Umm

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Jim, is wearing

an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally, conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”

The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earring.”

“Don’t make a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So,

how long have you been wearing one?”

“Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”

One day, a woman named Nancy received some terrible news. Her beloved grandfather had just passed away.
So, she went straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 92-year-old grandmother and offer her some comfort.
When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied, "It was a heart attack, he got it while we were making love on Saturday morning."
Horrified, Nancy told her grandmother that 2 people nearing 100 years of age probably shouldn't be indulging in such dangerous passions.
"Oh no, my dear," replied her gran. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous. Simply in on the 'Ding' and out on the 'Dong'. "
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

 

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25-year old." The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50-year old ass?" "Your name did not come up."

You think you have lived to be old and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!
An old Navy Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old Navy leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Steadman’s, then the early Grumman’s... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, "Are you a real pilot?"
He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.”

 

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

While watching the football play-offs at their local pub, Michael complained to Roy that the love making with his girlfriend was becoming routine and boring.
"Well I think you need to get creative," Roy said. "Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour?" Roy suggested.
"Hmmm…  That's what I'll do. It sounds great but tell me, how in the hell do I make it last for an hour?" Michael asked.
Simple Roy answered, "Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"

A deaf mute walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms.
He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf.
Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five-dollar bill next to it.
The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf-mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket.
Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.
"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born.
Statistics just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations B.O.H. Team, revealing that:
North American men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex one to two times per week (and a small number a lot more),
Whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
This has come as very upsetting news to both me and most of my buddies at the golf club, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.

 

 

[secondjag]

A man moves into a nudist colony.
He receives a letter from his Grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.
He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his Grandmother's eyesight is. He hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother.
It says:
“Thank you for the picture. You should change your hair style... It makes your nose look short.”
Love, Gramma

A man goes in bar. A mouse jumps out of his pocket. Bartender says, "Nice mouse."
The other man says, "Not your ordinary mouse. it talks."
Bartender says "Oh yea, what about?"
Man says, "See that woman at the end of the bar, the mouse will tell me what color panties she has on."
Bartender says, "Really? I gotta see this."
The man points to a woman says to mouse, "Mouse: woman!"
Mouse runs down sees woman's panties from the floor and comes back and says "Pink."
"Wow, bartender says. will he do that for me?"
Man says "Sure."
Bartender sees a woman sitting at a table, points to her, says "Mouse: woman!"
Mouse runs out, comes tearing back, bounces off the bar into the bartender's pocket shaking like a leaf. Bartender says "What's wrong with you?"
Mouse says "I taught I taw a puddy tat!"

 

[secondjag]

Jill, a rather young miss [16 years old] attending St. Mary's Catholic Girls School, was sitting on the sidewalk, smoking a cigarette.

The local priest, walks by and gives her a glare.

"Jill! Smoking at such a young age! Aren't you ashamed?"

"What?" said Jill. "You got something better to do after sex?"

Jim paid $500 to a madam for a virgin whore.
He was sent to an upstairs room, where a fresh-faced 18-year-old expertly sucked him to the brink of coming, then quickly finished him off in her cunt.
The whole session lasted less than five minutes.
The john was not happy.
"They said I'm the first man you ever fucked," he complained.
The girl looked blankly at Jim. "You might be," she smiled helpfully. "Your face looks familiar."

 

[secondjag]

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds, and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!!"

Q: What's the difference between a boxer and a woman?
A: A boxer stands up to get knocked down and a woman lies down to get knocked up.

The father watched through the window as his young made a snowman with a little friend. Entertained by the sight, he went closer and heard the little boy say, "I've got an idea. To finish it off, I'll go to the kitchen and find a carrot." And his replied, "Make it two. The second can be his nose."

 

 

[secondjag]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little upset, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

 

Dear Diary

This, from my recent cruise:

MONDAY: What a wonderful cruise this is going to be! I felt singularly honored this evening. The Captain asked me to dine at his table.
TUESDAY: I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain.
WEDNESDAY: The Captain made proposals to me unbecoming an officer and gentleman.
THURSDAY: Tonight, the Captain threatened to sink the ship if do not give in to his indecent proposals!
FRIDAY: This afternoon I saved 1600 lives. Twice!

 

[secondjag]

A man stumbled into a bar and said to the bartender, “Wow, was I drunk last night.”
The Bartender said, “You sure were.”
The man then said, “I gotta tell you what happened. Walking home I found a woman tied to the train tracks. So, I took her home and we had sex.
First I was on top. Then she was on top, and for hours we had sex in every position you can think of. It was unbelievable.”
The bartender was amazed. “Sounds like you had a great time. What did she look like?”
The man thought a moment. “I really don’t know. I never found the head.”

There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.
The zebra was so excited, she got out of the lock up to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited.
"Hi! I'm a zebra what are you?"
"I'm a cow," said the cow.
"Right, what do you do?"
"I make milk for the farmer."
"Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it, "Hi, I'm a zebra what are you?"
"I'm a chicken," said the chicken.
"Oh, right, what do you do?"
"I make eggs for the farmer."
"Right - o, great, see ya round."
Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes.
She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra what are you."
"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.
"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"
"Take off your pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."

 

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals".
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be, sugar?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and a jackass to pay for it all."
The teacher fainted.

 

Many years ago I was acting as the system administrator for a test system in a large publicly held company.
Periodically I would receive a call from someone who had not accessed the system recently, forgot their password and locked themselves out trying to logon. I would look up their password and unlock the system for them and they would go on their merry way.
One day I received a call from a young lady who was in just such a predicament. I looked up her password and informed her that it was 'DOME' and, just to be playful, told her the price for me being gracious enough to unlock her sign-on was an explanation of the meaning of her password.

She became very embarrassed over the phone and pleaded that she could never reveal her secret. I of course replied that I would not give her system access until she did. After negotiating for several minutes, she finally acquiesced, but made me promise to never reveal her password meaning to any of her colleagues to which I gladly agreed.
"Well, what does it mean?", I asked.
She hesitated and then replied, "It's two words."
There was pregnant pause. I unlocked her system and simply said, "Have a nice day."

Last year a young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism.
His very first assignment, for the newspaper who hired him, was to write a human interest story.
He decided to go into the Ozark Mountains to do his research.
He found an old farmer's house in an isolated section and introduced himself to the man.
He then asked him, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"
The old farmer thought for a moment and said, "Yep, one time a neighbor's sheep got lost. We all formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it and took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young reporter exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?"
"Yep, one time a neighbor's got lost. We all formed a posse & found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
"Hell, I can't print that either!" cried the frustrated reporter. "Has anything ever happened that made you sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head and sit quietly for a few seconds.
Then he timidly replied, "Yep, I got lost once."

 

[Peter C]

[secondjag]

Two old ladies visiting a museum, get separated during their tour.
When they finally catch-up with each other, the first old lady says, "Gertrude, did you see the statue of that naked man back there?"

Gertrude replies, "Yes, I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing, especially with his private parts being so large!"

"I know," says her friend, "And cold, too!"

Two little old ladies were sitting on the porch at the old folks home. One turned to the other and asked, "Martha, you were married a long time. Did you and your husband have mutual orgasm?" The other little old lady sat and rocked for a minute and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

What's the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker?
One’s a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker!

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date.
The guy said, "It's simple. I just say that I'm a lawyer."
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, "Oh! You're a lawyer?"
He said, "Why, yes I am!"
So, they went to his place. When they were in bed having sex, the guy started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"

 

[secondjag]

LAWYER: "On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?"
WITNESS: "I did."
LAWYER: "And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duckpond?"
WITNESS: "I did."
LAWYER: "And did you observe anything?"
WITNESS: "I did." (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: "Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?"
WITNESS: "I saw George."
LAWYER: " You saw George *******, the defendant in this case? "
WITNESS: "Yes."
LAWYER: "Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?"
WITNESS: "Yes." (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: "Well, would you kindly do so?"
WITNESS: " He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks."
LAWYER: "His 'thing?'"
WITNESS: "You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis."
LAWYER: "You passed close by the duckpond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?"
WITNESS: "Yes."
LAWYER: "Did you say anything to him?"
WITNESS: "Of course, I did!"
LAWYER: "What did you say to him?"
WITNESS: "Morning, George."

 

An Aussie went into an empty bar in New Zealand and ordered a beer.

As he was walking around, he saw a table about 6' x 4' with some lines marked 6"- 10" from one edge. Next to each line there are initials.
The man asked the bartender, "What are all those marks on that table?"
"It's a game the locals play, they pull out their dicks, stretch them a far as they can and mark a line."

Our Aussie ‘hero’ was hung like a horse and reckoned he can beat all the lines he'd seen and asked if he could have a go. "Sure," was the reply.
As he pulled out his dick, a clear winner by about 3". He started to mark his line down when the bartender said, "No mate, us Kiwis start from the other side!"

Finally, some definitions of Marketing that make sense:
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her, and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.

 

[secondjag]

Two nuns decide to sneak out of the convent and have a real night on the town. They hit all the bars and dance clubs, and then decide, that they finally got to head back to the convent.
To enter the convent's grounds they have to crawl under some barbed wire. The nuns start crawling under the wire on their bellies. As they're crawling under the wire, the first nun turns to the second and whispers, "I feel like a marine."
The second replies, "Yeah, me too, but where can you find one this time of night?"

 

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

Billy-Joe and Betty-Sue get married, and Billy-Joe whisks her away to his daddy's hunting cabin in the woods, for a romantic 'nature honeymoon'.
He carries her across the threshold, and they get into bed, when Betty-Sue whispers in his ear "Billy-Joe, be gentle, I ain’t never been with a man b'fore."
"WHAT???" shouts Billy-Joe, and his little bride softly shakes her head.
Billy-Joe jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes, and races out the door, into his truck …  down the mountain.... straight to his parents house... rushes inside screaming "Hey Daddy!, Paw! Git'up!" ....
His father rushes downstairs and gasps... "Billy-Joe, what'r you doin here?
"Billy-Joe, still breathing hard from his mad flight, gasps "Well, Betty-Sue an I was in the cabin, and she toll' me she ain't never been with a man' afore.... so's I rushed outta there, an' lit back here... quick as I could! "
His father grasps Billy-Joe's shoulder in reassurance, and says "SON, Ya done the right thing. Iffin she ain't good'nuff fer her family, she shure as shit ain't good'nuff fer ours!!"

 

 

[secondjag]

A little farm boy comes in late for school.
The teacher asks why he's late.
The farm boy replies, "I had to take the family cow over to the neighbour's to get her bred by a bull."
Annoyed, teacher demands, "Can't your father do that?"
Little farm boy thinks for a moment: replies, "Well, sure... but the bull can do it better."

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies "In Jenny's room.  It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable; Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live?  You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance.  Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this.
He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well, Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you.
What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little sucker is adorable.

 

[secondjag]

Ma and Pa Kettle were sitting on the front porch rocking away listening to Reverend Ike on the radio. The Reverend said, "Place your left hand on the part of your body you want healed, raise your right hand in the air and say, 'I Believe, I Believe!' and you shall be healed."
Well, Ma placed her left hand inside her blouse over her tired, old heart and lungs, and raised her right hand in the air and shouted, "I Believe, I Believe!"
Meanwhile, Pa just looked at her like she was some kind of lunatic. Then, Ma started breathing nice and easy, without her old wheeze, and she started rocking twice as fast as before. A wonderful color came back into her cheeks.
Pa shrugged his shoulders, and figured what the heck. So, he shoved his left hand down the front of his pants. Then, he started to raise his right hand in the air, when Ma said, "Pa, the Reverend said, 'Heal,' not raise the dead."

With the circus in town, a local man is very excited to see the magic show and rushes down to the big-top. He reaches the gates just as the circus is closing for the day but manages to buy a ticket and hurriedly runs into the tent. "Where's the magic show?", he breathlessly asks one employee.  
The lady replies that she just saw the magician in the back packing up his bags for the day and without wasting a minute, the man rushes back to see the show. He races into the room only to find the magician ready to leave.  
"I'm here for the magic show", the guy tells the magician.  
"Sorry pal, come back tomorrow I'm going home." replies The Amazing Jonas.  
"Look", says the man, "I just paid good money to come in and see a magic show and that's what I expect!"  
Visually annoyed, the magician tells him, "Buddy, I've been here all day and I'd like to go home and see my wife and kids."  
With that, the customer becomes even more irate, and DEMANDS that he be shown at least one magic trick.  
"Okay, you want to see a magic trick?!", Jonas asks. "Pull down your pants."  
The man looks skeptical but does as he's told.  
"Now bend over and grab your ankles." As he does Jonas walks behind him and the man flinches. "There," asks the magician. "Can you feel my finger in your ass?"  
The man winces and replies, "Yeah."  
The magician holds both of his hands over the guy's back, wiggles his fingers in front of his face and shouts, "Ta-Dah."  

 

[secondjag]

Three young neighborhood women, having coffee, were discussing their husbands.
One said, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"
The second says, " Well, you’re not alone, cuz I'm sure my husband is cheating on me also. Last month I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of tiny holes with my sewing needle and put it back in his wallet!"
The third woman fainted!

 

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

After a good bit has been said and done, the husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"What are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

A cop stops his patrol car when he sees a couple acting strangely sitting on the curb.
The guy is laying on his side with his pants pulled down, the girl has her finger in his ass-hole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.
The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"
The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pouring down the booze.
Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."
The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."
She says, "Yeah? Wait till I put this finger in his mouth."

 

[secondjag]

A little 8-year-old boy wanted to be circumcised when he realized he looked different than dad and his friends.
The day after the procedure he returned to school.

During class, he became uncomfortable and asked for permission to go to the nurse.

When he arrived at her office, he hesitated and finally just asked if he could call his mother. Sensing this was personal, the nurse stepped into the hall and closed the door to allow him privacy.
Several minutes later the little boy came out of her office and the nurse noticed his penis was sticking out of his pants.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"Back to class," said the boy.
"But you can't go back like that!" exclaimed the nurse.
"I have to," stressed the boy. "My mother said that if I could just stick it out until lunchtime, she would come and pick me up."

 

[secondjag]

Mommy sighs, knowing this day would come so she sits her down for a long talk about ‘the birds and the bees’.
After Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies, the little girl is now silent for a while.
"You understand it now?" Mommy asks.
"Yes," replies her .
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens, how does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow," the girl exclaims, "my daddy will fuck ANYTHING!"

Scene: The finish line of the famous Venice Canal swim race. A newspaper reporter is interviewing Pierre, who was favored to win the race.
Reporter: "Pierre, you were favored to win today's Venice Canal race by a 1/4 mile; this wasn't even supposed to challenge you.  Why then did you finish dead last, shocking your fans?"
Pierre: "Well, at the start I was in the lead, and taking it easy, knowing there was no one in reach of me. As I passed under the first bridge, Suzzette was standing on top of it, rubbing her hips, and looking very sexy. She was calling to me, saying, 'Pierre, I am yours when you finish the race.'"
"This started to get me excited, my swim suit was getting uncomfortable. The next bridge I passed under, the beautiful Rosa was standing on the bridge. She had her shirt off, and was fondling her large breasts, saying, 'these are for you when you finish the race, Pierre.'"
"I was now dragging in the mud. The other swimmers were now in sight, but I swam on."
"The third bridge I passed under, the naked Bridget was standing on it. She was rubbing her body, and calling to me, saying, 'I am yours when you finish the race Pierre, I want you so bad.' This was it, I was now stuck in the mud, all the other swimmers passed me, and I was sad to let down my fans. I didn't know what to do."
Reporter: "But Pierre, why didn't you try the backstroke?"
Pierre: "Ah, but what of the bridges?"

 

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.
While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.
The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold.

 

[secondjag]

One day, when Little Freddie was about 6 years old, he and his father went to look at some puppies. When he came home, he ran up to his mom and informed her that there were four puppies. Three were boys and one was a girl.
His mother was impressed and asked Little Freddie how he knew this.
"Well," says Little Freddie, "the girl was brown colored, but all the boys were black."
"Yes, dear, but how did the colour tell you if they were male or female?" asked his mother.
Exasperated, Little Freddie retorted, "The colour doesn't tell you, silly, the black ones all had cocks."

After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," answered the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and shivering. And then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."
When the doctor examined the man's elderly wife a short time later, he asked, "Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns, leading the doctor to ask, "Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and shivering after having sex with you the first time and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?"
"I think I do know why," the wife explained. "It's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August."

Three friends, two straight guys and a gay guy, and their significant others, were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship. They all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.
First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."
Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"
The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."

An attractive woman turned to the man in the business suit behind her in the elevator. "Excuse me," she asked, "but aren't you Little Johnny?"
The man cleared his throat, "Yes, as a matter of fact, I am."
"Oh," she gushed, "I've always wanted to meet you, Little Johnny. And now that we're together," she continued throatily, "I'll tell you what I'd like to do; I'm inviting you back to my room, where I'll kneel in front of you and pull out your cock and suck it till you have a giant hard-on and suck it some more until you come all over my face..."
"I don't know," said Little Johnny, thinking it over. "What's in it for me?

Little Red Riding Hood was talking through the woods on her way to visit her grandmother, when suddenly a wolf jumped out from behind a tree. "Ah-ha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you.  And I'm going to eat you!" "Eat!  Eat!  Eat!" Little Red Riding Hood said angrily. "Damn it! Doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"

One day, during 6^th grade English class, Miss Figpot asked her class, "who can tell me the meaning of ‘indifferent’?"
The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another. No one knows. Finally, Little Johnny sticks up his hand.
The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of his propensity for foul language and sexual inuendo, looks for another student to ask. Finally, when no one else raises their hand, she says, "yes, Johnny?"
"Miss Figpot, it's means lovely."
Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Johnny, can you explain why you think indifferent means lovely?"
"Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard Mom say, 'that's lovely'. Dad replied to her, 'Yep, it's in different.'"

 

One day, a class of third graders from the city was taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm.

So, the farmer asks one little girl, "What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?"
"The hen lays eggs." replied the little girl. "Very good!" said the farmer.

Then the farmer asked another little girl, "What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?"
"Well," replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day."
"Very good!" exclaimed the farmer. Then he asks little Johnny, "Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?"
"Yes, I do" replied little Johnny from the city. "Bulls smile when you milk them."