Umm

[secondjag]

Two out of work bums decided that they would be better off in a more downtown location...so they hitched a ride.

The driver dropped them off in the city's red-light district.

A hooker approached one of the bums and said, "Hey guy...would you like a hand job?"

The bum shook his head and said, "errr...no its okay!"

A few minutes later another hooker approached the bums and said, "Hey guy...would you like a blow job?"

The bum again shook his head and said, "errr...no its okay!"

After the hooker left the bum turned to his buddy and said, "We'd better go back where we came from, we've only been here 10 minutes and we've been offered two jobs already!"

Two polish coal miners (Ernie & Rich) were down in the mine working. The noon whistle blew for lunch and Ernie pulled out a thermos of hot coffee. Rich looks at it and says, "Say, Ernie, vat you got dere?"
Ernie says, "Dis is a 2 quart termos bottle."
Rich says, "Ya, I have to get me one."
That night Rich goes home, but forgets what it is called. So, the next day they are down in the mine working again and the noon whistle blows for lunch and Ernie pulls out his thermos of hot coffee. Rich looks at it and says, "Say, Ernie, vat you got dere?"
Ernie says, "Dis is a 2 quart termos bottle."
Rich says, "Ya, I have to get me one."
That night Rich goes home, but forgets what it is called again. Well Rich really wants one of these things. So he decides the next day when he asks he's going to write it down so he remembers what it is.
The next day they are down in the mine working again and the noon whistle blows for lunch and Ernie pulls out his thermos of hot coffee. Rich looks at it and says, "Say, Ernie, vat you got dere?"
Well, by this time Ernie's getting pretty upset. Every day Rich asks what it is and never remembers so he decides to just make up stuff since Rich isn't going to remember anyway.
So Ernie says, "Dis is a contraceptive."
Rich says, "Ya, I have to get me one." And he writes it down. That night Rich is in the neighborhood drug store and the pharmacist sees him walking around and says to him, "Can I help you?"
Rich says, "Ya, I'd like a contraceptive."
And the pharmacist says, "Sure, what size?"
Rich says, "Give me da 2-quart size, I'll be working in da hole all day!"

 

 

[secondjag]

A forty-five-year-old woman confesses to her friend that she is still a virgin.
"How can that possibly be?" asks the friend. "You've already been married twice."
"True," says the woman. "My first husband was a gynecologist, and all he wanted to do was look at it. And my second husband was a psychiatrist, and all he wanted to do was talk about it. But now my fiancée is a lawyer, so I know that I'll get screwed!"

What men do after sex? 
Stats reveal that 2% eat; 3% smoke cigarettes; 4% take a shower; 5% go to sleep, and 86% get up and go back home to their wives. 

Two very nervous men got to talking in the doctor's waiting room.
They discovered they had similar symptoms: one had a red ring around the base of his penis and the other one had a green ring.
The fellow with the red ring was examined first.
In a few minutes he came out, all smiles, and said, "Don't worry, man, it's nothing."
Vastly relived, the second man went into the examining room, only to be told a few minutes later by the doctor, "I'm sorry, but you have an advanced case of VD. I'm afraid you'll have to be castrated."
Turning white, the young man gasped, "But the first guy... He said it was no big deal!"
"Well, you know," said the doctor, "there's a big difference between gangrene and lipstick."

 

[secondjag]

Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while too.

 

A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?"

"No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?"
"You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow, and feed the pigs first."
The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When finished, he kicks a chicken. Next, he walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig.
Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple.

Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk, and my sausage?"
"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage."
Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat.

The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"

 

[secondjag]

A golfer from Ireland hit a bad hook into the woods.

Looking for the ball, he discovered a Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his
head, and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer took his water bottle from his belt and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happen?" the leprechaun says. "Oh, I see ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes. Whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm glad you're okay, and I apologize. I didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by and the golfer is back, hits another bad ball into the woods and finds the leprechaun waiting for him.

"'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I wanted to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"That's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm a famous international golfer now," the golfer answers. "By the way, it sure is good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game. And tell me, how's yer money?"

"Why, I win fortunes in golf. But, if I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills all day long."

"I did that fer ye. And how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly,"Errr, all right, I suppose."

"C'mon, c'mon now. I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a day?"

Blushing even more, the golfer whispers, "Once...sometimes twice a week."

"What!" says the leprechaun in shock. "! That's all? Once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not too bad for a Catholic priest without a car in a small parish."

 

A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department, when a female punk rocker entered. The patient had purple hair, plus a variety of tattoos and strange clothing.
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, and she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the surgeons noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and just above it there was a tattoo which read, "Keep off the grass."
After the surgical procedure was completed, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

 

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

Two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was always after the girl to quit smoking.
One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."
She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."
He replied, "But they stunt your growth."
She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he had never. Smiling and shifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse then?"

There were these two 95-year old men sitting at the senior center one day when the one states, "I have to get right home!"
"What's your hurry?" asks the other.
"Me and the wife are having sex again today."
"Again? How often do you have sex?"
"Every day! I don't have time to talk, but I'll tell you what the secret is... Pumpernickel Bread." And he scurried off.
As the other old guy was walking home, he passed a bakery and wandered in. "Do you have any Pumpernickel Bread?" he asked the lady behind the counter.
"Yes, we have 3 shelves of Pumpernickel Bread."
"I'll take it all," the old man blurts out.
The lady was surprised and says, "All of it?! It'll get hard."
The old man replies, "WHY DOES EVERYONE KNOW ABOUT THIS BUT ME?"

 

Three boys were sitting on a fence talking. One of the little boys says to the other, "If you could have your body covered in anything, what would it be?"

After thinking for a while, the boy answers. "Silver"

"Well, why?"

"I could peel it off and buy that Honda over there"

The boy then asks the other, "And you?"

"Gold, I could peel it off and by the BMW sitting over there"

After a few seconds one of the boys ask the first boy, "Well, what about you?"

The boy thought and thought and finally, said very calmly, "Hair."

Well, the other two boys were just sickened and asked..."HAIR???? Why in the hell would you want your WHOLE BODY covered in HAIR???"

"Well," the boy answered, "My sister has got a little tiny patch of hair and she owns both of those cars!!!"

 

[secondjag]

Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a "Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit"... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint, and a shovel."

Mario asks, "So, what do I do with these things, doc?

The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.

If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen!" you hit her with the shovel.

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job." The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!" To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were approaching two tampons. Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said to the other, "Should we say hi to those 2 tampons? "The other pad responded, "Err... nah... they're stuck up cunts."

A mother and her very young son were flying Westjet Airlines from Ottawa to Calgary.

The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?'

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So, the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess.

The stewardess who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, 'Did your Mom tell you to ask me?'

The boy said, 'Yes, she did.'

'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Westjet always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you.’

[Peter C]

I'm so pleased that my Becky has finally agreed to pose naked for photographs. Here she is at the hospital last week.

[Peter C]

And this is me in the shower...

[Peter C]

I didn't know they could read, let alone drive!

[secondjag]

A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight.

Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man notices a gorgeous woman sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.
Lying to the hotel clerk, he says, "Fancy meeting my 'wife' here. I'll need a double room for the night."
The next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3,000.
"What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here for one night!"
"Yes," sniffs the clerk, "but your 'wife' has been here for three weeks!"

Three friends took their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas and they all had a great time.
A few days after they returned home, the men were sitting around talking about their trip.
"I don't think I'm ever going to do that again!" says the first guy. "Since we've been back, my wife flings her arms and hollers '7 come 11' all night long. I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
"I hear ya, buddy," the second guy replies. "My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there. Since we've been back, she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light, hit me hard'. I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"
"You guys think you have it bad!" exclaims the third guy. "My wife played the slots the entire time we were there. Every morning I wake up with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!"

A man was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible."
He replied that he felt great.
The man went to work where his boss took one look at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible."
The man replied that there was nothing wrong with him and that he felt great.
The man went to lunch with a client and the client looked at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible."
The man again replied that he felt great. The client suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked so bad.
The man went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into the examining room and saw him the doctor said, "My god, you look terrible."
The man explained that everyone was telling him that he looked terrible but that he felt great.
The doctor said, "Are you sure you feel great?" The man reiterated that he definitely felt great!
The doctor got out his medical book and looked up "looks terrible". After he found that he looked up the subsection "feels great".
The doctor said, "I found it right here under 'looks terrible, feels great'.
The man, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor, "Tell me, what is it?"
The doctor replied, "According to my book... you're a vagina!"

 

There was a young couple living in an old rundown house.

One day the man gets home from work and his wife says, "Honey, look at the walls. They haven't been painted as long as we have lived here. It's peeling and cracking; couldn't you please just paint them?"

"Who do I look like? Michelangelo?" the man replies.

"I guess not", says the wife.

The next day the man gets back from work again. Again his wife starts to complain. "Oh sugar, couldn't you just please at least repair the stairs? They're falling apart and they're really unsafe to walk up."

The man says, "Who do I look like? Frank Lloyd Wright?"

"Well, maybe not," says the wife.

The next week the man returns from his job. He walks into his house and is suddenly amazed. The stairs are fixed, the walls were painted and the house looked superb.

"Honey, how did you do this? It looks great!" he says.

"Well, I met up with a handyman down the street. He offered to repair our house if I either bake him a batch of brownies or sleep with him" says the wife.

"Well, honey, you baked the batch of brownies, right?"

The wife replies, "Who do I look like, Sara Lee?"

 

[secondjag]

got sent a ton.  feel free to be offended by the political ones; I thought they were funny (and true).  you are most welcome to put up funny opposing ones here.

 

[secondjag]

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.
He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my , I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.
She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.
He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear.
Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought.
"If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.
As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward, he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

 

[secondjag]

A man went to his doctor for a check-up.
Half way through, the doctor told him to take down his trousers.
The doctor stood back in surprise, as there was a squirrel in a chauffeur's uniform and little hat in the man's shorts.
"Did you know you have a squirrel dressed as a chauffeur in your pants?" asked the doctor.
"Yes," answered the man. "He's driving me nuts."

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house, a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick."
As they left, the younger doctor remarked, "You didn't even examine that woman!" and then asked, "How did you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"
"Ah! You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what has probably been making her sick."
The younger doctor replied, "Pretty clever! If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, both physicians spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, as she is very active in the church." Then he asked, "But how did you arrive at it?"
"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the pastor under the bed."

 

Little Johnny was visiting a friend of his in upstate New York during the winter.

He and his friend went outside to play in the snow.
After about an hour, his friend's mother called them back inside and had them remove their galoshes and gloves.
Little Johnny's friend's mom was a tall voluptuous, woman who would warm her son's hands by putting them between her thighs.
So as usual, when her son came in from playing in the snow, she asked if his hands were cold, to which he replied "yes".
She then put them together and stuck them between her warm thighs.
After a few minutes, she asked "are they warm yet?" and the little boy said "yes".
Little Johnny watched his friend and waited his turn.
His friend's mom then asked him if his hands were cold, to which he replied, "yes".
So she took his hands, put them together and stuck them between her thighs.
After a few minutes she asked if his hands were "warm yet" and he said "yes".

So she took them out.
Little Johnny continued to stand there with a sly grin on his face.
When the mom asked, "Well what is it now, Johnny? What's wrong?
Johnny looked up at her and replied, "My ears are cold, too!"

 

[secondjag]

A man is in a hotel lobby.

He wants to ask the clerk a question.

As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him, and 

as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both startled, and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

A sexy blonde walked into the doctor's waiting room and couldn't find an empty seat anywhere.

Finally, she walks over to one gentleman that was sitting down, and said, "I wonder if I might trouble you for your seat. You see; I'm pregnant."

The gentleman groaned, coming to his feet and offering the lady his seat.

As the young lady sat down, the man looked her over and said, "You know, if you hadn't told me, I never would have guessed you were pregnant. How far along are you?"

Looking at her watch, she replied, "Oh, about a half an hour!"

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

 The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

 The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

 The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and
 runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and
 hands the little boy another five dollars.

 The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

 The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

 

[Peter C]

[secondjag]

I recently hired a temp to fill in while my secretary was off for six months on maternity leave.
Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I asked her what she expected to earn.
The temp replied, "Well, the minimum I could possibly work for is four hundred a week."
I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure.
The temp shook her head and replied, "With 'pleasure,' it'll be $750 a week."

A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door. When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex.
Not amused, she slammed the door.
Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she slammed the door and screamed, "Get the hell away!"
Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case.
Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, "Yes!"
The man replied, "Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep the hell away from my wife!"

 

[secondjag]

She got married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But she remarried again, and this time had 5 more children.

Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord

for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

 

[secondjag]

Little Johnny and Little Susie were walking along a trail in the woods. Little Susie noticed that some of the animals were behaving oddly.

"Little Johnny, why is that rabbit on top that other one?" she asked.

Little Johnny stops to consider his answer, and replies, "They're making cigarettes."

"Cigarettes?" she says, as they continue walking along. Pretty soon they approach a couple of raccoons.

Little Susie asked, "Are they making cigarettes too?"

"Yea," says Little Johnny

Little Susie looks around and says, "it looks like all the animals are making cigarettes, why don't we make cigarettes?"

Little Johnny was quick to say, "OK!"

An hour or so later Little Johnny and Little Susie were walking out of the woods, when she asked, "Little Johnny, what kinda cigarettes did we make?"

Little Johnny stops to think about his answer, then replies, "Well if you get a hump in your belly it's a Camel, and if you don't it's a Lucky Strike."

 

[Peter C]

[secondjag]

Little Johnny was taking a bath one day, when his mother came in to use the bathroom.
Curiously, Johnny viewed his mother's anatomy while she was sitting down.
"Mommy,", Johnny asked, "what's that between your legs?"
His mother replied, "Why that's where your dad hit me with an axe."
"Came awfully fuckin' close to your cunt, didn't he?" he replied.

MUM: Didn't I tell you if a bot touches your breast say "DON'T."  And if he touches your pussy part say STOP.” 
GIRL: But mum, he touched both, so I told him DON'T STOP!!!!" 

A man goes to church to confess his sins. He said, “Hi, Father, my five-year old son is very naughty. He made all the female servants pregnant. The Priest said, incredulously, “No way! How did he do that?”  The man replied, “He took a pin and punched  holes in all my condoms.”

 

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"
"That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He needs a place to stay for the night, so I said he could sleep in the barn."
The said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So, she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty.
So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she, too, did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears.
"How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my !"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out, "I DIDLEDTHEOLADEETOO!"

Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not is something the majority of men would rather not question. This is in case they discovered that she has been faking it all along, and that they are not, in fact, the stud they thought women go wild for. Rather, they are a pathetic creature with a problem, who needs to be patronized.
For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but would still like to know, there is a simple checklist to help you.
1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she's been looking at. If she says, "Dammit, I was reading that!" she was faking.
2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune, or sound like a familiar song, she can't be concentrating enough on the "job at hand," and must therefore be faking it. Or else she really likes the song playing on her iPod.
3. A rule of thumb, which is usually very accurate, is: stop at random and record her response. If every time you stop she says, "Mmmmm, you were wonderful, baby," she is faking it. If she says, "Don't stop!" she isn't. However, if she says "Don't stop!" hours after lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the excitement.
Remember these guidelines for future reference.

 

[secondjag]

An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband "Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years."

"Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago, we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds."

"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?"

So, they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table.

"You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago."

"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

 

[secondjag]

A doctor and his wife were out walking, when a beautiful woman in a tight-fitting halter top and skirt nodded “hello” from a nearby doorway.
"And who was that?" questioned the wife.
"Oh, just a young woman I know professionally," said the doctor, reddening slightly.
"I see," said the wife. "Your profession or hers?

 

A graduate student in speech therapy had two days to cure her patients of their stutters.

She came to a therapy session in a revealing outfit and offered oral sex to anyone who could pronounce the name of the city in which they were born without stuttering.
The first man stood up and said, "Bo-Bo-Bo-Bo-Bo-Bo- Boston." Dejected, he shook his head and sat back down.
The next guy stood and said, "Ca-Ca-Ca-Ca-Ca-Ca-Cleveland." He slapped his thigh in frustration and sat back down.
The third guy stood and without hesitation said, "Miami."
The graduate student immediately fell to her knees and began performing the act on the man.

After finishing, she looked up and said, "What do you have to say now?"
He replied, "...Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Beach."

 

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"

She said that she did.
He asked, "Does it hurt you?"

She said that it didn't.
The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
The doctor replied, "Of course yes. Where do you think attorneys come from?"

Q: How do you give a blonde more headroom?
A: Adjust the steering wheel.

 

Sue was playing hard to get, so Greg played his last and biggest trump card. "I'll bet you I can keep my eye on my beer whilst I go out to my car," he challenged her.
Sue knew that this was impossible so she put down $10 and said, "You're on."
Greg took out a glass eye, placed it on the bar beside his glass, went out to his car, came back and claimed the bet.

"Tell you what, I'll give you a chance to win your money back", he said. I bet you $10 I can bite my own ear."
"No chance! You're on". said Sue.
He took out a set of false teeth and bit his ear lobe with them, and picked up the money once again he said. "

To show you I am a sport, I'll give you another chance, Double or nothing. I bet you I can poke my head through this hole", he said, holding up his hand and making a circle with his thumb and forefinger.
Sue checked the size of the hole several times and said, "OK, smartie! You're on."
He poked the forefinger of his other hand through the hole and touched his forehead.

"You're down $40", said Greg, "I'll give you one last chance to get your money back. 1 bet I can make love to you so gently, so tenderly that you won't even feel it."
Sue knew that this was just impossible, so she threw down $40 and said, "No way you can do that! You're on!"
Greg led Sue to the back seat of his car where he proceeded to bonk the daylights out of her, fucking furiously.

"OH WOW! OH GOD! OH SHIT!" Sue screamed. "I can feel it! oh my God, I CAN I FEEL IT!!! Oh WOW! You've lost the bet, Mr. Smart Arse."
"Ah, what a bummer," said Greg as he continued fucking Sue, "but ... you win some, you lose some"