Umm

[secondjag]

Me and a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work.

One Friday, Chad showed up particularly late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp.

Then he turned and said, "Times they are getting tough. I mean, just today, my wife told me that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week! I can't believe it."
At which point I put his hand on Chad's shoulder and said reassuringly, "You think you've got it bad? She's cut me out altogether."

Little Johnny's 2nd-grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet. "Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?" Johnny says, "God, I'm coming!!"

 

[Peter C]

Happy Valentine's Day!

I wonder how many cards and messages Becky will get today apart from mine...

[secondjag]

Happy V Day

 

[secondjag]

Mary, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any boys at the age of 19.
Today she was asking her grandmother for advice with boys.
"Grandma," she started, "I've just started French kissing Tommy, and I need to know where the spit should go. I don't want to dribble on my boyfriend."
"Swallow," She advised. "This will make you even more popular later on."

A Marine fell asleep on the beach. He woke up several hours later and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs and was taken to the closest hospital, which happened to be a U.S. Naval Hospital.
His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister Anything that touched his legs caused agony.
The lead on the medical staff at the naval hospital, that night, was a Chief Corpsman, in the emergency room. The Chief checked him out and then prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water, electrolytes, a mild sedative, and Viagra.
Rather astounded, the 3rd class corpsman, who was with the Chief inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?"
The Chief replied, "For starters, it'll keep the sheet off his legs."

 

[secondjag]

Two teenagers wander off to the bushes during a softball game on the outskirts of town and start necking.

After a while the boy stops. "You know we've been doing this for a few weeks now, and I think it's time we went all the way," he pleads.

"Well, maybe," she says. "But I'm a virgin, and I heard it hurts. Besides all those people at the field may hear us."
The boy stops and says, "Hmmm, well then if it hurts, start making cow sounds, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing. That way no one will ever guess what we're really doing."
The girl agrees so they quickly take off their clothes and get down to business.

Ten minutes later people watching the game hear sounds echoing through the quiet countryside so loudly that the teams stop playing. "Moooo..... Moooooo...... Moooooooon River.......!"

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So, he goes to a Priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the Priest says, “My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work, and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks, “What does a priest know about sex?”

So, he goes to a Minister, who after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter.
He queries the Minister and receives the same reply: Sex is work, and therefore not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of year’s tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, “My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

 

 

[secondjag]

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.
"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.
"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they screw you every time!"

Sarah felt bored and unsatisfied. Her job as a nurse's aide included helping patients and keeping track of the billiards equipment in the recreation room at the Venereal Disease Treatment Center. She always wondered what her mother had been thinking all those years when she repeatedly told her that a young lady should mind herpes and cues.

 

An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband "Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years."

"Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast  table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds."

"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?"

So, they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table.

"You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago."

"I'm not surprised," replies the old man.  "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

 

[secondjag]

One day, Paul is walking to his girl's house and passes a florist shop.
On a whim he buys a big bunch of flowers for her.
When he gets to her house he holds the flowers out to her.
Instead to taking them she slides her panties off from under her skirt, lays back on the couch, spreads her legs and says "This is for the flowers."
Paul looks at her and says " Oh come now, surely you have a vase around here somewhere."

 

[secondjag]

On their wedding night, Bruce displays his dick to his new blonde virgin bride and tells her it's the only one in the world. She, of course, believes him.
He's gone for a conference for a couple of weeks and returns, only to be questioned by his new wife.
"Bruce," she says, "I thought you said you had the only one in the world. But Harry at the drug store has one, too."
"Well, er," Bruce flusters, "Harry and I were in the war together, I had two, so I gave him one of mine."
"Oh. Well, why did you give him the big one?"

 

FEMALE POEM

I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen all day long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I want him to be gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, not be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh!  For a man who makes love to my mind,
and knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And forever be my very best friend.

MALE POEM

I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac,
with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat.

Once a young boy was watching his mother take a bath.
As she got out to dry off, he notices her upper torso he asks "Momma what are those?"
She replies "Son those are my breasts," as she turns her back to him, he asks "Momma what is that?" she replies "Son that is my derriere."
As she turns to slip on her robe he spies her nether region and asks "Momma what is that?" She replies "That son is none of your business!"
Later the boy is playing by the kitchen door, and the father comes in from work hungry.
The father hollers toward the kitchen to the mom, "Hey honey, what's for dinner?" She replies "None of your business."
The son shaking his head says "YUCK!"

 

[Peter C]

[secondjag]

The little sexy housewife [who was skimpily clad] was built so well that the TV repairman couldn't concentrate on his work. Whenever she came inside the room, he'd jerk his neck right out of joint to look at her.
When he'd finished, she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a . . .well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret."
The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, my husband is a kind, decent man and he has a certain physical weakness, a certain disability, and now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "
The repairman could hardly speak when he said, "Yes; yes!"
"And I've been wanting to do it ever since you came in the door..."
"Yes; yes!"
She continued, "Would you help me move the refrigerator?"

 

[Peter C]

[secondjag]

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he has a bright orange penis. The doctor takes a look and sure enough, the man's penis is bright orange.
The doctor asks the man about his daily habits to see if he could get a clue about the cause of the malady.
The man says, "My day is pretty normal. I get up in the morning and go to work. My work is at a desk in an office so I don't come into contact with any strange chemicals. I come home after work, make myself dinner, watch a little TV then get ready for bed."
The doctor asks, "Do you do anything before bed?"
The man says, "Nothing unusual, I just eat Cheetos and surf the web."

 

An old man was once on the subway, and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he asked, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"
The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered, "I wear this collar because I am a Father."
The older gent thought a second and responded, "Sir, I am also a father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"
The priest thought for a minute and said, "Sir, I am the Father for many."
The older fellow quickly answered, "I too am the father of many. I have five sons, six daughters and too many grandchildren to count... But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?"
The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out, "Sir, I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people."
Now the kindly old gentleman was stunned and sat silently for a long time.
As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Well, sonny, perhaps, it's your pants you should wear backwards."

 

 

[secondjag]

[Peter C]

"Support Our Troops" always reminds of the time my wife Debbie went away for a week with a widowed friend of ours, Teresa, who was visiting her brother in Essex here in the UK.

On the Wednesday evening Teresa and Debbie ventured into Colchester, a town with an army barracks, and went by chance into a pub frequented by soldiers. They were soon both being chatted up by two guys from the 2nd Parachute Regiment, despite them both being in their 40s and with wedding rings on their fingers. 31 year old Jim went after Teresa, whilst my wife, at the age of 44 with a husband and 4 kids at home, was hit on by 25 year old Clark. 

After several drinks the men suggested the women go back to the barracks with them for the night. Teresa was widowed and up for it, but shocked by Debbie readily agreeing to it too. "What about Pete?", she inquired whilst the guys were out of earshot. "It's fine", Debbie replied. "He likes it. I'll tell him" and off the four went.

The women had to show ID to get into the barracks and no doubt the guards smiling knowingly as they saw the "Mrs" on Debbie's bus pass. Paired off in separate rooms, Debbie told me how her and Clark soon heard Jim and Teresa getting down to business and very quickly her young para had my wife naked in his bed. 

I think they fucked twice that night and again in the morning and both Debbie and Teresa went back for more the next night and the night after. Debbie definitely came back very contented, with a smile on her face and a spring in her step. She loved young cock.

[secondjag]

11 hours ago, Peter C said:

"Support Our Troops" always reminds of the time my wife Debbie went away for a week with a widowed friend of ours, Teresa, who was visiting her brother in Essex here in the UK.

On the Wednesday evening Teresa and Debbie ventured into Colchester, a town with an army barracks, and went by chance into a pub frequented by soldiers. They were soon both being chatted up by two guys from the 2nd Parachute Regiment, despite them both being in their 40s and with wedding rings on their fingers. 31 year old Jim went after Teresa, whilst my wife, at the age of 44 with a husband and 4 kids at home, was hit on by 25 year old Clark. 

After several drinks the men suggested the women go back to the barracks with them for the night. Teresa was widowed and up for it, but shocked by Debbie readily agreeing to it too. "What about Pete?", she inquired whilst the guys were out of earshot. "It's fine", Debbie replied. "He likes it. I'll tell him" and off the four went.

The women had to show ID to get into the barracks and no doubt the guards smiling knowingly as they saw the "Mrs" on Debbie's bus pass. Paired off in separate rooms, Debbie told me how her and Clark soon heard Jim and Teresa getting down to business and very quickly her young para had my wife naked in his bed. 

I think they fucked twice that night and again in the morning and both Debbie and Teresa went back for more the next night and the night after. Debbie definitely came back very contented, with a smile on her face and a spring in her step. She loved young cock.

Love it Peter.

A girl says to her boyfriend, "I read a study that said 90 percent of all men masturbate in the shower and the other 10 percent sing."
"Really?" said the boyfriend.
"Yes," said the girlfriend, "and do you know what song they sing?"
"No," replied the boyfriend.
"I didn't think so," she said.

Two friends were discussing the public trend towards more traditional family values, sex, marriage, etc. Ralph said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married, did you?" "I'm not sure" said the friend, "What was her maiden name?"

A guy races into the men's toilet, burns up to the urinal, whips out his twelve inch dick and says with a sigh of relief, "Phew, just made it." The guy next to him looks over and says, "No Shit! Can you make me one, too?"

Having often times spent lavishly to take a woman to dinner and out for an evening's entertainment, only to be rebuffed in his advances, Pete decided to cut out the frustration and spend his money on a sure thing.
Henceforth, he would employ the services of professionals -- yes, I do mean hookers -- and insure that, even though romance would be absent, the desired sexual outcome would be guaranteed.
Pete never goes out on dates anymore. He depends totally on the services of pros for his satisfaction.
What do you call such a man?
A buysexual.

A girl says to her date, "You're in for a real treat. I've been told that I have a body like New Jersey."
So, her date grabs her waist and asks, "What's  this?"
She replies "Middlesex."
He grabs her butt and asks "what's  this?"
She replies, "Freehold."
Then he grabs her breast and asks "what's  this?"
She replies, "Point Pleasant."
Finally, he reaches between her  thighs and says, "I guess this is Cherry Hill?"
"No", she replies, "That's  Eatontown."
The guy gets so excited that he pulls down his pants and says,  "Welcome to Wildwood!"

An old guy comes home unexpectedly in the middle of the day, and finds his young blonde wife standing in the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string  and 7-inch steel heels. The whole apartment is flooded.
"What happened here?" he asks.
"I think the waterbed busted," says the trembling wife.
Just then a naked guy floats by.
"Who's that?" demands the husband.
"I dunno. Must be a lifeguard."

 

[Peter C]

9 hours ago, secondjag said:

Love it Peter.

So did Debbie! After her young paratrooper had done a stint in Afghanistan his regiment was re-located to Windsor and my wife went there for a week, on her own this time. I paid for her to stay in a hotel and Clark paid her regular visits. She returned home well fucked, just in time for the birth of our grandson. She was glowing when I met her off her coach, that contented smile and spring in her step evident yet again.

I asked her later in bed if Clark, being half my age, was better in bed than me. With no hesitation Debbie replied, "Oh yes. He's much better in bed than you" and I shot my load on her belly involuntarily which kinda proved her point I guess.

[secondjag]

18 minutes ago, Peter C said:

So did Debbie! After her young paratrooper had done a stint in Afghanistan his regiment was re-located to Windsor and my wife went there for a week, on her own this time. I paid for her to stay in a hotel and Clark paid her regular visits. She returned home well fucked, just in time for the birth of our grandson. She was glowing when I met her off her coach, that contented smile and spring in her step evident yet again.

I asked her later in bed if Clark, being half my age, was better in bed than me. With no hesitation Debbie replied, "Oh yes. He's much better in bed than you" and I shot my load on her belly involuntarily which kinda proved her point I guess.

Damn Peter, I'm almost thinking you should write a book on the subject.  Maybe include interviews with others.

[secondjag]

One of two gays who were living together fell in love with the handsome young doctor across the street.
"I'd just love to meet him," said one gay to his roommate, "if you have no objections. But I don't know how to go about it."
"I don't mind, sweets. Have your fling. Just pose as one of his patients."
So the first one went to the doctor's office the next day and said his name was Smith.
"What's your problem, Mr. Smith?" the doctor asked.
"Oh, Doctor, I have such a terrible pain in my rectum."
"Let's have a look," said the doctor. "Take off your trousers."
The doctor parted his cheeks and looked up inside with a flashlight.
"Holy smoke!" the doctor exclaimed. "No wonder you have pains. Do you realize that you have one dozen roses up in there?"
"Never mind the roses," the patient said. "Just read the card!"

An attractive lady is waiting in the emergency room.
A doctor walks in to her room and asks her "What is the problem ma'am?"
The lady replies," Doctor, I have been having trouble with my asshole, it hurts really bad."
The doctor tells the woman, "Why don't you lay on your stomach so I can take a look at it, OK?"
So, the woman turns over and the doctor begins to examine her rear end.
After a while, the doctor asks the young lady, "Ma'am, have you had anal sex lately?"
The lady replies, "No, why?"
The doctor then says, "Would you like to?"

 

[secondjag]

One Sunday morning, a young woman, who needed forgiveness for her sins, came to a Baptist church.
She got up in front of the congregation and stated, "Last week, I slept with a young soldier who picked me up at a bar and now I ask the Lord's forgiveness."
"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation.
She continued, "Two days ago, I slept with a young sailor, but now I ask the Lord's forgiveness."
"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation again.
"But tonight, because I have come here and done my penance, I will sleep with the Lord," she finished.
But before the congregation could respond, an old drunk in the back yelled out in a clear voice, "That's right, Momma, fuck 'em all!"

A blonde wife shows her husband a silk handkerchief and asks him, "Doesn't this belong to your secretary?" "Where did you find that?" he stutters. "I didn't," she answers. "The mailman found it on your night-stand."

A young wife was at home waiting for her husband to get off work when the doorbell rang. It was the Fuller Brush Man with her order from the week before. She told him, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom."
They made their way back to the bedroom and started fucking. About the time that the Fuller Brush Man popped his nuts, there was a knock on the door. The wife said, "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be my husband!"
The guy crawled underneath the bed and the wife went to the door. It was the delivery boy from the grocery store with her grocery order. She said, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom."
Again, while the wife was fucking the delivery boy and he was cumming, the doorbell rang. The wife exclaimed, "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be my husband!" So he crawled under the bed.
At the door, it was the delivery boy from the drug store with her order. She said, "I don't have any money, but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom." They started fucking and just when the boy shot his wad, there was another knock on the door.
It was the insurance man who had come to collect the weekly payment. The wife said, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom."
They went back to the bedroom and starting getting it on and had just finished when the doorbell rang. "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be my husband!", said the wife. So, he got underneath the bed.
At the door was the coal truck driver with a load of coal for the furnace. He was a black man, unlike the crackers before him. The wife told him, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom".
They went back to the bedroom and consummated the agreement the wife had made. While the coal man was getting off, the doorbell rang again. The wife said, "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be my husband!"
She went to the door, sweaty and smelly and cum dripping from her cooze, and this time it WAS her husband. He came in and sniffed the funky smells in the air, and shouted at her, "Damn you! You been fuckin' somebody else again! I told you I was gonna pull all the hairs out of your cunt, one by one, if I ever caught you fuckin' again. Back to the bedroom and lay on the bed, bitch!"
They went to the bedroom and he threw her on the bed and started pulling hairs out of her pussy. As we know, it was pretty crowded underneath the bed but the ones who were there remained silent while the wife screamed at each pull of a hair. The husband finally had pulled all the hairs out except for one. He just couldn't get the last hair pulled out and he screamed, "Come on out of there, you kinky curly little bastard!"
With that, the coal driver stuck his head out from under the bed and said, "Hey, there are four white gentlemans before me."

 

 

[secondjag]

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach.
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger ‘things’ than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is.'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother, 'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door.
One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust line forty-four."
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions.
Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my pecker touch the floor!"
Again, there's a bright flash... and his legs fall off.

 

[Peter C]

[secondjag]

The teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Kevin says, "I wanna start out as an airline Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and a no limit Visa Card."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply try to recover with the lesson.

She then turned to her left, and said, "And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Kevin's hooker."

Betty: I had to give up drinking because of my legs.

Mary: Why? Do they swell?

Betty: No. They spread.

Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn?
She woke up with a kernel between her legs

 

A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, “You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:

BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,

BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,

BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
'From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3, We are going to make love all night.”
The next night he came home from work and yelled “BELL 1!”  The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled “BELL 2!”, the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled “BELL 3!”, they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled “BELL 4!”
“What the hell is BELL 4?” asked the husband.
“ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,” she shouted. “YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.!”

 

[secondjag]

A man stumbled into a bar and said to the bartender, “Wow, was I drunk last night.”
The Bartender said, “You sure were.”
The man then said, “I gotta tell you what happened. Walking home I found a woman tied to the train tracks. So, I took her home and we had sex.
First I was on top. Then she was on top, and for hours we had sex in every position you can think of. It was unbelievable.”
The bartender was amazed. “Sounds like you had a great time. What did she look like?”
The man thought a moment. “I really don’t know. I never found her head.

 

[secondjag]

Fred and Jim are having a quiet beer one night when Fred announces that he's going to divorce his wife.
"Good grief" says Jim, "You and Sue are the happiest couple I know - why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of obvious bliss?"
"Well" replies Fred, "Truth be known I'm just bored with pokin' the same hole night after night after night. I guess I'm hankerin' for a bit of variety."
Jim: "Well if you want variety, why don't you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?"
Fred: "What! And have a house full of kids!???"

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong.
"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of long standing, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"
At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???

 

[secondjag]

A well-dressed man approached a voluptuously beautiful young woman on the street and said, "Would you have sex with me for a million dollars?"
"For a MILLION dollars?!" she replied, more than a little stunned, "Of course I would!"
"Well, would you sleep with me for twenty-five dollars?"
"Twenty-five dollars? Don't be ridiculous! What kind of girl do you take me for, anyway?"
"We've already established what kind of girl you are... now we're just haggling over price."

 

Q. What do you call a female clone?
A. A clunt.

 A bachelor has no belly because when he opens a fridge he thinks, "Fuck it, the same again!" and then goes to the bed. A married man has belly because when he comes to the bed he thinks, "Fuck it, the same again!" and then goes and opens the fridge.    

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam
The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.
When the man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were items on a stand next to the doctor's desk.
1. A tube of K-Y jelly
2. A rubber glove
3. A beer
When the doctor finally came in, the man said "Look Doc I'm a little confused. This is my first exam I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"
At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse........
"Dammit, Helen! I said A BUTT LIGHT"

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.
She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. She says angrily, "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home!"
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch.
Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today -- this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."