Umm

[secondjag]

A 54-year-old accountant, Alex, leaves a letter for his wife, Judy, one Friday evening that read:
"Dear Judy:  I am 54, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18-year old secretary, Melissa."

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him at the front desk that read as follows:
 "Dear Alex:  I, too, am 54, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. You, being an accountant, will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

A Stoner was cruising along in a brand-new Cadillac convertible. His friends stopped him and asked how in the world had got hold of such a good car.
He explained, "I was sitting on the curb minding my own business, when a beautiful girl pulls up in this car that you see and asks, 'Want a ride?' So I got in.
We rode far out into the country, and she stopped the car. We both got out.
'Kiss me,' she said. So, I kissed her. Then she disrobed, and stood there in all her feminine beauty, dressed only in her panties.
Holding her arms out towards me she said, 'You can have anything I've got.'
Well I could clearly see that her panties would never fit me, so I took the car."

 

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

At the couples’ retreat, Jane and Joe were told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.' Jane wrote: 'When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, just like Joe and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of physical sex with one another.' And Joe wrote:  'I love sex.'

Years ago, during the battle of Britain (a small island off mainland Europe for you chaps reading in the states!) a famous French (From the noun France meaning a bigger country on mainland Europe situated close to Britain!) a fighter pilot had evaded capture by the Germans and was now the RAF's (Royal Air Force chaps) top flying ace. Having come back from one harrowing sortie, Herve (pronounced Ur - vay) the sole surviving member of the squadron crash-landed his damaged and smoking Spitfire on the grass runway..
"Fuel up another one" shouts Herve "I fight the dreaded Germans on my own"
He duly got into a new plane flew across the channel (a sea between Britain and France) and when over northern France encountered a large squadron of German planes. Throwing caution to the wind Herve lined them up in his sights and dived into attack.
He was promptly, unsurprisingly, shot down and crashed in a farmer’s field.
Climbing from the smoking wreckage Herve is confronted by an angry farmer brandishing a shotgun and threatening to "blow his German head off" (the French fought the Germans in WW2 and were on "our side").
"Non non" says Herve "I am Herve the famous French fighter pilot and have been shot down you idiot farmer."
The fame of Herve had even spread to this little farm in northern France, and now reassured the farmer was delighted. Taking Herve's flight bag in one hand and supporting the tired Herve with the other the farmer led our intrepid hero back to his simple farm house for some warming food and a glass of wine (this is an alcoholic drink favoured in France. It has absolutely no relation to similarly labeled drinks sold in the US - it is actually rather pleasant).
On entering the house the farmer introduces Herve to his wife and his beautiful blonde 18-year-old Nicole. After a fabulous meal and a few more glasses of real wine, the farmer announces that it is time for bed. But there was one problem, there were only 2 bedrooms, one for the farmer & his wife the other for Nicole (the lovely young - concentrate).
Herve swore on his honour that he would not lay a finger on Nicole and could be trusted to share her bed for the night before escaping the next day across the channel to Blighty (AKA Britain see comment line one).
Needless to say that no sooner had Herve closed the bedroom door he jumped the lovely young Nicole.
"Oh Herve, kiss me! kiss me!" cries Nicole
Herve reaches into his flight bag and brings out a bottle of Merlot (see previous comment on wine) and splashes it on Nicole's lips.
"What are you doing, Herve?" says the startled Nicole.
"I am Herve, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Nicole says,
"Herve, kiss me lower."
Herve tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay from his flight bag and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Herve! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Nicole.
"I am Herve the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Nicole leans close to his ear and whispers, "Herve, kiss me lower!"
Herve, grabs a bottle of Brandy (a highly combustible alcoholic drink made from grapes and much stronger than Budweiser) and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Nicole shrieks as she bats out her flaming bush then shouts angrily at Herve,
"Herve, what the hell do you think you're doing?"
To which Herve replies, "I am Herve the famous French fighter pilot and, when I go down, I go down in flames!"

 

A man called his doctor, and said "doc", you gotta come over here quick, you see when my wife got out of the shower, and bent over to pick up her towel a mouse ran straight up her twat.
The doctor said," okay just hold a piece of cheese just outside of her vagina until I get over there."
The doctor drove up, got out of his car, and went inside to see the man holding a big fish up to her twat instead of cheese.
The doctor said, "What are you doing, I said a piece of cheese."
The man said, "I did what you said, and it almost worked, but when the mouse started to come out, the cat chased it right back up her snatch!

 

[secondjag]

Kelly from Arkansas is going on her first overseas trip. She drives all the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport. In the passport office, the government official sees that she is visibly puzzled filling her passport application.
The passport official looks over her shoulder and sees that Keli is trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.
The official explains, "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question.  We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'."
After some deliberation, Kelly said, "I think I prefer males."

A woman goes into a dentist's office. After he is through examining her, he says, "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth." The woman replies, "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful! I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."

Q: How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

 

[secondjag]

going to be gone for a little while; enjoy

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society.
After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.
"William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?"
"Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time."
"Wow, fifty dollars!" exclaimed the bride, "the monks only used to give us an apple..."

A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams.
Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news.
"The good news," he explained, "is that your fiancée has an particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before."
The guy paled.
"If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?"
"Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet."

 

Bill's friend, Harry, went into a nightclub, and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, so he asked her to dance.
She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one.

While they were cheek to cheek, Harry said, "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"
The flattered girl told him it was Channel #5.
Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"
Honest Harry replied: "Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it."

 

[secondjag]

On the first night of their honeymoon, the very naive virgin bride slipped into a sexy, but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."

"Why, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard," she exclaimed.

 Close to tears, she added, "To whom, and for how long?"

Young Tim has just finished high school and, not being too bright, he wants to get a job at a local mechanic's workshop in Christchurch.
Tim spies this advert for a job in a Motor Spares Shop and hurries over.  Unfortunately, when he steps in there are already 2 guys there before him.
Tim with tears in his eyes explains to the manager that he really needs the job.

Manager looks at him and says, "You know what Tim, I'd really like to give you this job. But see, these two guys are here before you. You're going to have be really something special to get this job you know!"
Tim thinks now, mmmm, and then he says, "well boss, there is one thing - if you take a spark plug and stick it into my arse - I can tell you what type of spark plug it is."
The manager goes "Wow .. that's something - lets test you out!"
So Tim turns around and drops his pants. The boss takes a Bosch spark plug and shoves it into Tim's arse.
Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeee ..... Bosch!!"
The boss, goes .. "Wow, that's really something - but lets test you out again!"
He takes a NGK spark plug and shoves it into Tim's arse.
Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeee ..... NGK !!".
The boss, goes .. "Wow, you're really good .. but, one more time - I need to be sure. "
Boss thinks now, lets catch this guy out! He unzips his pants, takes out his penis and sticks it into Tim's arse.
Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeeee .... Champion!!!"

 

[secondjag]

Three women were returning to their village when they spotted a man, obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of them. As they watched him stumbling, he fell face down into a mud puddle.
When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him.
However, his face was so covered with mud that she bent over and unzipped his pants. Inspecting his ‘junk”, she remarked, "Well, he's not my husband."
The second woman peering over her shoulder agreed, "Your right, he's not your husband."
The third woman, somewhat older than the other two, bent over to look and said, "He's not even from our village."

 

An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is that I have another arm to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it, doc," says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf-course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon. 

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes, and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."
"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon. "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking: and, every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.

A young stud undergoing his first testosterone attack picks up a young lady, and after a while drives to a secluded place a mile from the nearest phone.
After some preliminaries he says "Put out or walk."
The gal says "well, put that way, I'll walk." She gets out of the car and walks back to town.
The next evening the same young stud picks up the same pretty young gal, and ends up with the same proposition only this time three miles from town.
Same results. She says "I'll walk." And she does.
The following evening same scenario except the young man drives five miles from town and it is raining.
She doesn't even hesitate. She removes her clothing, his clothing, and proceeds to give him the wildest night of sex he could wish for.
Later he asks her why she refused him the last two nights when obviously she was not new to the sex game.
She answered. "I kind of like you. I was willing to walk one mile. I was willing to walk three miles. But I'll be damned if I'll walk five miles in the rain to keep you from catching gonorrhea."

 

Once at the time of the world war, the soldiers were looting all villages, of food, wine, and women.
Before they could enter one such village, the villagers decide to scoot, except for one young man, who had an 80-year-old grandmother. So, the soldiers found the one occupied house and tore inside.
"Bring us some food!" they demanded.
The young man said, "But I have only half a loaf of bread."
"War is War, bring us the food!" So he gives his last morsel of food.
"Bring us some wine!"
"But I doubt if there is any in the house, you know how things are these days!"
"War is War, bring us the wine!" So the young man manages half a bottle and gives it to them.
"Now, bring us a woman!" He said, "But everyone has left the village. The only female here is my 80-year-old grandmother!"
"War is War, bring her to us!"

The old woman is brought and she's so frail and weak that the soldiers decide against it and say, "We’ll let you off this time.'"
Granny says, "The hell you will. War is War!"

 

[secondjag]

The last time I checked into a New York hotel, I opened the door to my room, and found a pair of beautiful twenty-one-year-old naked twins stretched out on the bed.
"Surprise," the twins say in unison," we're a gift from your friend, Dave."
"Young ladies," I said, "I am one of the most respected men in my field. I have been married for twenty years. I have a wonderful family that I love very much. I have never been touched by a word of scandal; my good name is above reproach."

After taking a breath, he continued, "I am sorry, but one of you will have to leave!"

A blonde goes into a laundromat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The Laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "Come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "Oh, no it's just mustard this time."

A beautiful young lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a check-up.
The doctor claimed that he had to use a thermometer for the check-up.
So the doctor asked her, "Where shall I put the thermometer?"
The girl replied, "...uh ...not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it."
"Okay...let's try your armpit." the doctor suggested.
"Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?" the girl queried.
"Okay then," so he put the thing in the girl’s butt.
Later, the girl [while giggling] exclaimed, "that's not my butt, Doc!"
The doctor replied, "That's okay dear... it's not the thermometer, either."

 

[Peter C]

Reminds me of the evening my wife Debbie jumped sleepily out of bed stark naked to see what the commotion was outside. She stood there for a few seconds whilst she grabbed her dressing gown to put on, totally forgetting that my 14 year-old son from my previous marriage was sitting on our bedroom floor watching TV.

He had the unexpected pleasure of seeing his 32 year old step-mum's bare breasts and hairy ginger pussy just feet away from him and I bet he masturbated with her naked body in mind for weeks later. 

[secondjag]

A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper.
He looked up and said, "Here is a great sale on tires!"
His wife replied, "What do you want tires for? You don't have a car."
He came back with, "I don't complain when you go out and buy a new bra!"

 

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."
After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
William was heart-broken.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again.

A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."
William was furious!

He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married, " he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."
His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your biological father."

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first-year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting or playing golf with his buddies."

One of two gays who were living together fell in love with the handsome young doctor across the street.
"I'd just love to meet him," said one gay to his roommate, "if you have no objections. But I don't know how to go about it."
"I don't mind, sweets. Have your fling. Just pose as one of his patients."
So the first one went to the doctor's office the next day and said his name was Smith.
"What's your problem, Mr. Smith?" the doctor asked.
"Oh, Doctor, I have such a terrible pain in my rectum."
"Let's have a look," said the doctor. "Take off your trousers."
The doctor parted his cheeks and looked up inside with a flashlight.
"Holy smoke!" the doctor exclaimed. "No wonder you have pains. Do you realize that you have one dozen roses up in there?"
"Never mind the roses," the patient said. "Just read the card!"

 

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds.
The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds, and his balls weighed five pounds.

All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.
Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what's wrong?
The head nurse replied, "We don't know what to do with this baby boy."
So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "Well it's obvious that you should put him into a mental institution."
"Why," asked the head nurse.
"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."

 

[secondjag]

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet, and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there sits his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You bastard!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"

A wife is having sex with her husband's best friend one day.
Soon the phone rings, so she answers it. "Yes. . .  Uh huh. . . OK. . . Yes. . . Bye"
Her husband's best friend says, "Who was it?"
"That was my husband," she replied.
The man jumped out of bed, and tried to put on his clothes in a hurry.
"Relax," said the wife. "He just called to tell me he was out playing golf with you."

There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were approaching their high school graduation. It was getting near prom night and neither of them had a date for it.
So one day, the girl approaches her brother and says, "Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?"
He says, "No, why? You got someone lined up for me?"
"You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?"
"Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!"
"Well, are you taking somebody else out?"
"You know I don't have a date, sis."
"And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?" Her brother nods.
She continues, "So we should go with each other."
The brother can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening he will take her to the prom.
Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so the brother tells his sister that he'll take her to the prom on Friday.
At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad that his sister talked him into taking her.
Then, while he's standing at the punch bowl, his sister comes up to him again.
"Hey, brother, let's dance. "
He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her. "Look, sis, this is the Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?"
"Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why can't you dance with your sister?"
"Oh . . . all right. "
So they dance, a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by and after a while it's over and time to go. Both of them have had a good time.
In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at him and says, "Let's not go straight home."
He gives her a curious look and says, "What are we going to do instead?"
"Oh, I don't know. Just drive around."
He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the country, she looks over at him again and says, "Want to find some place to park?"
"Hell," he says, "are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going parking with you!"
"Who said anything about 'going parking'? Let's just pull over somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for both of us, how long has it been since we've had a chance to talk to each other?"
So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks over at him again.
"Hey . . . " she says.
"What?"
"Why don't you kiss me?"
"You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? I'm not going to kiss you, you're my sister! "And he reached for the ignition switch to start the car.
She reached out and took his hand. "I know I'm your sister. You've mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And don't we love each other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?" She kissed him on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his ear, "Come on. Let's do it."
"Do what?" said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his sister had in mind.
"You know what," his sister replied.
"I can't do that with you, you're my. . . " His voice trailed off.
While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, "You know, you're a lot lighter than Dad."
"I know," said her brother. "Mom told me."

 

[secondjag]

Ok, a lot of political ones in here.  Don't get mad; get even.  Feel free to post other side of the coin as well.

 

[secondjag]

well, well, well, 20 pages of fun

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students:
"If you were courting a well-educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?" Mike replies "Wait a minute, I'm going for a p."
The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Billy says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "

The teacher passed out….

"What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball."

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Blondes don't screw in light bulbs. They screw in Jacuzzis

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.  The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet and rolls over and says: "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.
She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."

 

 

[secondjag]

An attractive young med student was having coffee with her girlfriend, and was complaining about her fiancée's extraordinary sexual appetite.
"I barely have the strength to come to work in the morning," she murmured. "And now that he's on his vacation, things will probably be even more intense when he gets back."
"How long is he off?" the assistant inquired.
"It varies," she replied. "But usually, it's just long enough to smoke a cigarette."

 

An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a beaver appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the beaver and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."
The doctor continued, "The beaver dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that beaver."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

 

[secondjag]

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physical exams. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit. "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and then bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers!"
A sudden silence descends. After a moment, he asks, "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.
He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on this side of the bar are motherfuckers!"
Once again, the bar is silent. He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?"
A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man. The construction worker looks the man square in the eye and says, "You got a problem, buddy?"
"Oh no," insists the man. "I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

 

 

[secondjag]

During Sir Thomas Beecham's half-century career as conductor of some of the great orchestras of the world, he developed a reputation as a man with a caustic wit and an acerbic tongue.
At a rehearsal of the London Philharmonic one day, Beecham became increasingly frustrated by the subpar performance of the orchestra's female cellist.
Finally, in exasperation, he said: "Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands. And all you can do is scratch it!"

 

I had recently retired, but was not ready to just hang around the house. So, I heard the local WalMart was seeking a few of us retirees to work as Greeters.  I applied for the job, and began the following Monday.

On my first day, a very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through  the entrance.
I said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children  you have there. Are they twins?"
 The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 12 and the other one's 7.  Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," I replied.  "I just couldn't believe someone would fuck you twice…."

Looks like this job is not for me.

 

[secondjag]

A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar.
After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.

They spent hours having sex in many different ways, exhausting themselves.
"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was getting dresses.
"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.
"Thirteen? Are you crazy?" he thundered.
Pausing briefly at the door, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh?"

 

[secondjag]

Sally was the easiest date in town. She would sleep with any guy who smiled at her, bought her a drink or a burger, or simply asked.
When her reputation was in tatters and her family shunned her, she tried to change her ways, but like Ado Annie in 'Oklahoma' she was simply a girl who couldn't say no.
She finally decided to seek help and went into therapy. After many sessions her therapist greeted her with a long face and said, "I'm afraid I can’t help you because you are afflicted with raging whoremones."

A father was explaining the facts of life to his teenage son. After covering the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of love-making:
Dad: One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say different things during the sex act, even if you are doing the same thing.
Son: What do you mean, Dad?
F: Well, for example, their words will vary according to their occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to say, "Are you done yet?" On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, "Are you done already?"
S: What do other women say?
F: Well, a school teacher will say, "We are going to do this over and over again until you get it right!" A nurse will say, "This won't hurt one bit."
S: I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend over."
F: That's male nurses. But let's move on, a bank teller will say, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal." A stewardess will say, "Place this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally."
S: And what does mother say?
F: She says, "Beige... beige... I think we should paint the ceiling beige."

 

[secondjag]

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it and hacks it another 10 feet.
She  looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically, "I  guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One  of the men immediately replies, "Now, you see, that's your problem."
"What’s that?" she asked, seriously.

"You should have taken golf lessons instead."

 

Edited July 2, 2022 by secondjag
add content

[secondjag]

A few years ago, a man who was openly gay was elected as the Mayor of Key West, Florida. 
After the election results were in, a horde of reporters surrounded him, and began asking him questions on how he won. 
A young reporter walked up to him and said, "Mr. Mayor, I understand that you used a basic grass roots campaign to win, met lots of people, shook lots of hands, kissed lots of babies...I even heard that you kissed a parakeet."
The mayor replied, "That's right young man, I brought the campaign to the people, but I must correct you on one point, I did not kiss a parakeet. I kissed a Cock-or-two."

 

A man calls 9-1-1 Emergency:” Come immediately, my little baby has swallowed a condom.” About 5 minutes later the same man calls back and says: “It’s OK. We found another one.”

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for sex for quite a while now.

Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire.
Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a $50 bill, and gives it to him. She says, "Honey you're so depressed. Here, take this and go to the woman next door, and she will let you sleep with her tonight. But remember that this happens only once. OK? Don't think about it or ask me to do this again."
The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.
A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment, "She said this is not enough, she wants sixty dollars."
The wife's face slowly turns red with anger. "Damn that bitch! When she was pregnant, I only charged her husband fifty!"

 

 

 

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 21 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $500."
"Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it by hiking."
"Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were working late, Mr. Reynolds from the corner shop would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

A German, an American, and an Englishman were exploring the jungle when they came across an breathtakingly beautiful waterfall.
After admiring it for a while, the American says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of the great American Constitution, you know, where every atom of water is like an individual who has the freedom to make it's own way through the world in unison with nature."
The German says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of the great German economy, strong and powerful and smooth running."
The Englishman, when asked about his thoughts says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of oral sex."
The American and the German look at him in amazement.
"What is it about this waterfall makes you think of oral sex?"
"Uh, everything I look at makes me think of oral sex."

A girl says to her date, "You're in for a real treat. I've been told that I have a body like New Jersey."
So, her date grabs her waist and asks, "What's this?"
She replies "Middlesex."
 He grabs her butt and asks "what's this?"
 She replies, "Freehold."
Then he grabs her breast and asks "what's this?"
She replies, "Point Pleasant."
 Finally, he reaches between her thighs and says, "I guess this is Cherry Hill?"
 "No", she replies, "That's Eatontown."
 The guy gets so excited that he pulls down his pants and says, "Welcome to Wildwood!"

 

[secondjag]

Nadine: "Were your parents upset when you got a divorce?"
Jill: "Well, you know how parents are. My mother said, 'So! Is this how it's going to be? Just one man after another... for the rest of your life?'"
Nadine: "Typical! What did you tell her?"
Jill: I said, "Gee, I hope so!"

A girl goes to confession.
 "Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
 "Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.
"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"
 "Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he also touched my breasts."
 "You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.
"Yes father."
 "That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
 "But father, he took off my clothes."
 "Like this??" He takes off her clothes.
 "Yes father."
 "That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
 "But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
 "Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
 "Yes father," she says sometime later.
 "But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
 "But father, he has AIDS."

"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"

John was at home with the missus when he heard a knock at the front door. He opened it to see his friend Mike crouched, clutching his hands between his legs.
"What's wrong?" John said.
"I've been hit by a bloody golf ball!" said Mike.
Just then John's blonde wife, Tanya, came to the door and said, "Quick, come in here, and I'll look after you."
When John looked in the kitchen, he saw Mike sitting on a dining chair. Tanya had a bowl of rose water and petals and was bathing his friend's family jewels with cotton wool and water.
"Wow!" said John, "How do you feel?"
Mike turned and said "John, I think what your wife has done has helped a lot!"
Then, holding his hand in the air he said, "But, I still think I'll lose the thumb nail!"

 

[secondjag]

A girl says to her boyfriend, "I read a study that said 90 percent of all men masturbate in the shower and the other 10 percent sing." "Really?" said the boyfriend. "Yes," said the girlfriend, "and do you know what song they sing?" "No," replied the boyfriend. "I didn't think so," she said.

 

[secondjag]

A guy is at a bar sipping his drink when he spots a gorgeous blonde sitting at one of the tables with her friends.

She catches him staring at her and they eye each other for a while.

Then he decides to ‘go for it’, and motions to her with his finger (you know, that "come here" motion made by the index finger).

So, she walks over to where he's standing. He leans over and in a low voice whispers in her ear, "If I could make you 'come' with one finger, imagine what I could do with a whole hand."

A man asked his neighbor how he kept his car looking so nice and glossy. The neighbor replied that his wife gave him all her worn out panties, and he used these to polish his car with.
Being a bachelor, he decided to ask his stenographer for some of hers.

One day at the office he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, what do you do with your panties when you wear them out?"
"Well, that's a really personal question," she replied demurely. "But, if I can find them afterwards, I put them back on again."

A guy is driving through the country and his car breaks down.
He sees a farmhouse in the distance, so he goes over and knocks on the door.
A little kid comes to the door, and the guy says, "My car just broke down and I'd like to use your telephone. Is you mom home?"
The little kid says, "Nope."
The guy says, "Well, where is she?"
The little kid says, "Oh, she's out in the backyard, fucking the old goat."
The guy goes, "Oh my God! Isn't she afraid of getting pregnant?"
The little kid says, "Naaa-aaa-aaa!"

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"