Umm

[secondjag]

The morning after an all-night honeymoon expert virtuoso performance in bed, the somewhat amazed but blissfully happy newlywed wife snuggles up to her new hubby and says, "Darling, you are just wonderful. Last night was simply amazing. May I ask how many others were there before me?"
After a few moments of silence, the wife becomes a little testy and says, "Come on, I know there must have been some -- I'm waiting."
And "Captain Experience" takes a deep breath and says, "Hang on sweetheart, I'm still counting."

A guy walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey, buddy, if you can think of a good name for this bar, I’ll give you a free beer.”

So, the guy goes outside and tries to think of a name. A beautiful lady walks by and he asks her her name.

“Sarah,” she says. He looks at her incredible legs and realizes, “Sarah’s Legs” would make a great name for a bar.

He goes back inside and tells this story to the bartender, who immediately agrees and renames the bar “Sarah’s Legs.”

The next day, the guy is sitting outside the same bar when a lady walks by and asks, “What are you doing out here, handsome?”

“Oh, he answers, “I’m just waiting for Sarah’s Legs to open so I can have a couple of quick ones.”

 

 

[secondjag]

There was an old man from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
Great tuffs of grass
Shot out of his arse
And his cock was covered in weeds.

There was a man named McFeeney
Who spilled some gin on his weenie.
Not being uncouth,
He added vermouth,
And slipped his girl a martini.

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

"I want to get weighed," she said. 
So, they ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117, and she won a prize. 
Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. 
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar. 
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. 
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. 
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" 
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura - it was wousy." 

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it and hacks it another 10 feet.
She  looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically, "I  guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One  of the men immediately replies, "Now, you see, that's your problem. You should have taken golf lessons instead."

Three friends took their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas, and they all had a great time.
A few days after they returned home, the men were sitting around talking about their trip.
"I don't think I'm ever going to do that again!" says the first guy. "Since we've been back, my wife flings her arms and hollers '7 come 11' all night long. I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
"I hear ya, buddy," the second guy replies. "My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there. Since we've been back, she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light, hit me hard'. I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"
"You guys think you have it bad!" exclaims the third guy. "My wife played the slots the entire time we were there. Every morning I wake up with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!"

A German, an American and an Englishman were exploring the jungle when they came across an breathtakingly beautiful waterfall.
After admiring it for a while, the American says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of the great American Constitution, you know, where every atom of water is like an individual who has the freedom to make its own way through the world in unison with nature."
The German says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of the great German economy, strong and powerful and smooth running."
The Englishman, when asked about his thoughts says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of oral sex."
The American and the German look at him in amazement.
"What is it about this waterfall makes you think of oral sex?"
"Uh, everything I look at makes me think of oral sex."

 

 

[secondjag]

There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.

The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.
The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed this, and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.
The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him erection problems.
The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"

A young hotshot gets a job with the Internal Revenue. His first assignment is to audit an old rabbi.
He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he asks, "Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?"
The rabbi replies, "We send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while they send us a free candle."
The kid asks, "And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?"
The rabbi answers, "We send them to the matzoh ball factory. Every once in a while they send us a free box of matzoh balls."
The kid inquires, "And what do you do with foreskins from your circumcisions?"
The rabbi retorts, "We send them to the Internal Revenue Service. Every once in a while they send us a little prick like you!"

The teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Petey says, "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Petey, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply try to continue with the lesson... "And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Petey's hooker."

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for
weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I
have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which
he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse
written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door?
They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does
it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so.
I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel
guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he
enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a
beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get
fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice
young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the
repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

 

 

[secondjag]

A guy walked into the doctor's office for an appointment. "Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked. "I'll need the information for the doctor."
"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."
"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

 

 

[secondjag]

Two good old boys, Bubba and Junior have been promoted from Privates to Sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have a drank."
"But we's privates," protests Junior.

"We's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside. "Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."

"But, we's privates," says Junior. "You blind, boy?" asks Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now."
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you some place and make you feel good but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?"

"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates." Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!

 

 

[secondjag]

A Jewish boy came home from college and sat down to have a heart-to-heart talk with his doting mother. 
"I've got some good news and some bad news," he said.  "The bad news is that I'm a homosexual."
"Oh, no!" his mother exclaimed.
"Before you faint," the son continued, "the good news is I'm in love with a doctor."

There once was a young man named Eugene
Who invented a screwing machine.
Concave and convex,
It served either sex.
And it played with itself in between.

There once was a young man named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
He said, "What the hell,
You get used to the smell,

But think of the money I save!"

A kitty and a rooster held a race.
They reached a stream.
The cat said to the rooster, "I'm not jumping that -- you KNOW cats hate getting wet!"
The rooster replied, "Don't be a chicken -- just back up and take a flying leap!"
The cat tried, and landed in the middle of the stream.
The rooster smiled contentedly. "What's so bloody funny?" asked the cat.
The rooster answered, "Well, NOTHING pleases a cock more'n seeing a wet pussy!!"

A little girl accidentally walks in on her father while he's getting dressed. She points to his dick and says, "Daddy, what's that?" Not wanting to explain to her yet, he says, "Uh, I can't tell you, it's a secret."
The little girl finds her mother and asks, "What is that long thing between Daddy's legs?" Her mother also doesn't want to explain sex yet, so she says, "I don't know, he won't tell me." A couple days later the little girl says to her mother. "Mommy, I finally figured out what that thing between Daddy's legs is. It's a toothbrush! "
"Why do you think that?" the amused mother asks.
"Because," the little girl says, "this morning I saw the maid sliding it in and out of her mouth and she had toothpaste dripping down her chin."

 

 

[secondjag]

There was a young lady named Mable
Who liked to sprawl out on the table,
Then cry to her man,
'Stuff in all you can -
Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able.'

There was a young lady named Mandel
Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal
By coming out bare
On the main village square
And massaging herself with a candle.

One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse.

When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death.

When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side. "No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." 
"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here, he's going to say 'it could have been worse'." 
"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on." 
About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw t! he man on the floor with the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse." 
The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse??" 
"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!" 

 

 

 

 

[secondjag]

A little girl was playing up a tree near a church.
The priest was taking a walk when he happened to look up the tree and saw the little girl. She had no panties on, so he called her down and gave her two dollars to buy a pair of panties.
The girl was so happy that she ran home and told her mother about it.
The next day, when the priest was taking his daily walk, he looked up the same tree and saw the young girl's mother up there. She had no panties on, either.
He called her down and gave her two dollars to buy a razor!

There once was a young man from Nairs
Who liked to have sex on the stairs.
With one powerful stroke,
The banister broke.
And he finished her off in mid-air.

There once was a young holy roller,
Had a boyfriend attempt to console her.
She'd gone down on his cock,
That was hard as a rock...
Chipped a tooth, plus she knocked out a molar.

A man and his wife were talking and he says, "You know, I was thinking of going down to the bar tonight and entering that big-dick contest."
"Oh honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that out in public!"
"But sweet thing," he says, "the prize is $100!"
"I don't care," she says, "I don't want you showing that thing to everybody."
So he lets the subject drop until the following night when his wife walks in on him in the bedroom, counting out a hundred dollars. "Did you go down and enter that big-dick contest last night after I told you not to?"
"Please forgive me, sweetheart," he says.
"You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says, tears welling up in her eyes.
The man looks at her fondly and says, "Only enough to win."

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and we'd decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing was my fiancée’s younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years old, wore tight miniskirts, and low-cut blouses. She would regularly bend down near me and I enjoyed many pleasant views of her underwear. It had to be deliberate... I didn't notice her doing this near anyone else.
One day the sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me, just before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead
with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned.

I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them
down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went
straight to the front door. I opened the door, stepped out of the house,
and began walking directly toward my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he
hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little
test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our . Welcome to our
family!"
So, the moral of the story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

 

[secondjag]

Eight-year-old Johnny came home from school one day.

At the supper table he announced to his mother and father that tomorrow in school they
were going to learn about sex education.

The next evening at the dinner table Johnny's mother asked, "Well Johnny, what did you learn about sex education today?"
Johnny said, "I think the teacher said we should avoid inter-sections and buy condominiums."

It was the first day of the school year and the shop teacher was surprised to see a rather "princess-like" young lady sitting in the front row of the classroom. Her name was Judy, and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodworking shop class that term.

The shop teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class, and Judy assured
him that she was.

The teacher then said, "This course may be a bit out of your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools?"
"What exactly do you mean?" replied Judy.

"Well, what's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the shop teacher asked.

Judy pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly
say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."

 

 

[secondjag]

A man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass."
The doctors says, "drop your pants, bend over and let's have a look".
"Fuck me!!" says the doctor.  "What could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies "I've been fucked by an elephant."
The doctor says "An elephant's penis is long and thin. This hole is enormous."
Patient replies "He fingered me first."

There was a young lady named May,
Took a stroll in the park by the bay.
She met a young man,
Who fucked her and ran.
Now she goes to the park every day.

A man goes to the Doctor in desire of a prescription for Viagra.
Doctor looks over the man, and says, "Viagra can be very dangerous and we do not just dispense it indiscriminately, please bring your wife to my office next week and we'll discuss this in more detail.
So the next week the man shows up with his wife, the Doctor asks to see the wife by herself for a few moments and she follows him back to the examining room.
The doctor asks her to disrobe and she does. 
He then asks her to turn around in 360° a few times then instructs her to get up on the examining table and to turn in various positions.
He then tells her she can get dressed and goes out to meet the Male Patient.
"Sir", The Doctor Says, "There is nothing wrong with you, I couldn't get an erection either!"

A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton.
The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting.
The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud. "This is not the 1928 Mouton."
The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton. Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.
"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine."
Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton.  You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."
Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes."

 

 

 

[secondjag]

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society.
After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.
"William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?"
"Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time."
"Wow, fifty dollars!" exclaimed the bride. "The monks only used to give us an apple."

There once was a woman named Jess –

Bisexual, she'd readily confess.
She loved a good dick,
But pussy she'd lick,
And leave both a wet gooey mess.

A man is traveling through the desert when he comes upon an Indian lying on the ground stark naked with a hard-on sticking straight up in the air.
He asks the Indian what he is doing, to which the Indian replies, "I am telling the time."
The man tells the Indian that he does not believe it, so the Indian tells him that it is 1:00. The man looks at his watch and is amazed to find that it is exactly 1:00.
He travels a bit longer until he comes upon another naked Indian lying on the ground with a hard-on sticking straight up.
He asks this Indian what he is doing and he too replies that he is telling the time.
He tells the Indian to prove it and the Indian tells him that it is 2:00. The man looks at his watch and once again is amazed that the time is correct.
He continues his trek through the desert until he comes across an Indian lying naked in the sand, masturbating.
He asks this Indian, "And what the hell are you doing?"
The Indian replied, "I am winding my watch!"

Three women were returning to their Hungarian village when they spotted a man, obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of them.
As they watched him stumbling, he fell face down into a mud puddle.
When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him. However, his face was so covered with mud that she bent over and unzipped his pants. She remarked, "Well, he's not my husband."
The second woman peering over her shoulder agreed, "Your right, he's not your husband."
The third woman, somewhat older than the other two, bent over to look and said, "He's not even from our village."

A man named Butt walks into a grocery store where he sees one of his closest friends, Bob.

Bob approaches him with a sincere smile and greets Butt.
After a good conversation between the two men, Bob looks at Butt with affection and says:  "Listen Butt, you're my best friend. I respect you a lot and would never do anything to hurt you, but I've got to let this off my chest. I think you deserve much better than Lola. I'm telling you this as a friend. Your wife is not exactly a conservative woman!"
Butt looks at Bob in bafflement and replies: "What do you mean?"
Bob looks him straight in the eyes and whispers in his ear: "Look around! Why do you think there are almost no men in this grocery store? As a true friend, I feel obliged to tell you this.
Every time you go grocery shopping, there is a very long line-up at your front door!"
Butt, confused and puzzled asks, "What are you trying to say?"
Bob looks at him in sorrow and replies: "I hate to break this to you my dear friend, but your wife is a money hungry whore! Divorce her!"
Butt, startled by Bob's rude comment replies in a fury: "What kind of a friend are you? You must think I'm an Idiot? You want me to divorce her, so I'll have to wait in line too?"

 

 

 

[secondjag]

A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer.
The bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked "What's the problem, pal?"
"My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his neighborhood that pays $40 for a donation."
"Yeah, so?"
"Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!"

Mr. Hands was called in for an audit, and a surly Inland Revenue officer confronted him. "It says here that you're a bachelor -- yet you have claimed a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake." Mr. Hands looked him straight in the eye and said, "Yep, it surely was."

A man walks into a department store, and as he does, a perfume girl asks him to try some perfume. The man tries some and says, "Hey, that's not too bad, what's it called?"
The perfume lady says, "Come to Me" The man smells it again and says, "Yeah?  Well, it doesn't smell like cum to me."

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.
She said, "I'm on the 14th, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again, he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady .... well, I am in sales also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No I wouldn't," he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.
"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax."
With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

 

 

[secondjag]

There was a young lady, Miss Hall,
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught fire,
And burned her entire
Front page, sports section, and all.

There was a young lady named Gray,
Who was asked to make love in the hay.
She jumped at the chance
And took off her pants,
She was tickled to try it that way!

A man, new in town, goes to the best brothel in the city.
Choosing the best-looking girl in the place, he retires to a large and well-appointed suite, where he has some of the best sex of his life.
Satiated, the man asks the madam, "How much do I owe you?"
The madam motions for him to put away his money. She then pulls two hundred dollars out of a purse and gives it to him. She fends off all his attempts for an explanation.
Naturally, the man returns the following evening. He gets the same treatment, and is again given two hundred dollars.
The third night he does the same thing, but when he sees the madam, she asks him for three hundred dollars.
"Wait a minute," he says. "The first night you gave me two hundred dollars. The second night you gave two hundred dollars. Now you want me to pay you three hundred? Why?"
The madam smiles and says, "Tonight you weren't being filmed."

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department, where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

 

 

[secondjag]

One day at lunch several guys were engaged in a little friendly bragging about their sexual prowess and the dimensions of their members.

First one, then the next, would add his own exaggerations until the whole thing became quite ridiculous.

Then Bill said matter of factly "mine's about four inches."
There was stunned silence before one of the guys said, "Bill, you're kidding right?"
"Not at all, four inches," he said, with perfect sincerity. "You know, some women like it."
We all sat in embarrassed silence until Bill continued, "Of course, others complain it's just too wide."

Mike picked up an attractive woman, named Linda, who flagged down his car in a seedy part of town. As they rode, he asked her what she did for a living. Linda winked at Mike and said, "I'm a magician." "No way," Mike scoffed. 'Prove it." So, Linda touched him on the thigh, and, "Poof," Mike turned into a hotel.

"Don't open that wardrobe!" shouted my wife as I was just about to, "Your Christmas present is in there!" "Too late," I said, pulling open the door. "You get me the shittiest presents!" I said, looking in. "Why the hell would I want a half-naked milkman?"

There once was a man named Eugene
Who invented a screwing machine
Concave and convex.
It served either sex,
And it played with itself in between.

There once was a man named Brewster,
Who said to his wife as he goosed her,
“That used to be grand,
But just look at my hand,
You’re not wiping as good as you used to!”

A monkey is walking through the jungle when he comes across an elephant.
"Hello, Mr. Elephant", he says, "what a fine day it is. Would you like to see my cock?"
Slightly startled the elephant says, "Good morning Mr Monkey. Why on earth would I want to see your genitalia?"
"Oh, it's absolutely amazing", came the reply, "you won't regret this" and with that the monkey whips out his member which, as promised, amazed the elephant. There were FOUR tips to this particular monkey's monkeyhood.
"My word!" said the elephant, "aren't you the lucky one".
The monkey continued his jaunt through the jungle when he happens upon a giraffe. "Hello up there Mr Giraffe. Let me show you my cock!"
 Spluttering out the leaf he was munching the giraffe protests but he is equally as stunned as the elephant when he sees the monkeys' four headed knob. "Incredible!" he states.
And off trots the monkey until he encounters a jaguar asleep under a tree. "Mr. Jaguar! Mr. Jaguar! Look at my extraordinary penis!"
Stirring from his sleep the jaguar wakes to find the mutant cock before his eyes, which he promptly bites off.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH", screams the monkey, "What did you do that for?"
"Because I'm a four-point tool eater Jaguar"  

NOW PETER YOU KNOW I LIKED THAT LAST ONE!!  SJ

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~

 

Poetry Contest

 

 

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

 

[secondjag]

A man walked in to his local butcher to find his regular butcher, John, absent. So, he asks the manager, "Where's John?"
The manager tells the man that John was fired because he was found sticking his dick in the meat slicer"
Then the man asked, "Where is the meat slicer now?"
The butcher then replied, "I fired her, too."

A man walks into a brothel and approaches a beautiful Oriental courtesan. "Is it true, that Asian women's vaginas are slit sideways?" he asks. "Why?" she responds. "Are you a harmonica player?"

There once was a poor man named Crocket
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
So she cranked on the switch,
And Crocket took off like a rocket!

A man was getting concerned that his 3 daughters might not be as innocent as he wished.
What did they already know about sex? He decided to find out.
So he brought his 16-year-old into the bathroom, dropped his pants, and said "Do you know what this is?" "Yes, daddy, that's a penis".
The man exploded! He couldn't believe it! "You're grounded for a year", he exclaimed, "and you're going to read the Bible every day!"
He then brought his 14-year-old into the bathroom, and dropped his pants. "Do you know what this is?"
"Yes, daddy, it's a penis"
Unbelievable! He grounded her for 2 years, and took away her allowance forever.
Finally, he brought his 12-year-old into the bathroom, dropped his pants, and asked "Do you know what this is?" "No, daddy, I don't."
"What a good girl! I'm very proud of you! I'm going to raise your allowance! Anyway, this is called a penis."
The girl laughed and said, "You call THAT a penis?!?"

 

[secondjag]

A New Zealander moved to Sydney Australia to play football.
When he arrived, was told to go and see the coach.
"Now listen," said the coach, "This isn't some minor league Kiwi team. Do you think you're good enough to play football for us?"
"Shit, yeah!" replied the Kiwi.
"We'll see" said the coach. "We'll give you a run in the first half and pull you off at half time."
"Shit, that's different." Said the Kiwi. "We only get oranges at half time in New Zealand!"

There was a young lady named Gray,
Who was asked to make love in the hay.
She jumped at the chance
And took off her pants,
She was tickled to try it that way!

There was a young gypsy girl, Rose,
With obsessions for a gentleman’s hose.
Up her pussy, her rear,
In her mouth and each ear
And her cute little freckle-tipped nose.

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Always be well informed in your job or you might miss a great opportunity!

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better than Sex

10   ... A below par performance is considered damn good.  
# 9   ... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.  
# 8   ... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.  
# 7   ... Foursomes are encouraged.  
# 6   ... You can still make money doing it as a senior.  
# 5   .. Three times a day is possible.  
# 4   ... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.  
# 3   ... If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.  
# 2   .. You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.  
  
And the NUMBER ONE   reason why golf is better than sex...  
# 1   ... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

John & Marsha were having marital difficulties, neither being able to satisfy the other sexually.
One day Marsha visited her friend Dorothy, who was quite a woman of the world, and casually mentioned the problem.
"It's not the first time I've heard of it," said Dorothy.
"You can go to all the doctors in the world and they can't help you. But there is a remedy."
For God's sake, Dorothy, tell me what it is!" exclaimed Marsha.
She said, "Well, since you insist, and against my better judgment, I will tell you. The only remedy is for John to eat it."
"Oh, no!" exclaimed Marsha, "He would never do that!"
Dorothy shrugged. "There you have it -- take it or leave it. You asked and I told you."
Driving home, Marsha prepared an unusually fine supper for John that night. When he returned from work. he enjoyed it mightily, but wondered a bit about the reason for it.
"That was a great meal," he said. "Anything unusual happen today? Enjoy your visit with Dorothy?"
Marsha told John of Dorothy's suggestion.
"Absolutely not!" he exploded.
"I won't engage in such disgusting practices."
But Marsha urged and begged until finally John gave in.
"OK," he said. "I guess it won't hurt to try it once."
Marsha went up and got into bed, pulling the covers up to her neck.
When John arrived he surveyed the scene and tried to decide how to proceed.
Finally he raised the covers at the foot of the bed and crawled under them.
Groping around until he located his target, with much hesitation, he undertook his task.
No sooner than he started, Marsha broke wind explosively.
Under the covers, a muffled voice was heard to say....
"Thank God for that breath of fresh air."

 

 

 

[secondjag]

A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.  "Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist.  "Only one," replies the groom. "She won't take it up the ass."

A Polish girl went to the gynecologist. She disrobed and got up into the stirrups. The doctor was so shocked at the neglectful state of her vagina he asked, "When was the last time you had a check-up?" "Well, to be honest with you," she blushed, "I've never had a Czech up there, but I have had several Hungarians."

A popular newspaper was carrying out a survey on sexual habits.

One questioner stopped an elderly Italian gentleman in the street who was wearing a black suit and asked him how often he had sexual intercourse.
"Oh, about half a dozen times a year", said the gentleman.  The questioner smiled.
"I thought you Italians were supposed to be sexy!" she said.
"We are," said the gentleman.  "But, I don't think half a dozen times a year is so bad for a seventy-two year old priest with no car."

In school one day the teacher decided in science class she would teach about raw materials. 
So, she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?" 
Little Richie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche." 
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie Marie. 
Little Susie said "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette." 
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. 
Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." 
The teacher said, "Why Johnny?" 
He responded by saying, "because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!" 

A guy meets this girl in a bar and asks, “May I buy you a drink?”

Looking unimpressed at the man she replies, “Okay, but it won't do you any good.”

A little later, he asks, “May I buy you another drink?”

He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, “Okay, but it won't do you any good.”

They get to his apartment and he says, “You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife.”

She says, “Oh, that's different. Send her in.”

When a horse-playing golfer named Trey
Goosed a girl in the rough one fine day
He found her, though willing,
Just barely fulfilling....
"I would rate her," said Trey, "a par lay."

When a corpulent spinster named Snow
Was approached by a dwarf for a blow,
She replied, "I have pride!
Your request is denied!
I could never, sir, stoop quite that low!"

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, You can be the MAN of Your House. 
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.

You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

The wife replied, "The funeral director" would be my first guess.'

 

 

[secondjag]

There once was a man from Calcutta
Who took a sly peep through a shutter.
But all he could see
was his wife's twitching knee
And the arse of the man that was up her.

A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when she looks down and sees a really ugly frog.
Picking the frog up, she comments on the creatures rather hideous appearance...
Princess: My but you are really an ugly frog!
Frog: I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me.
Princess: Well I've seen frogs with spells but, none as ugly as you.
Frog: Look, I told you lady, it's a Really bad spell.
Princess: Well even so, if I kiss you will you turn into a Prince?
Frog: I don't know lady, a spell this bad will probably take a blow job.

A redneck took his to the Gynecologist.  They waited in the Doctor's office when, finally, the Doctor came in and asked the father, "Well, what are we here for today"?
The father answered, "To get my on birth control, Doc."
"Well, is your sexually active?", asked the Doctor.
"Naw," answered the redneck. "She just lays there, just like her mother."

A young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that silly smile off of your face."

There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped." 

His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" 

The first fellow does just that.

The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"

 

 

[secondjag]

There once was a man from Brighton
Who said to his girl, you're a tight 'n.
She cried “'pon my soul
You're in the wrong hole.
There's plenty of room in the right one.”

There once was a man from Boston
Who drove around in a green Austin.
He had room for his ass
And a gallon of gas.
But his balls hung out, and he lost them.

A young man and woman met, fell in love at first sight, and decided to get married immediately. Because they had known each other for only a short time, they agreed not to talk about their past history.
On their honeymoon, they stopped at a motel with a swimming pool, put on their swim suits and went to the pool. The husband climbed to the top of the high diving board and proceeded to execute one fantastic dive after another.

The other motel guests at the pool cheered and applauded his outstanding performance. Although they had agreed not to discuss the past, he confessed to his bride he once had been an Olympic diving champ.
After a few moments, his wife stood up, walked to the edge of the pool, dived in and knifed through the water like a shark. Reaching the other side of the pool, she sprang from the water, turned around, dived back into the water and swam to the other side in just a few seconds.

She repeated this behavior for about five minutes before she finally stopped and sat down beside her husband. He was absolutely astounded by this incredible performance and said, "Although we agreed not to talk about the past, I just have to know where you learned to swim like that!"
"It's very simple. I once was a hooker in Venice, Italy."

 

 

 

[Peter C]

13 hours ago, secondjag said:

There once was a man from Brighton

That's me!

[secondjag]

A well-known diplomat had just returned from a weekend at a stately country home.
When he was asked by a friend whether or not he'd had a good time, he said,
"If the soup had been as warm as the wine, and the wine as old as the chicken, and the chicken as tender as the upstairs maid, and the maid as willing as the Lady of the house,
it would have been perfect."

nry and Doris were sitting in the lounge of the old folks' home one evening, Henry i his pajamas and dressing gown. Doris whispered, "Henry! Do yourself up properly; your willy's sticking out!" Henry looked down, and said, "Don't flatter yourself, dear. My willy is HANGING out!"

What happens when a whore house catches fire?
Some come out running and some run out coming!

A wife reaches her husband a silk handkerchief and asks him: "Doesn't this belong to your secretary?" "Where did you find that?" he stutters. "I didn't", she answers. "The mail man found it on your night-stand."

A soldier, filled with obvious triumph, returned from his twenty-four-hour pass and was besieged by his buddies who wanted to know, in detail, how he had made out.

The soldier, nothing loath, said gleefully, "What a piece of fuckin' luck I had.
I hadn't been off camp more than half an hour when I met this fuckin' broad and was she stacked!
We got to talking and I took her out for some fuckin' hamburgers.
Then we went to a fuckin' movie where we got friendly.
Then she took me to her fuckin' apartment and in less than five minutes I had every fuckin' stitch off her."
He paused for breath and everyone cried out, "So what happened?"  What happened?"
And the soldier said, "What do you think happened, you fuckin' jerks? We had sexual intercourse."

An elderly couple are sitting around one evening and the man says to his wife, "Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 60th wedding anniversary. We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there's something I've always wondered about. Tell me the truth. Have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
She hesitates a moment, then says, "Yes, three times, Sidney."
"Three times? How could that happen?" Sidney asks.
The wife begins recalling slowly, "Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were so broke, and the bank was going to foreclose on our little house?"
"Yes, dear, that was really a terrible time" replies the man.
Marsha continued, "And remember when I went to see the banker one night and the next day the bank extended our loan?"
"That's hard to take" the man says, "but I guess it really was for us, so I can forgive you. What was the second time?"
"Well," she continued, "do you remember years later when you almost died from the heart problem because we couldn't afford the operation?"
"Yes, of course" the man replies.
"Then you will remember that right after I went to see the doctor, he did your operation at no cost?" she explained.
"That's true" Sidney nodded. "That shocks me, Marsha, but I do understand that you did it out of love for me, and I forgive you. So, what was the third time?"
Marsha lowers her head and says, "Sidney, do you remember when you ran for Country Club President and you needed 62 more votes...?"

 

 

[secondjag]

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up.
"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, It seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might Be a hemophiliac?"
"Well," the doctor answered, "hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac."
He went on, "Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?"
After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."

What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't??
A navel.

There once was a girl they called Trish
Who was quite a delectable dish.
Men savored her lips,
Then brought bags of chips,
For her pussy smelt strongly of fish.

There once was a guy named Herby
who 's girl wore a bowtie and derby.
Like it or not,
She had a clean shaven twat.
I guess there's no furby for Herby.

A small West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem: The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of her species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.
So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?
Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss the gorilla."
"Second, you must never tell anyone about this."
The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
Ed stated, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

 

 

[secondjag]

Fred and Jim are having a quiet beer one night when Fred announces that he's going to divorce his wife.
"Good grief" says Jim, "You and Sue are the happiest couple I know - why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of obvious bliss?"
"Well" replies Fred, "Truth be known I'm just bored with pokin' the same hole night after night after night. I guess I'm hankerin' for a bit of variety."
Jim: "Well if you want variety, why don't you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?"
Fred: "What - and have a house full of kids???"

Why are priests called father?

Because it’s too suspicious to call them daddy.

 

 

[secondjag]

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaims the guy.
The barman replies "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks,  "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents," he replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies,
 "Same thing I'm doing to his business."

"It's my code," says a mailman named Drew,
"To unzip, then deliver a screw.
If virgins, when nervous,
Resist postal service,
I explain that the male must get through."

Three guys are drinking at a bar and talking about their favorite bars.
The first guy says, 'As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink.'
'Well,' said the second man, "At my local in London, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.'
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the third guy, 'Back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!'
The first two guys lift their eyebrows in suspicion. 'Yea right,' says the first guy, 'there is no bar that good.' 

The man swore every word was true.
Then the second man asked, 'Come ON, be real. Did this actually happen to you?'
'Well. Not to me, personally, no,' admitted the man. "But it did happen to my sister quite a few times."

 

 

 

[Peter C]

I sent this picture to Becky. I hope she gets it!