Umm

[secondjag]

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it and hacks it another 10 feet.
She  looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically, "I  guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One  of the men immediately replies, "Now, you see, that's your problem. You should have taken golf lessons instead."

A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew. The brunette's word was ‘quizzical’. The redhead's word was ‘photosynthesis’. The blonde's word was ‘dick’.

A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a casino when he met up with a striking but quite small and slim young woman.
They got on famously and ended up in bed.
She told him she was a jockey, and that, if he came to the races at Randwick that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.
In race 2, she rode out rubbing both her breasts.
The bloke looked through the race book and found "Two Abreast" on which he placed $100 at 5 to 1. It won by 2 lengths.
"Shit, this is great he thought. In race 4, she rode out rubbing her fingers around her eyes.
He put the lot on "Eyeliner" at 10 to 1 and was 5 grand in front.
In the last race she came out standing in the stirrups and rubbing her crotch.
He backed nothing. After the races he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 & 4.
"What about "Itchy Mickey" in the last at 66-1?" she asked.
"Shit, he said, "I thought you were telling me the cunt was scratched."

 

[secondjag]

Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well hung.

 

Humpty Dumpty sat on the bed,
Little Bo Peep was giving him head,
As soon as he came,

she started to weep,
She knew by the taste he'd been fucking her sheep.

 

[secondjag]

A woman joins a country club and one day hears the guys talking about their golf round.

She says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?”

No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot.

Finally, one man says, “Okay, but we start at 6:30 am.” He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, “Okay.”

She’s there at 6:30 am sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She’s fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.

She smiles, and says, “I’ll be there at 6:30, or 6:45.”

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed.

The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.

They’re totally amazed. They can’t figure her out. She’s very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she’s 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.

This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she’s so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can’t hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. After the game they decide to have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse.

Finally, one of the men asks her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”

The lady blushes, and grins. “Well, I’m ambidextrous,” she replies. “I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willy points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed.”

The guys think this is hysterical and burst into laughter. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the them asks, “What if it’s pointing straight up?”

“Then I’m fifteen minutes late.”

A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know to say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house. I will put them with my two male talking parrots that I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots immediately say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

 

[secondjag]

A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says, "Open wide". "I can't," replies the blonde, "this chair's got arms."

A man went to Harley Street, London and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read:
“The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist .
You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
The annual salary is £65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Manchester"
"My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.
She answered, "No sir, that's where the end of the queue is."

 

A woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to turn red.
One day while taking a stroll, she came upon a male neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" the woman asked the man.
The man replied, "Well, twice a day, I stand in front of my garden wearing only my bathrobe and I flash the tomatoes. They turn red from blushing so much."
The woman was impressed by his idea, so she decided to try it. Twice a day for two weeks, she walked outside wearing only her bathrobe and flashed her garden, hoping for the best.
One day, the gentleman was passing by and stopped to talk to the woman. They chatted for a while.

"I tried your idea of flashing my garden," she said.
"Really?" the man replied. "How did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"They didn't," she replied, "But my cucumbers are enormous!"

 

[secondjag]

A couple were going at it in a barn down on the farm.
In the process, the guy’s condom slipped off.
He then pokes around inside her with a straw, and manages to lose that, too.
Nine months later the doctor enters the waiting room where the father asks him what the baby is.
Doctor replies "It's a little bastard dressed in a raincoat and a straw hat."

 

[Peter C]

[secondjag]

11 hours ago, Peter C said:

funny stuff Peter, thanks for sharing

John had a blind date for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her.
After some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, would you object to me screwin' your brains out?"
"That is something I have never done before," the date replied.
"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" John exclaimed.
"No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"

A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and then bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers!"
A sudden silence descends. After a moment, he asks, "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.
He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on this side of the bar are motherfuckers!"
Once again, the bar is silent. He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?"
A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man. The construction worker looks the man square in the eye and says, "You got a problem, buddy?"
"Oh no," insists the man. "I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

 

 

[secondjag]

A guy walks into a bar in Eastern Kentucky and orders a white wine. The hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north. 

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

 

[Peter C]

[secondjag]

While watching the football play-offs at their local pub, Michael complained to Roy that the love-making with his girlfriend was becoming routine and boring.
"Well I think you need to get creative," Roy said. "Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour?" Roy suggested.
"Hmmm, that's what I'll do. It sounds great but tell me, how in the hell do I make it last for an hour?" Michael asked.
"Simple," Roy answered, "Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"

 

A Scotsman moves to Boston, and attends his first baseball game.
The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double.
Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run!"
The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers, "RUN!! RUN!!"
The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by.
The Umpire calls, “Ball four,Walk."

The batter starts his slow trot to first base.
The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard rrrun!"
The people around him begin laughing.
Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down.

A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "He can't run - he has four balls."
The Scot then stands and yells, "Walk with pride, Laddie, Walk with pride!

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

 

One day at lunch several guys were engaged in a little friendly bragging about their sexual prowess and the dimensions of their members.

First one, then the next, would add his own exaggerations until the whole thing became quite ridiculous.

Then Bill said matter of factly "mine's about four inches."
There was stunned silence before one of the guys said, "Bill, you're kidding right?"
"Not at all, four inches," he said, with perfect sincerity. "You know, some women like it."
They all sat in embarrassed silence until Bill continued, "Of course, others complain it's just too wide."

 

[secondjag]

"Ron and I had hardly finished one argument when I screwed up and started another one," said Laura.
"How'd you do that?" asked Keli.
"Well," said Laura, "you know when you're done with a big fight and your significant other suggests a little 'make-up sex?'"
"Yeah," says Keli.
Laura replies, "I guess it wasn't the right time for me to ask, 'Does it have to be with you?'"

A guy walked into the doctor's office for an appointment. "Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked. "I'll need the information for the doctor." "It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection." "Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."

 

A U.S. Marine General was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the General decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was “work” and how much of it was “pleasure.”
A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of his inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the General turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion.
Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.”
The General was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
“Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”

In school one day, the teacher decided that for Science class she would teach about raw materials.
She stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want Gold, because gold is worth a lot of money, and I could buy a Corvette."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold, and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny.
Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."
The teacher said, "Johnny, why silicon?"
"Because my mom has two bags of it, and you should see all the sports cars that park outside of our house!"

 

[secondjag]

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.

"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive!"

The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.

"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."

A man goes to the Doctor in desire of a prescription for Viagra.
Doctor looks over the man, and says, "Viagra can be very dangerous, and we do not just dispense it indiscriminately, please bring your wife to my office next week and we'll discuss this in more detail.
So the next week the Man shows up with his wife. The Doctor asks to see the wife by herself for a few moments, and she follows him back to the examining room.
The doctor asks her to disrobe and she does. 
He then asks her to turn around in 360 degrees a few times then instructs her to get up on the examining table and to turn in various positions.
He then tells her she can get dressed and goes out to meet the Male Patient.
"Sir", The doctor says," There is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't get an erection either!"

 

[secondjag]

An attractive woman turned to the man in the business suit behind her in the elevator. "Excuse me," she asked, "but aren't you Little Johnny?"
The man cleared his throat, "Yes, as a matter of fact, I am."
"Oh," she gushed, "I've always wanted to meet you, Little Johnny. And now that we're together," she continued throatily, "I'll tell you what I'd like to do; I'm inviting you back to my room, where I'll kneel in front of you and pull out your cock and suck it till you have a giant hard-on and suck it some more until you come all over my face..."
"I don't know," said Little Johnny, thinking it over. "What's in it for me?

 

In ancient times it was believed that the gods and goddesses could come down to earth and visit mortals, sometimes coupling with them. One morning a sweet young thing told her mother, "I think a god coupled with me last night." "Really?" her mother asked. "I wonder if it's Thor?" "Thor?" the girl asked. "It'th tho thore I can't touch it with a powder puff!"

Q: What do your wife and a condom have in common?
A: When they're not on your cock, they're in your wallet.

A man decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends.
On the invitation he puts "Themed Party Come as a Human Emotion."
On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.
He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy says, "I'm green with envy."
The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts.
He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
And she replies, "I'm tickled pink." The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two guys from New York, stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear.
The host is really shocked and says, "Gee, guys, what the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?"
The first guy replies, "Well, I'm fucking discustad, and my friend here has come in dispair.

 

[secondjag]

The family all got together recently, and were just hanging around at Mom and Dad's.
My sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she then read aloud, "Did you know that a woman's breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?"
My brother-in-law, a notorious joker, shot back, "So, how come yours don't?"
My father, from behind his newspaper and without even a pause, replied, "You're not pumping hard enough."

Jim paid $500 to a madam for a virgin whore.
He was sent to an upstairs room, where a fresh-faced 18-year-old expertly sucked him to the brink of coming, then quickly finished him off in her cunt.
The whole session lasted less than five minutes.
The john was not happy.
"They said I'm the first man you ever fucked," he complained.
The girl looked blankly at Jim. "You might be," she smiled helpfully. "Your face looks familiar."

Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week.
Johnny said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom, and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door, and they got undressed, and they got into bed, and then Daddy got on top of her and --"
The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father gets home, and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."
The father came home, and the wife told him that she was leaving him.
"But why?" croaked the husband.
"Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy just what you told me."
"Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door, and they got undressed, and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her, and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob when Daddy was away last summer!"

 

[secondjag]

A little girl is playing with two dolls and her mom comes into the room to see what she is doing. The mother sees her has a Barbie and a G.I. Joe doll.
"What are you doing with your brother's G.I. Joe, tootsie?" asks the mother. "Where's your Ken doll? You know Barbie comes with Ken."
"No, mother," explains the little girl without looking up. "No, Mom, Barbie comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken."

A little girl accidentally walks in on her father while he's getting dressed.
She points to his dick and says, "Daddy, what's that?"
Not wanting to explain to her yet, he says, "Uh, I can't tell you, it's a secret."
The little girl finds her mother and asks, "What is that long thing between Daddy's legs?"
Her mother also doesn't want to explain sex yet, so she says, "I don't know, he won't tell me."
A couple days later the little girl says to her mother.
"Mommy, I finally figured out what that thing between Daddy's legs is. It's a toothbrush! "
"Why do you think that?" the amused mother asks.
"Because," the little girl says, "this morning I saw the maid sliding it in and out of her mouth and she had toothpaste dripping down her chin."

 

[secondjag]

[Peter C]

My wife Debbie must have been like a shed roof then. She ended up two doors along the road, no doubt much to all our other neighbors's amusement! I obviously didn't nail her hard enough, but I thought my ex-workmate Mick was doing that for me.

[secondjag]

Two good ol’ boys in an Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, “If’n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin’, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, “Well, I don’t know about kin, but it would make us even!”

 

Little Johnny asks his father, “Dad, why do grown-ups like to exercise in bed?”

His mother is cooking dinner when she hears little Johnny ask, so she eavesdrops and

listens to what her husband will have to say.

Father: “Because it makes grown-ups happy..”

Johnny: “I want to be happy too, Dad”

Father: “Then you have to wait until you’re a grown-up…”

Johnny: “But who will exercise with me when I grow up?”

Father: “Hopefully when you get married, it will be your wife..”

Johnny: “But dad, how come our neighbor, Sally, exercises with you?”

The wife rushes out of the kitchen, an ambulance arrives 10 minutes later.

 

[secondjag]

A man is very ashamed of his pecker because of the size. He has an extremely small pecker and doesn't want his girlfriend to dump him when she sees the size.
One night when he and his girlfriend are making out in a dark corner, he decides he will show her.
The man unzips his pants, whips out his small pecker, and shoves it into her hand.
He sits there impatiently waiting to see her reaction.
His girlfriend says, "Thanks, but I don't smoke."

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.
"Hello, sir," she said. "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted, "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked, "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

One day a completely naked young lady walks into a bar.
Of course, the bartender stares at her as she walks up to his bar.
"What?" says the young lass. "Haven't you seen a naked lady before?"
The bartender continues to stare at her.
"Give me a beer," she says. "And stop staring like a fool!"
The bartender fetches her a brew and then answers her original question: "Of course I have seen naked ladies before! But I was just curious as to where you'll pull the money from to pay for this beer."

 

[secondjag]

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"What are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

 

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other." He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10-meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three-rotations in jackknife position before he gain straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Buffalo and I worked both sides of the Niagara River."

A man on a construction site thirty floors up had to go to the bathroom.
He approached his foreman and told him that he was going down to use the restroom.
The foreman told him he was crazy; by the time he got down and back up, he'd lose a half hour.
The foreman pushed a plank out over the edge of the building.
He stood on one end and told the guy to go out on the other end and pee.
He said, "Damn, Chuck, we're thirty floors up! Piss'll turn to vapor before it hits the ground!"
What could he do? It was his foreman, after all.
So the guy gingerly heads out on the plank.
Suddenly the foreman's cell phone rang. Not even thinking, he jumped off the board to get it, sending the peeing man to his death!
At the inquest, an electrician who was working on the twenty-seventh floor was asked what he'd witnessed regarding the accident.
"I'm not really sure. I think it had something to do with sex."
The coroner said, "Sex? Why do you think that?
The electrician replied, "I saw the man falling with his dick in his hand, screaming, "Where'd that cocksucker go?"

 

[secondjag]

[cucksean]

10 hours ago, secondjag said:

Thanks Jag...you are awesome

[secondjag]

10 minutes ago, cucksean said:

Thanks Jag...you are awesome

much appreciated Sean

 

[secondjag]

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!
Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

The agony of aging: on the first day of Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, “You should probably get your hearing checked. They said to turn your clocks back.”

A man was getting concerned that his 3 daughters might not be as innocent as he wished.
What did they already know about sex? He decided to find out.
So he brought his 16-year-old into the bathroom, dropped his pants, and said "Do you know what this is?" "Yes, daddy, that's a penis".
The man exploded! He couldn't believe it! "You're grounded for a year", he exclaimed, "and you're going to read the bible every day!"
He then brought his 14-year-old into the bathroom, and dropped his pants. "Do you know what this is?"
"Yes, daddy, it's a penis"
Unbelievable! He grounded her for 2 years, and took away her allowance forever.
Finally, he brought his 12-year-old into the bathroom, dropped his pants, and asked "Do you know what this is?" "No, daddy, I don't."
"What a good girl! I'm very proud of you! I'm going to raise your allowance! Anyway, this is called a penis."
The girl laughed and said, "You call THAT a penis?!?"

 

[secondjag]

 

A drunk was zigzagging his way through the streets at 4 AM. Two policemen watching him from their car stop and approach him.
One cop asked "Where are you going at this time of night?" "I'm going to a lecture".
"A lecture?! At this time of night? What about?!"
"About the effects of alcohol and drugs on the human body. The damages caused by living a reckless life. The degradation that free love and sex bring to a marriage. The negative impacts of all this on the central and peripheral nervous system. The dangers of a live without God in your heart..."
One of the policemen stops him: "Okay, okay, we get it. But who's giving such a lecture at this time of night?!"
"My wife, as soon as I get home!"

A couples happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma. For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding. Finally, the old girl passed away. On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years". His wife looked at him aghast. "*MY* Aunt Emma!" she cried. "I thought she was *YOURS*