Umm

[secondjag]

A fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex.

The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery and offers him the job.
"What will the role entail exactly?" asks the interviewee.
"Well", says the foreman, "you have to check 1 in a hundred", and proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the production line, stretches it, holds it up to the lights, then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over.
She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over.
The foreman gives her a good fucking, after he's finished he removes the prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes.
"Easy as that", he says.
"When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck.
"Monday, 8:00 sharp!"
Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside the Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30.
Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambo's, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort).
He picks up the 101st, stretches it, holds it up to the light to check for holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over.
Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously masturbate him.
Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary, who says,  "Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand"

 

[secondjag]

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank Christ for that!  I thought you were sitting on the cat!"

He never even heard the gunshot.

 

[secondjag]

I have a friend who always carries around several condoms with him, especially when travelling to sites of religious significance.
When asked about the tradition, he explained that he simply pulls out the condoms when at the site, and rubs them against the artifact of faith.
Said perpetrator has made contact between holy items and rubbers in several major Judeo-Christian sites.
When asked why he kept up this tradition, he simply explained, "Well, that way I can really tell a girl that I'll fuck the hell out of her."

 

A man walks into a bar and winks at a pretty girl at the other end "bartender", he says, "I'd like to buy that lady a drink."
"Don't do it," the bartender says, "She's a lesbian."
"You're crazy," he said, "She's beautiful and she winked back."
So the bartender gives her the drink.
A minute later she moves down and thanks the gentleman.
"Bartender," he says, "Give the lady another drink."
"I'm warning you," the bartender says as he hands her the drink.
After she finishes this drink she asks if he would like to see her breast.
"YES!!!" he says and the woman lifts her blouse.
After the next drink, and another warning from the bartender, she takes his hand and asks, "Would you like to touch my ass?"
The gentleman replies "OH, YES!!!, DEFINITELY!!!"
So he sits with his hand on her bottom and asks for another drink.
The bartender, thoroughly impressed by now and convinced he was wrong in his judgement obliges.
After this she asks " Are you ready to taste a hot, wet, sweet pussy?"
"THANK YOU GOD!!!", the man exclaims, and then "YES!!!!!!!"
At this the attractive lady grabs him by his tie pulls him close, kisses him, thrusting her tongue deeply into his mouth, and says, "Hope you enjoyed it!"

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.
The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up you look so excited."
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.
The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited."
The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."

 

[Peter C]

[secondjag]

10 hours ago, Peter C said:

so good I saved one (topless strippers)

Jim paid $500 to a madam for a virgin whore.
He was sent to an upstairs room, where a fresh-faced 18-year-old expertly sucked him to the brink of coming, then quickly finished him off in her cunt.
The whole session lasted less than five minutes.
The john was not happy.
"They said I'm the first man you ever fucked," he complained.
The girl looked blankly at Jim. "You might be," she smiled helpfully.
"Your face looks familiar."

Thorn was trying real hard to get the best-looking cheerleader in school to go out on a date with him.
She finally agreed, but only on condition that he arrange a date for her best friend too.
That was fine with Thorn, but when Friday night came around he hadn't been able to line anyone up so he asked his retarded brother, Futhman, if he would help him out.
"Why sure," said Futhman, "but you know, I've never been out with a girl before."
"No problem," said Thorn. "Just do everything I do."
Off the four of them go to the drive-in, and when Thorn started kissing his date, Futhman followed suit.
Soon Thorn had the cheerleader's bra undone, so Futhman undid his date's.
Next, Thorn was feeling inside her panties, but when Futhman tried to follow suit, his date told him to quit.
"Why?" asked Futhman, anxiously noting that his brother was getting quite a head start in the front seat.
"I have my period," she said.
"You're what?"
"I'm bleeding down there," she explained, blushing.
"This I gotta see," said Futhman.
He turned on the headlights, dragged his date out in front of the car, and pulled down her pants.
White-faced, he said, "Hell, I'd be bleeding too, if my dick were chopped off!"

 

 

[Kaktuscpl]

6 hours ago, secondjag said:

so good I saved one (topless strippers)

Jim paid $500 to a madam for a virgin whore.
He was sent to an upstairs room, where a fresh-faced 18-year-old expertly sucked him to the brink of coming, then quickly finished him off in her cunt.
The whole session lasted less than five minutes.
The john was not happy.
"They said I'm the first man you ever fucked," he complained.
The girl looked blankly at Jim. "You might be," she smiled helpfully.
"Your face looks familiar."

Thorn was trying real hard to get the best-looking cheerleader in school to go out on a date with him.
She finally agreed, but only on condition that he arrange a date for her best friend too.
That was fine with Thorn, but when Friday night came around he hadn't been able to line anyone up so he asked his retarded brother, Futhman, if he would help him out.
"Why sure," said Futhman, "but you know, I've never been out with a girl before."
"No problem," said Thorn. "Just do everything I do."
Off the four of them go to the drive-in, and when Thorn started kissing his date, Futhman followed suit.
Soon Thorn had the cheerleader's bra undone, so Futhman undid his date's.
Next, Thorn was feeling inside her panties, but when Futhman tried to follow suit, his date told him to quit.
"Why?" asked Futhman, anxiously noting that his brother was getting quite a head start in the front seat.
"I have my period," she said.
"You're what?"
"I'm bleeding down there," she explained, blushing.
"This I gotta see," said Futhman.
He turned on the headlights, dragged his date out in front of the car, and pulled down her pants.
White-faced, he said, "Hell, I'd be bleeding too, if my dick were chopped off!"

 

 

I'm soo...stealing the wizard of oz one..LOL..,

I  love music....plus I worked in the entertainment industry for almost 30 years,as a stagehand/rigger

[secondjag]

4 minutes ago, Kaktuscpl said:

I'm soo...stealing the wizard of oz one..LOL..,

I  love music....plus I worked in the entertainment industry for almost 30 years,as a stagehand/rigger

very kool way to make a living bud

[Peter C]

My wife divorced me after telling the judge I couldn't get an erection.

I had hard evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

[secondjag]

Luigi: "Father, I wanna an annulment."

Priest: "Why, Luigi? You justa gota married yesterday."

Luigi: "I tinka I married my sister."

Priest: "No, no Luigi. I know you an your wife alla your lives, and there is no relation.

Whata make-a you tink she's your sister?"

Luigi: "Last night we undress for bed she look at me say "Oh, brother!"

 

Senator Hillary Clinton (D, NY) and former Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his 'thing'."

Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for real, real ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asks, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?"

Janet, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and tense and squeeze to break wind as loud and hard as I can."

That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slips into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving gas all day long and was ready for him.

She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sound you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and says, "Janet, is that you?"

 

An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband "Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years."

"Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds."

"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old 

time's sake?"

So, they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table.

"You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago."

"I'm not surprised," replies the old man.  "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

 

[Kaktuscpl]

14 minutes ago, secondjag said:

Luigi: "Father, I wanna an annulment."

Priest: "Why, Luigi? You justa gota married yesterday."

Luigi: "I tinka I married my sister."

Priest: "No, no Luigi. I know you an your wife alla your lives, and there is no relation.

Whata make-a you tink she's your sister?"

Luigi: "Last night we undress for bed she look at me say "Oh, brother!"

 

Senator Hillary Clinton (D, NY) and former Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his 'thing'."

Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for real, real ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asks, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?"

Janet, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and tense and squeeze to break wind as loud and hard as I can."

That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slips into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving gas all day long and was ready for him.

She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sound you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and says, "Janet, is that you?"

 

An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband "Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years."

"Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds."

"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old 

time's sake?"

So, they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table.

"You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago."

"I'm not surprised," replies the old man.  "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

 

 LOL   omg porno for the deaf       LOL

[secondjag]

Following a successful rally, the evangelist was relaxing in his trailer, when there was a knock at the door. "Come in," he said.
A young maiden, truly beautiful, threw herself at his feet and said, "Reverend, I have nothing to give but my body."
The preacher looked skyward, "Lord, deliver me from temptation."
And then following a long pause, he began unbuttoning his shirt, and added, "In about an hour or so."

What is legal, but not logical?
After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a Student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely, I must. Otherwise, I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then, I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you to give me an "A" for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. What is the question?"
Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an A", as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63-years old and married to a 35-year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25-year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

 

 

A deserter GI was running down a road escaping from two MPs.

He came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirt for a few minutes. I'll explain why later."
The nun agreed to his request.

Shortly thereafter, the two MPs came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road.
She replied, "He went that way."
After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, Sister, but you see I don't want to go into the army."
The nun said she understood.
The GI said, "I hope  you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a pair of men's size 36 underwear! I don't want to go into the army either!"

 

[Kaktuscpl]

B-52   LMAO.....   and thanks a lot fucker 😛 ...got that damn song stuck in my head now  LMAO

[secondjag]

2 hours ago, Kaktuscpl said:

B-52   LMAO.....   and thanks a lot fucker 😛 ...got that damn song stuck in my head now  LMAO

It wasn't a rock, it was a rock lobster...🤣

[secondjag]

"Say," began Lucille one day over lunch, "didn't you go out with that guy who played the French horn?"
"Yeah," said Diane, stirring her iced tea.
"You were really looking forward to it, I remember. How'd it go?" Lucille leaned forward eagerly.
"Actually he was a pretty nice guy," volunteered Diane reluctantly. "But there was one real problem..."
"Oh, really?"
"Every time he kissed me, he wanted to shove his fist up my ass."

 

[secondjag]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

“Two Prostitutes — $50.00.”

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: “JESUS SAVES.” One of the girls asked the officer, “How come you don’t stop them?!”

“Well, that’s a little different,” the officer smiled. “Their sign pertains to religion.”

So, the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

“Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter — $50.00.”

A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne. 

The woman said, "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."

"What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, " t is a special day for me. I am celebrating."

"It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman. 

"What a coincidence!" said the farmer.

While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant."

"What a coincidence," said the man. "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs." 

"This is incredible," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?" 

"I used a different rooster," he said.

"What a coincidence." smiled the woman.

 

[Peter C]

I asked Becky to make a sex tape.

I suppose she thinks she's funny...

[Peter C]

[secondjag]

One woman says to another, "I can't understand why you haven't gone to see that new gynecologist yet!"
"My gynecologist is fine. I don't need to change."
"But the new one's so young and handsome, while your gynecologist is so old!"
The other woman replies with a smile, "Yeah, I know. His hands shake all the time!"

A Pennsylvania farmer was selling his peaches door to door.
He knocked on a door and a shapely 40-something lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.
He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
 She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"
 He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.
 Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"
 The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.
Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"
 He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
The lady asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.
They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement, a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his up-stretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non officer, a grizzly an old Master Chief, who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Master Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him,  providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Master Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.
My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Master Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."

 

[secondjag]

The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast.
As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!"
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.
After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"
"I was in bed."
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion"

 

[secondjag]

a lot of material today; better get started

 

Liana was a beautiful girl. As she was walking through the woods on a hot summer’s day, the heat became too much for her. She decided to go for a swim. She took off all her clothes, piled them neatly on the side of the riverbank and dove in.
A couple of young boys came along and decided to steal her clothes.
Having gotten out of the water and discovered her clothes had been stolen, Liana decided to go to the roadside and hitch a ride home.
Along came Steve, riding a bicycle. He stopped for Liana. "Come," he said, "I'll ride you into town."
She jumped on his bicycle and rode in front of him. Steve said nothing, but after ten minutes Liana was so overwhelmed at how calm he was that she said, "Tell me, haven't you noticed that I'm completely naked?"
"Sure," said Steve. "Haven't you noticed that you're riding on a girls’ bike?"

Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny as a big gambler.
She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that. 
After Little Johnny's first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went.
She said, "I think I broke his gambling."
The father asked how and she said, "He bet me £5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money."
"DAMN!" said the father.
"What's wrong?", the teacher asked.
Little Johnny's father said, "This morning he bet me £100.00 he would see his teacher's naked arse before the day was over

 

[secondjag]

[Peter C]

Valentine's Day here in the UK tomorrow...

[secondjag]

Happy V day

A well-dressed man approached a voluptuously beautiful young woman on the street and said, "Would you have sex with me for a million dollars?"
"For a MILLION dollars?!" she replied, more than a little stunned, "Of course I would!"
"Well, would you sleep with me for twenty-five dollars?"
"Twenty-five dollars? Don't be ridiculous! What kind of girl do you take me for, anyway?"
"We've already established what kind of girl you are; now we're just haggling over price."

 

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning, she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
The woman replied, "Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

 

[Peter C]

[secondjag]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are lying in bed one night.
Sherlock runs off to the kitchen and comes back with a jar of lemon curd.

Quickly he turns Dr Watson over onto his knees and starts smearing it around his bum.
"Sherlock, what the hell are you doing?" Dr Watson gasps.
Sherlock smiles and replies.
"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson."

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? California? Oregon? Switzerland? Most believe it originated in Switzerland, but here's the real version:

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He needs a place to stay for the night, so I said he could sleep in the barn."

The said, "Perhaps he is hungry."

So she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty.

So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears.

"How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my !"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out, "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO."