Umm

[Lucsand]

[secondjag]

4 hours ago, Lucsand said:

funny stuff, thanks

 

[secondjag]

One day, Mom was cleaning junior's room, and in the closet, she found some bondage S+M magazines. 
This was highly upsetting for her.  She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. 
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting.
Their task for today is to each stand up in turn speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed.
The first prisoner stands and says "My name is Daniel and I'm in for murder"
Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrongdoing.
The next guy stands up and says "My name is Mike and I'm in for armed robbery" 
Again, there is a round of approving looks. This goes around the circle until it gets  to the last guy.
He stands up and says "My name is Luke, but I'm not telling you what I'm in for"
 The group leader says "Now, come on Luke, you have to admit it to us to make any progress.  Tell us what you did."
"Ok then. I'm in for fucking dogs."
Everyone is disgusted! They all shout "What??!! How LOW can you get!"
"Well...I did manage do to a dachshund one time, but I had to lift her back legs up a little," Luke replies.

Guy gets a new job and he works Tuesday to Friday, but on Monday he calls his boss and says: "I cannot come in today. I'm sick."
The same thing happens next week and the week after.
The boss gets irritated, but he doesn't want to fire the guy,because he's really good at what he does. He calls him in his office and says to him: "Listen, I'm really happy that I've hired you, but you simply don't work on Mondays. Tell me what the problem is? Do you drink a lot, do you take drugs?"
"No," replies the guy, "I don't drink at all and I don't do drugs. But my sister is married to this guy, who drinks every weekend. So when he comes home he beats her really badly. I go to visit her every Monday to make sure she's OK. She starts crying on my shoulder, one thing leads to another and then we start fucking."
"You fuck your sister?"
The guy replies, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

A teacher puts a photograph of a Tomcat on the blackboard, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat?
Little Mary has the first attempt and answers, "By fur Miss?"
The teacher replies, "Not quite right Mary, but a good try."
Meanwhile all during the lesson Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying, "Me, Miss! Me, Miss!"
The next student the teacher picks is Peter, and he answers, "Is it attached by skin Miss?"
The teacher replies, "Not quite right either, Peter... anybody else want to try?"
Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to Johnny, "What do you think the tail is attached by?"
Johnny replies, "Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat... I'd say it would have to be bolted on!

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties, and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good, or you'll be history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip, and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor.
He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
The young man replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

 

[secondjag]

A horsefly kept biting an elephant near her tail. She kept swinging her trunk, but he was far out of reach.
A little sparrow observed this and flew down and snipped the horsefly in half.
"Oh, thank you!" said the elephant. "Listen, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't hesitate to ask."
The sparrow paused. "Well, ma'am -," he said.
"What is it," said the elephant. "You needn't be shy with me."
"Well," said the sparrow, "the truth is that all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck an elephant."
"Go right ahead," said the elephant. "Be my guest!"
The sparrow began to fuck away. Up above them, a monkey got very excited and started to masturbate. This shook a coconut loose and it hit the elephant smack on the head.
"Ouch!" said the elephant.
The sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you, dear?"

 

Dave sold strawberries off his truck out in the suburbs. He knocked one the door of a house.
"Wanna buy some strawberries?"
"Come around the back," answered the pretty young blonde.
Dave walked to the rear, rang the bell, and the woman opened the door. To Dave's shock, she stood there stark naked. Not a stitch of clothes on.
Dave started to cry.

"What's the matter?" asked the blonde.
"Today, my wife ran away with my best friend," explained Dave.  "I lost three thousand dollars on the stock market, and now you're gonna screw me out of my strawberries."

 

[secondjag]

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50-50%.
A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC (Private First Class) who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

 

[secondjag]

An exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta. As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes.
As she reached down toward Joe for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat and @@@@@@@ himself.
"I'm sorry sir," she said politely, "but you have to show your ticket, not your stub."

The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face.  "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.  This is a horrible lie. and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?  Remember, you will be forgiven, and in your heart you will feel glory.  Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. 
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.  I never said you were a member of the Klan.  I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"
The preacher fainted.

 

[cucksean]

Love this! 

[secondjag]

14 hours ago, cucksean said:

Love this! 

glad u dug it Sean

A kitty and a rooster held a race.
They reached a stream.
The cat said to the rooster, "I'm not jumping that -- you KNOW cats hate getting wet!"
The rooster replied, "Don't be a chicken -- just back up and take a flying leap!"
The cat tried, and landed in the middle  of the stream.
The rooster smiled contentedly. "What's so bloody  funny?" asked the cat.
The rooster answered, "Well, NOTHING pleases a cock more'n seeing a wet pussy!!"

Carol was not the best student in the Catholic School she attended. Usually, she slept through class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping in class. 'Tell me Carol, who created the universe?'
When Carol didn't stir, but little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. 'God Almighty!' shouted Carol.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Carol, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But, Carol didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!' shouted Carol. And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Carol fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question. 'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Carol jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
The nun fainted.
That’s the value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.  

A little girl is playing with two dolls and her mom comes into the room to see what she is doing.
The mother sees her has a Barbie and a G.I. Joe doll.
"What are you doing with your brother's G.I. Joe, tootsie?" asks the mother.
"Where's your Ken doll? You know Barbie comes with Ken."
"No, mother," explains the little girl without looking up. "Barbie comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken."

 

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, were chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives.

All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels, and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers.

After a few days, they met up for lunch and compared notes.

The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and, a mask. He saw me and said: 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."

The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word, but we had wild fun all night!"

Then the married woman said: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night when my husband came home. I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said: 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.

“I want a baby more than anything in the world,” said the first, “But I guess it is impossible.”

“I used to feel just the same way,” said the second. “But then, everything changed

That's why I'm here I'm going to have a baby in three months.”

“You must tell me what you did.”

“I went to a faith healer.”

“But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit.”

The other woman smiled and whispered, “Try going alone, next time, dearie.”

 

[secondjag]

A man and a woman were engaged in heated sexual intercourse.
The woman was screaming and wiggling like she had never before.
Afterwards, she flings the lights on and stares him straight in the eyes.
"You know you were fucking me in the ass, don't you?"
"I wasn't quite sure," replied the man.
"Surely you realized that it wasn't like our normal sex. Why didn't you stop?" pleaded the wife.
"You know how much we men hate to stop and ask for directions..."

A man and his wife were talking and he says, "You know, I was thinking of going down to the pub tonight and entering that big-dick contest."
"Oh honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that out in public!"
"But sweet thing," he says, "the prize is $100!"
"I don't care," she says, "I don't want you showing that thing to everybody."
So he lets the subject drop until the following night when his wife walks in on him in the bedroom, counting out a hundred dollars.
"Did you go down and enter that big-dick contest last night after I told you not to?"
"Please forgive me, sweetheart," he says.
"You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says, tears welling up in her eyes.
The man looks at her fondly and says, "No, dear. Only enough to win."

 

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.

After a long life together, Frank was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"

"Is that you, Frank?"

"Yes, I've come back as we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it's back to the golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."

"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a fucking rabbit somewhere in Scotland."

Q: What is an Australian Kiss?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder.'

Q: Why were hurricanes normally named after women?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.

 

 

[secondjag]

A man had just been married and came to work in a hurry the next day. He went up to a friend and said, "You must help me. My wife and I are both virgins and we don't know what to do!"
The friend replied, "Where are you going for your honeymoon?"
Man says, "To Disneyworld."
Friend, "OK, I'll come along with you and the first night I'll hide in the closet. if you have a problem....I'll be there."
Man, "Thank you!"
They did exactly that. The man left his wife and went to the bathroom.
He stubbed his toe as he reentered the bed and uttered, "Oh...shit!"
His friend in the closet whispered, "Flip her over! Flip her over!"

McCreedy is sitting at the bar jerking his meat. The bartender says, "Look, Mac, you've got to get out of here." The drunk says, "Are you kiddin'? I can't leave.  I can't walk. Hell, I'm so drunk, I don't even know who I'm fuckin'!"

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple.
This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he gain straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving competitor. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.
She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool.
She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly!
After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
No," she said, "I was a hooker in Buffalo, and I worked both sides of the Niagara River."

 

A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton.
The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting.
The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud. "This is not the 1928 Mouton."
The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton.

Finally, someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.
"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine."
The original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton.  You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."
Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes."

 

 

[secondjag]

"Johnny," the teacher started, "do you know what 'paranoia' means?"
"It's not a word, teach, it's several words," Johnny replied.
"Whatever do you mean by that?"
"It's like when you go into a restaurant and a well-endowed waitress with a low-cut uniform reaches in front of you and says, 'Does my pair annoy ya?'"

A man decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends.
On the invitation he puts, "Themed Party: Come as a Human Emotion."
On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.
He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy says, "I'm green with envy."
The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts.
He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
And she replies, "I'm tickled pink." The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two guys from New York, stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear.
The host is really shocked and says, "Gee, guys, what the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?"
The first guy replies, "Well, I'm fucking discustard, and my friend here has come in dispair."

 

 

 

[Peter C]

What a shame that doesn't say, "HI BECKY". Would be better still if it was on a black man's penis for my girlfriend.

I did once write "LOUISE" in black marker pen on my penis for a lady I was seeing at the time. Lucky the wife didn't see it haha!

[secondjag]

A man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass."
The doctors says, "Drop your pants, bend over and let's have a look."
"Fuck me!!" says the doctor.  "What could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies, "I've been fucked by an elephant!"
The doctor says "An elephant's penis is long and thin. This hole is enormous."
Patient replies "He fingered me first."

A man goes to the Doctor in desire of a prescription for Viagra.
Doctor looks over the man, and says, "Viagra can be very dangerous and we do not just dispense it indiscriminately, please bring your wife to my office next week and we'll discuss this in more detail.
So the next week the Man shows up with his wife, the Doctor asks to see the wife by herself for a few moments and she follows him back to the examining room.
The doctor asks her to disrobe, and she does. 
He then asks her to turn around in 360° a few times, then instructs her to get up on the examining table and to turn in various positions.
He then tells her she can get dressed and goes out to meet the Male Patient.
"Sir," The doctor says" there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't get an erection either!"

 

[secondjag]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out pictures of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife, engaged in passionate sex.
The pharmacist looked at the pictures and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription."

 

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'  'Not yet,' she replied.

Math teacher:  "After 69, what comes next?"
Blonde:  "You wash your hands and rinse your mouth...duh."

A young Italian girl was going on her first date.  Before the date her Nonna decided to give her some advice.

Nonna said, "Sita here ana letame tella you about those-a younga boys. He's agonna try and kiss you, you are agonna likea that... but don't let him do that. He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea that too... but don'ta let him do that! But most important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna likea dat, but don'ta let him do that. Doing that willa disgraca the family!!"

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.

The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: "Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"

 

[Peter C]

[robert smith]

[secondjag]

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honey bee.
His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly.
"That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

 

My ex-wife was so cold that when you spread her legs a little white light came on!

A man walked in to his local butcher to find his regular butcher, John absent so he asks the manager, "Where's John?" The manager tells the man that John was fired because he was found sticking his dick in the meat slicer" Then the man asked, "Where is the meat slicer now?" The butcher then replied, "I fired her too."

A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
 One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
 "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.
The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf.
The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would.
Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.
 As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on.
Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer.
 Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.
 Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her.
Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"
 "No," croaks the old man, "but it's a-quiverin’."

A man named Butt walks into a grocery store where he sees one of his closest friends, Bob.
Bob approaches him with a sincere smile and greets Butt.
After a good conversation between the two men, Bob looks at Butt with affection and says:  "Listen Butt, you're my best friend. I respect  you a lot and would never do anything to hurt you, but I've got to let this off my chest. I think you deserve much better than Lola. I'm telling you this as a friend. Your wife is not exactly a conservative woman!"
Butt looks at Bob in bafflement and replies: "What do you mean?"
Bob looks him straight in the eyes and whispers in his ear, "Look around! Why do you think there are almost no men in this grocery store? As a true friend, I feel obliged to tell you this. Every time you go grocery shopping, there is a very long line-up at your front door!"
Butt, confused and puzzled asks, "What are you trying to say?"
Bob looks at him in sorrow and replies, "I hate to break this to you my dear friend, but your wife is a money hungry whore! Divorce her!"
Butt, startled by Bob's rude comment replies in a fury, "What kind of a friend are you? You must think I'm an Idiot? You want me to divorce her, so I'll have to wait in line, too?"

 

 

[secondjag]

A man is very ashamed of his pecker because of its size.
He has an extremely small pecker and doesn't want his girlfriend to dump him when she sees the size.
One night when he and his girlfriend are making out in a dark corner he decides he will show her.
The man unzips his pants, whips out his small pecker, and shoves it into her hand.
He sits there impatiently waiting to see her reaction.
His girlfriend says, "Thanks, but I don't smoke."

A man is traveling through the desert when he comes upon an Indian lying on the ground stark naked with a hard-on sticking straight up in the air.
He asks the Indian what he is doing, to which the Indian replies, "I am telling the time."
The man tells the Indian that he does not believe it, so the Indian tells him that it is 1:00. The man looks at his watch and is amazed to find that it is exactly 1:00.
He travels a bit longer until he comes upon another naked Indian lying on the ground with a hard-on sticking straight up.
He asks this Indian what he is doing and he too replies that he is telling the time.
He tells the Indian to prove it and the Indian tells him that it is 2:00. The man looks at his watch and once again is amazed that the time is correct.
He continues his trek through the desert until he comes across an Indian lying naked in the sand, masturbating.
He asks this Indian, "And what the hell are you doing?"
The Indian replied, "I am winding my watch!"

A man on a construction site thirty floors up had to go to the bathroom. He approached his foreman and told him that he was going down to use the restroom. The foreman told him he was crazy; by the time he got down and back up, he'd lose a half hour.
The foreman pushed a plank out over the edge of the building. He stood on one end and told the guy to go out on the other end and pee. He said, "Damn, Chuck, we're thirty floors up! Piss'll turn to vapor before it hits the ground!"
What could he do? It was his foreman, after all. So, the guy gingerly heads out on the plank.
Suddenly the foreman's cell phone rang. Not even thinking, he jumped off the board to get it, sending the peeing man to his death!
At the inquest, an electrician who was working on the twenty-seventh floor was asked what he'd witnessed regarding the accident.
"I'm not really sure. I think it had something to do with sex."
The coroner said, "Sex? Why do you think that?
he electrician replied, "I saw the man falling with his dick in his hand, screaming, "Where'd that cocksucker go?"

 

A Delhi Mother was lucky enough to see that all her 3 Daughters got Married in the the same year. After the Marriage she called them and told them, "Don’t forget to text me your first Night experience and text it in a Code Language."

So....... after a week, the 1st texted and it read as: "NESCAFE"*
And the next Week the 2nd texted as: "WILLS"*
The mother, being an intelligent woman, went to get a Nescafe Tin and she read the Label on which it was written: "Fantastic till the Last Drop"
Then she went to her Husband's pack of WILLS Cigarette and it read: "Extra Long, King Size"
She smiled and said "not bad for their Ages."

Subsequent week, the 3rd texted and it read as: "Indigo Delhi Hyderabad"
The mother was not able to decode the message and then she called Indigo Airways Helpdesk to enquire about their Delhi Hyderabad flight and they replied: "It's 5 times daily, 7 days a week, both ways and the duration of flight is 75 Mins."

The mother fainted.

 

[secondjag]

Edited July 25, 2022 by secondjag
add content

[secondjag]

A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students to sketch a naked man.

As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches, he noticed that a sexy young coed had sketched the man with an erect penis.

The professor commented, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way."

She replied, "What other way?"

An elderly [and not overly smart] man took his very much younger date to see a movie.
Instead of watching the movie though, they are kissing, hugging and fondling each other.
As things are getting more heated by the moment the man's very expensive toupee gets knocked off.
Of course, right away he starts trying to find it and in the dark, his hand accidentally gets in under his date's dress.
Feeling quite aroused by all the kissing and such, she breathes into his ear "That's it! that's it!"
The man thinks for a second and then replies, "Hell, it couldn't be! I had mine parted on the side!"

 

 

[secondjag]

On the first day of their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic
husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."

Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!

Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"

"My girl, Ginger, is going to die of syphilis," mumbles an angry biker to one of his buddies. "No," says the friend, "people don't die of syphilis anymore." The angry biker replies, "They do when they give it to me!"

A man was becoming concerned that his 3 daughters might not be as innocent as he wished. What did they already know about sex? He decided to find out.
So he brought his 16-year-old into the bathroom, dropped his pants, and said "Do you know what this is?"
"Yes, Daddy, that's a penis."
 The man exploded! He couldn't believe it! "You're grounded for a year", he exclaimed, "and you're going to read the Bible every day!"
 He then brought his 14-year-old into the bathroom, and dropped his pants. "Do you know what this is?"
 "Yes, Daddy, it's a penis"
 Unbelievable! He grounded her for 2 years, and took away her allowance.
 Finally, he brought his 12-year-old into the bathroom, dropped his pants, and asked "Do you know what this is?"
"No, daddy, I don't."
 "What a good girl! I'm very proud of you! I'm going to raise your allowance! Anyway, this is called a penis."
 The girl laughed and said, "You call THAT a penis?!?"

 

[secondjag]

A man walks into a brothel and approaches a beautiful Oriental courtesan. "Is it true Asian women's vaginas are slit sideways?" he asks. "Why?" she responds. "Are you a harmonica player?"

 

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blond kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blond continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

A man went to a French restaurant. The menu was in French and he spoke no French. When the waiter asked his choice, he told the waiter to bring out the restaurant's specialty.
The man had a truly fantastic meal.
The waiter asked if the man wanted dessert. He responded that the waiter should bring out the restaurant's specialty.
The waiter said that it was the Peach Poosay, and he would order it for him.
A short time later, a waitress came out with a covered silver platter.  She took the cover off and there was a peach that had been quartered and pitted.
The waitress proceeded to raise her skirt and take a piece of the peach and push it in and out of her vagina!
She then picked up the rest of the pieces and did the same thing with them.
The man called the waiter over an asked, "Am I actually expected to eat the peach after that?"
The waiter responded, "Why, no, Monsieur. You eat the poosay."

 

[secondjag]

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of 9 mm ammo.
On the way home I stopped at the gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.
She looked at the ammo in the back of my pickup and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, big boy. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "Sure. What kinda ammo ya got?"

 

A Man shouts to his wife, “Come here and look at my clock.” She walks in to find him naked with a hard on. She says, “That's not a clock.” He says “It will be when you put two hands and a face on it.”

 Two sperm swimming side by side were having a conversation. One sperm asked the other, ‘‘How far till we reach the fallopian tubes?” The other replied, “Not sure, but we just passed the esophagus.”

A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer. The bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked "What's the problem, pal?" "My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his neighbourhood that pays $50 for a donation." "Yeah, so?" "Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!"

 

[secondjag]

A man's balls had turned brown and he was worried so he made an appointment with his doctor.
When he got home from the appointment, he sat down in his chair in the living room. 
He hollered for his wife to come from the kitchen. 
After a while when she didn't come, he hollered again.
After the third time she hollered back, "I haven't got time. I am fixing dinner, I have clothes here to iron, the baby is crying and needs to be changed. I don't have time to wipe my ass.
He said," That's what I want to talk to you about."

 

What do you call a herd of cows playing with themselves?

Beef strokin’ off.

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.
She said, "I'm on the 14th, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went into the club house, where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady .... well, I am in sales also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No I wouldn't," he said, and persisted that she tell him what she sold.
"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax."
With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

 

[secondjag]

A man walks into a department store, and as he does, a perfume girl asks him to try some perfume. The man tries some and says, "Hey, that's not too bad, what's it called?" The perfume lady says, "Come to Me" The man smells it again and says, "Yeah?  Well, it doesn't smell like cum to me.