Umm

[secondjag]

There was once a woman who owned a dog that she named Titswiggle. One day when she came home from work, she discovered that her beloved dog had run away.
She was out all night asking if anyone had seen a loose dog.

Nobody had seen him that night, but the next morning she met a little boy who said that he had seen a stray dog.
The dog he described matched hers exactly. Upon finding out this information she asked the young boy, "Have you seen my Titswiggle?"
Then the boy said, "No, but can that be my reward?"

Why do men pay more for car insurance?
Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving. 

 A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear-splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent love-making session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.
The Dr. said that the cost would be $3500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the Dr. urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The Dr. came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the Dr.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

 

One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love.
When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly.
Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn.
Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird.
The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door.
Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU DAMNED LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

 

 

 

[secondjag]

get well soon Sean.

 

 

A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class.
She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"
Little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"
The teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"
Little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter’s teeth."

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished." 

Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"

Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"

Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"

 

 

[secondjag]

A blonde at a party, was telling her friend that she'd gone off men for life.
"They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good," she moaned.
"From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and tested plastic companion," she said.
"What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend.
"That's simple," replied the blonde. "I'll just fake an orgasm, as usual!"

Sophie and the late Queen were talking shortly before the wedding when the Queen said " Now Sophie, I think it's about time you and I talked about any problems you and Edward may have consummating the marriage"
"Oh," said Sophie, "Everything's all right really, except ......"
"Except what?" said the Queen, "don't be embarrassed, I've heard it all before".
"Well, when I suck his dick and swallow, it tastes awful and gives me really bad heartburn."
"Have you tried Andrews?" asked the Queen
"Yes, but his tasted the same."

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard.
After a few miles he asks the driver what the monkey is for.
The driver says "I'll show you." And with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.
The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker head. When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.
"See that" said the trucker.
The man said "Yeah."
The trucker asks the man "You want to try it?"
The man said "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"

A mountain farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door.
"Is yer Pa home?" he asked.
"No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."
"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer Ma home?"
"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with Pa."
"Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?"
"No sir, he went with Pa and Ma."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I kin do fer ya'?" inquired the young boy politely. "I know where all the tool are, if you want to borry one; or maybe I could take a message fer Pa."
Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Pa. It's about your brother Joe getting my , Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Joe."

 

 

[secondjag]

Two men who haven't seen each other for many years meet on the street. One asks the other how things have been.
"Wonderful, for a while," the other says. "I had it all: money, a magnificent house, a fast car, and the love of a beautiful woman. Then, one day, poof! It was all gone!"
"What a shame," the friend says. "What on earth happened?"
Says the buddy: "My wife found out about it."

 

 

[secondjag]

There's a new toy on the market called the Billy Doll.
It's being advertised as the first openly gay doll for sale in America.
And the doll is anatomically correct. Boy, that's gotta be driving Barbie nuts, don't ya think?
Finally a male doll with something "down there," and he turns out to be gay. Isn't that every woman's nightmare?

Father O’Flynn’s Limerick

"A sermon", thought Father O'Flynn,
"I should write 'bout The Evils of Sin...
But my mind is a blank,
So I'll sit here and wank,
'Til some new inspirations begin."

His housekeeper, taken aback,
Cried, "Oh Father! It's sinful to wack!"
So she whipped off her scanties,
(Her bra and her panties)
And guided him into her crack.

"Lord Jesus!" cried Father O'Flynn,
"Inspiration at last to begin!"
As his housekeeper dribbled
He grabbed paper and scribbled
His sermon: 'The Pleasures of Sin'.

Three hookers were comparing notes about their customers from the night before.
"I entertained a cowboy last night," said the first.
"How did you know he was a cowboy?" asked the second.
"Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat and the boots on all the time we were together."
"Sounds like a cowboy, all right," the others agree.
"I entertained a lawyer," announced the second. "I could tell because he wore a three-piece suit and packed a briefcase. He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all the time."
They all agreed he sounded like a lawyer.
"I had a grain farmer for a client," commented the third.
"How could you possibly know he was a grain farmer?" one asked.
"First he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the fall."

 

 

 

[secondjag]

One mom was complaining about having to go to the athletic store to buy an athletic cup for her young son, who was seven years old and just starting in the soccer league.
She said, "The man asked me what size of an athletic cup I needed."
"I shrugged and held my thumb and index finger about an inch apart and said, 'He's about this big.'"
The man behind the counter said, "No, ma'am, what's his WAIST size?'"

 

Q. Why did the gay guy give his lover a blowjob after sex?
A. He wanted to have his cock and eat it too.

 Morris goes to visit his cardiologist in follow up after his life-threatening heart attack.
The doctor explains to Morris that he would be able to resume his active sex life as soon as he could climb three flights of stairs without becoming winded. Morris listens attentively and then says, "But what if I look for the women who live on the ground floor?"

Out in the Wild West, Jesse James's gang forces a train to stop, and Jesse climbs on board.
He bursts into a passenger car, pulls out his guns, and fires.
Blam! Blam!
"All right!" he yells. "I'm going to screw all the men and kill all the woman!"
Blam! Blam!
"That's right!" he growls. "I'm going to screw all the men and kill all the women!"
A guy in the front row says, "Uh, Mr. James, I think you've got it backwards."
Suddenly a high-pitched man's voice in the back calls out, "Excuse me, but Mr. James is robbing the train!"

 

[secondjag]

The attractive young Sarah was about to go to bed with her new boyfriend, Joe, when she burst into tears.
"I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me," she said between sobs. "I'm really not that kind of girl!"
"I believe you," Joe said, as he tried to comfort her.
"You're the first one," Sarah replied.
"The first one to make love to you?" Joe asked.
"No, silly," she replied. "The first one to believe me!"

 

Why did the blonde pee on the floor?
Because the sign said "wet floor."

A 3rd grade school teacher is trying to explain to her class the difference between singular and plural. She asks, "What is it if one woman looks out a window?" Little Maury replies, "Singular!" "Very good," says the teacher. "What is it if five women are looking out of a window?" Little Pauly raises his hand and says, "A brothel!"

Morris complained to his friend, Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring. "Get creative, Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?'...That's what I do," said Irving. "Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?" "Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full-length mirror for her birthday. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror looking at herself and asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow gradually larger over a period of some years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow?" she asks.
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your arse didn't it?"

There was a Chinese father named Cheng who was very close to his son. They used to go everywhere together including looking for "birds" (Chinese slang for prostitute).
One day, Chung the son decided to go overseas for study.
The father was very supportive, and before his son left, the father told him, "Chung we cannot look for chicken together for the next few years. However, if you need to look for chicken, please go ahead and I will pay for it. But please state the expense as 'Shooting Bird' so that your mother will not suspect."
So the son left, and after a month, the father received the bill from Chung, the son (shooting bird - $300).
Subsequently, and for the next few months, the bill for shooting bird is more than $700. Well, the father could not tolerate this, so he wrote to his son.
"Chung Son, you have been shooting too expensive bird, try some cheaper one".
A month later, Cheng, the father, received another bill from his son. On it he had written:
Shooting Bird - $50
Rifle Repair - $2,000

 

[secondjag]

One day at lunch several guys were engaged in a little friendly bragging about their sexual prowess and the dimensions of their members.

First one, then the next, would add his own exaggerations until the whole thing became quite ridiculous.

Then Bill said matter of factly "mine's about four inches."
There was stunned silence before one of the guys said, "Bill, you're kidding right?"
"Not at all, four inches," he said, with perfect sincerity. "You know, some women like it."
We all sat in embarrassed silence until Bill continued, "Of course, others complain it's just too wide."

The company hires a new man. He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up, he calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss excuses him.
Man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.
The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second Monday in a row.
Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, even faster and better than the previous week.
The following Monday, he calls his boss again. "I'm sick." Boss excuses him, but decides to call the man to task on Tuesday.
Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into his office. "What gives?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard worker, but you've only been here three weeks and you've called in sick every Monday."
Man says, "Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another and we end up making love all day long."
"Your sister!?!" says the boss. "That's disgusting!"
Man says, "I told you I was sick."

 

 

 

 

[secondjag]

Staring at an empty cage, a zoo visitor asks, "Where are all the monkeys?"
"It's mating season," the keeper replies. "They're inside."
"Do you think they'd come out for peanuts?"
"Probably not," answers the keeper.
"Why not?" persists the visitor.
"Would you?"

 

Steve Davis, the world champion snooker player, got married and it was the first night of his honeymoon. His beautiful wife lay spread across the bed wearing only a scanty silken black nightdress.
Presently Steve came out of the bathroom totally naked with a long stiff erection and walked slowly to the foot of the bed. He didn't utter a sound but simply stood there looking at her and chalking the end of his erect penis.
This went on for over ten minutes, the only movement being the slow rhythmic chalking of the tip of his penis and the movement of his head from side to side as he stared at her lying on the bed. Eventually, moist with excitement and shaking with anticipation she tore off her night dress and slowly spread her legs wide open waiting for him to take her.
Steve simply raised his eyebrows, cocked his head to the side and continued to slowly stroke the soft chalk across the glistening, throbbing penis as he stared intensely at the pleasures he saw between her outspread legs. It was too much for her to stand, writhing in an agony of expectation and frustration she screamed out, "For God's sake what are you waiting for?"
Steve gently stroked the chalk across his throbbing penis, blew the loose chalk off its end, smiled and looking even more closely between her smooth thighs quietly told her, "I'm trying to decide whether to go for the tight brown or the easy pink."

 

 

 

[secondjag]

Little Johnny is sitting in Social Studies class one day, and the teacher is going to go over agricultural stuff, like farms, and what not.

So, she asks the class how does a farmer tell the weather on his farm, nobody seems to know, ‘cept of course, little Johnny, who's frantically waving his hand with the answer, so she decides to let him try to answer the question.

Little Johnny says: the farmer uses a weather vane to tell the weather!"

[Ok, that wasn't so bad] So, the teacher then asks the class what kind of animal is the weather vane? Again no one but little Johnny seems to know the answer. Reluctantly she lets him answer.
Little Johnny sez with a big ol smile on his face: "why teacher, it's a cock!"

The teacher sighs to herself well after all it is. So next the teacher asks the class: " can anyone tell me why does the farmer use a cock on the barn as a weather vane?"
Of course, the same dumb blank look on all of the kids’ faces, ‘cept, of course, for Little Johnny, and again she reluctantly allows him to answer the question, knowing she's probably not gonna like the way he phrases it.
Little Johnny stands up in front of the whole class and sez with a really big grin on his face: "It’s a cock, cuz as everyone knows if it were a cunt, the fuckin wind would just blew right thru it!"

A lovely Russian lady came up to me at the mall and said "Please, I am looking for a one-night stand."
I had the shop shut up and the door locked before you could say Billybob, and we went to a bar for a couple of aperitifs, a nice restaurant, a club I know where they have a good floor-show, and then I took that lovely lady home and we had simply awesome sex, falling asleep in each other’s arms.

 As the sun peeped over the windowsill, I smiled sweetly at her sleepy face and said "So how was that?"
"Was wonderful," she said, "but I still have no place to put bedside lamp."

Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart. "I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for 'Mr. Right'," he said dejectedly. "That's a silly old romantic notion," laughed the coed. "I'm just waiting for Mr. Big."

 

A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went.

But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

 

 

[secondjag]

A Californian doctor examining a young blonde woman with abdominal pains asks her if she is sexually active.
She says that she is not.
An examination shows that she is pregnant.
Asked why she said she was not sexually active, the woman replied, "I'm not, I just lie there."
"Well, do you know who the father is?" the doctor asks.
With a puzzled look she replies, "No. Who?"

 

Mary: Larry and Karen are getting a divorce.
Jill: You're kidding! I thought they had so much in common.
Mary: Actually, that's the problem. They both like pussy.

A 60-year-old deputy U.S. attorney general in South Carolina lost his job after police discovered him at a cemetery with an 18-year-old stripper, a bag of sex toys, and a bottle of Viagra. To be fair, people do grieve differently.

Why did God give women multiple orgasms?
So they can fucking moan when they're happy, too. 

This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute.
A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green lump on the end of his penis.
The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for. He looks up and says, "I'm afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!"
"Operate?", exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?"
"Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You've developed the same sort of thing. You've got a brothel sprout."

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand-new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, one his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A gorgeous blonde standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the blonde sympathetically, "that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once."

 

 

[secondjag]

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil tycoon demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young wife.
"What's the problem?"
"I want to hit that adulteress bitch for breach of contract," snapped the magnate.
 "I don't know if that'll fly," replied the lawyer. "I mean, your wife isn't a piece of property, you do not own her."
"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drilling rights!"

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said.
So they ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117, and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

 

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your .

Bad: She keeps interrupting. 

Worse: With corrections.

 

 

 

[secondjag]

It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria.
An elderly matron sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young blonde woman beside her.
Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the blonde and bellowed with a loud voice, "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!"
"So would I!" quipped the blonde, "but you know, there just isn't TIME enough during a ten-minute coffee break."

 

There was a preacher in a church down South who was getting more and more distressed by all the "Sunday" Christians who showed up for church on Sunday but were not good Christians the rest of the week.

A fire-and-brimstone kind of guy, he got up in the pulpit one Sunday morning and laid into his congregation.
There is SIN in this Church!" he hollered. "You people are all sinners and I'm getting tired of it! Its time to confess to your sins before God and your fellow sinners. We are going to have a cleansing. Right here! Right now! CONFESS you sinners. Tell us your sins and clean yourself in the eyes of the Lord! Who's first?"
He walks down the aisle pointing at first one then another still hollering "Confess" and "Who will be first?"
One man in the back couldn't take it any longer and stood up. "I will preacher. I'm a sinner. I've been spending all my money drinking and whoring instead of taking care of my family." and the preacher yells back "Good! God will forgive you if you mend your ways." And to the audience, C'mon! Who's next? I want to hear it all!"
And another broke and stood. "I've hit my wife and children. Forgive me God!" and the preacher replied. "Yes! Yes! That's the way! Let me hear it all. Give it all to me." And then another man stood and said "I've taken money from my boss and then used that money to gamble." And again the preacher shouts out in ecstasy, "Yes! Yes! That's the way! Let me hear it all. Give it all to me. I want to hear EVERYBODY! Give it ALL to me!"
And still another man stood, and said in a firm voice: "I've had sex with a goat."
And the preacher replied in a calm voice "Damn, brother! I don't think I would confess to that!"

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation.
They begin to talk and bring each other up to date.
The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc., and finally gets around to their sex lives.
Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"
Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."
Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."
"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."

 

Once at the time of the world war, the soldiers were looting all villages, of food, wine and women.
Before they could enter one such village, the villagers decide to scoot, except for one young man, who had an 80-year-old grandmother. So, the soldiers found the one occupied house and tore inside.
"Bring us some food!" they demanded.
The young man said, "But I have only half a loaf of bread."
"War is War, bring us the food!" So he gives his last morsel of food.
"Bring us some wine!"
"But I doubt if there is any in the house, you know how things are these days!"
"War is War, bring us the wine!" So the young man manages half a bottle and gives it to them.
"Now, bring us a woman!" He said, "But everyone has left the village. The only female here is my 80-year-old grandmother!"
"War is War, bring her to us!"

The old woman is brought and she's so frail and weak that the soldiers decide against it and say, "We’ll let you off this time.'"
Granny says, "The hell you will, War is War!"

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, yellow, and purple.
The old man stared at him.
After a few minutes, the young man said sarcastically, "What's the matter you old geezer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

 

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy. "What would you say if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best friend?" she asked provocatively. "Well," he mused, "I'd say that you're a lesbian."

A tall Texan rancher in a tall Stetson hat strode into a rather sleazy cocktail lounge with his buddies. As he passed the veteran waitress bent over wiping a table, he slapped her on the ass and said, "Ah shore do wish Ah had a little pussy." She glanced up at him without stopping and said, "So do I. Mine's as big as your hat."

Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn?
She woke up with a kernel between her legs.

"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "you've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of the sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."
The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"
"I push them away."
"I see. What do you want me to do?"
The patient implored, "Break my arms."

Tarzan leaves the jungle, comes to civilization, and applies for a job.
Interviewer: Name?
Tarzan: Me Tarzan
Interviewer: Married?
Tarzan: Wife Jane
Interviewer: Children?
Tarzan: Son boy
Interviewer: Anything else to your name besides Tarzan?
Tarzan: Tarzan, King of the Jungle.
Interviewer: Jane's Whole Name?
Tarzan: Jane's Hole named Pussy.

 

 

 

[secondjag]

One doctor tells another. "I just have to talk to someone I am so guilt-ridden."
Second doctor says, "Well, you can tell me. I have a lot of doctors confiding in me, maybe I can help."
"Well for years and years now I have been having sex with my patients every chance I got, and I just have to get it off my chest."
"That is not too strange. A lot of doctors I know have sex with their patients; however, I will admit, not many of them are vets."

 

A polar bear and a penguin were walking along the snow dunes one day when the polar bear fell down into chasm. Try as he might, the poor polar bear couldn't get out.

The penguin did everything he could think of, but he couldn't rescue his friend.
Then a thought struck him! He said, "Hold on for a few minutes, I'll be right back!" He then ran off and returned in a few minutes driving his red Ferrari. He backed it up to the edge of the chasm and tied a rope to the end. With his friend holding on to the rope, he was able to pull him out to safety.
After the polar bear thanked the penguin for saving his life, they continued on their walk. Later on that very same day, the penguin fell into a similar chasm. Now, as everyone knows, polar bears can't drive. So it looked bad for the penguin.
Then the polar bear had an idea! He allowed his penis to swing down into the chasm, all the way to the bottom. The penguin gladly used it to climb his way to the top!
The moral of this story is: If you have a big enough penis, you don't need a Ferrari.

A blonde went into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300 she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money!! But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!"
The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?"
"Yes, anything," the blonde promised.
With that, the man said, "Follow me."
He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door."
She did. He then said, "Get on your knees."
She did.
Then he said, "Take down my zipper."
She did. He said, "Go ahead... take it out."
She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands.
The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well... go ahead!"
The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly "HELLO, MOM?"

 

 

 

[cucksean]

10 hours ago, secondjag said:

One doctor tells another. "I just have to talk to someone I am so guilt-ridden."
Second doctor says, "Well, you can tell me. I have a lot of doctors confiding in me, maybe I can help."
"Well for years and years now I have been having sex with my patients every chance I got, and I just have to get it off my chest."
"That is not too strange. A lot of doctors I know have sex with their patients; however, I will admit, not many of them are vets."

 

A polar bear and a penguin were walking along the snow dunes one day when the polar bear fell down into chasm. Try as he might, the poor polar bear couldn't get out.

The penguin did everything he could think of, but he couldn't rescue his friend.
Then a thought struck him! He said, "Hold on for a few minutes, I'll be right back!" He then ran off and returned in a few minutes driving his red Ferrari. He backed it up to the edge of the chasm and tied a rope to the end. With his friend holding on to the rope, he was able to pull him out to safety.
After the polar bear thanked the penguin for saving his life, they continued on their walk. Later on that very same day, the penguin fell into a similar chasm. Now, as everyone knows, polar bears can't drive. So it looked bad for the penguin.
Then the polar bear had an idea! He allowed his penis to swing down into the chasm, all the way to the bottom. The penguin gladly used it to climb his way to the top!
The moral of this story is: If you have a big enough penis, you don't need a Ferrari.

A blonde went into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300 she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money!! But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!"
The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?"
"Yes, anything," the blonde promised.
With that, the man said, "Follow me."
He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door."
She did. He then said, "Get on your knees."
She did.
Then he said, "Take down my zipper."
She did. He said, "Go ahead... take it out."
She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands.
The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well... go ahead!"
The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly "HELLO, MOM?"

 

 

 

Awesome Jag thanks

[secondjag]

An English landowner and his Irish manservant both died and went to Hell, all within a week of each other.

They ran into each other one day. "My lord," the Irishman exclaimed, "What are you doing here?"
The landowner sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?"
"For fathering that playboy son of yours," the Irishman replied.

A Rabbi from Peru
Was vainly attempting to screw.
His wife said "Oy vey"
If you keep up this way.
The Messiah will come before you.

There was a young man from Bombay
Who fashioned a cunt out of clay
But the heat from his prick
Turned the clay to a brick
And chaffed his foreskin away.

The census taker rang the doorbell and was quite surprised when the door was opened by a nude woman.
"Don't be alarmed," she said, "I'm a nudist."
Although somewhat embarrassed, the man proceeded to ask the routine questions.
When his asked, "How many children do you have?"
The lady replied, "Eighteen."
"Lady," he gasped, "you're not a nudist, you just don't have time to get dressed!"

 

 

 

 

[secondjag]

A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father's house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery.
As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl's feet.
"What's this, "she asked.
"Taste it," he replied, "If you like it, I'll give you a whole one!"

 

There was a young lady named Mandel
Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal
By coming out bare
On the main village square
And massaging herself with a candle.

There was a young lady named Mable

Who liked to sprawl out on the table,
Then cry to her man,
'Stuff in all you can -
Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able.'

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street.
Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned.
The Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila."
The Genie grants him his wish.
When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it.
He looks at the glass and it's clear...looks like tequila.
Then smells the liquid... smells like tequila. So, he takes a taste, and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"
She comes running down the hall, and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila.
Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard.
He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent, and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife, " Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"
Pancho raises the glass and says, "BECAUSE TONIGHT, MI AMOR, YOU DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE."

 

 

 

 

[secondjag]

he waitress was waiting about as patiently as could be expected while the guy was slowly going over the breakfast menu.

Being a smart ass, he said to the other guys in the booth, and loud enough for her to overhear, "I usually never return to a restaurant unless one of the sausages I'm served with my eggs is a match in size for my own."

The waitress gave him a disgusted look and commented, "In that case, maybe you should be looking at the children's menu."

Plato:  "Did you ever fuck your girlfriend in the other hole?"
Socrates:  "You are fuckin mad. I don't want to make her pregnant!

"Mom, hey, Mom! Lennie passed his bar exam, so we're going to get married next week!" The bride-to-be was ecstatic. "Gee, honey, don't you think you two should wait till he's been practicing for a year or so?" cautioned her mother. "Oh Mom," said the bride with a blush, "we've been practicing."

 A man walks into a pharmacy and buys a pack of condoms. The cashier asks him if he wants a bag. He replies, "No, she's not that ugly."

The 15-year old girl is going on her first date, and her mother warns her not to let the boy put his hands up her dress.
The girl agrees, and the mother is reassured that her will not let the boy put his hands up her dress.
The boy and girl go out, and after a movie and a nosh they are parked in lover's lane.
He makes a move and tries to put his hands up her dress.
She stops him once, twice and three times. He's all disappointed.
Then she tells him why, "I promised my mother that I wouldn't let you put your hands up my dress.
But, you can put your hands down the back of my dress, and it's the second hole you come to!"

 

 

 

[secondjag]

Frannie went to the doctor, saying she had a problem with her aviaries.
The doctor said, "Frannie, you're being silly. You mean ovaries.
Aviaries are where you find birds."
Frannie shook her head and said she meant aviaries.
Not prepared to argue, the doctor told her to get on the couch for an inspection.
After a quick look, he said, "Well, Frannie, you're right! There's been a cockatoo in there, too."

There was a young lady named Hicks
Who delighted to play with men's pricks,
Which she would embellish
With evident relish,
And make then stand up and do tricks.

 

One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.

"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say, 'it could have been worse'."
"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on."
About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw t! he man on the floor with the gun by his side.

"No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."
The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse??"
"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!"

Just as a young man was about to get a chest X-Ray, the equipment slipped and his pelvic region was X-Ray'd instead.
"Oh, no!" cried the lab technician." Your reproductive organs just received a dose of radiation!"
"What does that mean?" asked the worried young man.
"It's serious," replied the technician. "All your children may become lawyers!"

A man named José worked in the fields of a rural country cutting down trees. Every afternoon his wife, Maria, used to bring him his lunch.
Well one afternoon José got horny and started fucking the shit out of Maria, as they were doing it a bee flew by and stung her right next to her nipple.
Days went by and the swelling wouldn't go away, so José took her to the doctor.
The doctor took a look at it and said "Well we're going to have to get the puss out in order for her breast to heal, and the best way to do that is to suck it out."
José looked at the doctor and said "Isn't there another way?"
The doctor said "Nope, the old-fashion way is the best way for this."
So of course he believed the doctor and went along with it, so the doctor went off on Maria's tit, I mean he sucked the shit out of it, he had her moaning and everything.
A week later José while taking a piss got stung right on the tip of his dick so he went to the doctor.
The doctor took a look at it and said, "Holy shit, that things huge! I'll be right back, I'm going to go get a shot that will make the puss come right out."
José looked at him and said, "NO, no, no, like you said the old fashion way is the best way. Now start sucking!"

 

 

[cucksean]

7 hours ago, secondjag said:

Frannie went to the doctor, saying she had a problem with her aviaries.
The doctor said, "Frannie, you're being silly. You mean ovaries.
Aviaries are where you find birds."
Frannie shook her head and said she meant aviaries.
Not prepared to argue, the doctor told her to get on the couch for an inspection.
After a quick look, he said, "Well, Frannie, you're right! There's been a cockatoo in there, too."

There was a young lady named Hicks
Who delighted to play with men's pricks,
Which she would embellish
With evident relish,
And make then stand up and do tricks.

 

One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.

"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say, 'it could have been worse'."
"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on."
About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw t! he man on the floor with the gun by his side.

"No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."
The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse??"
"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!"

Just as a young man was about to get a chest X-Ray, the equipment slipped and his pelvic region was X-Ray'd instead.
"Oh, no!" cried the lab technician." Your reproductive organs just received a dose of radiation!"
"What does that mean?" asked the worried young man.
"It's serious," replied the technician. "All your children may become lawyers!"

A man named José worked in the fields of a rural country cutting down trees. Every afternoon his wife, Maria, used to bring him his lunch.
Well one afternoon José got horny and started fucking the shit out of Maria, as they were doing it a bee flew by and stung her right next to her nipple.
Days went by and the swelling wouldn't go away, so José took her to the doctor.
The doctor took a look at it and said "Well we're going to have to get the puss out in order for her breast to heal, and the best way to do that is to suck it out."
José looked at the doctor and said "Isn't there another way?"
The doctor said "Nope, the old-fashion way is the best way for this."
So of course he believed the doctor and went along with it, so the doctor went off on Maria's tit, I mean he sucked the shit out of it, he had her moaning and everything.
A week later José while taking a piss got stung right on the tip of his dick so he went to the doctor.
The doctor took a look at it and said, "Holy shit, that things huge! I'll be right back, I'm going to go get a shot that will make the puss come right out."
José looked at him and said, "NO, no, no, like you said the old fashion way is the best way. Now start sucking!"

 

 

Omg I am so happy you are back!  I missed the jokes so bad!! Thank you!!!!

[secondjag]

12 hours ago, cucksean said:

Omg I am so happy you are back!  I missed the jokes so bad!! Thank you!!!!

Much appreciated my friend

 

[secondjag]

Thomas and Tamara were attending a dinner party so that Thomas's mother could meet Tamara for the first time. Towards the end of the evening, Tamara approached Thomas and asked if there was a problem, as Thomas’s mother seemed to be avoiding her after the introduction.
"Honestly, my dear," Thomas said, "Mother finds you to be, how should I put it, a bit ‘on the crude side’."
"Crude? Doesn't she know that I come from one of the most respected families in Boston? That I was educated in Europe? That I attended the finest finishing schools on the East Coast? That I attended Vassar, graduating Magna Cum Laude?" Tamara asked.
"Yes, yes, my love, I told her all that," Thomas replied.
"Then where in the fuck does that bitch come off with all that crude bullshit?"

 

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE!

Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good-looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.

Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond.

I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.

Kiss me and I'm yours.

Call 555-5555 and ask for Daisy."

Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Local Humane Society about an eight-week-old black LABRADOR retriever.

This young lady, sitting in a wheelchair at the local city pub, said that she had to leave.
Her drinking companion Bill, being somewhat of a noble fellow, decided that, as her home was uphill and some streets away, offered to push her home.
On the way home, they stopped to rest and to chat.
Full of alcoholic bravado, he remarked that she was a good-looking gal and that it was too bad that, being a cripple, she probably didn't get much chance for any normal escapades.
Surprisingly, she answered quite boldly that this was not the case.
In fact, she said, "if you look in the alleyway you will see a hook imbedded in the wall.  If you will attach my braces to that hook, we can easily have a fine time."
No sooner said than done and they had a wonderful time.
At the end, he carefully unhooked her, placed her back in the wheelchair, and took her home.
As he was saying goodnight, her father came to the door and invited the young man in for a nightcap after he took his up to bed.
When he came down, the father was so friendly and nice that Bill's conscience began to prod him.
Blushing somewhat, he admitted to the father that he had "had his way" with his .
The father took the statement with such good graces that Bill had to ask why he was being treated so well after doing such a dastardly thing to his .
The father looked at him quite seriously and said, "I knew you were a good man the moment you came in the door. Most of her other dates leave her hanging on that goddam hook!"

The army recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They went through lots of retirement plans, but nothing seemed to please everyone.
In the end, desperate, they promised any general who retired immediately his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his up-stretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine General, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis to my testicles."
The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine general insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.
The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.
"My God man!" he said. "Where are your testicles??"
"Vietnam," smiled the general.

 

[secondjag]

Mike:  Hey buddy, what’s wrong? 

Paddy:  Just had a big fight with the wife.  That woman fights for no frickin’ reason at all. 

Mike:  Why? What happened? 

Paddy:  We were both very excited and were just about to start having sex.  She removed her jeans and then her top, when I asked, “Why are you wearing your sister’s bra?” 

And that’s how the fight started.

There's a tavern in London that's staffed,
By a barmaid who's tops at her craft.
In her striving to please,
She serves ale on her knees,
So the patrons get head with their draft.

 

The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital, and the emergency nurse was ordered to prepare the body for the undertaker.
Removing his clothes, she discovered that the young man had died with the most massive ERECTION she had ever seen.
Unable to take her eyes off it, she finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled the stiff and proceeded to enjoy herself.
She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse came in and saw her and promptly reprimanded her for her obscene behavior.
"What's the harm?" shot back the first nurse.
"I enjoyed it, and HE surely didn't mind it. Besides, he can't complain and I can't get pregnant. Why don't YOU give it a try too?"
"Oh, I can't possibly," said the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's dead and second, I've got my period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants you."
And so, the first nurse left.
The second nurse got to work, but soon found herself terribly excited by this massive hard-on and finally climbed on top of it.
Just as she was starting to cum, she was astonished to feel the man climax too!
Looking down and seeing his eyelids starting to flutter, she exclaimed in shock, "I thought you were dead!"
"Lady, I thought I was too," said the man, "until you gave me that blood transfusion."

 

 

 

 

[secondjag]

I was sitting around yesterday at lunch, with a few of my co-workers, when the subject of (what else,) sex came up. Now Billy-Bob (he runs the fork lift) says "Last night I made love to my wife three times!  This morning, she was so happy she made me my favorite breakfast of eggs and grits."
Now Jim-Bob, (the fertilizer inspector) not to be outdone by his cousin Billy-Bob, he says, "That's nothing.  Last night I made love to my wife five times.  She was so happy, she not only made me my favorite breakfast of biscuits and gravy, she told me I was the best in the world and she could never love another man."
Well, they then looked at me, waiting for me to say something. Finally, I just said in a quiet voice, "I just made love to my wife once last night, and she didn't fix me anything for breakfast."

Well, they started laughing, and finally Jim-Bob asks me, "Well, hell, did she say anything to you this morning?" "Just two words," I answered. "Don't stop!"

I told my kids, “Someday, you’ll have kids of your own.”

One of them said, “So will you.”

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!” After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?” “No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

 

Two accountants go to their credit union on their lunch break, when armed robbers burst in.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line-up the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables. 

While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand.

Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" 

 Number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So, the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

 

 

[secondjag]

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is, indeed, pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your for the rest of her life.
"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000 bank account."
"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account."
"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"
All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, 'You'll try again."

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he has a bright orange penis. The doctor takes a look and sure enough, the man's penis is bright orange.
The doctor asks the man about his daily habits to see if he could get a clue about the cause of the malady.
The man says, "My day is pretty normal. I get up in the morning and go to work. My work is at a desk in an office so I don't come into contact with any strange chemicals. I come home after work, make myself dinner, watch a little TV then get ready for bed."
The doctor asks, "Do you do anything before bed?"
The man says, "Nothing unusual, I just eat Cheetos and surf the web."