Umm

[secondjag]

A young couple in love finally got all approvals and set their wedding date.
The frisky bride-to-be [she’s blonde] cuddles up to her fiancée and said, "Darling, you know I want to fulfill this fantasy of mine to make love before we get married. Could we?"
"But it's not long until June, dear," The cautious groom-to-be replied.
"Oh," she exclaimed. "And how long will it be in June, you think?"

This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please." A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

There was a man and a woman in a parked car at a drive-in movie.
They were having sex in the back-seat of a small sports car when the man suddenly slipped a disk in his back!
He was stuck. He couldn't move at all and neither could his girlfriend, she was pinned nude beneath her 250-pound lover.
They were desperate to get out so she managed to reach over the front seat with her leg and honk the horn. A big crowd gathered, all enjoying the free show.
Some women volunteers served them coffee through the window while others worked to free them.
Finally firemen cut away the car frame. The 250-pound man was lifted out and the woman, sobbing was helped out of the car, too.
The ambulance driver tried to calm her down telling her the man would be fine, but she was so upset.
She said she was worried about how she was going to explain to her husband what happened to his car!

 

[secondjag]

A young couple is on their honeymoon. After start having great sex, he says, "Now you won't see me for a while." "We're on our honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where the heck do YOU think you're going?" "Nowhere, sweetheart," he says. "Turn over."

One day a completely naked young lady walks into a bar. 
Of course, the bartender stares at her as she walks up to his bar. 
"What?" says the young lass. "Haven't you seen a naked lady before?"
The bartender continues to stare at her. 
 "Give me a beer," she says. "And stop staring like a fool!"
The bartender fetches her a brew. He then answers her original question: "Of course I have seen naked ladies before! But I am just curious as to where you'll pull the money from to pay for this beer."

 

[Peter C]

Becky likes her coffee white and her men black it seems!

[secondjag]

A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university.
"Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend."
"I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later.
I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked.
"The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got really sore."

 

A lady was quarreling with her maid, and the maid decided to tell her some home truths.

"I'll tell you, madam" she said "That your husband has told me himself that he thinks I am a better housekeeper, cook and laundress than you are! AND he thinks I am prettier. But that's not all. I am better than you in bed!" "I suppose he told you that too" demanded the lady. "No" she replied "The gardener told me!"

A young lesbian goes to her gynecologist for her yearly pelvic examination.
She puts on the paper gown and awaits him to come into the exam room.
Doctor instructs her to get up onto the table and place her feet in the stirrups.
As he is examining her she hears him saying "mmmm... mmmhmmm".
He completes the examination, instructs her to dress and then meet him in his office when she is done.
In his office she asks him if there was anything unusual that he observed during the exam because she could not help but hear his non-verbal comments.
"Oh, that" he says." I was just admiring you. You have the cleanest vaginal area that I have ever seen in all my years of practice."
The young woman proudly smiled and replied, "Why thank you! I have a woman come in twice a week and clean it!"

 

[secondjag]

One of Benjamin Franklin's more notorious works was his "Advice on Choosing a Mistress," in which he recommended picking a mature woman rather than a younger one. His reasoning boils down to four simple thoughts;

They don't yell.

They don't tell.

They don't swell.

And they're grateful as hell!!!

A young man grew fed up with modern life and decided to leave the big city and become a shepherd, spending months in the seclusion of the distant mountains alone with his thoughts and sheep.
So he went up the high mountains where he found three older shepherds with a big flock of sheep, and asked them to show him the ropes. The shepherds agreed.
The young man spent a week with them. One evening by the fire he asked casually, "So how do you guys get by with no women around here?"
Said one of the men, "Why, with so many sheep around, who needs women?"
The youngster shuddered: "Yak! How horrible! How can you...?" The three men only smiled and said nothing.
Another week passed and one morning the young man realized that the tension in his groin had grown unbearable.
He remembered what the men had said, and looking at the sheep, thought, "Hmm, why not after all...".
He chose a moment when none of the older shepherds were around, and grabbed one of the nearest sheep. However, the others showed up in a minute, and seeing him with the sheep burst out laughing.
"What? What?!!", shouted the young man, blushing. "You told me that's what you did yourselves, didn't you??!"
"Yeah, sure! But to choose the ugliest one??!"

A young man went into a sex shop to buy some condoms, and a sales girl approached him.
Sales girl: Can I help you, Sir?
Young man: Yes, I want to buy some condoms.
Sales girl: What size do you need, Sir?
Young man: I didn't realize they came in different sizes. I don't know what size I would need.
Sales girl: May I hold your penis to tell what size you would need? As she was holding the penis, she called for assistance: "Give me a SMALL one... Wait! Make it MEDIUM...Wait! Make it LARGE... Shit! Give me a TISSUE !!!"

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

A young man in a public swimming pool was startled when his swimsuit fell off.
He was in the deep end, and couldn't find it, no matter how desperately he looked.
Perplexed, he went to the shallow end and tried to figure out what to do.
As he stood there up to his chest in water and watched the young ladies in their bikinis, he was additionally stressed to realize that he now sported a raging hard on.
Finally, he struck up a course of action.  He jumped violently out of the water and shouted loudly, "Mad dog! Mad dog!"
Although most of the others in the pool began screaming in fear, a lusty redhead took a more direct course of action.
She tore off her bikini bottoms, flattened him on the ground and straddled him yelling, "Quick!  Let me muzzle that son of a bitch before it gets away!"

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimp, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.
After he had gobbled a few of them down a woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."
"Listen, love," He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey, and I'll do what I damn well want on this train."
He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimp. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.
The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles.
After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"
"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the woman, "I've paid my fare, and I'll do what I want on this train."
At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.
The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha, ha, you'll get fined $200 for that!"
To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get 20 years after the police smell your fingers."

 

[secondjag]

An older woman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week.

A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband."
The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week.
The husband replied, "Which days?"
The doctor answered, "Monday, Tuesday, and Friday would be ideal."
The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday, but on Tuesdays and Friday I golf, so she'll have to take the bus."

A young wife was at home waiting for her husband to get off work when the doorbell rang. It was the Fuller Brush Man with her order from the week before. She told him, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom." He readily agreed.
They made their way back to the bedroom and started having sex.  About the time that the Fuller Brush Man popped his nuts, there was a knock on the door. The wife said, "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be my husband!"
The guy crawled underneath the bed and the wife went to the door. It was the delivery boy from the grocery store with her grocery order. She said, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom."
Again, while the wife was fucking the delivery boy and he was cumming, the doorbell rang. The wife exclaimed, "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be my husband!" So, he also crawled under the bed.
At the door, it was the delivery boy from the drug store with her order. She said, "I don't have any money, but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom." They started fucking and just when the boy shot his wad, there was another knock on the door.
It was the insurance man who had come to collect the weekly payment. The wife said, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom".
They went back to the bedroom and starting getting it on and had just finished when the doorbell rang. "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be my husband!", said the wife. So, he got underneath the bed.
At the door was the coal truck driver with a load of coal for the furnace. He was a black man, unlike the crackers before him. The wife told him, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom".
They went back to the bedroom and consummated the agreement the wife had made. While the coal man was getting off, the doorbell rang again. The wife said, "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be my husband!"
She went to the door, sweaty and smelly and cum dripping from her cooze, and this time it WAS her husband. He came in and sniffed the funky smells in the air, and shouted at her, "Damn you! You been fuckin' somebody else again! I told you I was gonna pull all the hairs out of your cunt, one by one, if I ever caught you fuckin' again. Back to the bedroom and lay on the bed, bitch!"
They went to the bedroom and he threw her on the bed and started pulling hairs out of her pussy. As we know, it was pretty crowded underneath the bed but the ones who were there remained silent while the wife screamed at each pull of a hair. The husband finally had pulled all the hairs out except for one. He just couldn't get the last hair pulled out and he screamed, "Come on out of there, you kinky curly little bastard!"
With that, the coal driver stuck his head out from under the bed and said, "hey, there are four white gentlemans before me."

"Adam," the heavenly voice called to the Garden of Eden, "what did you and Eve do today?"
"We ate some fruit, Lord," Adam said reverently.
"Did you eat of the forbidden tree?" asked God.
"Yes, Lord, we did," Adam confessed.
"And then what did you do?" God asked.
"We had mad, passionate sex all afternoon."
"Where is Eve now?" the Lord bellowed.
"She's down at the brook washing herself out."
"Oh, no," the Lord moaned." Now all my fish are going to smell like PUSSY!"

 

[secondjag]

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.
As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.
"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.
"I haven't got an erection" said the man.
"No, but I have" replied the nurse

A young woman goes out drinking one night, something that she normally doesn't do, and she gets really plastered! The next morning she rolls over and discovers there is an elephant in bed with her! She looks at the elephant and says, "Oh no, I must have been really tight last night!" The elephant looks at her and waves his trunk a little and says, "Only the first time."

 

[secondjag]

Alex was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen.
One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching football, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the TV.
"Hey," Alex shouted, "what do you think you are doing?"
"I'm sick of sports, I'm sick of TV," she replied. "You haven't touched me in months. We're going to talk about sex right now!"
"OK, OK. So," he asked after a moment, "how often do you think Beckham gets laid?"

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. 

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with big gift certificate envelope. 

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars. 

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. 

At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values. 

At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligée. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison. 

Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. 

'....All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, .....but what's the dollar for?' 

'Well,' she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day ...and that we should do something special for you.  I asked him what to give you?

He said, "....Fuck him .........give him a dollar." 

The blonde then blushed and said, '.....but the breakfast was my idea.'

 

 

[Peter C]

[secondjag]

2 hours ago, Peter C said:

love the cat one.  thanks for sharing Peter

[secondjag]

sorry, couldn't resist including something from R. Crumb

 

There once was a young man named Sweeney
Who's girl was a terrible meany.
Her snatch had a hatch
With a catch that would latch,
And she could only be screwed by Houdini!

There once was a young man named Eugene
Who invented a screwing machine.
Concave or convex,
It served either sex,
And it played with itself in between.

 

[Peter C]

[cucksean]

5 hours ago, Peter C said:

Thanks Peter!  Love them!

[secondjag]

Sadie and Sophie are sitting at the kitchen table, bragging.
"My lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami," says Sadie.
"She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends. "
Sophie replies, "Yeah, my 's a whore, too."

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."

 

An 85-year-old man marries a substantial but lovely 25-year-old farmer's .

She is deeply in love with him, but because she is used to big, strapping farm types and because by comparison her new husband appears so old and frail, the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate adjoining suites.  She is most concerned that the old fellow could over-exert himself.

She is a fine, strong handsome girl and after the festivities she prepares herself in a filmy see-through negligee that shows off her large, pointed attributes and delightfully pneumatic derriere to the best effect, and settles back to wait for the knock on the door she is expecting.
In no time at all the knock comes and there is her groom, his manhood standing to attention, ready for action. They unite in vigorous conjugal union and all goes well indeed, whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.
A few minutes later, just as her eyes are closing, there's a knock on the door and there stands the old chap [solidly in the upright position] ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, she consents to further coupling, which is again vigorous, deep, and satisfyingly successful, after which the octogenarian bids her the fondest of good-nights and leaves.
She is both surprised and pleased at the performance of her new husband and is certainly ready for slumber at this point. As she begins to drift off into a slumber once again there is another knock at the door and there is the old chap again, fresh as a teenager and pointedly ready for more conjugal jig-a-jig. Once more they enter into sexual congress and once again it is definitely vigorous, deep and profoundly satisfying .
As they're lying together in each other's arms bathing in the afterglow of great sex, the young bride says to him, "I am truly impressed that a man your age has enough energy to make love to me in such a vigorous and satisfying way three times already tonight. I've been with fellows less than half your age that were only good for one, and did not plough my furrow nearly as strongly or deeply as you have."
The old chap looks rather puzzled and turns to her and says, "Oh. Was I already here?"

 

[Peter C]

[cucksean]

Thanks Peter...always love some good humor.

[secondjag]

A Californian doctor examining a young blonde woman with abdominal pains asked her if she was sexually active. She said that she wasn't.
A later examination showed that she was pregnant. 
Asked why she said that she was not sexually active, the blonde replied, “I'm not, I just lie there!”
When asked if she knew who the father was, with a puzzled look she replied, "No. Who?"

 

Q. What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
A. Nobody eats parsley.

Bob: "My doctor says if I don't give up sex, I'll be dead in a week."
Bill: "Why is that?"
Bob: "I've been screwing his wife."

A worried young man from Stamboul,
Discovered red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
"Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool."

An Accountant, a Lawyer, and a Cowboy were standing Side-by-Side using the urinal.
The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows ....he used about 20 paper towels before he finished.
He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."
The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I was educated in Horsefly, and they taught us not to piss on our hands!"

 

[Peter C]

[secondjag]

8 hours ago, Peter C said:

love 'em Peter.  cracked me up

[secondjag]

The bank robbers arrived just before closing and promptly ordered the few remaining depositors, the tellers, clerks, and guards to disrobe and lie face down on the floor, behind the counter.
One nervous blonde pulled off all her clothes and lay down on the floor facing upwards.
"Turn over, Cindy," whispered the girl lying beside her.
"This is a stick-up, not an office party!"

What's the difference between a penis and a prick?
A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying. A prick is the guy who owns it.

 

A woman has pains in her lower abdomen, so she goes to the gynecologist for a check-up.

The doc says, "Let me have a look... hmm... it's quite obvious -- you aren't having enough sex, but I think I can help you."
He drops his trousers on the spot and gives her a good shagging. "Now go into the next room and my colleague will give you a second opinion."
As it turns out, the colleague comes up with the same diagnosis, so he gives her a good shagging as well, and sends her into the next room for yet another examination.
The third diagnosis is, "No question. You are having too much sex!"
"But your colleagues said I wasn't having enough sex!"
"Oh," says the doctor. "You shouldn't listen to what the painters say."

 

[secondjag]

At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese woman behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.
She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, "For sex sex, wan free sex, for tonigh free."
I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!"
A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Don't get excited. What she said was: 466-136-4293!"

An ant and an elephant got married, despite the best advice of their friends. During their first intercourse, the elephant suffered a heart attack and died. "Crap," said the ant. "Five minutes of passion, and now the rest of my life digging a grave."

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van -- you know, shag carpets, big double bed in the back, all of that -- and suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh lover, whip me! Please whip me!"
Well, the guy, not wanting to pass up an opportunity like that, but unsure what to do as he has no whips around, gets an inspired flash, opens one window, snaps the antenna off his van, and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.
Almost a week later the girl notices that the welts she sustained are beginning to fester a bit and goes to her doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and exclaims, "Wow! Looks like you've got a bad case of Van Aerial disease!"

 

[secondjag]

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says, "I have had a lovely time. You look so beautiful. You remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?"
She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it, she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked.
She said, "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopedia last night, and it said 'Not well suited to bedding, but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall'."

A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper. He looked up and said, "Here is a great sale on tires!" His wife replied, "What do you want tires for? You don't have a car." He came back with, "I don't complain when you go out and buy a new bra!"

An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist.
Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain."
Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.
"That's not a foot!" screamed the receptionist.
"Holy shit, lady. I never knew you had a minimum!" replied the drunk.

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"Can I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Natalie" the man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else." said the madam.
"No. I must see Natalie" was the man's reply.
Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie.
Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row-too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "Macon, Georgia."
"Really" she said. "I have family in Macon, Georgia."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

 

[secondjag]

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good-looking, smartly dressed woman sitting on the bar stool.
He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there, how's it going?"
Having already had a few drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "Listen! I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter."
He says, "No kidding, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?

An Essex girl (AKA blonde) is crossing the road, when she gets hit by an XR3.
As she is lying on the ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of the car to see if she is all right.
"I'm so sorry luv! I just didn't see ya. Are ya OK?" he blurts out.
"Everyfink is just a blur, I can't see a fing" she says, tearfully.
Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight. He asks, "How many fingers have I got up?"
"Ah fuckin' 'ell NO!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm paralyzed from the waist down an' all!!!"

 

 

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and @@@@@@ myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So, twice a day for two weeks, she @@@@@@@ herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous...."

 

 

[Peter C]

[secondjag]

1 hour ago, Peter C said:

Help!! I need somebody.  Too funny Peter, thanks