Umm

[secondjag]

A guy walked into the doctor's office for an appointment. "Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked.
"I'll need information for the doctor."
"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."
"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the wife said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time." The husband thought for a few moments, then said, "Your pussy is tighter than your sister's."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy said to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up no bull!"

 

 

[secondjag]

The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.
She said "well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine."
"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked.
She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much."
"So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either."
"Finally I said, well, how much do you have?"
The marine said that he only had $25.
The new hooker said, "Well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand."
He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said, "He pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand..."
"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge, then what did you do?"
"I loaned him $75!" she said.

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

 

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.
One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.
To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five- and ten-dollar bills.
He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?"

To which his wife replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."

 

A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton.
The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting.
The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud. "This is not the 1928 Mouton."
The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton.

Finally, someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.
"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine."
Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton.  You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."
Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes."

Turning 60 two years ago, I took a lot of good-natured ribbing from family and friends.
So as my wife's 60th birthday approached, I decided to get in some needling of my own.
I sat her down, looked deep into her eyes, then said I had never made love to anyone who was over 60 years old.
"Oh, well, I have," she deadpanned. "It's not that great."

 

[secondjag]

A man goes to hid doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass."
The doctors says, "drop your pants, bend over and let's have a look".
"Fuck me!!" says the doctor.  "What could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies "I've been fucked by an elephant."
The doctor says "An elephant's penis is long and thin. This hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first."

 

There once was a young man named Sweeney
Who's girl was a terrible meany.
Her snatch had a hatch
With a catch that would latch,
And she could only be screwed by Houdini!

 The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment.
The fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me, do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish, but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches!”

 

 

[secondjag]

A little girl is playing with two dolls and her mom comes into the room to see what she is doing.
The mother sees her has a Barbie and a G.I. Joe doll.
"What are you doing with your brother's G.I. Joe, tootsie?" asks the mother.
"Where's your Ken doll? You know Barbie comes with Ken."
"No, mother," explains the little girl without looking up. "Barbie comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken."

A professor at University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in Ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Bubba replied, "Shit! From way back thar I thought you said 'Goats.'"

 

[secondjag]

[Black cuckold boy]

On 6/11/2021 at 2:16 PM, secondjag said:

What Cuck wants to talk when he has a Mouth full of Dick.

[secondjag]

A man is traveling through the desert when he comes upon an Indian lying on the ground stark naked with a hard-on sticking straight up in the air.
He asks the Indian what he is doing, to which the Indian replies, "I am telling the time."
The man tells the Indian that he does not believe it, so the Indian tells him that it is 1:00. The man looks at his watch and is amazed to find that it is exactly 1:00.
He travels a bit longer until he comes upon another naked Indian lying on the ground with a hard-on sticking straight up.
He asks this Indian what he is doing and he too replies that he is telling the time.
He tells the Indian to prove it and the Indian tells him that it is 2:00. The man looks at his watch and once again is amazed that the time is correct.
He continues his trek through the desert until he comes across an Indian lying naked in the sand, masturbating.
He asks this Indian, "And what the hell are you doing?"
The Indian replied, "I am winding my watch!"

A kitty and a rooster held a race.
They reached a stream.
The cat said to the rooster, "I'm not jumping that -- you KNOW cats hate getting wet!"
The rooster replied, "Don't be a chicken -- just back up and take a flying leap!"
The cat tried, and landed in the middle of the stream.
The rooster smiled contentedly. "What's so bloody funny?" asked the cat.
The rooster answered, "Well, NOTHING pleases a cock more'n seeing a wet pussy!!"

 

[Black cuckold boy]

I love eating Pussy from the back I also Love to suck dick from the Back, any good cuck has done this or will do it  If Wife or GF. Try sucking Balls from the back.

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

I was walking in the park one bright sunny Sunday afternoon, when I noticed a cute little girl out walking her dog. As she approached me on the path, she looked about 9 years old, all dressed up in her Sunday best, and her freshly scrubbed face, just gleaming with cutesiness. Tugging on her leash was a well-groomed, but somewhat chubby, terrier.
As we met on the path, I greeted her, "Hi there, my, aren't you pretty today and what a fine-looking dog you have."
"Thank you, sir" she said, "And what a nice day this is isn't it?"
Yes it is," I answered, "My, what a polite little girl you are, and what a pretty dress you're wearing."
"Oh, thank you, sir. My mother taught me to always be polite and she made this dress for me, isn't it pretty?" she said with a beaming smile.
"Yes, very pretty" I answered, "By the way, what's your dog's name?"
"Oh, sir, my dog's name is 'Porky', isn't that cute?"
"Well, it certainly is an unusual name for a dog. Why do you call him 'Porky', because he's a little fat?"
"Oh, no!" she replied with a smile, "It's because he fucks pigs!" 

 

 

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food.

The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.

A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen, and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat, and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn!!"

 

A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for Rosh Hashanah.
The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is this the holiday when you light the candles?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Hannukah."
The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, "Is that when you eat unleavened bread?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Passover.  Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the shofar."
The Catholic girl replies, "That's what I like about you Jewish people, you're so good to your help."

 

[secondjag]

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them the Major called for this HOT number from the nearby town.
She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.
For her second number she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes
The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quieten down for the grand finale.
For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.
The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"
She replied, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?"

 

 

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

A Man shouts to his wife, "Come here and look at my clock" She walks in to find him naked with a hard on. She says that's not a clock. He says it will be when you put two hands and a face on it.

 

[secondjag]

Two Geeky computer science students met on campus one day. The first student called out to the other, "Hey, nice bike! Where did you get it?" "Well," replied the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rode up on this bike. She jumped off, took off all of her clothes, and said, "You can have ANYTHING you want!"
"Good choice," said the first. "Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

 

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' 

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
Flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex.”
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I'll take the soup.”

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they "had fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest, and things went well, until he died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."

 

 

[secondjag]

have a great 4th

 

[secondjag]

A woman is in bed with her husband's best friend when the telephone rings. She answers, has a brief conversation and hangs up.
"Who was that?" the man asks.
"That was Harry," the woman answers.
"Your husband?" he says, bolting up, startled.
"Don't worry," she assures. "He won't be home for a while. He said he's out playing cards with you!"

 

 

Edited July 4, 2021 by secondjag
add content

[secondjag]

[Black cuckold boy]

On 7/3/2021 at 2:29 PM, secondjag said:

have a great 4th

 

Every chance I Get !

[secondjag]

An Aussie went into an empty bar in New Zealand and ordered a beer. As he was walking around, he saw a table about 6 feet x 4 feet with some lines marked 6"-10" from one edge. Next to each line there were some initials.
The man asked the bartender, "What are all those marks on that table?"
"It's a game the locals play, they pull out their pecker, stretch them a far as they can, and mark a line."Our Aussie hero was hung like a horse and reckoned he can beat all the lines he'd seen and asked if he could have a go. "Sure," was the reply.
As he pulled out his pecker, a clear winner by about 3". He started to mark his line down when the bartender said, "No mate, us Kiwis start from the other side of the table!"

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.
She said, "I'm on the 14th, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady .... well, I am in sales also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No I wouldn't," he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.
"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax."
With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

 

[secondjag]

A man's balls had turned brown and he was worried, so he made an Appointment with his doctor.
When he got home from the appointment, he sat down in his chair in the living room. 
He hollered for his wife to come from the kitchen. 
After a while when she didn't come, he hollered again.
After the third time she hollered back, "I haven't got time. I am fixing dinner; I have clothes here to iron, the baby is crying and needs changed. I don't have time to wipe my ass.
He said," That's what I want to talk to you about."

A man walks into a drug store with his 13-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son...men use them to have safe sex."
"Of I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad says "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, One for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy, and picks up a 6-pack and asks, "Then what are these for?"
The dad says "Those are for college boys, Two for Friday, Two for Saturday, and Two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" He asks as he picks up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the Dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, One for February, one for March..."