Umm

[secondjag]

"Nice threads, Man. Where'd you pick 'em up?" "My old lady got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?" "I'll say. What was the occasion?" "Got me. I came home from work early the other day, and there they were... hanging over the chair in the bedroom."

 

A airplane is in mid-flight over the ocean ,when suddenly, the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, co-pilot, navigator and stewardess.
He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place."
The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the co-pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."
The co-pilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So, if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."
The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So, if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the stewardess's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place."
No one says a word, but the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear.

He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic. The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind some crates in the hold, and tied him up.
The pilot then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so.

"I told him, sir," she replied, "that if he killed me, he'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your blowjobs."

 

[secondjag]

Harold went to a bar and ordered a drink. After a few minutes, a beautiful blonde sat down next to him and started coming on to him.

Soon she invited him back to her place.
Overcome with excitement, Harold agreed.
When they got to the bedroom, Harold exclaimed, "Wow! A waterbed, I've never had sex on a waterbed before."
Soon they were both naked and going at it.
The blonde stopped him and said, "Before we go any further, don't you think you should put on some protection?"
"Good idea," he responded and got up. Harold walked out of the room, and when he came back, he was wearing a life preserver."

A man who worked for the Fire Department came home from work one day and told his wife, “We really have a wonderful system at the fire department:

 ‘Bell 1' we all put on our coats. ‘Bell 2' rings and we all slide down the pole.  ‘Bell 3' rings and we are on the truck ready to go.  From now on we are going to run this house the same way.  When I say ‘Bell 1' you strip naked. ‘Bell 2' you jump into bed.  ‘Bell 3' we are going to make love all night.”

The next night when he came home from work and yelled “Bell 1", she took off her clothes.  “Bell 2", she jumped into bed.  “Bell 3" they began to make love. 

After two minutes she yelled, “BELL 4!" 

He said, “What the hell is ‘Bell 4'?” 

“MORE HOSE!” she responded. “YOU AIN’T ANYWHERE NEAR DA FIRE!”

 

[secondjag]

Angus Broon of Glasgow, Scotland, comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ye be sewin' on a wee button that's come off of ma fly? I canna button ma troosers."
"Och, Angus, I've got ma hands in the sink, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin' ye with it."
About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.
Walking back in the door with a black eye and a bloody nose comes Angus.

Maggie looks at him and says, "My god Angus, what happened tae ye? Did you ask her up the stairs like I told you?"
"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, an she did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in."

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc., and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?".
"Well, I raised over 700 little peckers last year."

"Chicken farmer it is," exulted the accountant.

 

[secondjag]

A popular newspaper was carrying out a survey on sexual habits.

One questioner stopped an elderly Italian gentleman in the street who was wearing a black suit and asked him how often he had sexual intercourse.
"Oh, about half a dozen times a year", said the gentleman.  The questioner smiled.
"I thought you Italians were supposed to be sexy!" she said.
"We are," said the gentleman. "But I don't think half a dozen times a year is so bad for a seventy-two year old priest with no car."

My university includes a large hospitality and catering department which used to be the National College of Baking. I conjectured that prolonged exposure to flour dust could well cause glaucoma and planned to publish a paper on it: "Master Baking Makes you Blind."

 

An elderly lady went to the doctor and asked for his help in reviving her husband’s passion.

“Why don’t you give him Viagra?” the doctor asked.

“Oh, no,” the woman replied.

“He doesn't even take aspirin for a headache!

“That’s not a problem,” the doctor told her.

“Just crush up the pill and slip it into his coffee. He’ll never even know.”

Several days later, the old woman returned to the doctor, and he asked her if his suggestions worked.

“Oh, Doctor!” she exclaimed. “It was horrible! I did just as you said and as soon as he finished his coffee, he jumped up from the table, ripped off my clothes and took me right there on the table, we made love for a whole hour!!” 

“And that was horrible?” the doctor asked, puzzled.

“Oh, the love making was wonderful!” the old woman exclaimed...

“But I can never show my face in Starbuck’s again!"

 

[secondjag]

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis.

After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said.

She continued, "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

A redneck took his to the Gynecologist. They waited in the Doctor's office when finally, the doctor came in and asked the father, "Well, what are we here for today?" The father answered, "To get my on birth control, doc." "Well, is your sexually active?", asked the doctor. "No", answered the redneck, "she just lays there, just  like her mother."

That morning, I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ‘Happy Birthday’. “I thought, “well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.”
My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So, when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected.
As I walked into my office, my  handsome boss, Rick, said, "Good morning, pretty lady, and by the way, Happy Birthday!" I felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
 I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, "It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've  heard all day.  Let's go!"
 We went to lunch, but we didn't go where we normally would go.  He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.  We had two martinis each, and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office Rick  said, it's such a beautiful day; we don't need to go straight back to  the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not.  What do you have in mind?

"He said, "Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner".
After arriving at his house Rick  turned to me and said, "If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the  bedroom for just a moment.  I'll be right back."
 "Ok," I nervously replied.  He went into the bedroom, and after a couple of minutes he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, my parents, and dozens of my friends,  and co-workers all singing 'Happy Birthday.'
And I just sat there...on the couch.... Not really feeling much like talking . . .

I was naked as a jailbird.

A nurse was telling a gorgeous co-worker about the Canadian sailor who was a patient in Ward Ten.
"He's tattooed," she confided in a low voice, "in a very intimate place!"
"You mean... " gasped the beautiful nurse.
"Yes! On his penis. Isn't that odd? There's actually a word tattooed there: 'Swan."'
"This I've got to see," exclaimed the voluptuous one, and she hurried off to Ward Ten.
Half an hour later, she returned. "You were right," she said. "He is tattooed there. But the word is, 'Saskatchewan'!"

A Polish girl went to the gynecologist. She disrobed and got up into the stirrups. The doctor was so shocked at the neglectful state of her vagina he asked, "When was the last time you had a check-up?" "Well, to be honest with you," she blushed, "I've never had a Czech up there, but I have had several Hungarians."

A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when she looks down and sees a really ugly frog.
Picking the frog up, she comments on the creatures rather hideous appearance...
Princess: My but you are really an ugly frog!
Frog: I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me.
Princess: Well I've seen frogs with spells but, none as ugly as you.
Frog: Look, I told you lady, it's a really bad spell.
Princess: Well even so, if I kiss you will you turn into a Prince?
Frog: I don't know lady, a spell this bad will probably take a blow job.

 

A man in a bar orders a Kingfisher Beer

A lady sitting next to him: What a coincidence, I have ordered Kingfisher…..

Man: I'm Celebrating.

Lady: Me too.

Man: What a coincidence. Why are you celebrating?

Lady: My husband and I have tried 4 years for a baby. today I'm pregnant.

Man: What A Coincidence! I am a farmer. For 4 yrs my hens couldn't lay any eggs. Today all are laying eggs.

Lady: Wow! How Did That Happen?

Man: I used a different cock. 

The lady smiled and said, “What a coincidence!!!”

 

 

[secondjag]

A mother has told her little girl all about the making of babies. 

Little Susie is now silent for a while.
"You understand it now?" The mother asks.
"Yes," replies her .
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens and puppies? How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy will fuck ANYTHING!"

 A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an 

asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

After listening to the elderly hooker plead her case, Judge Hanson called a brief recess and retired to his chambers. En route, he bumped into Judge Forbes. "Say," said Hanson, "what would you give a sixty-three year-old hooker?" "Oh gosh," replied Forbes, "five or six bucks tops."

 

Two women friends had gone for a ‘Girls Night Out’, but had been over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee.

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her knickers and use them, then throw them away.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set. and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that.

They then made off for home.

The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said "These damn girls’ nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her knickers."

"That's nothing" said the other "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her bum that said 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you'!"

 

[secondjag]

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde girl. 

The puzzled girl kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

She continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

A man and his wife were driving through Arkansas on their way from New York to California.
Looking at his fuel gauge, the man decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up.
"What can I do fer y'all?" the attendant asked.
"Fill it with supreme," the man said.
While the attendant was filling the tank, he looked the car up, down and sideways.
"What kinda car is dis'here?" he asked.  "I never seen one like it before."
"It's a brand new Cadillac," the driver said proudly.
 "It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a CD player,  an 8-speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes,  leather interior, digital instruments, a DVD player in the dash, etc...."
"Wow," said the attendant. "That there's the fanciest car I ever did see."
"How much do I owe you?" asked the driver when the attendant had finished.
"That'll be $30.25," he replied.
The driver pulled out his money clip and peeled off a $20 and a $10.
Then he went into his pocket and pulled out a handful of change.
Mixed in with the change were a few golf tees.
"What're them little things there?" asked the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," said the man.
"Goodness," said the attendant.  "Them Cadillac people think of everything."

 

[secondjag]

What's the definition of a good salesman?
A really great salesman is one who can actually make his wife feel sorry for the girl who lost her panties and bra in his car.

 

There was a young fellow named Simon,
Who tried to discover a hymen,
But he found every girl,
Had relinquished her pearl
In exchange for a solitaire diamond.

There was a young fellow named Gluck
Who found himself shit out of luck.
Though he petted and wooed,
When he tried to get screwed
He found virgins just don't give a fuck.

 

[Peter C]

Becky and i were playing in bed last night with her pretending to be a police woman. She overpowered me and arrested me for being good in bed. 

30 seconds later, all charges were dropped...

[secondjag]

Father Harris was motoring along a country lane in his parish on a spring afternoon when, all of a sudden, he got a flat tire.
Exasperated, the priest stopped his car, got out, and assessed the damage.
Luckily a four-wheel-drive jeep rounded the bend and pulled to a stop behind the crippled vehicle.
The door to the jeep opened and out stepped a powerful hunk of a man.
"Good afternoon, Father," greeted the stranger. "Can I give you a hand?"
"Heaven be praised," rejoiced the priest. "As you can see, my son, I have a flat tire, and I must admit I've never changed one before."
"Don't worry about it, Father. I'll take care of it."
And without skipping a beat, the bruiser picked up the front of the car with one hand and removed the lug nuts from the base of the flat tire with the other.
"Why don't you get the spare from the trunk?"
"Why, ahh, yes, of course, my son," stuttered the amazed Father Harris.
The priest rolled the spare around to the strong- man who casually lifted it up with his free hand, maneuvered it into place, and proceeded to tighten the lug nuts.
"Do you need the wrench?" the Father queried.
"That's OK," the fellow told him. "These nuts are as tight as a nun's snatch."
"Hmmmm..." mused Father Harris. "I'd better get the wrench."

 

Farmer Jones lives with his tame bear in the remote country with only dirt access roads.
His tame bear had been naughty that day so he put him in the barn and said, "You stay here until you learn how to behave yourself."
Shortly afterwards it begin to rain (a real heavy down pour).
About an hour later a travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and asked the Farmer for a place to stay.
The Farmer told him he didn't have room in the house, however he could stay in the barn.
He told the salesman there were no lights in the barn and his tame bear was in the barn.
The Farmer said the bear would not bother him.
The salesman went to the barn.
Later another travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and the Farmer told him about the barn with no lights and the tame bear.
Salesmen left for barn.
One hour later a woman got stuck in the mud and approached the Farmer.
He told her about the barn and mentioned the two travelling salesmen (he was so concerned about the salesmen he forgot to mention the bear).
The woman said, "I can take care of myself.” and left for the barn.
Two hours later the Farmer was awakened by heavy knocking at the door.
When opening the door the woman was standing there with her clothes torn and rumpled.
The Farmer said.  "Good heavens what happened to you?"
The woman replied, "I give up on human nature, the first guy gave me forty dollars, the second guy gave me fifty dollars, but that cheap bastard in the fur coat never even said thanks."

 

 

[secondjag]

forgot these

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy, "what is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours, and you mount her from behind, and you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, ‘Boy, these feel just like your sister's’ and then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."

Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator asks, “How do you know?” He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

I was in bed with a blind girl last night, and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

Scene: The finish line of the famous Venice Canal swim race. A newspaper reporter is interviewing Pierre, who was favored to win the race.
Reporter: "Pierre, you were favored to win today's Venice Canal race by a 1/4 mile; this wasn't even supposed to challenge you. Why then did you finish dead last, shocking your fans?"
Pierre: "Well, at the start I was in the lead, and taking it easy, knowing there was no one in reach of me. As I passed under the first bridge, Suzette was standing on top of it, rubbing her hips, and looking very sexy. She was calling to me, saying, 'Pierre, I am yours when you finish the race.' This started to get me excited, my swim suit was getting uncomfortable."
"The next bridge I passed under, the beautiful Rose was standing on the bridge. She had her shirt off, and was fondling her large breasts, saying, 'These are for you when you finish the race, Pierre.' I was now dragging in the mud. The other swimmers were now in sight, but I swam on."
"The third bridge I passed under, the naked Bridget was standing on it. She was rubbing her body, and calling to me, saying, 'I am yours when you finish the race Pierre, I want you so bad.' This was it, I was now stuck in the mud, all the other swimmers passed me."
"I was sad to let down my fans. I didn't know what to do."
Reporter: "But Pierre, why didn't you try the backstroke?"
Pierre: "Ah, but what of the bridges?"

 

[secondjag]

Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer. One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man, you really look tired."

 His buddy says, "Dude, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex all the time, three, four, even six times a night, every night. She wakes me up at all hours. I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about 70, sitting a couple of stools down overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that nonsense!"

This guy is between the sheets with this woman when he hears the garage door open.
"It's my husband," the woman says. " Here, start ironing these," tossing him a pile of shirts.
The husband walks in and asks why there is this strange man ironing shirts.
She tells him that he is the new housekeeper. Her husband seems to accept this.
The guy stays and finishes the shirts , leaves, and walks down the street to catch the bus.
He can't help but brag about what just happened, and tells a man waiting next to him.
The man looks at him and says," Pal are you talking about a nice looking brunette who lives in that 2 story brick job on the corner of Main and Park?"
"Yes, I am."
"Hell, son, who do you think washed them damn shirts anyway."

 

[secondjag]

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.
After a few drinks, they went back to the tall woman's apartment. "I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."
"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart, and close your eyes," said the midget.
The woman obliged, and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes, the woman had enjoyed eight orgasms.
"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "just wait until I get BOTH legs in there!"

 

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.

He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning, she hears a knock at the door. It’s the same man, and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?"

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home, she tells him what has happened for the last two days.

The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking a day off tomorrow to be home, just in case this guy shows up again."

The next morning they hear a knock at the door, and both ran for the door. The husband whispers to the wife, "Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen, and if it is the same guy I want you to answer ‘yes’ to the question, because I want to a see where he's going with this."

She nods yes to her husband, and opens the door.

Sure enough, the same fellow is standing there. He asks, "Do you have a Vagina?"

"Yes, I do." says the lady.

The man replies, "Good. Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone, and start using yours?!"

 

[secondjag]

A sweet, beautiful young would-be starlet comes to Hollywood to seek her fortune.
At her first power cocktail party she goes to the host and asks him: "Who's the most powerful man in the room?"
"That would be Bob, over there by the caviar," he says.
The young woman walks over to Bob and says, "Excuse me, Bob, would you mind stepping back behind this column? I'd like to talk to you."
Bob and the girl step behind the column and she says, "Bob... I'm gonna unzip your fly, take out your cock, and give you the best blowjob you ever had...!"
Bob smiles slightly and says, "Well, okay. But.............. what's in it for me?"

A soldier, filled with obvious triumph, returned from his twenty-four-hour pass, and was besieged by his buddies, who wanted to know, in detail, how he had made out.
The soldier, nothing loath, said gleefully, "What a piece of fuckin' luck I had.
I hadn't been off camp more than half an hour when I met this fuckin' broad, and was she stacked!
We got to talking and I took her out for some fuckin' hamburgers.
Then we went to a fuckin' movie where we got friendly.
Then she took me to her fuckin' apartment and in less than five minutes I had every fuckin' stitch off her."
He paused for breath and everyone cried out, "So what happened?" What happened?"
And the soldier said, "What the fuck do you think happened, you fuckin' jerks? We had sexual intercourse."

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular checkup.
"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, It seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?"
"Well," the doctor answered, "hemophilia is a genetic disorder, and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac.
Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?"
After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."

 

[secondjag]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants to Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So, I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

A teacher is instructing her 4th grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.'
She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands.
"Carl," she says.
Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps 'cause they're contagious."
"Very good," says the teacher.
Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious."
The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!" Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?"
Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, 'Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence.'

A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love.
The girl wants it again, and the guy obliges her. She wants more, and they do it again.
She still wants more and the guy, by now exhausted, says, "Excuse me a minute I have to relive myself."
While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat. He goes up to the guy and says, "Look, I've got this gal in my car, and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me."
The guy agrees. He jumps into the back of the car and starts to go at it with the woman.
He's just getting to the gravy strokes when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them.
The cop asks, "What're you doing in there?"
The guy says "I'm making love to my wife."
The cop asks, "Why don't you do that at home?"
The guy answers. "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."

 

[secondjag]

In the north of England lived a man, poorly educated, who made a large fortune by selling his design for a bicycle chain. With this money he set about realizing his childhood ambition to become a country squire.

He purchased a beautiful estate near the Scottish border, and proceeded, with the help of some excellent servants, to live in a manner none in his family had ever dreamed of.

Foremost of these servants was his butler, Jeeves, a well-educated man, who assisted his master in every way he could to better himself.

The master would often ask Jeeves for advice on how to handle a social situation, or to explain a new term.

One day when the master was reading, he called Jeeves in and asked, "Jeeves, what is this fox pass?"

"Sir," replied Jeeves, "that would be 'faux pas'. I'll give you an example:

"Do you remember recently when Lord and Lady Plushbottom stayed for the weekend? And do you remember how on Sunday morning Lord Plushbottom pricked his finger on a rose?

"And do you further remember how later, at breakfast, Lady Plushbottom asked her husband 'Is your prick still throbbing dear?' and you said 'Christ!' and I dropped the marmalade?

"That, Sir, was a faux pas."

 

[secondjag]

During the mating season a whale couple was trying to get a pregnancy started.

They were interrupted by a whaling ship that tried to capture them.

They resorted to running away and hiding behind a reef, but the whaling ship kept looking for them.
The male whale got upset and said, "This is too much. We are going to retaliate. I have a plan", he told his mate. "Let's swim under the whaling ship and with our blow holes blow hard and make boat rock. When the sailors fall into the ocean, we can swim up and gobble them up? What do you think?" he asked.
She looked a bit bored and said, "Well, I don't mind the blowing, but I won't swallow any seamen."

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar.
He turned to the astonished patrons and said, 'I'll make you a deal.
I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.
Then the alligator will close his mouth for one minute.
He will then open his mouth and I'll remove my genitals unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth.
The alligator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.
The alligator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.
'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar and a blonde woman timidly spoke up.
'I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle.'

 

[secondjag]

Carolyn was down at the Carolina shore this weekend and was walking along the water's edge, when she came upon a man with a rather large belly who was sun bathing on the beach.

Feeling a bit down on the male population at the moment, Carolyn caustically remarked, "If that belly was on a woman, I bet you would probably say she was pregnant!"

The man squinted up at her a little annoyed and replied, "It was, and she is!"

A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl, who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee.

Being the avid golfer he was, he once again bore down on the ball. Right in the middle of his backswing, a guy in a white coat ran out of the woods and asked him if a naked lady ran past.
Our golfer said "Yes, she ran into the woods."
The guy in the white coat said thanks and ran after her. Our golfer again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden, another man in a white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5-gallon bucket of sand and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat come through here chasing a naked lady.

He said, "Yes, they ran that way through the woods."
The man said thanks and started to run off when the golfer stopped him and asked, "Hey, what's going on?"
The guy explained, "You see we work at a sanitarium institution nearby and every now and then that girl gets away and all she wants to do is get naked and fuck."
The golfer then asked, "Well what's the bucket of sand for?"
The guy in the white coat said, "Oh, that's my handicap. You see, I caught her last time!"

A typical family of hillbillies, Paw, Maw, Jethro and little Sally.
One day, Jethro asked, "Paw, what is Sex?"
Paw says, "Since you are a big boy, I will show you."
Paw hollers, "Maw get yourself in here!" Paw then says, "Maw, take your clothes off and get on the bed. Now spread your legs."
Paw says, "Jethro see that thar little hole? Now watch this!" and climbs on top, and begins having sex.
In the midst of Paw's demonstration Little Sally comes in and exclaims, "What is going on? "
Jethro answers, "Paw is teaching me about sex."
Little Sally asks, "What is Sex?"
Jethro replies, "See that little hole on Paw? Now watch this!"

A female truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding.
The patrolman told her to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in her mouth as he stepped out of the cab.
Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow something?"
"Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver.
"Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman.
"Yep, when I saw your flashing light, I knew I was gonna get fucked."

 

[secondjag]

As a part of the “Show and Tell” segment of Language class, Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"I don't know," said Johnny, "but, this morning, my sister said she missed one. Then Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, the man next door shot himself, and Father Hibberd across the street took off for a mission in Africa.

Steph was telling her boyfriend, Jeff, "According to archaeologists, for millions of years the Neanderthal man was not fully erect." And Jeff's reply was, that's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly the Neanderthal women were!

 

Morris and Max, both 89 yrs. Old, meet every morning in the park. Morris shows up just as Max is finishing his 4-mile run.

Morris asks him, "What's your secret? I have to sit after walking half a block!"
Max says, "I eat dark rye bread three times a day, I feel great, I can run and am still dating lots of women."
Morris stops at the bakery on the way home and says, "You have any dark rye bread?"
The lady at the counter says, "Yes."
Morris says "Give me four loaves."
The lady says, "Four loaves?!? It'll get hard."
Morris says, "Why does everyone know about this stuff but me!"

A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained.
"I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"

 

 

[cucksean]

9 hours ago, secondjag said:

As a part of the “Show and Tell” segment of Language class, Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"I don't know," said Johnny, "but, this morning, my sister said she missed one. Then Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, the man next door shot himself, and Father Hibberd across the street took off for a mission in Africa.

Steph was telling her boyfriend, Jeff, "According to archaeologists, for millions of years the Neanderthal man was not fully erect." And Jeff's reply was, that's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly the Neanderthal women were!

 

Morris and Max, both 89 yrs. Old, meet every morning in the park. Morris shows up just as Max is finishing his 4-mile run.

Morris asks him, "What's your secret? I have to sit after walking half a block!"
Max says, "I eat dark rye bread three times a day, I feel great, I can run and am still dating lots of women."
Morris stops at the bakery on the way home and says, "You have any dark rye bread?"
The lady at the counter says, "Yes."
Morris says "Give me four loaves."
The lady says, "Four loaves?!? It'll get hard."
Morris says, "Why does everyone know about this stuff but me!"

A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained.
"I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"

 

 

Thank you jag!

[secondjag]

9 hours ago, cucksean said:

Thank you jag!

alright buddy, for you.

A very naïve British sailor is in a bar in London.
He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.
He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"
She says, "It's me lower mouth."
He says, "What do you mean, your 'lower mouth'?"
She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a mustache...it's got lips..."
He says, "Has it got a tongue in it?"
She says, "Not always."

 

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a real Rugby player.

They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.
They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.  On his arm, he has a tattoo that says, REEBOK.
"What's that for?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."
Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.
'What's that?' the lady questions again.
"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says, "AIDS. "
The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"
The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!!  It will say ADIDAS in a minute."

A waiter was working one night, when a beautiful blonde was seated in his section. He went over to take her order, and saw that she was crying.
"What's wrong, miss? Are you ok?" he asked.
Wiping tears from her eyes, she looked up at him and said, "My boyfriend just dumped me, and today is my birthday. Nice gift, isn't it?"
The waiter talked with her a few moments, and was able to get her to stop crying. He kept a close eye on her, and when she had finished her meal, he went into the kitchen, cut a large slice from the best cake on the menu, and stuck a candle in it. He lit the candle, and brought it to her table. She looked very happy, and he was glad. He said, "Make a wish and blow!"
She closed her eyes, and made her wish. Then she came up to the waiter, got down on her knees, unzipped his pants, pulled out his cock, and started sucking on it. He had no idea why she was doing this, but she was really into it, sucking away, and playing with his balls. He knew that he should stop her-they didn't even know each others names-but hey, when you've got a hot blonde sucking on your cock, like you're really going to say, no don't suck it.
He stood there, enjoying every moment, and when she made him cum, he exploded inside her mouth, and she swallowed every drop of his huge, hot load. She looked up at him with a smile, and said, "Did you like it?"
He said, "Yes, of course, you suck cock great... but I'm just wondering why you suddenly started sucking my cock??"
She looked confused. "Well, I was just doing what you told me to."
Now he's confused. "What I told you to?"
Smiling, she says, "Don't tell me you forgot already. You said, 'Make a wish and blow!'"

 

[secondjag]

Did you hear about the transvestite at the Christmas party?
He wanted to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word. So, he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom…
'She's got a great body,' he thinks.
So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming.
But still, Total Silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket…
Suddenly the father shouted, 'I'll do the fucking dishes!

 

[secondjag]

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!" then stormed off to work.
By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.
"What took you so long to answer?" he asked.
"I was in bed," she replied.
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion.”

A guy out on the golf course takes a high-speed ball right in the crotch.
Screaming in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."
The doctor told him, "Your testicles are fine, but I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together, an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her and goes on their honeymoon.
That night in the hotel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.
This was the first time he saw them. She said, "You're the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
Next she takes off her panties and says, "you're the first, no one has ever touched me here."
Barely able to contain himself, he immediately drops his pants and replies ..."Look at this! It's still in the CRATE."

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her inner right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" down on her inner left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your inner thighs?"
She says "I'm sick and tired of my man complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

 

[secondjag]

A guy and a girl are lying in a bed after just having sex. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests. The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man oh Man, I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."
The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"
"Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity."
Astounded, the girl replies, "So you really love me?"
"Oh God no!" the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting."

A nineteen-year-old unmarried girl tells her Mom that she might be pregnant.  Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is, indeed, pregnant.  Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you?  I want to know!
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it, and enters the house.  He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:
"Good morning. Your has informed me of the problem.  However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.  If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.  If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll just have to sleep with her again!"

 

[secondjag]

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."

 

I had been napping, when my wife called me to the kitchen.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

A woman in her 30's was taking her mother, who was in her 50's to the  gynecologist.
After dropping her mother off, she and her ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor.
While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups, the doctor remarked,  "Don't we look pretty today", as he performed his examination.
The lady was quite shocked, but said nothing.
When her picked her up, she was very upset.
The following  conversation ensued:
Mother: Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said, "Don't we look pretty today?", while he was looking between my legs!  Do you think that was appropriate?
: No!  Are you sure he wasn't referring to your hairstyle or something?
Mother: Well, it still wasn't appropriate or professional. I wonder if it could be considered sexual harassment. What do you think?
: I don't know.  We're you embarrassed?
Mother: I was very embarrassed.  I used some of your FDS this morning, and he may have smelled that, but I still don't think he should have commented!
: I don't have any FDS.
Mother: Why, sure you do!  In the blue can that was on back of the toilet.  I used some before the appointment...
Granddaughter [interrupting]: Grandma!  That's my Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray!

A young girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself.
Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her.
Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off."
So off she went. After a little while at the party, boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her.
She asked him,
"What will our baby be called?"
The boy found some excuse and disappeared.
Sometime later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders...
She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.
Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him,
"What will our baby be called?"
He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off.
"What will our baby be called?" she asked once more.
He began to have sex with her.
"What will our baby be called?!" she asked again.
After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... David Copperfield!"