Umm

[secondjag]

One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker.
Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the nearest Red Light District.
A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 for oral sex and intercourse.
The next morning the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs.
So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before.
He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says, "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!"
The hooker replies, "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10, Lobster?"

 

What do you call the space between the vagina and the asshole?
A Chin Rest.

 

 

[secondjag]

The distinguished-looking elderly man asked at the department store information kiosk where he might purchase some personal stationery. He was directed to the notions department on the third floor, but in the crowded elevator he became confused and got off on the fourth floor by mistake.
Approaching the attractive floor manager standing near the elevator doors, he said, "Excuse me, Miss, but do you have notions?"
"Sure," she replied mischievously, "but during the work week I try to suppress them until after five o'clock."
"No, no, you don't understand," he stammered. "I mean to say, do you keep stationery?"
"No, I like to go with the flow right till the end," replied the floor manager, laughing. "And then I just start quivering all over."

Oprah goes to the doctor with a sore throat, and he says, "Take off all of your clothes, lie on your back on my table, and spread your legs as wide as you can." She says, "How will that help my sore throat?" He says, "It won't, but I want to see how my house will look painted dark brown with pink shutters."

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local Welfare Office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the System, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful . You'll have to drive around in his 2021 Mercedes-Maybach, and he will supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward, but you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges as the is in her 20's and has a strong sex drive."
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well... you started it."

 

 

One time when I was visiting Toronto, I asked a chap where I could find a good house of ill repute.

He gave me an address and said to ask for Sally.
I went to the address and requested Sally. She took me to a room, stripped down and said, "Go ahead, but let me know how it is."
After a few minutes I said, "It's not bad but a bit loose."
She said, "Get off for a moment."
I did that and she reached down and fiddled about with her privates.
"Try it now." she said.
I did and found it better but still a bit loose, so I told her so. She repeated her actions and when I tried it again it was perfect.
When we were finished and I was paying her I asked, "How do you manage to adjust it's size to fit anyone?"
"Well," she said, "I've been in this business for some time and have developed warts on one side and wormholes on the other. I just button them up."

 

 

 

[secondjag]

A sheep farmer made his monthly journey into town to buy supplies.
While loading up his pickup, he spotted one of the girls who worked at the bordello watching him.
"Say, honey," he asked, "what's the going rate these days?"
"Hundred bucks," she replied.
"If every man raised sheep, we wouldn't need you women," he exclaimed with disgust.
"Yeah," she said, "and if vibrators could cut the grass, we wouldn't need you men, either."

 

 

It's this man's 33rd birthday. He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it.

At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, "It's my birthday today."

"Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?" asks the Post Office worker.

"I’m 33," says the man.

"Well, have a good day," says the worker.

"Thank you," replied the man.

To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives.

The man says to the old lady, "It's my birthday today."

"Oh, happy birthday," says the old lady.

"I'm..."

"No don't tell me," interjects the old lady, "I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is."

"Oh yeah? What's that then," asks the man. "If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how many years old you are," says the old lady.

"I don't believe it."

"Well let me prove it!"

"I'm not going to let you feel my balls!" says the man.

"Oh well, I guess you'll never know then," replies the lady.

After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, "Oh, okay then, you can do it."

After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants.

"You are 33 years old exactly," she exclaims!

"How the fuck did you know that?!" exclaims the man, impressed.

"I was behind you in the line at the Post Office," said the lady. 

 

 

 

[secondjag]

Osama Bin Laden was shot and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Osama Bin Laden thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," said Osama bin Laden, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Osama Bin Laden.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama Bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Osama bin Laden took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "OK Monica, you're free to go."

 

[secondjag]

A penguin takes his car to the shop.

The mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it.

While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time.

The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream.

When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."

"No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

 

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? California? Oregon? Switzerland? Most believe it originated in Switzerland, but here's the real version.
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's came down from upstairs and
asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"
"That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He needs a place to stay for the night, so I said he could sleep in the barn."
The said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty.
So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears.
"How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my !"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out, "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO."

 

 

[Kaktuscpl]

Sam Kinison for the win

[secondjag]

Two doctors were jogging down a wood path, each arguing as to who was the better doctor. The 1st claimed he was better, then the 2nd. This went on for 30 minutes or so!

Finally, the 1st doctor said to the 2nd, "If you’re so good, then prove it."

 

The 2nd doctor said, "Ok I will."

 

The 2nd doctor looked around, up and down and saw an owl sitting up in an old oak tree. He said "see that owl? I'll give that owl a tonsillectomy in 10 minutes," said the 2nd doctor. The 1st doctor encouraged him to try.

The clock started ticking, he reached up in the oak tree and grabbed the owl. With a "clip", "snip", and "clip" - the 2nd doctor was done. He proceeded to say, "9 minutes and 15 seconds later, I'm through -- beat that!"

The 1st doctor then stated that he could beat the 2nd doctor by performing a vasectomy in 5 minutes. He asked the 2nd if he successfully completed the vasectomy in 5 minutes would he be the better of the two doctors. To that the doctored replied "yes."
The clock started ticking, he reached up in the oak tree and grabbed the same owl. With a "clip", "snip", "cut", "bang", "stitch", and "clip" - the 1st doctor was done. He completed his operation in a record 3 minutes and 35 seconds. Both doctors went on jogging down the path happy and content as to whom was the better of the two doctors.
The next day the Mr. Owl and Mrs. Owl were flying along when Mrs. Owl stated "I'm tired, lets land and rest a while." Mr. Owl said "ok!"
Mrs. Owl looked around and saw (with here keen vision) a wonderful old oak tree to perch on, see stated, "lets land over there on the old oak tree".
Mr. Owl looked around and saw the oak tree, only to proclaim, "I'M NOT LANDING THERE!"

Mrs. owl asked "why not?"

Mr. Owl again proclaimed "I'M NOT LANDING THERE".

This went on for some time!

Mrs. Owl said, "OK, tell me why you don't want to land there or we're going to!"
Mr. Owl said; "Well, ever since I landed in that old oak tree yesterday, I can't hoot worth a fuck or fuck worth a hoot.

 

[secondjag]

Paddy decides to go rabbit hunting, but when he gets to his favorite field, he sees the village priest is already there.
Paddy watches with fascination as the priest holds his finger over a rabbit hole and immediately a rabbit pops out.
The priest grabs it and puts it into a sack.
He repeats this unusual but very successful technique until his sack is full of rabbits.
Paddy stops the priest and asks him how he does it.
"Easy," says the priest. "Put your finger on your wife's pussy and then hold it over a rabbit hole. They can't resist the smell, so when they come out, grab them."
Paddy rushes home to find Maureen bent over scrubbing the floor. He lifts up her skirt and applies his finger as directed.
Without looking up, Maureen giggles, "Holy Moses, Father! Rabbit hunting again?"

Out in the Wild West, Jesse James's gang forces a train to stop, and Jesse climbs on board. He bursts into a passenger car, pulls out his guns, and fires.

Blam! Blam!

"All right!" he yells. "I'm going to screw all the men and kill all the woman!"

Blam! Blam!

"That's right!" he growls. "I'm going to screw all the men and kill all the women!"

A guy in the front row says, "Uh, Mr. James, I think you've got it backwards."

Suddenly a high-pitched man's voice in the back calls out, "Excuse me, but Mr. James is robbing the train!"

 

 

Angelina and Giuseppi were standing before the judge in divorce court.
Angelina says: "Your honor, we beena marry 25 years ana Giuseppi he always picka his nose ana when we maka love he a never letsa me on topa. I justa canna taka dis nomore."
The judge listens solemnly and then addresses Giuseppi.
"Giuseppi, is disa true. You always a picka your nose and you never let Angelina on top?? What have you gotta say fora yourself?"
Giuseppi says, "Well your honor, itsa true. I picka my nose a lot and, yeah, Angelina, I tella her she'sa gotta be onna da bottom. Itsa all go's aback to when I'mma a younga boy. My poppa, he's a very smarta man.
I always do ev'ryting he'sa say. My poppa one day he says, ‘Giuseppi, I gotta tella you da two main secrets ofa hava successful life: Number one, you always keepa your nose clean. Ana number two, never screw up.’"

"It's funny," says Samantha, "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when I'm sucking his dick."
"You know what?" replies Jenny. "It's exactly the same with my Richard..."
They turn to the third blonde and ask, "When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?"
"Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Chris's thing in my mouth!"
"You're crazy," one of the blondes pipes up. "A good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy. You should try it."
She says she'll think about it. The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the blowjob novice is sporting a wicked shiner.
"Whoa!" the first blonde asks. "How did you get that black eye?"
"Chris hit me when I was blowing him," she says.
"What on earth for?" the second blonde asks.
"I don't know," she replies. "All I did was tell him how strange it was that his balls were so warm, seeing as how Pete's and Richard's are so cold."

 

 

 

 

[secondjag]

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
"I want to get weighed," she said.

So, they ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117, and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura - it was wousy."

Little Johnny was visiting a friend of his in New York during the winter.
He and his friend went outside to play in the snow.
After about an hour, his friend's mother called them back inside and had them remove their galoshes and gloves.
Little Johnny's friend's mom was a tall voluptuous, woman who would warm her son's hands by putting them between her thighs.
So as usual, when her son came in from playing in the snow, she asked if his hands were cold, to which he replied "yes".
She then put them together and stuck them between her warm thighs.
After a few minutes, she asked "are they warm yet?" and the little boy said "yes".
Little Johnny watched his friend and waited his turn.
His friend's mom then asked him if his hands were cold, to which he replied, "yes".
So she took his hands, put them together and stuck them between her thighs.
After a few minutes she asked if his hands were "warm yet" and he said "yes".  So she took them out.
Little Johnny continued to stand there with a sly grin on his face.
When the mom asked "well what is it now, Johnny? What's wrong?
Johnny looked up at her and replied, "My ears are cold, too!"

 

[secondjag]

A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller, "Umm... err, I've never purchased condoms before, and I don't know what size to buy."
"That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back."
So, the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence.

The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller.

Then he pulls it out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job.

Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole.

The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it.

She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is beginning to stumble back in.

She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate size?"
"Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!"

 

 

[secondjag]

A typical married couple were lying in bed one night.
The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he was reading, he paused and reached over to his wife and started fondling her "pussy".
He did this only for a very short while, and then he would stop and resume reading his book.
The wife gradually became aroused with this, and thought that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any further.
She got up and started stripping in front of him.
The husband was confused and asked  "What are you doing taking your clothes off?"
The wife replied, "You were playing with my "pussy". I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight."
The husband said, "No, not at all."
The wife then asked, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"
"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!"

A plumber was called to a woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe.
When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.
About 4:30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing their bedroom shenanigans.
"That was my husband," she said, "He's on his way home, but he's going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"

 

[secondjag]

After an Alabama tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said, "Miss, would y'all give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.
Then she smiled and added, "Sure, why not? It's pretty slow here right now, so let's go!"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else?"
"Yes," replied the tourist. "Where ah come from in Alabama, we lack our bourbon 'n watuh cold, so ah still need a piece uh ass for mah drink."

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and, when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete city outfit."
Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double E."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"Will there be anything else?" she asked.
"Yes ma'am. I ‘spect I'll need a hat."
"Yes sir. What size?"
"Eight and five-eighths."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No ma'am, I reckon that will be all."
As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the Texan counted out his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"
"Yes ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."
Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "From the floor, ma'am?"

 

A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and starts flexing in front of a blonde woman.

She exclaims, "Wow, what a great chest you have!"

He says, "Solid dynamite, babe."

He then takes off his pants and the blonde says, "Wow, what massive calves you have!"

He flexes his leg muscles and says, "Like I said, pure dynamite, sweetheart."

Then he removes his underwear and the blonde goes running and screaming in fear.

He gets dressed and goes chasing after the woman.

When he catches up to her, he asks, "Why the hell did you go running off like that?"

She replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was."

 

[secondjag]

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.  "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.  Then, she notices an elderly man standing among the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little.”

A polar bear and a penguin were walking along the snow dunes one day when the polar bear fell down a chasm.
Try as he might, the poor polar bear couldn't get out.
The penguin did everything he could think of, but he couldn't rescue his friend.
Then a thought struck him! He said, "Hold on for a few minutes, I'll be right back!"
He then ran off and returned in a few minutes driving his red Ferrarri.
He backed it up to the edge of the chasm and tied a rope to the end.
With his friend holding on to the rope, he was able to pull him out to safety.
After the polar bear thanked the penguin for saving his life, they continued on their walk.
Later on that very same day, the penguin fell into a similar chasm.
Now, as everyone knows, polar bears can't drive.
So it looked bad for the penguin.
Then the polar bear had an idea! He allowed his penis to swing down into the chasm, all the way to the bottom.
The penguin gladly used it to climb his way to the top!
The moral of this: If you have a big enough penis, you don't need a Ferrari.

 

 

[secondjag]

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair.

One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place, where they spent the afternoon making passionate love.

When they were finished, they were exhausted and fell asleep, and didn't wake up until 8 o'clock.

They got dressed quickly.

Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she does as he asks (thinking that he's pretty weird).
The man finally gets home, and his wife meets him at the door. Upset, she asks where he's been.

The man replies, "I can't lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I see those grass stains on your shoes. You've been playing golf again, haven't you!?"

 

[Kaktuscpl]

7 hours ago, secondjag said:

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair.

One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place, where they spent the afternoon making passionate love.

When they were finished, they were exhausted and fell asleep, and didn't wake up until 8 o'clock.

They got dressed quickly.

Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she does as he asks (thinking that he's pretty weird).
The man finally gets home, and his wife meets him at the door. Upset, she asks where he's been.

The man replies, "I can't lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I see those grass stains on your shoes. You've been playing golf again, haven't you!?"

 

LMAO    "welcome to the game of life"

[Peter C]

My wife says that as my belly is getting fatter and fatter, my dick appears to be getting smaller and smaller.

I can't see it myself...

[secondjag]

A husband had just arrived home from a six-month tour of duty in the Navy.

The husband closed the front door and immediately he and his wife were furiously making love upstairs when, suddenly, the wind slammed a door shut somewhere else in the house.
The husband said jokingly, "Oh God! No! That must be your husband coming home."
The wife replies without thinking, "No, don't worry. He's off in the navy for six months."

A married woman was having an affair.
One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,
she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God!! Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window, it's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved along side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes,' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run? ''No, only when it's raining.'

Ray and Bubba, two old Navy buddies, are on leave and decide to go to Bubba's house and get drunk.
Lo and behold they run out of beer, so Bubba says that he will go for more.
As he is leaving he tells his wife, Linda-Lou, to show Ray her best Southern hospitality.
She agrees.
Bubba comes back with the beer and finds Ray and Linda-Lou screwing right on the kitchen floor.
Bubba yells, "What are you doing Linda-Lou?"
She replies, "You told me to show Ray my best Southern hospitality."
Bubba then says, "Well, girl, arch your back! Poor Ray's balls are on the cold floor!"

A couple were making love in a 5 Series BMW when the bloke's back seized up. The ambulance men were afraid to move him in case of serious damage to his spine. So the police decided to use the 'jaws of life'.
They simply cut the entire top of the car off so the patient could be safely lifted out without bending.
When the ambulance departed the girl sat weeping beside the abbreviated 5 Series BMW.
Feeling sorry for her, a cop patted her on the shoulder. 'He'll be all right,' he reassured her. The girl rounded on him
savagely.
'Oh, sod him,' she exclaimed. 'How am I going to explain to my husband what happened to his BMW?'

 

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

Little Johnny went to his dad and asked, "D-d-dad why I t-t-talk like t-t-this!" His father said, "I don't know. Ask your sister."
So Little Johnny asked his sister and she said she didn't know.
Little Johnny was in the yard kicking rocks when the postman walks up. Little Johnny asked, "M-M-Mr., why I t-t-talk like t-t-this!"
The postman replied, "B-B-Boy, g-g-get away f-f-from me b-b-before I g-g-get in t-t-trouble!!!

 

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down.

Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door.

When the farmer answers, she says to him, "It's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"

"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."
She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.
"Okay," she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her.

So, she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"

They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers."

She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go it all night long.
Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me neither," says Jed. "Let's take these things off."

Nina and Rosey meet for lunch, and Nina seems to be a little depressed.

"What's wrong Nina?" asks Rosey.

Nina replies, "Well, a friend of mine set me up on a blind date and I told her the criteria I was looking for in a man."

"Yeah, so, what’s the problem?" asks Rosey.

"Well," Nina said, "My friend must have misunderstood me, cause the guy that showed up was as smart as a horse and hung like Einstein!"

When George Burns was 97 years old, he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.

Oprah asked, 'Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working, and at your age I think that is remarkable.'

Mr. Burns said, 'I just take good care of myself, and I enjoy what I do when I do it.' 

Oprah said, 'I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.'

George said,' Of course, I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.'

Oprah said, 'I have never been with an older man. Would you do it with me?' 

So, they had sex, and when they finished Oprah said, 'I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied. You are a remarkable man.'

George said, 'The second time is even better than the first time." 

Oprah said, 'You can really do it again at your age?'

George said, 'Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand, and wake me up in thirty minutes.'

When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.

She said, 'Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!'

George said that the third time would be even better. 'You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me in 45 minutes.' 

Oprah said, 'Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?'

George said, 'No, but the last time I had sex with a young woman she stole my wallet!'

 

[secondjag]

Morris picked Sadie up at her place, and they went on a picnic in a very secluded spot.

Morris also had been widowed for a long time and found himself very attracted to Sadie, and despite her resistance at first to his advances, he finally was able to make love to her.

Sadie was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed, "I don't know how I can face my , knowing in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!"

Morris said "What do you mean "twice"? We only did it once."

Sadie looked at Morris and said, "Well, we're going to do it again, aren't we?"

 

 

[secondjag]

Little Johnny had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and Little Johnny was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill.
He asked his uncle to give him an addition question. So, his uncle asked, "What is three plus four?"
Little Johnny counted it out on his fingers and said, "Seven."
His uncle said, "Listen Little Johnny, you can't count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets."
So Little Johnny put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?"
His uncle saw movement in Little Johnny's pockets, and then Little Johnny said, "Eleven!"

 

A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?"

"No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?"
"You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow, and feed the pigs first."
The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When finished, he kicks a chicken. Next, he walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig.
Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple.

Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk, and my sausage?"
"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage."
Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat.

The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"

 

A young man in a Corvette yelled at Susie and her friend, "Hey, Susie! How ya doin'?"
Susie yelled back, "Hi, Sixty-Four! Doing great. See you later."
Susie's friend thought Sixty-Four was an odd name and commented so.
Susie explained, "That's because he has six inches, but he's good for four times a night."
Later, a guy in a BMW yelled out and Susie yelled back, "Hey, Seventy-Two! How are things?"
"Seventy-Two?” asked her friend.
Susie explained, "He has seven inches, but he's only good for twice a night."
Then a guy rode past on a bicycle and gave Susie gave a shout.
She replied, "Hey, Johnny Walker! How's it going?"
When he was out of sight, Susie's friend said, "Wait a minute. I know him. His name isn't Johnny Walker. Johnny Walker is a liquor."
Susie replied, "So... you've broken my code already!"

 

[Peter C]

I excitedly told my mate that my girlfriend was flying out to Illinois to spend a week with the black guy she's been chatting to online.

"Chicago?", he asked.

"No", I replied. "He's told me to book her a seat in Business Class."

[Kaktuscpl]

6 minutes ago, Peter C said:

I excitedly told my mate that my girlfriend was flying out to Illinois to spend a week with the black guy she's been chatting to online.

"Chicago?", he asked.

"No", I replied. "He's told me to book her a seat in Business Class."

Huh? 

[Peter C]

1 minute ago, Kaktuscpl said:

Huh? 

Chicago?  She cargo?  

[Kaktuscpl]

1 hour ago, Peter C said:

Chicago?  She cargo?  

AAhhhhh! got ya