Umm

[secondjag]

Two fellows from the deep South were sitting around talking one afternoon.

After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and have sex with your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about that, but it sure would make us even."

 

"I've got to get to the doctor and renew my prescription of birth control pills. I can't afford to get pregnant!" said Rosie to Nina. "But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy," Nina responded. "He did. That's why I can't afford to get pregnant."

 

An Essex girl (blonde) is crossing the road, when she gets hit by an XR3.

As she is lying on the ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of the car to see if she is alright.
"I'm so sorry luv! I just didn't see ya. Are ya OK?" he blurts out.
"Everyfink is just a blur, I can't see a fing" she says, tearfully.
Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight. He asks, "How many fingers have I got up?"
"Ah fuckin' 'ell NO!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm paralyzed from the waist down an all!"

 

[secondjag]

"Good morning, ma'am, I've come to ask for collections, for the Salvation Army," said the man in the bright red Santa suit to the woman who opened the door wearing nothing but panties and a see-through negligee.

 "How do I know that?" the young woman replied. "How do I know you're really with the Salvation Army? How do I know you aren't some sex fiend who has come to take advantage of a poor, defenseless female who's all alone in her house... and will be until 5:30pm this evening?"

A lovely young girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says. "Come again?" says the worker, cupping his ear. "No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

 I heard about a college girl who went to a fraternity beer party, got drunk, spent the night with one of the frat boys and soon discovered she was pregnant. After her baby was born, she decided to write a book about her experience, which she chose to call: "From Beer to Maternity"

There was a young fellow named Simon,
Who tried to discover a hymen,
But he found every girl,
Had relinquished her pearl
In exchange for a solitaire diamond.

 

 

[secondjag]

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!"
"Oh NO! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive."
"I also heard that you've been calling me fat?!?"
"Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are."
"I've also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!"
"Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep. A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

 

Two out of work bums decided that they would be better off in a more downtown location...so they hitched a ride.
The driver dropped them off in the city's red-light district.
A hooker approached one of the bums and said, "Hey guy...would you like a hand job?"
The bum shook his head and said, "errr...no its okay!"
A few minutes later another hooker approached the bums and said, "Hey guy...would you like a blow job?"
The bum again shook his head and said, "errr...no its okay!"
After the hooker left the bum turned to his buddy and said, "We'd better go back where we came from, we've only been here 10 minutes and we've been offered two jobs already!"

 

 

[secondjag]

At the cinema a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was playing herself furiously.
He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help.
She welcomed his help, and so the man started playing her like crazy.
When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands.
Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.
"Great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"

 

What's the definition of a good salesman?
A really great salesman is one who can actually make his wife feel sorry for the girl who lost her panties and bra in his car.

An old maid was held up in a dark alley. She explained she had no money, but the robber insisted that it must be in her bra, or in her panties and started feeling around.
"I told you I haven't got any money," the spinster said, "but if you keep doing that, I'll write you a check."

There was a young fellow named Gluck
Who found himself shit out of luck.
Though he petted and wooed,
When he tried to get screwed
He found virgins just don't give a fuck.

"You're in remarkable shape for a man your age," said the doctor to the ninety-year-old man after the examination.
"I know it," said the old gentleman. "I've really got only one complaint: My sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?"
The doctor's mouth dropped open. "Your what?" he gasped.
"My sex drive," said the old man. "It's too high, and I'd like to have you lower it if you can."
"Lower it!" exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the ninety-year-old gentleman was saying. "Just what do you consider 'high'?"
"These days it seems like it's all in my head, Doc," said the old man, "and I'd like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can."

 

[secondjag]

Definition of vagina:
The box a penis comes in.

 As a hooker was dressing afterwards, she turned to her customer and  asked, "Have you just gotten out of prison?" "Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have sex from the rear?" "Partly," she said. "But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'

A woman went to a pet shop and spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that read $50.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and conceded, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room.
She was waiting for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and spoke, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and squawked, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the situation -- considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Fred came home from work.
The bird looked at him and squawked, "Hi, Fred."

 

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So, he decides to test this theory.

He convenes all the couples he can find at a special seminar.

He then starts by asking the many people in the audience. “How many people here make love once a day?”

Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely.

“Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant.

"How many of you make love once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. No grins could be sighted.

Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”

To his shock, one man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands and whistling.

The therapist is shocked. This man's reaction completely disproves his theory! “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

The man shouts: "Today’s the day!”

[secondjag]

Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office.
"What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.
"It's my boyfriend," gushes Judi. "He was working on the engine under the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!"
"My god," shrieks Carol. "Did it chop off his WHOLE finger!?"
"No thank goodness," sniffs Judi. "But it was the one just next to it!"

 

A Salvation lassie named Claire
Was having her first love affair.
As she climbed into bed
She reverently said,
"I wish to be opened with prayer."

A decent young fellow named Herm
Was equipped with a geyser-like worm.
The size wasn't much,
But its volume was such,
That his lovers did backstroke in sperm.

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and, poof, she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and, poof,  she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing.

He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

[secondjag]

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had.
When the squad got there it was too late, as the man had died.
While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess.
He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.
The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love, and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating.
I thought he was cuming, but I guess he was going..."

What's the definition of a transvestite?
A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
A. Nearly ten minutes of silence!

Billy-Joe and Betty-Sue get married, and Billy-Joe whisks her away to his daddy's hunting cabin in the woods, for a romantic 'nature honeymoon'...
He carries her across the threshold, and they get into bed, when Betty-Sue whispers in his ear "Billy-Joe, be gentle, I ain’t never been with a man b'fore."
"WHAT???" shouts Billy-Joe, and his little bride softly shakes her head...
Billy-Joe jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes, and races out the door, into his truck... down the mountain.... straight to his parents house... rushes inside screaming "Hey Daddy!, Paw! Git'up!" ....
His father rushes downstairs and gasps... "Billy-Joe, what'r you doin here?
"Billy-Joe, still breathing hard from his mad flight, gasps "Well, Betty-Sue an I was in the cabin, and she toll' me she ain't never been with a man' afore.... so's I rushed outta there, an' lit back here... quick as I could! "
His father grasps Billy-Joe's shoulder in reassurance, and says "SON, Ya done the right thing.... Iffin' she ain't good'nuff fer her family, she shure as shit ain't good'nuff fer ours!!"

 

Edited May 22 by secondjag
add content

[secondjag]

A very quiet and shy woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price.
She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize."
As if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks."
In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb, or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

While Greeley was fucking Miss Klutz.
She said as he plunged in his putz,
"Do you love me dear Greeley?"
He answered, "Not really,
I just wanted to blow off my nuts."

When I was a baby, my penis
Was as white as the buttocks of Venus
But now, it's as red
As her nipples instead
All because of the menstrual genus!

A hillbilly was on trial for making moonshine whiskey.
A young neighbour of his was being grilled by the prosecutor.
"Did you ever get any whiskey from him?" asked the prosecutor.
"No, sir!", said the neighbour.
"Did you ever get any from his wife?"' he asked.
"No, sir," said the neighbour.
"Did you ever get any from his ?" asked the prosecutor.
The young neighbour thought for a minute, and said, "Your Honor, are we STILL talking about whiskey?"

 

[secondjag]

A Jew, a Catholic, and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting.
The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."
The Catholic, waived off this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."
To which the Mormon replied, "You guys ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

[secondjag]

An elderly lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes.

She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time.

She spends weeks staring at the cage, eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts a ring from a piece of cardboard and places it round the male parrot's neck.

A while later, the local priest visits the old lady.

The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar, wolf-whistles, and squawks, "I see she caught YOU at it, too...

[Peter C]

Is that Pauley Perrette? Fake I'm guessing...

[secondjag]

8 hours ago, Peter C said:

Is that Pauley Perrette? Fake I'm guessing...

yes it is

Ron and I had hardly finished one argument when I screwed up and started another one," said Laura.
"How'd you do that?" asked Kelly.
"Well," said Laura, "you know when you're done with a big fight and your significant other suggests a Little 'make-up sex?'"
"Yeah," says Kelly.
Laura replies, "I guess it wasn't the right time for me to ask, 'Does it have to be with you?'"

 

Q. What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
A. Nobody eats parsley.

The waitress was tired of this one man always hitting on her, so she came up with a plan.
"I'll tell you what, Lover. I'll have sex with you on two conditions. First, it'll cost you 50 bucks. Second, you have to guarantee me that bells will ring and lights will flash." He smiled, handed her $50, and led her over to the pinball machine.

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. “I’d like some raisin bread please,” the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is “having company for dinner.”

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what’s going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated, and begins to wonder, “Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?”

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.

Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, “Is it raisin for you too then?”

“No,” stammers the older man, “but it’s quivering a little.”

In school one day, the teacher decided that for Science class she would teach about raw materials.
She stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the World, what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want Gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."
The teacher said, "Johnny, why silicon?"
"Because my mom has two bags of it, and you should see all the sports cars parked outside of our house

[secondjag]

[Kaktuscpl]

22 minutes ago, secondjag said:

OMG.....ARMLESS MAN WATCHING PORN.......NOW THAT'S JUST CRUEL  LOL

[secondjag]

3 hours ago, Kaktuscpl said:

OMG.....ARMLESS MAN WATCHING PORN.......NOW THAT'S JUST CRUEL  LOL

ever hear the expression when someone asks how you're doing, "I feel like a one legged man in an ass kicking contest"?

[secondjag]

Harry went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, so he asked her to dance.
She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, Harry said, "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"
The flattered girl told him it was Channel #5.
Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"
Harry, as honestly as he could, replied: "Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it."  

 

When a horse-playing golfer named Trey
Goosed a girl in the rough one fine day,
He found her, though willing,
Just barely fulfilling....
"I would rate her," said Trey, "a par lay."

When a corpulent spinster, Ms. Snow
Was approached by a dwarf for a blow,
She replied, "I have pride!
Your request is denied!
I could never, sir, stoop quite that low!"

Bob can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor.
The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.
Bob asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take some muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.
Bob says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok.
The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Bob the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".
Bob takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Bob starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.
No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket, and disappears back into his pants.
His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bob says, Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass."

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in brothel, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."