Umm

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

 

The young hooker reports for her first day at the brothel.
The madam says to her, " Do you have any questions?"
The hooker replies, " Yes, I was wondering how long penises should be sucked?"
The madam says," The same as the short ones."

There was this young fellow from Yale,
Whose face was exceedingly pale.
He spent his vacation,
In self-masturbation,
Because of the high price of tail.

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed. So, we're just waiting."

 

Shortly after a new police commissioner took office, the local house of pleasure was raided and the girls were lined up outside for questioning by the police.
A little old lady chanced to walk by and, noticing the commotion, asked what was happening.
As a joke, one of the chicks told her they were standing in line for free lollipops.
A few minutes later, a cop approached the elderly woman and asked, "Aren't you a bit old for this?"
"Officer," she cackled, "as long as they keep making them, I'll keep sucking them."

There was the guy who loved nothing better than to sit at nearby bar for long evenings and get stoned with his cronies.
But his wife was a social climber, and was prone to having her "ladies" in for bridge etc.
This one night she didn't want him to be around embarrassing her, so she told him to stay out as late as he wished, just don't come in and make another scene.
Well, he came in the back door a little early, as she was preparing tea and some delicate little sandwiches, and was infuriated at his early return home.
"You keep your mouth shut, and go upstairs to bed" she told him.
"Oh, relax," says he, "I'll just take a cup of coffee, say good evening to the ladies, and I'll be gone."
"Just keep your mouth shut," said she again.
Well, when she finally went back into the living room, all the ladies were gone, and he sat there alone.
She 'flipped' and told him she was going to divorce him and take everything he had, but he said, "wait a minute, you have to hear my side of the story."
"I came in here , sat down, and said good evening to the ladies, and they carried on.
One lady said she was having trouble with mice in her house, and another lady suggested she stuff their holes with steel wool, and all I said was, who is going to hold their little legs while you do it?

 

 

 

 

 

[secondjag]

There are a blonde, brunette, and a redhead at a maternity ward.
The redhead says she's having a girl because when she had sex she was on top.
The brunette says she's having a boy because the guy was on top.
The brunette and redhead both notice the blonde starting to cry.
They asked her what was wrong and she said, "I'm having puppies."

 

An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?" "Sure," a teenage boy replied. "Your tits."

 Why is a woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat?
They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.

There Are four kinds of sex:
    HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every

    room.
   BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the

    bedroom.
    HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other

    in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
    COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in

    front of many people for every penny you've got.

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!" 

 

 

[Peter C]

Becky complained in bed last night about me groping about in the dark trying to find the hole. "Why don't you put your phone on charge when you first get home from work?", she said...

[secondjag]

After the Sunday game, Norman figured he better spend some quality time with his wife.

He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed.
"Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run."
"How about Foreplay?" his wife replies.
"What's the Four Play?" says Todd.
"You know," the wife says, "It happens before the two-minute warning."

How do you make your husband scream during sex?

Call him and let him hear it.

Jill was a knockout, but alas, she also was virtually brainless.
Fortunately, this was no drawback as far as John's plans for the evening were concerned. He was delighted when she agreed to come up to his apartment for a night cap.
As he prepared the drinks, full of anticipation, Jill explored the apartment, stopping now and then to examine a painting or a book title, she didn't quite understand. Finally, she stopped dead in front of his fireplace.
"What on Earth is that?" she asked pointing to a carved wooden object lying on the mantel.
"Oh, that. It's African," he replied. "They use them in their fertility rites. It's a phallic symbol."
"Oh, I see." stated Jill demurely. "I'd hate to tell you what it looks like!"

There are two sperm and they're swimming and swimming and swimming for what seems like forever. They're starting to get tired and one sperm says to the other, "Do you think we should pull over and ask for directions?"
The other sperm replies, "Naaaahhhhh, we can find it."
So, they keep swimming. Finally, they see another sperm, who's almost dead, and decide to stop and ask for directions. They ask, "Do you think you can help us get to where we are going?"
The almost dead sperm says, "I'll try, where ya going?"
The two sperms reply, "Well, we're trying to find the fallopian tubes so that we can try and fertilize the egg."
The almost dead sperm just starts laughing. The other two sperms look at one another, somewhat confused, and ask, "What's so funny?"
The almost dead sperm finally regains his composure and replies, "Well, you guys have a long way to go...... you're still in the esophagus."

 

 

[Peter C]

You'd have liked my wife Debbie then. Several guys had the pleasure!

[secondjag]

45 minutes ago, Peter C said:

You'd have liked my wife Debbie then. Several guys had the pleasure!

Yeah, except I'd have never let her disrespect you that way Peter.  Besides, I fuck 'em, I don't marry "em.

[Peter C]

22 hours ago, secondjag said:

Yeah, except I'd have never let her disrespect you that way Peter.  Besides, I fuck 'em, I don't marry "em.

I would have loved you to have fucked her Jag. I managed to get her alone awhile back, but she was reluctant to talk about the old days. She still denied that she'd had black cock, but two of her friends have told me at different times that she did. Will only admit to having her tongue in a married black guy's mouth whilst she let his hand explore up her short skirt whilst out with the girls one night.

Hopefully, if and when Becky finally agrees to go out on a date with one of the black guys she loves chatting to online, she'll be a bit more willing to tell me how it goes.

[secondjag]

 

I asked this girl to go to a movie with me, and she said, "No, I won't go to the movie with you, because I know what you will do! You will unbutton my blouse with one hand, and have your other hand on my leg!" 
I said "I wouldn't dare do that! Why people behind me could see us!" 
She says, "That's right, so could we get there early and get seats in the back row?" 

 

This young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team manages to sneak his new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into his room at the Olympic Village.
Once she's inside, he quickly switches out all the lights and they rapidly disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement.
After about twenty minutes of wild sex they both collapse back on the bed in exhaustion.
The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in the dim light.
His beautifully-developed muscles, tanned skin and smooth-shaven scalp glisten with little beads of sweat as he lays beside her.
She's really pleased to have met this guy.
At this point the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed.
He fumbles the lid off a bottle on the bedside table, pours himself a small shot in a glass and drinks it down in one gulp.
Then he stands bolt upright, takes a deep breath and, in a surprisingly energetic motion, dives under the bed, climbing out the other side and beating his chest like a gorilla.
Then he vaults back on top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat performance.
The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second encounter.
Somehow the Aussie has completely recovered from his previous exhaustion!
After nearly half an hour of wild activity in every possible position, the gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows another shot of the mysterious liquid.
Once more he dives under the bed, emerges on the other side, beats his chest and commences to make love all over AGAIN.
The girl is just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the same blistering pace as before. In the darkness, she can't properly see what kind of tonic is causing these incredible transformations, but she sure likes the effect!
More than an hour later, after another repeat of the strange drinking ritual on his part, and a whole string of ecstatic multiple orgasms on her part, the Danish girl is now feeling rather faint herself.
"Just a minute, big boy," she whispers to the panting bald-headed Aussie, "I think I need to try some of your tonic!"
She rises unsteadily and pours a small shot of the liquid.
She braces herself for some sort of medicinal effect, but actually it just tastes like Coca-Cola.
Then she stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives under the bed -- only to smash straight into the three other exhausted members of the Australian relay team.

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. 
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of ill-repute, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." 
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." 
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad." 
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. 
Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

 

 

 

[secondjag]

The waitress was tired of this one man always hitting on her, so she came up with a plan.  "I'll tell you what, Lover. I'll have sex with you on two conditions. First, it'll cost you 50 bucks. Second, you have to guarantee me that bells will ring and lights will flash." He smiled, handed her $50 and led her over to the pinball machine. 

Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!
Father: Really, what?
Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

There was a young woman named Maud,
Who found herself now and then floored, 
Or bedded, or chaired,
Or top of the staired. 
Oh, well, it's the life of a broad.

 There was a young stud from Missouri
Who fucked with astonishing fury
'Til taken to court!"
For his vigorous sport,
And condemned by a poorly-hung jury.

A young man in a Corvette yelled at Susie and her friend, "Hey, Susie! How ya doin'?"
Susie yelled back, "Hi, Sixty-Four! Doing great. See you later."
Susie's friend thought Sixty-Four was an odd name and commented so.
Susie explained, "That's because he has six inches, but he's good for four times a night."
Later, a guy in a BMW yelled out and Susie yelled back, "Hey, Seventy-Two! How are things?"
"Seventy-Two?” asked her friend.
Susie explained, "He has seven inches, but he's only good for twice a night."
Then a guy rode past on a bicycle and gave Susie gave a shout.
She replied, "Hey, Johnny Walker! How's it going?"
When he was out of sight, Susie's friend said, "Wait a minute. I know him. His name isn't Johnny Walker. Johnny Walker is a liquor."
Susie replied, "So, you've broken my code already!"

Three explorers were in the deepest darkest jungles of Africa, and were captured by a pigmy tribe. 
The tribe brings them before the chief, who declares that the explorers were tracking across secret hunting grounds, and the penalty was death.
One explorer asks the chief if they are to die, could they choose the way they wanted to go.  After much consideration, the chief agreed.
The first explorer loved to eat, and wanted to eat himself to death.  The tribe puts him in a hut with 10,000 lbs of food, and two guards outside the door to make sure he doesn't escape.
The second explorer loved to drink, and wanted to drink himself to death. 
Again, the tribe puts him in a hut with 10,000 gals of booze, and two guards outside the door to make sure he doesn't escape.
The third explored loved to screw women.  This took a little time, as the tribe had to construct a large hut and collect 10,000 naked women. 
They finally got it all together, placed the explorer in the hut with 10,000 naked women, and two guards outside the hut to make sure he didn't escape.
Time rolled by, and about 3 months later the chief remembered that he had to see how the punishment of the three explorers turned out. 
He went to the first hut, and found the man had ate so much, he exploded.  He had the two guards clean up the mess and dismissed them.
In the second hut, the explorer drank so much, he puked his guts out.  The chief had the two guards clean up the mess, and dismissed them.
You'd never guess what the chief found in the third hut...
10,000 pregnant women, two guards outside the door with red asses, and the explorer jacking off in the corner!

 

 

[Peter C]

My neighbor was surprised to learn that having a vasectomy didn't actually prevent his wife falling pregnant. It merely changed the color of their baby...

[secondjag]

Chandler wasn't too happy with his doctor's recommendation to cure his constant fatigue.
"You want me to give up sex completely, Doc?" he cried. "I'm a young guy. I'm in the prime of my life. How do you expect me to give up sex and go cold turkey?"
"Well," replied the doctor, "you could get married and taper off gradually."

 

My new girlfriend and I were traveling to meet my parents, when she got a flat tire.

So, I called my parents and said, “Sorry mom, we’re going to be late.  My girlfriend’s got a puncture!” “Oh!” she sighed, “I thought you had a real one this time!”

Why do Jewish girls have gold diaphragms?
So they can tell their fathers that their boyfriends are cumming into money!

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!"
He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have!"
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"

 

 

[secondjag]

The climax, when Josie engages,
Is postponed for what seems to be ages.
Out of self-preservation
And to banish frustration
She has three or four fellows – in stages.

A little boy and girl are sitting in a sandbox. They both stood up decided to remove all the sand from their pants. After taking their pants fell off, they asked each other, "what's that?" pointing to their private parts.
So they ran home and the little boy asked his father what it was and dad answered, "That's your truck, try to park it in as many garages as you can."
The little girl asked her mother the same question and she said, "That's your garage, and don't let any boy park his truck there."
So the next day the little girl comes running home yelling, "Mommy, mommy a boy tried to park his truck in my garage so I knocked his friggin' wheels off."

This German tourist was on a bus tour of Castilla during the summer that had a stop at this old convent. The tour wasn't that interesting, and he managed to stay behind and start wandering.
Feeling the urge, he stopped to pee on the outside wall of the chapel. While he was doing his business, the Mother Superior surprised him. "OH! I am sooooo sorry!"
"No," she replied. "Actually, I've never seen a man's...You know. Could I take a look?"
A nun asking to see his works freaked out the tourist but it was kinda kinky in a way, so he figured, what the hell. The nun looked at it for a bit and as he was about to put it away she said, "You know, I always wanted to touch it. Would you mind...?"
"This is really weird, but, sure." The tourist was getting really excited. Who could say that a nun had tossed you off?
"Could you take it all out so that I can get a complete experience?" the nun requested.
The tourist, sure that he was about to get laid, willingly took down his pants.
The nun began fondling his testicles and suddenly straightened, and said, "Don't (SQUEEZE) piss (SQUEEZE) on the (SQUEEZE) church (SQUEEZE) walls!!!"

Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other.
The first mouse says, "You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us?
I love those things. I eat 'em like candy."
The second mouse, not to be outdone says, "Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us?
What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with it."
The third mouse says, "You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I'd love to keep hanging out with you here, but I gotta go fuck the cat."

 

 

[cucksean]

On 9/9/2023 at 10:07 AM, secondjag said:

There are a blonde, brunette, and a redhead at a maternity ward.
The redhead says she's having a girl because when she had sex she was on top.
The brunette says she's having a boy because the guy was on top.
The brunette and redhead both notice the blonde starting to cry.
They asked her what was wrong and she said, "I'm having puppies."

 

An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?" "Sure," a teenage boy replied. "Your tits."

 Why is a woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat?
They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.

There Are four kinds of sex:
    HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every

    room.
   BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the

    bedroom.
    HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other

    in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
    COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in

    front of many people for every penny you've got.

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!" 

 

 

Jag you are so awesome

[secondjag]

6 minutes ago, cucksean said:

Jag you are so awesome

Naw Buddy, lol, just a working class hero.  Kidding, thanks.  Much appreciated.

[secondjag]

Anne's fine figure had been poured into a beautiful form-fitting gown, and she made a point of calling her date's attention to it over and over again throughout the evening.
Finally, over a nightcap in his apartment he said, "You've been talking about that dress all evening long. You called my attention to it first when we met for cocktails, mentioned it again at dinner, and still again at the theater.

Now that we're here alone in my apartment, what do you say we drop the subject?"

A blonde girl sat sobbing in the police station. "I……, I was raped by an Irishman," she wailed. "How do you know it was an Irishman?" the officer asked. "I had to help him," the girl replied.

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said, "The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

 

 

 

[secondjag]

A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for Rosh Hashanah.
The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is this the holiday when you light the candles?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Hannukah."
The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, "Is that when you eat unleavened bread?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Passover.  Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the shofar."
The Catholic girl replies, "That's what I like about you Jewish people, you're so good to your help."

There was a young girl named Sapphire,
Who succumbed to her lover's desire,
She said: "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"

The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church.
When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice.
"Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"
"Why reverend," the young woman replied, "all of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts."
"Hmm. Well let me check," said the reverend, placing his head between her tits. After several minutes, he raised his head and said, "I don't hear any angels singing!"
"Of course not, Reverend," she said. "You're not plugged in yet."

Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's.
The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.
So one day they are all out in the backyard putting clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"
"Well," says Sophie, " when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash.
 If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."
"What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.
"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry!"

A young couple got married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.

Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. 
He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.  When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

Tom in deep thoughts is sitting calm, very quiet.
Jerry asks, "What is wrong with you, Tom?"
"Please don't ask."
"I am your childhood friend. Talk to me."
"My seven-year old son made my secretary pregnant."
"That's not possible."
"No, he did."
"How's that possible?"
"He punctured my condoms!"

 

 

 

 

[secondjag]

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are in Heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, 'Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'
She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.' St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question; 'Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?' The girl is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well, once I fondled and stroked one.' St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls.. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, 'Reeva, What seems to be the rush?'
The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it!'

 

 

 

[secondjag]

The man lay naked on the grass in a secluded part of the park, a dazed but oddly happy expression on his face.

"What happened?" asked the cop.
"I was -uh- minding my own business," mumbled the man, "when a gang of teenage girls came along and jumped me and -uh,well- tore off my clothes. And then... "
"And then what?"
"And then all heaven broke loose!"

What did the leper say to the hooker after she gave him a blow job?
Keep the tip.

A Man shouts to his wife, "Come here and look at my clock" She walks in to find him naked with a hard on. She says that's not a clock. He says it will be when you put two hands and a face on it.

 As we age, our priorities change. The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes." Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So, I tied her up and went to play golf.

This trucker had been driving his eighteen-wheeler for hours, and he was hot and tired. So, he stopped at his favorite brothel he'd patronize for years.
Mabel answers the door and says "Hey there Ed.  What can I do for you."
Ed replies, "You know I've been trading here for twenty years and this time I'd like something different."
"Well" says Mabel, "we got Annie, Betty and Lucy - she takes it up the 'attic'".
"Hell no, I want something different" says Ed.
Mabel says, "Oh, I'll send Hurricane Jessie.  She's new.  Now you go on to your room."
Ed goes to his room and gets all prepared.  Soon this big Amazon of a gal comes in and she's puffing and a blowing.  She straddles old Ed and starts swinging back and forth, her big boobs just knocking hell outa his head.
He cried, "What in hell's going on?"
"I'm Hurricane Jessie and that's the coconuts falling off the coconut trees".
Pretty soon she starts pissing all over him and says this is the monsoon rains that come with the hurricane.
Ed jumps off the bed and Hurricane Jessie says, "What's wrong honey, don't you like it?"
He said, "I'm leaving.  Who in hell could fuck in this kind of weather?!"

 

 

 

[secondjag]

Two college coeds were having a beer.
One said to the other, "Mandy was so excited when she found out she was pregnant.
She called me late one night after my boyfriend and I had already gone to bed."
What on earth did she want?" her friend asked.
"Oh... She just said, "I can't believe I have a person inside me!"
I said, "So do I. Could I call ya back in an hour or so?"

"It's my code," says a mailman named Drew,
"To unzip, then deliver a screw.
If virgins, when nervous,
Resist postal service,
I explain that the male must get through."

 

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked a girl from Sweden to dance.
While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug."
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug, too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss."

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich."
She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

 

 

[secondjag]

O'Casey had dated many a lass, but he finally became entranced with Maureen O'Riley.

He wooed her and pursued her, but she would not give in and go to bed with him. 

Finally, he proposed marriage and she accepted. 

On their wedding night, as they undressed in their honeymoon cottage, O'Casey said, "You know, Maureen, I never would have wed you if you had gone to bed with me like all the other girls did." 

"Experience is the best teacher," Maureen said. "That's how I lost all of my other suitors." 

 

 

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"

 

 

 

[secondjag]

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon "quickie." 
"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk." 
As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!" 
"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." 
After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. 
"That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!" 

There was a young man with a fiddle
Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?"
She replied, "Yes, I do,
But prefer to with two --
It's twice as much fun in the middle."

There was a Young Man of Thyme
Who Had three wives at a time
When asked why he did it
He said "One's an idiot
And bigamy, sir, is a crime'

A young stud undergoing his first testosterone attack picks up a young lady and after a while drives to a secluded place a mile from the nearest phone. After some preliminaries he says "Put out or walk."

The gal says "well, put that way, I'll walk." She gets out of the car and walks back to town.
The next evening the same young stud picks up the same pretty young gal and ends up with the same proposition only this time three miles from town. Same results. She says "I'll walk." And she does.
The following evening same scenario except the young man drives five miles from town and it is raining. She doesn't even hesitate. She removes her clothing, his clothing, and proceeds to give him the wildest night of sex he could wish for.

Later he asks her why she refused him the last two nights when obviously she was not new to the sex game.

She answered. "I kind of like you. I was willing to walk one mile. I was willing to walk three miles. But I'll be damned if I'll walk five miles in the rain to keep you from catching gonorrhea."

Two female co-workers are having a conversation at work: Did you have good sex last night?
No. It was a disaster... Husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in 4 minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in 2 minutes. How about you?
Oh it was amazing...  My husband came home. He took me out to a romantic dinner.
After dinner we took a walk for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay.
After foreplay we had an hour long fantastic sex and after sex we talked for an hour. It was like in a fairytale.
At the same time their husbands are talking at work: Did you have good sex last night?
Yes, it was great! I came home dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep.  What about you?
It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I didn't pay the bill.
In return I had to take my wife out to dinner and the dinner was so expensive that we didn't have money for a cab so we had to walk home, taking an hour. 
I was so angry when we came home that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't cum for another hour.
After I finally did, I was so mad and aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep for another hour.

 

 

[secondjag]

All eyes turned to stare as a gorgeous redhead walked into the costume party stark naked.
The alarmed host rushed to intercept her.
"Where's your costume?" he hissed through clenched teeth.
"This is it," she calmly explained. "I came as Adam."
"Adam?" her host exploded. "You don't even have a dick!"
"I just got here," she replied. "Give me a few minutes!"

There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
"I've now rammed it in!"
She said, "You mean that isn't your finger?"

Two farmers, farmer Bob and farmer Dan, are having beers in the local bar.
Farmer Bob is a younger man, somewhat new to the farming business.
Conversely, farmer Dan has been doing it for nearly 20 years and is the most successful man in town.
After a few hours of drinking, farmer Bob gets up and says, "I'm gonna go home to feed the beaver."
Farmer Dan asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"
Farmer Bob replies, "Well, my wife doesn't know about it, but I like to use names of chores on the farm for having sex."
A few months later, farmer Bob's tractor breaks down. He's so distraught, he decides to drown his sorrows at the local bar.
After sulking for a few hours, farmer Bob decides to return home.
To his surprise, he finds a brand new tractor in front of his house. He begins to jump for joy. He runs inside to look for his wife.
Farmer Bob says to his wife, "Honey, where did this great tractor come from?"
His wife replies, "Well, farmer Dan gave it to me. All I had to do was handle his eggs, and milk his udder!"

 

 

[secondjag]

Two men were in the pub discussing their latest sexual conquests.
The first man says he picked up this girl last week and they agreed to go back to his house and have sex.
Once in the house the girl stripped off her clothes, lay down on the bed with legs apart and panted, "I want you to give me twelve inches and make me bleed."
The second man not for one moment believed his friend was that well-hung, asked what he did.
"Well" he says, "What could I do -- I laid her twice and smacked her in the face!"

Two friends, one very wealthy and the other quite poor, were sitting in a bar late one night.
They were talking about different things when the poor man asked the rich man,
"So what did you end up giving you wife for her birthday, the Mercedes or the diamond ring?"
"I got her the Mercedes and the diamond ring," said the rich man.
The poor man, a bit puzzled, asked, "Why the hell did you get her both?"
The rich man replied, "I got her both so if she doesn't like the ring, she can drive her new car back to the jeweler's to exchange it.  So... What did YOU buy for YOUR wife?"
The poor man says, "I bought her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo."
Obviously confused, the rich man asked why he chose those items.
The poor man replied,
"Because if she doesn't like the flip-flops, she can go fuck herself!"

A young girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her.
Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off."
So off she went. After a little while at the party, boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her.
She asked him, "What will our baby be called?"
The boy found some excuse and disappeared.
Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders...
She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.
Later on, another boy invited her for a walk.
After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?"
He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off.
"What will our baby be called?" she asked once more.
He began to have sex with her.
"What will our baby be called?!" she asked again.
After he was done, he took off his 'full' condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... David Copperfield!"

 

 

 

[secondjag]

These three women were roommates.
One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time.
The blonde said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."
The brunette said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."
The redhead said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck.
She then said smugly, "Now THAT'S a good date!"

Two little boys are visiting their cousin in the country when they decide to go for a walk down the back roads. After about three miles they find a used rubber lying by the road.
"Hey," one of the dumbass city boys says, "look, a poor cow lost one of its titties!"
"Let's go give it to the farmer!" the other one says.
So, they work their way up to the farm house. They knock on the door and out comes the farmer.
"Hey, Mister, we found a cow titty. Ya want it back?"
The farmer, not in the mood for conducting a Sex-Ed seminar, said, "Sure, boys, here's a dollar for your trouble."
The boys hand over the rubber and head on back down the road.
After a little while one says to the other, "You know, lardass, we could have got more than a buck if you hadn't drank the goddam milk!"