Umm

[secondjag]

The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment. The fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me -- do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?" "As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish,  but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches!"

At dinner, a little boy was forced to lead the family into prayer. But the little boy said: “But I don’t know how to pray.”

Dad: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbours, the poor,
etc
 

Little Boy: "Dear Lord" he started, "thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's Blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work. AMEN!"
Mom and Dad did not have dinner that evening.

A lovely young single girl was employed by a clothing firm in New York. She and her widowed mother shared the same ambition; marriage to a wealthy man. One day she returned from work, eyes red from crying.

As soon as she entered the apartment she cried out, “MAMA, I’m pregnant! Don’t get excited. The father is my boss.” She began to sob uncontrollably while her mother tried to console her.

The next morning, the mother charged into the office of the boss. “YOU,” she shouted, “What’s it going to be?”

The elegantly attired man, handsome and unmarried, and in his mid-thirties, held up his hand, “Please take a seat, Mrs. Howard. I’m making all the arrangements.  Your will have the best doctor money can buy before the baby is born. She’ll be in the best hospital. And afterward, I am arranging for a trust fund for her where she will receive a check for twenty-five hundred dollars a week.”

The mother was taken aback and thought for a moment. “Tell me,” she said, “God forbid, she should have a miscarriage, will you give her another chance?”

 

 

 

 

[secondjag]

The dull and desperate looking woman sat disconsolately in her attorney's office. "On what grounds do you want a divorce?" asked the lawyer.
On the grounds of extreme cruelty," she replied. "He wants sex every night, front and back, and he has a dick like a donkey's!  It hurts like buggery!"
The lawyer raised an eyebrow and said, "If that is the case, I will file your petition."
"File my petition? Pig's bloody arse you will!!! Let that bastard sandpaper his

A couple decided to go to Alaska for a romantic weekend.
When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place.
He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them.
So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood.
He came in after another 5 minutes and said "honey my hands are cold again."
So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them.
So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood.
5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, "Honey  my hands are cold again."
She then said, "Damn, don't your ears ever get cold?"

 

 

[secondjag]

Son: "Daddy, what does a vagina look like?"
Father: "Well son, it's like a very pretty, delicate flower that must be plucked very gently."
Son: "Well what does it look like after you pluck it?"
Father: "Like a bulldog with a mouthful of mayonnaise."

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter, and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies, "a Divorce Attorney."

Why are priests called father?

Because it’s too suspicious to call them daddy.

 

 

[secondjag]

Frannie went to the doctor, saying she had a problem with her aviaries.
The doctor said, "Frannie, you're being silly. You mean ovaries.
Aviaries are where you find birds."
Frannie shook her head and said she meant aviaries.
Not prepared to argue, the doctor told her to get on the couch for an inspection.
After a quick look, he said, "Well, Frannie, you're right! There's been a cockatoo in there, too."

An Irishman went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father,' he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You're forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irishman entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's.'
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes.'
 

A bloke is sat at a bar when he sees this gorgeous woman waiting for her date. He decides to go over and chat her up.
'I think you're wasting your time, I'm only interested in women' said the woman.
'Oh come on, I bet I can change your mind' said the bloke.
After ten minutes of the bloke pestering her, she had had enough.
'OK' said the woman 'I'll sleep with you if you can do anything for me that my vibrator can't!'
'OK, barman, get this lady a drink' he said. 'let's see your vibrator do that?'

 

[secondjag]

Doctor Watson was told by Sherlock Holmes' gardener that there was a doubtful looking schoolgirl in Holmes' bedroom.
Watson heard strange muffled sounds coming from the bedroom and, fearing that Holmes was danger, broke down the door to find Holmes and the girl indulging in a 69.
"Good God Holmes!" said Watson, "What kind of a schoolgirl is this?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson, Elementary."

 

[secondjag]

A little boy asks his dad, "What's between Mom's legs?"
The father answers, "Paradise, my son."
The kid asks again, "What's between your legs?"
The father replies, "The key to paradise."
The son says, "A piece of advice for you dad, change the lock, the neighbor has a copy!"

To test their willpower, a couple decided to give up sex for Lent.
The first two weeks weren't too bad. Things got tougher the next two weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightgown and ate garlic before bed.
But the final weeks were the worst. The wife started locking the bedroom door, forcing her husband to sleep on the couch.
Finally, Easter morning arrived, along with a knock on the bedroom door. "Guess who?" he cried.
"I know who!" she responded.
"Guess what I want?" he asked.
"I KNOW what you want!" she exclaimed.
"Guess what I knocked with!?"

 

 

[secondjag]

Dave and Bill are out drinking at the bar late one night.
Dave says, "Well, bud, I guess I better be going home."
"Yo man," Bill said, "what's your rush? Little woman got you by the short hairs on a short leash?"
"Hell no," Dave retorted, "I'm the boss in my house."
Then he said softly, "But she's the Director of Pussy."

One day a little Johnny was at school. In Social Studies class, his teacher was talking about people's last names, about how in the old days their last names used to indicate their occupations.
She gave examples like Baker, which meant he was a baker for a living; Miller meant that person worked in a paper mill, and so on.
Then little Johnny raised his hand, and the teacher said, "Do you have an example for the class?"
He said, "Not really, more of a question."
"Well, what's your question?" the teacher asked.
"Well," said little Johnny, "what did John Hancock do for a living?"

Dad was in the field plowing when he noticed Mary run into the barn.
A few seconds later, he saw Bruce run into the barn after her.
After about 20 minutes they still hadn't come out of the barn, so Dad decided to see what they were doing.
As he walked into the barn, he saw Bruce on top of Mary, and he was going to town. Dad thought to himself that dirty bastard and picked up a shovel and whacked Bruce on the arse with it. Bruce jumped up and ran outside.
Mary was still lying on the ground trying to cover up her modesty. Dad looked down at her and said, "I didn't think you had it in you, Mary."
"Neither did I, Dad," said Mary, "until you hit him on the arse with the shovel."

 

 

 

[secondjag]

"Sex education has its own special problems," an instructor in the field pointed out to me. "One of my students has become pregnant, and I don't know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit."

A man and a woman are nude in bed together. Man reading newspaper with headline: 
"Court rules same-sex couples can marry." 
Man: "It will make an absolute mockery of traditional marriage!" 
Woman: "That's just what my husband says." 

In an effort to capitalize on the lucrative birth control pill market, the Cadbury Candy Company partnered with the Merck Drug Company in an attempt to produce a mint flavored birth control pill that women could take immediately before sex.
They conducted extensive research over a number of years before they came upon the proper formulation. Once the pill was produced it entered lengthy trials to prove its effectiveness. And when that was complete they applied for and received FDA approval to market the pill.
The biggest problem was to come up with a catchy name for the birth control pills. If they were to be successful, the name had to appeal to a wide audience and also be descriptive of its purpose.
They assembled a team of some of the smartest marketing minds in the industry and lock them in a room. They were not to be released until they had come up with an acceptable name.
It was surprising, therefore, when the team came up with a name within an hour. When questioned, the team responded that it was really quite simple. The obvious name for this type of pill had to be: "Pre-Dick-A-Mints."

 

 

[secondjag]

Margaret decided she wanted to become a nurse.
Her first day at the hospital she was given several patients to bathe and change their beds.
Her instructor arrived in the room just in time to hear the male patient give a howl of pain.
The teacher took Margaret to one side and advised, "When we make the beds, we gently turn the patient to one side and push the sheets up against his back. We then roll him over on the other side and pull the sheets firm."

"Yes, ma'am," Margaret replied.
The instructor continued, "We do NOT pick him up by his penis and shove the sheets under his whole body."

George: My sex life is like my Maserati sprots car.

Fred: But, George, you don’t have a Maserati.

George: My point, exactly!

What's the definition of skyjacking?
A hand job at 32,000 feet.

This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please." A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

he was an old woman from Kent
Who went to a football event.
She sat near the goal
And opened her hole.
One guess as to where the football went?

The tool of a fellow called Randall
Shot sparks like a fine Roman candle.
His glorious stand
Produced colors quite grand,
But the girls found him too hot to handle.

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."
Now wipe that smile off your face.

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.
After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.
Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away. "There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."
"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."
"What about your husband? asked the model.
"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.
"Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."
That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model.
After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.
The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes.
Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her.
"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris.
"Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."
The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model.
As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.
Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area.
Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.
Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.
"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred.
"Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life.
But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"
"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."
"Yes, said Fred, I have, but the rest of the dart team hadn't."

The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: "How do you make it last an hour?"

 

 

 

 

 

[secondjag]

Doug and Bill were discussing the new secretary at their office.
Doug to Bill: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"
Two days later.
Bill to Doug: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but she sure isn't a lot better than your wife."

Saint Peter was sitting behind a desk on front of the gates of heaven, getting ready to start his day. "May the first person come," he said.
"Hello, Saint Peter," said the first person.
"State your name and tell me how you spent your life," he said.
"Oh Saint Peter, I am a nun, who spent her life helping those in need, and serving the Lord."
"Here is a golden key, it will open the Gates of Heaven."
And off the nun went.
"Next," said Saint Peter. "How did you spend your life?"
"I spent my life like a normal human being," another woman said. "I told some lies, white lies here and there. But nothing serious."
"Here I give you a Silver Key. It is for the Purgatory. You may go now," he said.
"Next. Tell me, how did you lived your life?"
"Oh Saint Peter, my life was spent on parties, with a different man every day. I loved a good dance, drinking, and having wild sex with a different man every night. You might call me a creature of the night," said a beautiful girl.
"Here is a key made of Copper," he said.
"Is that the key to Hell?!"
"No, this is the key, for my apartment."

 

 

[secondjag]

"I'll admit," said a lady named Barr,
"That a penis is like a cigar.
But, in general, to people
A phallic church steeple
Is stretching the subject too far."

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth.  He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"
She said, "No?"
"Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."
And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

One fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.
"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.
"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."
"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!"
"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."
"That's an incredible story" said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?"
"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food and warmth and with a good nights sleep, I would wake up a boy once again."
"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11 year old Choir boy beside him in bed.
"And that, Your Honor, is the case for the Defense....."

 

 

[secondjag]

During the wedding reception in the family's southern mansion, the bride's Granddaddy slipped her five $100 bills and told her that it was for her and to keep it for "mad money, so she stuffed them in her gloves
By family tradition, the couple spent their first night together in their historic plantation house.
 Later that night, after all the guests had left, the bride's Grandmother saw her sneaking down the stairs, and asked where she was going.
 "I left my gloves in the library, Grand-MaMa, and it's important that I have them."
"Oh you youngsters!" the Grandmother sighed. "You march yourself right back upstairs and grab hold of that damned thing with your bare hands, just like I did your Grandfather's."

The spouse of a pretty young thing
Came home from the wars in the spring.
He was lame but he came
With his dame like a flame --
A discharge is a wonderful thing.

The once was a girl named Kate,
Whose pussy smelled like bait!
Whenever Jeff pounds her
The room reeks of flounder.
Her twat, she should refrigerate.

A middle-class gentleman decided one week before Halloween to have a party on Halloween night. The theme of the party was that you must have a costume that represents an emotion.
The word spread quickly, and since anybody was welcome, it was sure to be a big party.
On the night of the party, the house was filled with people, a brown costume for the shitty mood, a multicolored costume for premenstrual syndrome, and many others both interesting as well as funny.
The man continuously received knocks on the door, and always let the person in, regardless of their taste in costume.
Once again, a knock rapped on his door, and he opened it.
A beautiful woman stepped in, wearing a red dress with ruffled sleeves. "You look beautiful tonight Miss, what is your emotion?" the man asked.
"I'm red with anger.," said the woman.
The man smiled and let her in to join the others in the party.  Five minutes later another knock on the door came, and he opened it, to have another beautiful woman in a green dress step in.
"What are you supposed tTo be, my pretty?" the man asked.
"I'm green,...green with envy.," said the woman.
"Quite clever!" said the man.  He stepped aside to allow her to enter.
Two minutes later, another tapping on the door came. He opened it, and in front of him stood a 6'6", naked, smelly, hairy man. On the end of his erected penis stood a pear.
"I hears you got yourself a party," said the stranger.
"That is correct, " said the man, trying to keep his cool. "What are you supposed to be?"
"The naked stranger looked down on the man and, in a booming voice, replied, "I'm fucking despair!"

 

 

[secondjag]

A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared.
He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.
Two days after his wife had disappeared, the man returned home to find her in the kitchen.
He asked her what she has been up to and why she has not been home for so long.
She replied, "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."
The husband answered, "But it's only been two days. What do you mean a week?"
"I am only here to get something to eat."

Steph was telling her boyfriend, Jeff "According to archaeologists, for millions of years the Neanderthal man was not fully erect." And Jeff's reply was, that's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly the Neanderthal women were!

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

Little Johnny kept asking his mother about his father.
Where was he?
Little Johnny's mother finally told him, "Your father was hanged 8 years ago for killing some people."
The next day at school the teacher asked what their father was noted for.
The children responded, "He is a doctor, a preacher, a teacher, etc."
When it came to little Johnny, the teacher hesitated but finally asked him what was his father noted for.
Little Johnny, thought and then finally stood up and said, "My father was well hung!"

One evening, Prince Charming walked into a tavern appearing downtrodden.
Immediately, the bartender turned to Prince Charming and asked him why he's so glum.
"You wouldn't believe it," the Prince replied. "I was walking through the Enchanted Forest when suddenly I approached Snow White, fast asleep on a bed of stone.
The dwarf next to her told me that she had eaten a poisonous apple and could only be revived through a kiss from my very lips.
I gave her a peck on the cheek. Nothing. So, I give Snow White a real deep kiss while massaging her hair with my fingers. Nothing.
Soon enough, I'm making passionate love to her right there in the woods, when suddenly she screams out, 'Ah yes'!"
"That's great!" the bartender excitedly replied to Prince Charming.
"Then she is alive!"
Shrugging his shoulders Prince Charming replied, "Nah. She faked it."

 

 

[secondjag]

A recent study found that 35% of men have been injured while undoing a woman's bra. 
That's correct. While unfastening a woman's stabilizing devise, men have received strained tendons, scratches, and other similar injuries. 
Actually, I can vouch for that. 
I got injured today while trying to undo a woman's bra. 
When I undid the woman in front of me in the checkout line, she turned and hit me with a can of peas. 

safe Sex: A padded headboard.

I once made love to a female clown. It was weird because she twisted my penis into a poodle.

Gynecologist: A spreader of old wives' tails.

I sat by the Duchess for tea,
And she asked, " Do you fart when you pee?"
I said with some wit,
"Do you belch when you shit?"
And I felt it was one up for me.

I once had a ladyfriend, Rose,
Double-jointed she was, I suppose.
And I watched fascinated,
As Rose masturbated
Herself with the tip of her nose.

An Irishman went to confession.
"Father," he confessed, "it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month."
The priest told the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s."
Soon, another Irishman entered the confessional.
"Father, it has been two months my last confession. I've been having sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last  two months."
This time the priest questioned, "Who is this Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replied. 

"Very well," sighed the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary’s."
At mass the next morning as the priest was preparing to deliver the sermon a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redhead entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church were on her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.
Her dress was green and very short and she was wearing matching, shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as she sat with her legs spread slightly apart... just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?"
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears, but managed to calmly reply, "No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes."

 

 

[secondjag]

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great, but as yet unnamed, athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.
In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.
To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter, before and throughout the variety of events.
At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed, "OH!! Limp pricks!"
Over the next two and a half millennia, that morphed into 'Olympics.'

Porno filmmaker: A crack photographer.

Blondes prefer cars with sunroofs because they have more leg room.

The fact of the matter is: Jack
Had long wanted Jill on her back;
So he told her some tale,
About filling a pail...
And then bungled his plan of attack.

The climax, when Josie engages,
Is postponed for what seems to be ages.
Out of self-preservation
And to banish frustration
She has three or four fellows -- in stages.

Farmer Jones lives with his tame bear in the remote country with only dirt access roads.
His tame bear had been naughty that day so he put him in the barn and said "you stay here until you learn how to behave yourself".
Shortly afterwards it begin to rain (a real heavy down pour).
About an hour later a travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and asked the Farmer for a place to stay.
The Farmer told him he didn't have room in the house, however he could stay in the barn.
He told the salesman there were no lights in the barn and his tame bear was in the barn.
The Farmer said the bear would not bother him.
The salesman went to the barn.
Later another travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and the Farmer told him about the barn-no lights and the tame bear.
Salesmen left for barn.
One hour later a woman got stuck in the mud and approached the Farmer.
He told her about the barn and mentioned the two travelling salesmen (he was so concerned about the salesmen he forgot to mention the bear).
The woman said I can take care of myself and left for the barn.
Two hours later the Farmer was awakened by heavy knocking at the door.
When opening the door the woman was standing there with her clothes torn and rumpled.
The Farmer said good heavens what happened to you?.
The woman replied I give up on human nature, the first guy gave me forty dollars, the second guy gave me fifty dollars, but that cheap bastard in the fur coat never even said thanks.

Ron stared at the bellhop in disbelief.
"A hundred twenty-five dollars for a girl? That's ridiculous! Why, in Tennessee I can get a girl to clean my house, wash my clothes, cook my meals, and sleep with me all night for four pork chops a day."
"Then what," said the bellhop, "are you doing in Chicago?"
"Buying pork chops in bulk."

Suzie Wong and her sister looked tight
When they laid Mr. Wright one hot night.
He resisted just one,
But a pair?  Too much fun.
Which is how two Wongs made a Wright.

There was a really cute princess walking through the woods, and she heard a voice calling, "Hey Really Cute Princess!"
She looked around and didn't see anyone but a frog. She started to walk on but the frog called again.
"Hey Really Cute Princess, if you take me home and let me sleep on your pillow, I will turn back into a Handsome Prince!"
It had been a very boring day so she decided to give it a try even though she really didn't believe the frog.
The Really Cute Princess took the frog home with her and let him sleep on her pillow.
When she got up the next day what do you think she found?
There on her pillow sat a really Handsome Prince.
Do you believe the story?
Well neither did her mother!

 

 

 

 

[secondjag]

In the north of England lived a man, poorly educated, who made a large fortune by selling his design for a bicycle chain.  With this money he set about realizing his childhood ambition to become a country squire. He purchased a beautiful estate near the Scottish border, and proceeded, with the help of some excellent servants, to live in a manner none in his family had ever dreamed of.
Foremost of these servants was his butler, Jeeves, a well-educated man who assisted his master in every way he could to better himself.  The master would often ask Jeeves for advice on how to handle a social situation, or to explain a new term.
One day when the master was reading, he called Jeeves in and asked, "Jeeves, what is this fox pass?"
"Sir," replied Jeeves, "that would be 'faux pas'. I'll give you an example.  Do you remember recently when Lord and Lady Plushbottom stayed for the weekend? And do you remember how on Sunday morning Lord Plushbottom pricked his finger on a rose?
"And do you further remember how later, at breakfast, Lady Plushbottom asked her husband 'Is your prick still throbbing dear?' and you said 'Christ!' and I dropped the marmalade?"
"That, Sir, was a faux pas."

Two old buddies from WW II are sitting on a bench talking.
One of them ask the other, "Hey Bill, you remember back in the big war to end all wars, they gave us those saltpeter pills to make us forget about sex?"
"Yeah, I remember, Joe, what about em?"
"I think mine is starting to work!"

 

[secondjag]

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions:
One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one", says the other cowboy, "what is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours, and you mount her from behind, and you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, ‘Boy, these feel just like your sister's,’ and then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."

It takes many nails to build a crib but one screw to fill it.

She wasn't what one would call pretty,
And other girls offered her pity,
So nobody guessed,
The paternity test,
Would involve half the men in the city.

Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their previous night’s dreams.
"I dreamed I was on vacation," one man said fondly. "It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream."
"I had a great dream too," said the other. "I dreamed I was in bed having wild, carefree sex with two beautiful women, having the time of my life."
His companion looked over and exhorted, "You dreamed you had two women, and you didn't call me?"
"Oh, I did," said the other, "but when I called, your wife said you'd gone fishing."

The vet prescribed Viagra to the alligator for its reptile dysfunction.

Q. What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A. Locking the car door.

There once was a woman named Jess –
Bisexual, she'd readily confess.
She loved a good dick,
but pussy she'd lick,
and leave both a wet gooey mess.

 

 

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[secondjag]

[cucksean]

10 hours ago, secondjag said:

I love these thanks!!!

[secondjag]

11 hours ago, cucksean said:

I love these thanks!!!

You are most welcome Sean.  Nice to see ya.

[secondjag]

 

[secondjag]

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[secondjag]

Al is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work.
So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says," This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say'123'.and it will rise for as long as you wish!"
Al asked, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But he warned -- it will not work again for another year!"
Al rushes home ,eager to try out his new powers and prowess, that night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gits into bed, and lying next to her says,"123'"
His wife, who had been facing away and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.