Umm

[secondjag]

A maid asked the lady of the house for a pay increase.
Her boss was annoyed at this and asked, "Now Maria, why do you deserve a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife: (really furious now) "Did my husband say that as well?!"
Maria: "No Señora, the gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"

 

A couple had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So, one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. And saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device - a vibrator! Soft, wonderful, and larger than a ‘real one’.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him. "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy. You explain the kids."

There once was a man from Calcutta
Who took a sly peep through a shutter.
But all he could see
Was his wife's twitching knee,
And the arse of the man that was up her.

There once was a man from Brighton
Who said to his girl, you're a tight 'n
She cried 'pon my soul
You're in the wrong hole
There's plenty of room in the right one.

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization........

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed.
The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
"Okay, that makes sense, but . . . if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

 

[secondjag]

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink.
As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a costume party?"
"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protested the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

Gina: Let’s do a 68.

Allen: What’s a 68?

Gina: You do it to me, and I’ll owe you one.

A redneck took his 14-yr old to the Gynecologist. They waited in the Doctor's office when finally, the Doctor came in and asked the father:  "Well, what are we here for today"? The father answered: "to get my on birth control, Doc". "Well, is your sexually active?", asked the Doctor. "Nawww", answered the redneck, "she just lays there like her mother".

 

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

Charles was taking his out-of-town buddy, Clyde, on a walking tour of the city.

Clyde saw a good-looking girl and asked Charles if he knew her.
"Yes, that's Jacqueline -- one hundred and twenty dollars."
A little further along, Clyde spotted an even more stunning girl and asked if Charles happened to know her also.
"Yes, that Rosalynn -- one hundred and eighty dollars."
After the process was repeated twice more, Clyde remarked, "Good Heavens! Aren't there any respectable women in this city?"
"Of course!" replied Charles, highly offended. "But you couldn't afford them either."

 

[Kaktuscpl]

[Kaktuscpl]

[secondjag]

13 minutes ago, Kaktuscpl said:

 

7 minutes ago, Kaktuscpl said:

Great stuff Kak, thanks for sharing

[Kaktuscpl]

the "ALF" one had me crackin up for about 15-20minutes  LOL  

[secondjag]

[Kaktuscpl]

7 minutes ago, secondjag said:

LMFAO!!!!!

[secondjag]

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her.

She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."

 

[secondjag]

Sorry, just no idea where I want to put this stuff. Too tired to figure it out

 

 

[Kaktuscpl]

10 hours ago, secondjag said:

Sorry, just no idea where I want to put this stuff. Too tired to figure it out

 

 

LMAO @ "she shed"

[secondjag]

A young girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her.
Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off."
So off she went. After a little while at the party, boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her.
She asked him,"What will our baby be called?"
The boy found some excuse and disappeared.
Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders...
She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.
Later on, another boy invited her for a walk.
After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?"
He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off.
"What will our baby be called?" she asked once more.
He began to have sex with her.
"What will our baby be called?!" she asked again.
After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one, David Copperfield!"

 

[secondjag]

A young lesbian goes to her gynecologist for her yearly pelvic examination.
She puts on the paper gown and awaits him to come into the exam room.
Doctor instructs her to get up onto the table and place her feet in the stirrups.
As he is examining her she hears him saying "mmmm... mmmhmmm".
He completes the examination, instructs her to dress and then meet him in his office when she is done.
In his office she asks him if there was anything unusual that he observed during the exam because she could not help but hear his non-verbal comments.
"Oh, that" he says." I was just admiring you. You have the cleanest vaginal area that I have ever seen in all my years of practice."
The young woman proudly smiled and replied, "Why thank you! I have a woman come in twice a week and clean it!"

A young couple is on their honeymoon. After start having great sex, he says, "Now you won't see me for a while." "We're on our honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where the heck do YOU think you're going?" "Nowhere, sweetheart," he says. "Turn over."

A man with a long history of migraine headaches goes to the doctor. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've learned from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.
"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."

[secondjag]

After several years of serving the church in a faraway land, a priest is requested to report to his new assignment at a church in the South Bronx, New York.
Upon his arrival he set out immediately to learn the new culture by taking a walk down the street in plain clothes.
On his way a loose looking woman approaches him and in a lowered voice says, "Hey Buddy... blow job 25 bucks."
The priest glares at her confused and says "What's a blow job?..."
The woman is just as confused and says "What are you a comedian!" and walks off.
The priest undaunted walks on to the next block and again another seedy looking woman confronts him and again repeats, "Hey mister blow job 25 bucks."
The priest quickly replies "What is this blow job!?"
The woman looks at him surprised and thinking something's wrong hurries off.
The priest now very curious returns to the church to ask anyone he can find what exactly this thing he's never heard of is.
The first door he sees as he enters the church is that of Mother Superior.
The priest knocks on the door and Mother Superior invites him in to take a seat.
The priest looks at Mother Superior and says "I have a question - What is a blow job?"
Mother Superior quickly goes to shut the door and upon returning to her seat she replies in a whisper....
"Same as on the outside.... 25 Bucks! "

After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting in the doctor's office for the results.
"Well," said the doctor, "I have good news and bad news for you."
"The way I feel, please give me the good news first," replied the bachelor.
"The good news," announced the doctor, "is that your penis has grown an additional four inches since your last exam."
"Great!" the man shouted, "What is the bad news?"
"It's malignant," replied the doctor.

 

[secondjag]

Little Johnny is wandering up and down the aisles of a supermarket crying his eyes out.
"What's the matter fella?" asked a stock boy.
"I've lost my mommy!" wailed little johnny.
"Don't worry, we'll soon find her," soothed the stock boy. "Now tell me, what's mommy like?"
"Bourbon, and men with big, hard cocks," sobbed Little Johnny.

 

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in San Francisco where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.
As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.
"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.
"I haven't got an erection" said the man.
"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

After having a very pleasant 69 with his girlfriend, Joe remembered he had a dentist appointment. 
He was afraid the Dentist would notice the smell of pussy on his breath, so he brushed his teeth, used dental floss, and also used a whole 4-oz. bottle of Listerine.
As he arrived at the Dentist's office, he also ate a whole packet of strong mint Tic-Tacs.
His turn came up and the Dentist told him to take a seat in the chair. 
Feeling confident and relaxed, he opened his mouth wide.
The Dentist got close and asked, "So, you had a 69 before you came here, eh?"
Joe asked, exasperated, "How did you know?  Does my breath still smell like pussy?"
The dentist replied, "No... you have a skidmark on your forehead."

 

 

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

this probably belongs in one of my other strings but I'm tired

 

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did".

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye, he asks "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says "You".