It's true; I'm back.
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?""Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.""That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show"."Sensible" says Jeff. "So, I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw.""And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."
Doctor Watson was told by Sherlock Holmes' gardener that there was a ‘doubtful’ looking schoolgirl in Holmes' bedroom.Watson heard strange muffled sounds coming from the bedroom, and, fearing that Holmes was danger, broke down the door to find Holmes and the girl indulging in a 69."Good God Holmes!" said Watson, "What kind of a schoolgirl is this?""Elementary, my dear Watson, Elementary."
Tarzan leaves the jungle, comes to civilization, and applies for a job.Interviewer: Name?Tarzan: Me TarzanInterviewer: Married?Tarzan: Wife JaneInterviewer: Children?Tarzan: Son boyInterviewer: Anything else to your name besides Tarzan?Tarzan: Tarzan, King of the JungleInterviewer: Jane's Whole NameTarzan: Jane's Hole named Pussy
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.
They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."
"Rubbish," replied the cocky young alien.
He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head.
"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"
It just so happens that Princess Di and Dolly Parton make it to the gates of Heaven on the same day.Saint Peter meets them at the gates and tells them that there is only one opening to be had so they needed to give their best reason why they should be admitted to Heaven.Dolly opens her shirt to reveal her magnificent breasts and tells Saint Peter to take a good look."Have you ever seen such a marvelous sight as these that God gave me? Surely these alone should be reason enough to admit me through these gates".Princess Di just pulls out a bottle of seltzer water, shakes it, shoves it up her privates and lets fly with the foaming water.Saint Peter opens the gates and directs Princess Di to enter.Dolly is incensed and says to Saint Peter "How could you let her enter??? I show you these marvelous breasts and she does an obscene act yet you let her enter before me?""Sorry Dolly," says Saint Peter. "But you know that a Royal Flush beats a pair any day."
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent house and meets his girlfriend at the door."Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!'
One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get hitched. He was a man of the world, and she was an innocent bride with no experience.On the first night of their honeymoon the couple has washed up and begun to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each other's bodies. Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis."Oh my," she says, "What is that?""Well, darlin'," the cowboy says, "that's ma rope."She slides her hands further down and gasps."Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks."Honey, them's my knots," he answers.Finally, the couple begins to make love.After several minutes, the bride says, "Stop, honey. Wait a minute."Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey? Am I hurting you?""No," the bride replies. "Just undo them damn knots. I need more rope!"
I pulled into a town I couldn't believe still existed in the 21st Century. A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said "General Store," and that was it.There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair. I said to him, "What do you folks do around here?"He said, "We don't do nothin' but hunt n' fuck."I said, "What do you hunt?"He said, "Somethin' to fuck."