Umm

[secondjag]

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here, good looking. I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on... It doesn't matter to me. I just love it." His eyes now wide with interest, he responds,

 "No kidding... I'm a lawyer, too. Are you corporate or criminal?"

John & Marsha were having marital difficulties, neither being able to satisfy the other sexually.
One day Marsha visited her friend Dorothy, who was quite a woman of the world, and casually mentioned the problem.
"It's not the first time I've heard of it," said Dorothy.
"You can go to all the doctors in the world and they can't help you. But there is a remedy."
For God's sake, Dorothy, tell me what it is!" exclaimed Marsha.
She said, "Well, since you insist, and against my better judgment, I will tell you. The only remedy is for John to eat it."
"Oh, no!" exclaimed Marsha, "He would never do that!"
Dorothy shrugged. "There you have it -- take it or leave it. You asked and I told you."
Driving home, Marsha prepared an unusually fine supper for John that night. When he returned from work. he enjoyed it mightily, but wondered a bit about the reason for it.
"That was a great meal," he said. "Anything unusual happen today? Enjoy your visit with Dorothy?"
Marsha told John of Dorothy's suggestion.
"Absolutely not!" he exploded.
"I won't engage in such disgusting practices."
But Marsha urged and begged until finally John gave in.
"OK," he said. "I guess it won't hurt to try it once."
Marsha went up and got into bed, pulling the covers up to her neck.
When John arrived he surveyed the scene and tried to decide how to proceed.
Finally he raised the covers at the foot of the bed and crawled under them.
Groping around until he located his target, with much hesitation, he undertook his task.
No sooner than he started, Marsha broke wind explosively.
Under the covers, a muffled voice was heard to say....
"Thank God for that breath of fresh air."

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for "small," $6500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the Dr. urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected.
 "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the Doc.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

Two policemen, one a rookie, the other an older red neck cop, were making their rounds through a lover's lane type of spot, when they spied a very young couple fooling around in a tent.
 "Cletus, what should we do?" The rookie cop always deferred to his more experienced partner.
 Cletus spat some tobacco juice on the ground. "Bo, we tell the little punk to scram, and then we have some fun with little Miss Purty, or we throw 'em both in jail. That's what we do!"
 Cletus told  Bo to go first, and Bo did.
 The boy ran off into the woods and Cletus watched the tent shake, rattle and roll for the next ten minutes.
 The  girl didn't seem to be too upset that her little boyfriend was gone either!
 Bo came back to the car zipping up his uniform, and Cletus  went drooling to the tent.
 Cletus entered and said, "Now, little  girl, you're gonna find out what it's like with a real man."
From under the blanket, Cletus heard an incredulous familiar voice say, "Daddy?"

 

 

[secondjag]

Jasmine went to Melva's place to tell her about a horrible experience she had the previous night with this guy she took home.
"Well, what happened when you got there?" asked Melva.
"After we had some real freaky sex, the son-of-a-bitch called me a slut!"
Somewhat shocked, Melva asked, "What did you do then?"
"I told him to get the hell out of my bedroom, and to take his five biker friends with him!"

There was a young lady of Spain
Whose face was excessively plain
But her cunt had a pucker
That made the men fuck'er
Again and again and again.

A man was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible."
He replied that he felt great.
The man went to work where his boss took one look at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible."
The man replied that there was nothing wrong with him and that he felt great.
The man went to lunch with a client and the client looked at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible."
The man again replied that he felt great. The client suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked so bad.
The man went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into the examining room and saw him the doctor said, "My god, you look terrible."
The man explained that everyone was telling him that he looked terrible but that he felt great.
The doctor said, "Are you sure you feel great?" The man reiterated that he definitely felt great!
The doctor got out his medical book and looked up "looks terrible". After he found that he looked up the subsection "feels great".
The doctor said, "I found it right here under 'looks terrible, feels great'.
The man, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor, "Tell me, what is it?"
The doctor replied, "According to my book... you're a vagina!"

 

 

[secondjag]

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear-splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

A decent young fellow named Herm
Was equipped with a geyser-like worm.
The size wasn't much
But its volume was such
That his lovers did the backstroke in sperm.

A dentist, young doctor Malone,
Got a charming girl patient alone,
And, in his depravity,
Filled the wrong cavity.
God, how his practice has grown. 

Two very nervous men got to talking in the doctor's waiting room.
They discovered they had similar symptoms: one had a red ring around the base of his penis and the other one had a green ring.
The fellow with the red ring was examined first.
In a few minutes he came out, all smiles, and said, "Don't worry, man, it's nothing."
Vastly relieved, the second man went into the examining room, only to be told a few minutes later by the doctor, "I'm sorry, but you have an advanced case of VD. I'm afraid you'll have to be castrated."
Turning white, the young man gasped, "But the first guy... He said it was no big deal!"
"Well, you know," said the doctor, "there's a big difference between gangrene and lipstick."

 

 

[secondjag]

Two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was always after the girl to quit smoking.
One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."
She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."
He replied, "But they stunt your growth."
She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he had never. Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse then?"

Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were approaching two tampons. Before the pads and tampons reached each  other, one pad said to the other, "Should we say hi to those 2 tampons? "The other pad responded, "Err... nah... they're stuck up cunts."

Three friends took their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas and they all had a great time.
A few days after they returned home, the men were sitting around talking about their trip.
"I don't think I'm ever going to do that again!" says the first guy. "Since we've been back, my wife flings her arms and hollers '7 come 11' all night long. I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
"I hear ya, buddy," the second guy replies. "My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there. Since we've been back, she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light, hit me hard'. I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"
"You guys think you have it bad!" exclaims the third guy. "My wife played the slots the entire time we were there. Every morning I wake up with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!"

 

 

 

 

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having it - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having it.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.
You hang in there, sunshine!

A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. "Young lady," the doctor began, "you're pregnant." "But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in, our colony we practice sex only with our eyes." "Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed."

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job." The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!" To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

A young blonde secretary was describing her evening's exploits to a friend.
"After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused.  I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that."
"That was smart. Then what happened?"
"He kept insisting, and I kept refusing."
"You didn't weaken your resolve, did you?"
"Not one bit.  In the end, we went to his apartment.  I figured, let his mother worry."

This guy is really into blow up dolls and calls his mail order supplier and says he wants something absolutely realistic.
The supplier says, "I have just the thing, 'Life-like Tina'. She's expensive but so realistic you can't tell the difference!"
The guy orders one.
Meanwhile the supplier is looking at the box and cannot believe how realistic 'Life-like Tina' looks, so he decides to blow it up.
Once inflated he gets really turned on and thinks, "What the hell!" and has sex with the doll.
Washing it afterwards, he neatly packages it and sends it out to the guy.
A month later the guy calls up, "You know that 'Life-like Tina' blow up doll you sent me? I cannot tell you how happy I am."
Supplier, "That's great!"
Guy, "Yeah, it's a totally believable experience."
Supplier, "Realistic then?"
Guy, "So realistic, I got syphilis.”

 

 

 

[secondjag]

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having it - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having it.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.
You hang in there, sunshine!

A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. "Young lady," the doctor began, "you're pregnant." "But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in, our colony we practice sex only with our eyes." "Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed."

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job." The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!" To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

A young blonde secretary was describing her evening's exploits to a friend.
"After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused.  I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that."
"That was smart. Then what happened?"
"He kept insisting, and I kept refusing."
"You didn't weaken your resolve, did you?"
"Not one bit.  In the end, we went to his apartment.  I figured, let his mother worry."

This guy is really into blow up dolls and calls his mail order supplier and says he wants something absolutely realistic.
The supplier says, "I have just the thing, 'Life-like Tina'. She's expensive but so realistic you can't tell the difference!"
The guy orders one.
Meanwhile the supplier is looking at the box and cannot believe how realistic 'Life-like Tina' looks, so he decides to blow it up.
Once inflated he gets really turned on and thinks, "What the hell!" and has sex with the doll.
Washing it afterwards, he neatly packages it and sends it out to the guy.
A month later the guy calls up, "You know that 'Life-like Tina' blow up doll you sent me? I cannot tell you how happy I am."
Supplier, "That's great!"
Guy, "Yeah, it's a totally believable experience."
Supplier, "Realistic then?"
Guy, "So realistic, I got syphilis.”

 

 

 

[secondjag]

There was a young man from Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born.
And he wouldn't have been,
If his father has seen
That the tip of his condom was torn.

A woman out shopping sees a counter marked "Sex Frogs," and goes to check it out.
She asks the man behind the counter, "What's this?"
He replies, "Oh these are going very well. You buy a frog and take it home in a box, and when you are ready for bed, you put the frog on your pillow, and we guarantee that you will have the best night ever."
The woman whispers to him, "Okay then, I'll take one."
He puts a frog into a box, and points out the label with the instructions. "If you have any problems, there is a help line phone number on the box."
That night, she gets ready for bed, puts the frog on her pillow, and gets into bed.
Nothing happens.
She feels so disappointed that she gets up and checks the box. It says: In case of any complaint, please phone this number."

She phones the number and 10 minutes later, a man appears at her door.
"Show me where the frog is," he says.
She takes him upstairs and points to the frog, still sitting on her pillow.
The man picks up the frog and says, "Okay, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time."

 

 

[secondjag]

A cop was walking his beat through a back alley when he caught a young boy having a wank in the long grass.
"What do you think you're doing?" the cop said.
"What does it look like? I'm having a wank," the kid replied.
"You'd best be careful, boy." the cop warned. "When we catch a young fella doing that, we cut his dick off, stretch and dry it, put a leather thong through one end to make a police baton out of it."
"And I bet I know what you do when you catch a girl doing it." said the young boy.
"And what's that?" asked the cop.
"I bet you cut out her cunt, dry and stretch it, then put it in a blue uniform!"

There was a young engineer named Miss Holt,
Who had an assistant as spry as a Colt.
When she asked for a screw,
What did the young man do,
But offer her two nuts and a bolt.

There was a young fellow from Wark,
Who, when he screws, has to bark.
His wife is a bitch,
With a terrible itch,
So the town never sleeps after dark.

Because his son wasn't the brightest kid in the world, old Hillbilly Joe took him to the outhouse one day to teach him how to urinate properly. "Now you lissen good, Dan'l, 'cuz here's whatcha gotta do.
One: Take out your penie-pipe.
Two: Pull back the foreskin.
Three: Pee.
Four: Push back your foreskin.
Five: Put your equipment back."
The boy said he understood, but the next day while he was working at his still, Joe's wife came running over. "Oh, Joe, Joe, come quick! Dan'l went ta piss an' won't come out of the outhouse!"
"Hell, whut's he doin' in there?" Joe said.
I dunno. He jess keeps sayin', "Two-four, two-four, two-four....."

 

 

[secondjag]

Two old friends happened to meet at the grocery store. "And how's your husband?" asked one.
"Oh, pretty good, now. Last week he had his appendix operated on," answered the other.
"Uh, what's an appendix?"

"It's just a tiny little thing below the belt line. It doesn't do anything, and is not good for anything, but once it was operated on, things got a lot, lot better."
"Hmm, I've really got to talk to my husband about that."

A handsome young woman named Hannah,
Did wild, wet things with a banana.
Her legs spread wide
The banana inside
And her audience shouting, "Hosanna!"

I ran in to Bill the other day and he clearly looked very distraught. I asked him what was wrong.
Bill said, "As you know, I am looking for employment.
I found an ad in the paper for a part in local dinner theater, Shakespeare's “Romeo and Juliet.”
I went and tried out for the part of Romeo. However, I failed my audition through a misunderstanding over a simple stage direction.
My copy of the script clearly said, "Enter Juliet from the rear."

 

 

[secondjag]

Wendy meets Tammy for lunch. "You're looking very tired today, Tammy. Did you have a late night?"
"Yes," replies Tammy, "but it was all very strange. While doing some gardening yesterday, I found a lamp, so I rubbed it and out popped a genie. He gave me a choice of two wishes."
"Wow," says Wendy, "so what were the choices he gave you, Tammy?"
"He said he could either give me an excellent, sharp, 100% memory, or else he could give my boyfriend a bigger penis."
"So tell me already, Tammy, what did you choose?"
"I can't remember," replies Tammy.

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check.

As he did so, a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from just in time to notice a young woman looking down. 
"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On his arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink.

Because she was very attractive, he agreed.

Shortly afterward she said, "I'm about to have dinner -- there's plenty. Would you

like to join me?"

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like

to stay the night?

“The man hesitated then said, "Sure.  I would love it. "

And he did, and they spent most of the night in passionate sex of all descriptions.

"Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied. "Only those who catch my eye."

 

 

 

[secondjag]

The night before their marriage, Jerry called on his innocent bride-to-be at her apartment.
"There's nothing to be nervous about," he assured her, "making love is very simple. Tonight, I'll demonstrate first how Cousin Alvin makes love, then how Cousin Benson makes love, and finally how my Uncle John makes love."
The next morning a telegram arrived: "Thanks for lessons. Have eloped with your Uncle John."

What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
Nobody eats parsley. 

Mrs. Grednick, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight-watchers meeting.
"My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a woman with a trim figure," she lamented to the woman next to her. "Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that? You'll feel better, too." "You don't understand. He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."

Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's.

The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.
So one day they are all out in the backyard putting clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"
"Well," says Sophie, " when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."
"What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.
"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry!"

 

 

[secondjag]

A methodical fellow named Wade,
Could recall every girl that he'd laid.
He recorded each poke,
Every thrust, every stroke,
And precisely how much he had paid.

A Rabbi from Peru
Was vainly attempting to screw
His wife said "Oy vey"
If you keep up this way
The Messiah will come before you.

Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 minutes.
The average number of strokes is 22 per minute, making the average intercourse 88 strokes long. Since the average length of a penis is about 6 inches, the average girl receives 528 inches of penis or 44 feet of penis per intercourse.
If the average girl does it 3 times a week, (that makes 156 times annually) 156 x 44 feet of penis makes 6864 feet, or just over a mile and a third of penis per year.
If a girl starts having sex at 16, and since the average life span of a woman is 75, you could say that she could be getting 8684 feet of penis x 59 years of sex makes 404,976 feet, or 134,992 yards, or a little under 77 miles of penis in a lifetime.
Any woman who’s getting more than that, well, yur just a "LUCKY LADY."

Everyone in the hotel was talking about the wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was only 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble, and some of the guests thought that the wedding night could kill the old man, because his bride was a healthy and vivacious young woman.
But the next morning, everyone was surprised to see the bride come down the main stairway slowly, step by step, and painfully bold-legged. She finally managed to hobble to the front desk.
The clerk looked very concerned, and he asked the bride, "What happened to you? You look like you just got done wrestling an alligator."
"Oh my God," said the bride. "He told me that he had been saving up for 75 years...
...I thought he meant his money!!"

 

 

[secondjag]

An analyst was listening to a voluptuous beauty with a serious problem.
"It's liquor, doctor," she sobbed.
"I'm really a very nice girl, but just as soon as I've had a drink or two, I become uncontrollably passionate, and I want to make love to whomever I happen to be with."
"I see," the analyst said thoughtfully. "Well, suppose I just mix us up a couple of cocktails here and then you and I can sit down, nice and relaxed, and discuss this compulsive neurosis of yours."

Years ago during the Battle of Britain (a small island off mainland Europe for you chaps reading in the states!) a famous French (From the noun France meaning a bigger country on mainland Europe situated close to Britain!) fighter pilot had evaded capture by the Germans and was now the RAF's (Royal Air Force chaps) top flying ace. having come back from one harrowing sortie, Herve (pronounced Ur - vay) the sole surviving member of the squadron crash landed his damaged & smoking spitfire on the grass runway..
"Fuel up another one" shouts Herve "I fight the dreaded Germans on my own"
He duly got into a new plane flew across the channel (a sea between Britain & France) and when over northern France encountered a large squadron of German planes. Throwing caution to the wind Herve lined them up in his sights and dived into attack.
He was promptly, unsurprisingly, shot down and crashed in a farmers field.
Climbing from the smoking wreckage Herve is confronted by an angry farmer brandishing a shotgun and threatening to "blow his German head off". (the French fought the Germans in WW2 and were on "our side").
"non non" says Herve "I am Herve the famous French fighter pilot and have been shot down you idiot farmer"
The fame of Herve had even spread to this little farm in northern France and now reassured the farmer was delighted. Taking Herve's flight bag in one hand and supporting the tired Herve with the other the farmer led our intrepid hero back to his simple farm house for some warming food and a glass of wine (this is an alcoholic drink favoured in France. It has absolutely no relation to similarly labeled drinks sold in the US - it is actually rather pleasant).
On entering the house the farmer introduces Herve to his wife and his beautiful blonde 18-year-old Nicole. After a fabulous meal and a few more glasses of real wine, the farmer announces that it is time for bed. But there was one problem, there were only 2 bedrooms, one for the farmer & his wife the other for Nicole (the lovely young - concentrate).
Herve swore on his honour that he would not lay a finger on Nicole and could be trusted to share her bed for the night before escaping the next day across the channel to Blighty (AKA Britain see comment line one).
Needless to say that no sooner had Herve closed the bedroom door he jumped the lovely young Nicole.
"Oh Herve, kiss me! kiss me!" cries Nicole
Herve reaches into his flight bag and brings out a bottle of Merlot (see previous comment on wine) and splashes it on Nicole's lips.
"What are you doing, Herve?" says the startled Nicole.
"I am Herve, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Nicole says,
"Herve, kiss me lower."

Herve tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay from his flight bag and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Herve! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Nicole.
"I am Herve the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Nicole leans close to his ear and whispers, "Herve, kiss me lower!"
Herve, grabs a bottle of Brandy (a highly combustible alcoholic drink made from grapes and much stronger than Budweiser) and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Nicole shrieks as she bats out her flaming bush then shouts angrily at Herve,
"Herve, what the hell do you think you're doing?"
To which Herve replies,
"I am Herve the famous French fighter pilot and when I go down, I go down in flames!"

 

 

 

[secondjag]

At the retreat, Jane and Joe were told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'
Jane wrote: 'When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, just like Joe and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of physical sex with one another.'
And Joe wrote:  'I love sex.'

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the brothels nearby.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied. "I'm sorry, it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union House."
he man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00."
"That's more like it!" the union man said. So, he handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85-year old woman in the corner, "but according to union rules, Ethel here has seniority."

 

 

 

 

[secondjag]

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.

Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested.

But she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and, as it was still early enough, decided to go to the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current ‘partner’ high and dry, and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished. [Naturally, since he was her husband.]
 Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. 

So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie, where she experienced wave after wave of orgasmic pleasure, as he filled her with his ‘gift’.
 Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
 "Did you dance much?"

"You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!”

 

 

 

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

A man called his doctor, and said "doc", you gotta come over here quick, you see when my wife got out of the shower, and bent over to pick up her towel a mouse ran straight up her twat.
The doctor said, "Okay just hold a piece of cheese just outside of her vagina until I get over there".
The doctor drove up, got out of his car, and went inside to see the man holding a big fish up to her twat instead of cheese. The doctor asked, "what are you doing, I said a piece of cheese."
The man said, "I did what you said, and it almost worked, but when the mouse started to come out, the cat chased it right back up her snatch!

There was a young girl from Wick
Who said "mother what is a dick?"
She said "my dear Annie"
It goes in your fanny
And jumps up and down till its sick.

Frank and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look. "What's going on?" Ed asked one of the crowd.

"We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine," he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. "Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet, and there's a prize of $100 for anybody who can.

"I can do that," Frank said confidently.

"You can't," said Ted. "You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that thing."

Watch this," said Frank as he climbed aboard the bronco machine. The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Frank clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Frank was still on the machine's back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd.

He dismounted, collected his winnings, and rejoined Ted.

"Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that?" Ted asked.

"Remember three months ago," Frank replied, "When your wife had whooping cough...?"

 

 

[secondjag]

There was a young fellow named Simon,
Who tried to discover a hymen,
But he found every girl,
Had relinquished her pearl
In exchange for a solitaire diamond.

A lubricious young woman named Gwen
Had never learned how to say "when!"
So she did it again
And again and again
And again and again and again.

Bill's friend, Harry, went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, so he asked her to dance.
She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, Harry said, "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"
The flattered girl told him it was Channel #5.
Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"
Honest Harry replied: "Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it."

On Halloween day, a tall, slim, elderly man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat, and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink.
As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a Halloween party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my lousy love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln. Where is the connection?" protested the barkeep.

"The connection is that my last four scores were seven years ago."

An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement, and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and research.
This assistant is a bit of a git, and decides he'll play a prank on the old man, and suggests he research 'sheep shagging'.
The professor thinks this is a great idea and heads off to Wales to begin his research.
He heads out to the countryside and finds a farmer to quiz about his unnatural habits.
The professor greets him and asks if he's got time to answer a couple of quick questions.
"No problem, boyo," says the farmer, "go right ahead.”
"Well," said the professor, "what I'd like to know first is, do you own any sheep here?"
"Of course, boyo, biggest farm for miles round here I have. We've got loads of 'em."
"Great, now the next question is a bit personal -- do you use your sheep for sex?"
"Ohh, too right, boyo. There's three or four out there who are my particular favorites."
"So, how exactly do you .... do it?"
"Well, normally I take them down to the river, I slap their back feet in my wellies, the sheep pushes back from the water, bloody heaven, boyo."
The professor thanks him and heads for the airport. Having heard about the Kiwis, he heads out to New Zealand with exactly the same plan.
He finds a farm, talks to the farmer and gets the same responses. "Round up the sheep, head 'em up towards a cliff and off you go. Back feet in my boots, sheep pushing back from the cliff, bloody marvelous mate."
Again, the professor thanks him and decides that his research needs only one more addition.
So he jets off to the world center of sheep shagging, Australia.
Once in Australia, he drives out to the bush, finds the biggest farm he can and knocks on the farmhouse door.
He repeats his questions to the farmer.
"Too right, mate. Usually, I stick their back legs in me wellies, front legs over me shoulders and away we go!"
"So the sheep faces you? That's strange. I've been talking to people around the world about this, and they all do it with the sheep facing away from them."
The Aussie is shocked.
For a few seconds he can't speak, then he manages to stutter: "What? No kissing?"

 

 

[secondjag]

The attractive wife told her husband she was going on vacation with a girlfriend, but she really went with her long-time wealthy lover, who gave her a beautiful £10,000 mink coat. 
But she couldn't bring it home so she figured a way. She pawned the mink coat. She came home and told her husband she had found a pawn ticket, which was really the pawn ticket to her mink coat; and she asked her husband to find out what had been pawned. 
Her husband returned and told his wife it was a cheap watch. The next day his secretary was wearing a £10,000 mink coat. 

There was a young dancer, Priscilla,
Who flavored her cunt with vanilla.
The taste was so fine,
Men and beasts stood in line,
Including a stud armadilla.

A Rabbi from Peru
Was vainly attempting to screw.
His wife said "Oy vey"
If you keep up this way.
The Messiah will come before you.

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She had asked her mother to go out
and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it
would not wrinkle.
Mom forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a
short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.
After the wedding, the bride and groom entered their hotel room. The groom was
a little self-conscious, so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom
and made her promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.
While she was in the bathroom, she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee
her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no, it's short, pink, and wrinkled!"
Her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"

A newlywed couple gets a special present for their nuptials: a brand-new sports car.

As they leave the wedding reception, they are so excited they drive faster than they ever had before.
"I'll make you a deal," said the groom with a smile. "If I do 200mph, you take off your dress. Deal?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous wife.
As he approached 200mph, she begins to peel off her dress. With him unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car soon skidded on some gravel and flipped over. The bride, now stark naked, was fine, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe and cover yourself," he said.
Holding the shoe over her private area, the bride ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My husband's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do... he's in too far."

Three Italian nuns die and go to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St.  Peter.
He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and poof she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and poof she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

A pretty girl is driving through the west. Her car runs out or gas, and an Indian comes along on a horse, and gives her a ride to a gas station. 
Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop that would curdle milk. 
Finally, he drops her off with a final "Yiiieee-yiiieee-yiiiee!" and gallops off. 
"My god!" says the gas station guy. "What were you doing to that Indian to make him holler like that?" 
"Why, nothing," says the girl. "I just sat behind him with my arms around him, holding onto his saddle horn." 
"Lady," says the guy, "Indians don't use saddles." 

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.
She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch.
Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."

 

 

[secondjag]

A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a beautiful young woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled passed by.
The woman looked at the doctor, smiled, and said in a sexy voice, "Hi there, handsome. How're  you doing?" before wiggling her backside and walking off.
"Who was that?" demanded the doctor's wife.
"Err... Just a woman I met professionally," replied the doctor.
"Oh yeah?!" snarled his wife, "In whose profession? Yours or hers?"

A remarkable race are the Persians.
They have such peculiar diversions.
They screw the whole day
In the regular way,
And save up the nights for perversions.

The attractive young Sarah was about to go to bed with her new boyfriend Joe, when she burst into tears. 
"I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me," she said between sobs. "I'm really not that kind of girl!" 
"I believe you," Joe said, as he tried to comfort her. 
"You're the first one," Sarah replied. 
"The first one to make love to you?" Joe asked. 
"No, silly," she replied. "The first one to believe me!" 

Little Johnny was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is it called when people are sleeping on top of each other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called making love, darling."
Little Johnny just said, "OK" and went back outside to play.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called making love! It's called bunk beds! And Bill’s mother wants to talk with you."

 

 

[secondjag]

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring. 
"Get creative, Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?'...That's what I do," said Irving. 
"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?" 
"Heck, just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!" 

Jenny taught erotic correction,
Told her student "To get an erection,
Put your dick in my mouth,
Move it north, move it south,
Now, you're getting a sense of direction!"

Her instructions were very explicit,
And more than a little illicit:
"Please fill up my cunny,
With fresh clover honey,
And butter my buns like a biscuit."

"Then wrap me up nice in a blanket,
And I'll sit on your staff while you crank it.
I'll put on some feathers,
And laces and leathers,
And wiggle my ass while you spank it."

"Now that your fingers are stinky,
Tie me up in some chains that are clinky...
Bring in some goats and a sheik,
Give my big titties a tweak,
And now, we can start getting kinky!"

"Forget what the chain and the whip meant,
Get the straps and the slings and a shipment
Of high-grade Vaseline,
And a strong trampoline,
And all of that other equipment!"

"Now, when we get the bedsprings a strummin',
That's when I'll start in a hummin',
Then quickly, my dear,
Put it into my ear,
So I can hear the sound of it comin'!"

"I don't know how much this is costing,"
Said her student, still covered with frosting,
"But I can say with affinity,
That I've lost my virginity...
Quite frankly, my dear... you're exhausting!"

 

 

[secondjag]

A husband had just arrived home from a six-month tour of duty in the Navy.

The husband closed the front door, and immediately he and his wife were furiously making love upstairs when, suddenly, the wind slammed a door shut somewhere else in the house.
The husband said jokingly, "Oh God! NO! That must be your husband coming home."
And the wife replies without thinking, "No, don't worry. He's off in the Navy for six months."

A guy had a bad case of hemorrhoids, so he decided to go see his doctor.
The doctor says, "It's not too bad, you just need to put these suppositories up your ass. I'll give you the first dose, and you can have your wife give you the second one this evening."
"Okay," the man replies, "anything to relieve this pain."
He drops his pants, bends over and allows the doctor to do his job.
Later that evening he tells his wife what the doctor said and asks her help with the second dose. She tells him to bend over, puts one hand on his shoulder and prepares to insert the suppository.
All of the sudden the guy screams, "Oh My God!!"
"What's wrong?" asks his wife
The man replies, "I just realized -- he had both his hands on my shoulders!"

 

 

[secondjag]

A college student picked his date up at her parents’ home. He'd scraped
together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.

To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu: appetizers, lobster, champagne, ... the works!

Finally, he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"

"No," she said, "but my Mother's not expecting me to give her a blow job later tonight, either."

Two girls were discussing their heavy smoking habits. "I get such a  yen for a cigarette," said one, "that the only effective  countermeasure is to pop a Life Saver into my mouth and suck strongly." "That's all very well for you," huffed her friend. "But I  don't happen to live in a house that's right on the beach!"

There once was a man named O'Doul,
Who discovered red spots on his tool,
He went to the doc,
Who examined his cock,
And said "Wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"

There was a young man from Bombay
Who fashioned a cunt out of clay
But the heat from his prick
Turned the clay to a brick
And chaffed his foreskin away.

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal, is now my water spout.
Time was when, of its own accord, from my trousers it would spring.
but now I have a full-time job, just to find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing, the way it would behave.
For every single morning, it would stand and watch me shave.
But now as old age approaches, it sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its withered head, and watch me tie my shoes!

 

 

[secondjag]

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, he walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. 
She jumped up and slapped him silly. 
He immediately apologized and explained, I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.” 
“Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!” she screamed.
“That’s funny,” he muttered, “You even sound exactly like her.” 

A wife reaches her husband a silk handkerchief and asks him: "Doesn't this
belong to your secretary?" "Where did you find that?", he stutters. "I didn't", she answers. "The mail man found it on your night-stand."

A father was explaining the facts of life to his teenage son. After covering the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of love-making:
Dad: One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say different things during the sex act, even if you are doing the same thing.
Son: What do you mean, Dad?
F: Well, for example, their words will vary according to their occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to say, "Are you done yet?" On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, "Are you done already?"
S: What do other women say?
F: Well, a school teacher will say, "We are going to do this over and over again until you get it right!" A nurse will say, "This won't hurt one bit."
S: I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend over."
F: That's male nurses. But let's move on, a bank teller will say, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal." A stewardess will say, "Place this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally."
S: And what does mother say?
F: She says, "Beige... beige... I think we should paint the ceiling beige."

My wife and I were watching Who Wants to Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So, I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...