Umm

[secondjag]

Judi was startled to see the nonchalant way John was taking the fact that his lady love was seen with another man.

"You said you love her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn't knock the guy down?"

"I'm waiting," Jon said.

"Waiting for what?" asked Judi.

"Waiting to catch her with a smaller guy."

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" 

"Of course. What may I do for you?" 

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" 

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." 

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." 

When they got to Customs, she let the Priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" 

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." 

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" 

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."  Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

 

 

[secondjag]

Doctor Watson was told by Sherlock Holmes' gardener that there was a doubtful looking schoolgirl in Holmes' bedroom.
Watson heard strange muffled sounds coming from the bedroom and, fearing that Holmes was danger, broke down the door to find Holmes and the girl indulging in a 69.
"Good God Holmes!" said Watson, "What kind of a schoolgirl is this?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson, Elementary."

A beautiful, young lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a check-up.
The doctor claimed that he had to use a thermometer for the check-up. 
So, the doctor asked her, "Where shall I put the thermometer?"
The girl replied, "...uh ...not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it."
"Okay...let's try your armpit." the doctor suggested.
"Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?" the girl queried.
"Okay then," so he put the thing in the girl’s butt.
Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "that's not my butt, Doc!"
The doctor replied, "That's okay dear...  it's not the thermometer, either."

A man was out in his backyard trying to fly a kite. He would throw the kite up into the air, the wind would catch it, it would spin around for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down.
He tried this over and over, several times. All the while his wife was watching from her kitchen window.
Muttering to herself how men need guidance in everything, she opened the window and yelled, "You need more tail."
The man turned to her and said, "Well, make up your mind. Last night you told me to go fly a kite."

 

[secondjag]

A pretty female student comes to a young professor's office hours.

She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. “I would do anything to pass this exam," she says.

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..."

He returns her gaze, "Anything?

"Anything.

“His voice softens, "Anything?

“Anything," she repeats again.

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"

 

[secondjag]

going to be a long one.  buckle up

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first-year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "He's probably playing golf with his friends."

 

[secondjag]

Q. What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
A. Nobody eats parsley.

 Sex before marriage is considered a sin...
Sex after marriage is considered a miracle!

A door-to-door salesmen knocks on a neighborhood door.
A little boy answers the door and the salesman says, " Hi little fellow, is your mother home ?"
"Yes," said the lad, "she's out in the backyard screwing our goat."
" No," says the salesman, " I don't believe you."
The boy says, " Come see for yourself."
So the salesman takes a look in the backyard, and sure enough, there was the mom bent over with a large goat screwing her from behind.
The salesman said to the boy, "isn't your mom afraid she'll get pregnant?"
The boy says, " N-a-a-a-a-a……"

 

 

[secondjag]

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover.
The first woman says, "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."
The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kind of like that."
The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

 

[secondjag]

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: a Tube of K-Y jelly; a rubber glove; and a beer.
When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the beer is for?"
At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Damn it, Elaine, I said a 'Butt Light'!"

There was a man and a woman in a parked car at a drive-in movie.

They were having sex in the back-seat of a small sports car when the man suddenly slipped a disk in his back!

He was stuck he couldn't move at all and neither could his girlfriend, she was pinned nude beneath her 250-pound lover.

They were desperate to get out so she managed to reach over the front seat with her leg and honk the horn.

A big crowd gathered, all enjoying the free show.

Some women volunteers served them coffee through the window while others worked to free them.

Finally, firemen cut away the car frame. The 250-pound man was lifted out and the woman, sobbing was helped out of the car, too.

The ambulance driver tried to calm her down telling her the man would be fine, but she was so upset.

She said she was worried about how she was going to explain to her husband what happened to his car!

 

 

 

[secondjag]

During the wedding reception in the family's southern mansion, the bride's Granddaddy slipped her five $100 bills and told her that it was for her and to keep it for "mad money, so she stuffed them in her gloves
By family tradition, the couple spent their first night together in their historic plantation house.

Later that night, after all the guests had left, the bride's Grandmother saw her sneaking down the stairs, and asked where she was going.

"I left my gloves in the library, Grand-MaMa, and it's important that I have them."
"Oh you youngsters!" the Grandmother sighed. "You march yourself right back upstairs and grab hold of that damm thing with your bare hands just like I did your Grandfather's."

 

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

"Jill, I don't know what to do," Nadine said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Mike in accounting asked me out for Saturday night. Should I go?"
"Oh, my gosh," Jill exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll pull up your dress, rip off your panties, and you'll have a fantastic experience!"
"Oh my, what should I do?" asked Nadine.
Jill winked and replied, "Wear an old pair of panties."

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, thereby saving jobs. They will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.

Ethel was a bit of a speed demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Goofy Gordon stepped out with his arms outstretched.

"STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. Have you got a license for that thing?".
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him.  "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Wally popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said "Carry on, ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection.
"Oh, Crap" cried Ethel, "not the Breathalyzer again!"

 

[secondjag]

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s ass?
A Mechanic.

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".
The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button..."
The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she's pretty, but teachers are just too frigid".
The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.
6.00 a.m.  The phone rings it's the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The nurse's husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock.
The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
Joe asked, What happened sir? You married a nurse." The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying "you're not sanitary, you're not sanitary".
Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.
6:30 a.m.  The telephone operator's husband calls for breakfast. Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock.
The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.
Joe asks," What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as their voices."
The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."
Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teacher's husband will be calling any minute.
4:30 p.m. The teacher's husband called for breakfast. Joe can't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couples’ room.
The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.
Joe fearing the worst asked "What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"
The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher.
All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying, "We are going to do this over and over, until we get it right."

After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move.
When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly she jerked away, got out of the car and walked home. That night she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were necking, he slid his hand up Mary's skirt. Once again, she pulled away, got out of the car and walked home. That night she wrote in her diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time Mary didn't get home until very late. That night she wrote, "Dear diary: There comes a time when even the best of friends must part."

 

[secondjag]

A father comes into the bedroom to find his 13-year-old smoking a cigarette.
"My God! How long have you been smoking?" screams the father. "Since I lost my virginity," replies the girl. "You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hell did this happen?" shrieks the father. "I don't remember," says the girl. "I was completely drunk."

The sea captain's tender young bride
Fell into the bay at low tide.
You could tell by her squeals,
That some of the eels,
Had discovered a dark place to hide.

Every day Little Johnny went to the park and sat on the park bench to watch the squirrels climb the tree.
One day while Little Johnny was sitting on the park bench, Susie walked by and unzipped Little Johnny's fly.
He went home and told his mother about it and she said, "Tell the little girl not to do that again because you have a mouse in your pants."
The following day Little Johnny was sitting there and Susie did the same thing again.
As his mother told him, Little Johnny exclaimed "Don't do that because I have a mouse in my pants."
At that remark, Susie lifted her skirt and said, "Go get 'em Pussy.

 

[secondjag]

One of two gays who were living together fell in love with the handsome young doctor across the street.
"I'd just love to meet him," said one gay to his roommate, "if you have no objections. But I don't know how to go about it."
"I don't mind, sweets. Have your fling. Just pose as one of his patients."
So the first one went to the doctor's office the next day and said his name was Smith.
"What's your problem, Mr. Smith?" the doctor asked.
"Oh, Doctor, I have such a terrible pain in my rectum."
"Let's have a look," said the doctor. "Take off your trousers."
The doctor parted his cheeks and looked up inside with a flashlight.
"Holy smoke!" the doctor exclaimed. "No wonder you have pains. Do you realize that you have one dozen roses up in there?"
"Never mind the roses," the patient said. "Just read the card!"

 

[Peter C]

Edited October 29, 2022 by Peter C
Two cartoons added

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

On the last day of his French class, Professor Lint goes over the final exam. "The exam will test your comprehension. It'll be divided into two parts: a multiple choice exam, and an oral exam.
Heather realizes that she needs to do well on the final exam, or she won't graduate.
After class, Heather meets Professor Lint in his office.
"Professor Lint," she says in a sexy voice, "I don't think I'm going to pass the class and I was hoping you could help me out."
Pretty soon, Heather and the professor are having wild sex in his office.
Afterward, Heather asks "How's my comprehension?"
"So far so good," the professors says, "but you need to come back tomorrow at noon."
"What's tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow," Professor Lint says "is the oral part of the exam."

 

[secondjag]

A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that read:
"Dear Wife:
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18-year old secretary."
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him at the front desk that read as follows:
"Dear Husband:
I, too, am 54, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. You, being an accountant, will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

Father Harris was motoring along a country lane in his parish on a spring afternoon when, all of a sudden, he got a flat tire.
Exasperated, the priest stopped his car, got out, and assessed the damage.
Luckily a four-wheel-drive jeep rounded the bend and pulled to a stop behind the crippled vehicle.
The door to the jeep opened and out stepped a powerful hunk of a man.
"Good afternoon, Father," greeted the stranger. "Can I give you a hand?"
"Heaven be praised," rejoiced the priest. "As you can see, my son, I have a flat tire, and I must admit I've never changed one before."
"Don't worry about it, Father. I'll take care of it."
And without skipping a beat, the bruiser picked up the front of the car with one hand and removed the lug nuts from the base of the flat tire with the other.
"Why don't you get the spare from the trunk?"
"Why, ahh, yes, of course, my son," stuttered the amazed Father Harris.
The priest rolled the spare around to the strong- man who casually lifted it up with his free hand, maneuvered it into place, and proceeded to tighten the lug nuts.
"Do you need the wrench?" the Father queried.
"That's OK," the fellow told him. "These nuts are as tight as a nun's snatch."
"Hmmmm..." mused Father Harris. "I'd better get the wrench."

A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.
While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug!"
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss."
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich."
She says, "Yaaah, in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich, too, but we usually put more meat in it."

 

 

[secondjag]

A little boy asked his dad, "What's between mom's legs?"
The father replied, "Paradise."
The kid asks again, "What's between your legs?"
The father replies, "The key to the paradise."
The son says, "Piece of advice dad; change the lock, the neighbor has a copy."

An important executive was telling friends at his country club about some of his life experiences: "So I bought this yacht that could carry fifty people; and I took it out for a maiden voyage, and it hit a reef and sunk."
"Then I bought an airplane and on the first flight it hit another plane on the field and burned up."
"Then I married this beautiful blonde and no sooner did I get home than I found her fooling around with the chauffeur, and I had to divorce her."
"So what's the moral?" one of the others asked.
"Clear as a bell," said the old man. "If it swims, flies, or fucks... lease it, don't buy it."

 

[secondjag]

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions:
One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one", says the other cowboy, "what is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours, and you mount her from behind, and you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's," and then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."

A fellow on his wedding night in the hotel room says to his new wife. "My God! I never realized you had such huge droopy breasts."
The wife has a major dummy spit and throws him out of the room.
While he is sitting in the hall another fellow comes out down the hall. "What happened?" asks the first man.
"Well" replies the other "I first saw my new wife naked tonight, and all I said was "Hells bells! I didn't realize you had such a big fat droopy arse..." Then she threw me out.
Just then a third fellow comes storming out into the hall with a face like thunder. "Hey" says the second fellow, "did you put your foot in it as well?"
"No" says the third fellow, "But, shit! I bloody well could have!"

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc., and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl." "No, that is still too crude. Try again."
 They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?"
"Well, I raised over 700 little peckers last year."

 

[cucksean]

51 minutes ago, secondjag said:

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions:
One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one", says the other cowboy, "what is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours, and you mount her from behind, and you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's," and then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."

A fellow on his wedding night in the hotel room says to his new wife. "My God! I never realized you had such huge droopy breasts."
The wife has a major dummy spit and throws him out of the room.
While he is sitting in the hall another fellow comes out down the hall. "What happened?" asks the first man.
"Well" replies the other "I first saw my new wife naked tonight, and all I said was "Hells bells! I didn't realize you had such a big fat droopy arse..." Then she threw me out.
Just then a third fellow comes storming out into the hall with a face like thunder. "Hey" says the second fellow, "did you put your foot in it as well?"
"No" says the third fellow, "But, shit! I bloody well could have!"

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc., and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl." "No, that is still too crude. Try again."
 They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?"
"Well, I raised over 700 little peckers last year."

 

Thanks Jag!

[secondjag]

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
Flustered, he said "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it."
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

 

The varsity girls track team coach just couldn't seem to win a meet. Six losses in a row. He decided it would be best if he put his girls on anabolic steroids.

Soon his girls were performing like stars. They went undefeated for the rest of the year. They won State and were on their way to the Nationals.

On the bus trip, Sally, the star sprinter struck a conversation with the coach.
Sally: "Coach, I have a problem!"
Coach: "What's that Sally?"
Sally: I'm developing thick hair on my body!"
Coach: What part of your body?"
Sally: My chest, coach."
Coach: "How far does the hair go down, Sally?"
Sally: "Well coach, it goes clear down to my nuts, which is another thing I wanted to speak with you about!"

 

[secondjag]

An American sailor on liberty visits one of those Japanese bath houses and pays for the deluxe treatment. So, three bath maids start working him over.
First they dunk him in the hot water and lather him up good, then dunk him in the cold water and back in the hot water. They cleaned out his toenails and scrubbed his knees, elbows and behind his ears. Then again in the cold then hot tubs.
He was feeling totally cleaned and refreshed when one maid asks, "Ah sooo, you want the wax job?"
The sailor says, "Well I want everything I'm supposed to get since I paid for the deluxe."
So the bath maid takes his manly parts and lays them out on a marble bench. While holding his pecker up, she then raises her right hand and with a 'Hi Yahhh' she karate chops his nuts... causing wax to shoot out both of his ears.

 

[secondjag]

To get acquainted with his new Parish, the Priest decided to call on someone daily. One member was a young widow. Her husband, according to the index card, had died two years ago.
After knocking at the door, he was greeted by a young lady with a baby in her arms.
He said, "I'm sorry, I must have the wrong address, I was looking for the widow Lafitte."
"You've found her, Father," smiled the lady.
"Well, according to the card here, it says your husband died over two years ago," he said glancing at the baby in her arms.
"That's correct Father, he surely did... but I didn't."

Ole and Sven were fishing in the Michigan’s Upper Peninsula when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.
'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster?'
'Vell,' replied Ole, I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.
'Could I see him?'
Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat DA Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

 

A airplane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, co-pilot, navigator and stewardess.
He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place."
The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the co-pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."
The co-pilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So, if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."
The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the stewardess's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place."
No one says a word, but the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic.

The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind some crates in the hold, and tied him up.
The pilot then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so. "I told him, sir," she replied, "that if he killed me, he'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your blowjobs."

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some.  Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop.  "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady.  "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone  sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop.  "OK, good luck!  By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

 

[secondjag]

Fred and Jim are having a quiet beer one night, when Fred, out of the blue, announces that he's going to divorce his wife.
"Good grief" says Jim, "You and Sue are the happiest couple I know, Why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of obvious bliss?"
"Well" replies Fred, "Truth be known I'm just bored with pokin' the same hole night after night after night. I guess I'm hankerin' for a bit of variety."
Jim: "Well if you want variety, why don't you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?"
Fred: "What - and have a house full of kids??!"

 

A Californian doctor examining a young blonde woman with abdominal pains asked her if she was sexually active.

She said that she wasn't.

A later examination showed that, indeed, she was pregnant.

Asked why she said that she was not sexually active, the blonde replied, "I'm not, I just lie there!"

When asked if she knew who the father was, with a puzzled look she replied, "No. Who?"

 

[secondjag]

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt, and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Y-e-s" she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God. I was afraid you were sitting on the cat."

 

The bank robbers arrived just before closing and promptly ordered the few remaining depositors, the tellers, clerks, and guards to disrobe and lie face down on the floor, behind the counter. One nervous blonde pulled off all her clothes and lay down on the floor facing upwards. "Turn over, Cindy," whispered the girl lying beside her.

"This is a stick-up, not an office party!"

I got the ultimate rejection today. I was masturbating, and my hand fell asleep.

Q: What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't??
A: A navel.

 

Eli Horowitz was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home.

He walked into the house and found his wife Fanny in bed, having sex with another man.

He started to yell at the interloper, "What right have you got to be making love to my wife?"
The man answered calmly, "You may as well know that I am in love with Fanny, and I would like to marry her. I understand you're a gambler. Why don't you be a good sport and sit down and play a game of gin rummy with me? If I lose, I'll never see her again; if you lose, you must agree to divorce her... Okay?"
"Okay," replied Horowitz, "but just to make it a little more interesting, why don't we also play for a dollar a point?"