Umm

[secondjag]

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and ended up [as so many conversations do] talking about their love lives. One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner, because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said, "The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

Father O'Brian, a young priest, was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years, the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing.
Father O'Brian said, "This is a very lonely job, and I don't think that I could have made it this long without my Rosary and two martinis each day."
"What?!" Exclaimed the Bishop. "You've taken to drinking? What kind of example is that to set for the community? This doesn't reflect well on the church."
"But the loneliness, I just couldn't stand it. If it weren't for my Rosary and those two martinis a day, I would surely have gone insane."
The Bishop thought a moment, then said, "I guess that is understandable considering..."
With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?"
The Bishop said, "Well, I really shouldn't but... Yes, that would be nice. I think I will, but just this once."
The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Hey Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?"

 

[secondjag]

At the mahjong game, a matron was bragging to her club members.
"That old goat of a husband of mine can't spend a dime without my consent. My lawyer drew up an agreement that will hold up 100% in any court. And when he dies, I get every cent under his last will and testicles."
"You must mean testament," said one of the ladies.
"When I say testicles, I mean testicles," laughed the woman. "Even after he's buried, I'll still have him by the balls!"

 

[secondjag]

Jerry was walking near a ladies’ fashion store when he observed this knockout blonde approaching him. He says to the lady, "You are a gal with my favourite kind of legs!"
The blonde asks, "And just what kind of legs are they?" Jerry says, " They have feet on one end and pussy on the other!"

An old gentleman wearing a beat-up leather-flying jacket sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the man and asked, "Are you a real pilot?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life flying; biplanes, cubs, Aeroncas, T-6s, flew in WWII in a B-25, and later Sabre Jets in the Korean conflict. I taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so yes, i guess I am a pilot."
She said, "I'm a Lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women."
The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, "Are you a real pilot?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I am a Lesbian."

 

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

In an after-dinner discussion with other members of London's Hellfire Club, the eighteenth-century English prelate George Selwyn was told a story about a father, son, and grandson, who had all shared the same mistress, passing her on from generation to generation.
While most members of the group considered this quite remarkable, one member of the club casually remarked, "There's nothing new under the sun."
Selwyn quipped, "Nor under the grandson."

 

[secondjag]

A man decides to take the opportunity, while his wife is away, to paint the toilet seat.

His wife comes home sooner than expected, sits down, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed."

 

[secondjag]

A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the pub is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed, and he slinks back to his table totally red-faced.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
The man responds, at the top of his lungs, "NO, I WILL NOT PAY $300!"

 

[secondjag]

Two deaf people get married.
During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.
"The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now, if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times"

Two farmers, farmer Bob and farmer Dan, are having beers in the local bar.
Farmer Bob is a younger man, somewhat new to the farming business. Conversely, farmer Dan has been doing it for nearly 20 years and is the most successful man in town.
After a few hours of drinking, farmer Bob gets up and says, "I'm gonna go home to feed the beaver."
Farmer Dan asks, "What's that supposed to mean?" Farmer Bob replies, "Well, my wife doesn't know about it, but I like to use names of chores on the farm for having sex."
A few months later, farmer Bob's tractor breaks down. He's so distraught, he decides to drown his sorrows at the local bar.
After sulking for a few hours, farmer Bob decides to return home. To his surprise, he finds a brand-new tractor in front of his house. He begins to jump for joy. He runs inside to look for his wife.
Farmer Bob says to his wife, "Honey, where did this great tractor come from?"
His wife replies, "Well, farmer Dan gave it to me. All I had to do was handle his eggs, and milk his udder!"

An impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor.  He wants some Viagra, but he doesn't want his wife to know about it. 
The doc prescribes it for him, he heads to the pharmacist, who fills the prescription. 
Home is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little blue pills.
When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his wife with words.
That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes.  They tear off each other's clothes and are quickly in bed.
He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times.
Three times!
He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad.
"What's wrong, dear?" he asks
"I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's doing you in," she sighs.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service.  Nothing for ages, and then -- three come all at once!"

 

[Peter C]

[secondjag]

8 hours ago, Peter C said:

love the coffee Peter

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice. So, he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

 

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring the Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash, and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

 

 

[secondjag]

Two girls were discussing their heavy smoking habits.
"I get such a yen for a cigarette," said one, "that the only effective countermeasure is to pop a Life Saver into my mouth and suck strongly."
"That's all very well for you," huffed her friend.

"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Well, I don't happen to live in a house that's right on the beach!"

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car, and he sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly, "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So, Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.

I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He excitedly describes the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

An Amish woman and her were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day. The said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

 

The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up." So, the did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold."

The replied, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up."
The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the . He said, "My nose is freezing cold."

The replied, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up.
The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The next day, the is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?"
The says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out!"

 

[secondjag]

A 54-year-old accountant, Alex, leaves a letter for his wife, Judy, one Friday evening that read:
"Dear Judy:  I am 54, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18-year old secretary, Melissa."

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him at the front desk that read as follows:
 "Dear Alex:  I, too, am 54, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18-year old boy toy. You, being an accountant, will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

 

[Peter C]

[secondjag]

A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. It's a hooker. He'd never been with a hooker before.
"Twenty bucks," she says.
He decides what the heck, it's only twenty bucks.

They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.
Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know"
"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face!

Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."
This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.
A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years.
She greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today."
"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."
But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today."
Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.
Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker.
As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary.
"Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."
"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning."
Mother Superior was floored!
"Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me."
Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face.
"Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."

 

My Birthday

 That morning, I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, Happy Birthday, and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ‘Happy Birthday’.  I thought…. ‘…..well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids…. they will remember.’

My kids came bouncing downstairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word.

So, when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss, Rick, said, “Good morning, pretty lady, and by the way, Happy Birthday!” I felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, “It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go to lunch just you and me.”

I said, “Thanks, Rick, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day.  Let’s go!”

We went to lunch, but we didn’t go where we normally went.  He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.  We had two martinis each, and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office Rick said, “It’s such a beautiful day; we don’t need to go straight back to the office, do we?”

I responded, “I guess not.  What do you have in mind?”

He said, “Let’s drop by my place, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, “If you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.  I’ll be right back.”

“Ok,” I nervously replied.  He went into the bedroom and after a couple minutes he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, my parents and dozens of my friends, and co-workers all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there on the couch…..totally naked!

The local vicar is having a bath, and he's a little bored, so he decides to, 'pleasure' himself. He's quite happily tugging away, reaches the old moment of bliss, and opens his eyes only to see, at the window, the window cleaner, jaw agape at what he's just seen.
A couple of minutes later, the doorbell rings - it's the window cleaner.
The vicar is understandably embarrassed, and asks the man how much he owes him.
"50 quid" comes the reply.
"50 quid?!?" says the vicar, startled.
"Yep, fifty quid, or I tell the whole parish about what I saw, you perv."
So the vicar hands over the cash, and the cleaner gets on his way.

The following week, the bishop's round for his supper and is having a wander round the vicar's house, admiring his lovely home.
He says to the vicar, "Lovely clean windows you've got there, Vicar, who does them for you?"
"Oh, a guy from the village does them for me, he does a great job," replies the vicar.
"Oh, yeah. How much does he charge you, then?"
"Well," replies the vicar, "fifty quid, actually"
"Fifty quid? Blimey!" says the bishop. "He must have seen you coming."

 

[Peter C]

[secondjag]

One man, who was married to an identical twin was asked, “How can you tell them apart?”

His answer was great. 

He said, “Cup her on her ass and give a gentle squeeze. If she screams, she’s your wife. If she smiles, it’s your sister-in-law.”

Doctor: "Madame, I'd like to give you a thorough examination. Please take off all your clothes."
Patient: "But doctor, I only stopped by for the blood test results.  Dr. Johnson found me in perfect condition just yesterday."
Doctor: "So he told me... so he told me."

 

[secondjag]

A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
   Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
   Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
   Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"

 

This girl walks into a chemist's shop and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy some arsenic.

He says, "What do you want with arsenic?"

She said "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by having sex with another woman."

The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband, lady, even if he is having sex with another woman."

So, she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist says "Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription."

 

[secondjag]

Two gay men decide to have a baby.

They mix their sperm and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.

 Two dozen babies are in the Ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the men's delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.

''Isn't it wonderful?'' Brad exclaims. ''All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy.''

''He's happy now," says the nurse. "But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass.''

What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A Dry Martinez!

 A man comes home from work and finds his wife screwing his cousin in the closet. ''What the hell are you doing?!'' the man asks. ''I'm riding a bus,'' his cousin replies.
''That's a stupid thing to say!'' ''That's a stupid thing to ask!''

How do you say 69 in Chinese?
Two can choo.

A man dies and goes to Hell.

The Devil greets him and says, "You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to Heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So, go on, pick a room."

The Devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped.

The second room has someone being burned by a torch.

The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman.

"I choose this room!" the man says.

"Very well," the devil says.

He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.

"You can go now," he tells her. "I've found your replacement."

 

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!"
"Oh NO! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive."
"I also heard that you've been calling me fat?!?"
"Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are."
"I've also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!"
"Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"

 

Two lawyers had been life-long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-and-horny secretary.
One day the secretary announced she was pregnant.

They told her not to worry, and assured her that they would pay all medical costs, and would act as co-fathers when the child was born, and would provide all expenses thereafter.
The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room.

Finally, one of them said, "I can't take this, I'm going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!"
The partner agreed to do that.

About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.
"What happened?" asked the waiting car occupant.
The other partner announced, "They were twins and mine died!"

 

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

A man was out for a leisurely walk one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood.
Suddenly, he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then, he noticed another couple behind a tree, and yet another couple behind some bushes by the house.
He walked up to the front door of the house, and knocked.

A well-dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked curiously, "I could help but notice all the activity on your front lawn. What kind of a place is this?"
"This is a brothel," replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.
"Oh, we're having a yard sale today!"

Seems God was just about done creating the Universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.
"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, whom he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability."
Adam jumped up and blurted out, "Oh, give that to me. I'd love it. Please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be great. When I'm out working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly, it would be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to."
On and on he went, like an excited little boy who... well... had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind.
And so, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his urine while in a vertical position. He was so happy he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him and laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left in here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms."

 

An old man was sitting on a train across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realized she was COMMANDO (going without underwear).

She saw him staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?"
“Yes, I’m sorry," he replied and promised to avert his eyes.
"It’s quite all right," she replied, "It’s very talented, watch this. I’ll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough, her vagina blew him a kiss.
The old man was completely astounded. and inquired what else it could do.
"I can also make it wink," she replied.

The old man stared in amazement as the vagina winked at him.
"Come and sit next to me," she said, patting the seat. He moved over and she asked, “Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, he asked, “You’re shittin' me. You mean it can whistle, too?”
It's tough gettin old!

An Australian couple is having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so the husband says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you'll charge a hundred dollars. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."

She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a Guy pulls up and asks "How much?” She says, "A hundred dollars.” He replies, "All I got is thirty."

She says, "Hold on," and runs back to the husband and asks. "What now. What can he get for thirty?

"A hand job," the husband replied. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He agrees and she gets in the car.

He unzips his trousers and out pops this HUGE tool. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right back..."

She runs back to her husband.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy dollars?"