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One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker.
Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the nearest Red Light District.
A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 for oral sex and intercourse.
The next morning the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs.
So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before.
He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says, "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!"
The hooker replies, "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10, Lobster?"

 

What do you call the space between the vagina and the asshole?
A Chin Rest.

 

 

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CUCKOLD TEST

The distinguished-looking elderly man asked at the department store information kiosk where he might purchase some personal stationery. He was directed to the notions department on the third floor, but in the crowded elevator he became confused and got off on the fourth floor by mistake.
Approaching the attractive floor manager standing near the elevator doors, he said, "Excuse me, Miss, but do you have notions?"
"Sure," she replied mischievously, "but during the work week I try to suppress them until after five o'clock."
"No, no, you don't understand," he stammered. "I mean to say, do you keep stationery?"
"No, I like to go with the flow right till the end," replied the floor manager, laughing. "And then I just start quivering all over."

Oprah goes to the doctor with a sore throat, and he says, "Take off all of your clothes, lie on your back on my table, and spread your legs as wide as you can." She says, "How will that help my sore throat?" He says, "It won't, but I want to see how my house will look painted dark brown with pink shutters."

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local Welfare Office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the System, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful . You'll have to drive around in his 2021 Mercedes-Maybach, and he will supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward, but you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges as the is in her 20's and has a strong sex drive."
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well... you started it."

 

 

One time when I was visiting Toronto, I asked a chap where I could find a good house of ill repute.

He gave me an address and said to ask for Sally.
I went to the address and requested Sally. She took me to a room, stripped down and said, "Go ahead, but let me know how it is."
After a few minutes I said, "It's not bad but a bit loose."
She said, "Get off for a moment."
I did that and she reached down and fiddled about with her privates.
"Try it now." she said.
I did and found it better but still a bit loose, so I told her so. She repeated her actions and when I tried it again it was perfect.
When we were finished and I was paying her I asked, "How do you manage to adjust it's size to fit anyone?"
"Well," she said, "I've been in this business for some time and have developed warts on one side and wormholes on the other. I just button them up."

 

 

 

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A sheep farmer made his monthly journey into town to buy supplies.
While loading up his pickup, he spotted one of the girls who worked at the bordello watching him.
"Say, honey," he asked, "what's the going rate these days?"
"Hundred bucks," she replied.
"If every man raised sheep, we wouldn't need you women," he exclaimed with disgust.
"Yeah," she said, "and if vibrators could cut the grass, we wouldn't need you men, either."

 

 

It's this man's 33rd birthday. He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it.

At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, "It's my birthday today."

"Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?" asks the Post Office worker.

"I’m 33," says the man.

"Well, have a good day," says the worker.

"Thank you," replied the man.

To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives.

The man says to the old lady, "It's my birthday today."

"Oh, happy birthday," says the old lady.

"I'm..."

"No don't tell me," interjects the old lady, "I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is."

"Oh yeah? What's that then," asks the man. "If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how many years old you are," says the old lady.

"I don't believe it."

"Well let me prove it!"

"I'm not going to let you feel my balls!" says the man.

"Oh well, I guess you'll never know then," replies the lady.

After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, "Oh, okay then, you can do it."

After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants.

"You are 33 years old exactly," she exclaims!

"How the fuck did you know that?!" exclaims the man, impressed.

"I was behind you in the line at the Post Office," said the lady. 

 

 

 

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Osama Bin Laden was shot and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Osama Bin Laden thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," said Osama bin Laden, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Osama Bin Laden.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama Bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Osama bin Laden took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "OK Monica, you're free to go."

 

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A penguin takes his car to the shop.

The mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it.

While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time.

The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream.

When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."

"No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

 

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? California? Oregon? Switzerland? Most believe it originated in Switzerland, but here's the real version.
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's came down from upstairs and
asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"
"That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He needs a place to stay for the night, so I said he could sleep in the barn."
The said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty.
So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears.
"How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my !"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out, "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO."

 

 

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Two doctors were jogging down a wood path, each arguing as to who was the better doctor. The 1st claimed he was better, then the 2nd. This went on for 30 minutes or so!

Finally, the 1st doctor said to the 2nd, "If you’re so good, then prove it."

 

The 2nd doctor said, "Ok I will."

 

The 2nd doctor looked around, up and down and saw an owl sitting up in an old oak tree. He said "see that owl? I'll give that owl a tonsillectomy in 10 minutes," said the 2nd doctor. The 1st doctor encouraged him to try.

The clock started ticking, he reached up in the oak tree and grabbed the owl. With a "clip", "snip", and "clip" - the 2nd doctor was done. He proceeded to say, "9 minutes and 15 seconds later, I'm through -- beat that!"

The 1st doctor then stated that he could beat the 2nd doctor by performing a vasectomy in 5 minutes. He asked the 2nd if he successfully completed the vasectomy in 5 minutes would he be the better of the two doctors. To that the doctored replied "yes."
The clock started ticking, he reached up in the oak tree and grabbed the same owl. With a "clip", "snip", "cut", "bang", "stitch", and "clip" - the 1st doctor was done. He completed his operation in a record 3 minutes and 35 seconds. Both doctors went on jogging down the path happy and content as to whom was the better of the two doctors.
The next day the Mr. Owl and Mrs. Owl were flying along when Mrs. Owl stated "I'm tired, lets land and rest a while." Mr. Owl said "ok!"
Mrs. Owl looked around and saw (with here keen vision) a wonderful old oak tree to perch on, see stated, "lets land over there on the old oak tree".
Mr. Owl looked around and saw the oak tree, only to proclaim, "I'M NOT LANDING THERE!"

Mrs. owl asked "why not?"

Mr. Owl again proclaimed "I'M NOT LANDING THERE".

This went on for some time!

Mrs. Owl said, "OK, tell me why you don't want to land there or we're going to!"
Mr. Owl said; "Well, ever since I landed in that old oak tree yesterday, I can't hoot worth a fuck or fuck worth a hoot.

 

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Paddy decides to go rabbit hunting, but when he gets to his favorite field, he sees the village priest is already there.
Paddy watches with fascination as the priest holds his finger over a rabbit hole and immediately a rabbit pops out.
The priest grabs it and puts it into a sack.
He repeats this unusual but very successful technique until his sack is full of rabbits.
Paddy stops the priest and asks him how he does it.
"Easy," says the priest. "Put your finger on your wife's pussy and then hold it over a rabbit hole. They can't resist the smell, so when they come out, grab them."
Paddy rushes home to find Maureen bent over scrubbing the floor. He lifts up her skirt and applies his finger as directed.
Without looking up, Maureen giggles, "Holy Moses, Father! Rabbit hunting again?"

Out in the Wild West, Jesse James's gang forces a train to stop, and Jesse climbs on board. He bursts into a passenger car, pulls out his guns, and fires.

Blam! Blam!

"All right!" he yells. "I'm going to screw all the men and kill all the woman!"

Blam! Blam!

"That's right!" he growls. "I'm going to screw all the men and kill all the women!"

A guy in the front row says, "Uh, Mr. James, I think you've got it backwards."

Suddenly a high-pitched man's voice in the back calls out, "Excuse me, but Mr. James is robbing the train!"

 

 

Angelina and Giuseppi were standing before the judge in divorce court.
Angelina says: "Your honor, we beena marry 25 years ana Giuseppi he always picka his nose ana when we maka love he a never letsa me on topa. I justa canna taka dis nomore."
The judge listens solemnly and then addresses Giuseppi.
"Giuseppi, is disa true. You always a picka your nose and you never let Angelina on top?? What have you gotta say fora yourself?"
Giuseppi says, "Well your honor, itsa true. I picka my nose a lot and, yeah, Angelina, I tella her she'sa gotta be onna da bottom. Itsa all go's aback to when I'mma a younga boy. My poppa, he's a very smarta man.
I always do ev'ryting he'sa say. My poppa one day he says, ‘Giuseppi, I gotta tella you da two main secrets ofa hava successful life: Number one, you always keepa your nose clean. Ana number two, never screw up.’"

"It's funny," says Samantha, "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when I'm sucking his dick."
"You know what?" replies Jenny. "It's exactly the same with my Richard..."
They turn to the third blonde and ask, "When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?"
"Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Chris's thing in my mouth!"
"You're crazy," one of the blondes pipes up. "A good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy. You should try it."
She says she'll think about it. The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the blowjob novice is sporting a wicked shiner.
"Whoa!" the first blonde asks. "How did you get that black eye?"
"Chris hit me when I was blowing him," she says.
"What on earth for?" the second blonde asks.
"I don't know," she replies. "All I did was tell him how strange it was that his balls were so warm, seeing as how Pete's and Richard's are so cold."

 

 

 

 

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Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
"I want to get weighed," she said.

So, they ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117, and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura - it was wousy."

Little Johnny was visiting a friend of his in New York during the winter.
He and his friend went outside to play in the snow.
After about an hour, his friend's mother called them back inside and had them remove their galoshes and gloves.
Little Johnny's friend's mom was a tall voluptuous, woman who would warm her son's hands by putting them between her thighs.
So as usual, when her son came in from playing in the snow, she asked if his hands were cold, to which he replied "yes".
She then put them together and stuck them between her warm thighs.
After a few minutes, she asked "are they warm yet?" and the little boy said "yes".
Little Johnny watched his friend and waited his turn.
His friend's mom then asked him if his hands were cold, to which he replied, "yes".
So she took his hands, put them together and stuck them between her thighs.
After a few minutes she asked if his hands were "warm yet" and he said "yes".  So she took them out.
Little Johnny continued to stand there with a sly grin on his face.
When the mom asked "well what is it now, Johnny? What's wrong?
Johnny looked up at her and replied, "My ears are cold, too!"

 

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A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller, "Umm... err, I've never purchased condoms before, and I don't know what size to buy."
"That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back."
So, the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence.

The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller.

Then he pulls it out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job.

Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole.

The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it.

She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is beginning to stumble back in.

She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate size?"
"Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!"

 

 

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