Umm

[secondjag]

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good-looking, smartly dressed woman sitting on the bar stool.

He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there, how's it going?"

Having already had a few drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "Listen! I'll fuck anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter."

He says, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.
The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"
The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"
"How does he drive you crazy?"
"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."
The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"
"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!"
"Hmm, anything else?"
The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"
"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."
The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"
The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."
The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."
"What did he say?"
"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"
The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."
The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."
The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."
"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."
The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."
"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.
"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."
"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."
"What did he say?"
The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said, 'Don't screw up!'"

 

[secondjag]

Years ago in a private girls school rules were very strict.

One of the many things that was not allowed was the wearing of wigs (because wearing hair that was not their own was not allowed), so the girl would hide the artificial hair in their dresser drawers.
Somehow, word got to the headmaster who immediately called all the girls in to find the guilty ones. He told them, all you girls with hair in your drawers raise your hands.
From the back of the room there was a response from a little freshman girl. She asked, "Does fuzz count?"

An attractive young med student was having coffee with her girlfriend and complaining about her fiancée’s extraordinary sexual appetite.
"I barely have the strength to come to work in the morning," she murmured. "And now that he's on his vacation, things will probably be even more intense when he gets back."
"How long is he off?" the assistant inquired.
"It varies," she replied. "But usually, it's just long enough to smoke a cigarette."

 

[secondjag]

It's the summer of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"
He says. "That's cool."
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in-movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "We know that Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Bobby.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:
"Dammit, Daddy! The Twist!!! It's called The Twist!"

 

"So, let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant. "You came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man?"
"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Then my question to you is: why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.
"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"

 

[secondjag]

A Biology Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first-year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting or playing golf with his buddies."

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.
The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest.
"How much is it?" she asked.
"One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so. "But it comes with an inscription," he said.
"What kind of inscription?" she asked.
"Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers’ favorites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'"
"OH, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"

 

[secondjag]

Two cuties were comparing notes concerning their latest boyfriends.
The first said, "He took me to his condo in Ocean City and showed me all these expensive jewels. There was an emerald-cut diamond of at least five carats, a tennis bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist watch with eleven carats."
"Impressive," said the second young thing.
"Well, yes," the first agreed. "But the downside was that with all those carats, he expected me to fuck like a rabbit."

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials.
The woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a really fancy watch."
"Thanks," says the guy. "It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything i want to know, and it'll answer me telepathically."
"Rubbish, you're having me on," says the girl.
"No, it's true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties on."
The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it says you haven't got any panties on."
"Well, it's wrong," says the girl. "I do have panties on."
"Damn," says the guy, slapping his watch, "It's an hour fast again!"

 

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students, "If you were courting a well-educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies, "Wait a minute, I'm going for a pee."
The teacher replies, "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Charlie replies, "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says, "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."
And finally, Billy says, "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "
The teacher passed out……….

 

[secondjag]

Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn?
She woke up with a kernel between her legs.

 An employment interviewer for a big company in Atlanta was talking to an attractive young woman applying for a job. Looking over the application form, the interviewer noticed that the girl had not answered one important question concerning transportation to and from work. "What about your bus line?" the interviewer asked her.
"I don't believe I mentioned it," came the pleased reply, "but it's 38-D."

Two drunks are in a tavern sitting at the bar, staring into their drinks. One gets a curious look on his face and asks, "Hey, Pete, you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"
"Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years!

A man goes into a little neighborhood pub, and when he sits down, he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar.
He waves to her, and much to his surprise, she winks back at him. It doesn't take long before he is on the stool next to her.
They talk for about fifteen minutes and then the man says to the woman, "You're really hot!"
You're pretty cute, too," she says to him. "I'll tell you what. I live just around the corner. What do you think about coming up to my place?"
It sounds great!" the man eagerly replies.
"Before we go up there though", the woman says, "I have to ask you one question: Do you like doing it Greek style?"
"Well...uh...I'm not exactly sure what that is, man answers, "but it sure sounds interesting and I'm willing to learn! Let's go!"
So the two of them walk over to her apartment.
As soon as they get inside the door, the woman rips off all her clothes. The man can't believe his eyes. The woman has an incredibly beautiful body.
"Now, you're *sure*," the woman asks, "that you want to do it Greek style?"
"Definitely!" the man replies.
"All right, then," says the woman. "Take off all your clothes, and get up on the bed on yours hands and knees."
"Sounds like fun!" the man exclaims. He leaps out of his clothes and climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees. The woman goes around and gets onto the bed right in front of the man.
She kneels down in front of his head. She asks him again, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"
"Yeah! Yeah!" says the man.
The woman grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits, getting him in a lock hold. He can't move at all, and his head is pressing right into her chest. One more time she says, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"
The man's muffled voice can barely be heard from between her breasts.
"Yeah!" he mumbles, "Greek style!"
The woman's grip on him tightens like a vice, and she yells out, "GUS!"

 

[secondjag]

A furrier from the United States went to Helsinki, Finland to purchase furs.
The first night in Helsinki he met a gorgeous blonde named Sanna, and before long the two were alone in his hotel room.
The encounter turned physical, and soon their lovemaking session was complete.
After they were finished, then the man attempted to chat with Sanna -- but it wasn't going well.
He said, "I'm afraid my Finnish isn't too good."
Sanna replied, "Your foreplay ain't all that hot either!"

The science teacher was discussing insects in her biology class for the kids. She said, "Moths always fly with their legs apart. Can anybody tell me why?" Some of the students looked at each other in a state of total confusion. Then, Johnny raised his hand. When called upon, he said, "Miss, have you ever seen the SIZE of moth balls?"

 

A gorilla is walking through the jungle. He parts the bushes by the watering hole and sees a lion taking a drink of water with his butt sticking up in the air.
The gorilla thinks to himself that it would be really funny if he snuck up behind this "King of the Jungle" and slipped him the ol' Liberace. So the gorilla sneaks up on his tiptoes behind the lion, grabs him by the hips, and starts fucking him up his ass as hard as he can.
Then he pulls out and runs away, laughing his head off. He thinks it's the funniest thing he's ever done in his life, fucking the "King of the Jungle" up the ass.
The lion is pissed. "Rrroooooaarrrr!!!" he says, and runs after the gorilla.
Now, the gorilla can't run very fast, and the lion keeps getting closer and closer, so the gorilla ducks into an empty safari camp, puts on a set of safari cloths with the pith helmet and everything, picks up a paper, sits down with the paper held up in front of his face, and makes like he's reading it.
Just then, the lion walks in. "Rrroooooaarrrr!!!" he says. "Did you just see a big gorilla run through here?"
The gorilla starts shaking under the paper. "Uh, you mean the one that just f-fucked the lion up the ass?" he stutters.
The lion sits up with a start and says, "Jesus! It's in the paper already!?"

 

 

[secondjag]

A group of cowboys were out on the range branding some cattle.
While they were away the new cook saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for that night's dinner he slaughtered the sheep, and cooked it.
That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring the cook.
He pulled one aside and asked, ..."Did I screw up the cooking?"

"No," the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the screwing."

Around 2500 years ago, a slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee (pronounced Get-off-a'-me) was attending the first athletic festival in Greece.  This festival had no name. 

In those days the athletes performed naked. To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on a drink, containing saltpeter, before and throughout the variety of events. 

At the opening ceremonial parade of this first great event, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked athletic males marching toward her, and she exclaimed: "Oh! Limp pricks!"

Over the next two and a half millennia that expression morphed into what you know now, "Olympics".

Just thought I'd share my newfound knowledge with you. 

You're welcome.

An Australian family is most concerned that their 30-year-old son is unmarried. So, they call a marriage broker and ask her to find their son a good wife.
The broker comes over to their house and spends a long time asking many questions of the son and his parents as to what they want in a wife/-in-law. They give her a long shopping list of requirements.
The marriage broker takes a long time looking, and finally asks to visit the family again. She tells them of a wonderful woman she has found. She says she's just the right age for the son... she keeps a perfectly clean home... is of sober habits, and regularly attends church every Sunday... she is a wonderful cook... she loves children and wants a large family and, to top it all off, she's drop dead gorgeous.
After hearing all this, the family is very impressed and begins to get excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future.
At this point, the son gets up the courage to ask, "Is she also good in bed?"
And the marriage broker answers, "That I'm not sure of.... Some say yes, some say no, and some say just so, so."

 

[secondjag]

A guy and a girl are lying in a bed after just having sex. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests. The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man oh Man, I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."
The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"
"Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity."
Astounded, the girl replies, "So you really love me?"
"Oh, God, no!" the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting."

The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

 

Yesterday morning I bought two six-packs of beer on sale at the liquor store. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde, was filling up her car at the next pump.

It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.

She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.

With her braless breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice,

“I’m a big believer in barter, old fellow. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

  I thought for a few seconds and asked, “What kind of beer you got?”   

 

[secondjag]

Alice was well into her sixties when she went to her doctor complaining of nausea, exhaustion, and occasional cramps.

After a thorough examination, the doctor sent her to the hospital for a battery of tests, and finally confronted her with the results.
"Mrs. Jones, medically impossible though it seems at your age, there's no doubt about it; you're pregnant."
"Impossible," she cried, and fainted dead away.
When she came to, she staggered to the phone, dialed her 78-year-old husband, and yelled, "You've knocked me up, you randy old goat!"
There was a long pause at the other end of the line.

Then a voice said, "And with whom am I speaking?"

I was sitting around yesterday at lunch, with a few of my co-workers, when the subject of sex (what else?) came up.
Now, Billy-Bob (he runs the fork lift) says, "Last night I made love to my wife three times! This morning, she was so happy she made me my favorite breakfast of eggs and grits."
Now, Jim-Bob (the fertilizer inspector) not to be outdone by his cousin Billy-Bob, he says, "That's nothing. Last night I made love to my wife five times. She was so happy, she not only made me my favorite breakfast of biscuits and gravy, she told me I was the best in the world and she could never love another man."
Well, they then looked at me, waiting for me to say something. Finally, I just said in a quiet voice, "I just made love to my wife once last night, and she didn't fix me anything for breakfast."
Well, they started laughing, and finally Jim-Bob asks me, "Well, hell, did she say anything to you this morning?"
"Just two words," I answered. "Don't stop."

 

[secondjag]

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals".
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be, sugar?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for it all."
The teacher fainted.

A middle class gentleman decided one week before Halloween to have a party on Halloween night.
The theme of the party was that you must have a costume that represents an emotion.
The word spread quickly, and since anybody was welcome, it was sure to be a big party.
On the night of the party, the house was filled with people, a brown costume for the shitty mood, a multicolored costume for premenstrual syndrome, and many others both interesting as well as funny.
The man continuously received knocks on the door, and always let the person in, regardless of their taste in costume.
Once again, a knock rapped on his door, and he opened it.
A beautiful woman stepped in, wearing a red dress with ruffled sleeves. "You look beautiful tonight miss, what is your emotion?" the man asked.
"I'm red with anger.," said the woman.
The man smiled and let her in to join the others in the party. 
Five minutes later another knock on the door came, and he opened it, to have another beautiful woman in a green dress step in. "What are you supposed to be, my pretty?" the man asked.
"I'm green,...green with envy," said the woman.
"Quite clever!" said the man.  He stepped aside to allow her to enter.
Two minutes later, another tapping on the door came. He opened it, and In front of him stood a 6'6", naked, smelly, hairy man. On the end of his erected penis stood a pear.
"I hears you got yourself a party.," said the stranger.
"That is correct," said the man, trying to keep his cool. "What are you supposed to be?"
"The naked stranger looked down on the man and, in a booming voice, replied, "I'm fucking despair!"

 

[secondjag]

A girl walks into a bar and asks for a Manhattan with a plum in it.
The bartender says, "You mean cherry."
She says, "No, I mean a plum."
The bartender says, "Look, lady, I've been tending bar for 20 years and you're the first who ever asked for a Manhattan with a plum.  Where did you ever get that idea?"
She said, "About 3 years ago I lost my cherry, and I've been plumb crazy ever since."

Visiting my sister for a few days in Chicago last fall, I decided to get her a thank you gift for staying there.
I visited a new shopping mall and approached a great looking gal in the women's department.
"I'd like to buy some gloves for a gift for my sister," I said eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in mine while lashing me a big devilish smile. "Oh, yes," I answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl inquired, as she wrapped the gloves.
"Now that you mention it," I replied, "I think she also needs a bra and panties."

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women.
He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet.
He looks down and notices the floor is covered in $100 bills.
Next, there's a knock at the door, so he answers it!
Standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits.
They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb, and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies!
One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first wish -- having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

 

[secondjag]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unresponded to.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker, 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow!'

There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.
The zebra was so excited, she got out of the lock up to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited.
"Hi! I'm a zebra what are you?"
"I'm a cow," said the cow.
"Right, what do you do?"
"I make milk for the farmer."
"Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it, "Hi, I'm a zebra what are you?"
"I'm a chicken," said the chicken.
"Oh, right, what do you do?"
"I make eggs for the farmer."
"Right - o, great, see ya round."
Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes.
She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra what are you."
"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.
"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"
"Take off your pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."

 

[secondjag]

Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his artificial leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancée about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
The wedding night came and went and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.
Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his artificial leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.
"Hmmmmmm," she said softly, "That IS a surprise. Pass me the Vaseline, and I'll see what I can do!"

 

Many years ago, I was acting as the system administrator for a test system in a large publicly held company.
Periodically I would receive a call from someone who had not accessed the system recently, forgot their password and locked themselves out trying to logon. I would look up their password and unlock the system for them and they would go on their merry way.
One day I received a call from a young lady who was in just such a predicament. I looked up her password and informed her that it was 'DOME'.  And, just to be playful, told her the price for me being gracious enough to unlock her sign-on was an explanation of the meaning of her password.

She became very embarrassed over the phone, and pleaded that she could never reveal her secret.

I, of course, replied that I would not give her system access until she did.

After negotiating for several minutes, she finally acquiesced but made me promise to never reveal her password meaning to any of her colleagues, to which I gladly agreed.
"Well, what does it mean?", I asked.
She hesitated and then replied, "It's two words."
There was pregnant pause. I unlocked her system and simply said, "Have a nice day"

A young woman took a sales job in a sporting goods store. She had worked there for about a week when a guy walked in to make a purchase.

The young gal walked up to him and said, "May I help you?"
He replied, "I need a jock strap!"
She was a little flustered, as no one had ever asked for such an item before, but she maintained her composure.
"I'll look in the back and see if we have any," she said.
When she got there, she saw jock straps. They were in boxes marked, S, M, and L.
She returned to where the young man was standing and said, "Yes. We have them. What size would you like? Short, Medium or Long?"

 

 

[secondjag]

"So," jealous Judy asked the detective she had hired, "did you trail my husband?"
"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, then to a restaurant and then to a house."
A big smile crossed Judy's face, "Aha! Then I've got him!" she said, gloating. "Is there any doubt what he was doing?"
"No ma'am," replied the sleuth. "It's pretty clear that he was following you, and taking pictures of you with this other man having sex. By the way, nude pictures of you are all over the Internet now."

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said,

"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 

 

[secondjag]

He wanted many things in a wife, but above all he wanted one who was a virgin.  Falling madly in love with Summer, he decided to test her.
At a drive-in one night, he leaned over and asked, "Would you like to see my pee-pee?"
As he unzipped his fly, Summer covered her eyes.  "No!  No! Please put it back!"
Thrilled, he deemed Summer worthy of being his bride, and immediately proposed to her. 

On their wedding night, he was keenly anticipating the delight of introducing Summer to sex.
When she came to bed, he unzipped his fly and took out his member.
Summer smiled, "Oooooh...what a nice pee-pee."
He stroked her hair.  "My dear, the first thing you must learn is that it really isn't called a pee-pee.  It's called a cock."
"No," Summer said, studying it, "That's a pee-pee.  A cock is long, and fat, like Bubba's!!"

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.

As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him,

"Are you a real cowboy?"

To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am."

After a short while he asked her what she was.

She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.

A couple sat down next to him and asked,

"Are you a real cowboy?"

To which he replied,

"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

 

[secondjag]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:"
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he has probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.

An attractive wife told her husband she was going on vacation with a girlfriend.

But that was a lie.

Instead, she spent a wild, wonderful week with her fabulously wealthy lover. A good portion of the time was spent with her feet in the air. At the end of the week, he gave her a beautiful $10,000 mink coat.
Obviously, she couldn't bring it home and so she devised a plan. She pawned the mink coat. She later casually mentioned to her husband she had found a pawn ticket.
"Honey, on your lunch break today can you stop at the pawn shop and see what this is?" she asked, handing the pawn ticket to her husband.
Her husband returned that evening and told his wife it was nothing but a cheap watch.
The next day his secretary was wearing a $10,000 mink coat.

 

[secondjag]

Three young neighborhood women, having coffee, were discussing their husbands.
One said, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"
The second says, " Well, you are not alone, cuz I'm sure my husband is cheating on me,  also. Last month I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of tiny holes with my sewing needle and put it back in his wallet!"
The third woman fainted!

 

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom, and Susie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad, that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it.

After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. 

Well, a couple more years went by, and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing,

[………………….I DIDN'T SEE THIS ONE COMING………………..] 
So, they buried Susie.

The bartender is concerned to hear this and tells the man, "I'm sorry but I can't help you kill yourself. I wouldn't be able to live with myself."
The man asks him, "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender thinks for a moment and says, "Honestly, if I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife, I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself or drinking myself to death. I'd kill the guy."
The man leaps from his stool and shouts, "Hey, that's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar leaving the shocked bartender behind.
A couple hours later the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
The bartender is nervous now. He's afraid to ask, but eventually says, "Did you kill the guy?"
The man says, "No, I slept with your wife! Whiskey please."

 

The new hooker just finished her first trick.

When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.
She said "well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine."
"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked.
She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much."
"So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much, either."
"Finally I said, well, how much do you have?"
The marine said that he only had $25.
The new hooker said, "Well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand"
He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said "he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand..."
"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge, then what did you do?"
"I loaned him $75!" she said.

 

[secondjag]

A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is dead."

The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"

"A month."

"Why did you wait so long to report it?"

"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream. The sex was the same, but then I realized I didn't have any clean clothes to wear."

The young bridegroom asked his grandfather on his wedding night, “How often should I plan to have sex?”
Grandpa said, “When you're first married, you want it all the time, maybe several times a day.
“Later on, sex tapers and you have it maybe once a week or so.  Then, as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.
“When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year maybe on your anniversary.”
“Well, how about you and grandma now?” the younger man asked.
Grandpa replied, “Oh, we just have oral sex now.” 
“What's oral sex?” the young bridegroom asked.
“Well,” said Grandpa, “she goes to bed in her bedroom, I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, ‘SCREW YOU!’, and I holler back, ‘SCREW YOU TOO!’”

 

 

[secondjag]

The blind date hadn't been all that great, and Mary was relieved the evening was finally over.

At her apartment door, her date suddenly said, "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"

Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.

She took one look and said, "Nice design. Does it also come in men's sizes?"

 

[secondjag]

My husband, my kids, and I were on vacation in a quaint resort town.

There was a local there who gave carriage rides to sightseers. He had his horse parked outside the ice cream parlor as I was exiting with my husband and my four-year-old .

Now, I'm embarrassed to say this, but this horse had an erection, and my was fascinated.

As a bunch of tourists gathered around the horse, feeding and petting him, she yelled out, "Daddy! That horse has a penis -- like you!"

I was mortified, until I noticed that the women in the crowd seemed to be staring at me in admiration.

How do you make your husband scream during sex?

Call him and let him hear it.

McCreedy is sitting at the bar jerking his meat. The bartender says, "Look, Mac, you've got to get out of here." The drunk says, "Are you kiddin'? I can't leave.  I can't walk. Hell, I'm so drunk, I don't even know who I'm fuckin'!"

A man walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. "He can play any musical instrument in the world."
Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So, he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately, the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. This time, the octopus plays the trumpet better than Louis Armstrong. The guy pays up his $50.
Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He puts them down and the octopus fumbles with them for a minute, and then sits down with a confused look.
"Ha!" the Scot yelps. "Ye canny plae it, can ye?"
The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm gonna fock ‘er as soon as I figure out how to get her pajamas off."

 

Two hunters, Paul and Kurt, were in a lodge, making small talk. Paul asked Kurt, "So, what do you hunt?"
Kurt answered "I hunt unicorns."
Paul was startled, but said "Really? How do you do that?"
Kurt replied, "I find a virgin and hire her to help me.
The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare."
Paul said, "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of them, but I've never seen one."

Kurt added, "Yeah, and there aren't many unicorns around, either!"

 

[secondjag]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up. So, she took them home and ate them.

A door-to-door salesmen knocks on a neighbourhood door.
A little boy answers the door and the salesman says, " Hi little fellow, is your mother home ?"
"Yes," said the lad, "she's out in the backyard screwing our goat."
" No," says the salesman, " I don't belive you."
The boy says, " Come see for yourself."
So the salesman takes a look in the backyard, and sure enough, there was the mom bent over with a large goat screwing her from behind.
The salesman said to the boy, "isn't your mom afraid she'll get pregnant?"
The boy says, " N-a-a-a-a-a-"

 

[secondjag]

It's true; I'm back.

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
"Sensible" says Jeff. "So, I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."

Doctor Watson was told by Sherlock Holmes' gardener that there was a ‘doubtful’ looking schoolgirl in Holmes' bedroom.
Watson heard strange muffled sounds coming from the bedroom, and, fearing that Holmes was danger, broke down the door to find Holmes and the girl indulging in a 69.
"Good God Holmes!" said Watson, "What kind of a schoolgirl is this?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson, Elementary."

Tarzan leaves the jungle, comes to civilization, and applies for a job.
Interviewer: Name?
Tarzan: Me Tarzan
Interviewer: Married?
Tarzan: Wife Jane
Interviewer: Children?
Tarzan: Son boy
Interviewer: Anything else to your name besides Tarzan?
Tarzan: Tarzan, King of the Jungle
Interviewer: Jane's Whole Name
Tarzan: Jane's Hole named Pussy

 

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.
They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.

Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."
"Rubbish," replied the cocky young alien.

He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head.
"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"

It just so happens that Princess Di and Dolly Parton make it to the gates of Heaven on the same day.
Saint Peter meets them at the gates and tells them that there is only one opening to be had so they needed to give their best reason why they should be admitted to Heaven.
Dolly opens her shirt to reveal her magnificent breasts and tells Saint Peter to take a good look.
"Have you ever seen such a marvelous sight as these that God gave me?  Surely these alone should be reason enough to admit me through these gates".
Princess Di just pulls out a bottle of seltzer water, shakes it, shoves it up her privates and lets fly with the foaming water.
Saint Peter opens the gates and directs Princess Di to enter.
Dolly is incensed and says to Saint Peter "How could you let her enter???  I show you these marvelous breasts and she does an obscene act yet you let her enter before me?"
"Sorry Dolly," says Saint Peter. "But you know that a Royal Flush beats a pair any day."

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!'

One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get hitched. He was a man of the world, and she was an innocent bride with no experience.
On the first night of their honeymoon the couple has washed up and begun to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each other's bodies. Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.
"Oh my," she says, "What is that?"
"Well, darlin'," the cowboy says, "that's ma rope."
She slides her hands further down and gasps.
"Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks.
"Honey, them's my knots," he answers.
Finally, the couple begins to make love.
After several minutes, the bride says, "Stop, honey. Wait a minute."
Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey? Am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies. "Just undo them damn knots. I need more rope!"

I pulled into a town I couldn't believe still existed in the 21^st Century. A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said "General Store," and that was it.
There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair. I said to him, "What do you folks do around here?"
He said, "We don't do nothin' but hunt n' fuck."
I said, "What do you hunt?"
He said, "Somethin' to fuck."

 

[cucksean]

5 hours ago, secondjag said:

It's true; I'm back.

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
"Sensible" says Jeff. "So, I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."

Doctor Watson was told by Sherlock Holmes' gardener that there was a ‘doubtful’ looking schoolgirl in Holmes' bedroom.
Watson heard strange muffled sounds coming from the bedroom, and, fearing that Holmes was danger, broke down the door to find Holmes and the girl indulging in a 69.
"Good God Holmes!" said Watson, "What kind of a schoolgirl is this?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson, Elementary."

Tarzan leaves the jungle, comes to civilization, and applies for a job.
Interviewer: Name?
Tarzan: Me Tarzan
Interviewer: Married?
Tarzan: Wife Jane
Interviewer: Children?
Tarzan: Son boy
Interviewer: Anything else to your name besides Tarzan?
Tarzan: Tarzan, King of the Jungle
Interviewer: Jane's Whole Name
Tarzan: Jane's Hole named Pussy

 

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.
They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.

Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."
"Rubbish," replied the cocky young alien.

He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head.
"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"

It just so happens that Princess Di and Dolly Parton make it to the gates of Heaven on the same day.
Saint Peter meets them at the gates and tells them that there is only one opening to be had so they needed to give their best reason why they should be admitted to Heaven.
Dolly opens her shirt to reveal her magnificent breasts and tells Saint Peter to take a good look.
"Have you ever seen such a marvelous sight as these that God gave me?  Surely these alone should be reason enough to admit me through these gates".
Princess Di just pulls out a bottle of seltzer water, shakes it, shoves it up her privates and lets fly with the foaming water.
Saint Peter opens the gates and directs Princess Di to enter.
Dolly is incensed and says to Saint Peter "How could you let her enter???  I show you these marvelous breasts and she does an obscene act yet you let her enter before me?"
"Sorry Dolly," says Saint Peter. "But you know that a Royal Flush beats a pair any day."

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!'

One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get hitched. He was a man of the world, and she was an innocent bride with no experience.
On the first night of their honeymoon the couple has washed up and begun to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each other's bodies. Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.
"Oh my," she says, "What is that?"
"Well, darlin'," the cowboy says, "that's ma rope."
She slides her hands further down and gasps.
"Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks.
"Honey, them's my knots," he answers.
Finally, the couple begins to make love.
After several minutes, the bride says, "Stop, honey. Wait a minute."
Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey? Am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies. "Just undo them damn knots. I need more rope!"

I pulled into a town I couldn't believe still existed in the 21^st Century. A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said "General Store," and that was it.
There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair. I said to him, "What do you folks do around here?"
He said, "We don't do nothin' but hunt n' fuck."
I said, "What do you hunt?"
He said, "Somethin' to fuck."

 

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Soooo glad to see you back Jag!

[secondjag]

8 hours ago, cucksean said:

Soooo glad to see you back Jag!

Thanks buddy, good to be back and a happy, healthy new year to you. To you all, filled with peace and prosperity

This guy Chris gets a call from his buddy John one day, and John is on the phone crying.
Chris asks, "John, what's wrong? You sound really upset."
"Well," replies John, "my wife's been cheatin' on me."
"With who?" asks Chris.
"The neighbour," replies John.
"That damn dirty slut!" says Chris.
Yeah," replies John. "You think I'm upset, you should've heard how upset the neighbour's husband was."