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secondjag

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Posts posted by secondjag

  1. Mommy sighs, knowing this day would come so she sits her down for a long talk about ‘the birds and the bees’.
    After Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies, the little girl is now silent for a while.
    "You understand it now?" Mommy asks.
    "Yes," replies her .
    "Do you still have any questions?"
    "Yes, how about little kittens, how does that work?"
    "In exactly the same way as with babies."
    "Wow," the girl exclaims, "my daddy will fuck ANYTHING!"

    Scene: The finish line of the famous Venice Canal swim race. A newspaper reporter is interviewing Pierre, who was favored to win the race.
    Reporter: "Pierre, you were favored to win today's Venice Canal race by a 1/4 mile; this wasn't even supposed to challenge you.  Why then did you finish dead last, shocking your fans?"
    Pierre: "Well, at the start I was in the lead, and taking it easy, knowing there was no one in reach of me. As I passed under the first bridge, Suzzette was standing on top of it, rubbing her hips, and looking very sexy. She was calling to me, saying, 'Pierre, I am yours when you finish the race.'"
    "This started to get me excited, my swim suit was getting uncomfortable. The next bridge I passed under, the beautiful Rosa was standing on the bridge. She had her shirt off, and was fondling her large breasts, saying, 'these are for you when you finish the race, Pierre.'"
    "I was now dragging in the mud. The other swimmers were now in sight, but I swam on."
    "The third bridge I passed under, the naked Bridget was standing on it. She was rubbing her body, and calling to me, saying, 'I am yours when you finish the race Pierre, I want you so bad.' This was it, I was now stuck in the mud, all the other swimmers passed me, and I was sad to let down my fans. I didn't know what to do."
    Reporter: "But Pierre, why didn't you try the backstroke?"
    Pierre: "Ah, but what of the bridges?"

     

    A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.
    While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
    The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.
    For $100, the cabby agreed.
    Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.
    The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
    The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

    The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
    Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
    He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
    The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold.

     

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  2. A little 8-year-old boy wanted to be circumcised when he realized he looked different than dad and his friends.
    The day after the procedure he returned to school.

    During class, he became uncomfortable and asked for permission to go to the nurse.

    When he arrived at her office, he hesitated and finally just asked if he could call his mother. Sensing this was personal, the nurse stepped into the hall and closed the door to allow him privacy.
    Several minutes later the little boy came out of her office and the nurse noticed his penis was sticking out of his pants.
    "Where are you going?" she asked.
    "Back to class," said the boy.
    "But you can't go back like that!" exclaimed the nurse.
    "I have to," stressed the boy. "My mother said that if I could just stick it out until lunchtime, she would come and pick me up."

     

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    • Like 2
  3. Three young neighborhood women, having coffee, were discussing their husbands.
    One said, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"
    The second says, " Well, you’re not alone, cuz I'm sure my husband is cheating on me also. Last month I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of tiny holes with my sewing needle and put it back in his wallet!"
    The third woman fainted!

     

    A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

    After a good bit has been said and done, the husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
    After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
    She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
    She says, "I was in bed."
    "What are you doing in bed at this hour?"
    "Getting a second opinion!"

    A cop stops his patrol car when he sees a couple acting strangely sitting on the curb.
    The guy is laying on his side with his pants pulled down, the girl has her finger in his ass-hole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.
    The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"
    The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pouring down the booze.
    Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."
    The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."
    She says, "Yeah? Wait till I put this finger in his mouth."

     

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    • Like 2
  4. Ma and Pa Kettle were sitting on the front porch rocking away listening to Reverend Ike on the radio. The Reverend said, "Place your left hand on the part of your body you want healed, raise your right hand in the air and say, 'I Believe, I Believe!' and you shall be healed."
    Well, Ma placed her left hand inside her blouse over her tired, old heart and lungs, and raised her right hand in the air and shouted, "I Believe, I Believe!"
    Meanwhile, Pa just looked at her like she was some kind of lunatic. Then, Ma started breathing nice and easy, without her old wheeze, and she started rocking twice as fast as before. A wonderful color came back into her cheeks.
    Pa shrugged his shoulders, and figured what the heck. So, he shoved his left hand down the front of his pants. Then, he started to raise his right hand in the air, when Ma said, "Pa, the Reverend said, 'Heal,' not raise the dead."

    With the circus in town, a local man is very excited to see the magic show and rushes down to the big-top. He reaches the gates just as the circus is closing for the day but manages to buy a ticket and hurriedly runs into the tent. "Where's the magic show?", he breathlessly asks one employee.  
    The lady replies that she just saw the magician in the back packing up his bags for the day and without wasting a minute, the man rushes back to see the show. He races into the room only to find the magician ready to leave.  
    "I'm here for the magic show", the guy tells the magician.  
    "Sorry pal, come back tomorrow I'm going home." replies The Amazing Jonas.  
    "Look", says the man, "I just paid good money to come in and see a magic show and that's what I expect!"  
    Visually annoyed, the magician tells him, "Buddy, I've been here all day and I'd like to go home and see my wife and kids."  
    With that, the customer becomes even more irate, and DEMANDS that he be shown at least one magic trick.  
    "Okay, you want to see a magic trick?!", Jonas asks. "Pull down your pants."  
    The man looks skeptical but does as he's told.  
    "Now bend over and grab your ankles." As he does Jonas walks behind him and the man flinches. "There," asks the magician. "Can you feel my finger in your ass?"  
    The man winces and replies, "Yeah."  
    The magician holds both of his hands over the guy's back, wiggles his fingers in front of his face and shouts, "Ta-Dah."  

     

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    • Like 1
  5. A little farm boy comes in late for school.
    The teacher asks why he's late.
    The farm boy replies, "I had to take the family cow over to the neighbour's to get her bred by a bull."
    Annoyed, teacher demands, "Can't your father do that?"
    Little farm boy thinks for a moment: replies, "Well, sure... but the bull can do it better."

    Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.
    One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
    Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
    Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
    Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies "In Jenny's room.  It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
    Still thinking this is just adorable; Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live?  You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
    Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance.  Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."
    By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this.
    He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to.
    After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well, Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you.
    What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
    Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."
    Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little sucker is adorable.

     

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    • Like 1
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