Umm

[secondjag]

The wife appeared before the judge and said, "I want a divorce from that jerk over there."
The judge said, "Why do you want the divorce?"
"Because he's a terrible lover."
The judge asked, "How long have you been married?"
"Fourteen years," she replied.
"I don't understand. Why did you wait fourteen years to divorce your husband for being a terrible lover?"
She said, "Because, your Honor, until this insurance salesman stopped by my house last week, I didn't know."

 

Little Johnny and Willy were twins, and for their 13th birthday, Willy got a bicycle, while Little Johnny got a little portable radio.
Willy hopped up on his bike and went to town.
On the way he sees the Gerald's house on fire, firetrucks, the whole bit.
He spins around and peddles as fast as he could back home.
"Little Johnny! Little Johnny! Guess what? I saw a fire at old man Gerald's! There was fire engines! Firemen! and EVERYTHING!!!"
Little Johnny looks up and says, "Yeah, I know, I heard about it 10 minutes ago on the news on my radio."
Willy scowls and jealously mutters, "You and your fuckin' radio!" and storms off, to go riding again.
In town he sees just about the most exciting thing ever! Police, sirens, and all kinds of excitement, because the local bank had been robbed.
He races home as fast as he can, starts hollering before he's even completely in the door,
"Little Johnny! Little Johnny! Guess what?"
Little Johnny dryly interrupts with, "The bank was robbed?"
Willy scowls and storms off, muttering, "You and your fuckin' radio!"
Well, this time he pedals clear through town, and out into the countryside on the other side.
A few miles up the road he sees a poor little pig with its head stuck in a fence.
He grins, parks the bike, climbs down the bank, pulls his pants down and gives it to the porker.
Then he races as fast as he could all the way home... "Little Johnny! Little Johnny! Guess what? I just had my first sexual experience!"
Little Johnny looks up, dismisses Willy with a wave, "Bah! In a pig's ass you did!"
"You and your fuckin' radio!" mutters Willy, as he cycles off.

 

 

With the circus in town, a local man is very excited to see the magic show and rushes down to the big-top.

He reaches the gates just as the circus is closing for the day but manages to buy a ticket and hurriedly runs into the tent. "Where's the magic show?", he breathlessly asks one employee. 

The lady replies that she just saw the magician in the back packing up his bags for the day and without wasting a minute, the man rushes back to see the show.

He races into the room only to find the magician ready to leave. "I'm here for the magic show", the guy tells the magician.  
"Sorry pal, come back tomorrow. I'm going home." replies The Amazing Jonas.  
"Look", says the man, "I just paid good money to come in and see a magic show, and that's what I expect!"  
Visually annoyed, the magician tells him, "Buddy, I've been here all day and I'd like to go home and see my wife and kids."  
With that, the customer becomes even more irate, and DEMANDS that he be shown at least one magic trick.  
"Okay, you want to see a magic trick?!", Jonas asks. "Pull down your pants."  
The man looks skeptical but does as he's told.  
"Now bend over and grab your ankles." As he does Jonas walks behind him and the man flinches. "There," asks the magician. "Can you feel my finger in your ass?"  
The man winces and replies, "Yeah."  
The magician holds both of his hands over the guy's back, wiggles his fingers in front of his face and shouts, "Ta-Dah!"  

 

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your father a big hug."

 

[secondjag]

Ma and Pa Kettle were sitting on the front porch rocking away listening to Reverend Ike on the radio.

The Reverend said, "Place your left hand on the part of your body you want healed, raise your right hand in the air and say, 'I Believe, I Believe!' and you shall be healed."

Well, Ma placed her left hand inside her blouse over her tired, old heart and lungs, and raised her right hand in the air and shouted, "I Believe, I Believe!"

Meanwhile, Pa just looked at her like she was some kind of lunatic.

Then, Ma started breathing nice and easy, without her old wheeze, and she started rocking twice as fast as before.

A wonderful color came back into her cheeks.

Pa shrugged his shoulders, and figured what the heck.

So, he shoved his left hand down the front of his pants, and grabbed his pecker.

Then, he started to raise his right hand in the air, when Ma said, "Pa, the Reverend said, 'Heal the sick,' not raise the dead."

 

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

 

Little Johnny goes into a house of ill repute and asks for a girl with gonorrhea.
The madam nodded and sent him upstairs to a room.
Then she called one of her favorites for him. The girl came into the room and started to undress, when he asked, "Do you have gonorrhea?"
"Gonorrhea? I should say not," she replied.
Little Johnny sent her back.
The madam sent for another girl and said, "Honey, go upstairs and tell that fool you have the clap. Let's do what we can to make him happy."
The girl agreed, went upstairs and when Little Johnny asked, "Do you have gonorrhea?" she smiled and said, "Of course I do."
"Ok," he said, "Let's do it."
After it was over and they were laying side by side the girl said, "Listen Johnny, I don't really have gonorrhea"
Little Johnny smiled and said, "Well, you do now."

 

[Peter C]

[secondjag]

good stuff Peter, thanks for sharing

 

 

[secondjag]

A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies’ shop rather intimidated, but the girls took charge to help him. "What colour?" they asked.
He settled for white. "How much does it cost?" he asked. "Twenty dollars."
"Very good," he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea.
"Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?"
"No," he said, "nothing like that."
"Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles."
He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears?"

 

 

An elderly woman walked into a liquor store with two guns, pointed them at the shop-keeper and said, "Give me six bottles of scotch whiskey, all the money in the till, and then I want you to take me into your storeroom and make love to me."
The shopkeeper got her the six bottles of scotch, emptied the money from the till into the old woman's handbag, and then went with her into the storeroom and had sex with her.
In the excitement, the old lady dropped the guns on the floor.

The shop-keeper paused a moment, then said, "Madam, could you please pick up your guns again, I'm expecting my wife to arrive any minute."

 

 

[secondjag]

forgot these

 

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

Little Johnny is wandering up and down the aisles of a supermarket crying his eyes out.
"What's the matter fella?" asked a stock boy.
"I've lost my mommy!" wailed Little Johnny.
"Don't worry, we'll soon find her," soothed the stock boy.
"Now tell me, what's mommy like?"
"Bourbon, and men with big, hard cocks," sobbed Little Johnny.

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm of royal blood and an I.Q. of 165, I'd like to make a donation."
The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room.
20 minutes later the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?"
"I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?"
The nurse replied, "I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute..."
She gets on her knees and begins to give oral sex.
He says, "I really appreciate this, but what I really need help getting the cap off the jar!"

"Look", says the extremely beautiful landlady, who loves a bet, "If any one of you can tell me where you live without stuttering I'll let you shag me!"
Quietly confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman "Where do you live?" "M M M M Man Man Manch ..."
"No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman, "Okay - where do you live, Scotty?" she asks, trying not to laugh.
"E E E Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edinb ..."
"Nope. You lose." says the gorgeous woman. "And Paddy, where do you live?"
"London," blurts out the Irishman.
"Oh, bugger!" says the landlady.
A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs.
Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptuous bosom.
Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed.
Paddy, with concentration furrowing his brow, climbs on and goes for glory, and then, right at the climaxing stroke, he suddenly screams out: " ....... D - D - D - Derry!!"

 

 

 

 

[Peter C]

That reminded me of the one where the guy's wife was wearing a really short skirt and no panties knowing his friends were coming over.

Seeing her sitting there with her legs open, he passed her his comb and said, "For God's sake, tidy yourself up a bit! They'll be here soon!"

[secondjag]

Man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a huge hole in my ass."

The doctors says, "Drop your pants, bend over, and let’s have a look."

"Fuck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"

 Patient replies, "I've been fucked by an elephant."

 The doctor says "An elephant’s penis is long and thin. This hole is enormous."

 Patient replies "He fingered me first."

 

 

[Peter C]

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

Alice Jones went to see her doctor.

When he inquired about her complaint, she replied that she suffered from a discharge.

He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table. She did so.

The doctor put on rubber gloves and began to administer a thorough massage of her pubic area.
After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?"
"Wonderful!" she replied. "But the discharge is from my ear."

 

An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door.
She asks him, "Granddad, why don't we give it a try?"
He says, "No girl, that is no longer possible for me."
Says the hooker, "Come on, what have you got to lose, we can give it a try!?"
They both go inside. They undress and then he acts like a young man and is giving it to her 5 times in a row.
"Oh my goodness," says the hooker, breathless, "and you said that it was no longer possible for you?!"
Says the old man, "Oh, the screwing is still going well, it's the paying for it that is no longer possible."

 

[secondjag]

Little Johnny's mother decided to tell him all about making babies, so she had "the talk" with him.

Afterwards Little Johnny just sat there silently for a while.
"Do you understand?" his mother asked.
"Yes," replied Little Johnny.
"Do you have any questions?" asked his Mother.
"Yes, how about little kittens and puppies?" asked Little Johnny.
"In exactly the same way as with babies", answered his Mom.
"Wow!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "My daddy will fuck ANYTHING!"

 

 

[secondjag]

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses Alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's is telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties ...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
 Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

 

 

[secondjag]

[secondjag]

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.
The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up you look so excited."
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.
The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited."
The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."

 

[secondjag]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

 

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.  There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am.  Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up.  Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are.  No wonder you're so serious.  You really need to chill out!  I mean, no sex since 1955!" 

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

 

A man is urinating one day when the end of his penis drops off.
He thinks, "This is probably not a good thing," so he picks up the knobby end and sticks it in his pocket, then races off to the doctor.
He waits in the surgery for a bit, then he's called in.
The doctor greets him and asks, "What's the problem?"
"Well, doctor, I was urinating and my knob fell off. Here it is." And he reaches into his pocket and hands the piece to the doctor.
The doctor looks, frowns, then replies, "What are you talking about? This is a marshmallow!"
"Well, that can't be right! I ate my last marshmallow on the way in here!"

 

 

[secondjag]

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day.
The townsman watched as he slowly dismounted and tied his horse to the rail outside the saloon.
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss ‘where the sun don't shine’.
As he then walked by, the townsman had to comment, "I could help but notice you as you got off your horse. That's quite an unusual ritual."
"Yep," replied the cowboy. "I got me some bad chapped lips."
"And that cures them?" asked the townsman.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."

 

A Cajun fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife, "Y'know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at defire station.
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.
 From now on, when I says 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.
 When I says 'Bell two' you jump on de bed.
 When I says 'Bell tree' we's gonna mek love all tru de night.
The next night he came home and shouted, 'Bell One' and she stripped naked.
'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed.
'Bell Tree' and they started to make love. After a few minutes the wife yelled out 'Bell Four!'
 "What de hell is 'Bell Four'?" he asked.
She replied, "Roll out more hose, you ain't nowhere near de fire!"

 

 

[secondjag]

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[Peter C]

[secondjag]

loved the last one Peter