Goodhusband

Awakenings Ch. 04 Michael As I was about to send the email I realized that there was a risk that Jeanne might say that it was none of my business. I quickly concluded that a response like that would reveal a great deal about Jeanne's current feelings for me. I sent the email. As soon as I got home from golf the next afternoon I turned on my computer and saw that Ruth had replied. I anxiously opened the email Michael I called Jeanne. She was elated to hear that you'd asked her this question. She thought she understood why you asked it and she was eager to answer it. She told me about her dinner with Derek Fischer at the Kennsington Grill and that you later asked her how she'd feel if she walked into a romantic restaurant and saw you holding hands with another woman. She admits that she'd be devastated. I understand. If I saw David holding hands with another woman I'd be devastated too. She told me that when she decided to start having affairs she wasn't looking for romance. You always have and always will provide all the romance she wants. She asked me to remind you that other than you, Derek Fischer was the first man she'd dated in over twenty-seven years. She was a little out of practice and did some things with him simply because that was what she'd learned to do as a single young woman. She now understands that she's not a single young woman, she's a mature married woman who's deeply in love with her husband. Her dates are about sex and only about sex. She said that she does occasionally go to a night club with a man for drinks and a little dancing and sometimes she'll meet a man in a bar for a cocktail, but most of her dates meet her at your house. They'll have a cocktail in the living room and then they'll retire to Tricia's old bedroom for sex. She hopes you can understand that the evenings are more fun if she and her date take a little time to talk and flirt with each other. A little casual conversation over a cocktail or an hour or two spent dancing in a night club makes the sex much more enjoyable for Jeanne. Michael, she asked me to be sure to tell you that she does kiss her dates. She doesn't want to lie to you or mislead you. The kisses don't mean anything, they're not intended to be romantic. Kissing is just an important part of sexual foreplay for her. She hopes that you're not upset because she's entertaining men in your house. She's very concerned about how you feel about that. She explained that motels are inconvenient and seem like an unnecessary expense. She wants to assure you that when she's done playing with one of her dates he always goes home. You're the only man who will ever sleep with her. She also asked me to tell you that she fully understands the gravity of the mistake she made that Saturday morning with Derek Fischer. She will never again entertain a man in a bedroom she shares with you. Michael, Jeanne really does love you and she's very concerned about your feelings. Ruth I wrote back. Ruth Please read this to Jeanne. Jeanne I understand. Of course you have to be friendly with your dates. Cold dispassionate sex wouldn't be much fun. I'm happy to hear that some of your men friends are taking you dancing. I remember how much you used to love dancing when we were first married. I'm glad you're having a good time. I've had time to think and I'm beginning to understand your assertion that sex doesn't have to be an expression of love. It can simply be a pleasurable activity enjoyed by two adults, much like playing tennis or golf. If you were playing tennis with a man you would certainly be friendly and talk casually before and after your match. You might even go out for a drink or ice cream after your match, but you probably wouldn't kiss or hold hands while you were sitting in the bar or ice cream store. While I'm beginning to understand that what you're doing isn't necessarily a threat to our relationship, I have to admit that when I think about what you're doing I still experience occasional periods of jealousy. You're going to have to be patient with me. It may seem strange to you, but when I think about your brief affair with Derek Fischer the images of him kissing you and you holding his hand during dinner at the Kennsington grill are much more disturbing than the memory of seeing you in bed with him naked. That wasn't an attempt to make you feel guilty about what you did. I understand and accept your explanation of why it happened. It was your first date with a man other than me in over twenty-seven years. You were nervous and excited. Of course you resorted to dating behaviors that you developed when you were an unmarried young woman. I told you that so you would understand that romantic involvement is much scarier for me than physical involvement. That said, I do realize that the trappings of romance are an important part of sexual foreplay. Of course you're going to kiss your dates. When you leave a night club to go to our house, I hope your date has his arm around your shoulder. I know how much you enjoy that. I only ask that you be careful. I fear that we may be playing a dangerous game. I agree with you, motels are an inconvenience and a needless expense. Don't worry, I don't have any objections to your entertaining your dates in our house. It actually makes good sense. I will admit that I was happy to hear that you're not letting your dates spend the night with you. I was also pleased to learn that your using Tricia's old room. I'm sure she doesn't mind. I actually have a suggestion. It may seem like a strange suggestion for a husband to make to his wife, but it I think it's a good idea so I'm going to go ahead and make it. Why don't you turn Tricia's old room into your play room. I doubt that Tricia would object, in fact I suspect that she'd think it was a good idea. We still have a little money that I held in reserve when I created the trust funds. I could easily give you a budget of ten thousand dollars for the remodeling. That would allow you to have the room repainted and re-carpeted, buy some new furniture and maybe even purchase several erotic prints for the walls. I think it would be fun. You can also look at it as my way of thanking you for not entertaining your dates in our bedroom. I really do appreciate that. Jeanne, I love you. I miss you. I think about you constantly. I look forward to the day we can once again be together. Give my love to the girls for me. Love Michael Ruth Thank you for passing this on and thank you for acting as a go between for Jeanne and me. Michael Realizing that with this email I was telling Jeanne that I was now willing to accept her new life style I took a deep breath and clicked on the send button. As soon as that was done I sat back in my chair and closed my eyes. After a moment I realized that I was smiling. I'd just taken a major step towards rebuilding my relationship with my wife. My happiness waned as I realized that it would still be many months before I could return home. I had to give Jeanne an opportunity to discover exactly how she wanted to live her new life. Even more important she had to decide whether or not there was a place for me in that new life. The only way I knew how to do that was to make her experience life without me. While her answers to the questions I asked her today gave me hope, I knew that she still needed time before both of us could be certain that she really did want to include me in this new life.

Awakenings Ch. 04 I thought about Jeanne. I was still deeply in love with her. I wondered if she was dating. I suspected that she was. It was likely that Ruth talked to Jeanne frequently, so she probably knew. I was afraid to ask. I wasn't yet ready to know for sure. Unable to sleep, I turned my computer back on and watched another Julia Ann movie. In the movie she seduced a man much younger than she was. I wondered if Jeanne was dating college men. Oddly, part of me hoped that she was. Sex with a virile young man would be exciting for her. As I watched the movie I masturbated while I imagined that Jeanne was Julia Ann. Afterward I felt some remorse, but then I remembered Charles Montgomery telling me that after time he learned to enjoy Edith's affairs because they made her so happy. I loved Jeanne and I wanted her to be happy too. Could I possibly learn to enjoy her affairs? Was that possible? Could I actually reach a point where I was happy when my wife was out on a date with another man? I sensed that I wanted that, but how could I? It seemed to be so very wrong. Confused about my feelings; but extremely tired, I drifted into an unsettled sleep. From Boise Idaho I drove west to Seattle. It was now early October. I spent two rainy days in Seattle. The evening I arrived I sent an email to Ruth telling her where I was. The next morning I received a reply. Michael Thank you for the update about your trip. All of us are following you. Yes, I mean all of us. Of course Jason and I are eager to know where you are and what you're doing, but many others are too. Charles and Edith call me every week to ask if I've heard from you. And yes, Jeanne calls too. She calls me every day at lunch time. I also know that after she talks to me she always calls the girls to pass on the information you gave me. Michael all three of them love you very much and they miss you terribly. I miss you too Michael, so does Jason. The firm is running well. Jason is a good manager. He's not as good as you, but he's learning quickly and he's getting the job done. We hired another accountant. We were swamped, we really needed one. He started yesterday. He graduated from college last spring. His name is Bernie Kyle. He's a wiry little guy and kind of shy, but he has a wonderful sense of humor. Both Jason and I like him. We told him that the job is only temporary, but when you return I hope we have enough business to keep him working for the firm. David and I are still playing our fantasy game. It's a little crazy, but I never imagined that sex could be so much fun. Be safe and when you're ready please come home. All of us miss you. Ruth I wrote back. Ruth I'm glad to hear that things are going well at the firm. I never doubted that you and Jason would be able to run the business competently. I'm relieved that you hired another accountant. I'm sure that your work load was overwhelming. If he works out I will do everything I possibly can to retain him after I return. I'm also pleased to hear that you and David are still enjoying your fantasy game. Adding a little spice to a marriage is healthy. Let me know if you need anything, otherwise you'll hear from me in a week. Say hello to Jason, Charles, Edith and David for me. And Ruth, please tell Jeanne and the girls that I love them. Michael The following morning I had another email from Ruth. Michael After I read your email I called Jeanne and read it to her. When I read the part where you told me to tell her that you loved her she was silent for a moment and then she asked me to read it again. I did. She asked me to read it another time. I did. The third time I read it she cried. Michael, Jeanne really does love you. Oh and yes, she does know about the fantasy game I'm playing with David. Ruth I immediately wrote back. Ruth Do you know if Jeanne is dating? Michael A few minutes later Ruth wrote back. Michael Yes she is and while she is having sex on those dates, she adamantly maintains that it hasn't diminished her love for you at all. My conversations with Charles and Edith and the game that David and I are playing are helping me understand what she's saying. Jeanne contends that while we were taught that love and sex are synonymous, it isn't true or at least it doesn't have to be true. Jeanne is now convinced that sex can be a purely physical act and doesn't have to be an expression of love. It can just be fun. Ruth The next morning I left Seattle. After I left Seattle I spent two weeks exploring the Cascade Mountains and the Oregon coast and then I drove south to San Francisco. I arrived in San Francisco in early November. I found an old motel overlooking the Pacific Ocean. It was just above The Cliff House. The Cliff House is an elegant old restaurant on the Pacific beach. Lincoln Park was directly above my motel. When I explored the park I discovered a small municipal golf course with fabulous views of the Pacific Ocean, San Francisco Bay, the Golden Gate Bridge and downtown San Francisco. The next day I found a golf shop, bought a set of clubs and started playing every day. Ruth and I continued to exchange emails. While they were mostly just news, ten days after I arrived in San Francisco she sent me one detailing a new development in the sex game she was playing with her husband. Michael Last night while David and I were watching one of our Roxanne Hall movies he asked me to tell him about the men I'd been with before we met. He knew that there had been several, but that was all he knew. He wanted to hear details, particularly about the sex. I was reluctant to tell him. I didn't want to hurt him or make him feel jealous. He was persistent, so I finally agreed. As I confessed to you earlier, there were more than a few men. Actually there were many. I was trying to break that news to David gently, so I told him about four men that I'd dated regularly. At first I tried to be vague. I love David and I don't want to hurt him, but he pestered me for details. Michael you have to understand that we were both naked, we were watching a porn movie and David had been going down on me for at least twenty minutes. I was aroused. It also fit in with the game we've now been playing for almost three months. I have to admit that at that moment I actually wanted to tell David every seamy detail about those four other men. They're exciting memories and now the man I loved was asking me to share those memories with him. I made him lie down on the bed with his head propped up on two pillows so he could still see the movie playing on the television. Once he was settled I wrapped my fingers around his erection and began telling him about some of the sex that I experienced before we got married. In an earlier email I mentioned that I'd been with a number of men who were quite large. Those four men were all large, but one of them was much larger than the others. His name was Nick Granger. He was the last man I dated before I met David. Nick was tall, handsome and a real stud in bed. He had a cock of porn star proportions, he recovered quickly and he could go for an amazingly long time. He was entertaining out of bed too. Nick was funny and outgoing. Unfortunately he was also lazy, arrogant and a notorious womanizer. He was a great boyfriend, but lousy husband material. As soon as I got to know David, I ended my relationship with Nick. After I started telling David about the sex I had with Nick I could feel him getting even more aroused than he already was. That excited me and without thinking I began eagerly and graphically describing how wonderful the sex with Nick had been. As soon as I realized what I was doing I stopped and tried to apologize to David, but he laughed and told me that there wasn't any reason to apologize. He was happy that I'd had a chance to experience such an outstanding lover. At first I was shocked by David's reaction, but we talked about it and as we talked I realized that it fit with the game we've been playing. I relaxed, but I still I wanted to make sure that David was happy, so I started sucking his cock. While I was sucking him, David asked me if I ever missed the sex with Nick. I love my husband. I didn't want to lie to him, but I also didn't want to hurt him so I carefully considered my answer. I stopped sucking David, but I kept stroking him. As I stroked him, I admitted that I did have fond memories of the sex I had with Nick, but then I quickly explained to David that I loved him and because I loved him the sex I enjoyed with him would always be more satisfying than the sex I'd had with Nick. David laughed and told me that he understood all of that, but I hadn't answered his question. He then asked it again. Did I ever miss the sex I had with Nick? I laughed and asked him if he really wanted to know. He said that he loved me and he was confident that I loved him too; so the fact that I enjoyed and missed the sex that I once had with another man shouldn't really matter. I couldn't argue with his logic and I wanted to be honest with David so I admitted that there were times when I did think about the fun I used to have with Nick and yes at times I did miss the way he used to fuck me. I was still a little worried about how David would react to that confession, but he surprised me. He sat up, patted the pillows and asked me to lie back on the bed and spread my legs. We quickly switched positions. As David slipped between my thighs, he said that he wanted me to watch the movie and think about the wonderful sex I enjoyed with Nick. As soon as I lay back David started kissing and licking me. Michael it took me about a minute to cum and it was incredible. After I recovered from my orgasm David pulled himself up next to me and asked if he could have slippery seconds. We were both giggling like school kids. Of course I said yes. Afterward, as we lay cuddled together David asked me if I was enjoying this game as much as he was. Michael, I can't explain it; but I really am enjoying it. I never dreamed that sex could be so much fun. When I admitted that to David he seemed genuinely happy. I don't understand what's happening, but I do have to admit that it's fun. Nobody is getting hurt, so I don't see any reason that we shouldn't be playing this game. Michael, do you think we're crazy?" Ruth I replied immediately. Ruth No, I don't think you're crazy. You're both having fun with this game and neither of you is getting pressured to do something you don't want to do. The one thing I've learned from my problem with Jeanne is that communication, honest open communication is essential. Just keep talking and listening to each other and you'll be fine. Michael After sending the email I sat back in my chair and shook my head. From what Ruth was telling me it appeared that her husband David really was excited by the idea of her having sex with another man. That was...incredible. David wasn't some sleazy pervert. He was a regular guy. He worked for the city planning department. He was my friend. It all started with those porn movies, the Roxanne Hall movies they were watching. I was watching porn movies too. I was watching Julia Ann movies and doing exactly what they were doing. I was imagining that I was watching Jeanne. I was fantasizing about my wife playing with other men. Of course there was a big difference between David's situation and mine. My wife really was playing with other men. How could that possibly excite me? It was perverted. Yet I had to admit that it did excite me. I watched those damned Julia Ann movies and imagined that I was watching Jeanne. What the fuck was wrong with me? I regularly jacked off while I was imagining my wife enjoying sex with men who weren't me. I took several deep breaths. I calmed myself. I thought. Was it perverted? If it was, why was it perverted? It was perverted because everyone said it was perverted. That wasn't an adequate explanation. Jeanne didn't think it was perverted. I knew that. She told me that she differentiated between love and sex. She thought sex was fun. She believed that it was something to be freely enjoyed. While many people would agree that sex was fun; they would add the stipulation that it should only be enjoyed by a husband and wife. Jeanne had challenged that assertion. She'd dared to ask why that limitation had been imposed on her and then, failing to find a reasonable explanation, she'd chosen to act. Unfortunately she hadn't allowed me to go through the same process that had eventually led her to the conclusion that had caused her to act. I wasn't prepared for her new life style. That was the crux of our current problem. That's why I was now sitting alone in an ocean side San Francisco motel. That night I didn't watch a Julia Ann movie and masturbate. As I lay in bed trying to fall asleep I asked myself why. I immediately realized the answer. I was ashamed. I was ashamed of my perverted fantasies. That realization raised another question. I'd just established that Jeanne had adopted her new life style because she no longer chose to accept the traditional moral dogma that had been instilled in her since she was a little girl. Jeanne was the only person in this world who's opinion actually mattered to me. If she didn't think her behavior was perverted, why should I? Furthermore, if that was the case; didn't it follow that my accepting or even enjoying her behavior didn't necessarily make me a pervert? While that made sense, I still felt like a pervert. I thought about that and understood immediately. I'd also been instilled with a moral code. Real men controlled their wives. They zealously guarded their conjugal rights. Only a wimp would allow his wife to enjoy the pleasure of another man. I once again had to ask why. When Jeanne had sex with Derek Fischer was I in some way diminished as a man? I was now quite certain that Jeanne didn't believe that. The evening that Jeanne rashly announced to me that she was intending to have an affair we did fight. I was shocked by her sudden and unexpected revelation. Angered by my adamant and to her, unreasonable refusal to even consider what she was telling me Jeanne had lashed out and said things that she has since told me she didn't mean. While it took me some time, I now understood. Jeanne had foolishly believed that I would listen to her rationale for having an affair, grasp what she was telling me and immediately concur. She hadn't realized that I needed to go through a process similar to the one that she was completing. Since that night she's realized her mistake and apologized for abruptly dropping this bomb on me. She's also earnestly tried to make me believe that I'm still the man of her dreams and the only man she'll ever love. If Jeanne doesn't think less of me because she occasionally dates other men, why should I be concerned that it in some way diminishes me as a man? Intellectually I now understood that it doesn't. Unfortunately recognizing that and actually accepting it are two distinctly separate issues. I finally did manage to fall asleep that night, but it was a restless sleep. I was still overwhelmed with emotional turmoil. The next day I played golf by myself. I needed to be alone. I needed to think. I missed Jeanne terribly and I believed she missed me. I wanted to go home. I wanted to see Jeanne and I wanted to see my daughters. I knew that Jeanne was dating other men, but that wasn't bothering me as much anymore. My conversation with Jennifer Rawlins had given me some insight into what was happening with Jeanne. Charles and Edith had helped too. Hearing about Ruth and David's adventures was also helping me. The image of Ruth enjoying sex with another man actually seemed to excite David and Charles had told me that he eventually reached a point where he enjoyed Edith's affairs. While I was learning to accept Jeanne's desire to have sex with other men, I still had misgivings. I was afraid that both watching Jeanne get dressed for a date with another man and waiting for her to come home from her date would be agonizing for me. As I thought about those two concerns, I realized that they weren't insurmountable problems. I didn't have to be at home while Jeanne was getting ready for a date and when she was out I could find things to do that would help me pass the time. Charles told me that before a date Edith would always make sure that he was well taken care of sexually. Jeanne had made a similar promise to me. She'd tried to convince me that this could become a sexual adventure for both of us. She'd pledged that she would make me a happy and well satisfied man. That would certainly help make her dates more bearable for me. Actually, I hoped that like Charles I might eventually reach a point where I enjoyed Jeanne's dates. Watching her get ready for an evening with another man could turn out to be fun. I loved Jeanne. Seeing her giddy with excitement as she anticipated the pleasure she was going to have on her date could make me happy. Watching the Julia Ann movies and imagining that Jeanne was Julia Ann had also made it clear that like David, picturing my wife with another man excited me. I could easily imagine spending the time Jeanne was out on a date watching Julia Ann movies and fantasizing about what she was doing, especially if I knew I was going to be rewarded with some hot sex when she returned home. For a brief moment I actually contemplated ending my trip and returning home, but then I realized that I couldn't. Those weren't the real reasons I had to leave. There were other concerns, concerns that were much more serious. Sadly those concerns weren't my issues, they were Jeanne's and I wasn't even certain that she was aware of them. Charles was right. I had to stay away. I had to stay away for at least a year. By being away I was providing Jeanne with an opportunity to experience the unfettered life of a single woman, a woman free to be a sexual libertine. While Jeanne adamantly maintained that she loved me and needed me, I wasn't certain that the love and security she got from me were more important than the thrill she was getting from her sexual adventures. If was going to try to stay with Jeanne I needed to know that she still wanted me. The only way I could do that was to give her an opportunity to experience life without me. If after a year she still eagerly welcomed me home, I believed that I could feel reasonably confident that she continued to want to maintain a serious relationship with me. There was another reason I had to stay away. It was a darker and more unnerving reason. I feared that Jeanne might fall in love with one of the men she was dating. My thoughts returned to Jeanne's date with Derek Fischer. Seeing her passionately kissing him on our front lawn and then the next day hearing that she'd held his hand during a romantic dinner at the Kennsington Grill had actually been much more painful for me than catching them naked together in our bed. I loved Jeanne. Losing her to another man would be devastating; but if she's doing this because she's grown tired of me, I needed to know it. If she's fallen out of love with me I had to give her an opportunity to find someone new. Trying to hang on to a person who no longer loves you can only lead to a life of unbearable anguish and conflict. As I left the golf course it occurred to me that there might be a way to get some insight into what Jeanne was currently thinking. As soon as I got back to my motel I emailed Ruth. Ruth You mentioned that Jeanne is dating. Please call her and ask what she does on her dates. Don't worry, I understand that she's having sex. That's not what I'm asking about. I'm curious to know what she does before and after the sex.

Awakenings Ch. 04 On the road. At 7:00 the next morning I was on the road. It was the 21st of August. I took Interstate 90 west and reached Rapid City, South Dakota at suppertime. Tired and ready to stop I found a Motel 6, checked in and got directions to a local steak house. While I had a budget of one hundred dollars a day for motels, I knew that there would occasionally be times when I both wanted and needed to stay in an expensive hotel. Motel 6's were generally clean and adequate for my needs. They also usually cost less than fifty dollars a day. Every night I spent in a Motel 6 freed up fifty dollars that could later be spent for luxury accommodations After a good steak dinner I went back to my motel, took a shower and logged on to the Internet. There was an email from Ruth with a subject line indicating that it included a letter from Jeanne. I opened it. Dear Michael I'm so sorry that my thoughtless actions forced you to leave your home, your work and your family. I wish it was possible to go back in time and start over. If I could do that I'd begin by spending several months exploring the world of sex with you, only you. Regardless of what I told you that evening that I stupidly and without any preparation announced to you that I was going to have an affair, you have always been and always will be the man of my dreams. Yes, I still have the desire to experience sex with other men and I still intend to pursue that desire. I know that you're having trouble accepting this, but it really is just sex and has nothing to do with love. You will always be the only man I'll ever love. I want you to know that I've stopped seeing Derek Fischer. Right after you left last Saturday morning I threw him out of the house. Michael, he threatened you. You effectively put him in his place, but I was still outraged. I would never have sex with a man who threatened you or was even impolite to you. When I read that I guess it doesn't sound like much, but it matters to me and I needed to tell you that. I also want to explain that I hadn't planned to get together with Derek last Saturday morning. When we went out last Wednesday night I left my sweater in his car. It was that beautiful cashmere sweater with the pearl buttons that you gave me for Christmas two years ago. I didn't want to lose it. He called me Saturday morning. I told him that I couldn't see him for awhile. I really did want to try to make things right with you and that was going to include a lot of loving attention. Derek told me he had my sweater. In all the turmoil of the past few days I hadn't realized that I'd left it in his car. I did want the sweater back so I told him that he could stop by the house and give it to me. I really wasn't planning to let him stay, but once he was inside the house I stupidly let him kiss me and I melted. I'm sorry Michael, I'm not very strong right now and I have to admit that I did want to enjoy Derek again. I just wanted you to know that I didn't plan to have sex with him that morning. I'm also sorry that we used our bed. I don't know what I was thinking. I promise you that even while your gone I will never again share that bed with anyone but you. When I got your email this morning I immediately called Ruth. During our conversation she outlined the terms of the trust funds that you set up for me and the girls. Thank you, you've left us financially secure. I do appreciate that. I also need to say that I wasn't surprised. That's the kind of man you are. It's one of the many reasons I love you so much. I know that you will always take care of the girls and me. I only wish that I'd done a better job of taking care of you. There isn't anything I can do about that now, but when you finally do come home again I intend to make sure that you're the most loved man on this planet. If you'll allow me to do it I would like to try to suck and fuck you to death. I was planning to try to do that Saturday afternoon. I'm sorry that it didn't happen. I was also planning to invite you to fuck my rear Saturday. I'm eager to try it. I'm curious about how it feels. Now I'm going to have to wait. I always intended that you would be the first man to enjoy that pleasure with me and now I promise you that you will always be the only man to enjoy that pleasure with me. I hope that's an incentive to get you to come home sooner. Edith Montgomery called me last night. I gather that you told Charles about our problems. Since you're going to be gone I suppose that you had to give him some kind of an explanation and the truth is always the best option. In any case, I'm glad you told them. I was surprised when Edith told me about their history. I love the idea of getting slutted up and I would have loved to have been one of the four harlots. I hope that hearing Charles tell you that he eventually learned to enjoy the lifestyle might help you. When I talked to Ruth today I told her that Edith called me so she told me about Julia Ann, Diamond Foxx and Roxanne Hall. I looked them up on the Internet during my lunch break today. I have to thank you. Julia Ann is a beautiful woman. While you're gone I hope that you watch lots of her movies and imagine that it's me enjoying all of those handsome studs. Please don't be offended by that. I hope that like Charles, you will eventually learn to want this life style as much as I do. Sex really is fun. It took me forty-nine years and the help of my daughters to overcome the inhibitions that were drilled into me when I was growing up. Now that I've finally been able to do that I want to enjoy sex. Michael I don't just want to look like Julia Ann; I want to be Julia Ann or at least the movie Julia Ann. I want to be a slut. I know that's a crude word, but it doesn't have to be. My only regret is that I didn't include you at the beginning of my journey. I know why, I was still too inhibited. What really upsets me is that when I was finally able to overcome my inhibitions about sex I still didn't include you. I should have taken you by the hand, back tracked and guided you through the early part of the journey. It was a part of the journey that I'd already completed, but you're my partner. We needed to go through the entire journey together and I didn't do that with you. I wish I would have let you teach me how to give a blow job. We could have experimented. You could have told me what felt good and what didn't feel good. It would have been so much fun. Instead I let the girls teach me with a rubber cock. Even worse, once I learned how to do it properly another man was the beneficiary of my newly acquired skill. Michael I will forever be ashamed about that. You're the love of my life. You should always be first. While I really don't know how to make it up to you, I promise that when you return I will spend hours sucking your cock and licking your balls. I already miss you. I hope you won't be gone too long. When you are ready to come home give me a little warning. I'll want to buy a new dress and get my hair done just for you. The girls send their love. They feel like they upset you when you talked to them on Thursday. I tried to assure them that it was me you were upset with and not them, but they still feel like they hurt you. It would be nice if you could send them a message telling them that you still love them. They both wanted to write letters to you. I wouldn't let them do it. It's clear that you need some time away from the anguish I created for you. We're going to respect that decision and leave you alone. Please don't misunderstand that. We're not forgetting you. We will never forget you. All three of us will be thinking about you every minute of every day. Michael I love you. Always remember that. Take the time you need, but as soon as you're ready please come straight home to me. Be safe. Love Jeanne I sat back in the hard motel chair, closed my eyes and sighed. While Jeanne's letter made it clear that she was continuing her plans to pursue a life style of free love, it was equally apparent that she was still deeply in love with me. I didn't know what to think. I smiled. That was why I was sitting in a Motel 6 in Rapid City, South Dakota. I needed time to figure all of this out. I sat up straight and opened a new email to Ruth. Ruth Please forward this to Jeanne. Don't forget to delete my email address. Jeanne I also wish that you'd back tracked so that we could have started at the beginning of this journey together. You didn't, so now I have to take the initial part of the journey by myself. I'm sorry, but that means that there isn't any guarantee that we'll end up in the same place. I will promise you that while I'm gone I'll try to watch a Julia Ann movie as often as I can. As to the fantasies that I have while I'm watching them; that remains to be seen. I love you and I already miss you too. Michael After I sent the email to Ruth I poured a glass of scotch and sipped it while I thought about everything that had happened. Eventually I reached the inarguable conclusion that life was confusing. Deciding that I needed to do less thinking, I down loaded a Julia Ann movie from the Internet and sipped another glass of scotch while I watched it. When the movie ended I went back to a favorite part and masturbated. As Jeanne's interest in sex had diminished over the previous several years I'd become quite accustomed to giving myself my own relief, but this was the first time I'd been interested in doing it since Jeanne had made her announcement that she was going to have an affair. It felt good. When I was finished I climbed into bed and quickly fell asleep. The next day I stopped at a souvenir store in Deadwood, South Dakota. I bought two post cards. On The back of each one I wrote: I love you, I miss you. I don't blame you for anything. Please understand that I need a little time to process everything that's happened. I look forward to seeing you when I return. Love Dad I sent one to Tricia and one to Jodie. I spent the rest of the morning touring the Black Hills. After lunch I headed west. The next night I stayed in Buffalo, Wyoming. That night I downloaded another Julia Ann movie. The previous night I'd tried to avoid thinking about Jeanne while I watched the movie. It wasn't easy. This time I didn't try. I didn't fight it. I let myself imagine that I was watching Jeanne. Julia Ann is actually a talented actress. She's able to make me believe that she's truly enjoying herself. As I watched her suck her costars cock I remembered what Jeanne had looked like while she was licking Derek Fischer's balls. There wasn't any doubt in my mind that she'd been enjoying herself too. At first I was jealous. Occasionally in the past Jeanne had grudgingly agreed to suck my cock. Unfortunately her obvious distaste about what she was doing almost always ruined the experience for me. As my jealousy was turning into sadness I recalled what Jennifer Rawlins had said to me in the Cosmopolitan Lounge; "My husband had me on a pedestal. I was his wife, the mother of his children and his ideal of feminine perfection. It was a status that I enjoyed and one that I wasn't willing to risk. I didn't dare admit to that wonderful man that I occasionally had an insatiable desire to be a nasty cock sucking slut." I remembered what Jeanne had said in her letter; "It took me forty-nine years and the help of my daughters to overcome the inhibitions that were drilled into me when I was growing up. Now that I've finally been able to do that I want to enjoy sex." I started to understand. I watched the movie. I imagined that it was Jeanne sucking that big cock. I can't say that it aroused me. While watching a woman suck a man's cock certainly excited me, I still had mixed feelings about watching my wife do it. I did however have a reaction that surprised me. It was fun to imagine Jeanne enjoying herself so much. I remembered what Charles had said to me the previous Saturday afternoon. "During the days before her weekend getaways Edith was actually giddy with excitement. It's fun to see the woman you love that happy." Mixed feelings aside, I loved Jeanne and I had to admit that imagining her enjoying herself did make me happy. After finishing the movie that night I went back to a scene where Julia Ann was eagerly sucking her costars cock. I watched it a second time and masturbated. When I was finished I slipped into bed and slept peacefully. I spent the next several weeks sightseeing in the Rocky Mountains. I continued to stay in regular email contact with Ruth. In our emails we would often tease each other about our mutual burgeoning appreciation for erotic cinema. Ruth and her husband David were still enjoying Roxanne Hall movies on a regular basis. Near the end of September I was at a Motel 6 in Boise, Idaho. After dinner I turned on my computer. There was an email from Ruth. I opened it. Michael I have something I want to discuss with you. I'm afraid that it's going to be a little personal. I'm writing to you about it because I trust you and in many ways it seems to be related to your situation with Jeanne. I hope I don't embarrass you. Last night David and I were watching one of our Roxanne Hall movies. We now have an extensive collection. At the time I was actually the only one watching the movie. David was going down on me. I assume you understand what I mean by that. David loves giving me head, especially while we're watching a movie and frankly I enjoy it every bit as much as he does. Halfway through the movie David took a break. He looked up at me and asked if I ever fantasized about actually being with the men in the movies. The man in the movie we were watching was amazingly well endowed, so of course I was fantasizing about him. Not wanting to lie to David, I cautiously told him that I did. His reaction surprised me. He just smiled and said good and then he went back to pleasuring me. I thought about all of this for a few seconds and then I tapped the side of David's head. When he looked up at me I asked him if he ever fantasized about other women. He told me that he didn't. I was a little surprised by that, but I was even more surprised by his next revelation. He told me that all of his fantasies were about me with other men. While I was shocked, I was also excited. Remember, David had just been going down on me. I pulled him up so he was sitting next to me and asked him if he'd like to see me with the man in the movie we were watching. He nodded and told me that he'd like that very much. He then asked me if I was excited by the size of the guy's cock. I'm sorry Michael, I don't mean to embarrass you. I just don't know how to explain what happened without using words like that. You know David. He's not a big man. He has small hands and feet. He also has a small penis. I love him so it's always been enough for me, but I have a confession to make. Before I met David I was kind of a free spirit. I experienced a number of different men and several of them were well endowed. I have to admit that sex with some of those men was amazing, really amazing; so yes I was excited by the size of this guy's cock. Still I didn't want to hurt David, so I tried to be diplomatic. I said that it was a big cock. David wasn't satisfied with that answer, he pressed me. He agreed that it was big but wanted to know if I found big cocks exciting. I didn't want to lie to David, so I told him that I didn't want to hurt his feelings; but yes, big cocks did excite me. He told me that it was okay. He knew I loved him and he knew that I enjoyed his cock. Big cocks were a fun fantasy and it was all right with him if I wanted to enjoy that fantasy. That made me feel better. I asked David if he enjoyed fantasizing about women with large breasts. He told me that he didn't and then he repeated that his favorite fantasies all involved me with other men, men with large cocks. I was about to ask him another question, but he stopped me and slid back down the bed. As he repositioned himself between my legs he told me to imagine that he was getting me ready to enjoy the man in the movie and then he started licking me again. Michael I had an unbelievable orgasm and that's saying a lot because since David and I started watching the Roxanne Hall movies I've had some real whoppers. After my orgasm was over David got on top of me and started fucking me. While he was fucking me he whispered that he was imagining that the guy in the movie had just finished fucking me and he was now getting slippery seconds. He asked me if I was too stretched out from the other man's huge cock to feel him. At that moment I was so aroused that I jumped right into the fantasy and told David that after my lover's big cock I really couldn't feel his little penis. As soon as I said it, I regretted it. The last thing I want to do was hurt my wonderful husband's feelings. Amazingly, I didn't. In fact that answer seemed to excite David even more. He actually thanked me for allowing him to fuck me too and then he went at me with a passion that I'd never before experienced from him. While David was fucking me I had another massive orgasm and when he came he must have pumped a gallon of semen into me. It was the most amazing sex we've ever had. Michael, I once again apologize for being so graphic, but this is the only way I can accurately describe what happened. I have to talk to someone about this and you're my best friend. Also, in a way this is kind of related to the problems you're having with Jeanne. This morning, when I thought about what we did last night I got incredibly excited; but it also made me feel ashamed. I'm the mother of two teenagers. I was raised to be a proper lady. I go to church every Sunday. Suddenly my husband and I are fantasizing about me being a slut. Right now I'm feeling terribly confused. But that's not all. Last night, after we were finished, we were lying in bed cuddling. I sensed that David was sad. I asked him about it. He told me that he was ashamed about what he'd just told me. He was certain that I was now disgusted by him. I assured him that I wasn't. I told him that he was the strongest man I knew and I loved him deeply. We were simply playing with a fun fantasy, a fantasy that excited both of us. That made him feel better. We cuddled together for a long time before we both finally fell asleep. Sex certainly can be confusing. Again, I'm sorry if this email is too graphic. I really needed to talk to you about it. I didn't know how to do that without being explicit. Your friend Ruth After I finished reading the email I sat back in the motel chair and shook my head. My wife, my daughters, Charles and Edith Montgomery, Jennifer Rawlins and now Ruth and David; it seemed like extra curricular sex was becoming the norm rather than the exception. I laughed to myself, the night Jeanne announced to me that she was planning to have an affair she suggested exactly that. Maybe she was right. Maybe most married women were getting a little extra on the side, or at least fantasizing about it. Tired from the days drive, I turned off my computer and got into bed. As I tried to fall asleep I thought about Ruth and David. At least they were talking about it first. That had been Jeanne's biggest mistake. She didn't prepare me for it. She just dropped it on me.

Awakenings Ch. 03 "No, of course not. I could never hurt Barb." "Would you hurt the other man?" "I'd think about it." "But you wouldn't do it, would you." Ruth's voice was calm and deliberate. "I would if I found out that he'd forced Barb or drugged her; but otherwise, no. They're adults, they get to make their own choices." Ruth said; "That's right, but you'd have choices too, wouldn't you." Jason shook his head. "Not many." "But you would have choices." "Yes." "What would they be?" Sighing, Jason said; "Stick around and put up with it or leave." He turned to me. "Okay boss, I understand. What can I do to help?" I spent the next hour explaining my financial plans for my family and my plans for the business. Ruth and Jason both listened intently. When I was finished Jason said, "So you want Ruth and I to run the business." "That's what I'd like. I'll maintain regular email and telephone contact with you and when necessary I can assist you with difficult files. Since you're both taking on more responsibility you can expect a commensurate increase in your salaries." Ruth said; "That would be nice, but can the firm afford it?" "I won't be drawing a salary. That will free up money for your salary increases and a salary for another accountant." "You want us to hire another accountant?" Ruth looked at Jason and then back at me. "With me in only an advisory role you'll need one." Jason nodded. "Yes we will." I said, "Look for someone young, someone just out of college." Grinning, Jason said; "You hired me right out of college." "And look at how well that worked out." Ruth asked, "How soon are you planning to leave?" "Thursday." "Is that enough time?" "I think so and I really do need to get away." Nodding, Ruth said; "We'll make sure it's enough time." We heard the door to the outer office open. The three of us looked at each other. The Montgomerys had arrived. We stood up. Ruth said; "I'll get them seated in the conference room." As she was leaving, Jason said; "I'll bring the files." I followed him out of my office. The meeting with the Montgomerys went well. I would have been shocked if it hadn't. Jason took charge and did an impressive job. After the meeting I asked Charles if I could have a word with him in private. As we stepped into my office I noticed that Ruth and Edith stayed in the conference room. Ruth would be talking to Edith. Once we were seated Charles said; "Michael what's on your mind?" "Charles I'm going to take an extended leave from the firm." "Are you ill?" The concern in my old friend's voice was evident. Shaking my head, I said; "No my health is fine." "Are you and Jeanne having problems?" I nodded. "Is she having an affair?" Surprised by his quick assessment of the situation I asked; "How did you know?" "How old is Jeanne?" "Forty-nine." "And your daughters just finished college." "Yes." "It's pretty common. Edith had her first affair when she was forty-eight." "Her first affair? She's had more than one?" "She's had five affairs that lasted a month or more and I lost count of the weekend getaways. That's all in the past now. Her last weekend getaway was, let me think." He paused for a moment and then he said; "It's been at least eight years." "And you were okay with it?" "Not at first, at first I was devastated. That's why I understand what you're going through right now." He smiled. "I did exactly what you're planning to do. I moved to New York and ran our businesses from there. I had to get away." "How long did you stay in New York?" "Fourteen months, it took me that long to come to terms with the situation." "But you did eventually accept the situation." "I love Edith. The thought of living the rest of my life without her was unbearable." "Tell me how you did it. I need to know that there might be hope." "You're doing the right thing." "Leaving?" "Yes, you need some time to heal and Jeanne needs to be confronted with the reality of life without you. Right now your biggest concern is to make sure your hurt and anger don't make you do things that you'll regret later. That's one of the reasons that you have to get away for awhile. "I'm taking steps to make sure that both Jeanne and the girls are financially secure while I'm gone and I've already decided that I'm not going to file for divorce." "That's good, that will show Jeanne that you still care about her. I know Jeanne. She's a lot like Edith. I suspect that right now she's terrified that you hate her." "I could never hate Jeanne." "I know, I could never hate Edith either." "How did you cope with the jealousy?" "When I came back from New York Edith worked hard to make sure I knew that I was loved and I tried to understand. Sometimes it was difficult, but it was better than living with out Edith. Over time it got easier. In fact I actually enjoyed her last two affairs." "You did?" "By then I understood. I knew she didn't really love the guys and at the beginning of an affair she was always so happy. A new romance is unbelievably exciting. I'm thankful that I was finally secure enough to be able to enjoy her last two affairs with her." "I find that hard to believe." "I'm sure you do. You'll find this hard to believe too. At the end I actually encouraged her to take weekend getaways." "You mean with other men." "And women." "Was Edith bisexual?" "No, I'm certain she wasn't, but it would have been all right if she was. It's still just sex. No I'm talking about her group of friends. Including Edith there were four of them. Privately they called themselves the four harlots. They did the weekend getaways together." "What about the men?" "That was the easy part. All four of them were attractive affluent women. It's not difficult to find twenty-five year old men who are eager to spend a commitment free weekend at a luxury resort with four beautiful middle aged women. "Edith was a cougar." "She certainly was and she enjoyed every minute of it. At the end I did too. Michael during the days before those getaways she was actually giddy with excitement. It's fun to see the woman you love that happy." "But you weren't the cause of that happiness." "So what, we had plenty of happy times with each other. We were always laughing and giggling together. The years we were raising our children will always be special, but those last few years when Edith was playing around were wonderful." "Didn't you feel neglected when Edith was on a weekend getaway?" "Hell no, during the week before one of her getaways Edith would try to fuck me to death. I needed the break. Also you can call me an old perv, but when she was gone I had a pretty good time imagining what she was doing." "Really?" "Michael do you ever look at porn movies on the Internet? Be honest." I laughed. "Yeah I admit it, I do." "I do too. Actually these days Edith and I watch them together." "Really?" "Yeah but lets not get sidetracked. Imagine watching a porn movie that featured Jeanne with another guy." "I ah...I don't know." "Michael, be honest. I'll bet you've found a porn star who reminds you of Jeanne." Sheepishly I answered, "Yes." "Who is it?" Quietly, I said; "Julia Ann." Charles smiled. "I agree, there's a very strong resemblance. When you're watching a Julia Ann movie do you ever imagine that it's really Jeanne you're watching?" I did do that, but I was ashamed of it. It was hard to admit it. I looked down at the floor. Charles said; "It's okay Michael. There's nothing wrong with it. It's just fun." I nodded. "But admitting it is difficult." "It shouldn't be. You're not doing anything wrong. Someday I hope that you and Jeanne will reach a point where the two of you can watch a Julia Ann movie together." "Do you have a porn star who reminds you of Edith?" "Oh yes." "May I ask who it is?" "Certainly, it's Diamond Foxx. Of course we're talking about Edith when she was a much younger woman. Diamond Foxx is probably forty years younger than Edith; but when Edith was young, when she was slutted up before a date or a weekend getaway; she looked just like Diamond Foxx." "Slutted up?" "That's what the four harlots called it. When they we're going out they loved to get their hair done; lay on some heavy eye makeup and lip rouge and dress in tight short skirts, low cut blouses, nylon stockings and spike heeled pumps. I think they enjoyed that almost as much as the sex. Michael it was an adventure for them. When they were out with another man they got to be somebody completely different." "And you actually learned to enjoy it." "Yes I did. My only regret is that I didn't relax and start enjoying it much earlier." I shook my head. "You make it sound; I don't know, I guess exciting." "Once you finally realize that it has nothing to do with love it is exciting and fun too." "I'm not there yet." "No you're not. That's why you have to go away." "I'm worried about the business." "Don't be. I'm impressed with Jason. He seems like a very capable young man." "He is." "And the Internet and a cell phone will allow you to stay in touch." "That's true." "Michael I'm certain that my financial affairs will still be handled professionally." "Thank you Charles; I appreciate your confidence, your understanding and your advice." "Get away, take some time for yourself. It will get easier and when it does, come back to us." We smiled at each other. Charles patted my shoulder and said; "And now I'd better go find Edith and take her home." He winked at me. "This evening we're going to watch a Diamond Foxx movie. We're both looking forward to it." Charles and I walked into the reception area together. We were both grinning. Edith and Ruth were sitting next to Ruth's desk drinking coffee. When she saw us Edith asked; "What are the two of you grinning about?" Charles said; "I just told Michael about our movie plans for the evening." "Were you specific about the star of the movie?" "Definitely." "Did you tell him why we like that particular actress?" "Yes I did." Edith stood up, walked over to me and kissed my cheek. "I hope that someday you and Jeanne have a movie star that you both enjoy for the same reason." "It's going to take some time before I reach that point." "Yes I'm sure it will, but try to understand. It really is a wonderfully exciting way to live." Edith turned and took Charles' arm. "Let's go home dear. I want to get slutted up before we watch the movie." Charles laughed. "I was hoping you were planning to do that." "Of course I am, it makes watching the movie much more fun." As they walked out of the office I looked at Edith. I could see it. When she was younger and slutted up I imagined that she probably did look quite a bit like Diamond Foxx. As soon as they were gone Ruth asked, "What was all that about a movie and what movie star were they talking about?" I shook my head. "I think that was told to me in confidence." "Michael don't be a putz. Besides Edith told me everything. I just don't understand the discussion about the movie." "Edith told you everything?" "Yes, everything. She told me about her five affairs, the weekend getaways, the four harlots; I even know what she meant when she said she wanted to get slutted up." "She told you all of that?" "Yes, why shouldn't she? Edith and I are good friends. I also think she was afraid that I might end my friendship with Jeanne over this." "Please don't do that. Right now Jeanne needs her friends." "Don't worry, I won't. Now tell me about the movie." "All right, they're going to watch a porn movie." "A porn movie? Really?" Ruth smiled. "I hope David and I are still watching porn movies when we're in our seventies. So who's the porn star?" "Diamond Foxx." "Never heard of her." "Do you watch a lot of porn?" "Not really, once in awhile David and I will watch one late at night on the Internet. I think he watches quite a bit of it." "Most men do." "Do you watch porn on the Internet?" "Yes." "So tell me about this Diamond Foxx." "She's a fairly well known porn star. I think she's in her late thirties. She's very attractive in a slutty kind of way. Charles thinks that when Edith was younger and slutted up she looked a lot like Diamond Foxx." "Does she?" "Yes, I can see it." "I'm going to have to look her up on the Internet." Ruth paused for a moment and then she asked; "Do you have a porn star who looks like Jeanne?" "You're getting a little personal." "Tell me." "Okay, yes I do. Her name is Julia Ann." Ruth smiled. "I'll look her up too. I wonder if David has a porn star who looks like me?" "If he doesn't, tell him to check out Roxanne Hall." "Really? I'll have to look her up too." I laughed. Grinning at me, Ruth made a shooing motion with her hands. "Go back to your office and do some work. I have to do some Internet research." Still laughing, I went back into my office. A half hour later I heard a knock. "Come in." It was Ruth. "Charles is right. While Edith is much older now, I'll bet that at one time she did look just like Diamond Foxx. Especially when she was slutted up." "That's what I thought too." "And Jeanne is a dead ringer for Julia Ann." "I agree." "And thank you, I'm flattered. Roxanne Hall is hot." "You're not thinking about following Edith and Jeanne's lead are you?" "No I'm only thirty-eight. I'm not old enough to start that yet. Besides, I still have a son in high school and a in junior high." Ruth laughed. "Still, when Michelle graduates from college I may decide to reevaluate that position." "If you do, spend a little time preparing David before you drop that bomb on him." "Don't worry, I will. In fact I plan to do a little preparing tonight." "What do you mean?" "I found a web site that has several Roxanne Hall movies that can be downloaded. Both Ben and Michelle are going out this evening. I plan to get slutted up and invite David to watch one of the movies with me. I'm not going to mention that you suggested that I resemble her. I'm going to wait and see if David notices." "How are you going to explain your interest in that particular porn star?" "I'll tell David that my sister Becky recommended the movie." "Does Becky watch a lot of porn?" "Not really, but if I warn her she'll back me up." Ruth shrugged. "Actually Becky and I look a lot alike. If David and I enjoy the movie I'll tell Becky to watch it with her husband." Laughing, I said; "I wonder if Charles and Edith realize what they've done." Ruth smiled and went back to her desk. I spent the rest of Saturday and all day Sunday organizing my financial plans. While it was time consuming, it was relatively easy. I was an accountant with all of the resources of my firm at my disposal. Just after noon on Sunday my cell phone rang. The caller ID showed that it was Ruth. I answered it. "Hi Ruth." "Hi Michael, how are you doing today?" "I'm a little sad, but other than that I'm okay." "I have something that might cheer you up." "Tell me." "Telling you about this feels a little weird, but after everything that's happened during the past few days I think we can talk about things like this." "Okay." "Michael, David and I downloaded a Roxanne Hall movie last night. David hooked his laptop up to our bedroom television. We watched it in bed. David saw the resemblance immediately. He went wild. He loved it. Michael we did it three times last night. We haven't done it that many times in one night since we were newlyweds." "It sounds like you had a fun night." "We did. David wants to get another movie tonight. I'm afraid that I might have created a monster." I laughed. "But you're enjoying this monster, aren't you." "Oh yes, I can't wait until tonight." "I'm happy to hear you had a good time. Thanks for telling me. It did cheer me up." "Thank you for telling me about Roxanne Hall. I'm feeling pretty cheery right now too." I laughed again. "Michael I have to run. We're going to a barbecue at David's sisters house. I'll see you tomorrow morning." "Okay Ruth, thanks for the call. Have a good time watching your movie tonight." Ruth laughed. "I'm pretty sure that I'm going to have a wonderful time." And then she hung up. I set my cell phone down, sat back in my chair and shook my head. Suddenly it seemed like everyone I knew was preoccupied with sex. When I walked into the office the next morning Ruth was seated at her desk. I smiled and asked, "How was your evening?" Ruth grinned at me. "I think I'm going to be walking funny for a week." "It sounds like it was a fun night." "Believe me, it was." Chuckling, I walked into my office and sat down at my desk. I took a minute to focus my attention and then I began the process of liquidating my stocks, bonds and mutual funds. Shortly after I started Jason joined me. We worked together for the entire morning. By lunch time we'd sold everything and both of us felt confident that we'd done everything we could to minimize the tax liabilities. Still they were extensive. Monday afternoon I stored my Lexus and bought a year old Ford Escape. I planned to tour the United States. The Escape seemed like a more suitable vehicle for this adventure. My final tasks for Monday were to purchase a new cell phone with a new telephone number and a high quality lap top computer. I also set up a new Gmail account. Jason and Ruth were the only people who would know the address. I spent Tuesday planning my trip. I purchased a sleeping bag, cooler and several good quality flashlights. If I needed to do it I could store my gear in the front seat of the Escape, put down the rear seat and sleep in the back. While I was planning on sleeping in motels, I had plenty of space and this was a nice fall back option. Wednesday morning the money from the sale of the stocks, bonds and mutual funds became available. Jason, Ruth and I spent the day funding the four trusts. By the end of the workday Wednesday everything was complete. I was planning to leave early Thursday morning. After saying goodbye to Jason and Ruth I sat down at my desk and composed a short letter to Jeanne. Dear Jeanne I am now convinced that you're determined to adopt this new life style. I'm trying to understand, but I'm finding it difficult. Right now I can't bear the thought of once again having to see you get dressed up for a date with another man. While I still love you and believe that you still love me, I need time to sort out my feelings about what you're doing. The only way I can do that is to temporarily separate myself from you. I'm going away. By the time you read this I'll be gone. I don't know when I'll return. I have set up a trust fund for you and both of the girls. Jason and Ruth are administering the funds. The three of you should contact them at your earliest opportunity so that they can explain the details of these funds. All three of you should be financially secure. As I said earlier, I still love you and I ardently hope that at some time in the future we can resume living together as man and wife. If you wish to divorce me you'll have to initiate the action yourself, but I won't fight it. While I really do still love you, I want you to be happy. If that means terminating our marriage so that you can pursue a relationship with someone else I'll be hurt, but I will survive." If you need to contact me you can do it through Jason or Ruth. They both have my cell phone number and my email address. Please don't badger them. They have strict instructions not to give that information out to anyone. I will miss both you and the girls. Please give them my love. Please also remember that I will always love you. I don't know when I'll be back, but I will return. When that happens I look forward to seeing all three of you again. Love, Michael I put the letter in Ruth's computer's desk top file and sent an accompanying note requesting that she email the letter to Jeanne the next morning. After finishing that task I took the pictures of Jeanne and the girls that I kept on my desk, put them in my brief case and walked out of my office.

Awakenings Ch. 03 A fateful Saturday I slept until 7:00 the next morning. Sleeping past 6:00 was rare for me. It had been a tough week. I needed the rest. After a quick shower I dressed and left for my office. Even though I was planning to talk to Jeanne in the afternoon, I kept my motel room. I wasn't certain when I'd be ready to move back home. I needed breakfast. I drove by Lyle's Cafe. It was Saturday morning. It was crowded. I didn't stop. Instead I pulled into MacDonalds and picked up an Egg McMuffin, an orange juice and a large coffee. That was plenty of breakfast for me. I arrived at my office just after 8:00. Ruth and Jason were sitting on Ruth's desk drinking coffee. Even though it was Saturday morning I wasn't surprised to see that they were already in the office. They were outstanding employees. They both fully understood the importance of the meeting with the Montgomerys. When I walked in they smiled at me. Ruth said; "Morning Michael, can I get you a cup of coffee?" "Ruth, you don't need to bring me coffee." "Michael, you're not only my boss, you're also one of my closest friends. While in this office it may not be necessary to get coffee for the boss, it certainly seems appropriate to bring it to my friends." Smiling, I said; "Ruth I would love a cup of coffee." While Ruth was getting me a cup of coffee Jason asked; "How ya doin this morning boss?" "I'm okay Jason." As Ruth handed me my coffee she asked; "Did you get any sleep last night?" "Actually I did. I think I was too tired not to sleep." They both nodded. Jason went into his office. A moment later he returned with a plate of cookies. "Barb made chocolate chip cookies yesterday. She sent a plate for us." I grinned at him. "Jason you have a wonderful wife." He grinned back. "I do boss, marrying Barb was the smartest move I ever made." There was a moment of awkward silence. Our smiles disappeared as all three of us remembered that I also used to believe that about my marriage to Jeanne. Ruth said, "Michael it's just a phase she's going through. You'll work this out." Nodding, I said; "Last night I came to that same conclusion." I'd decided not to mention Jennifer Rawlins. My discussion with her raised issues that I didn't feel comfortable addressing with Ruth. Smiling, Ruth said; "I'm glad. Making the decision to try to work things out is the first step towards actually doing it." I nodded. There was a moment of serious silence and then I said; "Hey in a little over an hour the two most important clients this firm has are going to walk through that door. Before they get here let's make sure that all of our I's are dotted and T's are crossed." The three of us moved into my office and started reviewing files. Ruth had joined us as a secretary, but she was a bright woman who learned quickly. While she lacked the formal training that Jason and I had, she had an exceptional practical understanding of accounting that made her input invaluable. We worked quietly. Occasionally one of us noticed a potential concern and we discussed it as a team. At 9:15 the telephone rang. Ruth picked up the phone on my desk. "Nolan Accounting, how may I help you?" She listened for a moment and then she said; "Michael is right here, let me check with him. I'm going to put you on hold." She pressed a button on the telephone and looked at Jason and me. "It's Charles Montgomery's secretary. Mathew, their youngest son and his wife were involved in an automobile accident this morning. No one was hurt, but his car was totaled. They'd like to postpone the meeting until 2:00 this afternoon." I said, "Tell them that 2:00 will be fine." Ruth pushed another button on my telephone. "2:00 will be just fine. Mr. Nolan also said that he's relieved that no one was hurt and if there's any way he can be of assistance with the insurance claims, please let us know." That was one of the many reasons that Ruth was such a valuable asset to the firm. Ruth set my telephone back on its cradle and said; "They're coming at 2:00." I said, "Are we ready?" Jason said. "The Montgomery account is as well maintained as any financial account in the western hemisphere. They could show up at 2:00 AM on a Sunday morning and we'd be ready." "I agree. It's Saturday morning. All three of us have things we'd like to do. Let's adjourn and meet back here at 1:30." Looking at me, Ruth asked; "Are you going to talk to Jeanne this morning?" Sighing, I said; "It's a little scary, but it is what I need to do." Ruth nodded. "Yes it is. I'll be back here at 1:00 in case you need to talk." "Thanks Jeanne." Jason said; "I'll be here too boss." "Thanks Jason, you're good friend." He smiled. Ruth asked, "Are you going to call her and tell her you'll be early?" I thought for a moment and then I said; "No, it's my house and Jeanne is still my wife. I shouldn't have to announce my arrival. I also think this might be better. I'm fairly certain that Jeanne was planning to throw a full court home maker press at me; fancy lunch, coffee, heaven knows what else. Her skills as a home maker aren't part of this question. I think an impromptu meeting might actually be more productive." Ruth nodded. "Okay, I'll be back here at 1:00." She grabbed her purse and hurried out the door. Jason said, "Boss I'll see you in four hours." And then he turned and followed Ruth out the door. After spending five more minutes making certain that everything was in order for the meeting with the Montgomerys I left too. I was nervous, but it was time to talk to Jeanne. During the drive to my house I thought about my previous night's conversation with Jennifer Rawlins. She'd suggested that it was likely that this was much more complicated than a simple case of Jeanne falling in love with another man. While I still wasn't certain how I felt about everything Jennifer had told me, I now believed that I needed to listen to Jeanne. She'd kept asking me to try to understand. I was now willing to listen and make an effort to do that. That still didn't mean that understanding was going to be easy or even possible. I turned onto our street and pushed the button on my garage door opener. As the garage door went up my stomach did a flip flop. Jeanne's Honda was parked on her side of the garage, but there was another car parked on my side of the garage. It was a black BMW, a black BMW identical to the car Derick Fischer was driving when he picked up Jeanne on Wednesday evening. Last night Jeanne had assured me that she was going to end her affair with Fischer. Apparently she was lying. Trying to control my building anger, I parked behind Jeanne's car. I was still thinking clearly enough to know that I didn't want to impede Fischer's ability to leave. I sat in my car and took several long slow breaths. While I was primed to storm into the house and make a scene, reason told me that there was a better course of action. This situation was a potential opportunity to learn at least a little bit of the truth. Instead of storming into the house I got out of my car, carefully closed the door and walked through the garage. After quietly opening the door to the kitchen I stepped inside and listened. I thought I could hear noises in the back part of the house, the part of the house where our bedroom was located. I tiptoed through the kitchen, across the dining room and into the living room. The noises grew louder. I could hear talking. It was coming from the bedroom hallway. I entered the bedroom hallway. The master bedroom was at the end of the hall. The door was open. It was the source of the voices. They were in our bedroom. As I quietly walked down the hall I could hear a man's voice. "Damn Jeanne, you really do love to suck my cock, don't you." Jeanne laughed. "I do. I think that surprises me even more than it does you; but it's true. I do love to suck your cock. I was taught to believe that cocks are dirty and nasty. Now I realize that's a lie. Cocks aren't dirty, they're wonderful. Your cock is wonderful. I love your cock. I love to suck your cock." Jeanne giggled. "A month ago I wouldn't have even dared to say the word cock." As I listened to the woman who was the love of my life say those words to another man, my heart broke. I was hurt, deeply hurt and that hurt quickly turned into anger. Thinking about revenge, I took out my cell phone and turned on the camera. As I stepped into the bedroom doorway Jeanne said; "Lie back, I want you to enjoy this." Fischer asked, "What are you going to do?" "Don't ask questions, just lie back and enjoy it." They were both so preoccupied with what they were doing that they didn't notice me standing in the doorway. I watched in horror as my naked wife slowly stroked Fischer's cock with her right hand while she cupped his testicles in her left hand and began kissing and licking them. As Jeanne sucked one of his ball's into her mouth, Fischer exclaimed; "Oh my god, no one has ever done this to me." And then he laughed. "My wife doesn't even like to suck my cock. She'll only do it as a special treat on my birthday and our anniversary." Now consumed by a desire for revenge, I raised my cell phone and took two pictures. Both of them showed Fischer's face and both of them accurately depicted exactly what Jeanne was doing to him. After slipping my cell phone back into my pocket, I stepped into our bedroom and said; "My wife has never shown much interest in sucking my cock and she's never licked my balls. I think I should try to meet your wife. Maybe she'll be as excited about sucking my cock as my wife is about sucking yours." At the sound of my voice Jeanne sat up and snapped around. "Michael, what are you doing here? What happened to your meeting with the Montgomerys?" "It got postponed." "Why didn't you call and tell me you were going to be early?" "Jeanne this is my house too. Are you telling me that I now have to call before I can come home?" "No, of course not. It's just that..." "Hey mother fucker, you leave my wife out of this discussion." Fischer was now sitting up and he was glaring at me. I glared back at him. "Right now you're in my bed with my wife. You're both naked and she was just licking your balls. You're first response in this situation is to challenge me because you're upset that I mentioned you wife. Are you really that stupid?" Suddenly speechless, Fischer stared at me. He was beginning to appreciate the seriousness of the situation." Jeanne said, "Michael this is all a big mistake." "I'm relieved to hear that Jeanne. I was certain that I'd just walked into our bedroom and found you and another man naked in the bed where I sleep. Even worse, I thought you were licking his balls which is something you've never done for me." I shook my head. "I know I should believe you, but lately you've had tendency to stretch the truth. I think I should check the pictures I just took." Fischer jumped up. "You took fucking pictures? Where are they?" He took a threatening step towards me. "Give it to me, give me that damn camera right now." "And why should I do that?" "Because I'll beat the fucking shit out of you if you don't." "Really? In my bedroom. You do understand that the only way you'll be able to keep me from calling the police will be to kill me." "Bull shit, I'll just tell them that you caught me with your wife and attacked me in a fit of jealous rage." I nodded. "Good plan, but how will that help you? Your wife will still find out. Oh, and I point out that there is a witness." I turned to my wife. "Jeanne will you lie to protect your boyfriend after he beats up your husband?" Jeanne didn't respond. Her face was buried in her hands. She was too horrified to speak. Fischer sighed. "Okay, you're right. I can't lay a hand on you." "That's magnanimous of you." Ignoring my sarcasm, Fischer continued. "But I beg you not to send those pictures to my wife. They'll devastate her." "Mr. Fischer how do you think I feel right now. I just walked into my bedroom and found you and my wife naked in my bed and she was doing things for you that she's never done for me. I'm feeling pretty fucking devastated and you don't seem to give a shit about that." Jeanne wailed. Fischer shook his head. "Look, I'm sorry. I know that doesn't mean much, but I don't know what else to say. I was an asshole. I didn't think about what I was doing. Do what you need to do. I deserve it. I tried to fuck you over." While I suspected that Fischer was simply trying a different tactic, it was a better tactic than the two he'd just employed. My anger dissipating, I shrugged. "I don't have any desire to hurt anyone. Not you." I turned to my wife. "And especially not you Jeanne." Jeanne looked up at me with pleading eyes. I ignored her. "Right now I hurt and all I want to do is get somewhere where I won't hurt quite so much. Goodbye Jeanne, it's been a wonderful twenty-seven years; but now it appears that all of that is over. I'll remember our good years fondly." I turned and walked out of the bedroom. As I was crossing the living room I heard the sound of running footsteps and then Jeanne cried; "Micheal please give me a chance. I want to do all of those things for you. This afternoon I was going to suck your cock and lick your balls. I was even going to try to get you to fuck my ass. I want to find out how that feels and I wanted you to do it." I stopped and looked back at Jeanne. She was hurriedly putting on her robe. Shaking my head, I said; "I wish I could believe you, but I remind you that last night you promised me that you were going to stop seeing Fischer. I'm sorry, but your word doesn't mean much to me anymore." I turned and hurried through the dining room and kitchen to the garage. As I left the house Jeanne wailed; "Michael, I love you; please come back." I got into my car. As I drove away I looked in the review mirror. Jeanne was standing on our front lawn crying. Part of me desperately wanted to go back and console her. I didn't. At that moment I was too hurt and angry to be able to do that. It was just after 11:00 when I reached the sanctuary of my office. Ruth and Jason weren't due back until 1:00 so I had two hours of solitude. I needed it. I had to think and I had to plan. Everything for the meeting with the Montgomerys was already prepared, so I was able to focus all of my attention on my personal problems. The previous four days had been devastating. I felt like the three people who I trusted and loved most in this world had just betrayed me. Intellectually I knew that wasn't true. Tricia, Jodie and Jeanne still loved me. I firmly believed that. Still with Tricia and Jodie's support Jeanne had unilaterally altered the basic tenets of our marriage and in the process of doing that she'd lied to me and humiliated me. Jeanne was an adult. Tricia and Jodie were too. They were free to pursue the lives they wanted. It now appeared to me that regardless of what I might say or do Jeanne was determined to adopt a new way of life. That meant that I had two choices. I could accept her new life style and stay with her or I could sever my ties with her and live the life that I chose. The idea of leaving Jeanne and the girls was heartbreaking, but so was the prospect of repeatedly having to watch the woman I love get dressed for a date with another man. I was hurt, angry and disillusioned. I needed time to think and heal. I kept remembering Jennifer Rawlins' words. "Michael this is a complicated situation." Because I believed her I wasn't going to act rashly. I was angry, but I didn't want revenge and I certainly wasn't considering divorce. If Jeanne wanted a divorce she was going to have to initiate that action by herself. What I needed was time. Everything had happened so fast. Jeanne was right. She should have spent more time talking to me about this, preparing me for it. Unfortunately she didn't and now we were in a crisis and I could only think of one way to alleviate this crisis. I needed to separate myself from Jeanne. It didn't have to be a permanent separation, in fact I ardently hoped that it wouldn't be; but I needed time away. I was a wealthy man. I'd built a successful accounting firm and invested my money wisely. We owned our home and had over twenty million dollars worth of stocks, mutual funds and bonds. On Monday I would begin liquidating those assets. While doing it quickly would be costly and the tax liability would be severe, I was quite certain that I could manage to end up with at least ten million dollars in cash. That would allow me to create a two million dollar trust fund for both Jeanne and myself, a million and a half dollar fund for each of the girls and still have a nice reserve fund. I would arrange to have the trust funds for Jeanne and myself pay out a monthly sum of eight thousand dollars. If Jeanne continued to live in our house and kept her job with the law firm she'd be very comfortable. I knew that I could easily live on eight thousand dollars a month. The girl's funds were a little trickier. I didn't want to make them independently wealthy. I wanted them to pursue their careers and create their own successes. Still, realizing that as they matured they would be facing major expenses like weddings, the birth of children and the purchase of homes; I wanted to be able to help them. That was why I was creating their two trust funds. I would ask Jason and Ruth to administer the funds. When the girls needed money all they would have to do was contact Jason or Ruth. It was a good plan. It would allow me to leave feeling confident that my wife and daughters were financially secure. I was making a list of things that had to be done Monday morning when Ruth walked into my office. Jason Ridner was right behind her. I looked up. Ruth asked. "How was your talk with Jeanne?" I told them everything that happened. When I was finished Jason said; "Damn boss that must have been awful." I shrugged. Ruth asked, "Do you want me to cancel the meeting with the Montgomerys?" Shaking my head, I said; "Absolutely not. They're our most important clients and they're good friends too. We're going to meet with them and give them a rock solid comprehensive report about their financial status." Smiling, Jason said; "Damn right boss." But then he paused. After a moment he said; "Boss can I make a suggestion?" "Of course you can." "After you start the meeting why don't you let me give the report." Smiling back at Jason, I said; "That's an excellent idea." He looked at me with a surprised expression. I said; "It is an excellent idea. It's time for you to start taking a more visible role in the operation of this firm." Jason grinned at me. I glanced at Ruth. She was watching me with a mistrustful expression. I had a feeling that she was beginning to suspect what I was planning to do. We still had a little time before the meeting, so I decided that I might as well tell them. Before I could say anything Ruth said; "You're leaving, aren't you." I nodded. "Yes." Alarmed, Jason said; "Boss, no; you can't leave." Ruth looked at him. "Jason what would you do if Barb started dating another man?" "I'd go crazy." "Would you hurt Barb?"

Awakenings Ch. 02 There were seven people in the bar. A fifty something, slightly overweight, balding bartender appeared to be in charge. An older, reasonably fit black man with salt and pepper hair was playing the piano. Two couples, both in their thirties were seated at separate tables talking quietly and sipping cocktails. The seventh person was an extremely attractive, well dressed middle aged woman. She was seated at the bar. I sat down three stools to her right. As soon as I was settled the bartender came over and said, "Welcome to the Cosmopolitan. My name is Jerry. What can get you?" "A double Chivas, two ice cubes and a glass of water on the side." "You got it buddy." Jerry turned and started working on my drink. The woman three stools to my left said; "You aren't in to single malts?" I shrugged. "While there are certainly some excellent single malts, there are also lots of bad ones. Just being a single malt doesn't make it a good whisky. I happen to like Chivas. It's a nice smooth scotch. It may not be as prestigious as some of the fashionable single malts, but I enjoy it and that's all that matters to me." "Dear me, an independent thinker. How absolutely exciting." "I'm sorry, you initiated this conversation. Your sarcasm is neither welcome nor appreciated." The woman turned so she was facing me. "I apologize. You're right, I asked you a question and you gave me an honest answer. My sarcasm was completely unwarranted." "Apology accepted." Jerry brought me my Chivas and the side of water. I took a sip of the scotch. As I set my glass down on the bar the woman asked, "So what brings you into the Cosmopolitan tonight?" I turned to her. "I'm sorry, you're a beautiful woman. I'm flattered that your even willing to acknowledge my existence, but I've had an awful week. I really don't have the energy to hook up with someone tonight." "Now that's a question provoking statement if I've ever heard one." "It wasn't meant to be, it's just the truth." "Tonight I'm not trying to hook up with anyone either. I've had a hard week too, but you're an intriguing man and I do enjoy an interesting conversation." Smiling, I said; "Okay, right now a little conversation would be good for me. Can I buy you a drink?" "No, I have one and even if I didn't I wouldn't let you buy me one." "Yeah, okay I get it; hey I really don't have the energy for games tonight." I turned away from her. "That wasn't a rejection. I don't happen to believe in letting men buy me drinks. If I decide to talk to you I'll do it because I think you're nice or interesting or hopefully both. When I'm looking for a little intimate companionship, and that does occasionally occur, a man's not going to improve his position by buying me a drink. Sweetheart, a five dollar martini is not going to get you into my panties." I had to admit that I found her honesty refreshing. I nodded to her, "Okay, I'm not offended." "I'm sorry, I really am. I try to be honest, but sometimes I end up appearing insolent and rude." "Yeah well we all have our problems." "I get the feeling that you've had a very bad day. Would you like to tell me about it? Sometimes talking to a complete stranger can be quite helpful." I stared at her. After a moment I said; "If you wouldn't mind, I really would like to talk to you about it." "I wouldn't mind at all, but before you start revealing your deepest personal secrets I think we should introduce ourselves." She grabbed her martini and moved over to the bar stool next to mine. After setting her drink on the bar she extended her hand and said; "I'm Jennifer Rawlins". I shook her hand. "I'm pleased to meet you Jennifer, I'm Michael Nolan." Jennifer lifted her eyebrows. "Michael, not Mike?" "You just introduced yourself as Jennifer rather than Jen or Jenny. I think I can raise the same question." Jennifer smiled. "Touche, I like you Michael Nolan. You know how to stand your ground." Shaking my head, I said; "I wish that was true." "Oh my, that was a telling remark if I've ever heard one." I shrugged. She said, "Okay. it's obvious you have something you need to get off your chest so let's get it done. I'm all ears." I spent the next half hour telling her everything. When I was finished Jennifer looked at me and said; "Damn, that reminds me of my own story." "It does?" "Michael how old are you?" "forty-nine." "And Jeanne?" "She's forty-nine too." "And how long did you say you've been married?" "Twenty-six years." "How old are you're girls? I know you told me, but tell me again." "Jodie is twenty-three. Tricia is twenty-four." "I'm fifty-three. I've been divorced for eight years. I have a son, Tom who's now twenty-seven and a , Marybeth who's twenty-six. When my ex husband divorced me Tom was nineteen and Marybeth was eighteen." "You say your ex husband divorced you, why?" "I'm an administrative assistant for a local automobile dealership. He caught me in a motel room with one of the salesmen who works for the same dealership." "You were cheating on him?" "I certainly was." "How long?" "Three months, but that wasn't my first affair. There were two other guys before that." "How long were those affairs?" "Six or seven months, in both cases we eventually got bored with each other. You might say that both of those affairs died of natural causes." "How did your husband finally figure it out. How did he catch you in the motel room?" I was a self centered bitch." "That's a little harsh." "That's what I was. For almost two years I regularly gave it up to another guy while I forgot about the man I loved." "You mean you stopped having sex with your husband." "It happened gradually, but by the time I was in the middle of my third affair that was about it. Richard, that's my ex husband was lucky if he got a mercy fuck once a month." "Why? Didn't you like him?" "No I liked him, I loved him too. Hell Richard Marks is the only man I'll ever love." "So why did you cut him off?" "That's not the full question. I didn't just cut Richard off, I did it while I was regularly giving it up to another man." "You almost sound proud of that." Jennifer shook her head. "No I'm not proud of it. I'm ashamed of it." "So why did you do it?" "That's the million dollar question." "Do you know the answer?" "After several years of therapy, I think I do." "Will you tell me?" "It's complicated." "It might help me with Jeanne." "It might, but it also might not." "I haven't got much to lose." "You're not a middle aged woman. I'm not sure you'll understand." "Again, what have I got to lose? I told you mine, now it's your turn to tell me yours." "You've already heard most of it." "Yes, but I haven't heard the why. That's what I'm dying to know." "it might not be the same why with Jeanne." "I know, but at least it might give me a place to start." "Okay, I was forty-one. My two kids were in high school. I nodded. "I know, you were beginning to feel old and useless." Jennifer bristled. "Michael, are you being judgmental?" "Maybe a little. I'm getting old too." "You have your career." "You had a career too. You told me that you were an administrative assistant at an automobile dealership." "Michael you own and run an accounting firm. Richard is a full professor at Kelroy College. I'm an administrative assistant. That's a fancy name for a secretary. I type documents and bring men coffee." "Okay, you win on that one." "It's not a matter of winning or losing, it's a matter of understanding." "You're right, I understand. "Do you?" "I don't know. I'll try." "That's a start." "Okay, you were feeling old and unfulfilled." I held up my hand. "That was not intended to be a disparaging remark." "I'll accept that. Yes I was and I was also beginning to question my sexual desirability." "Why?" "I looked in the mirror." "You're a beautiful woman." "Thank you, I was when I was twenty-five and yes, men still tell me that now; but when I looked in the mirror I saw the changes in my skin and the lines that were beginning to appear around my eyes and mouth." "We all get old. That's why marriage is so important. A husband and wife grow old together. Love allows them to accept the superficial changes that are occurring." "You're absolutely right and I kept trying to tell myself that; but..." Jennifer's voice trailed off. I watched her. After a moment she said, "Losing your sexual desirability is another issue." "Did your husband lose interest in you?" Smiling, Jennifer said; "No, I lost interest in him." "You're not making sense." "I lost interest in respectable sex." "Respectable sex?" "Proper sex, the sex a virtuous wife engages in with her husband." "Was your ex husband a prude?" Jennifer shook her head. "That's the saddest part of my depressing tale. He wasn't. I'm quite certain he would have loved some dirty nasty sex." "You're losing me." "Michael, my husband had me on a pedestal. I was his wife, the mother of his children and his idea of feminine perfection. Sadly it was a status that I enjoyed and one that I wasn't willing to risk. I didn't dare admit to that wonderful man that I had an insatiable desire to occasionally be a nasty cock sucking slut." "He probably would have loved you even more." "You're right and while I know that now, I didn't know it then. Being a model wife and mother was the core of my identity. I didn't dare risk that." "So you had an affair." "Two of them and I'm ashamed to admit that I did things for those men that I never did for my husband, the only man I will ever love." Shaking her head, Jennifer said; "Richard was the perfect husband, father and provider. I felt that I had to be the perfect wife, mother and homemaker and that included being a paragon of virtue." Jennifer paused for a moment and then she said; "Michael, this country has an outrageous double standard about sex. On Sundays we go to church where we self righteously celebrate our uptight morality and virtuously condemn the Jezebels and Lotharios who violate our strict standards of respectability. That's our public facade. In private everything changes. As soon as we get home from church we log on to the Internet and eagerly seek out stories, movies and pictures describing every sexual perversion imaginable." Sighing, Jennifer said; "And eventually many of us succumb to our insatiable desire to act out those perverted fantasies." "Perverted fantasies? Isn't that a little overly dramatic?" "It is, but when you're a proper middle class wife and mother anything other than missionary position intercourse feels perverted and adventurous." "And you didn't dare do that with your husband." "I was ashamed to do it with him." "But you did it with three other men." "Men I barely knew. Men I hardly talked to when we were together." "The anonymity was what made it work." Jennifer smiled. "You're beginning to understand." "It doesn't make it okay." "No it doesn't, but I don't think this is an issue of right or wrong or good or bad. We're products of our culture." I nodded, but then I said; "I gather that your husband didn't see it that way." "No he certainly did not. I've repeatedly tried to explain it to him. He won't listen and I don't blame him. He hired a private detective. They had the motel room under both audio and video surveillance. He saw the things I did for my boyfriend." "Things you didn't do for him." "Michael I can't begin to describe how much I'd like to go back and change that. If he'd let me I'd spend the rest of my life as Richard's personal whore." "Has he found another woman?" "No, in fact I'm reasonably certain that he doesn't even date." Slowly shaking her head, Jennifer said; "I shattered his confidence." Nodding, I said; "You made him feel old and undesirable." "But he wasn't, he isn't. He still isn't." "Men are every bit as vulnerable as women to the fears and self doubt that come with advancing age." "I know." "Jeanne called me a balding middle aged man with a paunch. She's tried to take it back, but those are words that are difficult to forget." "Especially when you know that she was about to spend an evening in bed with another man, a younger man." Sighing, I said; "Yes, that makes it much harder to forget those words." "Michael this is a complicated situation. I'm sure your wife still loves you." "I believe she does too." "Do you still love her?" "Yes, I do; very much." "Then talk to her. Try to get her to go to a marriage counselor. Try to work this out." "I'll call her. I'll talk to her. I'll even try to get her to go to counseling, but Jennifer." I paused. She said, "Yes?" "If I find out that Jeanne did things with this other man that she's refused to do with me." I sighed. "I don't think I'll be able to handle that." "Michael please try to understand. We're products of a repressed, uptight culture. For many of us it's difficult to reconcile our physical desires with the puritanical ethics that were instilled in us while we grew up." "I know; but love, sharing and mutual concern are also important. For the past several years I've been virtually celibate." "Richard was too. I'm not attempting to justify either my behavior or Jeanne's. I'm just trying to tell you that it's complicated." Nodding, I said; "I understand. Thank you, I appreciate your insights. I really do mean that." Jennifer looked at the clock over the bar. It was 10:30. She finished her drink and stood up. "Michael while our conversation became quite serious, it was satisfying. I'm glad I met you tonight and I hope I see you again." I smiled. "Our conversation was confusing and at times unsettling, but it was enlightening. Jennifer, you're a bright thoughtful woman. I enjoyed meeting you too." Jennifer stared at me for a moment and then she said; "Call Jeanne." "I will." "Call her tonight." "It's late." "That doesn't matter. This is an issue that supersedes the social conventions regarding the time of day. Call her, do it now." Realizing that she was right, I said; "Okay, I'll call her tonight." "Promise?" "Yes, I promise." "Good." Jennifer kissed my cheek and said; "Michael, you're a very handsome and desirable man. If it wasn't so obvious that you're still deeply in love with Jeanne I'd try to entice you to share my bed with me tonight." Laughing I said; "Thank you Jennifer, that was kind. Right now my faltering ego needs every boost it can get." "Michael that wasn't an attempt to shore up your ego. That was the truth and if your marriage does collapse you're going to quickly find that out. Women are going to be hounding you for dates." "Well I still am in love with Jeanne, so for the time being it's a moot point." "I know and that's one of the many reasons you're so attractive." Jennifer kissed me again and said; "I wish you well sweet man." And then she turned and walked out of the bar. As soon as Jennifer was gone I finished my scotch and said goodbye to Jerry the bartender. It was 10:45 Friday night. When I stepped out of the Cosmopolitan Lounge First Avenue was bustling with activity. It was a warm August evening. People were leaving theaters and restaurants and walking to night clubs and cocktail lounges. Traffic in the street was almost as congested as it was at mid day. I walked over to a bus bench, sat down and took out my cell phone. As I pressed the speed dial number for my home telephone I wondered whether Jeanne would be at home or out on another date with her new boyfriend. While that afternoon she'd assured me that she was going to stop seeing Derek Fischer, I was skeptical. Jeanne was at home. She picked up on the third ring. "Michael, thank you for calling." Caller ID had identified me. "Hello Jeanne." "Where are you? We have to talk." "I agree. I want to talk too. That's why I called." "Come home, I'll make a pot of coffee." "Jeanne I can't come home tonight." "Why not?" The disappointment in Jeanne's voice was evident. "I have a meeting at 10:00 tomorrow morning with Charles and Edith Montgomery. I need to get some sleep." "A meeting with the Montgomerys; yes of course, that is important. You do need to get some sleep." While Jeanne was still disappointed, she understood. She knew just how important the Montgomerys were to my business. "I'm sorry, but I do. The Montgomery account is important for both of us." "I know Michael. When can you come home?" "I'm sure I'll have a few details to attend to after the meeting. Why don't you plan on seeing me around 2:00." "Okay, will you want some lunch?" "I doubt that I'll have time to eat so a sandwich would be nice." "I have some ham. I'll have a nice ham and cheese sandwich for you." "Thank you Jeanne." "Michael, I really am sorry about everything that's happened." "I am too Jeanne. We'll talk about it tomorrow afternoon." "I'm so glad you're coming home. I've missed you." "I've missed you too." "Michael, I'm hoping that tomorrow afternoon you'll give me a chance to show you just how much I love you." "Jeanne?" "Baby, I've neglected you. I don't understand why, but I promise you that you'll never again be neglected." "We'll talk tomorrow." "Yes of course." "Jeanne, it's late. I need to get back to my motel and go to bed." Once again deflated Jeanne said, "Yes of course. I understand. We'll talk tomorrow afternoon." "We will. Good night Jeanne." "Good night Michael. I love you." "I love you too Jeanne." "Do you Michael? Do you really?" "Jeanne, considering everything that's happened I think I'm the one who should be asking that question." There was a brief silence and then Jeanne said; "Yes you're right. Michael I really am sorry. I can't tell you how ashamed I am about the way I've handled all of this." "Good night Jeanne. We'll talk tomorrow afternoon." "Yes of course, you need to get to bed. Good night Michael." Jeanne paused. After a moment she said; "Michael I really do love you." "I know that Jeanne. I love you too. Good night." "Good night Michael." I ended the call, put my cell phone away, walked quickly back to my office and got my car. Once I was in my motel room I stripped off my clothes, brushed my teeth and got into bed. As I was falling asleep I recalled something that Jeanne said during our telephone conversation. "I can't tell you how ashamed I am about the way I've handled all of this." That bothered me. She didn't say that she was ashamed about what she did; she said that she was ashamed about how she'd handled it. Realizing that there was nothing that I could do about it at that moment, I put it out of my mind and closed my eyes. I was tired. Sleep came instantly.

Awakenings Ch. 02 Tricia, Jodie and Jennifer Rawlins. I was up at 6:00 the next morning. Amazingly, I'd slept through the night. Feeling somewhat revitalized; I dressed, stopped at Lyle's Cafe for a quick breakfast and went into work. I was in my office at 7:15. As soon as I sat down at my desk I took out my cell phone and turned it on. It was time to reopen communication with the world. I had six messages. The first three were from Jeanne. They were all pleas to call her so that we could talk some more. I deleted them. The fourth message was from Tricia, my oldest . "Dad, mom just called me. She was frantic. She said that you left her and she's sure you're going to divorce her. Dad, that can't be true. You love mom. I know you do. You could never divorce her. Please call me." The next call was from Jodie, my youngest . "Daddy, Tricia called me and told me that you left mom. I called mom. She's distraught. I think she's having a nervous breakdown. Please call us. You have to talk to mom. You have to try to work this out." The last call was again from Jeanne. It was another plea for me to call her. I set my cell phone down. I knew that I had to call my daughters, but I wasn't certain how much I wanted to tell them. Jeanne was responsible for this mess. It was up to her to explain the situation to our daughters." Deciding that my best course of action was to call Jeanne before I called Tricia and Jodie, I picked up my desk telephone and dialed Jeanne's cell phone. It was 7:30. I knew she'd be up getting ready for work. After four rings Jeanne answered. "Michael, thank you for calling." "Hello Jeanne." Clearly uneasy, Jeanne quietly answered; "Hello Michael." "Jeanne, Tricia and Jodie both called last night." There was a long pause. Finally Jeanne said; "Yes I'm sure they did. What did they tell you?" "I haven't talked to them yet. As you know, I had my cell phone off last night. They both left messages." "Are you going to call them?" "Of course, they're our daughters. They're concerned and they deserve an explanation." "What are you going to tell them?" "I'm not going to tell them anything. Jeanne you created this mess. You're going to call them and explain the situation." "I did call them last night." "Yes, but you only told them that I left you. You didn't explain why." "Michael, that's not true. I told them everything." "Nonsense, you wouldn't dare tell them the truth." Jeanne sighed. "Michael why are you creating such a fuss? You're making a mountain out of a molehill. This is just something I have to do. Once it's over I'll be the most loving wife you've ever imagined. I'll spend years expressing my gratitude." "Jeanne, do you remember yesterday when I asked you the question that made you swear at me and hang up the telephone." "Yes Michael, I really am sorry I did that." "I'm going to ask that question again." "No Michael, please don't" "Jeanne if our marriage is going to have any chance to survive I have to ask it and you have to give me an honest answer." Resigned, Jeanne said; "Okay." "How would you feel if you walked into the Kennsington Grill and saw me sitting at a table with another woman and I was holding her hand?" Jeanne started crying. I waited for a moment and then I said; "Jeanne, answer the question." After a few seconds Jeanne screamed; "Damn it Michael, I'd feel awful. I'd feel absolutely devastated." "And that's how I feel right now." There was a moment of silence and then Jeanne quietly added; "But I shouldn't feel that way." There was more silence. I waited. Finally Jeanne said; "Micheal I'm sorry. I was stupid. I did a lousy job of preparing you for this. I thoughtlessly dumped it on you all at once and that was unforgivable. I should have made sure that you felt loved and desired before I broached this with you and then I should have waited. I should have given you some time to get used to the idea. It all happened so fast. I was excited. I stupidly ignored your feelings." "Jeanne, what are you talking about?" "Michael, what I did with Derek was just sex. It had nothing to do with love. You have to believe me, you're the only man I'll ever love." "Yeah well last night this Derek guy got a whole lot more sex than the man you love has gotten in a very long time." "I know Michael and I'm ashamed about that." "Are you Jeanne? I'm a bald headed, overweight, old man that other women would never find attractive. How could you possibly be interested in sex with me?" "Damn it Michael, I'm sorry I said that. I'll regret those words for the rest of my life." "But you did say them." "Yes I did, but I didn't mean them. Michael, you cornered me and I lashed out at you. The truth is, I'm terrified that another woman might steal you away from me. You're a smart, strong willed, affluent man who also happens to be kind and loving. There are a slew of good looking divorced women our age who would love to get their hooks into you. If you want to get laid, all you have to do is start sending signals that you're available." "Like you did with your stud." "Yes, like I did with Derek. That's true Michael, but there's a difference. Derek doesn't want to steal me from you. He just wants to have sex with me. Those women want you, they want all of you." "But you gave Derek something that you weren't giving to me." "Yes, I did do that and I regret it. Michael if you'll just give me the opportunity, I'll spend the rest of my life making that up to you." I didn't respond. I didn't know what to say. While part of me wanted to believe Jeanne, another part of me was writing this off as more bullshit. Jeanne waited. After a few seconds she said; "Michael say something, please say anything." "I don't know what to say." "Michael, have I destroyed our marriage?" "I don't know, it's possible." "Please don't say that. There has to be a way." "Jeanne you still haven't told me that you're going to stop seeing Fischer." "Do I have to? Michael you have to believe me, it really is just sex." "Sex that I've been denied." "That will change, I promise." "You mean that when you're not partying with your stud, you'll favor me with an occasional mercy fuck." "A mercy fuck? Of course not. They won't be mercy fucks and they won't be occasional either." "Jeanne you haven't condescended to have sex with me for several months. Why should I believe that you suddenly find me desirable?" "Michael, you're not hearing me. My indifference to sex had nothing to do with you. It was about my own insecurity. I felt old and ugly." "You called me an overweight, bald headed old man who could never attract another woman." "God Dammit Micheal, I didn't mean that!" "You said it!" I sighed. "And I can't stop hearing you say it and I can't stop seeing Fischer kissing you on our front lawn." "Michael I screwed up. I screwed up badly. I made a mistake. It was a big mistake. We all make mistakes. You have to forgive me." "Are you going continue seeing Fischer?" There was a long pause. Finally Jeanne said; "No of course not. I really don't want to lose you over this." "But you'd like to keep seeing him." "Michael, what do you want me to tell you? Do you want me to lie?" "No, but that last statement makes me believe that I can never again trust you." "Michael, I promise I'll stop seeing him. As soon as we're finished talking I'll call him and tell him that." "And then you're going to call Jodie and Tricia and explain what's happened." "They already know about everything." "I don't believe you." "Michael, call them." "They really know?" "Call them Michael." "All right." "Michael will you please call me after you talk to them." Disconcerted by the discovery that my girls might actually know what Jeanne was doing, I said; "Yeah sure, of course I will." "I have a busy morning. Will you call me after lunch?" "Sure, right after lunch." "Michael, this doesn't have to be the end of us. Talk to the girls, they'll help you understand." "I will." I was feeling morose. My voice reflected my mood. Jeanne said; "Michael I love you." "Do you Jeanne, do you really?" "Yes Michael, I really do." "Right now I find that hard to believe." "Michael call the girls, they'll explain everything." "Okay, good bye Jeanne." "Good bye Michael. I really do love you." After ending the call I set my telephone back on its cradle, sat back in my chair and closed my eyes. I was confused. Jeanne seemed to be suggesting that the girls not only knew about her transgression with Derek, they approved of it. I didn't understand. How was that possible? As I sat at my desk thinking, my cell phone rang. I picked it up. The caller ID said it was Tricia. I pushed the button. "Hi Tricia." "Hi daddy." There was an awkward silence. Finally I asked, "Did mom call you?" "Yes she did." Tricia paused. After a moment she said, "Daddy?" I waited. Suddenly there was another voice. "Daddy, I'm here too." It was Jodie. "Daddy, I don't understand. Why are you acting like this? Mom loves you, I know she does." "I don't know Jodie. Right now she's certainly not acting like she loves me." I told them about what happened when Fischer picked Jeanne up at the house. Tricia said, "She told us about that dad. She regrets doing it. Now she realizes that she needs to be more discreet." "She needs to be more discreet?" The statement puzzled me. Jodie said, "Of course daddy, lots of people have fuck buddies; but almost everyone tries to be cautious about revealing it. Being indiscreet isn't cool." "Are you telling me that the two of you have these", I paused for a moment and then I said, "You know, buddies." "Yes daddy, we do." "Tricia, you do too?" "Yes daddy, you know him. It's Randy Parkman, we've been getting together since the summer after we graduated from high school." "Really?" "Yes, we're good friends and we enjoy doing it with each other. It's just fun." "Tricia, you're engaged. Does Paul know about Randy?" "Of course he does. I love Paul. I would never lie to him." "And he's okay with it?" "Yes daddy, Paul understands that I don't love Randy. It's just a little sex on the side." "Does Jeanne know about Randy?" Jodie said, "Mom's cool, we talk about this stuff all the time." "Apparently I'm not cool." "It's a little harder for a to talk about sex with her dad." While I realized that Jodie was right, I also now understood that my daughters had most likely been the source of Jeanne's desire to experiment with other men. Suddenly feeling totally demoralized, I said; "I have to get back to work. Thank you for talking to me about this." Picking up the change in my mood, Jodie said; "Daddy, we need to talk about this some more. It's really not that big a deal." "Jodie, I'm sorry. I can't do that right now. Maybe we can talk again later." "When daddy?" "I don't know. I'm sorry, I really do have to go. Say hello to your mother for me." And then I ended the call and shut off my cell phone. I sat back in my chair and closed my eyes. For the first time in twenty-seven years I felt like I was alone, all alone. Two minutes later my desk telephone rang. I picked it up. Ruth said; "Michael, your Tricia is on line 2." "Ruth, I can't talk to her right now. It appears that she and Jodie actually encouraged Jeanne to have this affair." "Michael, I'm so sorry. I'll take care of it. I'll tell them you're in a meeting and can't be disturbed." "Thank you Ruth." I paused for a moment and then I said; "Ruth I need a break from all of this. For the rest of the day I just want to be an accountant. I have several files that require my attention. I'd like to work on them without being disturbed by anyone." "I'll take care of it Michael. If there's a problem I'll pass it to Jason." Jason Ridner was a very able accountant. He'd been with me for eleven years. I knew that he was capable of handling any problems that might arise. "Thank you Ruth, I appreciate this." "Don't worry Michael, Jason and I are both in your corner." After I hung up my telephone I wondered just how much Jason knew. As I sat back in my chair I realized that he most likely knew everything. Jason, Ruth and I were not only coworkers we were also close friends. If Ruth knew I had a problem she would have to tell Jason. That was all right with me. The support of two good friends would make it much easier for me to weather this crisis. Ruth mounted an effective defense. I was left alone until the end of day. At a quarter to five there was a knock on my door. "Hey boss, it's me Jason. Can we talk for a minute?" Realizing that this conversation was inevitable, I said; "Sure Jason, come on in." My door opened. Jason stepped into my office but stopped just inside the doorway. "Jason please come in and sit down." I motioned towards the chair in front of my desk. He smiled and sat down, but it was clear that he was still nervous. "Jason relax, we're friends. I assume you already know what's happened between Jeanne and me." Nodding, Jason said; "Boss, I'm so sorry." "Thank you, it's been difficult." "I'm sure it has. Is there anything Barb and I can do to help you? If there is please tell us. I called Barb this afternoon and told her what happened. She's absolutely distraught. Boss, I think Barb may love you even more than she loves me." Barb was Barbara Ridner, Jason's wife. She was a wonderful woman and totally devoted to Jason just as Jason was totally devoted to her. They had the kind of marriage that until the past two days I'd believed Jeanne and I had. Oh and Barb did love me, but not anywhere near as much as she loved Jason. About a year after Jason started working for me he came to me and confessed that he and Barb had made some imprudent decisions regarding their credit cards. They had five cards maxed to the limit. The monthly payments were killing them. Jason was doubly ashamed because he was an accountant and felt he should have known better. I resisted the temptation to lecture Jason. Instead I sat down with him and worked out a plan that would get them out of the mess they'd fallen into. I also financed the plan which allowed them to escape from the obscene interest payments they were being forced to make. Eighteen months later they were out of debt and Jason and Barb never forgot what I did for them. There wasn't any doubt in my mind that Barbara Ridner did love me. I laughed. "Jason, Barb will never love anyone as much as she loves you." Jason nodded. "Yeah boss, I know that; but she does care about you." "And I know that." "So will you come over to the house for dinner tonight? After dinner we can have a few drinks. If you're too tired or too spiffed to leave you can stay in our guest room. What do you say boss? Barb is ready to put a pot roast in the oven." "Jason I can't tell you how much that invitation means to me and if you offer it again in a week I'll happily take you up on it, but tonight I need to be able to think. Tonight it would be better if I stay at my motel and try to figure all of this out." "You know that might be easier if you let your friends help you." Ruth was standing in the doorway to my office. Nodding, I said; "Yeah Ruth, you're probably right; but this is a problem that permeates to the core of my existence. The decisions that I make right now are going to have a dramatic impact on the rest of my life. I need to make those decisions by myself." "Okay boss, I understand. What do you want us to do?" "Go home and have a wonderful evening." Ruth looked at Jason. He nodded to her. She turned back to me and said; "We understand. We'll give you your space, but we need you to understand something too. We're your friends and we want to help you get through this. If you need us you have to promise to call. We don't care if it's three o'clock in the morning, we want you to call. Michael, you are not alone. Will you promise to call?" "Yes, if I need you I'll call. I promise; but tonight I really do need to sort this out by myself." Jason said; "We understand boss." He stood up and looked at me. I looked at him. He smiled. I smiled back. When he saw me smile he nodded and then he turned and walked out of my office. As he passed my secretary he took her arm and said; "Come on Ruth, right now this is a battle he needs to fight on his own." Ruth held Jason's arm and said; "Just a minute." She turned back to me. "Michael." "Yes Ruth?" "Don't forget that the Montgomery's are coming in at 10:00 tomorrow morning." Charles and Edith Montgomery were my two most important clients. Charles Montgomery's family started a trucking company in 1929. Montgomery Freight was now one of the largest shipping companies in the United States. Edith Montgomery was born Edith Chalmers. Her great grandfather, Benjamin Chalmers was a blacksmith who in 1921 realized that the emerging auto industry was desperately in need of precision metal parts. Chalmer's Tool and Die was now one of the largest automobile parts manufacturers in the world. Managing their financial interests alone was enough to keep my firm in black ink. Charles and Edith were also friends. Jeanne and I had dined at their house and they had dined at ours. When their grandchildren were born we were present at the christenings. When our girls graduated from high school Charles and Edith attended the receptions. Our relationship was far more than just business. If I had a meeting with the Montgomery's at ten in the morning, I would be there. Personal problems would have to move to the back burner. Nodding, I said; "Don't worry Ruth, I'll be here." Smiling, Ruth said; "I'll be here too. I know just how much the Montgomerys mean to this firm." As she turned to leave. I said; "Thank you Ruth, I appreciate that." She stopped. "Boss, we all appreciate everything you've done for us." And then she disappeared out the door. I spent the next two hours reviewing Charles and Edith Montgomery's files. When we met in the morning I wanted to be certain I was up to speed on their financial situation. By seven o'clock I was confident that I understood their current status, so I closed their folders and locked them in my file cabinet. Once that was done I sat back and started thinking about my personal life. It was a mess. Jeanne was seeing another man and my daughters, the center of my universe, were encouraging her to do it. I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut. I contemplated divorce. While it was an ugly prospect I was in an untenable situation. I was beginning to feel like I didn't have a choice. That thought alarmed me. My father taught me to believe that there was always a choice. It was a warm August evening. I decided to take a walk. It felt good to get outside. I passed a sandwich shop. Realizing I was hungry I stopped and bought a roast beef and cheese sandwich. I sat on a bus bench while I ate it. When I was finished I started walking again. Dusk came, I kept walking. The night lights came on and the cocktail lounges, restaurants and night clubs started filling. I passed a small bar, The Cosmopolitan Lounge. A neon sign in the front window advertised jazz piano. Deciding that it looked appealing and a glass of scotch would taste good, I went inside.

Awakenings Ch. 01 The Beginning I write stories that celebrate the cuckold hot wife life style. I also try to write romantic stories. Despite their alternative lifestyle my hot wives and their cuckold husbands always have a deep and abiding love for each other. Every one of us is a unique individual. We enjoy different kinds of music, art, food and recreational activities. We also enjoy a variety of sexual desires and fantasies. These differences are neither good nor bad, they're just different. If you can accept that you might enjoy this story. If sexual desires that vary from your own offend you or make you uncomfortable I strongly suggest that you find something else to read. People sometimes get confused and make decisions that they later regret. That of course is part of the ongoing drama of life. It also provides the conflict that makes a story interesting. Jeanne, my wife of twenty-seven years and I had just finished doing the supper dishes. We didn't need to wash them by hand, we had a dishwasher. We chose to do it because it was a habit, a pleasant habit. For years Jeanne and I along with our daughters, Jodie and Tricia had done them every night together. Jodie and Tricia were now gone. They'd graduated from college, Jodie a year ago and Tricia two years ago. Both of them had good jobs and nice apartments. They were on their own and Jeanne and I were now on our own. For Jeanne and me, washing the dishes together was one way to relive the fond memories of the past. Don't misunderstand what I'm telling you. We weren't wallowing in despair because our daughters were grown and gone. We were both only forty-nine years old and leading full vibrant lives. I ran a small but very successful accounting office and Jeanne was a legal secretary for one of our city's most prominent law firms. I managed to play eighteen holes of golf three times a week and Jeanne belonged to a fitness club and worked out almost every day. Still we were growing older. I had a middle aged paunch and my hair was thinning. While Jeanne was still a very sexy and beautiful woman, she was starting to find an occasional gray hair and lines and wrinkles were beginning to appear around her eyes and mouth. After we finished drying and putting the dishes away we wiped off the counter tops and cleaned the sink. Once that was done Jeanne turned to me. Taking a deep breath, she said; "Micheal, I'd like to talk to you in the living room." The serious tone of my wife's voice concerned me. Suddenly worried that something was gravely wrong, I said; "Yes, of course." We walked quickly into the living room. Expecting that Jeanne would sit next to me, I sat on the couch. She surprised me and sat in the arm chair across from the couch. This heightened my anxiety. For what seemed like an eternity, but was most likely only a few seconds, Jeanne stared at me. Feeling even more apprehensive, I waited. Finally she began. "Michael, I suspect that what I'm about to say is going to shock you and probably upset you. I'm asking, no begging you to please hear me out before you respond." Now overwhelmed with alarm and barely managing to maintain my composure, I answered; "All right, I'll try." "Thank you." Jeanne smiled and then she took a deep breath."Michael, I'm going to have an affair." I looked at my wife with a shocked expression and said; "What did you just say?" Obviously trying to maintain her calm, Jeanne repeated her statement. "I'm planning to have an affair." "I don't understand? Are you telling me that you're in love with another man?" Vehemently shaking her head, Jeanne answered; "No absolutely not! It's just going to be sex." "Just going to be sex? You're telling me that you're planning to start fucking some other guy just for the fun of it?" I was starting to get angry. Jeanne said, "Michael try to control your temper. Please listen to me." "Control my temper! Shit Jeanne, you're telling me that you're going to cheat on me." "No I'm not." "You just told me that you're going to start fucking another man. That's cheating." "No it's not. It's only cheating if I do it behind your back." I stared at my wife for a moment and then slowly shaking my head, I said; "Jeanne, what's gotten in to you? This is crazy. You're going to tear my heart out if you do this." "Michael, you're taking this all wrong. I still love you. You're the only man I'll ever love. This is just something that I need to do for myself. When we got married I was a virgin. You weren't. You've experienced other women. I've never experienced another man. I've decided that's an experience I'd like to have. If it's going to happen I have to do it now while I'm still young enough to attract another man." "Jeanne, what are you talking about? You lost your interest in sex at least tens years ago." "What do you mean?" "It's been ten years since you've shown any desire to have sex, at least with me." "Don't be silly, of course I've been interested in sex." "Really? When was the last time you initiated sex? When was the last time you gave me a blow job? When was the last time you let me eat your pussy? When was the last time we made love in any way other than the missionary position? When was the last time you even let me see you naked?" My questions struck home. Clearly shaken, Jeanne stared at me. The silence was deafening. Finally she quietly answered; "I'm sorry Micheal. I know I haven't been the best wife in this area for a while. I guess that sex for us just grew stale." "Stale? Who's fault is that Jeanne? How many times have I suggested things we could try that might spice up our lovemaking. I'll tell you how many. Lots of times, I've done it lots of times and every time I did it you shot me down." "Michael, don't you understand? That's what I'm doing now. I'm doing this for us. This is going to rekindle my interest in sex. When this affair is over, I'm going to be your loving wife again and you're going to get more blow jobs than you can possibly imagine." "But another man is going to get them first, isn't he Jeanne." "Micheal, please understand. I need this." "You need this. You know what Jeanne, you're not the only one who could use some extra sex. How about if I go out and get a little on the side too?" "Don't be silly. Look at you Michael. You're losing your hair and you have a middle aged paunch. What woman would want you?" Appalled by that statement, I stood up. "Well then, there we have it. Apparently I don't do it for you anymore, do I Jeanne? I think this conversation has come to an end." I turned and started to walk out of the room, but after a few steps I stopped and turned back to my wife. "Jeanne, when is this affair going to begin?" Clearly upset and having to work to hold herself together, Jeanne quietly said; "Tomorrow night, I have a date." "A date, tomorrow night; so you've already selected the lucky guy." "Yes." Jeanne answered in a whisper. "So who is he?" Jeanne stared at me for a moment and then she shook her head and said; "No Michael, this has nothing to do with you. This is for me. Who he is is none of your business." "What! None of my business? Tomorrow night my wife of twenty-six years, the mother of my two daughters, is going to cuckold me with another man and you have the audacity to tell me that his identity is none of my business! Jeanne I apparently no longer know who you are." On that note I turned and and stormed out of the room. Woodworking is one of my passions. I have a shop in my basement. I took refuge there. I was building a coffee table for Jodie, my youngest . I was setting a piece of wood that was going to become a leg into my lathe when I sensed Jeanne's presence. I froze. In a whisper, she said; "His name is Derek Fisher. He's a lawyer, but he works for a different firm. We've had several lunches together. He's married." I turned. "He's married?" "Yes, I think it's better that way. It reduces the chances for emotional involvement on his part." "It also means that you're not only going to defile our marriage, you're also going to defile his." "Michael, why can't you understand this?" "Oh I do understand. I have a belly and I'm losing my hair. You're not attracted to me anymore." "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. It came out wrong. Michael, I still find you very attractive. You're the man of my dreams." "If I'm the man of your dreams then why are you going to fuck someone else tomorrow night?" "Please understand, this is an experience I need to have." "Jeanne, I have been faithful to you for the entire twenty-six years we've been married and my intention was to remain faithful to you until the day I died. I will never understand what you're doing." "Michael, I have to do this." "Then I don't think we have anything more to talk about, because I will never give you my blessing." Slowly nodding, Jeanne said; "Very well." And then she turned and walked back up the stairs." The next day was Wednesday. I supposed that Mr. Derek Fisher had to take my wife out on a week night rather than a weekend so that he could tell his wife that he was attending a meeting of some sort. I'd been much too angry to even consider sharing a bed with Jeanne so I spent the night in Jodie's old room. As it turned out I was too agitated to sleep. I tossed and turned all night and finally gave up at 5:00 am. After a quick shower I dressed and was out of the house by 5:30. I admit I was trying to avoid Jeanne. My anxiety about what was going to happen that night made it difficult to focus on my work. The minutes crawled by. I passed some of the time by trying to figure out what I was going to do if Jeanne really did carry out her threat to go out on this date. Unfortunately I had one account who's file I absolutely had to update that day, so I was forced to try to focus my attention and complete that task. By the time I was finished updating the file it was almost 5:30. I didn't really want to see Jeanne before she went out, but I knew that wasn't a choice. If I didn't see her I was going to have to spend the entire evening wondering if she really did do it. Since I didn't actually know what time Jeanne was planning to leave, I hurried home. I pulled into our garage at 6:05. I was relieved to see that Jeanne's Honda was still parked in her stall. I went inside. As I approached our bedroom I could hear Jeanne bustling about. Not having any desire to watch my wife get ready for a date with another man, I retired to the living room and tried to read the newspaper. At 6:25 Jeanne emerged from the bedroom. When she walked into the living room and saw me, she stopped. Obviously startled by my presence, she said; "You're home." "I generally try to come home after work." "Yes, of course." Jeanne looked absolutely ravishing. She was wearing a black cocktail dress that I'd never seen before. She'd obviously had her hair done. Her makeup was perfect and she was wearing her favorite string of pearls. They'd been a present from me on our fifteenth wedding anniversary. "You look very nice tonight." "Thank you, I tri..." Suddenly realizing that I wasn't likely to appreciate a description of her efforts to look nice for another man, Jeanne stopped herself in mid sentence. After a short pause, she just said, "Thank you." "Is that a new dress?" "Yes." The tone of my wife's voice made it clear that this conversation was making her feel uncomfortable. That didn't bother me at all. What she was doing was making me feel uncomfortable. Continuing, I said; "I see that you got your hair done." "Yes, this afternoon." "You must have left work early." "Yes, I did." "It's been a long time since you bought a new dress and got your hair done for an evening out with me." Closing her eyes, Jeanne sighed and said; "Michael, please don't do this. Please don't make a scene." "What prompted you to say that? Considering the situation, I think I'm being incredibly well behaved." Jeanne nodded. "Yes, actually you are." "What time are you going to meet him?" "I'm not going to meet him. He's picking me up here." "He's picking you up here! What time?" "6:30, in just a minute or two." "Jeanne, it's August. It's still broad daylight outside. What are the neighbors going to think when they see you get into another man's car obviously dressed for a night out on the town. Are you trying to hhhhhhhhh me?" A look of absolute horror flooded Jeanne's face. "Michael, I'm sorry. I don't know what I as thinking." Grabbing her purse, she said; "I'll call him on my cell phone." I glanced out the window. A black BMW was pulling up to the curb in front of our house. "Jeanne, don't bother. It's too late. Your boyfriend just arrived." "Michael, he's not my boyfriend." "Well he sure must be something because It's been years since I've seen you put this much effort into your appearance." "Michael, I have to go." "Jeanne, please don't do this." "Michael, I have to." She turned and started for the front door. "Jeanne, aren't you going to kiss me good bye?" My wife froze. Slowly turning back to face me, she said; "I'm sorry Michael. Please forgive me. Of course I'm going to kiss you good bye. I'm just nervous and a little disconcerted right now." Jeanne hurried back to me, kissed me on the lips and said; "Micheal, I love you, I really do." And then she turned and walked quickly back to the front door. As she opened it, I said; "Jeanne, I won't be here when you get home." Jeanne stopped. She thought for a moment and then she turned to me and said; "Don't be silly, of course you'll be here when I get home. You're my husband and I'm your wife. You live here with me." "Wives don't go out with other men." "Actually Michael, many of them do. They just don't tell their husbands about it. Now I really do have to go. I'll be late, so don't wait up for me." And then Jeanne turned and hurried out the front door. I walked over to the window and looked out. Derek Fischer was standing on the curb next to the passenger side door of his BMW. He was a tall man, at least four inches taller than me. He was fit, ruggedly handsome and had a full head of dark wavy hair. It was easy to understand why my wife was attracted to him. As soon as he saw Jeanne coming down the front steps he opened the passenger door and stepped towards her. When she reached him he greeted her and then to my utter amazement, he put his arms around my wife and kissed her full the lips. As I watched Jeanne kiss him back my heart broke. They held their kiss for several seconds and then Jeanne suddenly pushed him away and stepped back. After exchanging a few brief words Jeanne turned and looked nervously towards the front window. Since it was still broad daylight, I wasn't certain whether or not she could see me. At that moment I actually didn't care. As far as I was concerned our marriage had ended with that kiss. Jeanne stared at the front of our house for a moment and then she turned and slipped into Fischer's car. As soon as she was settled he closed her door, walked around the car and got in on the drivers side. A second later they pulled away from the curb and disappeared down the street. Once Fischer and my wife were gone I retrieved a suitcase and a garment bag from a storage cabinet in the garage. I brought them up to the bedroom and quickly packed enough clothing for a week. I carried the bags back down to the garage and placed them in the trunk of my Lexus. As soon as that was done I went back into the house, found a pen and a note pad, sat down at the kitchen table and wrote a note to my wife. Dear Jeanne, Thank you for twenty-six wonderful years and two beautiful daughters. While I will always love you, I will never agree to share you with another man. Michael After I finished the note I placed it in the middle of the kitchen table and took a long slow walk around the house. As I moved from room to room I tried to focus on the wonderful memories around me, but I couldn't stop imagining my wife laughing and flirting with Derek Fischer. Eventually I gave up. Returning to the kitchen, I stared at my note for almost a minute and then with a sigh; I closed my eyes, took off my wedding ring, set it on the table next to the note and walked deliberately out to the garage. Trying not to think, I got into my car and pushed the button that opened the garage door. As I backed into the street I took one last look at the house where I'd spent the most important years of my life and then I shifted my Lexus into drive and accelerated down the street. I drove to a motel near my office. On the way, I made two stops. The first was at a MacDonalds where I bought a cheese burger and an order of french fries. The second was at a liquor store where I purchased a liter of very good scotch. I didn't get drunk that night, but I did have three stiff drinks. The drinks helped. At 10:30 I turned off my cell phone, went to bed and actually fell asleep. I woke up at 6:30. As soon as I realized where I was and why I was there I was overwhelmed by a deep sorrow. I could have easily spent the entire day lying in that motel room bed wallowing in my misery. I didn't. I knew that it wasn't healthy and I also understood that I had to go to work. Regardless of how lousy my life was, I still had a business to run. I willed myself out of that bed and into the shower. The shower and a shave helped. Feeling stronger, I put on a shirt, a necktie and one of my business suits and left for work. It was still only 7:15. I was hungry, so I stopped at Lyle's cafe to get some breakfast. While I was waiting for my eggs, sausages and toast; I turned on my cell phone. There were three messages. Predictably, they were all from Jeanne. The first one was left at 12:14. Jeanne had gotten home earlier than I'd expected. I listened to it: "Michael, please call me. You're taking this much too seriously. My fling with Derek is just for sex. He means nothing to me. You're the only man I love. Now quit being childish and call me. I want you to come home. We belong together." I moved on to the next one. It was left at 12:40. "Michael, stop being foolish and call me. If we talk I'm sure we can work this out. I love you and only you. Baby, please call me." The third message was left at 1:10. It was clear that Jeanne had waited exactly thirty minutes before she called me again. "Michael, you're scaring me. Please call. I don't care if it's four in the morning, just call me. We have to talk. I don't want to lose you over something as insignificant as this. It really isn't that important." I deleted all three messages and shut off my telephone. I wasn't yet ready to talk to Jeanne and based on her messages, she wasn't ready to talk to me either. Jeanne kept saying that her affair with Derek wasn't a big deal. She was wrong about that. It was a very big deal. I walked into the reception area of my accounting firm's office at 7:58. My secretary and office manager, Ruth Wilkins was already at her desk. Ruth made it a point to always be in the office before her day officially started at 8:00 AM. When she heard me come in, Ruth looked up at me and smiled. "Good morning Michael." Smiling back, I said; "Good morning Ruth." As I passed by her desk on my way to my office, Ruth said; "Michael, Jeanne just called. She sounded upset. I think you'd better call her." I stopped. After taking a second to consider what Ruth had just told me, I said; "Ruth, Jeanne and I are in the midst of a major disagreement. For the time being I would prefer to avoid talking to her. I'm certain that she's going to call again. When she does I want you to tell her that I'm unavailable." Page 2 of 2 Ruth stared at me for a moment, but then she nodded and said; "Certainly." Ruth wasn't only a good secretary, she was a close friend. I went into my office and closed the door. As I was taking off my suit coat, the door opened and Ruth walked in. "Michael I've been your secretary for eighteen years. Our families have taken vacations together. Your girls used to babysit for my kids. Jeanne and I are like sisters. If you're having a disagreement with her you have to try to resolve it. The only way to do that is to talk to her." Shaking my head, I looked at Ruth and said; "I don't think this problem can be resolved." "Of course it can. Everything can be resolved. You just have to try." "Ruth, last night Jeanne went out on a date with another man." Ruth stared at me for a second and then she said; "You mean a business dinner. So what? You sometimes have to entertain female clients." "No Ruth, this was a date. They had sex." "What? I don't believe it. Jeanne wouldn't do that." "Believe me, she did exactly that." "Are you sure?" "Yes, her boyfriend picked her up at our house at 6:30 last night. Before they got into his car, he actually kissed Jeanne on the lips in our front yard." "You saw that?" "I watched from the front window." "Why didn't you stop her? "I tried. I asked her not to go and when she did go I told her that I'd be gone when she got home. Ruth, I'm not going to physically restrain Jeanne. She's an adult. She gets to make her own choices, but so do I. If she wants to date other men, she's going to do it without the man she's been married to for twenty-six years." "She really did that?" "Yes." "When she calls again, can I talk to her?" "I can't think of any reason that you shouldn't." "All right; when she calls, how do you want me to handle it for you? "Do exactly what I instructed you to do earlier, tell her that I'm unavailable." Ruth returned to her desk. I sat down at mine and tried to work. It was impossible to concentrate. Setting my work aside, I focused my attention on the problem that was monopolizing my thoughts. My wife was sleeping with another man. What was I going to do about it?" I started my search for solutions by trying to brainstorm possible options. The first of course was to cut all ties with my philandering wife and never talk to her again. That was one extreme. The other was to accept her fling and continue living with her while trying to be oblivious to what she was doing. I thought about those two choices. The second wasn't an option. There wasn't any possibility that I could sit at home patiently waiting while my wife was out having sex with another man. The first choice wasn't much more palatable. I loved Jeanne. We'd spent twenty-six wonderful years together. She was the mother of our children. The thought of spending the rest of my life without her was devastating. There had to be third option. I stared at the wall, thinking. Why was Jeanne doing this? Was she in love with this Derek guy? Was I a dud in bed? Had I been a terrible husband? Had she decided that she didn't love me anymore? Was this some kind of midlife crisis? It could have been any of those reasons and there were probably other explanations too. I didn't know and that disturbed me. Finally I came to the conclusion that I didn't understand. I needed to know more and there was only one way to get more information, talk to Jeanne. Just as I was reaching that conclusion, Ruth walked back into my office. "Michael, I just finished talking to Jeanne." I looked at her. Shaking her head, she said; "I don't know what's gotten into that woman. Somehow she's decided that having sex with another man isn't a big deal." I sighed. "Now maybe you understand the agony I'm going through." Ruth nodded. "Yes, I'm sorry. If David started sleeping with another woman I'd be devastated." "Thank you." "What are you going to do?" Smiling, I said; "Believe it or not, I'm going to try to talk to her." "You are?" "Yes, I might be crazy; but before I can do anything I need to try to understand what's happened to our lives." "Actually, that does make sense." Ruth was slowly nodding. "What can I do to help?" "Get her on the phone." "Right now?" "Can you think of any reason to wait?" "No I can't, I'll call her." Ruth left my office. A minute later my phone rang. I picked it up. It was Ruth. "Michael, I have Jeanne on line one." I said, "Thank you Ruth" and then I pushed the button for line one and said, "Hello Jeanne." "Michael?" "Yes Jeanne, it's me." "Michael, you're blowing this way out of proportion. Now grow up and come home." I hung up. A minute later my phone rang again. I picked it up. "Yes Ruth." "Jeanne on line one." "Thank you Ruth." I pushed the button for line one. "Michael?" "Yes Jeanne." "How dare you hang up on me." I hung up again only this time I dialed Ruth's extension. "Ruth?" "Yes Michael." "If Jeanne calls again tell her I'm unavailable." "I gather you didn't make much progress." "Nope." "Gonna try again later?" "Of course, but she needs a little time to put things into perspective." I waited. After two hours I called Ruth. "Have you heard from Jeanne?" Laughing, Ruth said; "Just every ten minutes." "Sorry about putting you through this." "Michael, you're a great employer; not just for me, but for everyone who works here. Right now you need some help. I'm just glad that I'm in a position to give it to you." "Thanks Ruth, I won't forget this." "Don't even think about it. You've done plenty for David and me. Hell you loaned us the down payment for our house. Now, what do you want me to do about Jeanne?" "The next time she calls put her through." "You got it boss." Five minutes later my telephone rang. I picked it up. It was Ruth. "Michael, Jeanne's on line one." I pressed the button for line one. "Michael Nolan." "Michael, please don't hang up." "Are you going to keep yelling at me?" Jeanne yelled, "Are you going to start being reasonable?" I hung up and immediately dialed Ruth. "Give me another hour." "She's still not ready to talk?" "Apparently not." After an hour my phone rang again. It was Ruth. "Michael, Jeanne's on line one." "Thanks Ruth, put her through." When my telephone rang I picked it up and said; "Yes Jeanne." "Michael are we going to talk about this?" "Whenever you're ready." "I've been ready for hours. You haven't been willing to talk to me." "No Jeanne, you've spent the morning telling me to grow up and accept what you're doing. Clearly, I'm not willing to do that." There was a moment of silence and then Jeanne asked; "Why, I've made it clear that I still love you." "If you still love me, why did you choose to hhhhhhhhh me in front of the neighbors last night." "Micheal, I'm sorry about that. I never should have let Derek pick me up at the house. That was wrong. I don't know what I was thinking. I apologize. We've already talked about it. From now on I'll meet him." "Jeanne, you let him kiss you on our front lawn and don't try to tell me that it was just a kiss on the cheek. I saw it. He took you in his arms and kissed you like a lover and you kissed him back." There was another moment of silence and then Jeanne asked; "You saw that?" "Of course I saw it Jeanne. A man came to our house to pick up my wife for a date. Did you think I wouldn't be watching from the front window?" "No, I...Michael I don't know what I was thinking." "Jeanne, you made out with him on our front lawn." "I'm sorry Michael. That was another mistake. I was excited and when Derek kissed me I kind of lost my cool." "That wasn't the first time you kissed him like that, was it Jeanne?" My wife was silent again. "Jeanne?" "No." She answered in a barely audible whisper. "I see. Well, I guess that shouldn't be a surprise. This didn't just come out of the blue." "Micheal please understand, it's just a silly little fling. It doesn't mean anything." "Are you trying to tell me that the kiss on our front lawn wasn't romantic?" "Yes, that's exactly what I'm trying to tell you." Jeanne's voice sounded hopeful. "Okay, so tell me about your date." "Michael, it wasn't a date. I keep trying to explain that to you." "So you just went straight to the motel." "Well no, of course not. We had to get something to eat first." "So, where did you go, Denny's?" "Certainly not, I was all dressed up." "Yes, I noticed that. You even got your hair done and bought a new dress. It's been a long time since you did that for me Jeanne." "Michael!" "What Jeanne?" "Why are you making this so difficult." "Me making it difficult? You're the one who's dating another man." "I'm not dating Derek, this is just a harmless fling." "I don't know Jeanne. You got your hair done, bought a new dress and he took you out to eat. It sure sounds like a date to me." "Okay, maybe it was a date, but so what. It wasn't romantic." "Okay, so it wasn't romantic. If he didn't take you to Denny's then you must have gone to MacDonalds." "Of course not, don't be silly." "So where did he take you?" There was a pause. After a moment Jeanne asked, "Why is that important?" "I think the restaurant he chose says a lot about his intentions." "That's ridiculous. Derek knows that we're just getting together for a fling." "If that's the case, why are you hesitating to tell me where you had dinner." "Okay, if you must know, he took me to the Kensington Grill." I hadn't expected that. I paused. The Kensington Grill was the fanciest and most romantic restaurant in our city. Jeanne and I went there once a year, but only once a year. It was where we celebrated our wedding anniversary. After a moment I said; "The Kensington Grill? You and I go there once a year, don't we Jeanne." Realizing the significance of what she'd just told me, Jeanne quietly answered, "Yes." "What occasion do we celebrate there?" Sighing, Jeanne quietly said; "Our wedding anniversary." "And you didn't think his restaurant choice was significant?" Starting to get angry, I pressed. "What did you talk about during dinner Jeanne, baseball?" "No, of course not." "So what did you talk about?" "I don't know, I guess our jobs and our families." "Did you talk about me? Did he talk about his wife?" "Yes." Jeanne's voice was nearly a whisper. "Did you hold hands during dinner? You know, like you do with me?" During a fancy dinner my wife loved to hold my hand while we talked. Again, in a whisper; "Yes." "And you're telling me that I shouldn't be jealous?" "Please Michael, you're blowing this way out of proportion." Jeanne, I know you think I'm too fat and ugly to ever attract another woman..." "Michael I apologized for that." Ignoring her I continued; "Just for the sake of conversation let's pretend that I could attract another woman. How would you feel if you walked into the Kensington Grill and saw me sitting at a table holding hands with her?" "But..." "How would you feel?" "It didn't mean anything." "How would you feel?" "Damn it Michael, this isn't fair!" "How would you feel?" "Michael why can't you understand?" "How would you feel?" Jeanne screamed; "Fuck you Michael! Fuck you!" And then she hung up. Jeanne called back just before five. Ruth put her through. "Hello Jeanne." "Michael, I'm sorry I swore at you earlier." "Apology accepted." There was a long pause and then Jeanne asked; "Are you coming home tonight?" "I hadn't planned on it." "Please Michael, we need to talk." "After last night I don't think we have anything to talk about anymore." "Michael, don't say that. We've had twenty-six wonderful years together. We raised two beautiful daughters together. You're not going to throw all of that away over this, are you?" "Jeanne..." "Michael, come home. Let me show you just how much I love you." "Are you offering me sex?" "Yes, that's exactly what I'm doing. You're my husband. I'm you're wife." "Jeanne it's been at least three years since you've shown any interest in sex with me." "I know Michael. I was going through a bad period. The girls didn't need me anymore, I turned forty-five. My breasts started to sag and I felt old and ugly." "But now you're telling me that's all changed." "Yes, it has." "Because of Derek Fischer?" Jeanne was silent. Finally in a very quiet voice, she said; "He did help me feel more self confident." "And now you want to have sex with me." "Yes Michael I want to show you just how much I love you." "Why couldn't you have talked to me about how you felt or gone to a counselor?" "What do you mean?" "Last night I watched you stand on our front lawn and make out with another man. Jeanne I doubt that I'll ever be able to kiss you again without picturing you kissing Derek Fischer." "No Michael..." "And you had sex with him Jeanne. I don't think I'll ever be able to have sex with you again without being afraid that you're comparing me to Derek Fischer and wondering how I stack up against him." "Michael, you're the only man I love. That's all that matters." "Is it Jeanne? He's taller than I am, does he have a bigger cock? Is he better in bed than I am? Do you have more orgasms with him then you had with me?" "None of that matters. All that matters is that I love you." "Really Jeanne? For the past several years I've obviously bored you in bed. Now you meet this Fischer guy and suddenly your libido wakes up again. I'm guessing he must be a pretty good fuck. Damn it Jeanne, two nights ago you called me a fat bald headed old man who could never possibly attract another woman. You talked about feeling old and ugly, how do you think I feel right now." I paused to take a breath and then I said; "No Jeanne, I'm not coming home tonight so that we can make love. The way I feel right now, I don't think I'll ever be able to make love to you again." "Michael, No! Don't say that! You're reading this all wrong." "Jeanne, last night I think you dealt a fatal blow to our marriage and I feel very bad about that. I was really looking forward to the freedom we were going to have now that the girls are grown and living on their own." "Please Michael, I'll do anything to make this up to you." "Are you going to stop seeing Fischer?" "There was a moment of silence and then Jeanne said; "I suppose if you really want me to I could do that." "If I really want you to, you could do that?" The tone of my voice reflected my anger. Quickly realizing what she'd said, Jeanne tried to back track. "No! No! Of course I'll stop seeing him. I'll call him today and tell him that we're done." "But you don't really want to do that, and that's what matters." "No Michael, I'm upset right now. I'm not thinking clearly. Of course I'll stop seeing Derek." "Unfortunately, I don't believe you want to stop seeing him and so every time you're late getting home, every time you have an evening social function and every time you take off to go shopping on a Saturday afternoon I'll wonder if you're meeting him. You see Jeanne, last night you not only destroyed our love; you also destroyed my trust." "Micheal please, you can trust me; you know you can." "Jeanne, a week ago I don't think I could have imagined not trusting you; but a week ago I couldn't have imagined you doing any of the things you've done during the past forty-eight hours. Frankly, I don't know what to think anymore. I feel like the foundation of my existence has been shattered." "Michael No! Don't say that!" "Jeanne I asked you not to do it. I begged you not to do it. You ignored my pleas and did it anyway." "I just wanted a little romance." "And you didn't feel like you could get it from the man you claim to love. Well, there it is then. I guess there isn't much else to say. I hope your romance with Derek Fischer makes you happy." "Michael you're twisting my words. That's not what I meant to say." "Okay, what were you trying to say?" "I felt old, ugly and useless." "And then you met a tall handsome married man who turned on the charm and made you feel young, pretty and needed." There was a long pause. Finally Jeanne said; "Yes, but when you say that it sounds like Derek was just using me and that's not true at all. He's a fine man. He loves his wife, but after three children she's lost all interest in sex. All we were doing was having a little fun together." "And how do you think your little bit of fun is going to affect your two marriages?" "It doesn't have to affect them at all." "Really? It's already affected ours." "But it doesn't have to, all you have to do is try to understand that this is just a meaningless affair." "One that's now made me feel old, ugly and useless." I chuckled. "And the worst part is that the other night you made it clear to me that I'm so old ugly and useless that I could never even hope to find a woman who might be interested in having an affair with me." "Michael I told you that was a mistake. It just popped out." "But you did say it Jeanne and I have to believe that at this moment in our lives it was an accurate declaration of your feelings about me. In your time of need, when you were feeling old and ugly you didn't seek solace in my arms, you rejected me and sought comfort from a young handsome man." "I never rejected you!" "When was the last time we had sex? When was the last time you asked for sex? How many times have you turned me down when I asked for sex? Jeanne you've been rejecting me for several years now and this affair with Derek Fischer is the ultimate rejection." There was a long pause. Finally Jeanne asked, "Michael it's obvious that I've hurt you. What can I do to make it up to you?" "Are you going to keep seeing Fischer?" There was another long pause and then Jeanne said, "I don't know." "Then we don't have anything to more talk about. Good bye Jeanne." "Michael wait! Please don't hang up." "Jeanne, this is too difficult. You're tearing me apart. It's apparent that you've fallen in love with another man. Please just put me out of my misery and let me go. I'm a big boy, it will be difficult; but I will get over it." "Michael I'm not in love with Derek and I don't want to end my marriage with you." "I'm sorry Jeanne, right now your actions speak much louder than your words. If you cared about our marriage you never would have gone out with Fischer." "Michael!" "Jeanne, I have to go." "Can we talk again?" "If you're going to keep seeing Fischer I don't see the point." "Michael I..." "I can't keep debating this. Jeanne I'm sorry, but you've worn me out. I have to hang up. Good bye Jeanne." Micheal, Please!" I hung up the telephone. It was after 5:00 pm. Ruth had gone home. The office telephones wouldn't be answered again until 8:00 am the next morning. My cell phone was already turned off. I was incommunicado and at that moment that was exactly what I wanted. When I left the office I didn't feel like going back to the motel, so I started walking. After about an hour I realized I was hungry so I stopped at a Subway, bought a six inch sub, a bag of chips and a Diet Coke. I noticed a small park a block down the street from the Subway. It was a beautiful August evening, so I ate my dinner there. After I finished eating I started walking again. Not wanting to get too far from my car, I walked in the general direction of my office. By the time I reached my car it was almost 8:00. I was tired. I hadn't slept much the previous night and the walk had worn me out. I drove back to my motel, took a shower, drank three stiff Whiskeys and went to bed.