Hellos to all 🤗. I used to write on here quite a bit and recently proclaimed/admitted/declared that I’m no longer married. With that, I know that I’m opening myself up to some for comments that are sometimes supportive, sometimes honest but hurtful and sometimes just meant to be cruel. And that’s okay. I don’t know if anyone has gone through what I’m going through right now (I’m sure I’m not the only one), but if this can somehow open up avenues where I could find advice or even offer help for others, then I guess its worth it.
So disclaimer aside — I’m Lexi. I was married and very much in love — actually I still am — but that’s no longer a two way street. I won’t go into all of that, but the gist of it is — regardless of how we started, ours became a “sort of cuckold” marriage. I say “sort of cuckold’ because while I had lots of sex with black men who weren’t my husband, I still very much enjoyed having sex with my husband. In no way shape or form was the sex I had with my husband the same as the sex I had with other men (only 3 black men other than my husband). If it was, why would I have sex with other men? But I still very much enjoyed it. To be clear though, sex with my husband began to morph into something other than the normal “making love” we used to share. We did do that, but over time our sex also started to include control, teasing (some say conditioning but i say teasing (i have a separate post about that on here somewhere)) and often times our sex would be of the cuckold variety. But we still enjoyed it — though I’m not sure that our enjoyment was as equal as I once thought. We separated for a short time and then got back together. During the separation I was willing to do anything to get my husband back — in my head and in my heart, i was willing to give up sex with other men entirely. I really was. At least I think I was. Regardless of what was conscious or subconscious or just plain lying to myself — it felt intensely genuine. But as we “restarted”...we both came to realize that the changes in our sexual life and preferences could not be undone. I just couldn’t go back. In some ways the saying is true — at least for me — once you go black, you never go back. That’s not to say that I will only have sex with black men — that’s not true at all. I miss sex with my white husband. Strangely, maybe more than I missed sex with black men when I stopped for a while. But neither will I ever stop having sex with black men. Maybe its not just black men in general — maybe its the black men that I’ve had sex with. My experience is pretty limited. But the black men I have had sex with — its just intoxicating to me. The smells, tastes, feelings, power, dominance ( I could go on and on) just have a draw to me I can’t resist. Sincerely. If I see an attractive black man in the grocery store or at a restaurant or shopping or a bar or in a galaxy far, far away (😂)...I immediately go into “flirt with my eyes” mode. My heart races a little, a smile comes out ... I wait for that melting “eye contact” that black men do so well and then let my eyes drift down his body. (Oh gosh I think I need to go to the store 😊) Obviously, that hasn’t worked as often as I would like ... but the black men that I have had sex with — its been life changing. Literally.
But at the same time, its not as satisfying as it once was. I’m not talking about the sex itself... that is beyond satisfying. I’ve been having lots of sex with a black man lately and I could tell many stories of the way that man satisfies me! But there’s still something missing. I’ve thought about this a lot lately. Trying to figure myself out and why I do what I do and what I want for myself in the future. And what I’ve come to understand, is that I miss the teasing and control and being watched that my “sort of cuckold” marriage gave me. I really miss it. For instance: not the last time I was with my new guy, but the time before — he stayed all night for the first time. And it was quite literally an all nighter! He’s my first younger guy but wowzers! That man can fuck. He’s big in all the right ways. He’s not quite as long as my others (though not by much) but he’s really thick (feeling a man with a THICK black cock pulse inside you while cumming is like nothing else in the world) ...not to mention the fact that he knows what he’s doing! He fucked me in the living room and then we went to my bedroom and he fucked me there then we took a nap until I wanted more ... after I enjoyed him with my mouth he fucked me in the bed again ... we fell asleep and then he fucked me on the bathroom counter and then in the shower and then in the bed one more time. In every possible way I was filled and fulfilled 😊. But at the same time — after my screams died down and my body stopped shaking and trembling ... something was missing. The sex was amazing — but in some strange way it was incomplete. I had no one to talk to about it after. I had no one to say “did my little cuck like watching that” to. I had no one‘s chest to straddle and slowly slide up and convince to cleaning me in my super cute way. And I didn’t have someone to make love to me after I had been thoroughly fucked.
I’m not sure what that makes me. Some might say that I belong in a true cuckold marriage. But because I miss sex with my husband, some might say I should be in a hotwife/stag relationship. I don’t know. But I also know, that I don’t really have any desire to tease or control just any man. I want it to be a man or the man that I really love. I don’t know if I will ever find that again ... I really can’t envision being able to love a man the way I loved/love my husband.
All I have figured out so far is that sex has changed me. I just don’t know what those exact changes are or mean. And its left me both lonely and confused and frustrated. If I’m not having sex, I’m either crying about what I don’t have or worrying about what I don’t know. I think I’m a genuinely good person. I’m kind to people. I try to help people. I think that overall men would consider me a good candidate for marriage. But my sexual preferences have changed so much that they have limited who I could make happy.
Anyway. I guess I wrote this because I like writing and hopeful that some might have gone through something similar and could offer advice. I’ve gotten some really good advice already from several people on here in private chats. And I can’t say how much I appreciate the support and the help you have give me. I love you all for it. But maybe there are others.
Anyway — have a great Saturday. I have a few hours before another sleep over 😊.
Lexi
Mad props to you, that you can pour your heart at great personal risk. Thank you so much!
Identity Crisis — Now that I’m not married, what am I?
in Interracial Cuckold
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Mad props to you, that you can pour your heart at great personal risk. Thank you so much!