Umm

[secondjag]

One day, Mom was cleaning junior's room, and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

"What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball."

There once was a woman from Latch,
Who jacked herself off with a match.
She got so excited,
The damn thing ignited,
And burnt all the hair off her snatch.

An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father says to his oldest son, "Tony! Why you a such a fat a boy?"
Tony says, "Poppa, it's a Mama's spaghetti! I can't a stop a-eating it."
Poppa says, "You should a take a smaller bites!"
Then Poppa says to his middle son, "Michael! Why you a such a fat a boy?"
Michael says, "Poppa, it's a Mama's lasagna. I can't a stop a eating it, it's a so good."
Poppa says, "You should a also take a smaller bites."
Then Poppa says to his youngest son, "Fredo! How you a stay so slim a and a trim a?"
Fredo says, "It's a so easy, Poppa. I eat a lots and lots of a pussy."
Poppa says, "Pussy? Pussy, that's a taste like shit!"
Fredo says, "Poppa, You should a take a smaller bites!"

 

[secondjag]

Three members of a weekly female bridge quartet were duly impressed when

the fourth arrived wearing a gorgeous new mink coat.

"That's a lovely garment, Dottie," purred one woman " It must

have cost you a fortune!"

"But it didn't," said Dottie, "just a single piece of ass.”

"You mean," continued the admirer of the coat, "the one that you gave your husband?"   

"No," smiled the coat wearer, "One that he got from the maid.”

There once was a vampire named Mabel
Who's menstrual cycle was stable
One weekend in four
She'd sit on the floor
And drink herself under the table.

There once was a preacher's
Who resented the pony he bought her.
Till she found that it's dong,
Was as hard and as long,
As the prayers her father had taught her.

A man goes into an ‘adult entertainment shop’ and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll.

"Would you like male of female?"

"Female, please."

"Would you like Black, or White?"

"White, please."

"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"

This question confused the man . . . and he replied, "What has the religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!"

"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

 

[Peter C]

[Peter C]

[Peter C]

[secondjag]

yup, I"m back; did ya miss me?

Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people have sex in the shower.  The other ten percent of them sing."
"Really?" asked the friend.
The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, "And do you know what song they sing?"
The friend nodded her head and replied, "No."
The therapist replied, "I didn't think so."

An old cowboy dressed to kill [with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps] went to a bar and ordered a drink. 
As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him,
"Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied,
"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am."
After a short while he asked her what she was.  She replied,
"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian.  I spend my whole day thinking about women. 
As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked,
"Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

An Aussie, a Yank, and a Canadian were having a bullshit session on this cruise ship.
The Aussie said, "In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn."
The Yank said, "That's nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift."
The Canadian said, "That's nothing, we have women with pussies this big." (He then stretched his hands so wide it'd do the biggest fish justice.)
"How do you screw them then?" asked the Yank.
"They stretch."

 

[Peter C]

1 hour ago, secondjag said:

yup, I"m back; did ya miss me?

Yes, very much so. Welcome back Jag!

[secondjag]

1 hour ago, Peter C said:

Yes, very much so. Welcome back Jag!

thanks Peter.  hope you guys are all living your best lives as well

 

[cucksean]

7 hours ago, secondjag said:

yup, I"m back; did ya miss me?

Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people have sex in the shower.  The other ten percent of them sing."
"Really?" asked the friend.
The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, "And do you know what song they sing?"
The friend nodded her head and replied, "No."
The therapist replied, "I didn't think so."

An old cowboy dressed to kill [with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps] went to a bar and ordered a drink. 
As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him,
"Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied,
"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am."
After a short while he asked her what she was.  She replied,
"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian.  I spend my whole day thinking about women. 
As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked,
"Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

An Aussie, a Yank, and a Canadian were having a bullshit session on this cruise ship.
The Aussie said, "In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn."
The Yank said, "That's nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift."
The Canadian said, "That's nothing, we have women with pussies this big." (He then stretched his hands so wide it'd do the biggest fish justice.)
"How do you screw them then?" asked the Yank.
"They stretch."

 

Welcome back Jag!  You are awesome!

[secondjag]

3 hours ago, cucksean said:

Welcome back Jag!  You are awesome!

aww thanks Sean, appreciate it

 

[secondjag]

A deaf mute walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms.
He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf.
Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five-dollar bill next to it.
The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf-mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket.
Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.
"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell, that, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away: "Hello! We're down here..."

A blonde went to the dentist one day to have a tooth pulled.

She was very nervous about it.

The dentist noticed this and while he was putting his gloves on, he started to talk to the woman so she wouldn't feel so nervous.
He asked, "Do you know how they make these gloves?"

The woman shook her head.
The doctor explained, "In a big rubber factory they have a whole lot of men and women with different hand sizes and they have to put their hands into a big huge tank of melted rubber and wait until it dries and then take it off and do it again."
The woman didn't even blink she seemed to be too busy trying not to panic.
So he tried telling her a joke or two but once again she didn't even smirk. So, he gave up about five to ten minute later.
In the middle of getting the tooth removed she burst out laughing and he had to stop in case she'd choke.
He asked, "What's wrong?"

She just laughed and said, "If that's how they make gloves I wonder how they make condoms."

During her annual checkup, a well-endowed lady was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.
"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"That's all right," said the physician. "I'll flick off the lights. You get undressed and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness, "Doctor, I've undressed. What should I do with my clothes?"
"Your clothes?" answered the doctor. "Put them over here, on top of mine!"

Sherry, a pert and pretty nurse, took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.
"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded.  "I am married, but It's gotten so that I go out with one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him.  And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist.  "And, you want me to strengthen your will power and resolve so you have the morals to quit going to bed with doctors?"
"For Heaven's sake, no!" exclaimed the Nurse.  "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterwards."

One day, a blonde and a brunette were out for a ride in the blonde's new car.
Suddenly, some jerk pulled in front of them.
The blonde then put her lips on the steering wheel.
The brunette feared for her life, but had the courage to ask, "What are you doing?!"
The blonde calmly replied, "I'm trying to blow the horn."

[secondjag]

been a while since I couldn't get on the board

Bill's friend Harry went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, so he asked her to dance.
She agreed, and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, Harry said, "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"
The flattered girl told him it was Channel #5.
Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"
Honest Harry replied: "Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it."

Billy-Joe and Betty-Sue get married, and Billy-Joe whisks her away to his daddy's hunting cabin in the woods, for a romantic 'nature honeymoon'...
He carries her across the threshold, and they get into bed, when Betty-Sue whispers in his ear "Billy-Joe, be gentle, I ain’t never been with a man b'fore."
"WHAT???" shouts Billy-Joe, and his little bride softly shakes her head...
Billy-Joe jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes, and races out the door, into his truck... down the mountain.... straight to his parents’ house... rushes inside screaming "Hey Daddy!, Paw! Git'up!" ....
His father rushes downstairs and gasps... "Billy-Joe, what'r you doin here?
"Billy-Joe, still breathing hard from his mad flight, gasps "Well, Betty-Sue an I was in the cabin, and she toll' me she ain't never been with a man' afore.... so's I rushed outta there, an' lit back here... quick as I could! "
His father grasps Billy-Joe's shoulder in reassurance, and says "SON, ya done the right thing.... Iffin she ain't good'nuff fer her family, she shure as shit ain't good'nuff fer ours!!"

 

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised, meself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Bob can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor.
The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.
Bob asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take some muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.
Bob says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok.
The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Bob the go ahead to "try out his new equipment."
Bob takes his wife out to dinner.

While at dinner Bob starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.
No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket, and disappears back into his pants.
His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bob says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass."

The Mississippi preacher rose with an angry red face,  and then said, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.

"I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven, and in your heart, you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke:

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"

The preacher fainted.

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around a public hospital.  During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful!  Why is he doing that?'
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very sorry that you were @@@@@@@ to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.'

'Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay,' said the woman.
 As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?

Again, the doctor spoke very calmly: 'Same illness, better insurance.'

 

 

[secondjag]

Vicki was still feeling a bit weak and not up to par, after her recent bout with the flu and went to see her Doctor.

After a quick examination, he said, "You look weak and exhausted! What have you been doing? Are you getting out in the fresh air, getting enough exercise, and having your meals 3 times a day, as I advised on your last visit?"
Vicki, looked up, a bit surprised and exclaimed, "Oh Doc, I've sure been getting the first two, but on that last one, I woulda swore you said three males a day!"

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a beautiful girlfriend with big breasts.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big breasts, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, got angry all the time and threatened suicide. So, I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So, I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a beautiful girlfriend with big breasts.

 

A mother has told her little girl all about the making of babies.

Little Susie is now silent for a while.

"You understand it now?" The mother asks.

"Yes, I think so," replies her .

"Do you still have any questions?"

"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"

"In exactly the same way as with babies."

"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy will fuck ANYTHING!"

 

[Peter C]

[secondjag]

The Secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.

The Boss called her into his office and said, “Now look, Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here.”

He took a breath, and continued, “Who told you, you could come and go as you please around here?”

Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, “My lawyer.”

 

[secondjag]

The bride-to-be was advised by the marriage counselor to never completely disrobe in front of her husband when retiring, for decorum's sake.

One night, six weeks after the wedding, the husband said to his bride, "Is there any insanity in your family?"
"Why, no," she said. "Why do you ask?"
"I was merely wondering," said he, "why you haven't taken your hat off since we've been married?"

 

[Peter C]

[secondjag]

On the first day of their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie, and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."
Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?

A couple decided to go to Alaska for a romantic weekend.
When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place.
He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them.
So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood.
He came in after another 5 minutes and said "honey my hands are cold again."
So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them.
So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood.
Five minutes has passed and he went in again and said, "Honey  my hands are cold again."
She then said, "Damn, don't your ears ever get cold?"

 

[secondjag]

The dull and desperate looking woman sat disconsolately in her attorney's office. "On what grounds do you want a divorce?" asked the lawyer.
On the grounds of extreme cruelty," she replied. "He want sex every night, front and back, and he has a dick like a donkey's! - It hurts like buggery!"
The lawyer raised an eyebrow and said, "If that is the case, I will file your petition."
"File my petition? Pig's bloody arse you will!!! Let that bastard sandpaper his!"

 

This couple walks into a bar: The man goes off to the loo, and leaves the women standing at the bar.

A bloke goes up to the women and says, "I really really want to squeeze your tits. Will you let me?"
The lady turns around and says, "How dare you, get away from me, you sicko!"
The bloke then says, "Oh you have a lovely arse can I rub it, please let me?"
The lady turns around and says, "Look you pervert get away from me! I'll get my boyfriend to beat you up if you don't piss off!"
The bloke takes no notice and continues to the woman, "I want to tip you upside down and fill you up with beer and down it in one big gulp."
"RIGHT... THAT IS IT" shouts the woman.
Just then her boyfriend comes out from the bog and says, "Whaz goin' on here?!?"
The woman says all hysterically, "That bloke over there said he wants to squeeze my tits!"
Her boyfriend rolled up one of his sleeves and was just about to smack him when the lady shouts "That's not all, he wants to rub my arse!"
So her boyfriend rolled up the other sleeve!
"And do you know what else he said? He wants to tip me upside down and fill me up with beer and down it in one big gulp! So, are you going to beat him up then?"
Her boyfriend rolls down his sleeves and says "Of course not, darling. I ain't messing with a bloke that can drink that much beer!!!

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, ‘Fishing or Sex?’ She said, ‘Wear sun-block.’”

 

 

[Peter C]

[secondjag]

no jokes at the moment

 

[secondjag]

Son: "Daddy, what does a vagina look like?"
Father: "Well son, it's like a very pretty, delicate flower that must be plucked very gently."
Son: "Well what does it look like after you pluck it?"
Father: "Like a bulldog with a mouthful of mayonnaise."

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies, "a Divorce Attorney."

 

[secondjag]

A young secretary, having just returned from a great week-long vacation in South America, walked into the local bank and asked about exchanging currency.
The teller said he would try to help her.
After she plopped a huge wad of bills onto the counter, the teller then counted it, made a phone call, and returned to count out $27.18.
The wide-eyed woman gasped. "You mean to tell me that's all I get for that mountain of bills?"
"I'm afraid so Miss," replied the teller. "That's the current rate of exchange according to our foreign exchange section."
"Good Grief!" she hissed. "And, I gave that cheap skunk breakfast, too!"

 

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called his wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will die.
- Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
- Be reasonably pleasant and try to get him into a good mood.
- For lunch, fix him something hot.
- For dinner, prepare something hot and fairly nutritious.
- For a while, don't burden him too much with unnecessary chores.
- Try not to discuss your stress about the house work and the soap operas too much, when he is worrying about the family business, that would just make him feel worse.
- And most importantly, you must have sex with your husband at least one day of every week.
If you can do this for at least 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say to you?"
"You're gonna die."

 

[secondjag]

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did."
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

[the author this joke has obviously never tried to fly Southwest out of Chicago’s Midway Airport in winter…]

At a PTA Meeting, it was explained to the parents how the sex education classes would proceed and what the overall content would be. The Principal advised the parents to closely follow-up with their children, especially to see if they had any questions.
That night, one parent decided to put it into action. He called his older son into the study and requested that he instruct his younger brother about the "birds and the bees" talk he gave to his son two years ago; thinking to spare himself the ordeal all over again.
The boy agreed and rushed off to talk with his younger brother. "Hey Herman," he said, "want to know something?"
"What?" the younger lad asked.
"You know how a man and a woman get together and fuck when they want to have kids?"
"Yeah?"
"Well... Father wants me to tell you that birds and bees do the same thing."

 

This guy is between the sheets with this woman when he hears the garage door open.

"It's my husband," the woman says. " Here start ironing these." tossing him a pile of shirts.

The husband walks in and asks why there is this strange man ironing shirts.

She tells him that he is the new housekeeper.

Her husband seems to accept this.

The guy stays and finishes the shirts, leaves, and walks down the street to catch the bus.

He can't help but brag about what just happened, and tells a man waiting next to him.

The man looks at him and says," Pal are you talking about a nice-looking brunette who lives in that 2 story brick job on the corner of Main and Park?"

"Yes, I am."

"Hell, son, who do you think washed them damn shirts anyway."

The banker saw his old friend, Tom, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was.
The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker. Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

 

[secondjag]

David and Simon are sitting in the cafeteria discussing their weekend.
"Man this weekend was the best!" David says. "I finally scored."
Simon says, "Yeah, well I scored and it was the worst experience I've ever had."
"How so?" replies David.
Simon relates, "That girl, Cecilia, brought me back to her room and said she would do anything I want.
“So I asked her to go down on me, and she said no problem. In the middle of the whole thing, she starts turning green, coughing like crazy and passes out."
"Damn!" Simon says. "What happened?"
David responds, "Turns out she's allergic to nuts."

 

Bob: "My doctor says if I don't give up sex, I'll be dead in a week."

Bill: "OMG! Why is that?"

Bob: "I've been screwing his wife."

A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love.

The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her.

She wants more and they do it again.

She still wants more and the guy, by now exhausted, says:

"Excuse me a minute I have to relive myself."

While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat. He goes up to the guy and says; "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me."

The guy agrees. He jumps into the back of the car and starts to go at it with the woman.

He's just getting to the gravy strokes when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them.

The cop asks, "What're you doing in there?"

The guy says "I'm making love to my wife."

The cop asks, "Why don't you do that at home?"

The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."