

 

[secondjag]

Did you know you can distinguish a alligator vs a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

How can a cemetery raise burial prices and blame it on the cost of living?

 

[secondjag]

The recently married young woman was weeping and pouring out her heart and troubles to the church's appointed marriage counsellor.

"Isn't there some way, without turning into a nag, that I can keep my husband in line?" The counsellor scowled.

"Well young lady," he said, "maybe that's the problem. Your husband shouldn't have to wait in line!"

A professor told his class. “Fame will come to you only after you succeed.” A blonde asked him, “Who’s seed?”

 

Stanley is looking for a new desk for his office and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop window. He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
"That desk is going for $5,000," says the shopkeeper.
"$5,000 for an old desk? That is outrageous!" exclaims Stanley.
"Ah," says the shopkeeper, "but this is a magic desk." He turns to the desk and asks, "Desk, how much money do I have in my pocket?"

The desk taps one of its legs on the floor four times. The shopkeeper turns out his pocket and, sure enough, there are four dollar bills there.
"Wow, that is pretty cool," says Stan. "Alright, desk, how much money does my wife have in her bank account?"

At this, the desk goes wild, manically banging all four of its legs up and down repeatedly for over five minutes non-stop.
"Darn, where did she get all THAT from?" wonders Stanley.
The desk's legs slide apart and its drawers drop down.

A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee. Being the avid golfer he was, he once again bore down on the ball, and right in the middle of his backswing a guy in a white coat ran out of the woods and asked him if a naked lady ran past.
Our golfer said "Yes, she ran into the woods."
The guy in the white coat said thanks and ran after her. Our golfer again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another man in a white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon bucket of sand and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat come through here chasing a naked lady. He said, "Yes, they ran that way through the woods."
The man said thanks and started to run off when the golfer stopped him and asked, "Hey, what's going on?"
The guy explained, "You see we work at a sanitarium institution nearby and every now and then that girl gets away and all she wants to do is get naked and fuck."
The golfer then asked, "Well what's the bucket of sand for?"
The guy in the white coat said, "Oh, that's my handicap. You see, I caught her last time!"

 

[secondjag]

A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid.
The maid, with her Gaelic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself."
The rich woman just swallowed and said nothing.
"And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"
"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"
"No, Madam," said the maid. "Not your husband... the mailman!"

 

Long after Dorothy, Toto, and the rest of the gang left the land of Oz, Good Witch Glenda of the North was horribly bored. She spent her days just floating around in her little bubble gazing at the land of Oz, hoping for someone to help or inspire.
One day, while floating around in her bubble, she passed over a pond and saw a lonely little yellow toad perched on a lily pad. He looked extremely depressed.
She floated down to the toad and asked him what could be the matter.
"Oh Good Witch Glenda, you are right. I AM horribly depressed. I am completely colored yellow, whereas all the other little toads in the pond are green. Won't you please help me?"
Mustering up all of her kind heartiness and good will, she waved her magic wand over the toad, and his color changed to green. That is, all except his 'private parts.'
They remained bright yellow. "Good Witch Glenda! Thank you so much, but my lower extremities! They're still yellow, while the rest of me is green!"
"Oh, I'm sorry, dear little toad. My powers are strong, but apparently not strong enough.
The only person who may be able to help you might be the Wizard, the Wizard of Oz."
So, in hopeful anticipation, he began hopping off toward the castle, where the Wizard of Oz resided.
Glenda the Good Witch continued her surveillance of the land of Oz, floating around in her bubble.

As she was passing over a pasture, she looked down to spot a pink elephant who looked horribly depressed.
"Oh, Good Witch Glenda, you are right. I am horribly depressed. I am completely colored pink, whereas all the other elephants in the pasture are gray. Won't you please help me?"
Mustering up all of her kind heartiness and good will, she waved her magic wand over the elephant, and his color changed to gray... That is, all except his 'private parts.' They remained cheerfully pink.
"Good Witch Glenda! Thank you so much, but my lower extremities! They're so pink while the rest of me is gray!"
"Oh, I'm sorry, dear elephant. My powers are strong, but apparently not strong enough.
The only person who may be able to help you might be the Wizard, the Wizard of Oz."
"Well, that's fine and dandy, but where may I find this fabled 'Wizard of Oz?'"
And Glenda, The Good Witch said, "Just follow the yellow-pricked toad!"

 

[secondjag]

A man comes home with his , whom he has just taken to work with him.
The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"
Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system, and is very efficient."

"Oh. I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you laid her down on the couch."

 

[secondjag]

An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a Podiatrist's office instead, and weaves over to the receptionist.
Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, “Stick it through that curtain.”
Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.
“That’s not a foot!” screams the nurse on duty.
“Holy shit, lady!” the drunk exclaims, “I never knew you had a minimum!”

 

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So, one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than the real thing.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him. "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy. You explain the kids!"

A horsefly kept biting an elephant near her tail. She kept swinging her trunk, but he was far out of reach.
A little sparrow observed this and flew down and snipped the horsefly in half.
"Oh, thank you!" said the elephant. "Listen, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't hesitate to ask."
The sparrow paused. "Well, ma'am," he said.
"What is it," said the elephant. "You needn't be shy with me."
"Well," said the sparrow, "the truth is that all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck an elephant."
"Go right ahead," said the elephant. "Be my guest!"
The sparrow began to fuck away. Up above them, a monkey got very excited and started to masturbate. This shook a coconut loose and it hit the elephant smack on the head.
"Ouch!" said the elephant.
The sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you, dear?

A teenaged girl goes to confession.
"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.
"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"
"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he also touched my breasts."
"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he took off my clothes."
"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
"Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
"Yes father," she says sometime later.
"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he has AIDS."
"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"

 

[secondjag]

"My doctor says if I don't give up sex, I'll be dead in a week." "Why is that?" "I'm playing around with his wife."

A few years ago a man who was openly gay was elected as the Mayor of Key West, Florida. 
After the election results were in, a hoard of reporters surrounded him and began asking him questions on how he won. 
A young reporter walked up to him and said: "Mr. Mayor, I understand that you used a basic grass roots campaign to win, met lots of people, shook lots of hands, kissed lots of babies...I even heard that you kissed a parakeet."
The mayor replied: "That's right young man, I brought the campaign to the people, but I must correct you on one point, I did not kiss a parakeet -- I kissed a Cock-or-two."

A Jew, a Catholic, and a Mormon were having coffee in a café following an interfaith meeting.
The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."
The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons. One more and I'll have a football team."
To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

 

[secondjag]

How do you make your husband scream during sex?

Call him and let him hear it.

McCreedy is sitting at the bar jerking his meat. The bartender says, "Look, Mac, you've got to get out of here." The drunk says, "Are you kiddin'? I can't leave.  I can't walk. Hell, I'm so drunk, I don't even know who I'm fuckin'!"

 Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterward they're just lying there, enjoying the nearness of each other.
The phone rings, and because it's the woman's house, she reaches over and picks up the receiver.
Her lover looks over and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation. She is speaking in a cheery voice.
"Hello? Oh, hi! So glad you called. Really. That's wonderful! I'm so happy for you. Sounds terrific. Great! Thanks! Okay. Buh-bye."
She hangs up the phone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, " that was my husband telling me what a wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

 

A newlywed couple is getting ready for bed when the husband says, "Honey, now that we're married, it's okay for me to see your body. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?"
She opens her robe and lets her husband see her naked body.
And he says, "You are so so so beautiful. Can I get the camera and take a picture?"
"Why do you want to do that?" she asks.
"Because I love you so, so, so much, and I'd like to keep your picture next to my heart forever!"
She allows him to get the camera and take the picture.

Then she says, "Honey, now that we're married, it's okay for me to see your body too. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?"
He opens his robe and lets his wife see his naked body.
And she asks, "Can I get the camera and take a picture?"
"Why do you want to do that?" he asks her.
"Because I want to get it enlarged!"

 

[secondjag]

A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer.
The bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked "What's the problem, pal?"
"My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his neighborhood that pays $40 for a donation."
"Yeah, so?"
"Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!"

 

What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down?
Your wife!

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the wife said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time." The husband thought for a few moments, then said, "Your pussy is tighter than your sister's."

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
Being old school he took a rag, soaked it with a little gasoline, and dabbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

 

[secondjag]

A woman stands naked across the street watching me masturbate, and I’m the pervert?

What did the leper say to the hooker after she gave him a blow job?
Keep the tip.

Why are condoms transparent?
So the sperm can enjoy the scenery, silly.

Four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to Oz.

After frightening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard himself.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."
"No problem," says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward and says, "Well... Well... Well... I need a brain."
"Done," says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD?"
Up steps George Bush sadly: "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I've heard that it's true," says the Wizard. "Consider it done."
Then there is a great silence.
Bill Clinton just stands there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"
"Is Dorothy around?"

 

[secondjag]

A redneck took his 14-yr old to the Gynecologist.
They waited in the Doctor's office until the Doctor finally came in.  He asked the father:  "Well, what are we here for today"?
The father answered: "to get my on birth control, Doc."
"Well, is your sexually active?" asked the Doctor.
"No", answered the redneck, "she just lays there, like her mother."

 

A Man shouts to his wife, “Come here and look at my clock.” She walks in to find him naked with a hard on. She says, “That's not a clock.” He says. “Tt will be when you put two hands and a face on it.”

A man walks into a brothel and approaches a beautiful Oriental courtesan. "Is it true Asian women's vaginas are slit sideways?" he asks. "Why?" she responds. "Are you a harmonica player?"

On the first day of the school term the shop teacher was surprised to see a rather proper-looking young lady sitting in the front row of his classroom.

Her name was Emily, and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodwork class.
The bemused teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class. Emily assured him that she was.
The teacher, still somewhat puzzled, added, "This course may be a bit out of your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools?"
"What exactly do you mean?" Emily asked.
"Well, for example, do you know the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the teacher expounded.
After pondering for a moment, Emily admitted, "I can't really say, since I've never been 'bolted' before."

A fellow is feeling a little frisky, but true to his wife, he goes home.
He finds her sound asleep in the bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
She starts to choke, but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth?"
He says, "Two aspirin."
She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!"
He says, "That's all I wanted to hear..."

A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton.
The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting.
The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud.
"This is not the 1928 Mouton."
The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton.
Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.
"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine."
Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928.
"I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton.  You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."
Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear.
Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers.
You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes."

 

[secondjag]

A guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish.

He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one-night stand. But he couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't already in one.
"I can't help feeling that we've met before," he said.
"Yeah, I know," sighed the girl stretching. "It happens to me a lot. I think they call this 'deja screw.'"

A guy walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I've got a permanent erection. It was fun at first, but now it throbs. It's painful. You gotta help me."
The guy pulls down his pants and he's got a huge erection.

The doctor takes two fingers, and smacks the guy's pecker. An ugly bug jumps off, and his pecker goes limp.
The guy says, "Gee, Doc, that's great. What do I owe you?"
The doctor says, "If you help me find that bug, you don't owe me anything."

 

[secondjag]

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV.

She looks at her husband and winks at him.

He gets the message, and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes, boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."
Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents’ bedroom is ajar.

He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.
"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts just for sucking our thumbs."

A Professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first-year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what is your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

Sadie had been widowed for a few years and very lonely, and finally consented to going out on a date with Morris, the gentleman her fixed her up with.
Morris picked up her and they went on a picnic in a very secluded spot.
Morris also had been widowed for a long time and found himself very attracted to Sadie, and despite her resistance at first to his advances, he finally was able to make love to her.
Sadie was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed "I don't know how I can face my , knowing in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!"
Morris said "What do you mean "twice" we only did it once?"
Sadie looked at Morris and said, "...Well, we're going to do it again, aren't we?"

 

Mickey Mouse visits his lawyer one day.
He says to his lawyer, "Tell me, what’s the current status with the divorce to Minnie?"
His Lawyer replies, "Well I've got to tell you Mickey, I have a bit of a problem with your case. You can't just divorce your wife because she's stupid."
Mickey turns to him and says "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me. I never said she was stupid. I said she was fucking Goofy!"

One Sunday our regular organist, an older man, had a bad case of the flu and asked his nephew, Bobby, to fill in for him. While Bobby was not as good as his uncle, he was still a passable musician. But what really got people's attention was that Bobby was a stunningly handsome man, and so ended up distracting many a young woman's mind from the hereafter to what was, so to speak, over here.
Well, needless to say, these women were disappointed when the regular organist returned the next weekend, but kept up hope -- while praying for forgiveness for wishing such a thing -- that the old organist would again fall ill so they might again have their favorite "substitute".
Things being as they may, and Ohio having chilly winters, the organist again caught the flu and asked his nephew to fill in. This time, one of the women, a buxom lass by name of Betty, took opportunity by the... horn, and, intercepting him after church, asked him on a date.
So Betty and Bobby, being young and carefree, had a spectacular first date, where they connected in conversation, connected in dance, and, well, connected back at his place.
But the next morning, while dressing, Betty seemed glum, and not just from a hangover. When Bobby asked, she said, rather bluntly, "You didn't warn me you had such a small organ."
Without missing a beat, Bobby smoothly replied, "You didn't warn me I would be playing in such a large cathedral."

 

[secondjag]

A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained.
"I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"

 

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents were dead (and the cow), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So, the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right."

And while the son tried his best (seven times), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request.

Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?"

And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."

Then the young son asked, "Wait, how do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please." A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

John: Dad, there's a girl I like. She's beautiful. I want to go out with her.

Dad: Who?

John: The girl across our street, Nina.

Dad: Oh no, you can't. Don't tell Mom, but she's your sister.

John was furious, but a week has passed and he fell in love again.

John: Dad, I think I'm in love. She's prettier.

Dad: who?

John: She lives beside our house, name's Ana.

Dad: Oh son, I pity you but you can't date her. She's your sister as well. I'm sorry but it happened more than once.

John was furious. He decided to talk to his mother.

John: Mom, I hate dad! I can't date the 5 ladies I fell in love with just because they're dad's daughters to different women.

Mom: Oh, don't mind what your father said. You can date whoever you want. He's not your father.

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her inner right thigh just below her bikini line.
She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" down on her inner left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your inner thighs?"
She says, "I'm sick and tired of my man complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!" 

 

 

[secondjag]

Do you know about the teenager who came down from her 2nd floor room to meet her date, wearing a see-through blouse.
Grandmother was sitting in the living room, and berated the girl that it was indecent to go out like that.
The girl replied that Grandma should "get with it. Nowadays girls like to show off their 'rosebuds'", and went off on her date.
The next night, same scenario, but this time grandma was sitting in the living room with nothing on from the waste up. The teenager, yelled, "Oh, Grandma, you can't sit there like that! My date is coming!"
To which Grandma replied, "Get with it, Honey. If you girls can show off your 'rosebuds', I can show off my 'hanging baskets'"

 

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.  Of course, she is really enjoying this, and her nipples are firming as she becomes a bit aroused.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay... How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't," she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

One of the most famous philosophers in history was René Descartes. Many of his principles are well known to all students of math and philosophy. Remember the Cartesian graphs we labored over in high school algebra and geometry.
Descartes was also famous for his philosophical musings, such as "I think, therefore I am."

One story suggests that he was once asked his opinion on a question and he replied, "I don't think so." He promptly disappeared, but that is not the story we are telling today.
René Descartes and his wife were, on the surface, a happy couple, but Madame Descartes had a secret. She was a bi-sexual, and when René was not able to satisfy her completely, she would often wander out during the evening and partake of the pleasures of the Parisian prostitutes. This was, she thought, a harmless pleasure, and she saw no reason to disturb or worry her husband about her occasional trysts with the pleasurable prostitutes of Paris.
As we all know, such a secret life cannot remain secret for long. René discovered his wife's infidelity, and he confronted her. He issued an ultimatum: "Either you give up your liaisons with these women, or our marriage is over and I'm leaving."
Madame Descartes saw that her life with Rene was much too important and fulfilling to sacrifice for her occasional pleasures, and she agreed to forsake her indiscretions. She decided that in the interests of family harmony, to put Descartes before the whores.

 

[secondjag]

A man decided to take the opportunity, while his wife was away, to paint the toilet seat.
The wife came home sooner than expected, sat and got the seat, which then stuck to her rear.  She was understandably distraught about this, and asked her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She put on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifted his wife's coat to show the doctor their predicament.
The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor said, "But never framed!"

 

[secondjag]

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest, fattest woman, and a bologna sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

A teacher is instructing her 4th grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.'
She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands.
"Carl," she says.
Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps 'cause they're contagious."
"Very good," says the teacher.
Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious."
The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!" Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?"
Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, 'Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence.'"

 

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.

The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe and cover yourself," he said.

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station.

Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do... he's in too far!"

 

[secondjag]

An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband "Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years."

"Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast 

table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds."

"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old 

time's sake?"

So, they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table.

"You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago."

"I'm not surprised," replies the old man.  "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

Once at the time of the world war, the soldiers were looting all villages, of food, wine and women.
Before they could enter one such village, the villagers decide to scoot, except for one young man, who had an 80-year-old grandmother. So, the soldiers found the one occupied house and tore inside.
"Bring us some food!" they demanded.
The young man said, "But I have only half a loaf of bread."
"War is War, bring us the food!" So he gives his last morsel of food.
"Bring us some wine!"
"But I doubt if there is any in the house, you know how things are these days!"
"War is War, bring us the wine!" So the young man manages half a bottle and gives it to them.
"Now, bring us a woman!" He said, "But everyone has left the village. The only female here is my 80-year-old grandmother!"
"War is War, bring her to us!"

The old woman is brought and she's so frail and weak that the soldiers decide against it and say, "We’ll let you off this time.'"
Granny says, "The hell you will, War is War!"

Morris a ninety-year old man lived in a retirement home and got a weekend pass.
He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink.
He noticed a seventy-year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink.
As the evening progressed, Morris, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on.
Two days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor.
After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.
The old man said, "Sure did!"
The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived.
"Yes,...but why?"
"Well you'd better get over there... you're about to cum."

 

[secondjag]

Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations.

He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he hadn't seen in almost four years.
As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a purple heart on!"
To which the mother replied, "I don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Joneses' for a couple hours."

This hillbilly kid goes into a drugstore and asks the druggist for a box of condoms.
The druggist says, "How old are you, son?"
The kid replies, "Eleven."
"I can't sell you any condoms," the druggist says. "You're too young."
The kid says, "Gimme some rubbers or I'll call a cop."
"All right, cool it," the druggist says to the kid.
"What kind of condoms do you want?"
The kid tells him, "Gimme the French ticklers."
The druggist says, "Listen, kid. Do you know what one of those things will do to a woman?"
"No," the kid replies, "but I hear they make a sheep jump pretty high!"

 

Joe met Suzi in a nightclub.

They enjoyed each other's company very much, and at the end of the evening Suzi invited Joe to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Suzi began tenderly stroking Joe's manhood.

Surprised but appreciative, Joe comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more?

Suzi replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine... "

 

[secondjag]

A sweet, beautiful young would-be starlet comes to Hollywood to seek her fortune.

At her first power cocktail party she goes to the host and asks him: "Who's the most powerful man in the room?"

"That would be Bob, over there by the caviar," he says.

The young woman walks over to Bob and says, "Excuse me, Bob, would you mind stepping back behind this column? I'd like to talk to you."

Bob and the girl step behind the column and she says, "Bob... I'm gonna unzip your fly, take out your cock, and give you the best blowjob you ever had...!"

Bob smiles slightly and says, "Well, okay. But.............. what's in it for me?"

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular checkup.
"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut,
It seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might Be a hemophiliac?"
"Well," the doctor answered, "hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac.
Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?"
After calculating for a moment the hooker replied,
"Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 x 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"
She acknowledged that she did understand.
So, the rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde. The man asks, "Tell me, lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

 

[secondjag]

What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.

There was a young lady named Flo.
Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
So they tried it all night
'Till he got it just right.
Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.

There was a young lady from Wheeling
Who professed to no sexual feeling.
Til a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris,
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.