Umm

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A polar bear and a penguin were walking along the snow dunes one day when the polar bear fell down into chasm. Try as he might, the poor polar bear couldn't get out.

The penguin did everything he could think of, but he couldn't rescue his friend.

Then a thought struck him! He said, "Hold on for a few minutes, I'll be right back!" He then ran off and returned in a few minutes driving his red Ferrari. He backed it up to the edge of the chasm and tied a rope to the end. With his friend holding on to the rope, he was able to pull him out to safety.

After the polar bear thanked the penguin for saving his life, they continued on their walk. Later on that very same day, the penguin fell into a similar chasm. Now, as everyone knows, polar bears can't drive. So it looked bad for the penguin.

Then the polar bear had an idea! He allowed his penis to swing down into the chasm, all the way to the bottom. The penguin gladly used it to climb his way to the top!

The moral of this story is: If you have a big enough penis, you don't need a Ferrari.

 

 

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A very badly beaten up man came to hospital.

Doctor asked what the hell had happened to him.

He said, “I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

She said, ‘It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!’

Thinking back, I really should have run, but you don't get offers like that every day.”

 

 

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are lying in bed one night.

Sherlock runs off to the kitchen and comes back with a jar of lemon curd.

Quickly he turns Dr Watson over onto his knees and starts smearing it around his bum.

"Sherlock, what the hell are you doing?" Dr Watson gasps.

Sherlock smiles and replies.

"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson."

 

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birthday laughs

 

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Bruce and Sheila were spending the day at Sydney’s Zoo.

Sheila was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and VB singlet.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at Sheila in the pink dress.

Bruce noticed the excitement, and thought this was funny.

Bruce then suggested that his missus tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then Bruce suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now..... show your thighs and fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flip-flops.  

She seemed to be getting a bit aroused, herself, at this fun.

Then Bruce grabbed his missus, ripped down the top of her dress, opened the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

He then said to her, "Now. Tell him you have a headache!"

 

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Bruce and his mate, Robbo, are having a few beers and are discussing a long running dilemma: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Robbo says, “Women believe that giving birth is more painful than a bloke getting kicked in the nuts.”

Bruce, after another beer and some heavy deductive thinking, came up with the answer to that question. Bruce reckoned that getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby.
“Look mate, he said, it's like this, OK? A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, ‘It might be nice to have another child.’
“On the other hand, you’ll never hear a bloke say, ‘You know, it's been a year since my last one, I reckon I would like another kick in the nuts now’.”

 

Bruce and and Sheila were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while they were in bed. He turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered.

Bruce then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at him this time simply saying, “Yes.” So, he said, “I’d like to phone a friend.”

 

Q: Why did the hillbilly cross the road?
A: His dick was stuck in a chicken.

 

With deep concern, Brian noted that his friend, Peter, was far drunker than he'd ever seen him before.
He walked over to the bar and asked, "What's the trouble, buddy?"
"It's a woman," replied Peter. "What else?"
"Tell me about it," coaxed Brian.
"It's your wife," replied Peter.

Brian asked, "MY wife? What about her?"
Peter turned and looked Brian in the eye and said, "Well, buddy-boy, I'm afraid she's cheating on us."’

 

Jack came home and found his roommate, Jim, sitting there all dejected.
"What's wrong, Jim? What happened to you?"
"I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a sixty-plus year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all! I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot dau . We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double."
"What's that?" Jack asked.
"It's a mother-and-dau  threesome," she said, "with one man."

As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her dau might look like, I answered, "No, I haven't."

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, "Well, tonight's gonna be your lucky night!"

We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, 'Mom?... You still awake?'"

 

 

 

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A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"

She said that she did.
He asked, "Does it hurt you?"

She said that it didn't.
The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

The doctor replied, "Of course, yes. Where do you think attorneys come from?"

 

 

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A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.

The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"

"Yes," says the rabbi. "For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately."
"So, I can't dance with my own wife?"
"No."
"Well, okay," says the man, "but what about sex?"
"Fine," says the rabbi.
"What about different positions?" the man asks.
"No problem," says the rabbi.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Why not?" replies the rabbi.
"How about doggie-style?"
"Of course!"
"Well, what about standing up?"
"No!" says the rabbi.
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing!"

 

The Day the Penis asked for a Pay Raise

 I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
Often have to work in confined spaces
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessment and considering the arguments you have raised, we reject your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace  carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,

V. Gina

Meanwhile at the VFW

 Two old retired Master Gunnery Sergeants at the bar in the local VFW.

The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got an erection, I couldn't bend it with both of my hands.

By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I really tried hard.

By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem.

I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with one hand"

So, says the second marine, what's your point?

Well, says the first, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get.

The Hitchhiker and the Trucker

 A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard.

After a few miles he asks the driver what the monkey is for.

The driver says "I'll show you" and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.
The monkey goes down between the driver’s legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker head.

When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.

"See that" said the trucker.
The man said "Yeah".
The trucker ask the man "You want to try it?"
The man said "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"

A Perfect Baby

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman, so they could produce children beyond comparison.
With that he began his mission to find the perfect woman.
After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."
The man dated the first .
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well" said the man, "She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls. The man went out with the second .
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better.
The morning after the man dated the third , the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!"
They were married right away.
Months later, the had a baby.
When the man visited nursery, he was horrified. The baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.
He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents!!
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant, when you met her..."

The Italian Lover
A virile middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the ‘rattling’ resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."
The stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?”
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear... "No, I Norwegian."

Upon Coming Home from Work

 Thorn comes home from work one afternoon and is stopped by his neighbour, "It may be none of my business, but this afternoon a strange man came to your house and your wife let him in. I peeked through the curtains and saw them making wild, passionate love."
Thorn said," Was he short, about 5'8"?
" Yes," the neighbour answers, " I believe he was."
" Did he have a droopy eye, and appear drunk?" Thorn asked.
" Yes," the neighbor agrees.
" Then that was the mailman, Jim, " Thorn responds. " He'll fuck anyone!"

 

 

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so, we are working on the theory here that laughter (even if it's just a little chuckle) is the best medicine.  especially after all we've been through.  am i wrong?