Identity Crisis — Now that I’m not married, what am I?

[Guest SandL]

Hellos to all 🤗. I used to write on here quite a bit and recently proclaimed/admitted/declared that I’m no longer married. With that, I know that I’m opening myself up to some for comments that are sometimes supportive, sometimes honest but hurtful and sometimes just meant to be cruel. And that’s okay. I don’t know if anyone has gone through what I’m going through right now (I’m sure I’m not the only one), but if this can somehow open up avenues where I could find advice or even offer help for others, then I guess its worth it. 

So disclaimer aside — I’m Lexi. I was married and very much in love — actually I still am — but that’s no longer a two way street. I won’t go into all of that, but the gist of it is — regardless of how we started, ours became a “sort of cuckold” marriage. I say “sort of cuckold’ because while I had lots of sex with black men who weren’t my husband, I still very much enjoyed having sex with my husband. In no way shape or form was the sex I had with my husband the same as the sex I had with other men (only 3 black men other than my husband). If it was, why would I have sex with other men? But I still very much enjoyed it. To be clear though, sex with my husband began to morph into something other than the normal “making love” we used to share. We did do that, but over time our sex also started to include control, teasing (some say conditioning but i say teasing (i have a separate post about that on here somewhere)) and often times our sex would be of the cuckold variety. But we still enjoyed it — though I’m not sure that our enjoyment was as equal as I once thought. We separated for a short time and then got back together. During the separation I was willing to do anything to get my husband back — in my head and in my heart, i was willing to give up sex with other men entirely. I really was. At least I think I was. Regardless of what was conscious or subconscious or just plain lying to myself — it felt intensely genuine. But as we “restarted”...we both came to realize that the changes in our sexual life and preferences could not be undone. I just couldn’t go back. In some ways the saying is true — at least for me — once you go black, you never go back. That’s not to say that I will only have sex with black men — that’s not true at all. I miss sex with my white husband. Strangely, maybe more than I missed sex with black men when I stopped for a while. But neither will I ever stop having sex with black men. Maybe its not just black men in general — maybe its the black men that I’ve had sex with. My experience is pretty limited. But the black men I have had sex with — its just intoxicating to me. The smells, tastes, feelings, power, dominance ( I could go on and on) just have a draw to me I can’t resist. Sincerely. If I see an attractive black man in the grocery store or at a restaurant or shopping or a bar or in a galaxy far, far away (😂)...I immediately go into “flirt with my eyes” mode. My heart races a little, a smile comes out ... I wait for that melting “eye contact” that black men do so well and then let my eyes drift down his body. (Oh gosh I think I need to go to the store 😊) Obviously, that hasn’t worked as often as I would like ... but the black men that I have had sex with — its been life changing. Literally. 

But at the same time, its not as satisfying as it once was. I’m not talking about the sex itself... that is beyond satisfying. I’ve been having lots of sex with a black man lately and I could tell many stories of the way that man satisfies me! But there’s still something missing. I’ve thought about this a lot lately. Trying to figure myself out and why I do what I do and what I want for myself in the future. And what I’ve come to understand, is that I miss the teasing and control and being watched that my “sort of cuckold” marriage gave me. I really miss it. For instance: not the last time I was with my new guy, but the time before — he stayed all night for the first time. And it was quite literally an all nighter! He’s my first younger guy but wowzers! That man can fuck. He’s big in all the right ways. He’s not quite as long as my others (though not by much) but he’s really thick (feeling a man with a THICK black cock pulse inside you while cumming is like nothing else in the world) ...not to mention the fact that he knows what he’s doing! He fucked me in the living room and then we went to my bedroom and he fucked me there then we took a nap until I wanted more ... after I enjoyed him with my mouth he fucked me in the bed again ... we fell asleep and then he fucked me on the bathroom counter and then in the shower and then in the bed one more time. In every possible way I was filled and fulfilled 😊. But at the same time — after my screams died down and my body stopped shaking and trembling ... something was missing. The sex was amazing — but in some strange way it was incomplete. I had no one to talk to about it after. I had no one to say “did my little cuck like watching that” to. I had no one‘s chest to straddle and slowly slide up and convince to cleaning me in my super cute way. And I didn’t have someone to make love to me after I had been thoroughly fucked. 

I’m not sure what that makes me. Some might say that I belong in a true cuckold marriage. But because I miss sex with my husband, some might say I should be in a hotwife/stag relationship. I don’t know. But I also know, that I don’t really have any desire to tease or control just any man. I want it to be a man or the man that I really love. I don’t know if I will ever find that again ... I really can’t envision being able to love a man the way I loved/love my husband. 

All I have figured out so far is that sex has changed me. I just don’t know what those exact changes are or mean. And its left me both lonely and confused and frustrated. If I’m not having sex, I’m either crying about what I don’t have or worrying about what I don’t know. I think I’m a genuinely good person. I’m kind to people. I try to help people. I think that overall men would consider me a good candidate for marriage. But my sexual preferences have changed so much that they have limited who I could make happy. 

Anyway. I guess I wrote this because I like writing and hopeful that some might have gone through something similar and could offer advice. I’ve gotten some really good advice already from several people on here in private chats. And I can’t say how much I appreciate the support and the help you have give me. I love you all for it. But maybe there are others. 

Anyway — have a great Saturday. I have a few hours before another sleep over 😊. 

 

Lexi 

[secondjag]

Baby, what an intelligent, well thought out post.  I'm sure it will resonate with a lot of people.

I am SURE you are going to be surprised at the number of men who are not creeps or wierdos that will gravitate to you as time goes on.  More and more men are finding they like this lifestyle and many of them are successful bright people with good hearts.

As for yourself, you have started a journey most women are afraid to take.  Understanding self is often painful, difficult, and long time coming. But so worth it.

As you have already discovered, sex is just sex.  Your boy toys are just that.  Dildos attached to bodies.  Have as many as you like.

You are a stunning woman with a keen mind.

Trust me, it'll all work out. 

[Guest SandL]

That was so sweet daddy! You made me cry a little it was so sweet. I’m hoping for what you said ... I’m not giving up. Its just that my personality, especially the last few years, has been more on the impulsive side than on the patient one. But its something i need to learn. And I’m trying. Thank you so much ❤️ 💕 ❤️ 

[secondjag]

1 minute ago, SandL said:

That was so sweet daddy! You made me cry a little it was so sweet. I’m hoping for what you said ... I’m not giving up. Its just that my personality, especially the last few years, has been more on the impulsive side than on the patient one. But its something i need to learn. And I’m trying. Thank you so much ❤️ 💕 ❤️ 

Patience comes with wisdom and age angel.  Nothing wrong with your personality.  

You are most welcome and with much love.

[Guest SandL]

2 minutes ago, secondjag said:

Patience comes with wisdom and age angel.  Nothing wrong with your personality.  

You are most welcome and with much love.

And much love to you 😍 

[robert smith]

I can somewhat relate to your situation.  My first wife and I were active in the "Hotwife" lifestyle and enjoyed the a planning, anticipation, actual sex , the afterglow and talking about it during and after.  I never forget the first time my wife took a lover in her ass.  "He slipped his cock in her butt and I got the pleasure of watching my lovely wife get ass fucked by a 22 year old.  She looked at me and asked if I liked watching her get fucked in the ass.  I smiled and nodded yes and Todd said he didn't know about me, but he loved it.  I said bang her ass hard and he did."  Those are the type of conversations and experiences you can not enjoy with one partner. 

After my divorce I was lost for awhile too.  The sex seemed to be missing that extra spark. I decided to become a bull for other couples.  It was actually by accident.  A lady at a bar bought me a drink and we started talking.  She was attractive and I thought we would hook up before the night was over.  When I asked her to leave with me she said she would fuck me but it would have to be at her house and with her husband present.  I greed and we had great sex but after I came the second time they thanked me and asked me to leave.  When I got home I had empty feeling because I was by myself and had no wife to talk to about our sexy night.  After a couple years I met Elaine and talked her into the lifestyle and we have been together for over 30 years.  Maybe you will find someone you can share your sexual experiences with again.  Good Luck.  You sound like a fabulous lady

[Guest SandL]

Thank you very much. That helps a lot. That you were able to find what you found in Elaine gives me hope. Thanks! 🤗 

[robert smith]

When I really started liking Elaine I knew deep down I would never be truly happy if I had to live the rest of my live in a monogamous relationship.  After about a year I decided to broach the idea of sharing her.  Started with sex talk in the bedroom.  While having sex she acted willing saying it might be fun, but nothing ever actually happened.  I knew for our relationship to go further I was going to have to press the issue to see if she ! was all talk and no action.  I kept telling her to pick out some guy she would like to fuck.  I didn't care if it was old lover or friend.  She said she could not approach someone about having sex with them if she really loved me.  Luckily she finally gave in and we have enjoyed many great and different experiences as a couple.  I wish you well

[Guest SandL]

And the same well wishes for you Robert. 😊 

[robert smith]

Did you and your ex ever take any photos you can share?

[mastermind2009]

On 11/23/2019 at 9:15 PM, SandL said:

Hellos to all 🤗. I used to write on here quite a bit and recently proclaimed/admitted/declared that I’m no longer married. With that, I know that I’m opening myself up to some for comments that are sometimes supportive, sometimes honest but hurtful and sometimes just meant to be cruel. And that’s okay. I don’t know if anyone has gone through what I’m going through right now (I’m sure I’m not the only one), but if this can somehow open up avenues where I could find advice or even offer help for others, then I guess its worth it. 

So disclaimer aside — I’m Lexi. I was married and very much in love — actually I still am — but that’s no longer a two way street. I won’t go into all of that, but the gist of it is — regardless of how we started, ours became a “sort of cuckold” marriage. I say “sort of cuckold’ because while I had lots of sex with black men who weren’t my husband, I still very much enjoyed having sex with my husband. In no way shape or form was the sex I had with my husband the same as the sex I had with other men (only 3 black men other than my husband). If it was, why would I have sex with other men? But I still very much enjoyed it. To be clear though, sex with my husband began to morph into something other than the normal “making love” we used to share. We did do that, but over time our sex also started to include control, teasing (some say conditioning but i say teasing (i have a separate post about that on here somewhere)) and often times our sex would be of the cuckold variety. But we still enjoyed it — though I’m not sure that our enjoyment was as equal as I once thought. We separated for a short time and then got back together. During the separation I was willing to do anything to get my husband back — in my head and in my heart, i was willing to give up sex with other men entirely. I really was. At least I think I was. Regardless of what was conscious or subconscious or just plain lying to myself — it felt intensely genuine. But as we “restarted”...we both came to realize that the changes in our sexual life and preferences could not be undone. I just couldn’t go back. In some ways the saying is true — at least for me — once you go black, you never go back. That’s not to say that I will only have sex with black men — that’s not true at all. I miss sex with my white husband. Strangely, maybe more than I missed sex with black men when I stopped for a while. But neither will I ever stop having sex with black men. Maybe its not just black men in general — maybe its the black men that I’ve had sex with. My experience is pretty limited. But the black men I have had sex with — its just intoxicating to me. The smells, tastes, feelings, power, dominance ( I could go on and on) just have a draw to me I can’t resist. Sincerely. If I see an attractive black man in the grocery store or at a restaurant or shopping or a bar or in a galaxy far, far away (😂)...I immediately go into “flirt with my eyes” mode. My heart races a little, a smile comes out ... I wait for that melting “eye contact” that black men do so well and then let my eyes drift down his body. (Oh gosh I think I need to go to the store 😊) Obviously, that hasn’t worked as often as I would like ... but the black men that I have had sex with — its been life changing. Literally. 

But at the same time, its not as satisfying as it once was. I’m not talking about the sex itself... that is beyond satisfying. I’ve been having lots of sex with a black man lately and I could tell many stories of the way that man satisfies me! But there’s still something missing. I’ve thought about this a lot lately. Trying to figure myself out and why I do what I do and what I want for myself in the future. And what I’ve come to understand, is that I miss the teasing and control and being watched that my “sort of cuckold” marriage gave me. I really miss it. For instance: not the last time I was with my new guy, but the time before — he stayed all night for the first time. And it was quite literally an all nighter! He’s my first younger guy but wowzers! That man can fuck. He’s big in all the right ways. He’s not quite as long as my others (though not by much) but he’s really thick (feeling a man with a THICK black cock pulse inside you while cumming is like nothing else in the world) ...not to mention the fact that he knows what he’s doing! He fucked me in the living room and then we went to my bedroom and he fucked me there then we took a nap until I wanted more ... after I enjoyed him with my mouth he fucked me in the bed again ... we fell asleep and then he fucked me on the bathroom counter and then in the shower and then in the bed one more time. In every possible way I was filled and fulfilled 😊. But at the same time — after my screams died down and my body stopped shaking and trembling ... something was missing. The sex was amazing — but in some strange way it was incomplete. I had no one to talk to about it after. I had no one to say “did my little cuck like watching that” to. I had no one‘s chest to straddle and slowly slide up and convince to cleaning me in my super cute way. And I didn’t have someone to make love to me after I had been thoroughly fucked. 

I’m not sure what that makes me. Some might say that I belong in a true cuckold marriage. But because I miss sex with my husband, some might say I should be in a hotwife/stag relationship. I don’t know. But I also know, that I don’t really have any desire to tease or control just any man. I want it to be a man or the man that I really love. I don’t know if I will ever find that again ... I really can’t envision being able to love a man the way I loved/love my husband. 

All I have figured out so far is that sex has changed me. I just don’t know what those exact changes are or mean. And its left me both lonely and confused and frustrated. If I’m not having sex, I’m either crying about what I don’t have or worrying about what I don’t know. I think I’m a genuinely good person. I’m kind to people. I try to help people. I think that overall men would consider me a good candidate for marriage. But my sexual preferences have changed so much that they have limited who I could make happy. 

Anyway. I guess I wrote this because I like writing and hopeful that some might have gone through something similar and could offer advice. I’ve gotten some really good advice already from several people on here in private chats. And I can’t say how much I appreciate the support and the help you have give me. I love you all for it. But maybe there are others. 

Anyway — have a great Saturday. I have a few hours before another sleep over 😊. 

 

Lexi 

Don't worry and don't loose heart. Steve would have to go as he was not able to keep pace with the Lexi/SandL  when she appeared in her real Avatar. Actually he has not gone rather he has paved way for someone who has those real qualities which can make him compatible with this newly born Lexi/SandL. You are a beautiful soul. Just have patience. You will soon find your soul mate. Till then just keep enjoying your black studs. I wish you all the best. Moreover whenever you feel lonely and depressed share your thoughts here. Here is a full family of cucks, bulls and hot wives to make you feel good.

 

 

[Dipslide]

On 11/23/2019 at 7:45 AM, SandL said:

Hellos to all 🤗. I used to write on here quite a bit and recently proclaimed/admitted/declared that I’m no longer married. With that, I know that I’m opening myself up to some for comments that are sometimes supportive, sometimes honest but hurtful and sometimes just meant to be cruel. And that’s okay. I don’t know if anyone has gone through what I’m going through right now (I’m sure I’m not the only one), but if this can somehow open up avenues where I could find advice or even offer help for others, then I guess its worth it. 

So disclaimer aside — I’m Lexi. I was married and very much in love — actually I still am — but that’s no longer a two way street. I won’t go into all of that, but the gist of it is — regardless of how we started, ours became a “sort of cuckold” marriage. I say “sort of cuckold’ because while I had lots of sex with black men who weren’t my husband, I still very much enjoyed having sex with my husband. In no way shape or form was the sex I had with my husband the same as the sex I had with other men (only 3 black men other than my husband). If it was, why would I have sex with other men? But I still very much enjoyed it. To be clear though, sex with my husband began to morph into something other than the normal “making love” we used to share. We did do that, but over time our sex also started to include control, teasing (some say conditioning but i say teasing (i have a separate post about that on here somewhere)) and often times our sex would be of the cuckold variety. But we still enjoyed it — though I’m not sure that our enjoyment was as equal as I once thought. We separated for a short time and then got back together. During the separation I was willing to do anything to get my husband back — in my head and in my heart, i was willing to give up sex with other men entirely. I really was. At least I think I was. Regardless of what was conscious or subconscious or just plain lying to myself — it felt intensely genuine. But as we “restarted”...we both came to realize that the changes in our sexual life and preferences could not be undone. I just couldn’t go back. In some ways the saying is true — at least for me — once you go black, you never go back. That’s not to say that I will only have sex with black men — that’s not true at all. I miss sex with my white husband. Strangely, maybe more than I missed sex with black men when I stopped for a while. But neither will I ever stop having sex with black men. Maybe its not just black men in general — maybe its the black men that I’ve had sex with. My experience is pretty limited. But the black men I have had sex with — its just intoxicating to me. The smells, tastes, feelings, power, dominance ( I could go on and on) just have a draw to me I can’t resist. Sincerely. If I see an attractive black man in the grocery store or at a restaurant or shopping or a bar or in a galaxy far, far away (😂)...I immediately go into “flirt with my eyes” mode. My heart races a little, a smile comes out ... I wait for that melting “eye contact” that black men do so well and then let my eyes drift down his body. (Oh gosh I think I need to go to the store 😊) Obviously, that hasn’t worked as often as I would like ... but the black men that I have had sex with — its been life changing. Literally. 

But at the same time, its not as satisfying as it once was. I’m not talking about the sex itself... that is beyond satisfying. I’ve been having lots of sex with a black man lately and I could tell many stories of the way that man satisfies me! But there’s still something missing. I’ve thought about this a lot lately. Trying to figure myself out and why I do what I do and what I want for myself in the future. And what I’ve come to understand, is that I miss the teasing and control and being watched that my “sort of cuckold” marriage gave me. I really miss it. For instance: not the last time I was with my new guy, but the time before — he stayed all night for the first time. And it was quite literally an all nighter! He’s my first younger guy but wowzers! That man can fuck. He’s big in all the right ways. He’s not quite as long as my others (though not by much) but he’s really thick (feeling a man with a THICK black cock pulse inside you while cumming is like nothing else in the world) ...not to mention the fact that he knows what he’s doing! He fucked me in the living room and then we went to my bedroom and he fucked me there then we took a nap until I wanted more ... after I enjoyed him with my mouth he fucked me in the bed again ... we fell asleep and then he fucked me on the bathroom counter and then in the shower and then in the bed one more time. In every possible way I was filled and fulfilled 😊. But at the same time — after my screams died down and my body stopped shaking and trembling ... something was missing. The sex was amazing — but in some strange way it was incomplete. I had no one to talk to about it after. I had no one to say “did my little cuck like watching that” to. I had no one‘s chest to straddle and slowly slide up and convince to cleaning me in my super cute way. And I didn’t have someone to make love to me after I had been thoroughly fucked. 

I’m not sure what that makes me. Some might say that I belong in a true cuckold marriage. But because I miss sex with my husband, some might say I should be in a hotwife/stag relationship. I don’t know. But I also know, that I don’t really have any desire to tease or control just any man. I want it to be a man or the man that I really love. I don’t know if I will ever find that again ... I really can’t envision being able to love a man the way I loved/love my husband. 

All I have figured out so far is that sex has changed me. I just don’t know what those exact changes are or mean. And its left me both lonely and confused and frustrated. If I’m not having sex, I’m either crying about what I don’t have or worrying about what I don’t know. I think I’m a genuinely good person. I’m kind to people. I try to help people. I think that overall men would consider me a good candidate for marriage. But my sexual preferences have changed so much that they have limited who I could make happy. 

Anyway. I guess I wrote this because I like writing and hopeful that some might have gone through something similar and could offer advice. I’ve gotten some really good advice already from several people on here in private chats. And I can’t say how much I appreciate the support and the help you have give me. I love you all for it. But maybe there are others. 

Anyway — have a great Saturday. I have a few hours before another sleep over 😊. 

 

Lexi 

Mad props to you, that you can pour your heart at great personal risk. Thank you so much!

[Guest SandL]

23 hours ago, mastermind2009 said:

Don't worry and don't loose heart. Steve would have to go as he was not able to keep pace with the Lexi/SandL  when she appeared in her real Avatar. Actually he has not gone rather he has paved way for someone who really deserve you as a wife and who has those real qualities which can make him compatible with this newly born Lexi/SandL. You are a beautiful soul. Just have patience. You will soon find your soul mate. Till then just keep enjoying your black studs. I wish you all the best. Moreover whenever you feel lonely and depressed share your thoughts here. Here is a full family of cucks, bulls and hot wives to make you feel good.

 

 

Thank you for your sweet thoughts. My only objection is to the idea that Steve doesn’t “deserve me as a wife” ... I still love him and think he deserves the very best. It’s not about deserving anymore. 

[Guest SandL]

16 hours ago, Dipslide said:

Mad props to you, that you can pour your heart at great personal risk. Thank you so much!

Thanks! But now I’m even more scared of the “great personal risk”! But thanks 😊 

[mastermind2009]

7 minutes ago, SandL said:

Thank you for your sweet thoughts. My only objection is to the idea that Steve doesn’t “deserve me as a wife” ... I still love him and think he deserves the very best. It’s not about deserving anymore. 

I take my words back and I am going to edit my comment to the same extent. This objection shows that you are genuinely a good woman who is kind at heart (however naughty kitten with a black bull and cuck hubby 😉). 

[Guest SandL]

2 minutes ago, mastermind2009 said:

I take my words back and I am going to edit my comment to the same extent. This objection shows that you are genuinely a good woman who is kind at heart (however naughty kitten with a black bull and cuck hubby 😉). 

No worries ... i wasn’t upset with what you said. Just making it clear that I don’t blame Steve. 😊 

[Naughty Nicki]

A UNICORN !!!!

[captainblack]

If you and Steve are not going to reconcile then to be happy I suspect you will have to find a wannabe cuckold who is single.  Of course make it known here, but also jump onto fetlife.com and join the various cuckold groups and make it known, but do not run right to another relationship.  For now if you and Steve are beyond getting back together take time to mourn and only after you are done mourning look for a new cuckold.

I am helping a girl in NYC right now find a new cuckold.  She took 2 years off from having a cuck when he was no longer in her life.

[Guest SandL]

5 hours ago, Naughty Nicki said:

A UNICORN !!!!

Yay! A pink one? 

[Guest SandL]

59 minutes ago, captainblack said:

If you and Steve are not going to reconcile then to be happy I suspect you will have to find a wannabe cuckold who is single.  Of course make it known here, but also jump onto fetlife.com and join the various cuckold groups and make it known, but do not run right to another relationship.  For now if you and Steve are beyond getting back together take time to mourn and only after you are done mourning look for a new cuckold.

I am helping a girl in NYC right now find a new cuckold.  She took 2 years off from having a cuck when he was no longer in her life.

I’m not rushing into anything. I can’t imagine it to be honest...

[secondjag]

2 hours ago, SandL said:

I’m not rushing into anything. I can’t imagine it to be honest...

you take your time baby.  lol, we're not going anywhere

[Naughty Nicki]

8 hours ago, SandL said:

Yay! A pink one? 

Who doesn’t like pink.  Hehehe. 

[Guest SandL]

55 minutes ago, Naughty Nicki said:

Who doesn’t like pink.  Hehehe. 

Ummmmmm I ❤️ 👆 

[Guest SandL]

7 hours ago, secondjag said:

you take your time baby.  lol, we're not going anywhere

Thanks Daddy! 😊 

[Lustman]

A very touching and thoughtful post Lexi - I'm sure when the time is right you'll be able to heal and mentally move on to the sort of relationship you and your husband/cuck had originally.

Some great advice from the posts on here, there are certainly so many wannabe single cuckolds around, if reading various related forums are anything to go by but it isn't just that you're after, it's the relationship not just sex. 

 

Lustman