Umm

[Peter C]

[secondjag]

There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zookeeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.
The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals.
She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "Hi, I'm a zebra! What are you?"
"I'm a cow."
"Right, right. What do you do?"
"I make milk for the farmer."
"Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"
"I'm a chicken."
"Oh, right. What do you do?"
"I make eggs for the farmer."
"Right, great, see ya round." Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes.

She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"

"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.
"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"
"Take off your fancy pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."

Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage, as he was sensitive about his artificial leg and a bit afraid no one would have him.

In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancée' about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.

All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
The wedding night came and went and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.
Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his artificial leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.
"Hmmmmmm," she said softly, "That IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"  

 

[secondjag]

Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at the local Nissan plant.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"

A man walks into a bar in the outback, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10, who stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First, you have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second, there's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third, there's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned!

"I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

 "Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight; then, nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

He drunkenly says, "Now, where's that old woman with the bad tooth?

 

[secondjag]

Little Johnny and his new bride had just returned from their honeymoon, and was settling down in their new apartment.
Coming home from work one night the landlady met Little Johnny in the hallway and said, "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your new bride would like to have them?"
"I'll ask her," Little Johnny responded. He opened the door to his apartment and called out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"
"No Way!" his bride screamed. "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going home to my Mother!"

This hillbilly kid goes into a drugstore and asks the druggist for a box of condoms.
The druggist says, "How old are you, son?"
The kid replies, "Eleven."
"I can't sell you any condoms," the druggist says. "You're too young."
The kid says, "Gimme some rubbers or I'll call a cop."
"All right, cool it," the druggist says to the kid.
"What kind of condoms do you want?"
The kid tells him, "Gimme the French ticklers."
The druggist says, "Listen, kid. Do you know what one of those things will do to a woman?"
"No," the kid replies, "but I hear they make a sheep jump pretty high!"

 

[secondjag]

Marci was still feeling a bit weak, and not up to par after her recent bout with the flu, so she went to see her doctor.
After a quick examination, he said, "You look weak and exhausted! What have you been doing? Are you getting out in the fresh air, getting enough exercise, and having your meals 3 times a day, as I advised on your last visit?"
Marci looked up, a bit surprised and exclaimed, "Oh doc, I've sure been getting the first two, but on that last one, I woulda sworn you said three males a day!"

 

A gorilla is walking through the jungle. He parts the bushes by the watering hole and sees a lion taking a drink of water with his butt sticking up in the air.
The gorilla thinks to himself that it would be really funny if he snuck up behind this "King of the Jungle" and slipped him the ol' Liberace. So the gorilla sneaks up on his tiptoes behind the lion, grabs him by the hips, and starts fucking him up his ass as hard as he can.
Then he pulls out and runs away, laughing his head off. He thinks it's the funniest thing he's ever done in his life, fucking the "King of the Jungle" up the ass.
The lion is pissed. "Rrroooooaarrrr!!!" he says, and runs after the gorilla.
Now, the gorilla can't run very fast, and the lion keeps getting closer and closer, so the gorilla ducks into an empty safari camp, puts on a set of safari cloths with the pith helmet and everything, picks up a paper, sits down with the paper held up in front of his face, and makes like he's
reading it.
Just then, the lion walks in. "Rrroooooaarrrr!!!" he says. "Did you just see a big gorilla run through here?"
The gorilla starts shaking under the paper. "Uh, you mean the one that just f-fucked the lion up the ass?" he stutters.

The lion sits up with a start and says, "Jesus! It's in the paper already!?"

 

[secondjag]

A man goes into a little neighborhood pub, and when he sits down, he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar.
He waves to her, and much to his surprise, she winks back at him. It doesn't take long before he is on the stool next to her.
They talk for about fifteen minutes and then the man says to the woman, "You're really hot!"
You're pretty cute, too," she says to him. "I'll tell you what. I live just around the corner. What do you think about coming up to my place?"
It sounds great!" the man eagerly replies.
"Before we go up there though", the woman says, "I have to ask you one question: Do you like doing it Greek style?"
"Well...uh...I'm not exactly sure what that is, man answers, "but it sure sounds interesting and I'm willing to learn! Let's go!"
So the two of them walk over to her apartment.
As soon as they get inside the door, the woman rips off all her clothes. The man can't believe his eyes. The woman has an incredibly beautiful body.
"Now, you're sure," the woman asks, "that you want to do it Greek style?"
"Definitely!" the man replies.
"All right, then," says the woman. "Take off all your clothes, and get up on the bed on yours hands and knees."
"Sounds like fun!" the man exclaims. He leaps out of his clothes and climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees. The woman goes around and gets onto the bed right in front of the man.
She kneels down in front of his head. She asks him again, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"
"Yeah! Yeah!" says the man.
The woman grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits, getting him in a lock hold. He can't move at all, and his head is pressing right into her chest. One more time she says, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"
The man's muffled voice can barely be heard from between her breasts.
"Yeah!" he mumbles, "Greek style!"
The woman's grip on him tightens like a vice, and she yells out, "GUS!"

 

[secondjag]

don't care about your politics; if it's funny, it's funny.  feel free to add

 

[secondjag]

A Young Aussie was enjoying his first night in Rome drinking cappuccino at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him. "Hello," he said. "Do you understand English?"

"Only a little," she answered. "How much?" he asked. "Fifty dollars," she replied.

Grandpa was showing Little Johnny around the farm. When they came to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her." A little later on, he said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too." That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?" Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"

 

[secondjag]

lmao, ok, we have a lot of material to get through.  get busy

A British explorer is in the dark jungle, going where no Western man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and troubleshooter all in one.
One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man taking a morning swim. When he got to shore and stood up the explorer couldn't help but notice the size of his penis. The young man had the longest, thickest penis he had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was.
"He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir," came the reply. "This is his morning ritual."
"Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "how did his penis get to be this size?"
The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.
"Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return.
"He said, 'Doesn't the white man's shrink in cold water?'"

 

A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck.
"Darling," she gushes excitedly, "I have great news. I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill:
"Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company.
"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"
"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning. 
"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?  What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?" "Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
"WWWHHAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A man's testicles had turned brown, and he was worried so he made an appointment with his doctor.
When he got home from the appointment, he sat down in his chair in the living room.
He hollered for his wife to come from the kitchen.
After a while when she didn't come, he hollered again.
After the third time she hollered back, "I haven't got time. I am fixing dinner, have clothes here to iron, the baby is crying and needs changed. I don't even have time to wipe my ass."
He said, "That's what I want to talk to you about."

 

[secondjag]

Morris and his wife were vacationing in Hawaii when a violent earthquake occurred at around 3 AM.

As soon as morning came, the man went down to the hotel lobby to read the newspaper about what had happened.

As he was reading the newspaper, another gentlemen stepped up and asked him if he had felt the earthquake during the night.
"I sure did. My wife and I are here on vacation from the mainland, and I have felt other earthquakes, but I have never felt a quake like that one, it was terrible. I thought the building was going to come down on us."

The guy asked, "What were you doing during the earthquake?"
"Gee, I was having the best sexual performance of my life as that earthquake was happening."
"Is that right? What did your wife think about it?"
Morris said, "Well, it damned near woke her up!"

A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door.

When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex.

Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question.

Again, she slammed the door and screamed, "Get the hell away!"

Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned.

The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door.

When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, "Yes!"

The man replied, "Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep the hell away from my wife!"

 

 

[secondjag]

Three cowboys, one from Texas, one from Kansas, and one from Oklahoma went into a bar bragging about who was the badest of the three.
The Texan said watch this and yelled at the barmaid "Hey, barmaid.  Bring me a pitcher of beer and get your ass over here."

When the barmaid got there the Texan guzzled down the whole pitcher, laid his hand on the table, whipped out his forty-five and shot off one of his fingers.
She was startled.
The cowboy from Kansas yelled out, "Hey, bitch, bring me a beer with a shot of tequila and get your ass over here with it."
Upon the barmaid getting there he drank the beer and tequila down, laid his hand on the table, whipped out his forty-five and shot off two fingers.
The barmaid was terrified at this, especially after just witnessing the Texan.
The Oklahoma cowboy spoke out and told the barmaid "Honey, bring me a whole bottle of tequila, and hurry."
Upon her arrival, he drank the entire bottle of tequila, unzipped his pants and slams his dick on the table.
The barmaid screamed "You aren't going to shoot that off are you?"
"Hell no, I want you to kiss it.  It will go off by itself".

 

Her Diary

 SATURDAY DAY NIGHT:

     I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

     Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.

     I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

     On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.

    When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

    He just sat there and watched TV, and he seemed distant and absent.

    Finally, I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.

     I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.

    I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

    My life is a disaster.

His Diary

 SATURDAY NIGHT

 Today Liverpool lost, but at least I got laid.

 

[Kaktuscpl]

LMAO........took me a minute to notice the nasal piercing  ......OMG ....what a dick move....I'd probably be the 1st one to do it to someone( one of my friends)....."ZAPP, that ass....and then ask what a 9v battery smells like???     

MUUUWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!   

Told y'all I was fucked up....LOL

[secondjag]

7 hours ago, Kaktuscpl said:

LMAO........took me a minute to notice the nasal piercing  ......OMG ....what a dick move....I'd probably be the 1st one to do it to someone( one of my friends)....."ZAPP, that ass....and then ask what a 9v battery smells like???     

MUUUWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!   

Told y'all I was fucked up....LOL

now about those pierced clits...

[secondjag]

This man went into a night-club and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, so he asked her to dance.
She agreed, and they took to the dance floor for a slow one.
While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"
The flattered girl told him it was Chanel #5.
Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"
"Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it," the guy replied.

 

[secondjag]

Thomas and Tamara were attending a dinner party so that Thomas's mother could meet Tamara for the first time.
Towards the end of the evening, Tamara approached Thomas and asked if there was a problem, as she [the mother] seemed to be avoiding her after the introduction.
"Honestly, my dear," Thomas said, "Mother finds you to be, how should I put it, a bit on the crude side."
"Crude? Doesn't she know that I come from one of the most respected families in Boston? That I was educated in Europe? That I attended the finest finishing schools on the East Coast? That I attended Vassar, graduating Magna Cum Laude?" Tamara asked.
"Yes, yes, my love, I told her all that," Thomas replied.
"Then where in the fuck does that bitch come off with all that ‘crude’ bullshit?"

A stressed out Priest who went to the Doctor in a panic and asked him, "What does it mean Doc, when I go pee it burns like the Fire of Satan and I have this God awful drip?" The Doc smiled and said, "It means the Altar boy lied. He wasn't a Virgin."

Q: Did you hear that Hollywood is going to remake the exorcist?
A: It’s about a mother who hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son.

My wife comes in with a brand-new bag, looked expensive.
Me: "Honey I see you got a new Gucci bag, where'd you get it?"
Wife: "My boss and I bought a lottery ticket together and won! I bought the bag with my half of the winnings."
Next day wife comes home with new, fancy sunglasses.
Me: "Wow those are elegant sunglasses you have on today. Where did you get them?"
Wife: "My boss and I spent some of our leftover winnings on another ticket and won again! Used my half of the winnings to treat myself again."
On the 3rd day, the wife drives home in a new Ferrari.
Me: "Let me guess...you and your boss won the lottery again?"
Wife: "Yes!! Isn't our luck just so unbelievable right now? All of this winning has wiped me out mentally. Could you do me a huge favor and fill the bath for me so I can relax?"
Me: "Anything for you, dear."
Wife comes up to see the bathtub filled with only an inch or two of water.
Wife: "Honey how is this gonna work... You need to fill it with way more water than this."
Me: "We don't want to get your lottery ticket wet now do we?"

 

[secondjag]

Three guys were sitting at the bar. Ultimately, the topic turns to their respective sex lives.
The first guy said, "You know, I'm really lucky.  When my wife makes love, she's like an acrobat.  She can get into the most incredible positions."
The second guy said, "I'm lucky, too.  My wife is like a world-class pianist when we have sex.  She's got the most talented hands you can imagine."
No one spoke for a moment.  Then the first guy said to the third guy, "George, how's your wife in bed?"
George took a sip of his beer, then replied, "I guess you could say that my wife makes love like a chess player."
"A chess player?"
"Yeah, " he says. "Every 20 minutes or so she moves.”

 

This young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team manages to sneak his new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into his room at the Olympic Village.
Once she's inside, he quickly switches out all the lights and they rapidly disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement.
After about twenty minutes of wild sex they both collapse back on the bed in exhaustion.
The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in the dim light.
His beautifully-developed muscles, tanned skin and smooth-shaven scalp glisten with little beads of sweat as he lays beside her.
She's really pleased to have met this guy.
At this point the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed.
He fumbles the lid off a bottle on the bedside table, pours himself a small shot in a glass and drinks it down in one gulp.
Then he stands bolt upright, takes a deep breath and, in a surprisingly energetic motion, dives under the bed, climbing out the other side and beating his chest like a gorilla.
Then he vaults back on top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat performance.
The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second encounter.
Somehow the Aussie has completely recovered from his previous exhaustion!
After nearly half an hour of wild activity in every possible position, the gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows another shot of the mysterious liquid.
Once more he dives under the bed, emerges on the other side, beats his chest and commences to make love all over AGAIN.
The girl is just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the same blistering pace as before. In the darkness, she can't properly see what kind of tonic is causing these incredible transformations, but she sure likes the effect.

More than an hour later, after another repeat of the strange drinking ritual on his part, and a whole string of ecstatic multiple orgasms on her part, the Danish girl is now feeling rather faint herself.
"Just a minute, big boy," she whispers to the panting bald-headed Aussie, "I think I need to try some of your tonic!"
She rises unsteadily and pours a small shot of the liquid.
She braces herself for some sort of medicinal effect, but actually it just tastes like Coca-Cola.
Then she stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives under the bed - only to smash straight into the three other exhausted members of the Australian relay team.

 

[Kaktuscpl]

I've got my pawpaw's "Nash Rambler convertible " in the garage, don't remember what year it is 

[secondjag]

5 hours ago, Kaktuscpl said:

I've got my pawpaw's "Nash Rambler convertible " in the garage, don't remember what year it is 

Sweet Kak, gotta be worth something.

To prepare for his big date, the young man went up to the roof of his apartment building in order to get a little color for himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep, and managed to get sunburned on his "tool of the trade." Being very determined he decided not to miss his date because it was with a hot blonde. He decided to put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze, feeling this should resolve his painful situation.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, he treated her to a home-cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, his sunburn started acting up. After several minutes of extreme discomfort, he asked to be excused, went to the kitchen, and poured a tall, cold glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.
The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his ‘Johnson’ immersed in a glass of milk. Baffled the blonde exclaimed, "So, THAT'S how you load those things!"

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you have sex with me?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on!  Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on!  There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way.  It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much!"
"No, no, and no.  I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can.  Please?"
"No, no.  I just can't"
"I'm begging you..."
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs comes on, and the girl's older sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice, she says:
"Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it... or if need be mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"

 

 

[secondjag]

Three girls worked in an office with the same female boss and each day they noticed that the boss left work early. 

One day the three decided that when their boss left, they would leave shortly after her.

After all, she never came back to work so she would never know that they went home early too.

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent time playing with her son and enjoyed her evening.
The redhead was pleased to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprised her husband but when she got to her bedroom she heard noises coming from inside. 

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her boss lady riding her husband’s dick. Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, during their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going to do likewise.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed.  "I almost got caught yesterday!!"

 

[secondjag]

Sadie had been widowed for a few years and very lonely, and finally consented to going out on a date with Morris, the gentleman her fixed her up with.
Morris picked her up, and they went on a picnic in a very secluded spot.
Morris also had been widowed for a long time and found himself very attracted to Sadie, and despite her resistance at first to his advances, he finally was able to make love to her.
Sadie was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed "I don't know how I can face my , knowing in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!"
Morris said "What do you mean "twice" we only did it once?"
Sadie looked at Morris and said, "...Well, we're going to do it again, aren't we?"

 

A woman goes to a doctor to discuss her husband's impotency problem.
The doctor says just give your husband these pills in his next meal and stand back.
The woman goes home and hands the pills to her cook who was preparing dinner for a dinner party later that night.
The woman says to the cook, "just put two of these in my husband dinner tonight".
As the woman walks out of the kitchen the cook thinks, sure, like I got nothing better to do, and she throws the whole bunch into the soup.
As the guests were sitting down to dinner, the cook comes out of the kitchen and advises the lady of the house that she must speak to her in that there is a big problem in the kitchen.
The lady of the house follows the cook into the kitchen and demands to know what is going on.
The cook admits to throwing all the pills into the soup and cries "I don't know what to do, the meat balls have doubled in size and the vermicelli is standing straight up."

An old man asks his wife: "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?" 

 

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he performed the surgery at no charge." 

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time." 

 "Alright," Martha said. "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?" 

Henry fainted...

 

 

 

[Peter C]

On 4/27/2022 at 3:04 PM, Kaktuscpl said:

I've got my pawpaw's "Nash Rambler convertible " in the garage, don't remember what year it is 

I'm sure here in the UK they were marketed as Austin Metropolitans.

[secondjag]

A Chinese man had three daughters.

One day he asked his eldest what kind of man she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest .
He then asked his second who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second .
He finally asked his youngest who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground," said the youngest .

 

[secondjag]

Three honeymooning couples find themselves in adjacent rooms in a hotel.
As they are getting undressed, the first man says to his wife, "What huge buttocks!" Much offended, she threw him into the corridor.
The second man, also undressing, says to his wife, "Christ! What huge breasts!"
She is also greatly offended and throws him out into the corridor.
Several minutes later, the third newlywed husband arrives in the corridor as well.
The other two ask, "What happened? Did you put your foot in it?"
"No, but I could have!" the third man replied.

 

Dear Diary

Day One:

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets.

Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter -

The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip.

It will be my first one - and I can't wait!

DAY 2:

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins.

Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

DAY 3

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck.

The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.

Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DAY 4

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino.

The Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin.

Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the

night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. The Captain saw me,

bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming.  Again, asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again, I declined.

He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship...I was shocked.

DAY 6

Today, I saved 2,600 lives.

Twice.................

Three men walk into a bar and sit down at the counter.
The first thing that the bartender tells them is not to go into the back room, it is forbidden!
Naturally, as soon as the bartender leaves, one of the men goes into the room.
He sees a really hot, big-breasted woman in there and hundreds of penises all over the walls.
She walks up to him and grabs him by the nuts and asks him what his father did for a living.
He tells her that he was a meat grinder....so she pulls out a meat grinder and grinds up his dick....he runs out screaming.
The second man goes in the room and the same thing happens, except he says, “My father was a butcher.”
So she chops it off and he runs out screaming.
Then the third man goes in and once again the same thing happens.
But when she asks what his father did, he says, “He was a lollypop tester.”

 

[secondjag]

Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other.
The first mouse says, "You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat 'em like candy."
The second mouse, not to be outdone says, "Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us?
What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down, I grab it and do bench presses with it."
The third mouse says, "You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I'd love to keep hanging out with you here, but I gotta go fuck the cat."

 

[secondjag]

An elderly man was having a calm walk when he happened to pass a brothel.
One of the prostitutes called out, “Hey Grandpa! Why don't you try?”
The old man replied, “No, my child, I cannot!”
The prostitute, "Cheer up!!! Let us try!!!"
The elderly man entered, and performed like a 25-year old.
The prostitute said, “Oh Gosh! And you still say you cannot?”
The old man replied, “Ah, the sex I can. What I cannot is pay for it!!”

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.
"Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, some stranger walks up beside him and whispers, “Would you be willing to give up a quarter of your sex life to sink the putt?"
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sounds good to me," and promptly sinks the putt!
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gosh, I wish I could get an eagle on this one."
The same stranger is suddenly at his side again and whispers, “Would it be worth giving up another quarter of your sex life to make an eagle?"
Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And, amazingly, he makes the eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, “Could winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?”
"Definitely," the golfer replies, and sure enough he makes the eagle and wins the match.
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks along beside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I’m Satan, and from this day forward you really will have no sex life at all."
“Nice to meet you," the golfer replies. "I'm Father O'Malley.”

 

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies.

 That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep. When she went past her oldest 's room, she heard screaming. Then she went to her second ’s room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest 's room and she couldn't hear anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest , "Why were you screaming last night?" The replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt, I should scream."
"That's true." She looked at her second . "Why were you laughing so much last night?"

The replied, "Mom, you always said that if something tickled you should laugh." "That's also true."

 Then the mother looked at her youngest . "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

 The youngest replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

 

Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however the laundry always gets wet.

 All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.
So one day they are all out in the backyard putting clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"
"Well," says Sophie, " when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."
"What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.
"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry!"