Umm

[secondjag]

At a couples’ retreat, Sam and Anni were told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.' 

Anni wrote: 'When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree, and that they respect each other very much, just like Sam and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act physical sex with one another.'

And Sam wrote: 'I love sex.'

Mr. Cadbury and Ms. Rowntree went off for the weekend.
It was After Eight. She was from Quality Street and he was a Fisherman’s Friend. On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar. He had a Rum and Butter and she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name. She said Polo, I'm the one with the hole. But I'm the one with the Nuts he thought.
Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in and went straight to the bedroom. Mr. Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt the contrast of her Double Deckers.
Then he showed her his Curly Wurly. But Ms. Rowntree wasn't keen as she already had a few Jelly Babies, So, she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge nudging. It was a Magic Moment as she let out of scream of Turkish Delight. When he came out his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.
She wanted more, but he decided to take a Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. So, he did a Twirl and had a Picnic in her Sherbert. At the same time he gave her a Gob Stopper. Unfortunately, Mr. Cadbury had to go home to his wife Caramel.
Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D. It turns out Ms. Rowntree had a Box of Assorted Creams. She really had been with All Sorts.

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.
"I do what you say, and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

 

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

A mortician was laying out the body of a man with an unbelievably long penis.
He called in his receptionist to show her.
She took one look and said, "It's just like my husband's penis."
"Wow, you mean he's got one that long?" the mortician asked.
"No," she replied. "That dead."

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.
The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner.
So, that night at dinner, she does. About a week later she's back at the doctor. She says, "Doc, the pill worked great!! I put it in the potatoes as you said! It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravages me right on the table!"
The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
"Naah," she says, "that's okay. We aren't going back to Beefeater's anyway."

 

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex.

The mother is going up and down on the father, and when she sees her looking at them she immediately stops.

“What are you doing, Mommy?”

The mother is too embarrassed to tell her little girl about sex, so, she makes up an answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”

The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”

The mother has a confused look on her face. “Why do you say that sweetheart?”

The little girl replies, “Because mommy, every time you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

 

[secondjag]

One night, the waitress in a bar was a bit unsettled that a strange looking man who sat quietly drinking at the bar always seemed to be looking at her intently. Finally, he got up enough nerve to speak to her.
"You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I do hope you don't mind my looking at you."
She told him she would rather he didn't look so hard, and that she didn't consider herself that special.
"Well, you see I am from a far-away planet, sent here to observe some things here and I have to go back tonight. So, you see, I really haven't seen anyone like you before. Please just let me look."
So she said ok, although she thought he was a little nuts. He did mind his manners, didn't get drunk, and just sat quietly looking.
When it was time to close the bar, he prepared to leave, then walked back to the waitress.
"I know this is strange, but would you please let me see your tits? I've never seen anything like this and it would mean so very much to me if I could go home and tell of my friends all about you."
Since everyone but the owner had left and he was in the back room, she finally gave in and unbuttoned her blouse and pulled her tits out of her bra.
"Oh my goodness, that is wonderful! Thank you! Thank you!  You don't know how much this means to me!"

When she started to gather her clothes around her again, he asked shyly, "Please, please, let me just touch your tits. It would mean so much to me to be able to tell all the guys about how wonderful you are."
After a little consideration, she allowed him to touch. He was very gentle and she was beginning to get stirred up by this alien. Then he asked her if she would allow him to make love to her.
Since she was beginning to fancy that notion, she agreed right away. To her surprise, however, he placed his right forefinger in the middle of her forehead quite firmly. As he did so, she could see the passion on his face and he called out, "Aah, ahh, aaaahhhhh."
Then he took his finger from her forehead.

Astonished, she asked him if he'd like to do it again.
Looking at his curled-up forefinger, he replied, "Yes, but I'll have to wait a little while."

 

[cucksean]

1 hour ago, secondjag said:

One night, the waitress in a bar was a bit unsettled that a strange looking man who sat quietly drinking at the bar always seemed to be looking at her intently. Finally, he got up enough nerve to speak to her.
"You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I do hope you don't mind my looking at you."
She told him she would rather he didn't look so hard, and that she didn't consider herself that special.
"Well, you see I am from a far-away planet, sent here to observe some things here and I have to go back tonight. So, you see, I really haven't seen anyone like you before. Please just let me look."
So she said ok, although she thought he was a little nuts. He did mind his manners, didn't get drunk, and just sat quietly looking.
When it was time to close the bar, he prepared to leave, then walked back to the waitress.
"I know this is strange, but would you please let me see your tits? I've never seen anything like this and it would mean so very much to me if I could go home and tell of my friends all about you."
Since everyone but the owner had left and he was in the back room, she finally gave in and unbuttoned her blouse and pulled her tits out of her bra.
"Oh my goodness, that is wonderful! Thank you! Thank you!  You don't know how much this means to me!"

When she started to gather her clothes around her again, he asked shyly, "Please, please, let me just touch your tits. It would mean so much to me to be able to tell all the guys about how wonderful you are."
After a little consideration, she allowed him to touch. He was very gentle and she was beginning to get stirred up by this alien. Then he asked her if she would allow him to make love to her.
Since she was beginning to fancy that notion, she agreed right away. To her surprise, however, he placed his right forefinger in the middle of her forehead quite firmly. As he did so, she could see the passion on his face and he called out, "Aah, ahh, aaaahhhhh."
Then he took his finger from her forehead.

Astonished, she asked him if he'd like to do it again.
Looking at his curled-up forefinger, he replied, "Yes, but I'll have to wait a little while."

 

Thanks Jag!

[secondjag]

Three Old Ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the greengrocers and demonstrated with her hands. the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny
The second old lady nodded, adding that the onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, she demonstrated the size of the two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying. But I can remember the guy you are talking about."

There was nothing to do on this Thursday night, so the two co-eds were just hanging around the apartment.
Brenda, who was dressed in only a in bra and panties, was jiggling back and forth around their place doing some chores.
Abby, who was sitting on the bed, decided this was the night that she would reveal her secret to her roommate.
"Take a break," Abby said to her friend. "Come over here and sit down."
As soon as Brenda sat on the bed, Abby leaned over and kissed her full on the lips.
"I've always wanted to tell you something," Abby said. "It's kinda hard to say this... Well, let me be frank."
Brenda leaned toward her friend and said in a sexually husky voice, "No darling... Let me be Frank."

 

[secondjag]

A female truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper.
The patrolman told her to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in her mouth as she stepped out of the cab.
Figuring that the driver was putting away her pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow something?"
"Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver.
"Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman.
"Yep, when I saw your flashing light, I knew I was gonna get fucked."

A typical family of hillbillies, Paw, Maw, Jethro, and little Sally.
One day, Jethro asked, "Paw, what is Sex?"
Paw says, "Since you are a big boy, I will show you."
Paw hollers, "Maw get yourself in here!" Paw then says, "Maw, take your clothes off and get on the bed. Now spread your legs."
Paw says, "Jethro see that thar little hole? Now watch this!"
In the midst of Paw's demonstration Little Sally comes in and exclaims, "What is going on? "
Jethro answers, "Paw is teaching me about sex."
Little Sally asks, "What is Sex?"
Jethro replies, "See that little hole on Paw? Now watch this!"

 

[secondjag]

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Englishman says: " I was cleaning my 's room the other day, and I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes!
The Scotsman says: "That's nothing. I was cleaning my 's room the other days when I found a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank!"
With that the Irishman says: "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my 's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy!"

 

When his son refused to get a job, his father insisted he join the Army.

At the induction physical, the Army doctor directed the reluctant recruit to read the eye chart across the room.
"What chart?" the young man asked.
"The one on the wall!" the doctor said.
"What wall?"
Sensing he had a deadbeat on his hands, the doctor asked his beautiful nurse to walk in naked.
"What do you see now?"
"Nothing."
"Well, you may not see anything," the doctor said," but your indicator is pointing toward Ft. Leonardwood! Welcome to the Army, son."

 

 

[secondjag]

Maurice comes home one day to find his wife, Hannah, an English teacher, in bed with his best friend. "Darling," Maurice cries, "how could you? After all the years we've been together, I come home from work to find you like this. I am surprised!" "No, no, my dear," says Hannah, "you are amazed. I am surprised."

There was a young girl in Berlin
Who eeked out a living through sin.
She didn't mind fucking,
But much preferred sucking,
And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.

 

Two elderly ladies, Connie and Evelyn, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The short one, Connie, leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!"
"You're on!" said Evelyn, holding up a $10 bill.
So Connie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes, and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
Finally, the smiling Connie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
"What happened?" asked Evelyn
"I won $500 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'!"

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in.
She was shocked to see her -in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the -in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the -in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said.

 

[cucksean]

39 minutes ago, secondjag said:

Maurice comes home one day to find his wife, Hannah, an English teacher, in bed with his best friend. "Darling," Maurice cries, "how could you? After all the years we've been together, I come home from work to find you like this. I am surprised!" "No, no, my dear," says Hannah, "you are amazed. I am surprised."

There was a young girl in Berlin
Who eeked out a living through sin.
She didn't mind fucking,
But much preferred sucking,
And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.

 

Two elderly ladies, Connie and Evelyn, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The short one, Connie, leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!"
"You're on!" said Evelyn, holding up a $10 bill.
So Connie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes, and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
Finally, the smiling Connie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
"What happened?" asked Evelyn
"I won $500 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'!"

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in.
She was shocked to see her -in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the -in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the -in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said.

 

Jag you are awesome thank you!!

[secondjag]

A man and his wife had a terrible argument after breakfast. 

He ended by shouting, “You’re no good in bed, either!”

He then stormed off to work.

By mid-morning, he decided he needed to apologize and make amends, so he called her on the telephone.

It took her a very long time to answer. When she finally answered breathlessly, he asked her what took so long.

She said, “I was in bed.”

“What were you doing in bed for so long?”
“I was getting a second opinion.”

A man and his wife had a terrible argument after breakfast. 

He ended by shouting, “You’re no good in bed, either!”

He then stormed off to work.

By mid-morning, he decided he needed to apologize and make amends, so he called her on the telephone.

It took her a very long time to answer. When she finally answered breathlessly, he asked her what took so long.

She said, “I was in bed.”

“What were you doing in bed for so long?”
“I was getting a second opinion.”

A Swiss scientist has invented a new bra. It offers more support which will prevent a woman's breasts from bouncing around, and will keep her nipples hidden; even in cold temperatures. After announcing his invention, the scientist was taken outside where a large group of men beat the crap out of him.

 

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbucks one day discussing who had the superior culture.

 

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That may be true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"

 

 

[secondjag]

Paul was shopping the other day and found himself face to face with a drop-dead gorgeous woman.
He couldn't help but just stare at her, so much so that his mouth dropped open and he was almost drooling.
The woman caught him staring and suspected he wasn't just admiring her outfit.
She said, "Are you often troubled by indecent thoughts?"
Paul replied, "No, ma'am. Actually, to be honest, I rather enjoy them."

 

A sheep farmer made his monthly journey into town to buy supplies.
While loading up his pickup, he spotted one of the girls who worked at the bordello watching him.
"Say, honey," he asked, "what's the going rate these days?"
"Hundred bucks," she replied.
"If every man raised sheep, we wouldn't need you women," he exclaimed with disgust.
"Yeah," she said, "and if vibrators could cut the grass, we wouldn't need you men, either."

A grade school teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my grandfather's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating.'
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'.
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.'

 

[Peter C]

That was my wife Debbie before and after she'd accepted an invitation to go to my ex-workmate's house whilst his wife was out. Mick and I had never particularly got on, but he'd been after Debbie's pussy for years and finally succeeded in getting her into bed.

When she came home it was clear that he'd fucked her hard, maybe amused that he was finally getting one over on me by fucking my wife or perhaps punishing her for making him wait so long. She liked it so much they fucked on and off for the next 2-3 years until he moved away with another wife he'd been servicing.

[secondjag]

The Lord of the manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a bit earlier than expected.

He entered the master bedroom to change, and found her Ladyship making passionate love to Sir Archibald Carpley.

The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her infidelity. With thunder in his voice, he reminded her that he had taken her from a miserable existence on a local run-down farm, given her a fine home, provided her with servants, expensive clothes and jewels, and almost anything she desired.

By this time the woman was crying inconsolably, his Lordship then turned his wrath on his supposed friend: “And as for you Archie — you might at least stop while I’m talking!”

A Scotsman, an Italian and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, tis a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Edinburgh, there's a better one.
At MacDougal's, ye buy a drink, ye buy another drink and MacDougal himself will buy yir third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, datsa nice bar, but where I comma from, dere's a better one. Inna Roma, dere's dis place, Vincenzo's.
At Vincenzo's, you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vincenzo buys you anudda drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "And you think that's great? Where Oi come from in Dublin, there's this wee pub called Morphy's.
At Morphy's, they boy you your forst drink, they boy you your second drink, they boy you your tird drink and then they take you in back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," says the Irish guy, "The truth is it happened to me sister!"

A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university.
"Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend."
"I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got really sore."

A woman who is uncomfortable watching a guy masturbate:
   a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
   b) Is uptight and a waste of time.

A couple checked into the famous Breakers Hotel in Palm Beach.
After a day of drinking and golf, mostly drinking, the man returned to his luxury suite one night to find his girlfriend lying naked in bed.
His eyes went wide and he began to strip, only to stop suddenly when he saw a cigar in the ashtray beside the bed. 
"All right," he demanded, "I'll kill you unless you tell me where the cigar came from!"
A muffled voice came from under the bed, "Havana."

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his Grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half; but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.
He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his Grandmother's' eyesight is. He hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother.
It says:

 Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style. It makes your nose look short.
Love, Gramma

 

[secondjag]

A young couple in love finally got all approvals and set their wedding date.
The frisky bride-to-be cuddles up to her fiancée and said, "Darling, you know I want to fulfill this fantasy of mine to make love before we get married. Could we?"
"But it's not long until June, dear," the cautious groom-to-be replied.
"Oh," she exclaimed. "And how long will it be in June, you think?"

 

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean." She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue, and broke his finger!"

A young couple is on their honeymoon. After start having great sex, he says, "Now you won't see me for a while." "We're on our honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where the heck do YOU think you're going?" "Nowhere, sweetheart," he says. "Turn over."

What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE CURTAIN?
When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY..... it is SHOWTIME!

A young girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself.
Since she was very good- looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her.
Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off."
So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her.
She asked him,
"What will our baby be called?"
The boy found some excuse and disappeared.
Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders...
She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.
Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him,
"What will our baby be called?"
He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off.
"What will our baby be called?" she asked once more.
He began to have sex with her.
"What will our baby be called?!" she asked again.
After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... David Copperfield!"

 

[secondjag]

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six", despite her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home now, 'Mother of six?’”

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, “Anytime you're ready, Father of four.”

My ex-BF tried to hhhhhhhhh me by telling all his friends that I was lousy in bed. Imagine his surprise when they all disagreed.

The was an old woman from Kent
Who went to a football event.
She sat near the goal,
And opened her hole.
One guess as to where the ball went?

A young man went into a sex shop to buy some condoms, and a sales girl approached him.
Sales girl: Can I help you, Sir?
Young man: Yes, I want to buy some condoms.
Sales girl: What size do you need, Sir?
Young man: I didn't realize they came in different sizes. I don't know what size I would need.
Sales girl: May I hold your penis to tell what size you would need? As she was holding the penis, she called for assistance: "Give me a SMALL one... Wait! Make it MEDIUM...Wait! Make it LARGE... Shit! Give me a TISSUE !!!"

Michael had a blind date with Sandra for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her.
After some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, do you object to making love?"
"That is something I have never done before," Sandra replied.
"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Michael was amazed.
"No, silly!" Sandra giggled. "I've never objected!"

 

A young woman goes out drinking one night, something that she normally doesn't do, and she gets really plastered! The next morning she rolls over and discovers there is an elephant in bed with her!  She looks at the elephant and says, "Oh no, I must have been really tight last night!" The elephant looks at her and waves his trunk a little and says, "Only the first time."

There was a young gigolo named Bruno
Who said, "Screwing's one thing I do know.
While women are fine,
And sheep are divine,
But Lama's are numero uno!"

There was a small bakery shop in a town that had a very attractive female clerk. It became known throughout the town that the pretty woman didn't like to wear panties under her skirt while on duty as the clerk at the bakery.
Men would come in to the store, all day long to buy a loaf of raisin bread. When they requested raisin bread, the clerk would have to climb a ladder to reach the bread on a high shelf behind the counter which revealed quite a show for the male customers.
As the day grew longer, the lady became quite exhausted from climbing the ladder to fetch raisin bread. Just as she was on the ladder retrieving another loaf of raisin bread for a customer, an elderly gentleman walked into the bakery to purchase bread.
The clerk shouted down to the old man, who was pretending not to be looking up, and asked, "Sir, I'll bet yours is raisin, too?"
The old gentleman replied, "No it isn't, but it is sure startin' to twitch some."

 

[secondjag]

A young woman, feeling morning dizziness and strange cravings, goes to see a gynecologist.
After a thorough examination, the Doctor tells her:
"Well, my dear, I am puzzled; the test shows that you are pregnant, but when I examined you, I found that you are still a virgin.
I mean, your hymen is not ruptured, except for seven tiny holes, a little more that pinpricks, actually.... by the way, what did you say your name was?"
"My name is Snow White," replies the girl.

 

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

After an all-night party a hung over young gay guy is feeling very sore in the posterior.
Going to his proctologist, he's surprised when the doctor announces, "Young man, did you know that you have a dozen roses up here?" Turning excitedly, the gay cried, "Oooh . . .read the card! Read the card!"  

What's the definition of a good salesman?
A really great salesman is one who can actually make his wife feel sorry for the girl who lost her panties and bra in his car.

"Adam," the heavenly voice called to the Garden of Eden, "what did you and Eve do today?"
"We ate some fruit, Lord," Adam said reverently.
"Did you eat of the forbidden tree?" asked God.
"Yes, Lord, we did," Adam confessed.
"And then what did you do?" God asked.
"We had mad, wild, and passionate sex all afternoon."
"Where is Eve now?" the Lord bellowed.
"She's down at the brook washing herself out."
"Oh, NO," the Lord moaned." Now all my fish are going to smell like PUSSY!"

 

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."
That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband.

He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."
The next day, Mrs.Schmidlap asks the girl and the two of them go into the bedroom and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"

So, Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her.
That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."
Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."

[secondjag]

A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar. He spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.
"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it; you'll catch on again fast."
Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."

There was a young man from Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born.
He wouldn't have been,
If his father has seen
That the tip of his condom was torn.

After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting in the doctor's office for the results.
"Well," said the doctor, "I have good news and bad news for you."
"The way I feel, please give me the good news first," replied the bachelor.
"The good news," announced the doctor, "is that your penis has grown an additional four inches since your last exam."
"Great!" the man shouted, "What is the bad news?"
"It's malignant," replied the doctor

After several years of serving the church in a far-away land, a priest is requested to report to his new assignment at a church in the South Bronx, New York.
Upon his arrival he set out immediately to learn the new culture by taking a walk down the street in plain clothes.
On his way a loose looking woman approaches him and in a lowered voice says, "Hey Buddy... blow job 25 bucks."
The priest glares at her confused and says "What's a blow job?..."
The woman is just as confused and says "What are you a comedian!" and walks off.
The priest undaunted walks on to the next block and again another seedy looking woman confronts him and again repeats, "Hey mister blow job 25 bucks."
The priest quickly replies "What is this blow job!?"
The woman looks at him surprised and thinking something's wrong hurries off.
The priest now very curious returns to the church to ask anyone he can find what exactly this thing he's never heard of is.
The first door he sees as he enters the church is that of Mother Superior.
The priest knocks on the door and Mother Superior invites him in to take a seat.
The priest looks at Mother Superior and says "I have a question - What is a blow job?"
Mother Superior quickly goes to shut the door and upon returning to her seat she replies in a whisper....
 "Same as on the outside.... 25 Bucks.... "

[secondjag]

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his 1^st-year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting or playing golf with his buddies."

There was a young man from Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born,
And he wouldn't have been,
If his father has seen
That the tip of his condom was torn.

After the end of the Finnish war, a young female reporter from a British newspaper was sent to Finland to write an article about the soldiers homecoming.
She had interviewed half a dozen, when she met Pekka on the street.
"Excuse me," she said, "were you in the war?"
"Yah, I was in the infantry."
"Would you mind answering a few questions for a newspaper article?"
"Nej, I wouldn't mind at all."
"When you came home, when the war was over, what was the first thing you did?"
"I fucked my wife," Pekka said bluntly.
The journalist went crimson, and tried desperately to change the subject.
"After that, I mean. What did you do after that?"
"I fucked her again," he answered.
The journalist turned an even darker shade of red. "Other than that! Uh - what did you do when you were finished with all that?"
"Then I took off my skis and my heavy backpack, and ate."  

Alex was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen.
One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the TV.
"Hey," Alex shouted, "what do you think you are doing?"
"I'm sick of sports, I'm sick of TV," she replied. "You haven't touched me in months. We're going to talk about sex right now!"
"OK, OK. So," he asked after a moment, "how often do you think David Beckham gets laid?"

[secondjag]

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin' on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me pants."
"Oh Angus... I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin' ya with it."
About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling, and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.
Walking back in the door with a blacked eye and a bloody nose comes Angus.
The little lady looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"
"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did. Everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in..."

 

After the wedding [at the reception], the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.
So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope.
He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "Fuck you!"
Then he turned to his bride and said, "Fuck you!"
Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outa here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge: making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends........$32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion.......................$3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui...................$8,500.

The look on everyone’s face: PRICELESS!

 

[secondjag]

The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment.

The fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me, do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"

"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish, but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches!”

A woman is very distressed because she has not been married  very long, and yet her husband has lost interest in having sex.
So, she goes to see her doctor, and relays the problem.
The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts.
The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him. 
He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report. A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.
"He's dead," she replies.
"Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"
The woman replied, "He was sitting on the driveway licking his balls, and I backed over him with the car."

btw, side note; i, for one, wish those lions had found that prick dentist

 

[secondjag]

Mike picked up an attractive woman [named Linda], who flagged down his car in a seedy part of town.
As they rode, he asked her what she did for a living.
Linda winked at Mike and said, "I'm a magician."
"No way," Mike scoffed. "Prove it."
So Linda touched him on the thigh; and 'Poof', Mike turned into a hotel.

Q. What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A. Kermit's Finger

 Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

A blonde enters a sex shop and asks for a vibrator. The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says, "I'll take the red one." The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."

 

[secondjag]

 

 

[secondjag]

A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for Rosh Hashanah, and invites her to come along.

The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is this the holiday when   you light the candles?" "No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Hannukah."  
The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, "Is that when you eat unleavened bread?"  
"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the shofar."  
The Catholic girl replies, "That's what I like about you Jews, you're so good to your help.

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that." says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." You can't go there, "says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!

[secondjag]

Morris was screwing his best friend's wife one afternoon, when he suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands.
"What the hell is your problem?" the lady asked.

"I feel like a regular son of a bitch, getting my best friend's pussy," the man moaned.

The lady reached over and patted him on the back.

"Well, if that's all it is, you can stop worrying," she said.

You're not getting his pussy...."His pussy is three inches deeper."

 

Simply wanted to keep things discrete,  

So I hid myself under the sheet.  

Out of sight, undercover,  

'Tween the legs of my lover,  

I enjoyed what I found there to eat!

 There was an old maid from Luck,
Who took it into her head to fuck.
She was about to resign
'Till she hung out a sign:
"Come in, I've decided to suck."

An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father says to his youngest son, "Tony! Why you a such a fat a-boy?"
Tony says, "Poppa, it's a Mama's spaghetti! I can't a stop a-eating it."
Poppa says, "You should a take a-smaller bites!"
Then Poppa says to his middle son, "Michael! Why you a such a fat a-boy?"
Michael says, "Poppa, it's a Mama's lasagna. I can't a stop a-eating it, it's a-so good."
Poppa says, "You should a-also take a smaller bites."
Then Poppa says to his oldest son, "Fredo! How you a stay so slim a and a trim a?"
Fredo says, "It's a so easy, Poppa. I eat a lots and lots of a pussy."
Poppa says, "Pussy? Pussy, that's a-taste like shit!"
Fredo says, "Poppa, You should a take a-smaller bites!"  

Michael the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage.
Unfortunately, he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer her was 50¢ and a pair of sneakers.
She refused with disdain.
He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again.
Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road.
But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very  unresponsive and would probably just lie there passively.
He found Mable and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50¢ and the pair of sneakers for her services, but told him not to expect any kind of response from her.
Michael began the amorous act and after a few minutes was please to find an arm coming around his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling around his rear.
Michael, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charms."
"Don't worry about me, love," answered Mabel, "I'm just trying on the sneakers."