Umm

[secondjag]

Eleven minutes can seem like forever...

A Police Officer was patrolling some side roads off the main highway.  At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, on Lovers' Lane, with the interior light brightly glowing.

He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this unusual situation, the Officer walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, Officer?"

The trooper asks: "What are you doing?”

The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the Officer says: "And, her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.”
Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night on Lover's Lane and nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: "What's your age, young man?"
The young man says: "I'm 22, sir."
The trooper asks: "And her, what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies, "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

 

[secondjag]

Concerned about his failing manhood, a farmer went to the local doctor for help. The doctor gave him a small container of pills and told him to take no more than one a day.
Back home, the farmer thought he'd try the medication on his stud horse first. The horse swallowed the pill, jumped out of his stall, kicked a side of the barn over, and ran off down the road.

"Those pills are too strong for me," the farmer thought, and poured the rest into his well.
Later, when the doctor came to check on him, the farmer told how he had disposed of the medication.
"Heavens!" exclaimed the doctor. "You haven't drunk any of the well water, have you?"
"No," said the farmer. "We can't get the pump handle down."

One day a 5th grade class was taking a field trip but the weather was extremely bad and the trip was to be delayed and they had to stay in a hotel for the night.
So Little Johnny was sleeping in the same room as his teacher.
In the middle of the night the teacher woke up and was frightened by the sight of Johnny standing right over her.
He asked if he could sleep with her cause he couldn't sleep.
She said okay, then Johnny asked to lay a little closer and she said okay.
Then he asked if he could put his finger in her belly button and she said "NO"
"But my mommy lets me do it when I can't sleep and it helps."
So the teacher says, "Okay fine, do whatever your mom lets you do."
A few minutes later the teacher says "OH. that's not my bellybutton."
And Johnny says, "I know. That's not my finger."

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table.
Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."
Paul readily agreed and the palm reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."
"That's true," said Paul.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from the 'love line' on my palm?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses."

 

 

[secondjag]

All over the bed we did roam
I swear from my mouth I did foam
I was just fit to pop
When we both had to stop..
As male a voice said, "Hey honey, I'm home!!"

An astronomer slept in the sun,
Then woke with his fly quite undone.
He remarked, with a smile,
"Hoorah! A sundial!
And it's now a quarter past one."

 

[secondjag]

There's an oversexed lady named Whyte,
Who insists on a dozen a night.
A fellow named Cheddar,
Had the brashness to wed her...
His chance of survival is slight.

 There's a tavern in London that's staffed,
By a barmaid who's tops at her craft:
In her striving to please,
She serves ale on her knees,
So the patrons get head with their draft.

One day in a third grade classroom a teacher asked her students what their fathers did for a living.

The first boy raises his hand, and says my dad is a fireman. The teacher replies, "Hey, that’s a great profession, he gets to fight fires and he has to be very brave."
The teacher next calls on a second student. A young girl is chosen, and she tells the class that her father is a policeman. The teacher replied, "Oh, that’s a great job, he has to be very brave, and he gets to put all the criminals behind bars."
Then, a third student raises his hand and is chosen by the teacher. She asks him what his father does for a living and he says that his father eats light bulbs. The teacher, now confused, says, "That's crazy, what makes you think that he eats light bulbs?"
The student replies, "Well last night I got up out of bed to get a drink of water, and when I walked by my parents’ room I overheard my father say, 'Hey baby, turn out the light and I'll eat it.'"

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin, and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker [who also happened to be the local postal clerk] to make the proper "final" arrangements.
As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: "BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.
A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone she had selected was much too small for the wording she had chosen.
He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma.
Finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows: RETURNED UNOPENED.

 

 

 

[secondjag]

A beautiful young girl was about to undergo a minor operation. She lay on a rolling bed and the nurse brought her into the corridor. She was totally naked, and laid underneath a sheet.
Before entering the room, the nurse left her behind the surgery room door to go in and check if everything was ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approached, took the sheet away and began examining her naked body. He walked away and talked to another man in a white coat. The second man came over and did the same examination.
When a third man started examining her body very closely, she grew impatient and asked, "These examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders and told her, "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

One day, a blonde and a brunette were out for a ride in the blonde's new car. Suddenly, some jerk pulled in front of them. The blonde then put her lips on the steering wheel.
The brunette feared for her life, but had the courage to ask, "What are you doing?!" The blonde calmly replied, "I'm trying to blow the horn."

 

There was a young man with a fiddle
Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?"
She replied, "Yes, I do,
But prefer to with two --
It's twice as much fun in the middle."

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and gave it my all. Yep, right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

One day, Tony died.
When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away.
He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 250 pound, hopelessly stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it.
Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven.
So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.
As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead.
Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with.
When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money... even more then you did."
They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel/centrefold.
Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man, and in fact, it was their friend, Jon.
They asked him how it is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.
Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining."
This has been absolutely the best time, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to.
There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand.
After every time we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Fucking income taxes!"

 

[secondjag]

One day, while a squirrel was sitting in his tree, he saw a rabbit hopping towards him down the path, and as he came, he was repeating, "I'm a pig, I'm a pig, I'm a pig."
So the squirrel decided to go down and see what the heck was going on with this rabbit.  So, he went to the bottom of the tree and when the rabbit came near, he stepped out and stopped him.
"What's going on?" he asked.  "You're not a pig, you're a rabbit. See, you got long ears, a little button nose and a fluffy cotton tail."
The rabbit looked at the squirrel for a second before he grabbed him, fucked him up the ass, beat his head against the tree and came in his face and continued down the trail repeating, "I'm a pig, I'm a pig, I'm a pig."

 

Two widows, Sadie and Yetta, are talking over breakfast.
Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Yetta: "Vell ... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. And like such a mensch he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car... a limousine, even, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner. Marvelous dinner. Lobster, even. Den ve go see a show... let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could have just die from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Sadie: "Oy! Vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Yetta: "No... I'm just saying, verr an old dress."

 

 

 

[secondjag]

Superman is attending a 'Super Heroes’ convention, sporting a black eye.

Batman approaches and asks what happened.

Superman says, "I was flying along when I saw Wonder Woman stark naked and writhing about on the floor, so I flew down and slipped onto her to the hilt"

Robin replies, "Holy Crap, I bet she was surprised".

Superman says, "Yeah, but not half as much as the Invisible Man!"

Oprah goes to the doctor with a sore throat, and he says, "Take off all of your clothes, lie on your back on my table, and spread your legs as wide as you can." She says, "How will that help my sore throat?" He says, "It won't, but I want to see how my house will look painted dark brown, with pink shutters."

One time when I was visiting Toronto, I asked a chap where I could find a good brothel.

He gave me an address and said to ask for Sally.
I went to the address and requested Sally. She took me to a room, stripped down, and said, "Go ahead, but let me know how it is."
After a few minutes I said, "It's not bad but a bit loose."
She said, "Get off for a moment."
I did that and she reached down and fiddled about with her privates.
"Try it now." she said.
I did and found it better but still a bit loose, so I told her so.

She repeated her actions and when I tried it again it was perfect.
When we were finished and I was paying her I asked, "How do you manage to adjust it's size to fit anyone?"
"Well," she said, "I've been in this business for some time and have developed warts on one side and wormholes on the other. I just button them up or undo them as needed."

 

 

 

[secondjag]

Superman is attending a 'Super Heroes’ convention, sporting a black eye.

Batman approaches and asks what happened.

Superman says, "I was flying along when I saw Wonder Woman stark naked and writhing about on the floor, so I flew down and slipped onto her to the hilt"

Robin replies, "Holy Crap, I bet she was surprised".

Superman says, "Yeah, but not half as much as the Invisible Man!"

Oprah goes to the doctor with a sore throat, and he says, "Take off all of your clothes, lie on your back on my table, and spread your legs as wide as you can." She says, "How will that help my sore throat?" He says, "It won't, but I want to see how my house will look painted dark brown, with pink shutters."

One time when I was visiting Toronto, I asked a chap where I could find a good brothel.

He gave me an address and said to ask for Sally.
I went to the address and requested Sally. She took me to a room, stripped down, and said, "Go ahead, but let me know how it is."
After a few minutes I said, "It's not bad but a bit loose."
She said, "Get off for a moment."
I did that and she reached down and fiddled about with her privates.
"Try it now." she said.
I did and found it better but still a bit loose, so I told her so.

She repeated her actions and when I tried it again it was perfect.
When we were finished and I was paying her I asked, "How do you manage to adjust it's size to fit anyone?"
"Well," she said, "I've been in this business for some time and have developed warts on one side and wormholes on the other. I just button them up or undo them as needed."

 

 

 

[secondjag]

Outside a Church in Boston a young boy is weeping, and an old lady approaches him and says, "What's wrong, honey?"
The little boy replies between sobs, "My Grandma passed away this morning."
"I'm so sorry to hear this," says the kind old lady. "Do you want me to call Father O'Riley?"
"No," replies the boy. "Sex is the last thing I have in mind."

Osama Bin Laden was shot and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Osama Bin Laden thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," said Osama bin Laden, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Osama Bin Laden.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama Bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Osama bin Laden took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "OK Monica, you're free to go."

 

Abraham Moscowitz is an old Jewish guy who is a yarn merchant. He lives next door to the biggest anti-Semite in town.

One day the anti-Semite calls up Abraham and says, "Hey Jew!... I need a piece of orange yarn. The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow."
Abe says, "OK."
The next morning the Anti-Semite is awakened at 7am by the sound of running engines. He runs outside to see a row trucks lined up one after the other, truck-full after truck-full of orange yarn in his front yard. Soon, his yard is a 5-feet deep sea in orange yarn. Abe then presents a bill for $18,000 to the anti-Semite.
The guy starts yelling and screaming at Abe. "What is this, Jew? This is not what I asked for! I told you I needed a piece of yarn from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place! What do you have to say for yourself?"
Straight faced, Abe replies, "I'm very careful when I deal with people like you. That's why I got a few witnesses here with me. I may be off by a few feet, so I gave you a 2% discount; but... the tip of my penis was left in Poland after my circumcision!"

 

[secondjag]

I was halfway through a meeting with a photocopy salesman, when he suddenly mentioned his wife and children, and how content and happy he was.

I was puzzled, but let him continue.

It was only when I glanced down that I understood his reason for imparting this personal information: The table leg against which I had been rubbing my itchy foot wasn’t a table leg at all.

 

Paddy decides to go rabbit hunting, but when he gets to his favorite field he sees the village priest is already there.

Paddy watches with fascination as the priest holds his finger over a rabbit hole and immediately a rabbit pops out. The priest grabs it and puts it into a sack. He repeats this unusual but very successful technique until his sack is full of rabbits.
Paddy stops the priest and asks him how he does it.
"Easy," says the priest. "Put your finger on your wife's pussy and then hold it over a rabbit hole. They can't resist the smell, so when they come out, grab them."
Paddy rushes home to find Maureen bent over scrubbing the floor. He lifts up her skirt and applies his finger as directed.
Without looking up, Maureen giggles, "Holy Moses, Father! Rabbit hunting again?"

 

[secondjag]

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed about spending holidays in Hawaii, but were never able to save any money to do so. One day they came up with an idea; each time they had sex, he would put a $20 bill into a piggy bank.
They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year.
After that time, they decided that there was enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank.
The husband looked at their savings and said: "Isn't it strange. Each time we had sex, I put a $20 bill into the piggy. But I see tons of $50 bills, and a few $100 bills."
The wife replied, "Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?"

 

Two doctors were jogging down a wood path, each arguing as to who was the better doctor. The 1st claimed he was better, then the 2nd. This went on for 30 minutes or so!
Finally the 1st doctor said to the 2nd, "If you are so good, then prove it."

The 2nd doctor said "ok I will."

The 2nd doctor looked around, up and down and saw an owl sitting up in an old oak tree. He said "see that owl", the 1st replied "yes", "I'll give that owl a tonsillectomy in 10 minutes" said the 2nd doctor.

The 1st doctor encouraged him to try.
The clock started ticking, he reached up in the oak tree and grabbed the owl. With a "clip", "snip", and "clip" - the 2nd doctor was done. He proceeded to say, "9 minutes and 15 seconds later, I'm through - beat that!"
The 1st doctor then stated that he could beat the 2nd doctor by performing a vasectomy in 5 minutes. He asked the 2nd if he successfully completed the vasectomy in 5 minutes would he be the better of the two doctors. To that the doctored replied "yes."
The clock started ticking, he reached up in the oak tree and grabbed the same owl. With a "clip", "snip", "cut", "bang", "stitch", and "clip" - the 1st doctor was done. He completed his operation in a record 3 minutes and 35 seconds.

Both doctors went on jogging down the path happy and content as to whom was the better of the two doctors.
The next day the Mr. Owl and Mrs. Owl were flying along when Mrs. Owl stated, "I'm tired, lets land and rest a while."Mr. Owl said "ok!"
Mrs. Owl looked around and saw (with her keen vision) a wonderful old oak tree to perch on, see stated, "lets land over there on the old oak tree."
Mr. Owl looked around and saw the oak tree, only to proclaim, "I'M NOT LANDING THERE." Mrs. owl said "why not," Mr. Owl again proclaimed, "I'M NOT LANDING THERE."

This went on for some time!
Mrs. Owl said, "tell me why you don't want to land there or we're going to!"
Mr. Owl said; "Well, ever since I landed in that old oak tree yesterday, I can't hoot worth a fuck or fuck worth a hoot!"

A mother wanted so much to be a part of her teenage children's group.

She worked hard at learning all the styles the young mothers wore and all foods the children like to eat.
She always tried to look young and spiffy and to have an abundant supply of snacks when the gang dropped by. She even learned how to talk "young," learning all the buzz words and hip sayings.
One day all this came to a screeching halt when, after serving the right snacks, she heard herself say to a room full of hormone dripping teenagers, "If anyone want secs, just let me know. I'll be in the kitchen getting it ready."

 

 

[secondjag]

An infamous womanizer with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought that the man looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong.
"I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some ticked-off husband wrote to me, and said he would kill me if I didn't stop messing around with his wife."
"So stop," the barkeep said.
"I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "That inconsiderate bastard didn't sign his name!"

 

[secondjag]

Penises come in five sizes:
   1. Small
   2. Medium
   3. Large
   4. Oh My God!
   5. Is that available in white?

"It's funny," says Samantha, "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when I'm sucking his dick."
"You know what?" replies Jenny. "It's exactly the same with my Richard..."
They turn to the third blonde and ask, "When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?"
"Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Chris's thing in my mouth!"
"You're crazy," one of the blondes pipes up. "A good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy. You should try it."
She says she'll think about it. The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the blowjob novice is sporting a wicked shiner.
"Whoa!" the first blonde asks. "How did you get that black eye?"
"Chris hit me when I was blowing him," she says.
"What on earth for?" the second blonde asks.
"I don't know," she replies. "All I did was tell him how strange it was that his balls were so warm, seeing as how Pete's and Richard's are so cold."

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?' The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!’ ‘That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?' ‘Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly. The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?’ ‘No problem,' replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!'
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds
the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH ! Something whips by him going much faster! ‘What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?' The old man whispers,
'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!!!!’

 

[secondjag]

A missionary realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives, was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
 He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
 The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
 The missionary is pleased with the response.
 They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
 Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
 The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
 The missionary is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
 The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
 The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
 The chief replies, "My bike."

Why don't witches wear underwear?
So they can get a better grip on the broom.

 

A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave his beard.
"Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!"
"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice...
"Oh really, I can't," he replied, "My wife loves this beard!"
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed, and finally gave in.
That night James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife was awakened somewhat, felt his face and replied, "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"

 

 

[secondjag]

The Aussie, the Yank, and the Canadian were having a bullshit session on Caribbean cruise ship.
The Aussie said, "In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn."
The Yank said, "That's nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift."
The Canadian said, "That's nothing, we have women with vaginas this big." He then stretched his hands so wide it'd do the biggest fish story justice.
"How do you screw them then?" asked the Yank.
"They stretch."

 

A Rabbi from Peru
Was vainly attempting to screw.
His wife said "Oy vey,
If you keep up this way
The Messiah will come before you.”

A carpenter living in Crewe,
Who had nothing whatever to do,
Once assisted a whore
With the hinge of her door,
But he made her pay for the screw.

 

[secondjag]

After a tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said, "Miss, would y'all give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.
Then she smiled and added, "Sure, why not? It's pretty slow here right now, so let's go!"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else?"
"Yes," replied the tourist. "Where ah come from in Alabama, we lack our bourbon 'n watuh cold, so ah still need a piece uh ass for mah drink."

 

There was a young Scot in Madrid
Who got fifty-five lays for a quid.
When they said, "Are you faint?"
He replied, "No, I ain't,
But I don't feel as good as I did."

There was a young person named Willie
Whose actions were what you'd call silly;
He went to a ball
Dressed in nothing at all
Pretending to represent Chile

 

[secondjag]

A plumber was called to a woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe.
When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly, and they moved to the bedroom.
About 4:30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing their bedroom shenanigans.
"That was my husband," she said, "He's on his way home, but he's going back to the office around 8.
Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"

 

It has been studied and determined that the most often used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position. The husband sits up and begs, and the wife rolls over and plays dead.

 There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to the doctor.

The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.
"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."
The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.
"So what's the good news?" he asks.
The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"
The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."
So the doctor performs the operation.
A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.
Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.
Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.
"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

 

 

[secondjag]

Bob pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, "My wife, Suzie, must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!"

"What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired.

"Last week," Bob explained, "I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman, the postman, the paperboy, the UPS man, or several of the neighborhood guys came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'"

"When I see a monk's ass, I just grab it."
Said the lazily amorous abbot.
"Although it's more fun,
To have sex with a nun,
It's so hard to get into the habit!"

 

 

[cucksean]

22 hours ago, secondjag said:

Bob pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, "My wife, Suzie, must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!"

"What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired.

"Last week," Bob explained, "I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman, the postman, the paperboy, the UPS man, or several of the neighborhood guys came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'"

"When I see a monk's ass, I just grab it."
Said the lazily amorous abbot.
"Although it's more fun,
To have sex with a nun,
It's so hard to get into the habit!"

 

 

Very nice Jag...you are always awesome!

[secondjag]

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed." 

The second kid replies, "Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."

Teri was walking along pushing our newborn son in the carriage when an old friend approached her. The friend leaned over, peering into the carriage said, “What a beautiful baby boy, and he looks just like his father.” “I know.”, replied Teri, “I just wish he looked more like Pete”

 A man was in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite went up into the air, it came crashing down. This went on for a while until his wife stuck her head out of the front door and yelled, "You need more tail!" The father yelled back, "I told you yesterday that I needed more tail... and you told me to go fly a kite!"

There was a young man with a fiddle
Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?"
She replied, "Yes, I do,
But prefer to with two --
It's twice as much fun in the middle."

There was a young harlot of Crete
Whose fucking was far, far too fleet.
So they tied down her ass
With a long ton of brass
To give them a much longer treat.

A polar bear and a penguin were walking along the snow dunes one day when the polar bear fell down a chasm.
Try as he might, the poor polar bear couldn't get out.
The penguin did everything he could think of, but he couldn't rescue his friend.
Then a thought struck him! He said, "Hold on for a few minutes, I'll be right back!"
He then ran off and returned in a few minutes driving his red Ferrarri.
He backed it up to the edge of the chasm and tied a rope to the end.
With his friend holding on to the rope, he was able to pull him out to safety.
After the polar bear thanked the penguin for saving his life, they continued on their walk.
Later on that very same day, the penguin fell into a similar chasm.
Now, as everyone knows, polar bears can't drive.
So it looked bad for the penguin.
Then the polar bear had an idea!
He allowed his penis to swing down into the chasm, all the way to the bottom.
The penguin gladly used it to climb his way to the top!
The moral of this story is: If you have a big enough penis, you don't need a Ferrari.

 

 

[secondjag]

Time to build a new house.  This one is rotting.

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an

opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. She then drops to her knees and gives him a fabulous blowjob.

After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss and blow job I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…”

There was a Young Man of Thyme
Who Had three wives at a time.
When asked why he did it
He said "One's an idiot
And bigamy, sir, is a crime.'

There was a young man of Natal
Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
Said he, "You be buggered!
I like to fuck slow, and I shall."

Doctor, you've gotta help me... my wife Sharon just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"
"Look, Charlie, I can't prescribe..."
"Doctor, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset?
I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to Hell! You've got to help me."
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills.
"Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental, but the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give Sharon more than
ONE, understand?... JUST one."
"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
"Um... okay."
Charlie expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where Sharon has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, Sharon goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Charlie , in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into Sharon's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The Doc did say they were powerful.
Then an inspiration strikes: Charlie drops one pill into his own coffee.
Sharon returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our Charlie with poorly concealed anticipation. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, Sharon shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice Charlie has never heard Sharon use before, she says, "I... need... a man!!"
Charlie eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too..!!!."

 

[secondjag]

There was a young man from L'Hore
Whose dick was one inch and no more.
Which was all right for keyholes,
And little girls' pee holes,
But no good at all with a whore.

 

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc., and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?"
"Well, I raised over 700 little peckers last year."

 

 

[secondjag]

The duplicitous cheerleader Mandy,  
Picks a fellow and asks, "Want a handy?"  
Once her stroking's complete,  
Pins him down, makes him eat.  
Turns out that's her modus operandi.

There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
"I've now rammed it in!"
She said, "You mean that isn't your finger?"

Once, there was a man who was so upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.
"Father, I am sinful."
"Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us.
Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."
"That's not very good of you."
"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."
"Father? ......... Father?" suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Priest was not there.
So he began searching for him. "Father? Where are you?"
He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."

An 18-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a brand-new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: “Good morning, your has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.”
He continues, “If a girl is born, I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000, 000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $500,000 each.
“However, if there is a miscarriage...”
At this point, the father, who had remained silent all the time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, “You'll make her pregnant again!”

 

[secondjag]

Happy 4th

 

Seventeen-year old Marty came home and announced that he'd gotten laid for the first time.
Shocked, his mother slapped him, and sent him to his room.
When his father got home and heard the news, he dutifully went to see his son.
Secretly pleased, he said "Well, Marty, I hope you learned something from this."
"Yes, I did, dad." Marty replied.  "Next time I won't tell mom, and I'll use Vaseline. My butt is killing me!"

 

Sadie and Sophie are sitting at the kitchen table, bragging about their daughters. "My Belinda lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami," says Sadie. "She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends. " Sophie replies, "Yeah, my Leah's a whore too."

I took a very classy and absolutely gorgeous lady on our first date the other evening. We had dinner at a very nice restaurant and went to a stage show afterwards. We were getting along fabulously and as the time came to part, I drove her to her house and walked her to her front door.
Being a gentleman I thanked her for her company, saying she was so beautiful she reminded me of a wild rambling rose. She thanked me for the compliment and we parted, but not before we arranged to see each other the following evening.
I arrived at her house the next evening as arranged, walked to and knocked on her front door. She came to the door, opened it and punched me right in the mouth.
Somewhat surprised as one would expect, I asked her what had caused her to do that?
She replied, "After you dropped me home last night, I was very flattered by the compliment you gave me and looked up wild rambling rose in my encyclopedia. It said that they did not perform well in bed, but when tied to a fence or wall, rooted very well."

 

 

[secondjag]

A Doctor recently had a patient 'drop-in' on him for an unscheduled appointment.
"What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked.
The aged gentleman replied, "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath. Doctor, I'm scared!"
The Doctor, looking at his 86-year old patient, said, "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years; but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"
The old gent replied, "Well, three times last night, and twice again this morning!"

A Pennsylvania farmer was selling his peaches door to door.
He knocked on a door and a shapely 40 something lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.
He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
 She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"
 He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.
 Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"
 The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.
 Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"
 He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
 The lady asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"
 Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."