Umm

[Kaktuscpl]

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Kak, dude; good stuff

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A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active.
The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female's room.
Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?"
Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."
Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"
Patient: "No. Who?"

 

A poor Jamaican fisherman was shipwrecked on a desert island. He had lost his boat, his livelihood, and his possessions.He was trudging around the island in a dejected mood when he came across an old brass lamp washed up on the beach.

Remembering the tale of Aladdin (and the role of magic lamps) he rubbed it. POOF! A Genie appeared - a Jewish one.

"Vey!" he said. "Am I glad to be outta there. Three hundred years I bin in that thing, my life and soul! What can I do for you, my boy?"
The Jamaican asked if the Genie granted wishes.
"Wishes, Schmishes! Course I do. I'll grant you two wishes, used to be three but I gotta think about my margins," the genie said.
"Well," said the Jamaican after some consideration, "I'd like to be white and surrounded by women."
"No problem," said the Genie.
POOF! The Jamaican was transformed into a tampon.
Moral: Never do business with a Jewish Genie -- there's always a string attached.

 

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[gloriafrenchsissy]

😆 Some of them are realy really funny!

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I met an older woman at a club last night. 

This isn't usually my thing, but she was attractive enough for a 50-year-old.

We had a few drinks, danced a little bit, and the next thing you know my hand was caressing her thigh and she was whispering dirty nothings in my ear. 

She asked me if I'd ever had a ‘sportsman's double’, a mother and dau 3-some? 

I said no. We drank a bit more, then she says tonight was my lucky night. 

We went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?" 

 

Once upon a time, Ole and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar but didn't have a lighter so he asked Ole for a light.
"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied and reached into his tackle box and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster??"
"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."

"You haff a genie?" Sven asked.
"Ya, shure, he's right here in my tackle box," said Ole.
"Could I see him?" Ole opens his tackle box and out pops the genie.
Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes I will", the genie said, so Sven asks him for a million bucks.

And the genie hops back into the tackle box and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.
Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard! Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million Bucks, not Ducks!"
Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?"

 

 

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One summer, a few years ago, a middle age French-Canadian man named Jacques decided to vacation on the coast of Maine. While soaking up some sun on the beach, a very pretty girl caught his eye and brought on his sexual desires. He immediately got up, ran to her, grabbed her by the hand and brought her to his hotel room. There he had sex with her and then sent the young lady on her way.

She immediately reported this to the police and Jacques was arrested.
On his court date the judge asked him if he understood the nature of the crime he committed against the young lady.

Jacques looked at the judge with a bewildered look and said "Non!! Hi don't understand! Hin my country you grab de pretty girl, bring her to de hotel room, BOOM-BOOM, give hit to her den let her go! Hit's O.K.!!!"
"Sir", the judge said, in THIS country if you are to have sex with a lady, you must have her permission first, or it is considered r********. You must have her consent!"
After hearing this, Jacques turned around and mysteriously looked at the judge and exclaimed, "CUNSCENT!!! Hi got her cunscent!!! Hi got her cunscent on my fingers, cunscent on my mustache, hi got her cunscent everywhere!!!

 

John and Marsha were having marital difficulties, neither being able to satisfy the other sexually.
One day Marsha visited her friend, Dorothy, who was quite a woman of the world, and casually mentioned the problem.
"It's not the first time I've heard of it," said Dorothy.
"You can go to all the doctors in the world and they can't help you. But there is a remedy."
"For God's sake, Dorothy, tell me what it is!" exclaimed Marsha.
She said, "Well, since you insist, and against my better judgment, I will tell you. The only remedy is for John to eat it."
"Oh, no!" exclaimed Marsha, "He would never do that!"
Dorothy shrugged. "There you have it -- take it or leave it. You asked and I told you."
Driving home, Marsha prepared an unusually fine supper for John that night.

When he returned from work, he enjoyed it mightily, but wondered a bit about the reason for it.

"That was a great meal," he said. "Anything unusual happen today? Enjoy your visit with Dorothy?"
Marsha told John of Dorothy's suggestion.
"Absolutely not!" he exploded.
"I won't engage in such disgusting practices."
But Marsha urged and begged until finally John gave in.
"OK," he said. "I guess it won't hurt to try it once."
Marsha went up and got into bed, pulling the covers up to her neck.
When John joined her in bed, he surveyed the scene and tried to decide how to proceed.

Finally, he raised the covers at the foot of the bed and crawled under them.

Groping around until he located his target, with much hesitation, he undertook his task.
No sooner than he started, Marsha broke wind explosively.
Under the covers, a muffled voice was heard to say....
"Thank God for that breath of fresh air."

 

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel. He asked the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started making passes, she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.
"It's OK," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."
So after a wild night of wild, erotic sex, the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay to have wild, passionate sex.
The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone has written in pencil: "The hat check girl puts out!"

 

 

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Tommy goes into a confessional box. He begins, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned;  I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?"
"Yes, Father, it's me."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't  want to ruin her reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Mary MacDonald?"
"No."
"Was it Ann Crotty?"
"No."
"Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Amy Mc Mahon?"
"No, Father."
"Was it little Cathy Morgan?"
"No, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins.
Your penance will be four’ Our Fathers’ and five ‘Hail Marys’. Go back to your seat."
Tommy walks back to his pew next to his buddy, Sean.
Sean, slides over and whispers, "What happened?!"
Tommy smiles, "Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys and six good leads."

 

 

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A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.

Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before I die."

She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

 

My girlfriend and I, decided to get married. My parents helped as much as they could, and all my friends said it’s a really good idea!

My girlfriend? She is a dream!

But there is something that bothers me! This something is her little sistee. This is my future 20 years old sister-in-law, wearing a super skinny, miniskirts and short blouses. Always leaning ahead and I was often lucky to see her underwear. She never did that in front of someone else!

One day she calls me and asks me to go home to see the wedding invitations.

When I arrived, she was alone. She whispered that soon I get married and that she has feelings for me for long time and that she thinks she can’t overcome them. She also said that she desperately wanted to have sex with me just once before I marry her sister.

I was shocked and could not say a word.

She said to me that she goes to bed and asked if I wanted to go up with her.

I froze and looked at her going up the stairs. Going up, she took her panties off and threw it at me.

I stayed there for a moment and then ran to the door. I opened it and I walked to the car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, "I’m glad you passed this little test, and I am sure that my could not find a better man. Welcome to the family, my son!" 

Moral Lesson: Always keep your condoms in your car!

 

[Kaktuscpl]

LMAO...Great stuff bro...

"I have to get up in the morning,you don't"===SAVAGE!!!

And robber and politician ..."Give me all your money...

                                              I'm  a politician 

                                              in that case .....give me all MY money"

DUDE....Now that's fucking funny right there...I don't care who you are 

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3 hours ago, Kaktuscpl said:

LMAO...Great stuff bro...

"I have to get up in the morning,you don't"===SAVAGE!!!

And robber and politician ..."Give me all your money...

                                              I'm  a politician 

                                              in that case .....give me all MY money"

DUDE....Now that's fucking funny right there...I don't care who you are 

yup, funny and sad because it's so true.

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Last year a young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism.

His very first assignment, for the newspaper who hired him, was to write a human-interest story. He decided to go into the Ozark Mountains to do his research.
He found an old farmer's house in an isolated section and introduced himself to the man. He then asked him, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"
The old farmer thought for a moment and said, "Yep, one time a neighbor's sheep got lost. We all formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it and took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young reporter exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?"
"Yep, one time a neighbor's got lost. We all formed a posse & found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
"Hell, I can't print that either!" cried the frustrated reporter. "Has anything ever happened that made you sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head and sit quietly for a few seconds.
Then he timidly replied, "Yep, I got lost once." 

 

A couple of teachers went on a date.

After dinner, the gentleman asks the lady, "Would you like a drink?"

The lady answers, "Why no. What would I tell my students if they found out that I was a drinker?"

"How about a cigarette?"

"Why no, what would I tell my students if they found out that I was a smoker?"

As they're driving home, they pass a motel, and the man asks," Would you like to stop at the motel with me?"

The lady answers, "Absolutely"

Surprised, the man asks, "But what will you tell your students?"

“I'll tell them that you don't need to drink or smoke to have a good time?”

 

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Jon was looking for a little "action."
He picked up a sweet young thing at the bar and took her back to his hotel room.
Little did he know that she was a raging nymphomaniac.
After six times having sex, she was screaming for more.
After the eighth time, Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.
On the way out, he stopped into the men's room.
He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped his pants, and felt a moment of panic when he couldn't find his tool.
After a couple of minutes fishing around, he finally said, "Look, it's okay. She's not here!"

 

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forgot these

 

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A man stumbled into a bar and said to the bartender, “Wow, was I drunk last night.”
The Bartender said, “You sure were.”
The man then said, “I gotta tell you what happened. Walking home I found a woman tied to the train tracks. So, I took her home and we had sex. First, I was on top. Then she was on top, and for hours we had sex in every position you can think of. It was unbelievable.”
The bartender was amazed. “Sounds like you had a great time. What did she look like?”
The man thought a moment. “I really don’t know. I never found the head.”

 

 

A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee.
The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner.
The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty.
As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee.
The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders.
As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full.
After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?"
The man says, "Two's fine."
She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup.
"And cream?" she asks.
The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "You wouldn't dare!"

 

 

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On Valentine's Day, a drunk young man walked up to an attractive woman and said, "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"
"Yes, but I know you're going to ask eventually anyway, so let's get it over with."
"Great.  How many men have you had sex with?"
"That's my business!" she snapped.
"Cool!  How much?"

 

Little Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing.
After a while grandpa gets thirsty and opens up his cooler for some beer.
Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa, can I have some beer too?"
"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked back.
"No."
"Well, then you're not big enough."
Grandpa then takes out a cigarette and lights up.
Little Johnny sees this and asks for a cigarette.
"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked again.
"No."
"Well, then you're not big enough."
Little Johnny gets upset and pulls out some cookies.
His grandfather says, "Hey, those cookies look good. Can I have some?"
Little Johnny asks, "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?"
Grandpa looks at Johnny and senses his trick, so he says, "Well of course I can, I'm big enough."
Little Johnny then says, "Well, then go fuck yourself. These are my cookies."

 

 

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