Umm

[secondjag]

A girl entered the family bathroom unexpectedly while her father was bathing. She let out a shriek, then ran out of the room, running to find her mother.

"Mommy, mommy! Daddy has a big, ugly snake in the tub with him," the girl screamed!

"It's not a snake, honey," her mother began to explain, "it's part of Daddy's body -- an important part. In fact, if Daddy didn't have it, you wouldn't be here."

As the child ran off to play, her mother thought to herself, "And neither would I."

 

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

An out-of-towner becomes friendly with Thelma, the waitress in his hotel coffee shop, and invites her up to his room.
She is indignant.
The guy says, "Don't get excited. This is all in the Bible."
Thelma is appeased, and after her shift they go out and have a few drinks.
Again the man invites her up to his room, and again she is angry.
The man explains, "It's in the Bible."
An hour later they're in the guy's hotel room and he suggests they undress and have some fun.
He assures Thelma that it isn't sinful since it's in the Bible.
"Where?" she says. "Where does it say that?"
Taking the Bible from the hotel nightstand, he opens it to the front cover where someone has written, "Thelma the waitress is a great lay."

One day a guy died and found himself in Hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in Hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

 

[secondjag]

There are a blonde, brunette, and a redhead in a maternity ward.
The redhead says she's having a girl because when she had sex she was on top.
The brunette says she's having a boy because the guy was on top.
The brunette and redhead notice the blonde starting to cry.
They asked her what was wrong and she said, "I think I'm having puppies.

There was the guy who loved nothing better than to sit at nearby bar for long evenings and get stoned with his cronies.
But his wife was a social climber, and was prone to having her "ladies" in for bridge etc.
This one night she didn't want him to be around embarrassing her, so she told him to stay out as late as he wished, just don't come in and make another scene.
Well, he came in the back door a little early, as she was preparing tea and some delicate little sandwiches, and was infuriated at his early return home.
"You keep your mouth shut, and go upstairs to bed" she told him.
"Oh, relax," says he, "I'll just take a cup of coffee, say good evening to the ladies, and I'll be gone."
"Just keep your mouth shut," says she,again.
Well, when she finally went back into the living room, all the ladies were gone, and he sat there alone.
She 'flipped' and told him she was going to divorce him and take everything he had, but he said, "wait a minute, you have to hear my side of the story."
"I came in here , sat down, and said good evening to the ladies, and they carried on.
One lady said she was having trouble with mice in her house, and another lady suggested she stuff their holes with steel wool, and all I said was, who is going to hold their little legs while you do it?

 

 

[secondjag]

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan, in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court.

The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting "Silence in Court."

The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees, and asks Paddy to take the stand.

Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.

The judge says "OK".

"Well," said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."

The Judge instantly responded, "God. Man, that must have hurt!"

Paddy replied, "HURT? He broke three of my fingers!"

There are these two gay men, named Gilbert and Brian, driving happily along in their car. As they came to an intersection, they stopped for the red light.

All of a sudden a big semi-trailer comes crunching through the back of their car!
Gilbert and Brian were really pissed!
Gilbert says to Brian to get out of the car to tell off the truck driver.
So Brian gets out of the car and approaches the truck driver, who apparently is one huge mother trucker (tattoos and all)!
"You bloody idiot! Look at what you've done to our beloved car!", exclaims Brian. "You're going to pay for this damage you know!"
"Suck my dick!", shouts the truck driver.
This prompted Brian to go back to his car, to discuss the situation with Gilbert.
"I think he wants to settle out of court, Gilbert."

 

[Peter C]

Not only did alcohol make my wife Debbie's panties come off when she went out, it also made her want to lay on her back with her legs wide open. Too bad Becky doesn't drink!

[secondjag]

There are two sperm and they're swimming and swimming and swimming for what seems like forever.

They're starting to get tired and one sperm says to the other, "Do you think we should pull over and ask for directions?"

The other sperm replies, "Naaaahhhhh, we can find it."
So, they keep swimming. Finally, they see another sperm, who's almost dead, and decide to stop and ask for directions.

They ask, "Do you think you can help us get to where we are going?"

The almost dead sperm says, "I'll try, where ya going?"
The two sperms reply, "Well, we're trying to find the fallopian tubes so that we can try and fertilize the egg."
The almost dead sperm just starts laughing.

The other two sperms look at one another, somewhat confused, and ask, "What's so funny?"
The almost dead sperm finally regains his composure and replies, "Well, you guys have a long way to go...... you're still in the esophagus."

Three boys were sitting on a fence talking.

One of the little boys says to the other, "If you could have your body covered in anything, what would it be?"
After thinking for a while the boy answers. "Silver"
"Well, why?"
"I could peel it off and buy that Honda over there"
The boy then asks the other, "And you?"
"Gold, I could peel it off and by the BMW sitting over there"
After a few seconds one of the boys ask the first boy, "Well, what about you?"
The boy thought and thought, and finally, said very calmly, "Hair".
Well the other two boys were just sickened and asked..."HAIR???? Why in the hell would you want your WHOLE BODY covered in HAIR???"
"Well", the boy answered, "My sister has got a little tiny patch of hair, and she owns both of those cars!!!"

 

[secondjag]

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves, hoping to put her at ease. "Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"

She said, "No?"

"Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

And she didn't laugh a bit! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms."

This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.

All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.
Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.

"Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"
"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. "It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."

 

[Peter C]

[secondjag]

A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Ah, yes, very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No dear, it's because you're 24!"

 

There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were approaching their high school graduation.

It was getting near prom night and neither of them had a date for it.

So, one day, the girl approaches her brother and says, "Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?"
He says, "No, why? You got someone lined up for me?"
"You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?"
"Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!"
"Well, are you taking somebody else out?"
"You know I don't have a date, sis."
"And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?" Her brother nods.
She continues, "So we should go with each other."
The brother can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening he will take her to the prom.
Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so the brother tells his sister that he'll take her to the prom on Friday.
At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad that his sister talked him into taking her.
Then, while he's standing at the punch bowl, his sister comes up to him again.
"Hey, brother, let's dance. "
He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her. "Look, sis, this is the Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?"
"Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why can't you dance with your sister?"
"Oh . . . all right. "
So they dance, a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by and after a while it's over and time to go. Both of them have had a good time.
In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at him and says, "Let's not go straight home."
He gives her a curious look and says, "What are we going to do instead?"
"Oh, I don't know. Just drive around."
He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the country, she looks over at him again and says, "Want to find some place to park?"
"Hell," he says, "are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going parking with you!"
"Who said anything about 'going parking'? Let's just pull over somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for both of us, how long has it been since we've had a chance to talk to each other?"
So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks over at him again.
"Hey . . . " she says.
"What?"
"Why don't you kiss me?"
"You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? I'm not going to kiss you, you're my sister! "And he reached for the ignition switch to start the car.
She reached out and took his hand. "I know I'm your sister. You've mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And don't we love each other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?" She kissed him on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his ear, "Come on. Let's do it."
"Do what?" said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his sister had in mind.
"You know what," his sister replied.
"I can't do that with you, you're my. . . " His voice trailed off.
While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, "You know, you're a lot lighter than Dad."
"I know," said her brother. "Mom told me."

 

[secondjag]

Little Jill comes home from playing at Johnny's house.
"Hey Mom, guess what! Johnny's got a penis like a peanut!"
Mom is understandably confused for a second, then asks, "What, you mean it's shaped like a peanut?"
"No silly. It's salty!"

 

[secondjag]

Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer. One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man, you really look tired."

His buddy says, "Dude, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex all the time, three, four, even six times a night, every night. She wakes me up at all hours. I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about 70, sitting a couple of stools down overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that nonsense."

 

 

[secondjag]

He wanted many things in a wife, but above all he wanted one who was a virgin. 
Falling madly in love with Summer, he decided to test her.
At a drive-in one night, he leaned over and asked, "Would you like to see my pee-pee?"
As he unzipped his fly, Summer covered her eyes.  "No!  No! Please put it back!"
Thrilled, he deemed Summer worthy of being his bride, and immediately proposed to her. 
On their wedding night, he was keenly anticipating the delight of introducing Summer to sex.
When she came to bed, he unzipped his fly and took out his member.
Summer smiled, "Oooooh...what a nice pee-pee."
He stroked her hair.  "My dear, the first thing you must learn is that it really isn't called a pee-pee.  It's called a cock."
"No," Summer said, studying it, "That's a pee-pee.  A cock is long and thick, like Bubba's!!"

 

[secondjag]

Little Johnny and Little Susie were walking along a trail in the woods. Little Susie noticed that some of the animals were behaving oddly.
"Little Johnny, why is that rabbit on top that other one?" she asked.
Little Johnny stops to consider his answer, and replies, "They're making cigarettes."
"Cigarettes?" she says, as they continue walking along. Pretty soon they approach a couple of raccoons.
Little Susie asked, "Are they making cigarettes too?"
"Yea," says Little Johnny
Little Susie looks around and says, "it looks like all the animals are making cigarettes, why don't we make cigarettes?"
Little Johnny was quick to say, "OK!"
A hour or so later Little Johnny and Little Susie were walking out of the woods, when she asked, "Little Johnny, what kinda cigarettes did we make?"
Little Johnny stops to think about his answer, then replies, "Well, if you get a hump in your belly it's a Camel, and if you don't, it's a Lucky Strike."

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

 

A guy wakes up in the morning.
He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night.
He picks up his dressing gown from the floor and puts it on.
He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra.
He thinks to himself, "Uh oh. What happened last night?"
He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his gown.
Again he thinks, "What happened last night. What have I done?
It must have been a wild party," making his best attempt to conclude and accept the evidence.
He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror.

He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is, "If there's a God, please let this be a tea bag.

 

[Peter C]

[secondjag]

12 hours ago, Peter C said:

yup, funny stuff Peter, thanks for sharing

[secondjag]

Some Quotes about Sex

You know that look women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

- Steve Martin
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'
- Woody Allen
It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
- Joan Rivers

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.
- Les Dawson
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
- Robin Williams

Studies show that about half of Americans have sex at work. Coincidentally, that’s the same half that say they are happy with their jobs.

- Melanie White
Sex is like math: you add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and hope you don’t multiply.
- Phil Proctor
Erotica is using a feather; pornography is using the whole chicken.
- Isabel Allende

The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
- Woody Allen

My wife likes to talk to me during sex. In fact, the other day she called

me from a motel.
- Scotty Record
If God’s got anything better than sex to offer, he’s certainly keeping it to himself.
- Sting
Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.
- Fran Liebowitz
My sex life is very bad. If it weren’t for pickpockets I’d have no sex life at all.
- Henny Youngman

Men like women with a past because they hope history will repeat itself.
- Mae West

I asked my wife, “On a scale from one to ten, how do you rate me as a lover?”

She said, “You know I’m no good at fractions.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet!
- Unknown
Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
- Mae West
I told my girlfriend that unless she expressed her feelings and told me what she liked, I wouldn’t be able to please her. So she said, “Get off me.”
- Garry Shandling

Give a man a free hand and he'll try to put it all over you.

- Mae West
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
- Brendan Behan
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
- Groucho Marx

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.
- Lynn Lavner
My girlfriend always laughs during sex, no matter what she's reading.
- Emo Philips

 

[secondjag]

"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee little fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."

"Aye, that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord, didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?"

"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's left tit." Kelly said, "And a beautiful thing it is, but not much use in a fight!"

 

[secondjag]

NEEDED SAYING

Moscow man buys a newspaper, glances at the front page then throws it in the bin.

Next day he does exactly the same. Third day he does it again.

Eventually the newspaper seller snaps "WHY do you do that?"

"Oh, I'm just checking for an obituary".

"But obituaries aren't even on the front page".

"Oh, the one I'm looking for will be!"

 

 

 

 

[secondjag]

Whew! A lot of material

 

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

[Peter C]

On 4/9/2022 at 6:44 PM, secondjag said:

My wife likes to talk to me during sex. In fact, the other day she called me from a motel.
- Scotty Record

I've been telling people that one-liner as a joke at work, What's the old saying, "Many a true word spoken in jest"? My now ex-wife Debbie phoned me a number of times from other men's bedrooms to let me know she'd be late home.

[secondjag]

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep, and, feeling really horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?"

She replies "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before."

So, the husband agrees, and rolls back over and starts to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

Q: Why do Jewish girls have gold diaphragms?
A: So they can tell their fathers that their boyfriends are cumming into money!

i know this to be a true story - SECONDJAG;   When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual communication traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made this remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year old question to Armstrong.
This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

 

 

[secondjag]

There was nothing to do on this Thursday night, so the two co-eds were just hanging around the apartment.
Brenda, who was dressed in only a in bra and panties, was jiggling back and forth around their place doing some chores.
Abby, who was sitting on the bed, decided this was the night that she would reveal her secret to her roommate.
"Take a break", Abby said to her friend, "Come over here and sit down."
As soon as Brenda sat on the bed, Abby leaned over and kissed her full on the lips.
"I've always wanted to tell you something" Abby said, "It's kinda hard to say this... Well, let me be frank."
Brenda leaned toward her friend and said in a sexually husky voice: "No, darling... Let me be Frank."

 

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about..."

She stopped, and sat down to listen.

"I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.

She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style.

She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit you.

Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now.

Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'