Umm

[secondjag]

I wooed a buxom young nude in Bermuda,
I was lewd, but my God! She was lewder.
She said it was crude
To be wooed in the nude --
I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her!

How bitter was Joseph's existence
When he found that his girlfriend's insistence
Meant that he'd have to wed her
Before he could bed her.
She was simply a piece de resistance.

After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So, taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "Fuck you!".
Then he turned to his bride and said, "Fuck you!" Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends........$32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion.......................$3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui...................$8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride doing the best man.............Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD!

A man is in a hotel lobby.

He wants to ask the clerk a question.

As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him, and 

as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both startled, and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Peter C]

[secondjag]

A young couple gets married and go on their honeymoon, the following morning the bride walks out of the shower, naked.
The husband says, "Stop." Grabs his camera and takes a quick photo.

She asks him why he took a photo when he can see her naked anytime?

He says, "So I can carry it in my wallet, close to my heart."

She smiles.

He goes to have his shower, as he comes out and she is waiting with the camera and takes his photo.

He says, "Is that so you can carry my picture with you always?"

"No, it's so I can have it enlarged."

A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee. Being the avid golfer he was, he once again bore down on the ball and right in the middle of his backswing a guy in a white coat ran out of the woods and asked him if a naked lady ran past.
Our golfer said "Yes, she ran into the woods."
The guy in the white coat said thanks and ran after her. Our golfer again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another man in a white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon bucket of sand and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat come through here chasing a naked lady. He said, "Yes, they ran that way through the woods."
The man said thanks and started to run off when the golfer stopped him and asked, "Hey, what's going on?"
The guy explained, "You see we work at a sanitarium institution nearby and every now and then that girl gets away and all she wants to do is get naked and fuck."
The golfer then asked, "Well what's the bucket of sand for?"
The guy in the white coat said, "Oh, that's my handicap. You see, I caught her last time!"

 

 

 

[secondjag]

The two East Coast hookers decided to move to the West Coast, and while driving through New Mexico, they stopped at a little general store.
Well, low and behold, there were two older Indian women sitting out on the front porch and the four women started up a conversation, which lead to the one older Indian woman saying, "Well I'm a Navajo, and she’s an Arapaho."
Then one of the hookers said, "No kidding! Well, I'm a New York Ho, and she’s a Chicago Ho."

There once was a man from Van Isle
Who said jogging just wasn't his style.
"I'll get my workouts," he said,
"At home, in my bed,
'Cause a Miss is as good as a mile!"

There once was a Man from Sunbass
Who's balls were made out of brass.
When they banged together,
they played stormy weather
And lightening shot out of his ass.

A well-dressed man went into a bar ordered a double whiskey. He stood there sipping his drink when another man came up and said "Is that you Pete??"
Pete said "My name is Pete, but I don`t think I know you"
The second man said "You do, it`s me, Martin we used to work at the same factory together before it closed down"
Pete said "Now I remember you, but what happened to you?  You are all in scruffy clothes. We got good redundancy money when we finished.  What happened Martin??"
Martin said "I blew it all on cars women and drink. I'm totally broke now, but look at you Pete.  All in the best clothes and I've seen your posh car outside.  How did you do it??"
Pete said "Well I wanted to make my money work for me. So, I thought if you have some money, London is the best place to do that.
I bought a three-story house. On the first floor there was ordinary sex -- just men and woman.
On the 2nd floor homo sex -- you know, men shagging men.

And on the 3rd floor pedophile sex for them who like shagging children.
I must say I made a fortune. Mind you it was hard work: just me, the wife and the kids."

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning, she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
"Don't be flattered," said the woman. "Just take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

 

 

 

 

[secondjag]

A cautious young fellow named Tunney
Had a whang that was worth any money.
When eased in half-way,
The girl's sigh made him say,
"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey." 

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her.
She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."

A young couple in love finally got all the approvals and set their wedding date.
The frisky bride-to-be cuddles up to her fiancée and said, "Darling, you know I want to fulfill this fantasy of mine to make love before we get married. Could we?"
"But it's not long until June, dear," The cautious groom-to-be replied.
"Oh," she exclaimed. "And how long will it be in June, you think?"

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, “I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes.”

The pharmacist says, “Ma’am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you.”

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist says, “Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription.”

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" 
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No... Salty." 

A lovely Russian lady came up to me at the mall and said, "Please, I am looking for a one night stand."
I had the shop shut up and the door locked before you could say Billybob, and we went to a bar for a couple of aperitifs, a nice restaurant, a club I know where they have a good floor show. I then took that lovely lady home and we spent the night blissfully occupied.

As the sun peeped over the window sill, I smiled sweetly at her sleepy face and said, "So how was that?"
"Was wonderful," she said, "but I still have no place to put bedside lamp."

 

 

[secondjag]

A young couple took their three-year-old son, Cohen, to their pediatrician.
With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him bagels with cream cheese. That should solve the problem."
The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm bagels and cream cheese in the middle of the table.
"Gee, mommy," the boy exclaimed, "for me?"
"Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father."

A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again.

He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

Little Johnny and his girl were walking along a trail in the woods.
Suzy noticed that some of the animals were behaving oddly. "Little Johnny, why is that rabbit on top that other one?" she asked.
Little Johnny stopped to consider his answer, and replied, "They're making cigarettes."
"Cigarettes?" she exclaimed, as they continue walking along. Pretty soon, they approached a couple of raccoons. Suzy asked, "Are they making cigarettes too?"
"Yea," says Little Johnny.
Suzy looked around and said, "It looks like all the animals are making cigarettes, why do not we make cigarettes?"
Little Johnny was quick to say, "OK!"
An hour or so later Little Johnny and Suzy were walking out of the woods, when she asked, "Little Johnny, what kind of cigarettes did we make?"
Little Johnny stopped to think about his answer, and then replied, "Well if you get a hump in your belly it's a Camel, and if you don't it was a Lucky Strike."

 

 

 

[secondjag]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
"I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate exam on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in San Francisco where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.
As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.
"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.
"I haven't got an erection" said the man.
"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

One day a door-to-door salesman knocked on a door. Little Johnny answered the door and the salesman asked if his mother was home.
Little Johnny said, "No, she is at the whore house."
The bright salesman asked if she was a prostitute, and the little boy replied, "No, she is a substitute. She only works Wednesdays and Fridays during the rush."
The salesman said, "Well I'll be a son-of-a-bitch."
The little boy said, "Well, I'm one too, but I don't go around knocking on doors telling folks."

 

 

 

[secondjag]

On the first night of their honeymoon, the very naive virgin bride slipped into a sexy, but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent." 

"Why, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard," she exclaimed, close to tears. "To whom and for how long?!"

Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while, too.

The was an old woman from Kent
Who went to a football event.
She sat near the goal
And opened her hole.
One guess as to where the football went?

Alex was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen.
One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the TV.
"Hey," Alex shouted, "what do you think you are doing?"
"I'm sick of sports, I'm sick of TV," she replied. "You haven't touched me in months. We're going to talk about sex right now!"
"OK, OK. So," he asked after a moment, "how often do you think Brett Favre gets laid?"

A horny young woman named Kate,
Had hoped for a really hot date.
But despite lots of kissing,
His erection was missing;
So next time she'll just masturbate.

A kinky young girl from Coleshill,
Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill.
They found her vagina,
in North Carolina,
and bits of her tits in Brazil.

An Accountant, a Lawyer, and a Cowboy were standing Side-by-Side using the urinal.
The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels before he finished.
He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."
The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I was educated in Horsefly and they taught us not to piss on our hands!"

 

 

 

[secondjag]

A Blonde enters a sex shop and asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."

 

 

 

[secondjag]

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks for old time’s sake.
He hires a prostitute, takes her up to a room and goes at it as best as he can for a guy his age.
After a couple of minutes he asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots?" He asks. "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."

I want to fuck her badly,” says Fred. “You mean, you badly want to fuck her,” replied Susan. “No,” said Fred. “I know my limitations.”

Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!
Father: Really, what?
Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

There once was a woman named Nancy,
Who waltzed with a man they called Clancey.
Soon after the dance,
He pulled down her silk pants,
Proceeding to tickle her fancy.

Every time Peter's mother invited her lover to their home, she put Peter in the closet.

One day her husband came home early, so her lover quickly hid in the closet with the boy. 
"Hey, mister," Peter said, "it's kinda dark in here, isn't it?" 
Why, yes, as a matter of fact it is." 
"Hey, you wouldn't want to buy my old baseball, would you? My dad just bought me a new one." 
"No, you don't really need baseballs in my line of work." 
"If you don't buy my baseball," Peter said, "I'll tell my dad where you are." 
"All right, all right," the lover groaned, "I'll buy your damn baseball. How much is it?" 
"Fifty dollars." 
The man didn't want to pay fifty dollars for a baseball, but he decided he had no other choice. The boy figured he was on a roll, so he asked, "Hey, mister, you want to buy my glove?" 
The lover didn't even bother arguing: "How much?" 
"Two hundred dollars!"

The man had just finished paying up when the woman opened the door and said the coast was clear. 
The next Sunday, the boy went to confession because he felt guilty for having conned his mother's lover out of a hundred and fifty bucks. "Hey, mister," he said, climbing into the confessional, "it's kinda dark in here, isn't it?" 
The voice groaned, "Not you again!" 

The popular blonde cheerleader bounced into the local card shop, looked around, then approached the clerk.
"Do you have any, like, really sexual special birthday cards?" she asked.
"Yes, we do," he replied. "As a matter of fact, here's a new one inscribed, 'To the Boy Who Got My Cherry.'"
"Wow, neat!" she squealed. "I'll take the whole box."

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her one the butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up, we could get rid of your girdle."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she controlled her anger and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch one the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

That did it!
She rolled over and grabbed him by the crotch. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man, and your brother!"

 

 

 

[secondjag]

If you believe in creation as espoused in the Bible, Adam and Eve's children would actually have had to have sex with one another for the Earth to have become populated. This is proof positive that Alabama was, at one time, the Garden of Eden

Rosie, the pretty, attractive nurse in charge of the cardiac desk, took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. 
"Doc, you got to help me," Ro pleaded. "It has gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with them. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week." 
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your willpower and resolve in this matter." 
"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed Ro. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward." 

The blind date hadn't been all that great, and she was relieved the evening was finally over.
At her apartment door, he suddenly said, "Hey! You want see my underwear?"
Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.
She glanced down and said, "Nice design. Does it also come in men's sizes?"

Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well hung.

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman, and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen, darling, I am not horny. I am just homesick."

A white guy goes to Jamaica on vacation.

On his first day there he goes to a bar. After a few drinks, he goes to the bathroom. As he pees, behind him enters a Jamaican man who walks up next to him and begins to relieve himself as well.
The white guy glances unintentionally and notices the Jamaican man has a penis tattoo. Surprised, he exclaims, "Hey! I have the SAME penis tattoo as you! Starts with a W and ends with a Y!"

The White guy happily shows his tattoo and says, "Look, I got 'Wendy', for my wife."

The Jamaican laughs and replies, "Nah mon, they are not the same. Mine says, 'Welcome to Jamaica mon, have a nice day!'"

 

 

[secondjag]

There once was a young holy roller,
Had a boyfriend attempt to console her.
She'd gone down on his cock,
That was hard as a rock...
Chipped a tooth, plus she knocked out a molar.

It was 0500 [aka 5 AM] at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks.
The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "This is an inspection! I wanna see you all formed up outside butt naked, NOW!"
So, the soldiers quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks.
The serge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly.

The captain comes along with his swagger stick. He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it. "DID THAT HURT?" he yells.
"No, Sir!" came the reply.
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man. He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear. "Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.
"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?
"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir! "

 

 

[secondjag]

At school one day the teacher heard cat noises coming from the class, and she discovered little Jimmy with a cat up his jumper. She said, "Why have you got your cat at school?" Little Jimmy started crying. "I woke up this morning to hear the postman tell Mummy 'I'm gonna eat your pussy today!"

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch, and I was testing it."
Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
The man exclaims, "Damn... this thing must be an hour fast!"

There once was a poor man named Crocket
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
So she cranked on the switch,
And Crocket took off like a rocket!

Billy-Joe and Betty-Sue get married, and Billy-Joe whisks her away to his daddy's hunting cabin in the woods, for a romantic 'nature honeymoon'...
He carries her across the threshold, and they get into bed, when Betty-Sue whispers in his ear "Billy-Joe, be gentle, I ain never been with a man b'fore."
"WHAT???" shouts Billy-Joe, and his little bride softly shakes her head...
Billy-Joe jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes, and races out the door, into his truck... down the mountain.... straight to his parents house... rushes inside screaming "Hey Daddy!, Paw! Git'up!"
His father rushes downstairs and gasps... "Billy-Joe, what're you doin here?
"Billy-Joe, still breathing hard from his mad flight, gasps "Well, Betty-Sue an I was in the cabin, and she toll' me she ain't never been with a man' afore.... so's I rushed outta there, an' lit back here... quick as I could! "
His father grasps Billy-Joe's shoulder in reassurance, and says "SON, Ya done the right thing.... Iffin she ain't good'nuff fer her family, she shure as shit ain't good'nuff fer ours!!"

 

 

[secondjag]

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. So, he stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. 
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a leg. 
The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing gear lets his hand slide up her leg. 
She immediately says "Father, remember Psalm 129." 
The priest apologizes profusely and removes his hand but is unable to remove his eyes from her leg. 
Further on when he changes gear and has ogled at her leg for the zillionth time, he lets the hand slide up the leg again. 
The Nun once again says "Father, remember Psalm 129." 
Once again, the priest apologizes "Sorry, sister, but you know the flesh is weak." 
Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his way. 
Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up Psalm 129 it said: "GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL FIND GLORY" 

The breasts of a barmaid from Crale,
Were tattooed with the price of brown ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in braille.

One Sunday morning, a young woman, who needed forgiveness for her sins, came to a Baptist church.
She got up in front of the congregation and stated, "Last week, I slept with a young soldier who picked me up at a bar, and now I ask the Lord's forgiveness."
"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation.
She continued, "Two days ago, I slept with a young sailor, but now I ask the Lord's forgiveness."
"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation again.
"But tonight, because I have come here and done my penance, I will sleep with the Lord," she finished.
But before the congregation could respond, an old drunk in the back yelled out in a clear voice, "That's right momma, fuck 'em all."

Softly seductive young Brenda
Wants a man who is sweet, kind, and tender,
And thoughtful and bright,
And sexually right
But mostly a very big spender.

She wasn't what one would call pretty,
And other girls offered her pity,
So nobody guessed,
The paternity test,
Would involve half the men in the city.

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever made love to a woman.
"Tarzan not know lovemake," he replied.
Jane explained to him what it was. Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. "Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for??!!"
"Always check for squirrel."

 

 

 

[secondjag]

A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir", replied to the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

We all knew a man named Matt
Who was short, bald, ugly, and fat.
I'm willing to bet,
The only pussy he gets
Is when he goes home to his cat.

There once was a man named Mort
Whose dick was incredibly short.
He climbed into bed
And his lady friend said,
"That's not a dick, it's a wart.

 

 

 

 

[secondjag]

nice to see ya Sean

 

A man walks into a bar in the outback, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10, who stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First, you have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second, there's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third, there's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned!

"I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight; then, nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

He drunkenly says, "Now, where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

There once was a woman named Jess--
Bisexual, she'd readily confess.
She loved a good dick,
but pussy she'd lick,
and leave both a wet gooey mess.

Priscilla, her breasts bouncing gaily,
Liked to screw with a friendly Israeli.
Just the thought of his schmuck
Got her ready to fuck,
Which they did six or seven times daily.

 

 

 

[secondjag]

Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office.
"What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.
"It's my boyfriend," gushes Judi. "He was working on the engine under the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!"
"My god," shrieks Carol. "Did it chop off his WHOLE finger!?"
"No thank goodness," sniffs Judi. "But it was the one just next to it!"

What do rednecks do for Halloween?
Pump kin.

One day, a blonde and a brunette were out for a ride in the blonde's new car. Suddenly, some jerk pulled in front of them. The blonde then put her lips on the steering wheel.
The brunette feared for her life, but had the courage to ask, "What are you doing?!" The blonde calmly replied, "I'm trying to blow the horn."

Once a young and devout holy roller,
Had a boyfriend attempt to console her.
She'd gone down on his cock,
That was hard as a rock...
Chipped a tooth, plus she knocked out a molar.

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her MD recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So, she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, “OK, take off all your crose.” So she did. “Now, get down and crawl reery fass to the other side of room.”

So, she did.

Dr. Chang then said, “OK now crawl reery fass to me.”

So, she did.

Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said “Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates.”

Confused, the woman asked, “What is Ed Zachary Disease?”

Dr. Chang replied, “It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.”

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."
The teacher asked, "Really? And what four little animals would that be, sugar?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and of course, I'll need a jackass to pay for all of it."
The teacher fainted.

 

 

 

[secondjag]

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, 
"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year, I'm gonna do it a little different! The last few years, I took your advice about where to go... 
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Becky Sue got pregnant... 
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas. I went to the Bahamas and Becky Sue got pregnant again. 
Last year you suggested Tahiti. I went to Tahiti and darned if Becky Sue didn't get pregnant again." 
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" 
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Becky Sue with me." 

There once was a man from Calcutta
Who took a sly peep through a shutter.
But all he could see
was his wife's twitching knee
And the arse of the man that was up her.

There was a young woman in Dee
Who stayed with each man she did see.
When it came to a test
She wished to be best,
And practice makes perfect, you see.

 

 

[secondjag]

There once was a man from Brighton
Who said to his girl, you're a tight 'n.
She cried “'pon my soul
You're in the wrong hole.
There's plenty of room in the right one.”

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin, and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So, what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, they guy reaches for his cigarettes But, the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "HEY, IT'S NOT A LIFE SENTENCE!"

 

 

 

[secondjag]

A Jew, a Catholic, and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting.

The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The Catholic, waived off this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."

To which the Mormon replied, "You guys ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000.
It happened again the next week.
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom.
"Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"
"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment  her. Chicks love to be complimented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand."
About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.
"Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.
"I took your advice."
"Didn't you compliment her?"
"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too."
"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.
"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment."
"What did you say?"
"For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport.
It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. 
The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Green Bay Packer Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

 

 

[secondjag]

Two girls were discussing their heavy smoking habits.
"I get such a yen for a cigarette," said one, "that the only effective countermeasure is to pop a Life Saver into my mouth and suck strongly."
"That's all very well for you," huffed her friend.
"But I don't happen to live in a house that's right on the beach!"

No bananas she said, with a sigh,
And a tear trickled down from her eye.
No cukes, no zucchinis,
No Oscar Meyer weenies,
"I'll have to go find me a guy."

My dental hygienist, Faye Ray,
Said, "Travis, eat pussy each day;
Your gums will be stronger,
Your teeth will last longer,
Coz pussy prevents tooth decay!"

Three golfers had a big golf game with a client in Arizona. They were running late, and as luck would have it, their car broke down. They found a repair garage nearby. 

The mechanic told them it would take four hours to fix their car. But he also told them, "You're in luck. I have a camel that the three of you can ride over to the golf course. This camel is smart. He can read stoplights - he'll stop and go just as the light directs." 

So, the three of them pile on the camel, golf clubs and all and took off.
An hour later the mechanic saw the three of them standing a couple of miles down the road and the camel was not in sight.
"What in the world happened and where's my camel?"
"Well, we had stopped at that light, and a car pulled up alongside of us. The guy in the car stuck his head out the window and said, 'Look at the three nuts on that camel!!'"
When we got off to look, the beast took off when the light turned green."

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. 
As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree. 
As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. 
They saw him, and one said, “I’ve always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt.” 
She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth. 
Her friend said, “Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!”
So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around his manhood, and the two walked away. 
Sometime later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. 
He raised his kilt... and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. 
After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said, “I don know where y’been, lad...but it’s nice t’ know y’ won first prize!”

 

 

[secondjag]

One lady from east Pennsylvania

Had a rather unorthodox mania:

She'd shave her dates' heads,

Strap them tight to their beds

And then masturbate on their bald crania.

A low-life from Summit, New Jersey

Had a thing about women in furs. He

Would sneak up behind,

Pull his putz out and grind

Till he'd cream in a stream like the Mersey.

"I bought a racehorse today."
"Oh, really?  What is the horse's name, gender, timing, and whatare you going to do with him??
"I've decided to call him 'My Face.' He is male, runs a mile in just under a minute.  I don't care if he doesn't win a race or if he makes me any money."
"Then why'n the hell did ya buy him??
I just want to hear thousands of those uppity posh bitches at the race course shouting:  “'Come on, My Face!' GOD I'd love to hear that!”

 

 

[secondjag]

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."

Little Bo Peep, has lost her sheep,
And doesn't know where to find 'em...
But a search revealed,
They were out in the field,
With Little Boy Blue behind 'em.

Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
she thinks they went to Buckingham
but when they were found
they were all gagged and bound
and Little Boy Blue was phucking'em.

 

[secondjag]

"I've got to get to the doctor and renew my prescription of birth control pills. I can't afford to get pregnant!" Edna said to her friend, Priscilla.
"But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy,"
Priscilla responded. "He did." replied Enda.

What did the wife do when she found out her husband was gay?
She turned around and took it like a man.

A mother was buying her a pair of shoes and whilst trying them on, the asks, "Why have they got L and R written on them?" Her mother replied, "So you know which feet to put them on." Her then says, "Is that why I have C&A written on my knickers?"

Let's try it this new way," said Jack
As he winked at the girl in the sack.
She turned and she grunted,
"I should be affronted,
But this time I'm taken aback!"

A Postman was retiring after 35 years of service. The town's people appreciated his work, and presented him different gifts.

In one house a young lady took him to her bedroom gave him good sex, a lavish lunch and 10 Rupees.

The Postman was very happy and asked "But why the 10 Rupees?"

Lady: "Actually yesterday, I asked my husband what to present you?"

He said *"Fuck him, just give him 10 Rupees"*

"But the lunch was my idea." 

 

 

[secondjag]

A deaf mute walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms.
He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf.
Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five-dollar bill next to it.
The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf-mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket.
Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.
"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

There once was a girl they called Trish
Who was quite a delectable dish.
Men savored her lips,
Then brought bags of chips,
For her pussy smelt strongly of fish.