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Awakenings Ch. 01


The Beginning



I write stories that celebrate the cuckold hot wife life style. I also try to write romantic stories. Despite their alternative lifestyle my hot wives and their cuckold husbands always have a deep and abiding love for each other.


Every one of us is a unique individual. We enjoy different kinds of music, art, food and recreational activities. We also enjoy a variety of sexual desires and fantasies. These differences are neither good nor bad, they're just different. If you can accept that you might enjoy this story. If sexual desires that vary from your own offend you or make you uncomfortable I strongly suggest that you find something else to read. 


People sometimes get confused and make decisions that they later regret. That of course is part of the ongoing drama of life. It also provides the conflict that makes a story interesting.



Jeanne, my wife of twenty-seven years and I had just finished doing the supper dishes. We didn't need to wash them by hand, we had a dishwasher. We chose to do it because it was a habit, a pleasant habit. For years Jeanne and I along with our daughters, Jodie and Tricia had done them every night together. 


Jodie and Tricia were now gone. They'd graduated from college, Jodie a year ago and Tricia two years ago. Both of them had good jobs and nice apartments. They were on their own and Jeanne and I were now on our own. 


For Jeanne and me, washing the dishes together was one way to relive the fond memories of the past.


Don't misunderstand what I'm telling you. We weren't wallowing in despair because our daughters were grown and gone. We were both only forty-nine years old and leading full vibrant lives. I ran a small but very successful accounting office and Jeanne was a legal secretary for one of our city's most prominent law firms. I managed to play eighteen holes of golf three times a week and Jeanne belonged to a fitness club and worked out almost every day.


Still we were growing older. I had a middle aged paunch and my hair was thinning. While Jeanne was still a very sexy and beautiful woman, she was starting to find an occasional gray hair and lines and wrinkles were beginning to appear around her eyes and mouth. 


After we finished drying and putting the dishes away we wiped off the counter tops and cleaned the sink. Once that was done Jeanne turned to me. Taking a deep breath, she said; "Micheal, I'd like to talk to you in the living room."


The serious tone of my wife's voice concerned me. Suddenly worried that something was gravely wrong, I said; "Yes, of course."


We walked quickly into the living room. Expecting that Jeanne would sit next to me, I sat on the couch. She surprised me and sat in the arm chair across from the couch. This heightened my anxiety.


For what seemed like an eternity, but was most likely only a few seconds, Jeanne stared at me. Feeling even more apprehensive, I waited. Finally she began. "Michael, I suspect that what I'm about to say is going to shock you and probably upset you. I'm asking, no begging you to please hear me out before you respond."


Now overwhelmed with alarm and barely managing to maintain my composure, I answered; "All right, I'll try."


"Thank you." Jeanne smiled and then she took a deep breath."Michael, I'm going to have an affair."


I looked at my wife with a shocked expression and said; "What did you just say?"


Obviously trying to maintain her calm, Jeanne repeated her statement. "I'm planning to have an affair."


"I don't understand? Are you telling me that you're in love with another man?"


Vehemently shaking her head, Jeanne answered; "No absolutely not! It's just going to be sex."


"Just going to be sex? You're telling me that you're planning to start fucking some other guy just for the fun of it?" I was starting to get angry.


Jeanne said, "Michael try to control your temper. Please listen to me."


"Control my temper! Shit Jeanne, you're telling me that you're going to cheat on me."


"No I'm not."


"You just told me that you're going to start fucking another man. That's cheating."


"No it's not. It's only cheating if I do it behind your back."


I stared at my wife for a moment and then slowly shaking my head, I said; "Jeanne, what's gotten in to you? This is crazy. You're going to tear my heart out if you do this."


"Michael, you're taking this all wrong. I still love you. You're the only man I'll ever love. This is just something that I need to do for myself. When we got married I was a virgin. You weren't. You've experienced other women. I've never experienced another man. I've decided that's an experience I'd like to have. If it's going to happen I have to do it now while I'm still young enough to attract another man."


"Jeanne, what are you talking about? You lost your interest in sex at least tens years ago."


"What do you mean?"


"It's been ten years since you've shown any desire to have sex, at least with me."


"Don't be silly, of course I've been interested in sex."


"Really? When was the last time you initiated sex? When was the last time you gave me a blow job? When was the last time you let me eat your pussy? When was the last time we made love in any way other than the missionary position? When was the last time you even let me see you naked?"


My questions struck home. Clearly shaken, Jeanne stared at me. The silence was deafening. Finally she quietly answered; "I'm sorry Micheal. I know I haven't been the best wife in this area for a while. I guess that sex for us just grew stale."


"Stale? Who's fault is that Jeanne? How many times have I suggested things we could try that might spice up our lovemaking. I'll tell you how many. Lots of times, I've done it lots of times and every time I did it you shot me down."


"Michael, don't you understand? That's what I'm doing now. I'm doing this for us. This is going to rekindle my interest in sex. When this affair is over, I'm going to be your loving wife again and you're going to get more blow jobs than you can possibly imagine."


"But another man is going to get them first, isn't he Jeanne."


"Micheal, please understand. I need this."


"You need this. You know what Jeanne, you're not the only one who could use some extra sex. How about if I go out and get a little on the side too?"


"Don't be silly. Look at you Michael. You're losing your hair and you have a middle aged paunch. What woman would want you?"


Appalled by that statement, I stood up. "Well then, there we have it. Apparently I don't do it for you anymore, do I Jeanne? I think this conversation has come to an end."


I turned and started to walk out of the room, but after a few steps I stopped and turned back to my wife. "Jeanne, when is this affair going to begin?"


Clearly upset and having to work to hold herself together, Jeanne quietly said; "Tomorrow night, I have a date."


"A date, tomorrow night; so you've already selected the lucky guy."


"Yes." Jeanne answered in a whisper.


"So who is he?"


Jeanne stared at me for a moment and then she shook her head and said; "No Michael, this has nothing to do with you. This is for me. Who he is is none of your business."


"What! None of my business? Tomorrow night my wife of twenty-six years, the mother of my two daughters, is going to cuckold me with another man and you have the audacity to tell me that his identity is none of my business! Jeanne I apparently no longer know who you are." On that note I turned and and stormed out of the room.


Woodworking is one of my passions. I have a shop in my basement. I took refuge there. I was building a coffee table for Jodie, my youngest . I was setting a piece of wood that was going to become a leg into my lathe when I sensed Jeanne's presence. I froze.


In a whisper, she said; "His name is Derek Fisher. He's a lawyer, but he works for a different firm. We've had several lunches together. He's married."


I turned. "He's married?"


"Yes, I think it's better that way. It reduces the chances for emotional involvement on his part."


"It also means that you're not only going to defile our marriage, you're also going to defile his."


"Michael, why can't you understand this?"


"Oh I do understand. I have a belly and I'm losing my hair. You're not attracted to me anymore."


"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. It came out wrong. Michael, I still find you very attractive. You're the man of my dreams."


"If I'm the man of your dreams then why are you going to fuck someone else tomorrow night?"


"Please understand, this is an experience I need to have."


"Jeanne, I have been faithful to you for the entire twenty-six years we've been married and my intention was to remain faithful to you until the day I died. I will never understand what you're doing."


"Michael, I have to do this."


"Then I don't think we have anything more to talk about, because I will never give you my blessing."


Slowly nodding, Jeanne said; "Very well." And then she turned and walked back up the stairs."


The next day was Wednesday. I supposed that Mr. Derek Fisher had to take my wife out on a week night rather than a weekend so that he could tell his wife that he was attending a meeting of some sort.


I'd been much too angry to even consider sharing a bed with Jeanne so I spent the night in Jodie's old room. As it turned out I was too agitated to sleep. I tossed and turned all night and finally gave up at 5:00 am. After a quick shower I dressed and was out of the house by 5:30. I admit I was trying to avoid Jeanne.


My anxiety about what was going to happen that night made it difficult to focus on my work. The minutes crawled by. I passed some of the time by trying to figure out what I was going to do if Jeanne really did carry out her threat to go out on this date. 


Unfortunately I had one account who's file I absolutely had to update that day, so I was forced to try to focus my attention and complete that task.


By the time I was finished updating the file it was almost 5:30. I didn't really want to see Jeanne before she went out, but I knew that wasn't a choice. If I didn't see her I was going to have to spend the entire evening wondering if she really did do it.


Since I didn't actually know what time Jeanne was planning to leave, I hurried home. I pulled into our garage at 6:05. I was relieved to see that Jeanne's Honda was still parked in her stall. 


I went inside. As I approached our bedroom I could hear Jeanne bustling about. Not having any desire to watch my wife get ready for a date with another man, I retired to the living room and tried to read the newspaper.


At 6:25 Jeanne emerged from the bedroom. When she walked into the living room and saw me, she stopped. Obviously startled by my presence, she said; "You're home."


"I generally try to come home after work."


"Yes, of course."


Jeanne looked absolutely ravishing. She was wearing a black cocktail dress that I'd never seen before. She'd obviously had her hair done. Her makeup was perfect and she was wearing her favorite string of pearls. They'd been a present from me on our fifteenth wedding anniversary. 


"You look very nice tonight."


"Thank you, I tri..." Suddenly realizing that I wasn't likely to appreciate a description of her efforts to look nice for another man, Jeanne stopped herself in mid sentence. After a short pause, she just said, "Thank you."


"Is that a new dress?"




The tone of my wife's voice made it clear that this conversation was making her feel uncomfortable. That didn't bother me at all. What she was doing was making me feel uncomfortable.


Continuing, I said; "I see that you got your hair done."


"Yes, this afternoon."


"You must have left work early."


"Yes, I did."


"It's been a long time since you bought a new dress and got your hair done for an evening out with me."


Closing her eyes, Jeanne sighed and said; "Michael, please don't do this. Please don't make a scene."


"What prompted you to say that? Considering the situation, I think I'm being incredibly well behaved."


Jeanne nodded. "Yes, actually you are."


"What time are you going to meet him?"


"I'm not going to meet him. He's picking me up here."


"He's picking you up here! What time?"


"6:30, in just a minute or two."


"Jeanne, it's August. It's still broad daylight outside. What are the neighbors going to think when they see you get into another man's car obviously dressed for a night out on the town. Are you trying to hhhhhhhhh me?"


A look of absolute horror flooded Jeanne's face. "Michael, I'm sorry. I don't know what I as thinking." Grabbing her purse, she said; "I'll call him on my cell phone."


I glanced out the window. A black BMW was pulling up to the curb in front of our house. "Jeanne, don't bother. It's too late. Your boyfriend just arrived."


"Michael, he's not my boyfriend."


"Well he sure must be something because It's been years since I've seen you put this much effort into your appearance."


"Michael, I have to go."


"Jeanne, please don't do this."


"Michael, I have to." She turned and started for the front door.


"Jeanne, aren't you going to kiss me good bye?"


My wife froze. Slowly turning back to face me, she said; "I'm sorry Michael. Please forgive me. Of course I'm going to kiss you good bye. I'm just nervous and a little disconcerted right now."


Jeanne hurried back to me, kissed me on the lips and said; "Micheal, I love you, I really do." And then she turned and walked quickly back to the front door. 


As she opened it, I said; "Jeanne, I won't be here when you get home."


Jeanne stopped. She thought for a moment and then she turned to me and said; "Don't be silly, of course you'll be here when I get home. You're my husband and I'm your wife. You live here with me."


"Wives don't go out with other men."


"Actually Michael, many of them do. They just don't tell their husbands about it. Now I really do have to go. I'll be late, so don't wait up for me." And then Jeanne turned and hurried out the front door. 


I walked over to the window and looked out. Derek Fischer was standing on the curb next to the passenger side door of his BMW. He was a tall man, at least four inches taller than me. He was fit, ruggedly handsome and had a full head of dark wavy hair. It was easy to understand why my wife was attracted to him.


As soon as he saw Jeanne coming down the front steps he opened the passenger door and stepped towards her. When she reached him he greeted her and then to my utter amazement, he put his arms around my wife and kissed her full the lips. As I watched Jeanne kiss him back my heart broke. They held their kiss for several seconds and then Jeanne suddenly pushed him away and stepped back. 


After exchanging a few brief words Jeanne turned and looked nervously towards the front window. Since it was still broad daylight, I wasn't certain whether or not she could see me. At that moment I actually didn't care. As far as I was concerned our marriage had ended with that kiss.


Jeanne stared at the front of our house for a moment and then she turned and slipped into Fischer's car. As soon as she was settled he closed her door, walked around the car and got in on the drivers side. A second later they pulled away from the curb and disappeared down the street.


Once Fischer and my wife were gone I retrieved a suitcase and a garment bag from a storage cabinet in the garage. I brought them up to the bedroom and quickly packed enough clothing for a week. I carried the bags back down to the garage and placed them in the trunk of my Lexus. As soon as that was done I went back into the house, found a pen and a note pad, sat down at the kitchen table and wrote a note to my wife. 


Dear Jeanne,


Thank you for twenty-six wonderful years and two beautiful daughters. 


While I will always love you, I will never agree to share you with another man.




After I finished the note I placed it in the middle of the kitchen table and took a long slow walk around the house. As I moved from room to room I tried to focus on the wonderful memories around me, but I couldn't stop imagining my wife laughing and flirting with Derek Fischer. 


Eventually I gave up. Returning to the kitchen, I stared at my note for almost a minute and then with a sigh; I closed my eyes, took off my wedding ring, set it on the table next to the note and walked deliberately out to the garage. Trying not to think, I got into my car and pushed the button that opened the garage door. As I backed into the street I took one last look at the house where I'd spent the most important years of my life and then I shifted my Lexus into drive and accelerated down the street.


I drove to a motel near my office. On the way, I made two stops. The first was at a MacDonalds where I bought a cheese burger and an order of french fries. The second was at a liquor store where I purchased a liter of very good scotch. I didn't get drunk that night, but I did have three stiff drinks.


The drinks helped. At 10:30 I turned off my cell phone, went to bed and actually fell asleep.


I woke up at 6:30. As soon as I realized where I was and why I was there I was overwhelmed by a deep sorrow. 


I could have easily spent the entire day lying in that motel room bed wallowing in my misery. I didn't. I knew that it wasn't healthy and I also understood that I had to go to work. Regardless of how lousy my life was, I still had a business to run.


I willed myself out of that bed and into the shower. The shower and a shave helped. Feeling stronger, I put on a shirt, a necktie and one of my business suits and left for work.


It was still only 7:15. I was hungry, so I stopped at Lyle's cafe to get some breakfast. While I was waiting for my eggs, sausages and toast; I turned on my cell phone. There were three messages. Predictably, they were all from Jeanne.


The first one was left at 12:14. Jeanne had gotten home earlier than I'd expected. I listened to it:


"Michael, please call me. You're taking this much too seriously. My fling with Derek is just for sex. He means nothing to me. You're the only man I love. Now quit being childish and call me. I want you to come home. We belong together."


I moved on to the next one. It was left at 12:40.


"Michael, stop being foolish and call me. If we talk I'm sure we can work this out. I love you and only you. Baby, please call me."


The third message was left at 1:10. It was clear that Jeanne had waited exactly thirty minutes before she called me again. 


"Michael, you're scaring me. Please call. I don't care if it's four in the morning, just call me. We have to talk. I don't want to lose you over something as insignificant as this. It really isn't that important." 


I deleted all three messages and shut off my telephone. I wasn't yet ready to talk to Jeanne and based on her messages, she wasn't ready to talk to me either. Jeanne kept saying that her affair with Derek wasn't a big deal. She was wrong about that. It was a very big deal.


I walked into the reception area of my accounting firm's office at 7:58. My secretary and office manager, Ruth Wilkins was already at her desk. Ruth made it a point to always be in the office before her day officially started at 8:00 AM.


When she heard me come in, Ruth looked up at me and smiled. "Good morning Michael." 


Smiling back, I said; "Good morning Ruth."


As I passed by her desk on my way to my office, Ruth said; "Michael, Jeanne just called. She sounded upset. I think you'd better call her."


I stopped. After taking a second to consider what Ruth had just told me, I said; "Ruth, Jeanne and I are in the midst of a major disagreement. For the time being I would prefer to avoid talking to her. I'm certain that she's going to call again. When she does I want you to tell her that I'm unavailable."


Page 2 of 2

Ruth stared at me for a moment, but then she nodded and said; "Certainly." Ruth wasn't only a good secretary, she was a close friend.


I went into my office and closed the door. As I was taking off my suit coat, the door opened and Ruth walked in.


"Michael I've been your secretary for eighteen years. Our families have taken vacations together. Your girls used to babysit for my kids. Jeanne and I are like sisters. If you're having a disagreement with her you have to try to resolve it. The only way to do that is to talk to her."


Shaking my head, I looked at Ruth and said; "I don't think this problem can be resolved."


"Of course it can. Everything can be resolved. You just have to try."


"Ruth, last night Jeanne went out on a date with another man."


Ruth stared at me for a second and then she said; "You mean a business dinner. So what? You sometimes have to entertain female clients."


"No Ruth, this was a date. They had sex."


"What? I don't believe it. Jeanne wouldn't do that."


"Believe me, she did exactly that."


"Are you sure?"


"Yes, her boyfriend picked her up at our house at 6:30 last night. Before they got into his car, he actually kissed Jeanne on the lips in our front yard."


"You saw that?"


"I watched from the front window."


"Why didn't you stop her?


"I tried. I asked her not to go and when she did go I told her that I'd be gone when she got home. Ruth, I'm not going to physically restrain Jeanne. She's an adult. She gets to make her own choices, but so do I. If she wants to date other men, she's going to do it without the man she's been married to for twenty-six years."


"She really did that?"




"When she calls again, can I talk to her?"


"I can't think of any reason that you shouldn't."


"All right; when she calls, how do you want me to handle it for you?


"Do exactly what I instructed you to do earlier, tell her that I'm unavailable."


Ruth returned to her desk. I sat down at mine and tried to work. It was impossible to concentrate. Setting my work aside, I focused my attention on the problem that was monopolizing my thoughts. My wife was sleeping with another man. What was I going to do about it?"


I started my search for solutions by trying to brainstorm possible options. The first of course was to cut all ties with my philandering wife and never talk to her again. That was one extreme. The other was to accept her fling and continue living with her while trying to be oblivious to what she was doing.


I thought about those two choices. The second wasn't an option. There wasn't any possibility that I could sit at home patiently waiting while my wife was out having sex with another man.


The first choice wasn't much more palatable. I loved Jeanne. We'd spent twenty-six wonderful years together. She was the mother of our children. The thought of spending the rest of my life without her was devastating.


There had to be third option. I stared at the wall, thinking. Why was Jeanne doing this? Was she in love with this Derek guy? Was I a dud in bed? Had I been a terrible husband? Had she decided that she didn't love me anymore? Was this some kind of midlife crisis? It could have been any of those reasons and there were probably other explanations too. I didn't know and that disturbed me. Finally I came to the conclusion that I didn't understand. I needed to know more and there was only one way to get more information, talk to Jeanne.


Just as I was reaching that conclusion, Ruth walked back into my office. "Michael, I just finished talking to Jeanne."


I looked at her.


Shaking her head, she said; "I don't know what's gotten into that woman. Somehow she's decided that having sex with another man isn't a big deal."


I sighed. "Now maybe you understand the agony I'm going through."


Ruth nodded. "Yes, I'm sorry. If David started sleeping with another woman I'd be devastated."


"Thank you."


"What are you going to do?"


Smiling, I said; "Believe it or not, I'm going to try to talk to her."


"You are?"


"Yes, I might be crazy; but before I can do anything I need to try to understand what's happened to our lives."


"Actually, that does make sense." Ruth was slowly nodding. "What can I do to help?"


"Get her on the phone."


"Right now?"


"Can you think of any reason to wait?"


"No I can't, I'll call her."


Ruth left my office. A minute later my phone rang. 


I picked it up. It was Ruth. "Michael, I have Jeanne on line one."


I said, "Thank you Ruth" and then I pushed the button for line one and said, "Hello Jeanne."




"Yes Jeanne, it's me."


"Michael, you're blowing this way out of proportion. Now grow up and come home."


I hung up.


A minute later my phone rang again. I picked it up. "Yes Ruth."


"Jeanne on line one."


"Thank you Ruth." I pushed the button for line one.




"Yes Jeanne."


"How dare you hang up on me."


I hung up again only this time I dialed Ruth's extension. "Ruth?"


"Yes Michael."


"If Jeanne calls again tell her I'm unavailable."


"I gather you didn't make much progress."




"Gonna try again later?"


"Of course, but she needs a little time to put things into perspective."


I waited. After two hours I called Ruth. "Have you heard from Jeanne?"


Laughing, Ruth said; "Just every ten minutes."


"Sorry about putting you through this."


"Michael, you're a great employer; not just for me, but for everyone who works here. Right now you need some help. I'm just glad that I'm in a position to give it to you."


"Thanks Ruth, I won't forget this."


"Don't even think about it. You've done plenty for David and me. Hell you loaned us the down payment for our house. Now, what do you want me to do about Jeanne?"


"The next time she calls put her through."


"You got it boss."


Five minutes later my telephone rang. I picked it up. It was Ruth. "Michael, Jeanne's on line one."


I pressed the button for line one. "Michael Nolan."


"Michael, please don't hang up."


"Are you going to keep yelling at me?"


Jeanne yelled, "Are you going to start being reasonable?"


I hung up and immediately dialed Ruth. "Give me another hour."


"She's still not ready to talk?"


"Apparently not."


After an hour my phone rang again. It was Ruth. "Michael, Jeanne's on line one."


"Thanks Ruth, put her through."


When my telephone rang I picked it up and said; "Yes Jeanne."


"Michael are we going to talk about this?"


"Whenever you're ready."


"I've been ready for hours. You haven't been willing to talk to me."


"No Jeanne, you've spent the morning telling me to grow up and accept what you're doing. Clearly, I'm not willing to do that."


There was a moment of silence and then Jeanne asked; "Why, I've made it clear that I still love you."


"If you still love me, why did you choose to hhhhhhhhh me in front of the neighbors last night."


"Micheal, I'm sorry about that. I never should have let Derek pick me up at the house. That was wrong. I don't know what I was thinking. I apologize. We've already talked about it. From now on I'll meet him."


"Jeanne, you let him kiss you on our front lawn and don't try to tell me that it was just a kiss on the cheek. I saw it. He took you in his arms and kissed you like a lover and you kissed him back."


There was another moment of silence and then Jeanne asked; "You saw that?"


"Of course I saw it Jeanne. A man came to our house to pick up my wife for a date. Did you think I wouldn't be watching from the front window?"


"No, I...Michael I don't know what I was thinking."


"Jeanne, you made out with him on our front lawn."


"I'm sorry Michael. That was another mistake. I was excited and when Derek kissed me I kind of lost my cool."


"That wasn't the first time you kissed him like that, was it Jeanne?"


My wife was silent again. 




"No." She answered in a barely audible whisper.


"I see. Well, I guess that shouldn't be a surprise. This didn't just come out of the blue."


"Micheal please understand, it's just a silly little fling. It doesn't mean anything."


"Are you trying to tell me that the kiss on our front lawn wasn't romantic?"


"Yes, that's exactly what I'm trying to tell you." Jeanne's voice sounded hopeful.


"Okay, so tell me about your date."


"Michael, it wasn't a date. I keep trying to explain that to you."


"So you just went straight to the motel."


"Well no, of course not. We had to get something to eat first."


"So, where did you go, Denny's?"


"Certainly not, I was all dressed up."


"Yes, I noticed that. You even got your hair done and bought a new dress. It's been a long time since you did that for me Jeanne."




"What Jeanne?"


"Why are you making this so difficult."


"Me making it difficult? You're the one who's dating another man."


"I'm not dating Derek, this is just a harmless fling."


"I don't know Jeanne. You got your hair done, bought a new dress and he took you out to eat. It sure sounds like a date to me."


"Okay, maybe it was a date, but so what. It wasn't romantic."


"Okay, so it wasn't romantic. If he didn't take you to Denny's then you must have gone to MacDonalds."


"Of course not, don't be silly."


"So where did he take you?"


There was a pause. After a moment Jeanne asked, "Why is that important?"


"I think the restaurant he chose says a lot about his intentions."


"That's ridiculous. Derek knows that we're just getting together for a fling."


"If that's the case, why are you hesitating to tell me where you had dinner."


"Okay, if you must know, he took me to the Kensington Grill."


I hadn't expected that. I paused. The Kensington Grill was the fanciest and most romantic restaurant in our city. Jeanne and I went there once a year, but only once a year. It was where we celebrated our wedding anniversary.


After a moment I said; "The Kensington Grill? You and I go there once a year, don't we Jeanne."


Realizing the significance of what she'd just told me, Jeanne quietly answered, "Yes."


"What occasion do we celebrate there?"


Sighing, Jeanne quietly said; "Our wedding anniversary."


"And you didn't think his restaurant choice was significant?" Starting to get angry, I pressed. "What did you talk about during dinner Jeanne, baseball?"


"No, of course not."


"So what did you talk about?"


"I don't know, I guess our jobs and our families."


"Did you talk about me? Did he talk about his wife?"


"Yes." Jeanne's voice was nearly a whisper.


"Did you hold hands during dinner? You know, like you do with me?" During a fancy dinner my wife loved to hold my hand while we talked.


Again, in a whisper; "Yes."


"And you're telling me that I shouldn't be jealous?"


"Please Michael, you're blowing this way out of proportion."


Jeanne, I know you think I'm too fat and ugly to ever attract another woman..."


"Michael I apologized for that."


Ignoring her I continued; "Just for the sake of conversation let's pretend that I could attract another woman. How would you feel if you walked into the Kensington Grill and saw me sitting at a table holding hands with her?"




"How would you feel?"


"It didn't mean anything."


"How would you feel?"


"Damn it Michael, this isn't fair!" 


"How would you feel?"


"Michael why can't you understand?"


"How would you feel?"


Jeanne screamed; "Fuck you Michael! Fuck you!" And then she hung up.


Jeanne called back just before five. Ruth put her through.


"Hello Jeanne."


"Michael, I'm sorry I swore at you earlier."


"Apology accepted."


There was a long pause and then Jeanne asked; "Are you coming home tonight?"


"I hadn't planned on it."


"Please Michael, we need to talk."


"After last night I don't think we have anything to talk about anymore."


"Michael, don't say that. We've had twenty-six wonderful years together. We raised two beautiful daughters together. You're not going to throw all of that away over this, are you?"




"Michael, come home. Let me show you just how much I love you."


"Are you offering me sex?"


"Yes, that's exactly what I'm doing. You're my husband. I'm you're wife."


"Jeanne it's been at least three years since you've shown any interest in sex with me."


"I know Michael. I was going through a bad period. The girls didn't need me anymore, I turned forty-five. My breasts started to sag and I felt old and ugly."


"But now you're telling me that's all changed."


"Yes, it has."


"Because of Derek Fischer?"


Jeanne was silent. Finally in a very quiet voice, she said; "He did help me feel more self confident."


"And now you want to have sex with me."


"Yes Michael I want to show you just how much I love you."


"Why couldn't you have talked to me about how you felt or gone to a counselor?"


"What do you mean?"


"Last night I watched you stand on our front lawn and make out with another man. Jeanne I doubt that I'll ever be able to kiss you again without picturing you kissing Derek Fischer."


"No Michael..."


"And you had sex with him Jeanne. I don't think I'll ever be able to have sex with you again without being afraid that you're comparing me to Derek Fischer and wondering how I stack up against him."


"Michael, you're the only man I love. That's all that matters."


"Is it Jeanne? He's taller than I am, does he have a bigger cock? Is he better in bed than I am? Do you have more orgasms with him then you had with me?"


"None of that matters. All that matters is that I love you."


"Really Jeanne? For the past several years I've obviously bored you in bed. Now you meet this Fischer guy and suddenly your libido wakes up again. I'm guessing he must be a pretty good fuck. Damn it Jeanne, two nights ago you called me a fat bald headed old man who could never possibly attract another woman. You talked about feeling old and ugly, how do you think I feel right now."


I paused to take a breath and then I said; "No Jeanne, I'm not coming home tonight so that we can make love. The way I feel right now, I don't think I'll ever be able to make love to you again."


"Michael, No! Don't say that! You're reading this all wrong."


"Jeanne, last night I think you dealt a fatal blow to our marriage and I feel very bad about that. I was really looking forward to the freedom we were going to have now that the girls are grown and living on their own."


"Please Michael, I'll do anything to make this up to you."


"Are you going to stop seeing Fischer?"


"There was a moment of silence and then Jeanne said; "I suppose if you really want me to I could do that."


"If I really want you to, you could do that?" The tone of my voice reflected my anger.


Quickly realizing what she'd said, Jeanne tried to back track. "No! No! Of course I'll stop seeing him. I'll call him today and tell him that we're done."


"But you don't really want to do that, and that's what matters."


"No Michael, I'm upset right now. I'm not thinking clearly. Of course I'll stop seeing Derek."


"Unfortunately, I don't believe you want to stop seeing him and so every time you're late getting home, every time you have an evening social function and every time you take off to go shopping on a Saturday afternoon I'll wonder if you're meeting him. You see Jeanne, last night you not only destroyed our love; you also destroyed my trust."


"Micheal please, you can trust me; you know you can."


"Jeanne, a week ago I don't think I could have imagined not trusting you; but a week ago I couldn't have imagined you doing any of the things you've done during the past forty-eight hours. Frankly, I don't know what to think anymore. I feel like the foundation of my existence has been shattered."


"Michael No! Don't say that!" 


"Jeanne I asked you not to do it. I begged you not to do it. You ignored my pleas and did it anyway."


"I just wanted a little romance."


"And you didn't feel like you could get it from the man you claim to love. Well, there it is then. I guess there isn't much else to say. I hope your romance with Derek Fischer makes you happy."


"Michael you're twisting my words. That's not what I meant to say."


"Okay, what were you trying to say?"


"I felt old, ugly and useless."


"And then you met a tall handsome married man who turned on the charm and made you feel young, pretty and needed."


There was a long pause. Finally Jeanne said; "Yes, but when you say that it sounds like Derek was just using me and that's not true at all. He's a fine man. He loves his wife, but after three children she's lost all interest in sex. All we were doing was having a little fun together."


"And how do you think your little bit of fun is going to affect your two marriages?"


"It doesn't have to affect them at all."


"Really? It's already affected ours."


"But it doesn't have to, all you have to do is try to understand that this is just a meaningless affair."


"One that's now made me feel old, ugly and useless." I chuckled. "And the worst part is that the other night you made it clear to me that I'm so old ugly and useless that I could never even hope to find a woman who might be interested in having an affair with me."


"Michael I told you that was a mistake. It just popped out."


"But you did say it Jeanne and I have to believe that at this moment in our lives it was an accurate declaration of your feelings about me. In your time of need, when you were feeling old and ugly you didn't seek solace in my arms, you rejected me and sought comfort from a young handsome man."


"I never rejected you!"


"When was the last time we had sex? When was the last time you asked for sex? How many times have you turned me down when I asked for sex? Jeanne you've been rejecting me for several years now and this affair with Derek Fischer is the ultimate rejection."


There was a long pause. Finally Jeanne asked, "Michael it's obvious that I've hurt you. What can I do to make it up to you?"


"Are you going to keep seeing Fischer?"


There was another long pause and then Jeanne said, "I don't know."


"Then we don't have anything to more talk about. Good bye Jeanne."


"Michael wait! Please don't hang up."


"Jeanne, this is too difficult. You're tearing me apart. It's apparent that you've fallen in love with another man. Please just put me out of my misery and let me go. I'm a big boy, it will be difficult; but I will get over it."


"Michael I'm not in love with Derek and I don't want to end my marriage with you."


"I'm sorry Jeanne, right now your actions speak much louder than your words. If you cared about our marriage you never would have gone out with Fischer."




"Jeanne, I have to go."


"Can we talk again?"


"If you're going to keep seeing Fischer I don't see the point."


"Michael I..."


"I can't keep debating this. Jeanne I'm sorry, but you've worn me out. I have to hang up. Good bye Jeanne."


Micheal, Please!"


I hung up the telephone. It was after 5:00 pm. Ruth had gone home. The office telephones wouldn't be answered again until 8:00 am the next morning. My cell phone was already turned off. I was incommunicado and at that moment that was exactly what I wanted.


When I left the office I didn't feel like going back to the motel, so I started walking. After about an hour I realized I was hungry so I stopped at a Subway, bought a six inch sub, a bag of chips and a Diet Coke. I noticed a small park a block down the street from the Subway. It was a beautiful August evening, so I ate my dinner there.


After I finished eating I started walking again. Not wanting to get too far from my car, I walked in the general direction of my office. By the time I reached my car it was almost 8:00.


I was tired. I hadn't slept much the previous night and the walk had worn me out. I drove back to my motel, took a shower, drank three stiff Whiskeys and went to bed.

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Awakenings Ch. 02


Tricia, Jodie and Jennifer Rawlins.



I was up at 6:00 the next morning. Amazingly, I'd slept through the night. Feeling somewhat revitalized; I dressed, stopped at Lyle's Cafe for a quick breakfast and went into work. 


I was in my office at 7:15. As soon as I sat down at my desk I took out my cell phone and turned it on. It was time to reopen communication with the world. I had six messages. The first three were from Jeanne. They were all pleas to call her so that we could talk some more. I deleted them.


The fourth message was from Tricia, my oldest . "Dad, mom just called me. She was frantic. She said that you left her and she's sure you're going to divorce her. Dad, that can't be true. You love mom. I know you do. You could never divorce her. Please call me."


The next call was from Jodie, my youngest . "Daddy, Tricia called me and told me that you left mom. I called mom. She's distraught. I think she's having a nervous breakdown. Please call us. You have to talk to mom. You have to try to work this out."


The last call was again from Jeanne. It was another plea for me to call her.


I set my cell phone down. I knew that I had to call my daughters, but I wasn't certain how much I wanted to tell them. Jeanne was responsible for this mess. It was up to her to explain the situation to our daughters."


Deciding that my best course of action was to call Jeanne before I called Tricia and Jodie, I picked up my desk telephone and dialed Jeanne's cell phone. It was 7:30. I knew she'd be up getting ready for work.


After four rings Jeanne answered. "Michael, thank you for calling."


"Hello Jeanne."


Clearly uneasy, Jeanne quietly answered; "Hello Michael."


"Jeanne, Tricia and Jodie both called last night."


There was a long pause. Finally Jeanne said; "Yes I'm sure they did. What did they tell you?"


"I haven't talked to them yet. As you know, I had my cell phone off last night. They both left messages." 


"Are you going to call them?"


"Of course, they're our daughters. They're concerned and they deserve an explanation."


"What are you going to tell them?"


"I'm not going to tell them anything. Jeanne you created this mess. You're going to call them and explain the situation."


"I did call them last night."


"Yes, but you only told them that I left you. You didn't explain why."


"Michael, that's not true. I told them everything."


"Nonsense, you wouldn't dare tell them the truth."


Jeanne sighed. "Michael why are you creating such a fuss? You're making a mountain out of a molehill. This is just something I have to do. Once it's over I'll be the most loving wife you've ever imagined. I'll spend years expressing my gratitude."


"Jeanne, do you remember yesterday when I asked you the question that made you swear at me and hang up the telephone."


"Yes Michael, I really am sorry I did that."


"I'm going to ask that question again."


"No Michael, please don't"


"Jeanne if our marriage is going to have any chance to survive I have to ask it and you have to give me an honest answer."


Resigned, Jeanne said; "Okay."


"How would you feel if you walked into the Kennsington Grill and saw me sitting at a table with another woman and I was holding her hand?"


Jeanne started crying.


I waited for a moment and then I said; "Jeanne, answer the question."


After a few seconds Jeanne screamed; "Damn it Michael, I'd feel awful. I'd feel absolutely devastated."


"And that's how I feel right now."


There was a moment of silence and then Jeanne quietly added; "But I shouldn't feel that way."


There was more silence. I waited. Finally Jeanne said; "Micheal I'm sorry. I was stupid. I did a lousy job of preparing you for this. I thoughtlessly dumped it on you all at once and that was unforgivable. I should have made sure that you felt loved and desired before I broached this with you and then I should have waited. I should have given you some time to get used to the idea. It all happened so fast. I was excited. I stupidly ignored your feelings."


"Jeanne, what are you talking about?"


"Michael, what I did with Derek was just sex. It had nothing to do with love. You have to believe me, you're the only man I'll ever love."


"Yeah well last night this Derek guy got a whole lot more sex than the man you love has gotten in a very long time."


"I know Michael and I'm ashamed about that."


"Are you Jeanne? I'm a bald headed, overweight, old man that other women would never find attractive. How could you possibly be interested in sex with me?"


"Damn it Michael, I'm sorry I said that. I'll regret those words for the rest of my life."


"But you did say them."


"Yes I did, but I didn't mean them. Michael, you cornered me and I lashed out at you. The truth is, I'm terrified that another woman might steal you away from me. You're a smart, strong willed, affluent man who also happens to be kind and loving. There are a slew of good looking divorced women our age who would love to get their hooks into you. If you want to get laid, all you have to do is start sending signals that you're available."


"Like you did with your stud."


"Yes, like I did with Derek. That's true Michael, but there's a difference. Derek doesn't want to steal me from you. He just wants to have sex with me. Those women want you, they want all of you."


"But you gave Derek something that you weren't giving to me."


"Yes, I did do that and I regret it. Michael if you'll just give me the opportunity, I'll spend the rest of my life making that up to you."


I didn't respond. I didn't know what to say. While part of me wanted to believe Jeanne, another part of me was writing this off as more bullshit.


Jeanne waited. After a few seconds she said; "Michael say something, please say anything."


"I don't know what to say."


"Michael, have I destroyed our marriage?"


"I don't know, it's possible."


"Please don't say that. There has to be a way."


"Jeanne you still haven't told me that you're going to stop seeing Fischer."


"Do I have to? Michael you have to believe me, it really is just sex."


"Sex that I've been denied."


"That will change, I promise."


"You mean that when you're not partying with your stud, you'll favor me with an occasional mercy fuck."


"A mercy fuck? Of course not. They won't be mercy fucks and they won't be occasional either."


"Jeanne you haven't condescended to have sex with me for several months. Why should I believe that you suddenly find me desirable?"


"Michael, you're not hearing me. My indifference to sex had nothing to do with you. It was about my own insecurity. I felt old and ugly."


"You called me an overweight, bald headed old man who could never attract another woman."


"God Dammit Micheal, I didn't mean that!"


"You said it!" I sighed. "And I can't stop hearing you say it and I can't stop seeing Fischer kissing you on our front lawn."


"Michael I screwed up. I screwed up badly. I made a mistake. It was a big mistake. We all make mistakes. You have to forgive me."


"Are you going continue seeing Fischer?"


There was a long pause. Finally Jeanne said; "No of course not. I really don't want to lose you over this."


"But you'd like to keep seeing him."


"Michael, what do you want me to tell you? Do you want me to lie?"


"No, but that last statement makes me believe that I can never again trust you." 


"Michael, I promise I'll stop seeing him. As soon as we're finished talking I'll call him and tell him that."


"And then you're going to call Jodie and Tricia and explain what's happened."


"They already know about everything."


"I don't believe you."


"Michael, call them."


"They really know?"


"Call them Michael."


"All right."


"Michael will you please call me after you talk to them."


Disconcerted by the discovery that my girls might actually know what Jeanne was doing, I said; "Yeah sure, of course I will."


"I have a busy morning. Will you call me after lunch?"


"Sure, right after lunch."


"Michael, this doesn't have to be the end of us. Talk to the girls, they'll help you understand."


"I will." I was feeling morose. My voice reflected my mood.


Jeanne said; "Michael I love you."


"Do you Jeanne, do you really?"


"Yes Michael, I really do."


"Right now I find that hard to believe."


"Michael call the girls, they'll explain everything."


"Okay, good bye Jeanne."


"Good bye Michael. I really do love you."


After ending the call I set my telephone back on its cradle, sat back in my chair and closed my eyes. I was confused. Jeanne seemed to be suggesting that the girls not only knew about her transgression with Derek, they approved of it. I didn't understand. How was that possible?


As I sat at my desk thinking, my cell phone rang. I picked it up. The caller ID said it was Tricia.


I pushed the button. "Hi Tricia."


"Hi daddy." 


There was an awkward silence. Finally I asked, "Did mom call you?"


"Yes she did." Tricia paused. After a moment she said, "Daddy?"


I waited.


Suddenly there was another voice. "Daddy, I'm here too." It was Jodie. "Daddy, I don't understand. Why are you acting like this? Mom loves you, I know she does."


"I don't know Jodie. Right now she's certainly not acting like she loves me." I told them about what happened when Fischer picked Jeanne up at the house.


Tricia said, "She told us about that dad. She regrets doing it. Now she realizes that she needs to be more discreet."


"She needs to be more discreet?" The statement puzzled me.


Jodie said, "Of course daddy, lots of people have fuck buddies; but almost everyone tries to be cautious about revealing it. Being indiscreet isn't cool."


"Are you telling me that the two of you have these", I paused for a moment and then I said, "You know, buddies."


"Yes daddy, we do."


"Tricia, you do too?"


"Yes daddy, you know him. It's Randy Parkman, we've been getting together since the summer after we graduated from high school."




"Yes, we're good friends and we enjoy doing it with each other. It's just fun."


"Tricia, you're engaged. Does Paul know about Randy?"


"Of course he does. I love Paul. I would never lie to him."


"And he's okay with it?"


"Yes daddy, Paul understands that I don't love Randy. It's just a little sex on the side."


"Does Jeanne know about Randy?"


Jodie said, "Mom's cool, we talk about this stuff all the time."


"Apparently I'm not cool."


"It's a little harder for a to talk about sex with her dad."


While I realized that Jodie was right, I also now understood that my daughters had most likely been the source of Jeanne's desire to experiment with other men. Suddenly feeling totally demoralized, I said; "I have to get back to work. Thank you for talking to me about this."


Picking up the change in my mood, Jodie said; "Daddy, we need to talk about this some more. It's really not that big a deal."


"Jodie, I'm sorry. I can't do that right now. Maybe we can talk again later."


"When daddy?"


"I don't know. I'm sorry, I really do have to go. Say hello to your mother for me." And then I ended the call and shut off my cell phone. 


I sat back in my chair and closed my eyes. For the first time in twenty-seven years I felt like I was alone, all alone.


Two minutes later my desk telephone rang. I picked it up. 


Ruth said; "Michael, your Tricia is on line 2."


"Ruth, I can't talk to her right now. It appears that she and Jodie actually encouraged Jeanne to have this affair."


"Michael, I'm so sorry. I'll take care of it. I'll tell them you're in a meeting and can't be disturbed."


"Thank you Ruth." I paused for a moment and then I said; "Ruth I need a break from all of this. For the rest of the day I just want to be an accountant. I have several files that require my attention. I'd like to work on them without being disturbed by anyone."


"I'll take care of it Michael. If there's a problem I'll pass it to Jason."


Jason Ridner was a very able accountant. He'd been with me for eleven years. I knew that he was capable of handling any problems that might arise. "Thank you Ruth, I appreciate this."


"Don't worry Michael, Jason and I are both in your corner."


After I hung up my telephone I wondered just how much Jason knew. As I sat back in my chair I realized that he most likely knew everything. Jason, Ruth and I were not only coworkers we were also close friends. If Ruth knew I had a problem she would have to tell Jason. That was all right with me. The support of two good friends would make it much easier for me to weather this crisis.


Ruth mounted an effective defense. I was left alone until the end of day.


At a quarter to five there was a knock on my door. "Hey boss, it's me Jason. Can we talk for a minute?"


Realizing that this conversation was inevitable, I said; "Sure Jason, come on in."


My door opened. Jason stepped into my office but stopped just inside the doorway.


"Jason please come in and sit down." I motioned towards the chair in front of my desk.


He smiled and sat down, but it was clear that he was still nervous.


"Jason relax, we're friends. I assume you already know what's happened between Jeanne and me."


Nodding, Jason said; "Boss, I'm so sorry."


"Thank you, it's been difficult."


"I'm sure it has. Is there anything Barb and I can do to help you? If there is please tell us. I called Barb this afternoon and told her what happened. She's absolutely distraught. Boss, I think Barb may love you even more than she loves me."


Barb was Barbara Ridner, Jason's wife. She was a wonderful woman and totally devoted to Jason just as Jason was totally devoted to her. They had the kind of marriage that until the past two days I'd believed Jeanne and I had.


Oh and Barb did love me, but not anywhere near as much as she loved Jason. About a year after Jason started working for me he came to me and confessed that he and Barb had made some imprudent decisions regarding their credit cards. They had five cards maxed to the limit. The monthly payments were killing them. Jason was doubly ashamed because he was an accountant and felt he should have known better. 


I resisted the temptation to lecture Jason. Instead I sat down with him and worked out a plan that would get them out of the mess they'd fallen into. I also financed the plan which allowed them to escape from the obscene interest payments they were being forced to make. Eighteen months later they were out of debt and Jason and Barb never forgot what I did for them. There wasn't any doubt in my mind that Barbara Ridner did love me. 


I laughed. "Jason, Barb will never love anyone as much as she loves you."


Jason nodded. "Yeah boss, I know that; but she does care about you."


"And I know that."


"So will you come over to the house for dinner tonight? After dinner we can have a few drinks. If you're too tired or too spiffed to leave you can stay in our guest room. What do you say boss? Barb is ready to put a pot roast in the oven."


"Jason I can't tell you how much that invitation means to me and if you offer it again in a week I'll happily take you up on it, but tonight I need to be able to think. Tonight it would be better if I stay at my motel and try to figure all of this out."


"You know that might be easier if you let your friends help you." Ruth was standing in the doorway to my office.


Nodding, I said; "Yeah Ruth, you're probably right; but this is a problem that permeates to the core of my existence. The decisions that I make right now are going to have a dramatic impact on the rest of my life. I need to make those decisions by myself."


"Okay boss, I understand. What do you want us to do?"


"Go home and have a wonderful evening."


Ruth looked at Jason. He nodded to her. She turned back to me and said; "We understand. We'll give you your space, but we need you to understand something too. We're your friends and we want to help you get through this. If you need us you have to promise to call. We don't care if it's three o'clock in the morning, we want you to call. Michael, you are not alone. Will you promise to call?"


"Yes, if I need you I'll call. I promise; but tonight I really do need to sort this out by myself."


Jason said; "We understand boss." He stood up and looked at me. I looked at him. He smiled. I smiled back. When he saw me smile he nodded and then he turned and walked out of my office. As he passed my secretary he took her arm and said; "Come on Ruth, right now this is a battle he needs to fight on his own."


Ruth held Jason's arm and said; "Just a minute." She turned back to me. "Michael."


"Yes Ruth?"


"Don't forget that the Montgomery's are coming in at 10:00 tomorrow morning."


Charles and Edith Montgomery were my two most important clients. Charles Montgomery's family started a trucking company in 1929. Montgomery Freight was now one of the largest shipping companies in the United States. Edith Montgomery was born Edith Chalmers. Her great grandfather, Benjamin Chalmers was a blacksmith who in 1921 realized that the emerging auto industry was desperately in need of precision metal parts. Chalmer's Tool and Die was now one of the largest automobile parts manufacturers in the world. Managing their financial interests alone was enough to keep my firm in black ink.


Charles and Edith were also friends. Jeanne and I had dined at their house and they had dined at ours. When their grandchildren were born we were present at the christenings. When our girls graduated from high school Charles and Edith attended the receptions. Our relationship was far more than just business.


If I had a meeting with the Montgomery's at ten in the morning, I would be there. Personal problems would have to move to the back burner. Nodding, I said; "Don't worry Ruth, I'll be here."


Smiling, Ruth said; "I'll be here too. I know just how much the Montgomerys mean to this firm."


As she turned to leave. I said; "Thank you Ruth, I appreciate that."


She stopped. "Boss, we all appreciate everything you've done for us." And then she disappeared out the door.


I spent the next two hours reviewing Charles and Edith Montgomery's files. When we met in the morning I wanted to be certain I was up to speed on their financial situation.


By seven o'clock I was confident that I understood their current status, so I closed their folders and locked them in my file cabinet. Once that was done I sat back and started thinking about my personal life. It was a mess. Jeanne was seeing another man and my daughters, the center of my universe, were encouraging her to do it. I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut. 


I contemplated divorce. While it was an ugly prospect I was in an untenable situation. I was beginning to feel like I didn't have a choice. That thought alarmed me. My father taught me to believe that there was always a choice.


It was a warm August evening. I decided to take a walk. It felt good to get outside. I passed a sandwich shop. Realizing I was hungry I stopped and bought a roast beef and cheese sandwich. I sat on a bus bench while I ate it. When I was finished I started walking again.


Dusk came, I kept walking. The night lights came on and the cocktail lounges, restaurants and night clubs started filling.


I passed a small bar, The Cosmopolitan Lounge. A neon sign in the front window advertised jazz piano. Deciding that it looked appealing and a glass of scotch would taste good, I went inside. 

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Awakenings Ch. 02


There were seven people in the bar. A fifty something, slightly overweight, balding bartender appeared to be in charge. An older, reasonably fit black man with salt and pepper hair was playing the piano. Two couples, both in their thirties were seated at separate tables talking quietly and sipping cocktails. The seventh person was an extremely attractive, well dressed middle aged woman. She was seated at the bar.


I sat down three stools to her right. As soon as I was settled the bartender came over and said, "Welcome to the Cosmopolitan. My name is Jerry. What can get you?"


"A double Chivas, two ice cubes and a glass of water on the side."


"You got it buddy." Jerry turned and started working on my drink.


The woman three stools to my left said; "You aren't in to single malts?"


I shrugged. "While there are certainly some excellent single malts, there are also lots of bad ones. Just being a single malt doesn't make it a good whisky. I happen to like Chivas. It's a nice smooth scotch. It may not be as prestigious as some of the fashionable single malts, but I enjoy it and that's all that matters to me."


"Dear me, an independent thinker. How absolutely exciting."


"I'm sorry, you initiated this conversation. Your sarcasm is neither welcome nor appreciated."


The woman turned so she was facing me. "I apologize. You're right, I asked you a question and you gave me an honest answer. My sarcasm was completely unwarranted."


"Apology accepted."


Jerry brought me my Chivas and the side of water. I took a sip of the scotch.


As I set my glass down on the bar the woman asked, "So what brings you into the Cosmopolitan tonight?"


I turned to her. "I'm sorry, you're a beautiful woman. I'm flattered that your even willing to acknowledge my existence, but I've had an awful week. I really don't have the energy to hook up with someone tonight."


"Now that's a question provoking statement if I've ever heard one."


"It wasn't meant to be, it's just the truth."


"Tonight I'm not trying to hook up with anyone either. I've had a hard week too, but you're an intriguing man and I do enjoy an interesting conversation."


Smiling, I said; "Okay, right now a little conversation would be good for me. Can I buy you a drink?"


"No, I have one and even if I didn't I wouldn't let you buy me one."


"Yeah, okay I get it; hey I really don't have the energy for games tonight." I turned away from her.


"That wasn't a rejection. I don't happen to believe in letting men buy me drinks. If I decide to talk to you I'll do it because I think you're nice or interesting or hopefully both. When I'm looking for a little intimate companionship, and that does occasionally occur, a man's not going to improve his position by buying me a drink. Sweetheart, a five dollar martini is not going to get you into my panties."


I had to admit that I found her honesty refreshing. I nodded to her, "Okay, I'm not offended."


"I'm sorry, I really am. I try to be honest, but sometimes I end up appearing insolent and rude."


"Yeah well we all have our problems."


"I get the feeling that you've had a very bad day. Would you like to tell me about it? Sometimes talking to a complete stranger can be quite helpful."


I stared at her. After a moment I said; "If you wouldn't mind, I really would like to talk to you about it."


"I wouldn't mind at all, but before you start revealing your deepest personal secrets I think we should introduce ourselves." She grabbed her martini and moved over to the bar stool next to mine. After setting her drink on the bar she extended her hand and said; "I'm Jennifer Rawlins".


I shook her hand. "I'm pleased to meet you Jennifer, I'm Michael Nolan."


Jennifer lifted her eyebrows. "Michael, not Mike?"


"You just introduced yourself as Jennifer rather than Jen or Jenny. I think I can raise the same question."


Jennifer smiled. "Touche, I like you Michael Nolan. You know how to stand your ground."


Shaking my head, I said; "I wish that was true."


"Oh my, that was a telling remark if I've ever heard one."


I shrugged.


She said, "Okay. it's obvious you have something you need to get off your chest so let's get it done. I'm all ears."


I spent the next half hour telling her everything. 


When I was finished Jennifer looked at me and said; "Damn, that reminds me of my own story."


"It does?" 


"Michael how old are you?"




"And Jeanne?"


"She's forty-nine too."


"And how long did you say you've been married?"


"Twenty-six years."


"How old are you're girls? I know you told me, but tell me again."


"Jodie is twenty-three. Tricia is twenty-four."


"I'm fifty-three. I've been divorced for eight years. I have a son, Tom who's now twenty-seven and a , Marybeth who's twenty-six. When my ex husband divorced me Tom was nineteen and Marybeth was eighteen."


"You say your ex husband divorced you, why?"


"I'm an administrative assistant for a local automobile dealership. He caught me in a motel room with one of the salesmen who works for the same dealership."


"You were cheating on him?"


"I certainly was."


"How long?"


"Three months, but that wasn't my first affair. There were two other guys before that."


"How long were those affairs?"


"Six or seven months, in both cases we eventually got bored with each other. You might say that both of those affairs died of natural causes."


"How did your husband finally figure it out. How did he catch you in the motel room?"


I was a self centered bitch."


"That's a little harsh."


"That's what I was. For almost two years I regularly gave it up to another guy while I forgot about the man I loved."


"You mean you stopped having sex with your husband."


"It happened gradually, but by the time I was in the middle of my third affair that was about it. Richard, that's my ex husband was lucky if he got a mercy fuck once a month."


"Why? Didn't you like him?"


"No I liked him, I loved him too. Hell Richard Marks is the only man I'll ever love."


"So why did you cut him off?"


"That's not the full question. I didn't just cut Richard off, I did it while I was regularly giving it up to another man."


"You almost sound proud of that."


Jennifer shook her head. "No I'm not proud of it. I'm ashamed of it."


"So why did you do it?"


"That's the million dollar question."


"Do you know the answer?"


"After several years of therapy, I think I do."


"Will you tell me?"


"It's complicated."


"It might help me with Jeanne."


"It might, but it also might not."


"I haven't got much to lose."


"You're not a middle aged woman. I'm not sure you'll understand."


"Again, what have I got to lose? I told you mine, now it's your turn to tell me yours."


"You've already heard most of it."


"Yes, but I haven't heard the why. That's what I'm dying to know."


"it might not be the same why with Jeanne."


"I know, but at least it might give me a place to start."


"Okay, I was forty-one. My two kids were in high school. 


I nodded. "I know, you were beginning to feel old and useless."


Jennifer bristled. "Michael, are you being judgmental?"


"Maybe a little. I'm getting old too."


"You have your career."


"You had a career too. You told me that you were an administrative assistant at an automobile dealership."


"Michael you own and run an accounting firm. Richard is a full professor at Kelroy College. I'm an administrative assistant. That's a fancy name for a secretary. I type documents and bring men coffee."


"Okay, you win on that one."


"It's not a matter of winning or losing, it's a matter of understanding."


"You're right, I understand.


"Do you?"


"I don't know. I'll try."


"That's a start."


"Okay, you were feeling old and unfulfilled." I held up my hand. "That was not intended to be a disparaging remark." 


"I'll accept that. Yes I was and I was also beginning to question my sexual desirability."




"I looked in the mirror."


"You're a beautiful woman."


"Thank you, I was when I was twenty-five and yes, men still tell me that now; but when I looked in the mirror I saw the changes in my skin and the lines that were beginning to appear around my eyes and mouth."


"We all get old. That's why marriage is so important. A husband and wife grow old together. Love allows them to accept the superficial changes that are occurring."


"You're absolutely right and I kept trying to tell myself that; but..." Jennifer's voice trailed off. 


I watched her.


After a moment she said, "Losing your sexual desirability is another issue."


"Did your husband lose interest in you?"


Smiling, Jennifer said; "No, I lost interest in him."


"You're not making sense."


"I lost interest in respectable sex."


"Respectable sex?"


"Proper sex, the sex a virtuous wife engages in with her husband."


"Was your ex husband a prude?"


Jennifer shook her head. "That's the saddest part of my depressing tale. He wasn't. I'm quite certain he would have loved some dirty nasty sex."


"You're losing me."


"Michael, my husband had me on a pedestal. I was his wife, the mother of his children and his idea of feminine perfection. Sadly it was a status that I enjoyed and one that I wasn't willing to risk. I didn't dare admit to that wonderful man that I had an insatiable desire to occasionally be a nasty cock sucking slut."


"He probably would have loved you even more."


"You're right and while I know that now, I didn't know it then. Being a model wife and mother was the core of my identity. I didn't dare risk that."


"So you had an affair."


"Two of them and I'm ashamed to admit that I did things for those men that I never did for my husband, the only man I will ever love." Shaking her head, Jennifer said; "Richard was the perfect husband, father and provider. I felt that I had to be the perfect wife, mother and homemaker and that included being a paragon of virtue."


Jennifer paused for a moment and then she said; "Michael, this country has an outrageous double standard about sex. On Sundays we go to church where we self righteously celebrate our uptight morality and virtuously condemn the Jezebels and Lotharios who violate our strict standards of respectability. That's our public facade. In private everything changes. As soon as we get home from church we log on to the Internet and eagerly seek out stories, movies and pictures describing every sexual perversion imaginable." 


Sighing, Jennifer said; "And eventually many of us succumb to our insatiable desire to act out those perverted fantasies."


"Perverted fantasies? Isn't that a little overly dramatic?"


"It is, but when you're a proper middle class wife and mother anything other than missionary position intercourse feels perverted and adventurous."


"And you didn't dare do that with your husband."


"I was ashamed to do it with him."


"But you did it with three other men."


"Men I barely knew. Men I hardly talked to when we were together."


"The anonymity was what made it work."


Jennifer smiled. "You're beginning to understand."


"It doesn't make it okay."


"No it doesn't, but I don't think this is an issue of right or wrong or good or bad. We're products of our culture."


I nodded, but then I said; "I gather that your husband didn't see it that way."


"No he certainly did not. I've repeatedly tried to explain it to him. He won't listen and I don't blame him. He hired a private detective. They had the motel room under both audio and video surveillance. He saw the things I did for my boyfriend."


"Things you didn't do for him."


"Michael I can't begin to describe how much I'd like to go back and change that. If he'd let me I'd spend the rest of my life as Richard's personal whore."


"Has he found another woman?"


"No, in fact I'm reasonably certain that he doesn't even date." Slowly shaking her head, Jennifer said; "I shattered his confidence."


Nodding, I said; "You made him feel old and undesirable."


"But he wasn't, he isn't. He still isn't."


"Men are every bit as vulnerable as women to the fears and self doubt that come with advancing age."


"I know."


"Jeanne called me a balding middle aged man with a paunch. She's tried to take it back, but those are words that are difficult to forget."


"Especially when you know that she was about to spend an evening in bed with another man, a younger man."


Sighing, I said; "Yes, that makes it much harder to forget those words."


"Michael this is a complicated situation. I'm sure your wife still loves you."


"I believe she does too."


"Do you still love her?"


"Yes, I do; very much."


"Then talk to her. Try to get her to go to a marriage counselor. Try to work this out."


"I'll call her. I'll talk to her. I'll even try to get her to go to counseling, but Jennifer." I paused.


She said, "Yes?"


"If I find out that Jeanne did things with this other man that she's refused to do with me." I sighed. "I don't think I'll be able to handle that."


"Michael please try to understand. We're products of a repressed, uptight culture. For many of us it's difficult to reconcile our physical desires with the puritanical ethics that were instilled in us while we grew up."


"I know; but love, sharing and mutual concern are also important. For the past several years I've been virtually celibate."


"Richard was too. I'm not attempting to justify either my behavior or Jeanne's. I'm just trying to tell you that it's complicated."


Nodding, I said; "I understand. Thank you, I appreciate your insights. I really do mean that."


Jennifer looked at the clock over the bar. It was 10:30. She finished her drink and stood up. "Michael while our conversation became quite serious, it was satisfying. I'm glad I met you tonight and I hope I see you again."


I smiled. "Our conversation was confusing and at times unsettling, but it was enlightening. Jennifer, you're a bright thoughtful woman. I enjoyed meeting you too."


Jennifer stared at me for a moment and then she said; "Call Jeanne."


"I will."


"Call her tonight."


"It's late."


"That doesn't matter. This is an issue that supersedes the social conventions regarding the time of day. Call her, do it now."


Realizing that she was right, I said; "Okay, I'll call her tonight."




"Yes, I promise."


"Good." Jennifer kissed my cheek and said; "Michael, you're a very handsome and desirable man. If it wasn't so obvious that you're still deeply in love with Jeanne I'd try to entice you to share my bed with me tonight."


Laughing I said; "Thank you Jennifer, that was kind. Right now my faltering ego needs every boost it can get." 


"Michael that wasn't an attempt to shore up your ego. That was the truth and if your marriage does collapse you're going to quickly find that out. Women are going to be hounding you for dates."


"Well I still am in love with Jeanne, so for the time being it's a moot point."


"I know and that's one of the many reasons you're so attractive." Jennifer kissed me again and said; "I wish you well sweet man." And then she turned and walked out of the bar.


As soon as Jennifer was gone I finished my scotch and said goodbye to Jerry the bartender.


It was 10:45 Friday night. When I stepped out of the Cosmopolitan Lounge First Avenue was bustling with activity. It was a warm August evening. People were leaving theaters and restaurants and walking to night clubs and cocktail lounges. Traffic in the street was almost as congested as it was at mid day. 


I walked over to a bus bench, sat down and took out my cell phone. As I pressed the speed dial number for my home telephone I wondered whether Jeanne would be at home or out on another date with her new boyfriend. While that afternoon she'd assured me that she was going to stop seeing Derek Fischer, I was skeptical.


Jeanne was at home. She picked up on the third ring.


"Michael, thank you for calling." Caller ID had identified me.


"Hello Jeanne."


"Where are you? We have to talk."


"I agree. I want to talk too. That's why I called."


"Come home, I'll make a pot of coffee."


"Jeanne I can't come home tonight."


"Why not?" The disappointment in Jeanne's voice was evident.


"I have a meeting at 10:00 tomorrow morning with Charles and Edith Montgomery. I need to get some sleep."


"A meeting with the Montgomerys; yes of course, that is important. You do need to get some sleep." While Jeanne was still disappointed, she understood. She knew just how important the Montgomerys were to my business.


"I'm sorry, but I do. The Montgomery account is important for both of us."


"I know Michael. When can you come home?"


"I'm sure I'll have a few details to attend to after the meeting. Why don't you plan on seeing me around 2:00."


"Okay, will you want some lunch?"


"I doubt that I'll have time to eat so a sandwich would be nice."


"I have some ham. I'll have a nice ham and cheese sandwich for you."


"Thank you Jeanne."


"Michael, I really am sorry about everything that's happened."


"I am too Jeanne. We'll talk about it tomorrow afternoon."


"I'm so glad you're coming home. I've missed you."


"I've missed you too."


"Michael, I'm hoping that tomorrow afternoon you'll give me a chance to show you just how much I love you."




"Baby, I've neglected you. I don't understand why, but I promise you that you'll never again be neglected."


"We'll talk tomorrow."


"Yes of course."


"Jeanne, it's late. I need to get back to my motel and go to bed."


Once again deflated Jeanne said, "Yes of course. I understand. We'll talk tomorrow afternoon."


"We will. Good night Jeanne."


"Good night Michael. I love you."


"I love you too Jeanne."


"Do you Michael? Do you really?"


"Jeanne, considering everything that's happened I think I'm the one who should be asking that question."


There was a brief silence and then Jeanne said; "Yes you're right. Michael I really am sorry. I can't tell you how ashamed I am about the way I've handled all of this."


"Good night Jeanne. We'll talk tomorrow afternoon."


"Yes of course, you need to get to bed. Good night Michael." Jeanne paused. After a moment she said; "Michael I really do love you."


"I know that Jeanne. I love you too. Good night."


"Good night Michael."


I ended the call, put my cell phone away, walked quickly back to my office and got my car. Once I was in my motel room I stripped off my clothes, brushed my teeth and got into bed.


As I was falling asleep I recalled something that Jeanne said during our telephone conversation. "I can't tell you how ashamed I am about the way I've handled all of this." That bothered me. She didn't say that she was ashamed about what she did; she said that she was ashamed about how she'd handled it.


Realizing that there was nothing that I could do about it at that moment, I put it out of my mind and closed my eyes. I was tired. Sleep came instantly.

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Awakenings Ch. 03


A fateful Saturday


I slept until 7:00 the next morning. Sleeping past 6:00 was rare for me. It had been a tough week. I needed the rest.
After a quick shower I dressed and left for my office. Even though I was planning to talk to Jeanne in the afternoon, I kept my motel room. I wasn't certain when I'd be ready to move back home.
I needed breakfast. I drove by Lyle's Cafe. It was Saturday morning. It was crowded. I didn't stop. Instead I pulled into MacDonalds and picked up an Egg McMuffin, an orange juice and a large coffee. That was plenty of breakfast for me.
I arrived at my office just after 8:00. Ruth and Jason were sitting on Ruth's desk drinking coffee. Even though it was Saturday morning I wasn't surprised to see that they were already in the office. They were outstanding employees. They both fully understood the importance of the meeting with the Montgomerys. When I walked in they smiled at me.
Ruth said; "Morning Michael, can I get you a cup of coffee?"
"Ruth, you don't need to bring me coffee."
"Michael, you're not only my boss, you're also one of my closest friends. While in this office it may not be necessary to get coffee for the boss, it certainly seems appropriate to bring it to my friends."
Smiling, I said; "Ruth I would love a cup of coffee."
While Ruth was getting me a cup of coffee Jason asked; "How ya doin this morning boss?"
"I'm okay Jason."
As Ruth handed me my coffee she asked; "Did you get any sleep last night?"
"Actually I did. I think I was too tired not to sleep."
They both nodded. Jason went into his office. A moment later he returned with a plate of cookies. "Barb made chocolate chip cookies yesterday. She sent a plate for us."
I grinned at him. "Jason you have a wonderful wife."
He grinned back. "I do boss, marrying Barb was the smartest move I ever made."
There was a moment of awkward silence. Our smiles disappeared as all three of us remembered that I also used to believe that about my marriage to Jeanne.
Ruth said, "Michael it's just a phase she's going through. You'll work this out."
Nodding, I said; "Last night I came to that same conclusion." I'd decided not to mention Jennifer Rawlins. My discussion with her raised issues that I didn't feel comfortable addressing with Ruth.
Smiling, Ruth said; "I'm glad. Making the decision to try to work things out is the first step towards actually doing it."
I nodded. There was a moment of serious silence and then I said; "Hey in a little over an hour the two most important clients this firm has are going to walk through that door. Before they get here let's make sure that all of our I's are dotted and T's are crossed."
The three of us moved into my office and started reviewing files. Ruth had joined us as a secretary, but she was a bright woman who learned quickly. While she lacked the formal training that Jason and I had, she had an exceptional practical understanding of accounting that made her input invaluable. 
We worked quietly. Occasionally one of us noticed a potential concern and we discussed it as a team. 
At 9:15 the telephone rang. Ruth picked up the phone on my desk. "Nolan Accounting, how may I help you?"
She listened for a moment and then she said; "Michael is right here, let me check with him. I'm going to put you on hold." She pressed a button on the telephone and looked at Jason and me. "It's Charles Montgomery's secretary. Mathew, their youngest son and his wife were involved in an automobile accident this morning. No one was hurt, but his car was totaled. They'd like to postpone the meeting until 2:00 this afternoon."
I said, "Tell them that 2:00 will be fine."
Ruth pushed another button on my telephone. "2:00 will be just fine. Mr. Nolan also said that he's relieved that no one was hurt and if there's any way he can be of assistance with the insurance claims, please let us know." That was one of the many reasons that Ruth was such a valuable asset to the firm.
Ruth set my telephone back on its cradle and said; "They're coming at 2:00."
I said, "Are we ready?"
Jason said. "The Montgomery account is as well maintained as any financial account in the western hemisphere. They could show up at 2:00 AM on a Sunday morning and we'd be ready."
"I agree. It's Saturday morning. All three of us have things we'd like to do. Let's adjourn and meet back here at 1:30."
Looking at me, Ruth asked; "Are you going to talk to Jeanne this morning?"
Sighing, I said; "It's a little scary, but it is what I need to do."
Ruth nodded. "Yes it is. I'll be back here at 1:00 in case you need to talk."
"Thanks Jeanne."
Jason said; "I'll be here too boss."
"Thanks Jason, you're good friend."
He smiled.
Ruth asked, "Are you going to call her and tell her you'll be early?"
I thought for a moment and then I said; "No, it's my house and Jeanne is still my wife. I shouldn't have to announce my arrival. I also think this might be better. I'm fairly certain that Jeanne was planning to throw a full court home maker press at me; fancy lunch, coffee, heaven knows what else. Her skills as a home maker aren't part of this question. I think an impromptu meeting might actually be more productive."
Ruth nodded. "Okay, I'll be back here at 1:00." She grabbed her purse and hurried out the door.
Jason said, "Boss I'll see you in four hours." And then he turned and followed Ruth out the door.
After spending five more minutes making certain that everything was in order for the meeting with the Montgomerys I left too. I was nervous, but it was time to talk to Jeanne.
During the drive to my house I thought about my previous night's conversation with Jennifer Rawlins. She'd suggested that it was likely that this was much more complicated than a simple case of Jeanne falling in love with another man. While I still wasn't certain how I felt about everything Jennifer had told me, I now believed that I needed to listen to Jeanne. She'd kept asking me to try to understand. I was now willing to listen and make an effort to do that. That still didn't mean that understanding was going to be easy or even possible.
I turned onto our street and pushed the button on my garage door opener. As the garage door went up my stomach did a flip flop. Jeanne's Honda was parked on her side of the garage, but there was another car parked on my side of the garage. It was a black BMW, a black BMW identical to the car Derick Fischer was driving when he picked up Jeanne on Wednesday evening. Last night Jeanne had assured me that she was going to end her affair with Fischer. Apparently she was lying.
Trying to control my building anger, I parked behind Jeanne's car. I was still thinking clearly enough to know that I didn't want to impede Fischer's ability to leave. I sat in my car and took several long slow breaths. While I was primed to storm into the house and make a scene, reason told me that there was a better course of action. This situation was a potential opportunity to learn at least a little bit of the truth. 
Instead of storming into the house I got out of my car, carefully closed the door and walked through the garage. After quietly opening the door to the kitchen I stepped inside and listened. I thought I could hear noises in the back part of the house, the part of the house where our bedroom was located.
I tiptoed through the kitchen, across the dining room and into the living room. The noises grew louder. I could hear talking. It was coming from the bedroom hallway. 
I entered the bedroom hallway. The master bedroom was at the end of the hall. The door was open. It was the source of the voices. They were in our bedroom. 
As I quietly walked down the hall I could hear a man's voice. "Damn Jeanne, you really do love to suck my cock, don't you."
Jeanne laughed. "I do. I think that surprises me even more than it does you; but it's true. I do love to suck your cock. I was taught to believe that cocks are dirty and nasty. Now I realize that's a lie. Cocks aren't dirty, they're wonderful. Your cock is wonderful. I love your cock. I love to suck your cock." Jeanne giggled. "A month ago I wouldn't have even dared to say the word cock."
As I listened to the woman who was the love of my life say those words to another man, my heart broke. I was hurt, deeply hurt and that hurt quickly turned into anger. Thinking about revenge, I took out my cell phone and turned on the camera. 
As I stepped into the bedroom doorway Jeanne said; "Lie back, I want you to enjoy this."
Fischer asked, "What are you going to do?"
"Don't ask questions, just lie back and enjoy it."
They were both so preoccupied with what they were doing that they didn't notice me standing in the doorway. I watched in horror as my naked wife slowly stroked Fischer's cock with her right hand while she cupped his testicles in her left hand and began kissing and licking them.
As Jeanne sucked one of his ball's into her mouth, Fischer exclaimed; "Oh my god, no one has ever done this to me." And then he laughed. "My wife doesn't even like to suck my cock. She'll only do it as a special treat on my birthday and our anniversary."
Now consumed by a desire for revenge, I raised my cell phone and took two pictures. Both of them showed Fischer's face and both of them accurately depicted exactly what Jeanne was doing to him.
After slipping my cell phone back into my pocket, I stepped into our bedroom and said; "My wife has never shown much interest in sucking my cock and she's never licked my balls. I think I should try to meet your wife. Maybe she'll be as excited about sucking my cock as my wife is about sucking yours."
At the sound of my voice Jeanne sat up and snapped around. "Michael, what are you doing here? What happened to your meeting with the Montgomerys?"
"It got postponed."
"Why didn't you call and tell me you were going to be early?"
"Jeanne this is my house too. Are you telling me that I now have to call before I can come home?"
"No, of course not. It's just that..."
"Hey mother fucker, you leave my wife out of this discussion." Fischer was now sitting up and he was glaring at me.
I glared back at him. "Right now you're in my bed with my wife. You're both naked and she was just licking your balls. You're first response in this situation is to challenge me because you're upset that I mentioned you wife. Are you really that stupid?"
Suddenly speechless, Fischer stared at me. He was beginning to appreciate the seriousness of the situation."
Jeanne said, "Michael this is all a big mistake."
"I'm relieved to hear that Jeanne. I was certain that I'd just walked into our bedroom and found you and another man naked in the bed where I sleep. Even worse, I thought you were licking his balls which is something you've never done for me." I shook my head. "I know I should believe you, but lately you've had tendency to stretch the truth. I think I should check the pictures I just took."
Fischer jumped up. "You took fucking pictures? Where are they?" He took a threatening step towards me. "Give it to me, give me that damn camera right now."
"And why should I do that?"
"Because I'll beat the fucking shit out of you if you don't."
"Really? In my bedroom. You do understand that the only way you'll be able to keep me from calling the police will be to kill me."
"Bull shit, I'll just tell them that you caught me with your wife and attacked me in a fit of jealous rage."
I nodded. "Good plan, but how will that help you? Your wife will still find out. Oh, and I point out that there is a witness." I turned to my wife. "Jeanne will you lie to protect your boyfriend after he beats up your husband?"
Jeanne didn't respond. Her face was buried in her hands. She was too horrified to speak.
Fischer sighed. "Okay, you're right. I can't lay a hand on you."
"That's magnanimous of you." 
Ignoring my sarcasm, Fischer continued. "But I beg you not to send those pictures to my wife. They'll devastate her."
"Mr. Fischer how do you think I feel right now. I just walked into my bedroom and found you and my wife naked in my bed and she was doing things for you that she's never done for me. I'm feeling pretty fucking devastated and you don't seem to give a shit about that."
Jeanne wailed.
Fischer shook his head. "Look, I'm sorry. I know that doesn't mean much, but I don't know what else to say. I was an asshole. I didn't think about what I was doing. Do what you need to do. I deserve it. I tried to fuck you over."
While I suspected that Fischer was simply trying a different tactic, it was a better tactic than the two he'd just employed. My anger dissipating, I shrugged. "I don't have any desire to hurt anyone. Not you." I turned to my wife. "And especially not you Jeanne."
Jeanne looked up at me with pleading eyes. I ignored her. "Right now I hurt and all I want to do is get somewhere where I won't hurt quite so much. Goodbye Jeanne, it's been a wonderful twenty-seven years; but now it appears that all of that is over. I'll remember our good years fondly." I turned and walked out of the bedroom. 
As I was crossing the living room I heard the sound of running footsteps and then Jeanne cried; "Micheal please give me a chance. I want to do all of those things for you. This afternoon I was going to suck your cock and lick your balls. I was even going to try to get you to fuck my ass. I want to find out how that feels and I wanted you to do it."
I stopped and looked back at Jeanne. She was hurriedly putting on her robe. Shaking my head, I said; "I wish I could believe you, but I remind you that last night you promised me that you were going to stop seeing Fischer. I'm sorry, but your word doesn't mean much to me anymore." 
I turned and hurried through the dining room and kitchen to the garage. 
As I left the house Jeanne wailed; "Michael, I love you; please come back."
I got into my car. As I drove away I looked in the review mirror. Jeanne was standing on our front lawn crying. Part of me desperately wanted to go back and console her. I didn't. At that moment I was too hurt and angry to be able to do that.
It was just after 11:00 when I reached the sanctuary of my office. Ruth and Jason weren't due back until 1:00 so I had two hours of solitude. I needed it. I had to think and I had to plan. 
Everything for the meeting with the Montgomerys was already prepared, so I was able to focus all of my attention on my personal problems. 
The previous four days had been devastating. I felt like the three people who I trusted and loved most in this world had just betrayed me. Intellectually I knew 
that wasn't true. Tricia, Jodie and Jeanne still loved me. I firmly believed that. Still with Tricia and Jodie's support Jeanne had unilaterally altered the basic tenets of our marriage and in the process of doing that she'd lied to me and humiliated me.
Jeanne was an adult. Tricia and Jodie were too. They were free to pursue the lives they wanted. It now appeared to me that regardless of what I might say or do Jeanne was determined to adopt a new way of life. That meant that I had two choices. I could accept her new life style and stay with her or I could sever my ties with her and live the life that I chose.
The idea of leaving Jeanne and the girls was heartbreaking, but so was the prospect of repeatedly having to watch the woman I love get dressed for a date with another man. I was hurt, angry and disillusioned. I needed time to think and heal. 
I kept remembering Jennifer Rawlins' words. "Michael this is a complicated situation." Because I believed her I wasn't going to act rashly. I was angry, but I didn't want revenge and I certainly wasn't considering divorce. If Jeanne wanted a divorce she was going to have to initiate that action by herself. 
What I needed was time. Everything had happened so fast. Jeanne was right. She should have spent more time talking to me about this, preparing me for it. Unfortunately she didn't and now we were in a crisis and I could only think of one way to alleviate this crisis. I needed to separate myself from Jeanne. It didn't have to be a permanent separation, in fact I ardently hoped that it wouldn't be; but I needed time away. 
I was a wealthy man. I'd built a successful accounting firm and invested my money wisely. We owned our home and had over twenty million dollars worth of stocks, mutual funds and bonds. On Monday I would begin liquidating those assets. While doing it quickly would be costly and the tax liability would be severe, I was quite certain that I could manage to end up with at least ten million dollars in cash. That would allow me to create a two million dollar trust fund for both Jeanne and myself, a million and a half dollar fund for each of the girls and still have a nice reserve fund.
I would arrange to have the trust funds for Jeanne and myself pay out a monthly
sum of eight thousand dollars. If Jeanne continued to live in our house and kept her job with the law firm she'd be very comfortable. I knew that I could easily live on eight thousand dollars a month.
The girl's funds were a little trickier. I didn't want to make them independently wealthy. I wanted them to pursue their careers and create their own successes. Still, realizing that as they matured they would be facing major expenses like weddings, the birth of children and the purchase of homes; I wanted to be able to help them. That was why I was creating their two trust funds. I would ask Jason and Ruth to administer the funds. When the girls needed money all they would have to do was contact Jason or Ruth. 
It was a good plan. It would allow me to leave feeling confident that my wife and daughters were financially secure.
I was making a list of things that had to be done Monday morning when Ruth walked into my office. Jason Ridner was right behind her. I looked up.
Ruth asked. "How was your talk with Jeanne?"
I told them everything that happened.
When I was finished Jason said; "Damn boss that must have been awful."
I shrugged. 
Ruth asked, "Do you want me to cancel the meeting with the Montgomerys?"
Shaking my head, I said; "Absolutely not. They're our most important clients and they're good friends too. We're going to meet with them and give them a rock solid comprehensive report about their financial status."
Smiling, Jason said; "Damn right boss." But then he paused. After a moment he said; "Boss can I make a suggestion?"
"Of course you can."
"After you start the meeting why don't you let me give the report."
Smiling back at Jason, I said; "That's an excellent idea." 
He looked at me with a surprised expression.
I said; "It is an excellent idea. It's time for you to start taking a more visible role in the operation of this firm."
Jason grinned at me.
I glanced at Ruth. She was watching me with a mistrustful expression. I had a feeling that she was beginning to suspect what I was planning to do. We still had a little time before the meeting, so I decided that I might as well tell them. 
Before I could say anything Ruth said; "You're leaving, aren't you."
I nodded. "Yes."
Alarmed, Jason said; "Boss, no; you can't leave."
Ruth looked at him. "Jason what would you do if Barb started dating another man?"
"I'd go crazy."


"Would you hurt Barb?"
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Awakenings Ch. 03


"No, of course not. I could never hurt Barb."


"Would you hurt the other man?"


"I'd think about it."


"But you wouldn't do it, would you." Ruth's voice was calm and deliberate.


"I would if I found out that he'd forced Barb or drugged her; but otherwise, no. They're adults, they get to make their own choices."


Ruth said; "That's right, but you'd have choices too, wouldn't you."


Jason shook his head. "Not many."


"But you would have choices."




"What would they be?"


Sighing, Jason said; "Stick around and put up with it or leave." He turned to me. "Okay boss, I understand. What can I do to help?"


I spent the next hour explaining my financial plans for my family and my plans for the business. Ruth and Jason both listened intently. 


When I was finished Jason said, "So you want Ruth and I to run the business."


"That's what I'd like. I'll maintain regular email and telephone contact with you and when necessary I can assist you with difficult files. Since you're both taking on more responsibility you can expect a commensurate increase in your salaries."


Ruth said; "That would be nice, but can the firm afford it?"


"I won't be drawing a salary. That will free up money for your salary increases and a salary for another accountant."


"You want us to hire another accountant?" Ruth looked at Jason and then back at me.


"With me in only an advisory role you'll need one."


Jason nodded. "Yes we will."


I said, "Look for someone young, someone just out of college."


Grinning, Jason said; "You hired me right out of college."


"And look at how well that worked out."


Ruth asked, "How soon are you planning to leave?"




"Is that enough time?"


"I think so and I really do need to get away."


Nodding, Ruth said; "We'll make sure it's enough time."


We heard the door to the outer office open. The three of us looked at each other. The Montgomerys had arrived. We stood up.


Ruth said; "I'll get them seated in the conference room."


As she was leaving, Jason said; "I'll bring the files."


I followed him out of my office.


The meeting with the Montgomerys went well. I would have been shocked if it hadn't. Jason took charge and did an impressive job. 


After the meeting I asked Charles if I could have a word with him in private. As we stepped into my office I noticed that Ruth and Edith stayed in the conference room. Ruth would be talking to Edith.


Once we were seated Charles said; "Michael what's on your mind?"


"Charles I'm going to take an extended leave from the firm."


"Are you ill?" The concern in my old friend's voice was evident.


Shaking my head, I said; "No my health is fine."


"Are you and Jeanne having problems?"


I nodded.


"Is she having an affair?"


Surprised by his quick assessment of the situation I asked; "How did you know?"


"How old is Jeanne?"




"And your daughters just finished college."




"It's pretty common. Edith had her first affair when she was forty-eight."


"Her first affair? She's had more than one?"


"She's had five affairs that lasted a month or more and I lost count of the weekend getaways. That's all in the past now. Her last weekend getaway was, let me think." He paused for a moment and then he said; "It's been at least eight years."


"And you were okay with it?"


"Not at first, at first I was devastated. That's why I understand what you're going through right now." He smiled. "I did exactly what you're planning to do. I moved to New York and ran our businesses from there. I had to get away."


"How long did you stay in New York?"


"Fourteen months, it took me that long to come to terms with the situation."


"But you did eventually accept the situation."


"I love Edith. The thought of living the rest of my life without her was unbearable."


"Tell me how you did it. I need to know that there might be hope."


"You're doing the right thing."




"Yes, you need some time to heal and Jeanne needs to be confronted with the reality of life without you. Right now your biggest concern is to make sure your hurt and anger don't make you do things that you'll regret later. That's one of the reasons that you have to get away for awhile.


"I'm taking steps to make sure that both Jeanne and the girls are financially secure while I'm gone and I've already decided that I'm not going to file for divorce."


"That's good, that will show Jeanne that you still care about her. I know Jeanne. She's a lot like Edith. I suspect that right now she's terrified that you hate her."


"I could never hate Jeanne."


"I know, I could never hate Edith either."


"How did you cope with the jealousy?"


"When I came back from New York Edith worked hard to make sure I knew that I was loved and I tried to understand. Sometimes it was difficult, but it was better than living with out Edith. Over time it got easier. In fact I actually enjoyed her last two affairs."


"You did?"


"By then I understood. I knew she didn't really love the guys and at the beginning of an affair she was always so happy. A new romance is unbelievably exciting. I'm thankful that I was finally secure enough to be able to enjoy her last two affairs with her."


"I find that hard to believe."


"I'm sure you do. You'll find this hard to believe too. At the end I actually encouraged her to take weekend getaways."


"You mean with other men."


"And women."


"Was Edith bisexual?"


"No, I'm certain she wasn't, but it would have been all right if she was. It's still just sex. No I'm talking about her group of friends. Including Edith there were four of them. Privately they called themselves the four harlots. They did the weekend getaways together."


"What about the men?"


"That was the easy part. All four of them were attractive affluent women. It's not difficult to find twenty-five year old men who are eager to spend a commitment free weekend at a luxury resort with four beautiful middle aged women. 


"Edith was a cougar."


"She certainly was and she enjoyed every minute of it. At the end I did too. Michael during the days before those getaways she was actually giddy with excitement. It's fun to see the woman you love that happy."


"But you weren't the cause of that happiness."


"So what, we had plenty of happy times with each other. We were always laughing and giggling together. The years we were raising our children will always be special, but those last few years when Edith was playing around were wonderful."


"Didn't you feel neglected when Edith was on a weekend getaway?"


"Hell no, during the week before one of her getaways Edith would try to fuck me to death. I needed the break. Also you can call me an old perv, but when she was gone I had a pretty good time imagining what she was doing."




"Michael do you ever look at porn movies on the Internet? Be honest."


I laughed. "Yeah I admit it, I do."


"I do too. Actually these days Edith and I watch them together."




"Yeah but lets not get sidetracked. Imagine watching a porn movie that featured Jeanne with another guy."


"I ah...I don't know."


"Michael, be honest. I'll bet you've found a porn star who reminds you of Jeanne."


Sheepishly I answered, "Yes."


"Who is it?" 


Quietly, I said; "Julia Ann."


Charles smiled. "I agree, there's a very strong resemblance. When you're watching a Julia Ann movie do you ever imagine that it's really Jeanne you're watching?"


I did do that, but I was ashamed of it. It was hard to admit it. I looked down at the floor.


Charles said; "It's okay Michael. There's nothing wrong with it. It's just fun."


I nodded. "But admitting it is difficult."


"It shouldn't be. You're not doing anything wrong. Someday I hope that you and Jeanne will reach a point where the two of you can watch a Julia Ann movie together."


"Do you have a porn star who reminds you of Edith?"


"Oh yes."


"May I ask who it is?"


"Certainly, it's Diamond Foxx. Of course we're talking about Edith when she was a much younger woman. Diamond Foxx is probably forty years younger than Edith; but when Edith was young, when she was slutted up before a date or a weekend getaway; she looked just like Diamond Foxx."


"Slutted up?"


"That's what the four harlots called it. When they we're going out they loved to get their hair done; lay on some heavy eye makeup and lip rouge and dress in tight short skirts, low cut blouses, nylon stockings and spike heeled pumps. I think they enjoyed that almost as much as the sex. Michael it was an adventure for them. When they were out with another man they got to be somebody completely different."


"And you actually learned to enjoy it."


"Yes I did. My only regret is that I didn't relax and start enjoying it much earlier."


I shook my head. "You make it sound; I don't know, I guess exciting."


"Once you finally realize that it has nothing to do with love it is exciting and fun too."


"I'm not there yet."


"No you're not. That's why you have to go away."


"I'm worried about the business."


"Don't be. I'm impressed with Jason. He seems like a very capable young man."


"He is."


"And the Internet and a cell phone will allow you to stay in touch."


"That's true."


"Michael I'm certain that my financial affairs will still be handled professionally."


"Thank you Charles; I appreciate your confidence, your understanding and your advice."


"Get away, take some time for yourself. It will get easier and when it does, come back to us." 


We smiled at each other. 


Charles patted my shoulder and said; "And now I'd better go find Edith and take her home." He winked at me. "This evening we're going to watch a Diamond Foxx movie. We're both looking forward to it."


Charles and I walked into the reception area together. We were both grinning. Edith and Ruth were sitting next to Ruth's desk drinking coffee.


When she saw us Edith asked; "What are the two of you grinning about?"


Charles said; "I just told Michael about our movie plans for the evening."


"Were you specific about the star of the movie?"




"Did you tell him why we like that particular actress?"


"Yes I did."


Edith stood up, walked over to me and kissed my cheek. "I hope that someday you and Jeanne have a movie star that you both enjoy for the same reason."


"It's going to take some time before I reach that point."


"Yes I'm sure it will, but try to understand. It really is a wonderfully exciting way to live."


Edith turned and took Charles' arm. "Let's go home dear. I want to get slutted up before we watch the movie."


Charles laughed. "I was hoping you were planning to do that."


"Of course I am, it makes watching the movie much more fun."


As they walked out of the office I looked at Edith. I could see it. When she was younger and slutted up I imagined that she probably did look quite a bit like Diamond Foxx.


As soon as they were gone Ruth asked, "What was all that about a movie and what movie star were they talking about?"


I shook my head. "I think that was told to me in confidence."


"Michael don't be a putz. Besides Edith told me everything. I just don't understand the discussion about the movie."


"Edith told you everything?"


"Yes, everything. She told me about her five affairs, the weekend getaways, the four harlots; I even know what she meant when she said she wanted to get slutted up."


"She told you all of that?"


"Yes, why shouldn't she? Edith and I are good friends. I also think she was afraid that I might end my friendship with Jeanne over this."


"Please don't do that. Right now Jeanne needs her friends."


"Don't worry, I won't. Now tell me about the movie."


"All right, they're going to watch a porn movie."


"A porn movie? Really?" Ruth smiled. "I hope David and I are still watching porn movies when we're in our seventies. So who's the porn star?"


"Diamond Foxx."


"Never heard of her."


"Do you watch a lot of porn?"


"Not really, once in awhile David and I will watch one late at night on the Internet. I think he watches quite a bit of it."


"Most men do."


"Do you watch porn on the Internet?"




"So tell me about this Diamond Foxx."


"She's a fairly well known porn star. I think she's in her late thirties. She's very attractive in a slutty kind of way. Charles thinks that when Edith was younger and slutted up she looked a lot like Diamond Foxx."


"Does she?"


"Yes, I can see it."


"I'm going to have to look her up on the Internet." Ruth paused for a moment and then she asked; "Do you have a porn star who looks like Jeanne?"


"You're getting a little personal."


"Tell me."


"Okay, yes I do. Her name is Julia Ann."


Ruth smiled. "I'll look her up too. I wonder if David has a porn star who looks like me?"


"If he doesn't, tell him to check out Roxanne Hall."


"Really? I'll have to look her up too."


I laughed.


Grinning at me, Ruth made a shooing motion with her hands. "Go back to your office and do some work. I have to do some Internet research."


Still laughing, I went back into my office. 


A half hour later I heard a knock. "Come in."


It was Ruth. "Charles is right. While Edith is much older now, I'll bet that at one time she did look just like Diamond Foxx. Especially when she was slutted up."


"That's what I thought too."


"And Jeanne is a dead ringer for Julia Ann."


"I agree."


"And thank you, I'm flattered. Roxanne Hall is hot."


"You're not thinking about following Edith and Jeanne's lead are you?"


"No I'm only thirty-eight. I'm not old enough to start that yet. Besides, I still have a son in high school and a in junior high." Ruth laughed. "Still, when Michelle graduates from college I may decide to reevaluate that position." 


"If you do, spend a little time preparing David before you drop that bomb on him."


"Don't worry, I will. In fact I plan to do a little preparing tonight."


"What do you mean?"


"I found a web site that has several Roxanne Hall movies that can be downloaded. Both Ben and Michelle are going out this evening. I plan to get slutted up and invite David to watch one of the movies with me. I'm not going to mention that you suggested that I resemble her. I'm going to wait and see if David notices."


"How are you going to explain your interest in that particular porn star?"


"I'll tell David that my sister Becky recommended the movie."


"Does Becky watch a lot of porn?"


"Not really, but if I warn her she'll back me up." Ruth shrugged. "Actually Becky and I look a lot alike. If David and I enjoy the movie I'll tell Becky to watch it with her husband."


Laughing, I said; "I wonder if Charles and Edith realize what they've done."


Ruth smiled and went back to her desk.


I spent the rest of Saturday and all day Sunday organizing my financial plans. While it was time consuming, it was relatively easy. I was an accountant with all of the resources of my firm at my disposal.


Just after noon on Sunday my cell phone rang. The caller ID showed that it was Ruth. I answered it.


"Hi Ruth."


"Hi Michael, how are you doing today?"


"I'm a little sad, but other than that I'm okay."


"I have something that might cheer you up."


"Tell me."


"Telling you about this feels a little weird, but after everything that's happened during the past few days I think we can talk about things like this."




"Michael, David and I downloaded a Roxanne Hall movie last night. David hooked his laptop up to our bedroom television. We watched it in bed. David saw the resemblance immediately. He went wild. He loved it. Michael we did it three times last night. We haven't done it that many times in one night since we were newlyweds."


"It sounds like you had a fun night."


"We did. David wants to get another movie tonight. I'm afraid that I might have created a monster." 


I laughed. "But you're enjoying this monster, aren't you."


"Oh yes, I can't wait until tonight."


"I'm happy to hear you had a good time. Thanks for telling me. It did cheer me up."


"Thank you for telling me about Roxanne Hall. I'm feeling pretty cheery right now too."


I laughed again. 


"Michael I have to run. We're going to a barbecue at David's sisters house. I'll see you tomorrow morning."


"Okay Ruth, thanks for the call. Have a good time watching your movie tonight."


Ruth laughed. "I'm pretty sure that I'm going to have a wonderful time." And then she hung up.


I set my cell phone down, sat back in my chair and shook my head. Suddenly it seemed like everyone I knew was preoccupied with sex.


When I walked into the office the next morning Ruth was seated at her desk. 


I smiled and asked, "How was your evening?"


Ruth grinned at me. "I think I'm going to be walking funny for a week."


"It sounds like it was a fun night."


"Believe me, it was."


Chuckling, I walked into my office and sat down at my desk. I took a minute to focus my attention and then I began the process of liquidating my stocks, bonds and mutual funds. Shortly after I started Jason joined me. We worked together for the entire morning. By lunch time we'd sold everything and both of us felt confident that we'd done everything we could to minimize the tax liabilities. Still they were extensive.


Monday afternoon I stored my Lexus and bought a year old Ford Escape. I planned to tour the United States. The Escape seemed like a more suitable vehicle for this adventure.


My final tasks for Monday were to purchase a new cell phone with a new telephone number and a high quality lap top computer. I also set up a new Gmail account. Jason and Ruth were the only people who would know the address.


I spent Tuesday planning my trip. I purchased a sleeping bag, cooler and several good quality flashlights. If I needed to do it I could store my gear in the front seat of the Escape, put down the rear seat and sleep in the back. While I was planning on sleeping in motels, I had plenty of space and this was a nice fall back option. 


Wednesday morning the money from the sale of the stocks, bonds and mutual funds became available. Jason, Ruth and I spent the day funding the four trusts. By the end of the workday Wednesday everything was complete. I was planning to leave early Thursday morning. 


After saying goodbye to Jason and Ruth I sat down at my desk and composed a short letter to Jeanne.


Dear Jeanne


I am now convinced that you're determined to adopt this new life style. I'm trying to understand, but I'm finding it difficult. Right now I can't bear the thought of once again having to see you get dressed up for a date with another man.


While I still love you and believe that you still love me, I need time to sort out my feelings about what you're doing. The only way I can do that is to temporarily separate myself from you. I'm going away. By the time you read this I'll be gone. I don't know when I'll return.


I have set up a trust fund for you and both of the girls. Jason and Ruth are administering the funds. The three of you should contact them at your earliest opportunity so that they can explain the details of these funds. All three of you should be financially secure.


As I said earlier, I still love you and I ardently hope that at some time in the future we can resume living together as man and wife. If you wish to divorce me you'll have to initiate the action yourself, but I won't fight it. While I really do still love you, I want you to be happy. If that means terminating our marriage so that you can pursue a relationship with someone else I'll be hurt, but I will survive."


If you need to contact me you can do it through Jason or Ruth. They both have my cell phone number and my email address. Please don't badger them. They have strict instructions not to give that information out to anyone.


I will miss both you and the girls. Please give them my love. Please also remember that I will always love you.


I don't know when I'll be back, but I will return. When that happens I look forward to seeing all three of you again.






I put the letter in Ruth's computer's desk top file and sent an accompanying note requesting that she email the letter to Jeanne the next morning. 


After finishing that task I took the pictures of Jeanne and the girls that I kept on my desk, put them in my brief case and walked out of my office.

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Awakenings Ch. 04


On the road.


At 7:00 the next morning I was on the road. It was the 21st of August. I took Interstate 90 west and reached Rapid City, South Dakota at suppertime. Tired and ready to stop I found a Motel 6, checked in and got directions to a local steak house. 
While I had a budget of one hundred dollars a day for motels, I knew that there would occasionally be times when I both wanted and needed to stay in an expensive hotel. Motel 6's were generally clean and adequate for my needs. They also usually cost less than fifty dollars a day. Every night I spent in a Motel 6 freed up fifty dollars that could later be spent for luxury accommodations 
After a good steak dinner I went back to my motel, took a shower and logged on to the Internet. There was an email from Ruth with a subject line indicating that it included a letter from Jeanne. I opened it.
Dear Michael
I'm so sorry that my thoughtless actions forced you to leave your home, your work and your family. I wish it was possible to go back in time and start over. If I could do that I'd begin by spending several months exploring the world of sex with you, only you. Regardless of what I told you that evening that I stupidly and without any preparation announced to you that I was going to have an affair, you have always been and always will be the man of my dreams.
Yes, I still have the desire to experience sex with other men and I still intend to pursue that desire. I know that you're having trouble accepting this, but it really is just sex and has nothing to do with love. You will always be the only man I'll ever love. 
I want you to know that I've stopped seeing Derek Fischer. Right after you left last Saturday morning I threw him out of the house. Michael, he threatened you. You effectively put him in his place, but I was still outraged. I would never have sex with a man who threatened you or was even impolite to you. When I read that I guess it doesn't sound like much, but it matters to me and I needed to tell you that.
I also want to explain that I hadn't planned to get together with Derek last Saturday morning. When we went out last Wednesday night I left my sweater in his car. It was that beautiful cashmere sweater with the pearl buttons that you gave me for Christmas two years ago. I didn't want to lose it. 
He called me Saturday morning. I told him that I couldn't see him for awhile. I really did want to try to make things right with you and that was going to include a lot of loving attention. Derek told me he had my sweater. In all the turmoil of the past few days I hadn't realized that I'd left it in his car. I did want the sweater back so I told him that he could stop by the house and give it to me. I really wasn't planning to let him stay, but once he was inside the house I stupidly let him kiss me and I melted. I'm sorry Michael, I'm not very strong right now and I have to admit that I did want to enjoy Derek again. I just wanted you to know that I didn't plan to have sex with him that morning.
I'm also sorry that we used our bed. I don't know what I was thinking. I promise you that even while your gone I will never again share that bed with anyone but you.
When I got your email this morning I immediately called Ruth. During our conversation she outlined the terms of the trust funds that you set up for me and the girls. Thank you, you've left us financially secure. I do appreciate that. I also need to say that I wasn't surprised. That's the kind of man you are. It's one of the many reasons I love you so much. I know that you will always take care of the girls and me. 
I only wish that I'd done a better job of taking care of you. There isn't anything I can do about that now, but when you finally do come home again I intend to make sure that you're the most loved man on this planet. If you'll allow me to do it I would like to try to suck and fuck you to death. 
I was planning to try to do that Saturday afternoon. I'm sorry that it didn't happen. I was also planning to invite you to fuck my rear Saturday. I'm eager to try it. I'm curious about how it feels. Now I'm going to have to wait. I always intended that you would be the first man to enjoy that pleasure with me and now I promise you that you will always be the only man to enjoy that pleasure with me. I hope that's an incentive to get you to come home sooner.
Edith Montgomery called me last night. I gather that you told Charles about our problems. Since you're going to be gone I suppose that you had to give him some kind of an explanation and the truth is always the best option. In any case, I'm glad you told them. I was surprised when Edith told me about their history. I love the idea of getting slutted up and I would have loved to have been one of the four harlots. I hope that hearing Charles tell you that he eventually learned to enjoy the lifestyle might help you.
When I talked to Ruth today I told her that Edith called me so she told me about Julia Ann, Diamond Foxx and Roxanne Hall. I looked them up on the Internet during my lunch break today. I have to thank you. Julia Ann is a beautiful woman. While you're gone I hope that you watch lots of her movies and imagine that it's me enjoying all of those handsome studs. Please don't be offended by that. I hope that like Charles, you will eventually learn to want this life style as much as I do. Sex really is fun. It took me forty-nine years and the help of my daughters to overcome the inhibitions that were drilled into me when I was growing up. Now that I've finally been able to do that I want to enjoy sex. Michael I don't just want to look like Julia Ann; I want to be Julia Ann or at least the movie Julia Ann. I want to be a slut. I know that's a crude word, but it doesn't have to be. 
My only regret is that I didn't include you at the beginning of my journey. I know why, I was still too inhibited. What really upsets me is that when I was finally able to overcome my inhibitions about sex I still didn't include you. I should have taken you by the hand, back tracked and guided you through the early part of the journey. It was a part of the journey that I'd already completed, but you're my partner. We needed to go through the entire journey together and I didn't do that with you. I wish I would have let you teach me how to give a blow job. We could have experimented. You could have told me what felt good and what didn't feel good. It would have been so much fun. Instead I let the girls teach me with a rubber cock. Even worse, once I learned how to do it properly another man was the beneficiary of my newly acquired skill. Michael I will forever be ashamed about that. You're the love of my life. You should always be first. While I really don't know how to make it up to you, I promise that when you return I will spend hours sucking your cock and licking your balls. 
I already miss you. I hope you won't be gone too long. When you are ready to come home give me a little warning. I'll want to buy a new dress and get my hair done just for you.
The girls send their love. They feel like they upset you when you talked to them on Thursday. I tried to assure them that it was me you were upset with and not them, but they still feel like they hurt you. It would be nice if you could send them a message telling them that you still love them.
They both wanted to write letters to you. I wouldn't let them do it. It's clear that you need some time away from the anguish I created for you. We're going to respect that decision and leave you alone. Please don't misunderstand that. We're not forgetting you. We will never forget you. All three of us will be thinking about you every minute of every day.
Michael I love you. Always remember that. Take the time you need, but as soon as you're ready please come straight home to me.
Be safe.
I sat back in the hard motel chair, closed my eyes and sighed. While Jeanne's letter made it clear that she was continuing her plans to pursue a life style of free love, it was equally apparent that she was still deeply in love with me. I didn't know what to think. 
I smiled. That was why I was sitting in a Motel 6 in Rapid City, South Dakota. I needed time to figure all of this out. I sat up straight and opened a new email to Ruth. 
Please forward this to Jeanne. Don't forget to delete my email address.
I also wish that you'd back tracked so that we could have started at the beginning of this journey together. You didn't, so now I have to take the initial part of the journey by myself. I'm sorry, but that means that there isn't any guarantee that we'll end up in the same place. I will promise you that while I'm gone I'll try to watch a Julia Ann movie as often as I can. As to the fantasies that I have while I'm watching them; that remains to be seen.
I love you and I already miss you too.
After I sent the email to Ruth I poured a glass of scotch and sipped it while I thought about everything that had happened. Eventually I reached the inarguable conclusion that life was confusing. 
Deciding that I needed to do less thinking, I down loaded a Julia Ann movie from the Internet and sipped another glass of scotch while I watched it. When the movie ended I went back to a favorite part and masturbated. As Jeanne's interest in sex had diminished over the previous several years I'd become quite accustomed to giving myself my own relief, but this was the first time I'd been interested in doing it since Jeanne had made her announcement that she was going to have an affair.
It felt good. When I was finished I climbed into bed and quickly fell asleep.
The next day I stopped at a souvenir store in Deadwood, South Dakota. I bought two post cards. On The back of each one I wrote: 
I love you, I miss you. I don't blame you for anything. Please understand that I need a little time to process everything that's happened. I look forward to seeing you when I return.
I sent one to Tricia and one to Jodie.
I spent the rest of the morning touring the Black Hills. After lunch I headed west. The next night I stayed in Buffalo, Wyoming. 
That night I downloaded another Julia Ann movie. The previous night I'd tried to avoid thinking about Jeanne while I watched the movie. It wasn't easy. This time I didn't try. I didn't fight it. I let myself imagine that I was watching Jeanne. Julia Ann is actually a talented actress. She's able to make me believe that she's truly enjoying herself. As I watched her suck her costars cock I remembered what Jeanne had looked like while she was licking Derek Fischer's balls. There wasn't any doubt in my mind that she'd been enjoying herself too.
At first I was jealous. Occasionally in the past Jeanne had grudgingly agreed to suck my cock. Unfortunately her obvious distaste about what she was doing almost always ruined the experience for me. 
As my jealousy was turning into sadness I recalled what Jennifer Rawlins had said to me in the Cosmopolitan Lounge; "My husband had me on a pedestal. I was his wife, the mother of his children and his ideal of feminine perfection. It was a status that I enjoyed and one that I wasn't willing to risk. I didn't dare admit to that wonderful man that I occasionally had an insatiable desire to be a nasty cock sucking slut."
I remembered what Jeanne had said in her letter; "It took me forty-nine years and the help of my daughters to overcome the inhibitions that were drilled into me when I was growing up. Now that I've finally been able to do that I want to enjoy sex."
I started to understand.
I watched the movie. I imagined that it was Jeanne sucking that big cock. I can't say that it aroused me. While watching a woman suck a man's cock certainly excited me, I still had mixed feelings about watching my wife do it. I did however have a reaction that surprised me. It was fun to imagine Jeanne enjoying herself so much.
I remembered what Charles had said to me the previous Saturday afternoon. "During the days before her weekend getaways Edith was actually giddy with excitement. It's fun to see the woman you love that happy."
Mixed feelings aside, I loved Jeanne and I had to admit that imagining her enjoying herself did make me happy.
After finishing the movie that night I went back to a scene where Julia Ann was eagerly sucking her costars cock. I watched it a second time and masturbated. When I was finished I slipped into bed and slept peacefully.
I spent the next several weeks sightseeing in the Rocky Mountains. I continued to stay in regular email contact with Ruth. In our emails we would often tease each other about our mutual burgeoning appreciation for erotic cinema. Ruth and her husband David were still enjoying Roxanne Hall movies on a regular basis.
Near the end of September I was at a Motel 6 in Boise, Idaho. After dinner I turned on my computer. There was an email from Ruth. I opened it.
I have something I want to discuss with you. I'm afraid that it's going to be a little personal. I'm writing to you about it because I trust you and in many ways it seems to be related to your situation with Jeanne. I hope I don't embarrass you.
Last night David and I were watching one of our Roxanne Hall movies. We now have an extensive collection. At the time I was actually the only one watching the movie. David was going down on me. I assume you understand what I mean by that. David loves giving me head, especially while we're watching a movie and frankly I enjoy it every bit as much as he does. 
Halfway through the movie David took a break. He looked up at me and asked if I ever fantasized about actually being with the men in the movies. The man in the movie we were watching was amazingly well endowed, so of course I was fantasizing about him. Not wanting to lie to David, I cautiously told him that I did. His reaction surprised me. He just smiled and said good and then he went back to pleasuring me.
I thought about all of this for a few seconds and then I tapped the side of David's head. When he looked up at me I asked him if he ever fantasized about other women.
He told me that he didn't. I was a little surprised by that, but I was even more surprised by his next revelation. He told me that all of his fantasies were about me with other men.
While I was shocked, I was also excited. Remember, David had just been going down on me. I pulled him up so he was sitting next to me and asked him if he'd like to see me with the man in the movie we were watching. He nodded and told me that he'd like that very much. He then asked me if I was excited by the size of the guy's cock. I'm sorry Michael, I don't mean to embarrass you. I just don't know how to explain what happened without using words like that.
You know David. He's not a big man. He has small hands and feet. He also has a small penis. I love him so it's always been enough for me, but I have a confession to make. Before I met David I was kind of a free spirit. I experienced a number of different men and several of them were well endowed. I have to admit that sex with some of those men was amazing, really amazing; so yes I was excited by the size of this guy's cock.
Still I didn't want to hurt David, so I tried to be diplomatic. I said that it was a big cock. David wasn't satisfied with that answer, he pressed me. He agreed that it was big but wanted to know if I found big cocks exciting.
I didn't want to lie to David, so I told him that I didn't want to hurt his feelings; but yes, big cocks did excite me. He told me that it was okay. He knew I loved him and he knew that I enjoyed his cock. Big cocks were a fun fantasy and it was all right with him if I wanted to enjoy that fantasy.
That made me feel better. I asked David if he enjoyed fantasizing about women with large breasts. He told me that he didn't and then he repeated that his favorite fantasies all involved me with other men, men with large cocks.
I was about to ask him another question, but he stopped me and slid back down the bed. As he repositioned himself between my legs he told me to imagine that he was getting me ready to enjoy the man in the movie and then he started licking me again. 
Michael I had an unbelievable orgasm and that's saying a lot because since David and I started watching the Roxanne Hall movies I've had some real whoppers.
After my orgasm was over David got on top of me and started fucking me. While he was fucking me he whispered that he was imagining that the guy in the movie had just finished fucking me and he was now getting slippery seconds. He asked me if I was too stretched out from the other man's huge cock to feel him.
At that moment I was so aroused that I jumped right into the fantasy and told David that after my lover's big cock I really couldn't feel his little penis. As soon as I said it, I regretted it. The last thing I want to do was hurt my wonderful husband's feelings. 
Amazingly, I didn't. In fact that answer seemed to excite David even more. He actually thanked me for allowing him to fuck me too and then he went at me with a passion that I'd never before experienced from him. While David was fucking me I had another massive orgasm and when he came he must have pumped a gallon of semen into me. It was the most amazing sex we've ever had.
Michael, I once again apologize for being so graphic, but this is the only way I can accurately describe what happened. I have to talk to someone about this and you're my best friend. Also, in a way this is kind of related to the problems you're having with Jeanne.
This morning, when I thought about what we did last night I got incredibly excited; but it also made me feel ashamed. I'm the mother of two teenagers. I was raised to be a proper lady. I go to church every Sunday. Suddenly my husband and I are fantasizing about me being a slut. Right now I'm feeling terribly confused.
But that's not all. Last night, after we were finished, we were lying in bed cuddling. I sensed that David was sad. I asked him about it. He told me that he was ashamed about what he'd just told me. He was certain that I was now disgusted by him. I assured him that I wasn't. I told him that he was the strongest man I knew and I loved him deeply. We were simply playing with a fun fantasy, a fantasy that excited both of us. That made him feel better. We cuddled together for a long time before we both finally fell asleep.
Sex certainly can be confusing.
Again, I'm sorry if this email is too graphic. I really needed to talk to you about it. I didn't know how to do that without being explicit.
Your friend 
After I finished reading the email I sat back in the motel chair and shook my head. My wife, my daughters, Charles and Edith Montgomery, Jennifer Rawlins and now Ruth and David; it seemed like extra curricular sex was becoming the norm rather than the exception. I laughed to myself, the night Jeanne announced to me that she was planning to have an affair she suggested exactly that. Maybe she was right. Maybe most married women were getting a little extra on the side, or at least fantasizing about it.
Tired from the days drive, I turned off my computer and got into bed. As I tried to fall asleep I thought about Ruth and David. At least they were talking about it first. That had been Jeanne's biggest mistake. She didn't prepare me for it. She just dropped it on me.
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Awakenings Ch. 04


I thought about Jeanne. I was still deeply in love with her. I wondered if she was dating. I suspected that she was. It was likely that Ruth talked to Jeanne frequently, so she probably knew. I was afraid to ask. I wasn't yet ready to know for sure. 


Unable to sleep, I turned my computer back on and watched another Julia Ann movie. In the movie she seduced a man much younger than she was. I wondered if Jeanne was dating college men. Oddly, part of me hoped that she was. Sex with a virile young man would be exciting for her. As I watched the movie I masturbated while I imagined that Jeanne was Julia Ann.


Afterward I felt some remorse, but then I remembered Charles Montgomery telling me that after time he learned to enjoy Edith's affairs because they made her so happy. I loved Jeanne and I wanted her to be happy too. Could I possibly learn to enjoy her affairs? Was that possible? Could I actually reach a point where I was happy when my wife was out on a date with another man? I sensed that I wanted that, but how could I? It seemed to be so very wrong.


Confused about my feelings; but extremely tired, I drifted into an unsettled sleep.


From Boise Idaho I drove west to Seattle. It was now early October. 


I spent two rainy days in Seattle. The evening I arrived I sent an email to Ruth telling her where I was.


The next morning I received a reply.




Thank you for the update about your trip. All of us are following you. Yes, I mean all of us. Of course Jason and I are eager to know where you are and what you're doing, but many others are too. Charles and Edith call me every week to ask if I've heard from you. And yes, Jeanne calls too. She calls me every day at lunch time. I also know that after she talks to me she always calls the girls to pass on the information you gave me. Michael all three of them love you very much and they miss you terribly. I miss you too Michael, so does Jason. 


The firm is running well. Jason is a good manager. He's not as good as you, but he's learning quickly and he's getting the job done. We hired another accountant. We were swamped, we really needed one. He started yesterday. He graduated from college last spring. His name is Bernie Kyle. He's a wiry little guy and kind of shy, but he has a wonderful sense of humor. Both Jason and I like him. We told him that the job is only temporary, but when you return I hope we have enough business to keep him working for the firm.


David and I are still playing our fantasy game. It's a little crazy, but I never imagined that sex could be so much fun.


Be safe and when you're ready please come home. All of us miss you.




I wrote back.




I'm glad to hear that things are going well at the firm. I never doubted that you and Jason would be able to run the business competently. I'm relieved that you hired another accountant. I'm sure that your work load was overwhelming. If he works out I will do everything I possibly can to retain him after I return.


I'm also pleased to hear that you and David are still enjoying your fantasy game. Adding a little spice to a marriage is healthy.


Let me know if you need anything, otherwise you'll hear from me in a week. Say hello to Jason, Charles, Edith and David for me. And Ruth, please tell Jeanne and the girls that I love them.




The following morning I had another email from Ruth.




After I read your email I called Jeanne and read it to her. When I read the part where you told me to tell her that you loved her she was silent for a moment and then she asked me to read it again. I did. She asked me to read it another time. I did. The third time I read it she cried. Michael, Jeanne really does love you.


Oh and yes, she does know about the fantasy game I'm playing with David.




I immediately wrote back.




Do you know if Jeanne is dating?




A few minutes later Ruth wrote back.




Yes she is and while she is having sex on those dates, she adamantly maintains that it hasn't diminished her love for you at all. My conversations with Charles and Edith and the game that David and I are playing are helping me understand what she's saying. Jeanne contends that while we were taught that love and sex are synonymous, it isn't true or at least it doesn't have to be true. Jeanne is now convinced that sex can be a purely physical act and doesn't have to be an expression of love. It can just be fun.




The next morning I left Seattle. 


After I left Seattle I spent two weeks exploring the Cascade Mountains and the Oregon coast and then I drove south to San Francisco.


I arrived in San Francisco in early November. I found an old motel overlooking the Pacific Ocean. It was just above The Cliff House. The Cliff House is an elegant old restaurant on the Pacific beach.


Lincoln Park was directly above my motel. When I explored the park I discovered a small municipal golf course with fabulous views of the Pacific Ocean, San Francisco Bay, the Golden Gate Bridge and downtown San Francisco. The next day I found a golf shop, bought a set of clubs and started playing every day.


Ruth and I continued to exchange emails. While they were mostly just news, ten days after I arrived in San Francisco she sent me one detailing a new development in the sex game she was playing with her husband.




Last night while David and I were watching one of our Roxanne Hall movies he asked me to tell him about the men I'd been with before we met. He knew that there had been several, but that was all he knew. He wanted to hear details, particularly about the sex. I was reluctant to tell him. I didn't want to hurt him or make him feel jealous. He was persistent, so I finally agreed.


As I confessed to you earlier, there were more than a few men. Actually there were many. I was trying to break that news to David gently, so I told him about four men that I'd dated regularly. At first I tried to be vague. I love David and I don't want to hurt him, but he pestered me for details. Michael you have to understand that we were both naked, we were watching a porn movie and David had been going down on me for at least twenty minutes. I was aroused. It also fit in with the game we've now been playing for almost three months. I have to admit that at that moment I actually wanted to tell David every seamy detail about those four other men. They're exciting memories and now the man I loved was asking me to share those memories with him. 


I made him lie down on the bed with his head propped up on two pillows so he could still see the movie playing on the television. Once he was settled I wrapped my fingers around his erection and began telling him about some of the sex that I experienced before we got married.


In an earlier email I mentioned that I'd been with a number of men who were quite large. Those four men were all large, but one of them was much larger than the others. His name was Nick Granger. He was the last man I dated before I met David. Nick was tall, handsome and a real stud in bed. He had a cock of porn star proportions, he recovered quickly and he could go for an amazingly long time. He was entertaining out of bed too. Nick was funny and outgoing. Unfortunately he was also lazy, arrogant and a notorious womanizer. He was a great boyfriend, but lousy husband material. As soon as I got to know David, I ended my relationship with Nick.


After I started telling David about the sex I had with Nick I could feel him getting even more aroused than he already was. That excited me and without thinking I began eagerly and graphically describing how wonderful the sex with Nick had been. As soon as I realized what I was doing I stopped and tried to apologize to David, but he laughed and told me that there wasn't any reason to apologize. He was happy that I'd had a chance to experience such an outstanding lover. 


At first I was shocked by David's reaction, but we talked about it and as we talked I realized that it fit with the game we've been playing. I relaxed, but I still I wanted to make sure that David was happy, so I started sucking his cock. While I was sucking him, David asked me if I ever missed the sex with Nick.


I love my husband. I didn't want to lie to him, but I also didn't want to hurt him so I carefully considered my answer.


I stopped sucking David, but I kept stroking him. As I stroked him, I admitted that I did have fond memories of the sex I had with Nick, but then I quickly explained to David that I loved him and because I loved him the sex I enjoyed with him would always be more satisfying than the sex I'd had with Nick.


David laughed and told me that he understood all of that, but I hadn't answered his question. He then asked it again. Did I ever miss the sex I had with Nick?


I laughed and asked him if he really wanted to know. 


He said that he loved me and he was confident that I loved him too; so the fact that I enjoyed and missed the sex that I once had with another man shouldn't really matter. 


I couldn't argue with his logic and I wanted to be honest with David so I admitted that there were times when I did think about the fun I used to have with Nick and yes at times I did miss the way he used to fuck me. 


I was still a little worried about how David would react to that confession, but he surprised me. He sat up, patted the pillows and asked me to lie back on the bed and spread my legs. We quickly switched positions. As David slipped between my thighs, he said that he wanted me to watch the movie and think about the wonderful sex I enjoyed with Nick. As soon as I lay back David started kissing and licking me.


Michael it took me about a minute to cum and it was incredible. After I recovered from my orgasm David pulled himself up next to me and asked if he could have slippery seconds. We were both giggling like school kids. Of course I said yes. 


Afterward, as we lay cuddled together David asked me if I was enjoying this game as much as he was. Michael, I can't explain it; but I really am enjoying it. I never dreamed that sex could be so much fun. When I admitted that to David he seemed genuinely happy. 


I don't understand what's happening, but I do have to admit that it's fun. Nobody is getting hurt, so I don't see any reason that we shouldn't be playing this game.


Michael, do you think we're crazy?"




I replied immediately.




No, I don't think you're crazy. You're both having fun with this game and neither of you is getting pressured to do something you don't want to do. The one thing I've learned from my problem with Jeanne is that communication, honest open communication is essential. Just keep talking and listening to each other and you'll be fine.




After sending the email I sat back in my chair and shook my head. From what Ruth was telling me it appeared that her husband David really was excited by the idea of her having sex with another man. That was...incredible. David wasn't some sleazy pervert. He was a regular guy. He worked for the city planning department. He was my friend.


It all started with those porn movies, the Roxanne Hall movies they were watching.


I was watching porn movies too. I was watching Julia Ann movies and doing exactly what they were doing. I was imagining that I was watching Jeanne. I was fantasizing about my wife playing with other men. Of course there was a big difference between David's situation and mine. My wife really was playing with other men.


How could that possibly excite me? It was perverted. Yet I had to admit that it did excite me. I watched those damned Julia Ann movies and imagined that I was watching Jeanne. What the fuck was wrong with me? I regularly jacked off while I was imagining my wife enjoying sex with men who weren't me.


I took several deep breaths. I calmed myself. I thought. Was it perverted? If it was, why was it perverted? It was perverted because everyone said it was perverted. That wasn't an adequate explanation. Jeanne didn't think it was perverted. I knew that. She told me that she differentiated between love and sex. She thought sex was fun. She believed that it was something to be freely enjoyed.


While many people would agree that sex was fun; they would add the stipulation that it should only be enjoyed by a husband and wife. Jeanne had challenged that assertion. She'd dared to ask why that limitation had been imposed on her and then, failing to find a reasonable explanation, she'd chosen to act. 


Unfortunately she hadn't allowed me to go through the same process that had eventually led her to the conclusion that had caused her to act. I wasn't prepared for her new life style. That was the crux of our current problem. That's why I was now sitting alone in an ocean side San Francisco motel.


That night I didn't watch a Julia Ann movie and masturbate. As I lay in bed trying to fall asleep I asked myself why. I immediately realized the answer. I was ashamed. I was ashamed of my perverted fantasies.


That realization raised another question. I'd just established that Jeanne had adopted her new life style because she no longer chose to accept the traditional moral dogma that had been instilled in her since she was a little girl. Jeanne was the only person in this world who's opinion actually mattered to me. If she didn't think her behavior was perverted, why should I? Furthermore, if that was the case; didn't it follow that my accepting or even enjoying her behavior didn't necessarily make me a pervert? While that made sense, I still felt like a pervert. 


I thought about that and understood immediately. I'd also been instilled with a moral code. Real men controlled their wives. They zealously guarded their conjugal rights. Only a wimp would allow his wife to enjoy the pleasure of another man.


I once again had to ask why. When Jeanne had sex with Derek Fischer was I in some way diminished as a man? I was now quite certain that Jeanne didn't believe that.


The evening that Jeanne rashly announced to me that she was intending to have an affair we did fight. I was shocked by her sudden and unexpected revelation. Angered by my adamant and to her, unreasonable refusal to even consider what she was telling me Jeanne had lashed out and said things that she has since told me she didn't mean.


While it took me some time, I now understood. Jeanne had foolishly believed that I would listen to her rationale for having an affair, grasp what she was telling me and immediately concur. She hadn't realized that I needed to go through a process similar to the one that she was completing.


Since that night she's realized her mistake and apologized for abruptly dropping this bomb on me. She's also earnestly tried to make me believe that I'm still the man of her dreams and the only man she'll ever love. 


If Jeanne doesn't think less of me because she occasionally dates other men, why should I be concerned that it in some way diminishes me as a man? Intellectually I now understood that it doesn't. Unfortunately recognizing that and actually accepting it are two distinctly separate issues. 


I finally did manage to fall asleep that night, but it was a restless sleep. I was still overwhelmed with emotional turmoil.


The next day I played golf by myself. I needed to be alone. I needed to think.


I missed Jeanne terribly and I believed she missed me. I wanted to go home. I wanted to see Jeanne and I wanted to see my daughters.


I knew that Jeanne was dating other men, but that wasn't bothering me as much anymore. My conversation with Jennifer Rawlins had given me some insight into what was happening with Jeanne. Charles and Edith had helped too. Hearing about Ruth and David's adventures was also helping me. The image of Ruth enjoying sex with another man actually seemed to excite David and Charles had told me that he eventually reached a point where he enjoyed Edith's affairs. 


While I was learning to accept Jeanne's desire to have sex with other men, I still had misgivings. I was afraid that both watching Jeanne get dressed for a date with another man and waiting for her to come home from her date would be agonizing for me. 


As I thought about those two concerns, I realized that they weren't insurmountable problems. I didn't have to be at home while Jeanne was getting ready for a date and when she was out I could find things to do that would help me pass the time.


Charles told me that before a date Edith would always make sure that he was well taken care of sexually. Jeanne had made a similar promise to me. She'd tried to convince me that this could become a sexual adventure for both of us. She'd pledged that she would make me a happy and well satisfied man. That would certainly help make her dates more bearable for me. 


Actually, I hoped that like Charles I might eventually reach a point where I enjoyed Jeanne's dates. Watching her get ready for an evening with another man could turn out to be fun. I loved Jeanne. Seeing her giddy with excitement as she anticipated the pleasure she was going to have on her date could make me happy.


Watching the Julia Ann movies and imagining that Jeanne was Julia Ann had also made it clear that like David, picturing my wife with another man excited me. I could easily imagine spending the time Jeanne was out on a date watching Julia Ann movies and fantasizing about what she was doing, especially if I knew I was going to be rewarded with some hot sex when she returned home.


For a brief moment I actually contemplated ending my trip and returning home, but then I realized that I couldn't. Those weren't the real reasons I had to leave. There were other concerns, concerns that were much more serious. Sadly those concerns weren't my issues, they were Jeanne's and I wasn't even certain that she was aware of them.


Charles was right. I had to stay away. I had to stay away for at least a year. By being away I was providing Jeanne with an opportunity to experience the unfettered life of a single woman, a woman free to be a sexual libertine.


While Jeanne adamantly maintained that she loved me and needed me, I wasn't certain that the love and security she got from me were more important than the thrill she was getting from her sexual adventures. If was going to try to stay with Jeanne I needed to know that she still wanted me. The only way I could do that was to give her an opportunity to experience life without me. If after a year she still eagerly welcomed me home, I believed that I could feel reasonably confident that she continued to want to maintain a serious relationship with me. 


There was another reason I had to stay away. It was a darker and more unnerving reason. I feared that Jeanne might fall in love with one of the men she was dating.


My thoughts returned to Jeanne's date with Derek Fischer. Seeing her passionately kissing him on our front lawn and then the next day hearing that she'd held his hand during a romantic dinner at the Kennsington Grill had actually been much more painful for me than catching them naked together in our bed.


I loved Jeanne. Losing her to another man would be devastating; but if she's doing this because she's grown tired of me, I needed to know it. If she's fallen out of love with me I had to give her an opportunity to find someone new. Trying to hang on to a person who no longer loves you can only lead to a life of unbearable anguish and conflict. 


As I left the golf course it occurred to me that there might be a way to get some insight into what Jeanne was currently thinking. As soon as I got back to my motel I emailed Ruth. 




You mentioned that Jeanne is dating. Please call her and ask what she does on her dates. Don't worry, I understand that she's having sex. That's not what I'm asking about. I'm curious to know what she does before and after the sex.

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Awakenings Ch. 04




As I was about to send the email I realized that there was a risk that Jeanne might say that it was none of my business. I quickly concluded that a response like that would reveal a great deal about Jeanne's current feelings for me. 


I sent the email.


As soon as I got home from golf the next afternoon I turned on my computer and saw that Ruth had replied. I anxiously opened the email




I called Jeanne. She was elated to hear that you'd asked her this question. She thought she understood why you asked it and she was eager to answer it. She told me about her dinner with Derek Fischer at the Kennsington Grill and that you later asked her how she'd feel if she walked into a romantic restaurant and saw you holding hands with another woman. 


She admits that she'd be devastated. I understand. If I saw David holding hands with another woman I'd be devastated too. She told me that when she decided to start having affairs she wasn't looking for romance. You always have and always will provide all the romance she wants. She asked me to remind you that other than you, Derek Fischer was the first man she'd dated in over twenty-seven years. She was a little out of practice and did some things with him simply because that was what she'd learned to do as a single young woman.


She now understands that she's not a single young woman, she's a mature married woman who's deeply in love with her husband. Her dates are about sex and only about sex. 


She said that she does occasionally go to a night club with a man for drinks and a little dancing and sometimes she'll meet a man in a bar for a cocktail, but most of her dates meet her at your house. They'll have a cocktail in the living room and then they'll retire to Tricia's old bedroom for sex. She hopes you can understand that the evenings are more fun if she and her date take a little time to talk and flirt with each other. A little casual conversation over a cocktail or an hour or two spent dancing in a night club makes the sex much more enjoyable for Jeanne. 


Michael, she asked me to be sure to tell you that she does kiss her dates. She doesn't want to lie to you or mislead you. The kisses don't mean anything, they're not intended to be romantic. Kissing is just an important part of sexual foreplay for her. 


She hopes that you're not upset because she's entertaining men in your house. She's very concerned about how you feel about that. She explained that motels are inconvenient and seem like an unnecessary expense. She wants to assure you that when she's done playing with one of her dates he always goes home. You're the only man who will ever sleep with her. She also asked me to tell you that she fully understands the gravity of the mistake she made that Saturday morning with Derek Fischer. She will never again entertain a man in a bedroom she shares with you.


Michael, Jeanne really does love you and she's very concerned about your feelings.




I wrote back.




Please read this to Jeanne.


Jeanne I understand. Of course you have to be friendly with your dates. Cold dispassionate sex wouldn't be much fun. I'm happy to hear that some of your men friends are taking you dancing. I remember how much you used to love dancing when we were first married. I'm glad you're having a good time. 


I've had time to think and I'm beginning to understand your assertion that sex doesn't have to be an expression of love. It can simply be a pleasurable activity enjoyed by two adults, much like playing tennis or golf. If you were playing tennis with a man you would certainly be friendly and talk casually before and after your match. You might even go out for a drink or ice cream after your match, but you probably wouldn't kiss or hold hands while you were sitting in the bar or ice cream store.


While I'm beginning to understand that what you're doing isn't necessarily a threat to our relationship, I have to admit that when I think about what you're doing I still experience occasional periods of jealousy. You're going to have to be patient with me.


It may seem strange to you, but when I think about your brief affair with Derek Fischer the images of him kissing you and you holding his hand during dinner at the Kennsington grill are much more disturbing than the memory of seeing you in bed with him naked.


That wasn't an attempt to make you feel guilty about what you did. I understand and accept your explanation of why it happened. It was your first date with a man other than me in over twenty-seven years. You were nervous and excited. Of course you resorted to dating behaviors that you developed when you were an unmarried young woman. 


I told you that so you would understand that romantic involvement is much scarier for me than physical involvement. That said, I do realize that the trappings of romance are an important part of sexual foreplay. Of course you're going to kiss your dates. When you leave a night club to go to our house, I hope your date has his arm around your shoulder. I know how much you enjoy that. I only ask that you be careful. I fear that we may be playing a dangerous game.


I agree with you, motels are an inconvenience and a needless expense. Don't worry, I don't have any objections to your entertaining your dates in our house. It actually makes good sense. I will admit that I was happy to hear that you're not letting your dates spend the night with you. I was also pleased to learn that your using Tricia's old room. I'm sure she doesn't mind.


I actually have a suggestion. It may seem like a strange suggestion for a husband to make to his wife, but it I think it's a good idea so I'm going to go ahead and make it. Why don't you turn Tricia's old room into your play room. I doubt that Tricia would object, in fact I suspect that she'd think it was a good idea. We still have a little money that I held in reserve when I created the trust funds. I could easily give you a budget of ten thousand dollars for the remodeling. That would allow you to have the room repainted and re-carpeted, buy some new furniture and maybe even purchase several erotic prints for the walls. I think it would be fun. You can also look at it as my way of thanking you for not entertaining your dates in our bedroom. I really do appreciate that.


Jeanne, I love you. I miss you. I think about you constantly. I look forward to the day we can once again be together. Give my love to the girls for me.








Thank you for passing this on and thank you for acting as a go between for Jeanne and me.




Realizing that with this email I was telling Jeanne that I was now willing to accept her new life style I took a deep breath and clicked on the send button.


As soon as that was done I sat back in my chair and closed my eyes. After a moment I realized that I was smiling. I'd just taken a major step towards rebuilding my relationship with my wife.


My happiness waned as I realized that it would still be many months before I could return home. I had to give Jeanne an opportunity to discover exactly how she wanted to live her new life. Even more important she had to decide whether or not there was a place for me in that new life. The only way I knew how to do that was to make her experience life without me. While her answers to the questions I asked her today gave me hope, I knew that she still needed time before both of us could be certain that she really did want to include me in this new life.

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Awakenings Ch. 05


The next morning I was up at 6:00. I was anxious to see if Ruth and Jeanne had responded to my email. Ruth and Jeanne were in the central time zone. I was in the Pacific zone. At home it was 8:00 AM. Ruth would just be getting to work.


The previous day I'd sent my email at 4:00 PM Pacific time. By then Ruth had probably already gone home for the day. This morning she would most likely tend to the firm's business before she'd read my email. She was a good employee. Jeanne was also dedicated to the law firm that employed her. She would certainly take care of her employer's business before she took the time to address her personal concerns. 


Realizing that it was unlikely that I'd hear from Ruth before noon I took a shower, dressed and went out for breakfast. After breakfast I took a stroll through Lincoln Park.


By the time I got back to my motel room it was 12:30. I turned on my computer. There was an email from Ruth. Barely able to contain my excitement I opened it.




Jeanne called me few minutes ago. She just read your email. You made her very happy. 


Michael she wants to talk to you. I think you should let her. This is a complicated situation. It's too complicated for emails, especially emails that I'm passing along to each of you. Right now you're trying to maintain some distance from Jeanne and I understand why, but if you talk to her this one time I believe that she'll respect your desire to be left alone and not badger you with additional telephone calls.


She's waiting to hear from me. If you refuse to talk to her she'll send me an email and I'll forward it to you. I hope you don't make her do that. I think you've both reached a point where you need to talk directly to each other.


Please let me know what you want to do.




I sat back and considered Ruth's suggestion. I had to agree with her. Jeanne and I had reached a point where we needed to talk. Still, I was concerned. For my plan to work Jeanne and I had to maintain some distance. I missed her and I was quite certain that she missed me. It would be easy to slip into a routine of talking to each other every night. 


And then it came to me. It was really quite simple. I typed an email to Ruth.




You're right, Jeanne and I do need to talk. I've thought of a way we can do it and still preserve the distance I feel we need at this time. She can call my motel room phone.


When you talk to Jeanne suggest that she wait until she gets home to make the call. I suspect it will turn out to be a long call. She'll want to be comfortable and in a place where she won't be disturbed.


If Jeanne has plans after work today tell her that we can always talk tomorrow or any evening when she's free. If that does turn out to be the case, let me know so I won't be waiting for her call.


Please remind her that it doesn't matter how late she calls. It's two hours earlier here. 


Once again thank you for acting as our intermediary.




I then added the name of the motel where I was staying, my room number and the motel's telephone number. 


After sending the email I glanced at my wrist watch. It was just after 1:00. Needing to kill time, I went for another walk. It was 2:00 when I returned to my motel room. I immediately checked my email. There was a reply from Ruth. I anxiously opened it.




Thank you, when I read your email to Jeanne she actually screamed with delight. I hope she didn't disturb her bosses. Those attorneys she works for pay her very well, but they're an uptight bunch.


Jeanne will call you as soon as she gets home today. She thought it would be around 6:00. That would make it 4:00 on the west coast.


Michael, I believe you're doing the right thing. Try to listen to Jeanne and understand. I urged her to do the same thing.




Now nervous with anticipation I stood up and began pacing around my motel room. It was going to happen. I was going to talk to Jeanne. 


I had two hours to kill. The wait was going to be unbearable. I'd already taken two walks, I couldn't tolerate another one and I knew that a walk wouldn't be an adequate distraction. Reading and watching television wouldn't work either. I tried playing solitaire on my computer. I immediately lost interest in the game.


Finally, out of desperation I watched a Julia Ann movie on my computer. As I watched the movie I imagined that it was Jeanne and her latest date. While it did help pass the time it had an added benefit. I wanted Jeanne to know that I was trying hard to learn to accept and even enjoy her new lifestyle. Having a little sexual edge would help with that.


The movie featured Julia Ann and a man in his mid to late twenties. They were playing on a couch in a living room. As I watched Julia Ann suck her costars cock I imagined sitting in our den watching a baseball game while Jeanne was in the living room with her date sucking his cock. I had to admit that the image excited me.


At five minutes to four I turned off the movie. I didn't want to be distracted while I talked with Jeanne. After shutting my computer down I sat next to the telephone and waited.


Four o'clock arrived. In the central time zone it was six o'clock. The telephone didn't ring. I continued to wait. The time dragged by. 


Fifteen minutes later Jeanne still hadn't called. I assumed that she'd been delayed by traffic. I continued to wait. 


At 6:30 I stood up and started pacing the room. I kept telling myself that Jeanne had most likely been delayed by traffic or her job. Occasionally at the end of a workday one of the attorneys would need to have several documents prepared. When that happened Jeanne had to stay until everything was finished. Still the icy fingers of doubt and fear began to insinuate their way into my thoughts. Was it possible that Jeanne's latest date had called at the last minute and invited her to stop for an after work cocktail? 


As I was considering the likelihood of that occurrence the telephone rang. It was 6:40. My fears and doubts vanished. Grinning, I answered the telephone. 








"Yes, it's me."


"It's me too."


Jeanne giggled. "I guess we've figured out that it's us."


I laughed. "Yeah, we'll be stars at the old peoples home."


There was a moment of silence and then Jeanne said, "I hope we'll be there together."


"I do too Jeanne."


"Do you Michael? Even after all the stupid things I've done."


"Yes Jeanne, I do. I'm glad you called."


"Thank you for allowing me to call. I'm sorry I'm late. Carl Boyer needed a contract typed. It had to be done today."


"I thought that was probably what happened. Don't worry, I understand."


"Thank you."


"Would you like to talk?"


"Yes, very much."


There was a brief pause and then Jeanne said. "Michael, I'm so sorry about the way I handled all of this. I really was stupid."


"Jeanne during the course of our marriage we've both made mistakes."


"That's true, but you've never made a mistake of the magnitude of the one I just made."


"While I'll concede that it's been done and there's nothing we can do about it. I'm choosing to forget that it happened and try to move on."


"Are you coming home?"


"No Jeanne, I'm not."


"Why not? In your email it sounded like you were actually encouraging me to continue dating. You said that it was okay for me to entertain men in our house. You offered to give me money to turn Tricia's room into a play room."


"Yes that was exactly what I said and I am trying to accept what you're doing. I'm even trying to get to a point where I enjoy what you're doing, but I'm not there yet. I need more time."


"I see." The disappointment in Jeanne's voice was evident.


"Jeanne, I'm going to ask you to do something for me."


"Yes, of course; anything, anything at all."


"If we're eventually going to be able to work this out we have to be totally honest with each other. Can you do that?'


"Of course I can."


"You can't hold anything back."


"Michael, where are you going with this?" Suddenly there was a tone of wariness in Jeanne's voice.


"Promise me Jeanne."


"Why Michael? What are you going to ask me?"


"Anything and everything."


"Why? I thought you forgave me."


"I did. Now I'm trying to figure out a way for both of us to be happy."


"We can be happy Michael. I'll stop dating. I've gotten it out of my system. I don't need to do it anymore. As soon as you come home I'll show you how much I love you."


"It's not that easy Jeanne. When you started this you opened a box. Whether it's a Pandora's box filled with pain and recrimination or a gift box filled with joy and excitement remains to be seen. What I do know is now that you've opened the box we have to confront it."


"No Michael, it will be just like it used to be only better. I've learned to love sex. I promise I'll make you the happiest man in the world."


"I wish it was that easy, I really do; but it's not. Now it's a matter of trust. Every time you're late coming home from work, every time you go out with the girls, every time I have to go out of town for business I'll worry that you're meeting a man for sex."


"No Michael, you can trust me."


"Can I? Haven't you reveled in the freedom you've had during the past three months? You've dated a number of men and enjoyed them all. Won't that be hard to give up?"


"Michael, I..."


"No Jeanne, you don't have to tell me the answers. These questions are for you. Think about it, can I really trust you? That Saturday I caught you with Derek Fischer in our bed you told me that you weren't planning to have sex with him. You made the mistake of letting him kiss you and you melted."


Jeanne sighed.


I pressed. "Can you honestly promise me that it won't occur again? It might happen like this. You'll go out with the other secretaries in your building for a drink after work. You enjoy doing that. One of your old dates will be in the bar. It will be an accident. Neither of you knew the other one would be there. You liked him. You'll talk. You'll have an extra drink. You'll dance a couple of dances. After you're finished dancing you won't return to the table of secretaries, you'll go to a table of your own. After all he was a friend. You'll want to talk." 


Jeanne didn't attempt to refute what I was saying, she just listened.


"He'll lead you to a secluded booth in a dark corner of the bar. When you sit down you'll sit on the same side of the booth. You'll cuddle up to him. You'll feel guilty, but he's a big man. His arms are so comfortable. You'll talk. You'll flirt. It will feel good to flirt again. He'll kiss you. You'll kiss him back. While you're kissing him he'll cup your breast. You'll know that you should stop him, but you won't want to stop him. Instead you'll let your hand brush across his erect penis."


"Please Micheal, don't."


"Jeanne I'm not trying to hurt you. I'm trying to explain." I paused. After a moment I asked; "Can you promise me that a situation like that will never occur?"


Jeanne whispered, "You know I can't"


"So every time you go out without me I'll have to worry."


"Michael what are we going to do? I love you. I want to be with you."


"I want to be with you too Jeanne."


"But you can't trust me."


"Trust is only an issue if I'm asking you to do things you can't do."


"I don't understand."


"Maybe we can find a way for us to be together that allows you to continue dating other men."


"Michael you're confusing me. In your email you suggested that you were maybe willing to accept my dating, but then you started talking about trust...Michael I'm so sorry I started all of this."


"I'm not."

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Awakenings Ch. 05



"Michael, be serious."


"I mean it, I'm not sorry this happened. In fact I think it had to happen. You were ready for it to happen. You needed it to happen. Yes, I do wish you had included me in the process that led you to this, but you didn't and now that's history."


"I really am sorry about that."


"Don't worry, I understand. It was something that happened gradually for you."


"It was. It started when the girls began telling me about they're dates when they were in college."


"They were sexually active."




"And you envied them."


"Not at first. At first I was shocked. I tried to talk to them, but my attempts to talk quickly degenerated into lectures. I spouted the same puritanical nonsense that had been drilled into me when I was a young girl. The lectures quickly turned into arguments. Gradually the arguments turned into debates and I started to lose the debates. Eventually we just talked and then the girls started to teach me."


"Why didn't you tell me about this?"


"The girls asked me not to."


"Why? I'm their father."


"That's exactly why. It's difficult for girls to talk about sex with their father."


"If you'd told me we might have been able to go through this together. We might not be where we are now. It's not good for a husband and wife to keep secrets from each other.


"I know."


"It's okay." I paused for a moment and then I said; "We keep getting sucked into talking about the past. We can't change the past. All we can do is try to influence what happens in the future."


"I need you to forgive me."


"You're already forgiven."


"You've forgiven me for being stupid, but you haven't forgiven me for being a prude."


"I don't understand."


"Michael for twenty-seven years I was a cold fish in bed. The few times I gave you a blow job I did it so grudgingly that it couldn't have been very much fun for you. I didn't enjoy sex. It had nothing to do with you. I've learned that you've always been a wonderful, caring lover. I was just too inhibited to enjoy what you were trying to do."


Jeanne paused. After a moment she said, "And now I'm eagerly doing things for men I barely know that I refused to do for you. You're the man I love. Michael I feel awful about that. And now you're gone so I can't even try to make it up to you."


"It's okay, I think I understand."


"You do?"


"Yes, a woman gave me a pretty good explanation about why that happens."


"A woman? Do I know her?"


"No I met her in a bar the night before that ill fated Saturday."


"You met her in a bar? Did you sleep with..." Jeanne stopped herself in mid sentence. "Listen to me. Isn't that the height of hypocrisy."


"It's okay, we're both getting used to a new life style and no I didn't sleep with her. Her name is Jennifer Rawlins. Would you like to hear what she told me?"


"Yes please."


I told Jeanne the details of my conversation with Jennifer Rawlins. 


When I was finished Jeanne said, "That's a pretty good explanation. It clarifies something for me."


"What's that?"


"I'll tell you, but you have to promise you won't get mad."


"We have to be totally honest with each other Jeanne. That means that we also have to try to hear the truth without getting angry. I'll do my best."


"Okay, when I went out with Derek I was still too ashamed to reveal my new sexual desires to you, but with him it was easy. Until now I haven't been able to understand why. I didn't even really like Derek. He just happened to be in the right place at the right time."


"You're telling me that he was a convenient practice partner."


"That's exactly what he was."


"It's hard to free ourselves from the cultural restraints that were ingrained in us while we were growing up, isn't it."


"Yes Michael, it really is."


"Right now I'm struggling with that same demon."


"You are? How?"


"In our culture real men don't share their wives with other men."


Jeanne was silent. After a moment she said; "I'm sorry Michael. I never really thought about how this was affecting you. I assumed that your only problem was overcoming petty jealousy. There's a much bigger issue, isn't there."


"Yes Jeanne, there is."


"In it's own way it's every bit as inhibiting as the prudish restraints that are pounded into women as they grow up. How are you doing with it?"


"It's a struggle, but I'm working at it. I'm making some progress. We're having this conversation."


"Yes we are. You are making progress. I've always known that you're a very special man, but I'm just beginning to realize how special you really are."


There was more silence. Both of us realized that because this was a battle I was currently fighting, conversation about it would be tense and potentially volatile.


Artfully changing the subject Jeanne said; "Tell me more about the cocktail lounge where you met this Rawlins woman."


"Jeanne are you jealous?"


"Michael, I just..." Jeanne paused for a moment and then she said, "Yes, I suppose I am."


"As you mentioned earlier, that's a little hypocritical of you, isn't it."


"Yes Michael it is, but there's a difference for men and women."


"Go on."


"There aren't many men who would view me as marriage material."




"I'm too old for most younger men."


"What about all that MILF stuff?"


"Michael MILF means mothers I'd like to fuck, not mothers I'd like to marry."


"Okay, what about older men?"


"Older men, especially older men with money are looking for younger women."


"Trophy wives."


"That's right."


"I don't believe all older men are looking for trophy wives. There have to be some older men who are just looking for a good mate."


"There are; but those men aren't interested in me, at least not as a wife."




"Because I'm a slut."


"That's a harsh label."


"Thank you, but I don't agree. In fact I kind of like it. Define slut."


Understanding where Jeanne was going, I laughed and said; "It's a woman who freely enjoys sex with a variety of partners."


"Michael I'm sorry if this upsets you, but at this point in my life that's exactly what I want to be."


"That's the first time you've actually admitted that to me."


There was a moment of silence and then Jeanne said, "That may be the first time I've actually admitted it to myself. I've been trying to convince myself that this is just a brief adventure, but I know it's not. I'm sorry Michael, but I enjoy being a slut." 


"I'm glad you're finally admitting it. Now we have to figure out a way for both of us to live with that reality. That's the heart of our problem."


"Yes it is. Michael, I'm so sorry. I wish..."


"Jeanne you don't need to apologize. It's your life. You get to decide what you want to do with it. I love you. If this is what you want then I'm going to encourage you to do it. When we're old I don't want you to feel like you missed something."


"But what about you Michael? This affects you too."


"Yes it does and I'll eventually have to make decisions about my own life. I do know that I would prefer to spend the rest of my life with you. Whether or not I can find a way to do that remains to be seen. Please believe me when I tell you that I intend to try very hard.


"Thank you Michael; please believe me, I want that every bit as much as you do."


"Okay, back to the question we were discussing. You're a slut, why does that make you less appealing as a wife?" As soon as I said it I understood.


Jeanne said, "Because..."


I said, "Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt you; but I think I just got it."


"You've always been a bright man. Tell me what you're thinking."


"They're confronted by the same problem that's vexing me."


"That's right, they know I won't be faithful to them. They don't want to take on the baggage of a philandering wife."

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Awakenings Ch. 05



I started laughing.


Jeanne asked, "What's so funny?"


"You just shattered one of my two greatest fears."




"I was afraid that you might fall in love with one of your boyfriends and decide to marry him."


"But now you understand just how unlikely that is."




"Michael I can't imagine ever developing an emotional attachment to another man that's stronger than the one I have with you, but if it ever does happen please understand that it could only be a temporary infatuation."


"It would still hurt."


"You do understand that it's much more likely to occur with you."


"You're talking about women throwing themselves at me."


"Women who are looking for a husband. You are fabulous husband material."


"I'm married."


"You are, but I'm not making any effort to hide my new life style."


"You're telling me that people are going to talk."


"I'm sorry Michael, I really am; but they already are."


"Yes, I'm sure the neighbors see the men coming to our house."


"Baby, I'm sorry. This is the life I want to lead and..."


"No it's okay. This is why I have to stay away. This is part of my journey. I either have to learn to live with your new life style or I have to..."


"Michael, that's why women are going to be throwing themselves at you. They'll see you as vulnerable."


"Jeanne if we do end up separating I promise you that I'll never marry another woman."


"When I make that same promise to you, you don't believe me. Why should I believe you?"


"And this is why I have to be gone for an entire year. We need time to reestablish just how important we are to each other."


"But during that time you could fall in love with another woman, divorce me and marry her."


"And while I'm gone you could decide that I'm an unnecessary burden that keeps you from fully enjoying life as a free loving libertine."


"No Michael, I need you. You'll never be a burden to me."


"And I'll never fall in love with another woman."


"Michael what are we going to do?"


"We're going to start working on building our new relationship."


"How are we going to do that? You're gone."


"You have to start living the life you really want to live. If you want to be a slut then you need to be a slut. You can't hold back."


"Won't that make things worse?"


"No it won't. It's the only way this can work. Jeanne I've thought about it. The only thing wrong with what you're doing is that it violates the accepted moral conventions of our culture. You've decided that those moral conventions aren't valid. Any compromises you make in the life you want to lead are compromises to beliefs that you've rejected. I fear those compromises could eventually cause you to feel dissatisfied. Even worse, if you view me as the cause of those compromises it might eventually lead you to feel resentment and even anger towards me. Jeanne, I believe that it's absolutely essential that you fully embrace your new life style."


"Michael, I don't want to hurt you?"


"You'll only hurt me if you stop loving me."


"I'll never do that."


"My job is to find a way to be confident of that. That means that I have to do what you did. I have to overcome the beliefs about sex and love that were instilled in me while I was growing up."


"Can you do that?"


"I'm going to try. It will help if you spend some time reassuring me that you still love me."


"How can I do that? You're gone. I don't get to see you. I don't get to talk to you. I don't even get to send you direct emails."


"We'll change that. I'll buy second cell phone. That will also allow you to contact me if there's an emergency. I'll get a second email address too. It will be for just you and me."


"Thank you, not being able to talk to you has been so difficult."


"Jeanne, we're still going to have to limit our communication."




"We've been together for a long time. We take each other for granted. You need to experience life without me and I need to experience life without you. We have to find out if we really do need each other."


"But I do need you. I can't bear the thought of living without you."


"Jeanne there are now going to be a number of other men in your life. I fear that you may eventually discover that you don't need me as much as you thought you did."


"No Michael, I'll always need you."


"The only way we can be certain of that is if you experience life without me. Jeanne when I come home I want to be confident that there will always be a place for me in your life."


"Michael there always will be a place for you in my life."


"How can you be sure of that Jeanne?"


Jeanne was silent. After a moment she said; "Okay you're telling me that you want me to live like I was a single woman."


"Yes, that would be one way to look at it."


"I guess I can do that."


"There's more."


"Okay, tell me."


"When you find a man you enjoy I want you to try dating him on regular basis."


"Michael are you trying to get rid of me?"


"No Jeanne, I'm not. What I'm trying to do is use the time we're apart to address some of the problems that are likely to occur after I return. I suspect that eventually you will find men that you enjoy both sexually and socially and you're going to want to see them regularly. That's going to be hard for me. I'm going to need some opportunities to get used to it."


Jeanne sighed. "You're right, I've already met a guy I like. He's called me a couple of times. I haven't returned his phone calls. Out of concern for your feelings I've been trying to limit my dates to one night stands."


"Remember what I said earlier. If this is going to work you're going to have to fully embrace your life as a slut. You also told me that if you do fall for a guy it will only be a temporary infatuation and you assured me that the men you date aren't looking for a wife. If this is going to work I have to be confident that all of that is true."


"Okay, I'll call him."


"What's his name?"


"Why do you need to know that?"


"If this is going to work we need total honesty. You can't hold anything back. We can't keep secrets from each other."


"I understand what you're saying, but won't this make it harder for you?"


"Maybe at first, but once I get used to it I think it will make it easier."


"All right, his name is Trent Peters. I met him at The Goldenrod Supper Club. I occasionally go there with some of the other secretaries in the building."


"I remember."

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Awakenings Ch. 05



"He was there having a drink with a friend. I noticed him right away. He's very handsome." Jeanne paused for a moment and then she said, "I'm sorry Michael, I shouldn't have said that."


"No Jeanne, I'm glad you told me that. I have to get used to the idea that you're dating good looking men."


"I caught him looking at me several times. I started smiling at him. I decided that I wanted to meet him. I told the other women what was happening. They know you're gone and they know that while you're gone I'm dating other men. I haven't explained why you're gone and they've been discreet enough not to ask. I'm certain that they assume that we're having marital problems and for the time being I'm content to let them believe that."


"That makes sense to me."


"The women agreed that he was cute and encouraged me to go for it. I think they're all a little envious of me."


"I'm sure they are."


"I left to go to the ladies room. When I returned I looked directly at him. When he noticed me looking at him I gave him a wink. He smiled and winked back, so I sat down at an empty table and gave him a little head nod. It was an invitation to join me. He said something to his friend and then he picked up his drink, walked over to my table and introduced himself. I invited him to sit down and we started flirting."


"You enjoy flirting, don't you."


"Yes, I really do."


"Did you tell him you were married?"


"I didn't have to, he already knew. I always wear my wedding ring, even when I go out looking for men. The men I'm seeking won't be discouraged by a wedding ring. In fact if I'm sending the right signals it will encourage them."


"That makes sense."


"He did ask me about the ring. I confirmed that I was married but added that I occasionally enjoyed a little fun on the side. He told me that he was married too and also occasionally enjoyed a little extra fun." Concerned about how I was doing, Jeanne paused and asked, "Michael are you all right?"


I reassured her. "I'm just fine Jeanne."


"Do you want to hear more?"


"Yes, this is exactly what I need to hear."


"Are you mad?"


"No not at all."


"Are you sure?"


"Don't worry, I'm fine. If I start to get upset I'll warn you before it gets out of hand."




"He told you that he was married."




"What happened next?"


"I told him that you were out of town. He told me that his wife was at her book club meeting and wouldn't be home until at least 10:30. It was only 6:00 so I asked him if he'd like to come over to our house for a drink."


"Of course he accepted."


"He did. I wrote our address and my cell phone number on a napkin and told him that he should park in the garage. He followed me home. When I pulled into my side of the garage he pulled into your side and I closed the garage door behind us."


"Why didn't you just have him park on the street? You said that you weren't trying to hide your new lifestyle."


"I was trying to be considerate of you. That night Derek picked me up at the house I was indiscreet. I embarrassed you. I don't want to do that again."


"But you say that you're not trying to hide your new life style. Isn't that a contradiction?"


"I guess so. Michael this is all very confusing. I enjoy being a slut and I get a little thrill out of flaunting it in front of people, but I also don't want to embarrass you."


"Go ahead and flaunt it. Now that I've had a chance to think about all of this I'm not all that concerned about the opinion of our neighbors. Actually I have to admit that having a slut wife is kind of exciting."




"Yes really."


"Then get ready for a little excitement because your wife loves being a slut."


"You're enjoying this, aren't you."


"Yes I am."


"That's why I have to stay away for awhile. I want you to immerse yourself in this new life."


"I wish you were here. I'd like to share the excitement with you."


"Jeanne I'm not yet ready for that. I think I can handle hearing about your adventures, but actually witnessing them would still be difficult for me."


"I understand."


"I would like to hear more about your evening with Trent Peters."


"Are you sure? It might be painful for you. You do understand why he came to the house."


"Yes Jeanne, I understand why he came to the house."


"Of course you do. I'm sorry Michael. I'm still a little nervous about talking to you about this."


"And that's exactly why we have to talk about it. If I'm going to be part of your new life we have to be able to talk about it. You have to be able to tell me about your dates and I have to be able to hear about them without getting upset. Eventually I hope that I'll be able to enjoy hearing about them. Jeanne you're excited about your new life. I want to be able to share that excitement with you."


"I want that too Michael."


"If that's going to happen you have to start telling me about your dates, every detail."


"I understand and I'll do that, but first I need to ask you something."


"Go ahead."


"I've learned that I enjoy talking dirty. Would you be offended if I use some coarse language?"


I laughed. "No, in fact I think it would be fun. It might also help dispel that image of a proper wife and mother that you worked so hard to maintain for all those years."


Jeanne giggled. "I think that image is about to be shattered."


"I'm ready."


"Okay, here goes. When we got into the house I made two martinis. While I was doing that Trent was all over me. He was kissing my neck, fondling my breasts with one hand and rubbing my ass with the other."


"You loved it, didn't you."


"I did." Jeanne paused and then she asked. "Is that okay."


"Yes, it's okay. In fact it wouldn't be a very good story if you weren't enjoying it."


"You're right, it's just that...I don't know, this all feels so strange."


"And that's why we have to do it. We have to try to reach a point where it doesn't feel strange."




"Please continue, Trent was kissing your neck, fondling your tits and rubbing your ass."


"Yes he was, but I have to admit that while hearing you say that so casually is exciting, it's also a little unnerving."


"Now don't try to put me on that pedestal that you're you're working so hard to escape."


"Micheal honey, we've shared that pedestal for twenty-seven years."


"Maybe in your mind. In my mind I've been a dirty little pervert for the whole time."


Jeanne laughed, but then she paused. After a moment she said; "Michael, I'm sorry I was such a prude."


"It's okay, now back to Trent. You're making martinis and he's rubbing your ass."


Giggling, Jeanne said; "That's right. As soon as I finished the martinis we moved into the living room and sat on the couch. We clinked our glasses, took a sip of our cocktails and set them on the coffee table. I smiled at Trent. He kissed me. Our martinis were immediately forgotten. We started making out. In a matter of minutes we were both naked and I was on my knees between Trent's legs sucking his cock."


Suddenly realizing how excited she sounded, Jeanne stopped. There was a long uncomfortable silence. Finally she said, "Michael I'm so sorry that I've never done that with you."


There was more silence. Jeanne waited. I didn't respond. Her intuition had been correct. I was hurt.


"Michael please say something."


"Jeanne, I don't know what to say. Do you want me to tell you how happy I am to hear your description of how you so eagerly sucked this guys cock?"


"I'm sorry Michael. I didn't intend to get so excited."


"But you did get excited. It was clear to me that you were more excited about this guy's cock than you've ever been about mine."


"Michael that's not true. I love your cock. I've always loved your cock."


"Really? That's interesting. When was the last time you kneeled between my legs while I was sitting on a couch and gave me a blowjob. Oh I remember, never!"


"Michael please understand."


"Oh that's right, that was before your awakening. Jeanne at this moment it seems to me that just about every man on the North American continent but me is benefiting from your awakening."


"Michael you've been gone."


"I was there when Derek Fischer was getting the benefit. Hell I had the pleasure of watching you give it to him."


"Michael please, you weren't supposed to come home for several hours."


"You're right, that was my mistake. In the future I'll remember to make an appointment when I want to see my wife."


"Michael, I fucked up. I fucked up royally. I'm sorry, I don't know what else to say."


"Neither do I, so I guess there isn't any reason to continue this conversation. Good bye Jeanne, it was nice to talk to you."


I hung up the telephone.


A minute later it started ringing. I ignored it. Eventually it stopped.


Fifteen minutes later there was a knock on my door. I opened it. It was John the motel manager. "Mr. Nolan, a woman claiming to be your wife is trying to reach you. You're not answering your telephone. Is there a problem?"


"John right now I'd prefer not to talk to my wife. Can we leave it at that?"


"Yes sir, of course we can."


John started to leave. I stopped him. "Just a minute." I peeled two twenty dollar bills from my money clip. As I handed them to him I said; "Unless I tell you otherwise, I'd prefer to be left alone for the remainder of my stay here."


John took the money and said; "Of course sir, if anyone calls I'll tell them that your unavailable and I'll invite them to leave a message. Will that be adequate?"


"Yes, that will be just fine."


A soon as John was gone I sat done in the room's big easy chair. Closing my eyes I sighed and shook my head. I knew that I'd just fucked up royally and I didn't know what to do about it.


I slept fitfully that night. The next morning I awoke feeling tired, depressed and alone. I didn't feel like doing anything. I wanted to call Jeanne, but I was too ashamed to even consider doing that. The previous evening I'd coaxed her into telling me the details of her date with Trent Peters. I assured her that it would be all right. I actually convinced her that it would be therapeutic for both of us. And then while she was doing exactly what I'd asked her to do I lost my temper. I was idiot.


I forced myself to make a pot of coffee and tried to read. The coffee tasted bitter and I couldn't focus on the novel I was reading.


I took a shower and shaved. That made me feel a little better. Deciding that I was hungry I walked to a cafe on Geary Street and had breakfast. As I was walking back to my motel I finally noticed that it was a beautiful day. 


Realizing that the worst thing I could do was spend the day alone in my motel room wallowing in my misery; I hurried back to my room, got in my car and drove to the Lincoln Park golf course. 


A threesome of men I'd played with previously were just teeing off. I joined them. The sunshine, the good company and the golf helped restore my spirits. By the end of the round I knew that I had to call Jeanne and try to make amends for my irrational behavior. As I drove back to the motel from the golf course I was composing my apology.


I got back to my motel room at about three o'clock. It was Thursday, a work day. At home it was five o'clock. Jeanne would just be leaving work. It was a bad time to call her. I decided to take a shower and call her in an hour.


While I was taking my shower I realized that I was starving. I hadn't eaten since breakfast. I needed food. I dried off and dressed quickly. There was a sandwich shop six blocks away. I could grab a quick sandwich and still be at my motel room to call Jeanne at 4:30 which would be 6:30 her time. The timing should be perfect.


I was tucking in my shirt when I was struck with a sudden fear. What if Jeanne had a date with Trent Peters. What if she met him for drinks and dinner after work. When they finished dinner they'd go back to our house. Jeanne would suck his cock and then he'd fuck her.


I sat down on my bed and buried my face in my hands. I couldn't do this. Sharing Jeanne with other men was difficult, but it wasn't an insurmountable problem. I was reasonably certain that given enough time I could learn to accept and maybe even enjoy her affairs. Hearing her talking about doing things for other men that she'd always refused to do for me was the real obstacle. It tore me apart. It was unbearable.


Still, I didn't want to lose Jeanne. She was the mother of my children and the love of my life. Living without her was unthinkable. I had to find the strength to get through this. I pulled myself together and stood up. I could do it, I had to do it and I knew how to do it. I had to begin by calling Jeanne. Communication was the answer, but we had to establish some ground rules. We needed to find a way to talk about what Jeanne was doing that wouldn't create unbearable heartache for me.


As I was picking up my wallet and car keys there was a knock on my motel room door.


Assuming that it was the manager I walked over to the door and said; "John what do you need?"


"Michael, it's me. Open the door." It was Jeanne. 


"Jeanne what are you doing here?"


"I had to see you."


"But how did..."


"Michael open the door and let me in."


I smiled. That was my Jeanne. She didn't tolerate foolishness. I opened the door.


Jeanne threw her arms around me and said, "Baby please don't make me go away. I had to see you. I couldn't sleep at all last night. I love you so much and I hurt you when we talked yesterday. I'm sorry I did that. I understand why you got mad. I was telling you about doing things for other men that I've never done for you. Micheal this has all gotten out of hand. I do want to play with other men, but not while you're being neglected."

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Awakenings Ch. 05




I said, "Hi Jeanne." And then I held her close and whispered, "I won't make you go away. I can't begin to describe how happy I am to see you right now. I couldn't sleep last night either. I love you too and I'm so sorry that I got mad while we were talking yesterday."


"It's okay, it's my fault. All of this is my fault. My stupidity put us in an untenable situation."


"You haven't done anything that's stupid. You're trying to live a lifestyle that's a little different. It's changing both of our lives. Sometimes change is difficult."


"Micheal, do you think we can work this out?"


"I do, but lets not try to get it all done in the next five minutes. You're here. 


I can't imagine anything that would have made me happier today than seeing you." 


Jeanne stepped back and smiled. "I'm sorry I didn't have time to buy a new dress and get my hair done. Getting here took up my entire day."


"It's okay, I'm just glad that you're here." I picked up Jeanne's travel bag, carried it into the room and set it by the bed. When I turned around Jeanne was unzipping her dress. She let it fall to the floor and stepped out of it. After picking it up and tossing it on the bed she turned and faced me. She was wearing a black brassiere, a black garter belt, a pair of black nylon stockings, black lace panties and her black high heeled pumps.


I stared at her. 


Grinning, Jeanne said; "Do you like what you see studman?"


I laughed. "Yeah, I like it a whole lot."


Jeanne reached behind her back and unclasped her brassiere. As she took it off and tossed it on the bed, she said; "Take off your pants."


"Jeanne don't you want to get some dinner or have a drink first?"


She shook her head. "No, I need to do this right away. It's important."


Understanding; I unbuckled my belt, unzipped my trousers and let them fall to the floor. After stepping out of them I picked them up and tossed them onto the bed next to Jeanne's dress.


Jeanne was wearing her panties over her garter belt. She pushed them down to her ankles. I stared at her @@@@@@@ pussy. It was shaved bare."


Seeing me staring, she said; "Do you like my shaved cunt?"


I nodded. "Very much."


"I wish you were the first man to see it, but I won't lie to you. You're not."


"It's okay, I assumed that was the case."


"Take off your boxers."


I pushed my undershorts down and stepped out of them. My penis was sticking straight out. As I picked up my underwear Jeanne said; "I see that you have a big problem. Sit down on the bed. I'll take care of it for you."


Grinning, I sat down on the bed. Jeanne kneeled on the floor between my legs and wrapped the fingers of her right hand around my erection. While I'm not a big man, I'm not small either. Erect, my penis is about six inches. Jeanne could easily wrap the fingers of one hand around it, but not two.


As she began stroking me with her right hand she gently cupped my balls with her other hand.


I closed my eyes. The sensations Jeanne was creating were wonderful. But then it got even better. She leaned forward and kissed the head of my cock.


I gasped.


Giggling, Jeanne looked up at me and asked; "Do you like that big boy?"


I nodded.


"I think you'll like this even more." She parted her lips, sucked the head of my cock into her mouth and started licking it with her tongue. 


I gasped again. 


She did this for maybe a half a minute and then she stopped and took my cock out of her mouth. "Michael I'm going to suck you now. I want you to relax and let yourself go. I want you to cum and when you cum I want you to cum in my mouth. I've never let another man do that and I never will. You're the only man who will ever get to cum in my mouth and I'll do it for you any time you ask me."


Jeanne slipped my cock back into her mouth and started sucking me again. At the same time she stroked me and fondled my balls. The sensations she was creating were glorious.


Slowly she intensified her efforts. She sucked me more vigorously and stroked me harder and quicker. As Jeanne did that my excitement grew. I felt the warm glow of pleasure building in my loins. 


Jeanne kept sucking me. Suddenly I felt the first spurt semen erupt into her mouth. She kept sucking me. Another spurt followed and then another. Jeanne kept sucking me. 


I felt the spurts of cum subside. Jeanne continued sucking me. 


Finally my erection started to wilt in Jeanne's mouth. She let it slip from between her lips, looked up at me and smiled.


I smiled back.


She said, "Did you enjoy that?"


"Very much, thank you."


"I enjoyed it too. Feeling you cumming in my mouth was exciting."


Reaching down, I helped Jeanne to her feet. She sat next to me on the bed. I started to kiss her. 


She pulled her face away. "Michael, you just came in my mouth. Let me get a wash cloth and wipe off my lips."


Shaking my head, I said; "If my semen doesn't bother you it certainly shouldn't bother me."


Smiling, Jeanne closed her eyes and kissed me. I kissed her back and then I held her tightly in my arms.


end of Awakenings Ch. 05
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Awakenings Ch. 06


After a moment Jeanne kissed me and said; "Michael I'm starving. I'll bet you are too."


"I am."


"Got any thoughts about dinner?"


"How about some seafood? That is the Pacific Ocean out there."


"I like that idea. Do you know any good restaurants?"


"There's a very nice sea food cafe on Geary Street."


"Is it very far away?"


"Maybe a mile."


"Is it fancy?"


"Do you want fancy? If you do we can go the Cliff House. It's at the bottom of the hill."


"Let's do that tomorrow night. Tonight I want casual."


"The seafood cafe will be perfect."


"I'd like to take a shower first, want to join me?"


"I just took a shower, but I'd love to watch?"


"I didn't know I was married to a voyeur."


"You've always been a little inhibited about letting me see you naked. I never had a chance to be a voyeur."


Jeanne sighed. "Michael I'm sorry, I really was a prude."


I shrugged.


Smiling, Jeanne said, "I'm not a prude anymore." She sat down on the bed, spread her legs and started fingering her shaved cunt. "You can even watch me masturbate. Would you like that? Would you like to watch your slut wife get herself off?"


Laughing, I said; "I would like that, but let's do it after dinner."


Jeanne stood up. As she stripped off her lingerie she said; "You're right, we're both starving, but you can still watch me shower and maybe I'll even let you wash my pussy, my ass and my tits for me."


"I think this afternoon is the first time I've ever heard you say the word tits."


"I know. Mine are big and when I was teenager I was taught to be ashamed of them. I tried to conceal them. Everyone told me that only sluts have large breasts."




"The other girls in my high school. The boys did too. At the end of a date they all got really aggressive. They couldn't keep their hands off of me. When I wouldn't let them touch me they said I was frigid. I told my mother what was happening. She encouraged me to try to hide my breasts. She started buying me heavy loose blouses, bulky sweaters and oversized sweatshirts."


"You never told me that."


"It wasn't easy to talk about it."


I nodded.


"But it's okay now. I'm not ashamed of them anymore. In fact I'm proud of them. I enjoy showing them off. It used to embarrass me when men stared at them. Now it makes me feel desirable."


"I'm sorry, I didn't realize that you felt so insecure about your body."


"It's not your fault, I never told you. It was my deep secret."


"I should have known. I didn't. I just thought you were prudish. I did try to compliment you about your figure, but when I did it you almost always ignored me."


"I know. Accepting compliments about something that had always been a source of shame for me was difficult. It was easier to nod politely or ignore them all together."


"I should have done something."


"There wasn't anything you could have done. Overcoming my insecurity about my body was a personal challenge that I had to confront on my own." She walked over to me, picked up my hand and placed it on one of her large breasts. "I have finally vanquished that demon. Now I love it when you see me naked. I want you to stare at me. I'm proud of my body."


"You should be, you have a gorgeous figure."


Grinning at me, Jeanne took my hand from her breast. As she pulled me into the bathroom, she said; "Come on studman, you can watch me take a shower."


As soon as Jeanne was under the shower spray she washed her face and neck. After rinsing herself she handed the bar of soap to me and said; "You can do the rest."


I did. I Washed her large breasts first. I could barely control myself. It was wonderful. I washed Jeanne's back and tummy next and then I got down on my knees and did her legs and her feet. I was saving the best for last.


After finishing Jeanne's feet I stood up and washed her butt cheeks. As I moved to do her pussy she said, "You didn't finish my ass."


I looked at her with a puzzled expression.


"You didn't wash my asshole."


I stared at Jeanne in shock.


She laughed. "Now who's being prudish."


That was a challenge. Chuckling, I said; "It's not going to be me."


Still laughing Jeanne leaned against the shower stall wall and stuck out her butt. "Okay, go to work."


Excited, I rubbed the bar of soap up and down the crack of Jeanne's ass then I washed her with my fingers tips. As I was washing her I said, "This is the first time I've ever touched you here."


"I know, it feels funny to have you touch me there, but it's nice funny. I like it. Will you do something for me?"


"Sure, what do want?"


"Would you soap up your finger and push it into my asshole."




"Are you being prudish again?"


Laughing, I said; "No, but it is taking me a little time to get used to the new Jeanne."


"Do you like her."


"Yes I do, very much."


"Good, because being the new Jeanne is a lot more fun than being the old Jeanne."


"It's sure a lot more fun to shower with her."


"So, will you do it?"


"Do you really want me to?"


"Yes I do."


"What was it you wanted me to do? Tell me once more."


"Are you teasing me?"


"A little, but mostly I want to hear you say asshole again. Hearing you talk dirty is fun."


Giggling, Jeanne said; "Asshole, cunt, cock, tits, fuck, suck."


We both laughed.


Jeanne said, "Now will you please push your finger into my asshole."


"Yes ma'am, I'll be happy to accommodate you."


"Soap it up good."


"I will."


I lathered the area around Jeanne's anus and then I soaped up my middle finger and tentatively pushed it into her. 


Jeanne gasped. I hesitated.


She said, "Don't stop. It feels good. Push it in farther."


"You're sure?"


"Oh I am absolutely positive."


I pushed my finger in to the first knuckle. The soap was a good lubricant. My finger slid in easily.


Jeanne said, "Deeper."




"Yes, it feels good. Push your finger in all the way."


"Okay." I pushed my finger in to the second knuckle."


"Oh hell yes! Now fuck me. Finger fuck my asshole."


"Are you sure?"


"Yes, please do it."


I started slowly pushing my finger in and out of Jeanne's anus. Feeling a little tentative about what I was doing, I tried to be gentle.


She cooed, "That feels good, go faster."


Jeanne's encouragement bolstered my confidence. I quickened the pace.


"Yes, that's good, but faster. Do it faster."


I intensified the pace even more.


"Oh god yes! That's it, finger fuck my asshole." Jeanne moved her right hand to her pussy and started rubbing herself. "Michael this is amazing. Do it faster! Fuck my ass with your finger. Fuck it hard!"


Aroused by Jeanne's unbridled excitement I tried to fuck her ass even harder with my finger.


Suddenly I felt the muscles in Jeanne's body tighten. For a moment she was perfectly still, then she screamed and her entire body started to shake. Frightened, I pulled my finger out of Jeanne's ass and held her tightly to me. While I was certain that I knew what was happening, it was still unsettling. 


Gradually Jeanne's body relaxed. I continued to hold her. While I held her the spray from the shower pelted our naked bodies with warm water. I didn't care. I don't believe that I'd ever felt as alive as I did at that moment.


Strength and control quickly returned to Jeanne's body. Turning, she kissed me hard on the lips. I kissed her back. A steady spray of warm water was still raining down on us. After we kissed we held each other tightly. 


Finally Jeanne pulled away and said; "Michael that was magnificent."


"Yeah, I liked it too." And then laughing, I added; "Remember that image of the pristine wife and mother that you tried to maintain for all those years?"




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Awakenings Ch. 06



"You just shattered it."


Jeanne smiled, "Good, it needed to be shattered."


We stared at each other in silence. After a moment Jeanne asked; "Michael I'm a slut. Can you still love me?"


"Yes, of course I can." I grinned. "I'm beginning to understand that living with you is going to be a whole lot of fun."


"Do you really mean that?"


"I do, but I'm still going to need some time to get used to this new life style."


Sighing, Jeanne said; "I understand. Let's get dressed."


I started putting my clothes back on. Jeanne picked up her dress. As she was hanging it in the closet I asked; "How long can you stay?"


"I don't have to go back until Sunday afternoon. Is that all right?"


"It's wonderful. That gives us two whole days together. Is this all right with your bosses?"


"I didn't give them much choice. I didn't ask. This morning I called and told them I was going. I've worked hard for that firm for ten years. They can accommodate me on this"


"What if they don't?"


"I can easily live on the monthly check from the trust fund you set up for me before you left. I'd like to work, but if I have to do it I can get by without a job."


Jeanne folded her lingerie and glanced at the four drawer dresser next to the bed.


"Are you using all four drawers?"


"Just the top two."


"Can I have the bottom two?"


"Of course."


After putting her lingerie into the second drawer from the bottom Jeanne opened her travel bag and unpacked it. She had two pairs of slacks and several blouses. She hung one pair of slacks and two of the blouses in the closet. She laid the other pair of slacks, a blouse and a pair of thong panties on the bed and then she put an assortment of stockings and undergarments in the drawers.


When that was finished Jeanne picked up her makeup kit and walked into the bathroom. "I have to put on some makeup. It won't take long."


She left the bathroom door open. She was still naked. I watched. She started with her eye makeup. I noticed that she was applying a much heavier amount of eye shadow and mascara than she used to wear. Next she put on bright red lip gloss and then she sprayed her neck and cleavage with perfume. 


As she was putting her perfume away she said, "It's nice to be able to wear perfume. I can't do that when I'm on a date."


"Why not?"


"I only date married men. They can't go home to their wives with the scent of another woman's perfume on them."


"That makes sense, but I never would have thought about it. How did you figure it out?"


"Tricia told me."


"Does Tricia date married men?"


"Occasionally, she doesn't do it a lot. She doesn't have time. She's still with Paul and she gets together with Randy Parkman at least once a week. Randy is married, so I suppose that does count."


"What does Paul think about all of that?"


Jeanne walked over to the bed and picked up her thong panties. As she stepped into them she said; "Paul loves it."


"He loves it?"


"Yes, he really does. Michael some men get excited when their wives date other men. Paul is one of those men. Ruth is starting to figure out that David is too."


"Have you been talking to Ruth about all of this?"


"Every day, I'm advising her to go slow. I don't want her to make the same mistake I made."


"You mean pushing David into something before he's ready for it."


Jeanne stepped into her slacks and pulled them up. She actually had to work at it. They were skin tight. As she fastened the waist button, she said; "That's exactly what I mean."


"I think that's a good idea."


Jeanne picked up her blouse, pulled it over head and tugged it down. It was a beautiful deep burgundy with gold embroidery. It was also skin tight and had a low cut scoop neck that left almost all of her ample cleavage @@@@@@@. The thin stretch fabric clung to the small portions of her breasts that were still covered and failed to conceal the bumps of her nipples.


Jeanne walked over to her open travel bag. She removed a pair of beige high heeled strappy sandals, sat down on the bed and put them on. 


As she fastened the straps I asked, "Does Jodie date married men too?"


"Occasionally, she's only twenty-three. Right now she's not looking for a serious relationship, so it doesn't make much difference to her. Michael it's just recreational sex. Nobody's getting hurt."


I nodded. "I know and while I get it, it's going to take a little more time before I'm able to fully embrace that concept. I still have some social conditioning to overcome."


Jeanne nodded and then she stood up and twirled around. "How do I look?"


I grinned. "You're gorgeous, but I have to say that your outfit is a little more daring than what you used to wear."


Giggling, Jeanne said; "A little more daring? Sweetheart this is a lot more daring. I used to dress like a prude."


"You were a prude."


"Yes I was, but now I'm a slut. Michael I love being a slut. I love dressing like a slut. I used to be ashamed of my body, now I'm proud of it. I love having big tits and I love showing them off."


Jeanne paused for a moment and then she said, "If it bothers you I can change. I brought two bras with me and I have a blouse that buttons up the front. If you want me to do it, I'll put it on and button it all the way up to my neck."


Shaking my head, I said; "No, I think you look gorgeous. You're going to draw a few stares, but I can get used to that. In fact I think I might actually learn to enjoy it."


"I really do hope that happens." Jeanne was grinning at me.


The restaurant was crowded, but there was an open table. That was fortunate. Having to stand in line for a table was a common occurrence at this seafood cafe.


The hostess led us to our table. I noticed that the eyes of every man and most of the women in the restaurant were focused on Jeanne. I had to admit that I enjoyed it.


As soon as we were seated we ordered two glasses of pinot grigio and picked up our menus. By the time our wine arrived we'd both made our dinner selections. Hungry, we ordered right away. As we ordered I noticed that our server's eyes kept drifting to Jeanne's cleavage. I couldn't blame him, mine did too.


After he left I said, "Our server seems to be quit taken with you."


Smiling, Jeanne said; "He does seem to be fascinated by my breasts."


"Most of the men in the restaurant seem to share his fascination."


"Is it bothering you?"


"Actually, it isn't. In fact I have to admit that I'm finding it exciting."


"I was hoping that would be your reaction."


We smiled at each other for a moment and then I said; "So tell me about everything that's happening at home."


Jeanne spent the next fifteen minutes filling me in on the mundane details of her life and the girl's lives. I listened intently. It was exactly what I was eager to hear. I missed my family. When she was finished I told her about my trip. While I was doing that our dinners arrived.


We were both starving. For a few minutes we focused our attention on our food. Once we'd taken the edge off our appetites we slowed and began talking again. 


Jeanne set her fork down and said; "May I ask you a question?"


"Of course."


"The night you met that woman."


"Jennifer Rawlins."


"Yes, you said you met her in a bar. Tell me about the bar? Was it a pick up bar?"


Chuckling, I asked; "Are you looking for new places to find men?"


Jeanne smiled, "Maybe a little, but mostly I'm curious about the type of place you go to when you're not with me."


"It was the Cosmopolitan Lounge. It's downtown. It's a jazz piano bar. It's definitely not a pick up bar."


"When you get back will you take me there?" 


"I'd love to do that. Will you promise to wear an outfit like the one you're wearing right now?"


"Would you like that?"


"Yeah, I think I would."


"That makes me very happy." Jeanne grinned at me.


I grinned back at her.


After a moment she said; "So how did you end up in a conversation with the Rawlins woman?"


"Jeanne are you jealous?"


Jeanne considered that for a second and then she answered, "Maybe a little, but that's my problem. I understand that I don't have any right to be jealous."


"You also don't have any reason to be jealous."


After acknowledging my statement with a nod, Jeanne continued. "So how did you end up in a conversation with her?"


"We were both sitting at the bar. We just started talking."


"But it's not a pickup bar."


"Definitely not."


"You said that she's divorced and from what you told me about your conversation with her I gather that she's a sexually adventurous woman. If she doesn't go to pick up bars, how does she meet men?"


"She told me that when she wants to meet a man for sex she goes to Brady's Pub."


Jeanne laughed. "She's a back seat bunny."


"You don't have to be catty."


"I'm sorry Michael. I'm not being catty. I'm a backseat bunny too."


"Okay, so what is a back seat bunny?"


"Brady's Pub is a sports bar at the end of a suburban strip mall."


"I've never been there, but I know where it is."


"I doubt you know this. It has a reputation as a place where the married but cheating crowd get together."


"I wasn't aware of that."


"Of course you weren't. You never cheated on me.


I nodded.


"Brady's isn't your usual pick up bar. It's more of a quickie club."


"A quickie club?"


"Yes, it's a place where husbands out for an evening with the boys and wives out for an evening with the girls can get together for a little quick fun."


"I still don't understand."


"Okay, during the daytime Brady's is a sports bar, but after the dinner crowd leaves it turns into a dance club."


"I didn't know that."


"They don't advertise it. They move a few tables to create a dance floor and the big screen televisions stop showing sports events and start playing music videos. By that time people have already had a couple of drinks and done a little mingling. The dancing starts immediately and it quickly gets pretty daring. When you're dancing at Brady's there's only one rule. You have to keep your clothes on. Beyond that pretty much anything goes. There's a lot of groping and making out."


"Right on the dance floor, in front of everyone?"


"That's right, it gets pretty hot."


"So what's a back seat bunny."


"After you and your partner have gotten each other worked up on the dance floor you move to one of the back booths for a little making out, Once you're going hot and heavy you slip out to the guys car for a little more intense physical pleasure."


"You mean you go out to the guy's car to fuck."


"Some women do that, I don't."


"Why not?"


"Michael, I'm not a teenager. Fucking in the back seat of a car isn't much fun. If I'm going to let a guy fuck me we're going to do it in a bed."


I nodded. "Okay, I get it. So what do you do?"


"I let the guy play with my tits and pussy while I suck his cock."


"He doesn't do anything for you?"


"It's really easy to suck a guy's cock in a car. It's much harder for a guy to go down on a woman."


"Okay, but doesn't that leave you frustrated?"


"Michael, women don't need to cum every time they have sex. Sometimes a feeling of intimacy is all we want. At Brady's it's not intimacy, it's the excitement. The dirty dancing, making out with a stranger in a back booth and fondling and sucking a new cock all make it an amazingly exciting experience. If I need to get off I can do it with my vibrator when I get home."


"You masturbate?"


"Of course I do. I assume that you do too. Don't you do it while you're watching the Julia Ann movies?"


Feeling slightly ashamed, I said; "Yes."


"Of course you do and so do I. I do it all the time. I did it front of you for a few seconds when I first got to the motel. We'd be crazy not to do it. It's free, it feels great and it doesn't hurt anything or anyone. I'd be shocked if you told me you didn't masturbate."

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Awakenings Ch. 06


"I really am getting to like the new Jeanne." I was grinning.


Jeanne stared at me for a moment and then she asked, "Even the Jeanne who has sex with other men?"


Understanding the seriousness of her question, I carefully considered my answer. Finally I said; "Right now I'm two thousand miles away from that situation. I paused and then I added, "Unless you're planning to try to meet a guy while you're here."


Still serious, Jeanne shook her head. "No, I came to see you and only you."


"Thank you."


Jeanne nodded.


Continuing, I said; "It's harder when it's happening if front of me. Being in the same house with you while you were getting ready for your date with Derek Fischer nearly destroyed me."


"I was a fool. I should have spent the two weeks prior to that date trying to suck and fuck you to death."


"That would have helped. I think this weekend will help."


"I'm hoping it will." Jeanne paused. after a moment she said; "That's not the only reason I'm here. You do know that, don't you? I'm also here because I love you and I desperately want to see you."


"Yeah, don't worry; I know that."


Jeanne reached across the table and placed her hand on top of mine.


Suddenly hurt, I looked at her and pulled my hand away. "You did that with Fischer." 


Jeanne closed her eyes and sighed. "Yes I did and for the rest of my life I will regret doing it. I promise you that I will never again hold another man's hand while were dining in a restaurant."


I nodded, but I wasn't mollified and my demeanor showed it.


"Would you like to hear why I think I did it? Remember, a few minutes ago I told you that I didn't even like Derek Fischer. He was a convenient fuck and that's all he was."


"Okay, tell me. Why did you do it?"


"Earlier this evening, while we were in the shower, I had an orgasm."


"I know."


"Before I changed, when I was still Jeanne the prude, I didn't have many orgasms. If fact they were rare."


I sighed.


"Michael that didn't have anything to do with you. You're a wonderful lover. It was me. Most of the times we made love I was too inhibited to have an orgasm. I couldn't relax and let go."




"But I did have a few orgasms. I had them on our most romantic evenings. Those were often the nights we had dinner at the Kennsington Grill. I came to the conclusion that a little romance helped me get off. Of course I stupidly missed the fact that it was my intense love for you that made the romance so wonderful and exciting."


I smiled at Jeanne.


She smiled back and then she continued. "Anyway, the night I went out with Derek I wanted to have an orgasm, so I foolishly tried to recreate the circumstances that had previously resulted in my cumming during sex. Michael, I asked Derek to take me to the Kennsington Grill and while we were there I did everything I could to make it a romantic experience. I now realize how stupid that was and I hope that I haven't ruined romantic evenings for us."


I reached across the table and laid my hand on top of Jeanne's. "No, you haven't ruined romantic evenings for us, but this is a good example of why we need to talk."


"Thank you Michael."


I winked at Jeanne.


She giggled.


I said, "I gather you now cum easily."


Jeanne nodded. "I do. I'm not inhibited anymore. Now it's easy for me to relax and enjoy sex." She paused for a moment and then she asked, "Does that upset you?"


I shook my head; "No not at all. In fact I want it to make me happy."




"Yes, I love you. Hearing about things that give you pleasure should make me happy. Charles told me that he eventually learned to enjoy Edith's affairs because they made her so happy. I'm trying to reach a point where I feel the same way about your liaisons."


"But you're not there yet."


"No, but I'm getting closer. This visit is helping. Talking is helping. Learning more about your new life is helping. Jeanne it's obvious that you're having fun. Being with you is fun. I have to admit that I like the new Jeanne."


"Would you like to hear a secret about my orgasms?"


"Yes, very much."


Jeanne leaned across the table and whispered, "When I'm with a guy in his car behind Brady's Pub; if he plays with my tits and my pussy while I'm sucking his cock, I almost always cum."


"It's that exciting."


"It really is. Michael, I love sucking cocks. They're so incredibly erotic."


"That's a real change for you."


"Oh yes." 


"Jeanne can I ask you a question?"


"Of course, you can ask me anything."


"Since I left, how many men have you slept with?"


"I haven't slept with any men. I told you, you're the only man I'll ever sleep with. But that's not what you're asking me, is it. You'd like to know how many men have fucked me."


I nodded.


"Counting Derek, nine."


I quickly did the math in my head. I"d been gone for three months. That's about thirteen or fourteen weeks. Looking at Jeanne, I said; "That's not very many."


Jeanne laughed. "That's not the reaction I was expecting."


"It less than one guy a week."


Jeanne said. "Okay. I understand. For the first month you were gone I didn't date at all. I just moped around the house. Michael, I was terrified that I'd lost you. Tricia and Jodie finally intervened and told me that I had to get on with my life. They explained that by leaving you were giving me an opportunity to experiment with this new lifestyle and you were giving yourself some time to try to understand it."


"Our girls are smart. That's exactly what I was doing."


Jeanne nodded and then she said; "Anyway, once I did start dating I brought a man home about once a week. Remember, I was trying to limit myself to one night stands. It takes some time to find a suitable partner. I may be a slut, but I'm not going to let a man fuck me unless I find him attractive and that includes an attractive personality."


"That makes sense."


"The guy also has to have some time. Remember I only date married men."


Nodding, I said; "I get it. Either his wife has to be out or he has to have a good excuse for coming home late."


"That's why Brady's is so much fun. It's quick and easy."


I laughed. "Your nine doesn't include the men at Brady's does it."


"They don't fuck me."


"How often do you go to Brady's?"


"Once or twice a week."


"So that's another eight to ten men."


"I think it's more like ten to twelve." Suddenly concerned about what she'd just admitted Jeanne looked at me and asked; "Is that okay."


"Are you having fun?"


"I really am."


"Then I'm going to try very hard to be happy for you."


"Michael, while I'm here could we find a secluded place to park. I'd like to give you a blow job in your car."


"We have a perfectly good motel room."


"I know, but I want you to experience everything I'm doing with other men."


"Okay, it will be fun. Do you want to do it on the way back to the motel tonight?"


"No this evening I have another agenda. Unless you've turned into a superstud, I'm assuming that you only have two more erections left in you. I don't want to waste them. As soon as we get back to the motel I want you to fuck my pussy. After you cum inside me I'm going to suck your cock until your hard again and then I want you to fuck my virgin ass."


Laughing, I said; "I like this plan, but do you think I could possibly have a chance to eat your pussy too?"


"Would you like to do that?"


"Very much."


Jeanne licked her lips and said, "Let's get our check."


On the way back to the motel Jeanne was quiet. Sensing that something was bothering her I said; "You're suddenly awfully quiet. Is something wrong?"


Jeanne looked at me and asked; "Michael do you think I've lost my mind?"


Realizing that it was a serious question, I took a moment to formulate my answer. Finally, I said; "I did at first. The night you went out with Derek Fischer I thought you'd gone totally bonkers."


Jeanne laughed.


I smiled and then I added, "I don't think that anymore. I don't believe you're bipolar. I don't think you're having a manic episode. You're explanation of how you arrived at your decision to adopt this new life style is too well thought out."


"I made some awful mistakes with you."


"You did, but you were trying to make a radical change in your life. It was an emotional situation. It think errors in judgment can easily occur in situations like that."


"Thank you Michael."

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Awakenings Ch. 06



I continued. "Maybe the real question is, do I think that what you're doing is wrong?"


Jeanne stared at me.


I said, "You're now choosing to live a life that goes against the basic moral conventions of our culture. We've discussed that and it's clear that you've thought about those moral codes and rejected them. I have to admit that your arguments make some sense. Ultimately I have to evaluate what you're doing using my own fundamental moral code. Are you hurting anybody? I don't believe you are, so it's difficult for me to say that what you're doing is wrong."


"I've hurt you."


"I'm not so sure you have. You've upset me and it is possible that you've damaged our relationship, but that will only be the case if I decide that I can't live with a woman who has your moral code. That's my problem, not yours. As long as you're not hurting anyone you get to live the life that makes you happy.




"Just a moment. Have you really hurt me? I don't think you have. Have you stopped loving me?"


"No, of course I haven't"


"I know that. You've made it clear that for you sex can now be a purely recreational activity."


"That's true."


"If you'd taken up golf, should I be upset if you play golf a couple of times a week with other men? As long as you continue playing golf with me on a regular basis, I don't think I should be"


Jeanne laughed. "I'll always want to play lots of golf with you."


"I believe that so in my mind there are two real issues that concern us. Can I handle being married to a woman with your moral code? And is there still a place for me in your new life?"


We were both silent. Finally Jeanne picked up my hand and said; "I'll always love you."


I squeezed her hand and said; "And I'll always love you."


"Even if you decide that you can't continue living with me?"


"Yes I will. If you eventually decide that there isn't a place for a husband in your new life, will you still love me."


"Yes, I will; but I don't think I'll ever make that decision."


"I'm not as confident about that as you are and that's why we need time to figure all of this out."


"I want to try Michael, I really do."


"I do too Jeanne."


"I'm willing to compromise."


"So am I, but let's not worry about that until we decide it's necessary."




I pulled up to our motel room door and parked. 


Grinning at me, Jeanne asked, "Are you ready for some hot sex?"


"Damn right."


She opened her door, hopped out of the car and ran to the motel room. I followed her.


As soon as we were inside the room Jeanne threw her arms around my shoulders and started madly kissing me. As she kissed me, she said; "Michael Nolan, I'll never stop loving you."


I kissed her back and said, "I'll never stop loving you either Jeanne Nolan."


For a moment we passionately kissed, both of us desperately trying to express the depth of our love for each other.


Finally Jeanne broke off the kiss, stepped back and started undressing. "Michael take off your clothes."


Keeping my eyes focused on Jeanne, I tore my shirt off.


Jeanne pulled her blouse over her head and took it off. After laying it on the bed she turned to me and held up her large breasts. "Look at my tits Michael, do you like them?"


I laughed. "I love them."


"When we're both naked you can suck on them. Would you like to do that?"


Grinning I unbuckled my belt and pushed my trousers to the floor. My erection was making a tent in the front of my boxer shorts."


Giggling, Jeanne said; "Your little soldier appears to like my tits. Do you think he'd like to kiss them? Would you like to rub your cock all over my big tits?"


As I stepped out of my trousers I smiled. I was definitely getting to like the new Jeanne. I tossed my pants on the bed and pulled my boxer shorts down. 


While I was doing that Jeanne unfastened her high heeled sandals and removed them. Then she turned around and stuck our her rear. As she wiggled out of her slacks she said; "I love wearing tight pants. They show off my ass. Michael, do you like my ass?"


"Your ass is gorgeous. I love it."


Jeanne stepped out of her slacks. After tossing them on the bed she turned around and stared into my eyes. Licking her lips, she slowly pushed her thong panties down her thighs. I stared at her shaved pussy.


She giggled. "You like my shaved pussy, don't you."


I nodded.


"Wanna lick it?"


I nodded again.


Jeanne took off her panties and then she picked up all of our clothes. As she carefully laid them across the top of the dresser she said; "Pull down the bed covers, we need a place to play."


Jeanne waited while I pulled the bed spread and blanket down and then she hopped onto the bed, plumped up the pillows and lay back with her legs spread wide. As I stared at her already moist pussy she said; "Still wanna eat me?"


I said; "Very much." And then I quickly added. "Getting used to the new Jeanne is going to be fun, but at times it's also a little startling."


"I have to work at it too. It's not easy to shed old inhibitions." Jeanne laughed. "Sometimes I shock myself." She paused. After a moment, she added. "Michael, I don't want to be an old prude anymore."


"I don't want that either. I'm enjoying the new Jeanne. I just want you to know that there are times when you surprise me. I spent a lot of years living with the old Jeanne."


"I'm glad you like the new Jeanne. I like her too."


"And that's what matters the most. Jeanne, you have to be true to yourself."


"I'm relieved to hear you say that Michael." We smiled at each other for a moment and then Jeanne said; "So back to my question. Do you still want to eat me."


"Very much."


Jeanne wiggled her finger at me. "Come here big boy. It's time for your dessert and after you finish yours I'm going to have mine."


During the twenty-seven years we'd been married Jeanne had occasionally allowed me to go down on her, but she'd always been reluctant. Squeamish might be a better term to describe her feelings about it. Now she was clearly excited by the idea and her excitement fed my excitement.


I eagerly crawled between her parted thighs, placed my hands on her hips and gently pulled her to me. As I kissed her moist lips I felt Jeanne shudder.


I kissed her again. Jeanne whispered, "Michael, that feels so nice."


I gave her a long passionate kiss. Jeanne sighed.


I extended my tongue and explored her wet cunt. I tasted her. I felt her moisture on my lips.


Above me Jeanne whispered, "Yes, that's what I want. Lick me, lick my cunt."


Jeanne's brazen words inflamed my ardor. Burying my face in her sopping pussy, I licked her and kissed her with a fervor that I'd never before experienced.


"Michael, that feels magnificent." And then, breathless with excitement, Jeanne said; "Find my clit. I want you to lick my clit. Will you do that? Will you please lick my clit." She was pleading with me.


I found her clit. It wasn't difficult. It was now proudly pushing out from the hood of skin that normally cloaked it. I kissed it. Jeanne giggled with delight. I kissed it again and then I flicked it with my tongue.


Jeanne cried; "Yes, that's right. Lick it, like my clit."


I licked and flicked Jeanne's clit. While I was doing that I remembered something I'd seen in a Julia Ann movie. I slipped a finger into Jeanne's sopping pussy."


Gasping, Jeanne said; "Oh my god, that's amazing. Do it. Finger fuck my cunt while you lick my clit."


I did. We were both quickly swept up in a frenzy of unbridled lust. Suddenly I felt Jeanne's muscles tense. She froze and then she arched her back and screamed. I pulled back and waited while the waves of pleasure ravaged her body. 


Gradually Jeanne's orgasm subsided and then she was calm. I crawled up next to her and gently kissed her cheek. She rolled over so that she was facing me. I kissed her again. 


Jeanne smiled and said; "Thank you, that was wonderful."


"I enjoyed it too."


We lay together quietly. After a moment Jeanne sat up and said; "Now it's your turn." She once again plumped up the pillows. As I lay back on them Jeanne scooted down the bed, slipped between my legs and picked up my erect cock. "I'm going to try to keep you from cumming. When you cum I want you in my cunt."


I nodded.


Jeanne licked the entire length of my cock and then she slipped it into her mouth and sucked it. While she sucked it I felt her fingers massaging my balls. The sensations she was creating were unbelievable. My excitement grew quickly. 


Just as I began to fear that I might not be able to control myself, Jeanne took my cock out of her mouth. While she gently held it with one hand I felt her slip farther down between my legs and suck one of my balls into her mouth. This was what I'd seen her doing with Derek Fischer that Saturday morning. 


For a moment I felt pangs of anger and Jealousy, but then I remembered Jeanne's heartfelt apologies and sincere attempts to explain what had happened. I now understood that she hadn't meant to hurt me. She'd been trying to muddle through a difficult period of growth and change. She'd made mistakes. 


While her changes had been difficult, the result was a new Jeanne and I knew without any doubt that this new Jeanne was a wonderfully exciting person. I relaxed, closed my eyes and enjoyed the sensations she was creating as she kissed and licked my balls. 


Suddenly Jeanne let go of my cock and got up on her knees. As she straddled my hips she grinned at me and said; "I'll suck you some more later. Right now it's time to fuck. Do you mind if I start out on top?"


Grinning back at her, I said; "Not at all." 


As Jeanne lowered herself on to my erection she said, "In this position you can play with my tits while we fuck."


The new Jeanne really was wonderful.


For several minutes we fucked. Having Jeanne on top of me riding my cock was a new experience. It was amazing. It was wonderful. It was something I'd only dreamed of doing with her. Now we were actually doing it.


I was excited, wildly excited. I closed my eyes and tried to focus my attention. I had to do it. If I didn't I was afraid that I might cum prematurely. I didn't want that to happen. Jeanne now had other lovers, men she could compare me to.


We kept fucking; but now I was anxious and fearful. I was terrified that I might fail. I was afraid that Jeanne might decide that I wasn't as good as her other men.


I felt my erection softening. I panicked. And then it happened. My penis wilted and slipped out of Jeanne.


Surprised, Jeanne stared down at me. "Michael what happened?"


I closed my eyes.


Sliding off of me, Jeanne whispered; "Baby, it's okay." Her tone was soft and soothing.


That made it even worse. I didn't want to be comforted. It made me feel like a little boy who couldn't compete with the big kids. Humiliated, I turned away from Jeanne.


For a moment there was silence and then Jeanne said; "Michael, please tell me what's wrong?"


I didn't respond. I was too embarrassed to speak.


Moving so that she was lying next to me, Jeanne pressed her soft body against my back, wrapped her arm around my chest and whispered; "I love you, I really do."


I knew she was telling me the truth, but I was still humiliated.


For several minutes I lay silent while Jeanne held me. Her undemanding touch comforted me. Gradually I regained some composure. Realizing that we had to talk about this, I took a moment to steel myself then I rolled over and said; "You have other men now. I'm sure that some of them are better than I am. They can last longer than I can. They can make you cum more than I can."

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Awakenings Ch. 06



Sighing, Jeanne said; "This is one of the penalties I have to pay for my stupidity." She sat up. "For the rest of my life I'll regret dropping this on you out of the blue. Before I started experimenting with other men I should have spent months making sure you knew that you were my favorite lover, my best lover, my perfect lover. Michael, the other men will never be able to compete with you."


"Are you trying to tell me that some of them don't have bigger cocks than I do? That some of them can't last longer than I can?"


"No that would be a lie. Some of them do have cocks that are bigger than yours; some of them can last longer than you can and yes, almost all of them make me cum."


Jeanne paused. After a moment she said; "But none of them fulfill me like you do. Michael, I love you. You're my soul mate. The other men are fun, but that's all they are and that's all they'll ever be. They're cheap thrills, carnival rides. Yes it's true, I do enjoy them; but I also enjoy roller coasters and scary movies. Michael, I know this will be hard for you to understand; but you're not competing with these other men. You've already won that contest. You have me, I love you. You own my heart and my soul. Other men occasionally get to enjoy my body, but that's all they get and that's all they'll ever get."




"Michael I now realize that I made a serious mistake. I was stupid. I was eager to experiment, but I forgot that I needed to experiment with you first. For years you were saddled with a sex partner who was an uptight prude. Suddenly all of my inhibitions are gone and I'm doing things with you that you'd only been able to fantasize about in the past. You're excited. Of course you're going to cum quickly."


Jeanne thought for a moment and then she said; "There are going to be men who have bigger cocks than you do and some of them are going to be better at fucking than you are, but that doesn't mean you won't always be my favorite sex partner. If I started playing golf I'd probably meet some men who are better golfers than you are and while occasionally playing with them would be fun, you would always be my favorite golf partner. I love you."


"Jeanne I know I should believe you. I want to believe you. Actually, I think I do believe you. The fact that you're here says a lot. Still, this is difficult."


"I know it is Michael. I'm sorry I'm putting you through it. I wish I'd done a better job of preparing you for it."


Shrugging I said; "That's in the past and there isn't anything we can do to change it. Right now you are doing a good job of making me feel loved and important to you."


"You are loved and important to me. No man will ever be more important to me."


"I'm beginning to believe that, but I still worry that whenever we make love you'll be comparing me to the other men."


Jeanne thought for a moment and then she said; "I suppose I will be. It would be hard to avoid doing that. That doesn't mean that you won't always be my favorite sex partner."


"Because you love me."


"That's right and that adds so much excitement to our sex. Please believe me Michael, sex with you will always be better than sex with any other man."


"So why are you doing this?"


"You mean the other men."




"Michael, you like ice cream."


Immediately realizing where Jeanne was going I laughed and said; "Yes I do and while chocolate chip will always be my favorite flavor I do occasionally enjoy other flavors."


"But you always go back to chocolate chip, don't you."


"Yes I do."


"Baby you're my chocolate chip."


I grinned at Jeanne. She kissed me. I kissed her back. 


She whispered, "I love you so much."


I whispered back, "I love you too."


"Michael promise me that while you're gone you'll keep loving me."


"I will. Will you promise that You'll keep loving me?"


"Of course I will."


"I'm sorry I have to be gone. It's something that I have to do."


Michael I understand what you're doing and why you're doing it. While I don't like it, I have to admit that I agree with it. I foolishly started this journey without you and because I did that you now need time to come to terms with the changes I made in our lives. You used to have unwavering trust in me. I shook that trust. Now we need time to rebuild it."


"This weekend is helping."


"I was hoping it would. Do you think we could have some more weekends like this?"


"I'd like that."


We smiled at each other. 


After a moment I asked, "So how do I compare to the other men."




"What? Am I so bad that you're afraid to tell me?"


"Didn't you hear anything that I just said to you?"


"Yes, you told me that you love me and because you love me you'll always enjoy sex with me. That doesn't leave me feeling very confident. Jeanne you have to understand that ever since that evening you announced that you were going to start dating other men I've had a nagging fear that it was my inadequacy as a sex partner that drove you to take that action."


"Michael you know that isn't true."


"Do I? Since that evening what have you said or done that would make be believe it wasn't true? What I heard you say to Derrick Fischer that Saturday morning certainly didn't boost my confidence."


"What did I say?"


"Don't you remember?"


"No, I don't. That was a horrible morning. I've tried to forget it."


"I think about it all the time. I wish I could forget it, but I can't."


Jeanne quietly asked, "What did you hear me say?"


"I heard Fischer first. He said, Damn Jeanne, you really do love to suck my cock, don't you."


"What did I say to him?"


"You said, I do. I think that surprises me even more than it does you; but it is true. I do love to suck your cock. It's both beautiful and beguiling. I was taught to believe that cocks were dirty and nasty. That's a lie. Cocks are wonderful. Your cock is wonderful. I love your cock. I love to suck your cock."


"I said, your cock; your cock is wonderful."


"That's exactly what you said."


"I'm not questioning your memory. I'm sure that is what I said. That was certainly how I was feeling at that moment." Jeanne slowly shook her head. "Michael I'm so sorry. Hearing me say those words to another man must have been terribly painful for you. Especially since I was always so inhibited with you."




"You do understand that there is more than one way to interpret those words."


"Yes, I understand that."


"I've never given you any explanation, so I can't blame you for assuming the worst."


"I've never given you an opportunity to explain what you said."


I wasn't trying to tell Derrick that I loved his cock more than yours."


"That is one way to interpret those words."


"Yes it is, but that wasn't what I was trying to say."


"What were you trying to say?"


"For my entire life I've been an uptight prude. I was taught that cocks were dirty and nasty. I was also taught that any girl who sucked a cock was dirty and nasty." Jeanne looked at me. "I did give you blow jobs on special occasions."


"Yes you did, but you were never eager about it. It was obvious that you never enjoyed doing it.


"I'm sorry, you're right. I didn't enjoy doing it. I was too inhibited to enjoy doing it. The morning after I gave you a blow job I was always so ashamed about what I'd done that I was afraid to face you."


"I didn't know that."


"The girls finally convinced me that cocks weren't dirty and nasty. They made me understand that if a man bathes regularly his cock is going to be just as clean as any other part of his body." 


Sighing, Jeanne added; "You should have been the recipient of my first enthusiastic blow jobs. You weren't and I'm horribly ashamed about that. Why did I do it for another man first? I think your friend provided a pretty good explanation for that."


"You're talking about Jennifer Rawlins."




Smiling, I said; "It was difficult for you to admit to me that you'd turned into a cock hungry slut."


Jeanne laughed. "Yes Michael, it was."


"So you're telling me that even though you never enjoyed sucking my cock, when you told Fischer that you loved sucking him it wasn't meant as a reflection on me."


"Not at all, in fact I was planning to try to get you to let me give you a blow job when you came home that afternoon. I wanted it to be a very special one."


"I enjoyed the one you gave me when you got here this afternoon."


"I enjoyed giving it to you too. In a few minutes I'll give you another one, but first I have to answer the question you asked me earlier. I now understand why it's so important to you."


"You're talking about how I compare to the other men who have had sex with you."




"Please tell me the truth."


"Don't worry, I will."




"Earlier tonight I told you that since this started three months ago I've let nine men fuck me and I've given blow jobs to another twelve men."




"I quickly learned that you're a good lover. No, you're a very good lover."


"Jeanne please don't coddle me. I want to hear the truth."


"Michael, I am telling you the truth. You're a gentle and considerate sex partner. Several of the men I've been with weren't. While they were fucking me it was abundantly clear that all they cared about was their own pleasure. You've always tried to give me pleasure." Jeanne smiled. "I was always such a prude that I don't think that was very easy for you."


"Even when you were a prude I enjoyed sex with you and you're right; I've always tried to please you."


"I know you did Michael and while that's one of the reasons you're a good lover, it's not the only reason."




"Michael, you're a graceful lover. Until I started dating other men I never realized how important that is."


"I don't understand."


"Sex and dancing are closely related. To be done well they both require rhythm and grace. Two of the guys who fucked me were awful. As soon as their cocks were inside me they started pumping in and out of me as hard and fast as they possibly could. That's fun at the end, but at the beginning guys have to be slow and gentle. They have to be dancers. Baby you're a dancer. Believe me, women appreciate that."


I nodded.


Jeanne continued. "One of the guys was big. He had to be at least eight inches. When he started ramming and jamming that monstrosity into me it actually hurt." 


"What did you do."


"I stopped him. Sex should feel good. It shouldn't be painful."


"Was he okay with that?"


"I gave him a blow job instead."


"And that made him happy?"

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Awakenings Ch. 06




"Oh yes."


Laughing, I said; "You do give an excellent blow job."


Jeanne grinned. "Thank you kind sir. I enjoy giving them. Would you like one?"


"Yes I would, but only as a preliminary. I'd like to finish what we started earlier."


"So would I." Jeanne got up on her knees. "Baby lie back and make yourself comfortable. I'm about to demonstrate one of the many advantages of having a slut wife."


"Jeanne, I still need to ask one more question."


"Okay" She sat down again.


"How do I compare to the other men as far as size? I'm afraid I'm not big enough to please you. You mentioned that one of the guys was eight inches. I'm no where near that big."


"I also told you that I made him stop fucking me because it hurt."


"Yes, but you did that because he was too aggressive."


Jeanne smiled at me for a moment and then she said; "Michael, I think cock size is a lot more important to men than it is to women. How a guy uses his cock is what really matters to us."


"So you're telling me that I'm small."


"Damn it Michael, that's not what I'm telling you. I'm trying to get you to understand that for women cock size isn't really all that important. There are a few women who are size queens, but I think that's more like men who are fascinated by women with large breasts. Most women prefer an average sized cock. They're more comfortable. I also repeat what I said earlier. How a guy uses his cock is more important than its size."


"Jeanne everything you're telling me makes sense and I believe you, but you have to understand that what you're doing has shaken my confidence as a man. I'm terrified that I'm a tiny dicked wimp who can't satisfy his wife. That's why I lost my erection earlier."


"Baby, I'm so sorry that I did that to you. Please believe me when I tell you that you have never been an inadequate lover. You have always been a wonderful in bed. I was the one who was inadequate."


"Please tell me the truth. I have to know."


"Okay, in the past three months I've played with about twenty different cocks. Three of them were larger than yours. One was a couple of inches longer than your cock."


"That was the eight inch cock."


Jeanne nodded and then she continued. "Three or four of them were at least an inch shorter than yours."


"They were?"


"Yes and they were still fun."


Laughing, I said; "Okay, I get it."


"Baby, I think your cock is about average or maybe even a little larger than average. You're pretty thick, which is a lot more important than length."




"Yes, but you're a practical man. Let's get some real data. Turn on your computer."


Jeanne stood up, walked over to the dresser and opened her purse.


"What are you doing?"


Ignoring my question, Jeanne said; "Turn on your computer."




I got up, walked over to the desk and switched on my computer. As the computer was booting up Jeanne joined me. I noticed that she was holding the small cloth tape measure that she always carried in her purse. 


I smiled. "Are you going to measure me?"


"Damn right I am. It's the only way you'll know for sure."




"Sit down in the chair."




"Don't argue, just do it."


Laughing, I said; "All right." I sat down in the desk chair.


After setting the tape measure on the desk Jeanne kneeled between my legs and picked up my stiffening cock. Holding it with both of her hands, she said; "I want you really hard for this."


Realizing what she was doing, I nodded.


Jeanne slipped my cock into her mouth and started sucking me. Once again it was wonderful. After about a minute of pure ecstasy Jeanne sat back and looked up at me. "That got you nice and hard, didn't it?"


"Yes it did." We were both grinning.


Picking up her tape measure, Jeanne said; "Now sit still."


I watched as she carefully measured the length of my erect penis. After a moment she looked up at me and said; "Six and one quarter inches."


I nodded.


Jeanne then used the cloth tape to measure the circumference of my cock. When she was finished she stood up and said. "Four and three quarter inches."


She set her tape back on the desk and said, "Now I want you to Google, The average length of an adult male penis."


"Do you really think we'll find something?"


"Sweetie, this is the Internet. These days you can find anything."


"Yeah, okay."


"I'll also bet that this is a popular search."


Chuckling, I said; "You're probably right." I typed in the search. We got ten pages of results.


Jeanne said, "Isn't the Internet wonderful?" We both laughed.


I opened one of the web sites. We started reading. We learned that early studies had reported the average length of a penis as about six and a half inches. Researchers had recently decided that those figures were skewed because the men were allowed to do their own measuring and they had a tendency to round their results upward.


Current studies based on more accurate data reported an average penis length of about five and one half inches and an average circumference of about four and a quarter inches.


As we were reading Jeanne started giggling.


I looked at her and asked, "What's so funny?"


Still giggling, Jeanne said; "I want to get a job as a penis measurer." We both burst out laughing.


We looked at four other web sites. They all reported the same information. The web sites all also stated that penis size was a much bigger issue for men than it was for women.


As I shut my computer off Jeanne said, "So, you're cock is just a little larger than average. I happen to think that it's the perfect size. Do you believe me now?"


Smiling, I said; "Yes I do.'


"Wanna start fucking again?"


"Yes please."


"Would you be willing to give me a little warm up with your tongue first?"


"I'd love to do that."


Jeanne hopped on to the bed and spread her legs. "Come on sailor, let's have some fun."


I lay down between my wife's legs. As I kissed her already sopping pussy I once again realized that despite all the insecurity her new life style had created for me I had to admit that really did like the new Jeanne.


As I kissed and licked my wife's cunt she became increasingly wet and slippery. I smiled. It really was fun being married to a woman who loved sex. In the past the old Jeanne had occasionally allowed me to go down on her. It was rare, but it did happen. Usually it was after a romantic dinner that included several cocktails and a bottle of wine. Even then, even after her inhibitions had been eased by alcohol she still rarely produced much natural moisture. Now Jeanne gushed like a trollop and I loved it. 


I buried my face in Jeanne's cunt and reveled in her wetness. I tried to coat my my lips, my nose, my cheeks and my chin with it. Above me Jeanne started giggling. That excited me even more. She was actually enjoying what I was doing.


I pushed my tongue into her opening. She was still stretched and loose from our previous coupling. I fucked her with my tongue. Still giggling, Jeanne began gyrating her hips. My already rampant excitement mushroomed. I started licking the full length of her cunt.


Above me Jeanne snickered and said, "Michael you nasty devil. I love this."


That excited me even more. I found her clit, sucked it into my mouth and began flicking it with my tongue. At the same time I pushed a finger into her and started fucking her with it.


Jeanne screamed "Michael, that feels fucking amazing." Madly gyrating her hips she grabbed my head and held my face tightly against her clit. I kept sucking it and flicking it with my tongue while I finger fucked her at the same time.


Suddenly I felt her muscles tense and then still holding my face pressed to her engorged clit she screamed and started to shake. Her hands tightened their grip on my head. For a moment I feared that she might crush me, but then her iron grip eased. Several seconds passed. Finally Jeanne let go of my head and melted into the bed.


I pulled myself up so that I was lying next to her and gently stroked her hair. After moment she smiled at me and then she started to giggle. 


I said, "what?"


Jeanne grinned at me. "Michael, you don't ever have to worry about being an inadequate lover. Baby that was magnificent."


I beamed with pride.


Jeanne popped up. "Come on, lie back. I want to keep going."


Still grinning, I said; "Okay." I lay back on the pillows.


Jeanne moved down the bed. My cock was sticking straight up. Resting her arm on my stomach, she wrapped the fingers of her other hand around my stiff shaft and began slowly stroking it. At the same time she said; "Michael, you have a beautiful cock. I'm madly in love with it. It will always be my favorite." Leaning forward, she kissed it and then she parted her lips, took the head into her mouth and started sucking me.


"Jeanne that feels wonderful"


She stopped, sat up and grinned at me. "Do you like that?"


"Very much."


"When you come home I'll do it for you every day for the rest of our lives."


"Even when we're old and wrinkly?" I was grinning at her.


"Even when we're old and wrinkly."


We both laughed and then Jeanne put my cock back into her mouth and started sucking me in earnest. It was wonderful. The new Jeanne knew how to give a great blow job. I smiled. Twelve guys in the parking lot at Brady's Saloon. She'd definitely been practicing. And then I realized something. It didn't bother me. I wasn't jealous. All she was doing was having fun and I had to admit that this really was fun.


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Awakenings Ch. 06



I closed my eyes and imagined Jeanne and a strange man together in the back seat of his car. It would be a luxury sedan, maybe a Mercedes Benz or a Lexus. They were making out. Jeanne's blouse was unbuttoned and her brassiere was unfastened. The man was fondling her @@@@@@@ breasts.


Jeanne unbuckled the man's belt, pulled down his zipper, opened his suit pants and took out his cock. He was hard. She leaned down, slipped it into into her mouth and started sucking him just like she was sucking me.


Suddenly I heard Jeanne giggling and then I realized that she'd stopped sucking my cock. I opened my eyes. 


She was looking at me. "Michael, what were you just thinking about? Baby I've never seen your cock this hard."


Feeling a little embarrassed, I said; "Nothing, I was just enjoying what you were..." I stopped myself in mid sentence. I was expecting Jeanne to tell me the truth. She had every right to expect the same honesty from me.


Still a little embarrassed about admitting what I'd really been thinking, I quietly said; "I was imagining you giving a guy a blow job in the back seat of his car in the parking lot behind Brady's Saloon."


Jeanne stared at me. After a moment she asked; "And that got you excited?"


Suddenly overwhelmed with shame I shrugged and looked away.


Quickly grasping the stress this admission was causing me, Jeanne said; "Baby, I'm not judging you or criticizing you. I'm really not. In fact I think it's unbelievably hot and kinky. I love it."


Jeanne was still holding my cock, but the nervous tension I'd just felt was causing me to lose my erection. Realizing it, Jeanne bent over and sucked me again. Relieved by her reaction I relaxed. My cock stiffened immediately.


As soon as I was hard again Jeanne pulled herself up and straddled my hips. Grinning at me she said; "Wanna tell me about it while we fuck?"


Laughing, I answered; "Isn't that kind of kinky?"


With a glint in her eyes, Jeanne said, "Damn right big boy." And then she lowered herself onto my cock. She was so wet that I slipped right into her. When the old Jeanne and I had sex she usually had to use a commercial lubricant. The new Jeanne didn't need that.


As soon as I was all the way inside her Jeanne leaned forward and started rubbing my nipples with her fingertips. "Michael play with my tits while we fuck."


I reached up with both hands and began massaging Jeanne's large breasts.


She smiled and said; "I love it when a guy plays with my tits."


"You have beautiful tits. I'll bet they all enjoy playing with them."


"They do. Is that okay? Is it all right that I let other men play with my tits?"


Remembering my conversation with Charles Montgomery, I said; "You enjoy it. You just told me that."


"Yes I do."


"Then it's all right. I love you. I want you to enjoy yourself."


"Does it excite you Michael? Does it excite you when you think about other men playing with my tits?"


"It does right now."


"Because you're aroused."




Grinning at me, Jeanne said; "Then I guess I'll have to keep you perpetually aroused."


I laughed. "That could be fun."


"I think so too." 


Up to this point Jeanne had just been sitting on my cock. Now she started to rock back and forth. She moved slowly, rhythmically. I remembered her comment that sex and dancing were closely related. She was dancing with me. I liked it.


"Tell me what you were thinking about a moment ago. You know, while I was sucking your cock."


It seemed like I should have been embarrassed, but I wasn't. Jeanne had become so free and open about sex that I felt like I could reveal even my deepest and most secret fantasies to her.


I was also incredibly aroused. My gorgeous wife of twenty-seven years had just sucked my cock. Now she was on top of me; slowly fucking me while she played with my nipples and I fondled her big beautiful breasts. At that moment talking about a kinky fantasy seemed like one more tantalizing spice.


Still, it was a little scary. I was the product of years of social conditioning. A proper husband wasn't supposed to get excited when he imagined his wife sucking another man's cock. 


I immediately understood. This was exactly what Jeanne was trying to explain to me. Just because people tell you something is wrong doesn't make it wrong. As long as no one is getting hurt, we all have the right and even the obligation to live by our own moral code. When Jeanne sucked a guy off in the parking lot behind Brady's Saloon she wasn't hurting anybody and when I got excited imagining her doing it I wasn't hurting anyone either. 


I'm a voyeur. I've known that for years. I love watching adult movies. A lot of other people do too. The adult film industry is huge. This was just another form of voyeurism.


Suddenly I was not only willing to tell Jeanne what I'd been imagining, I wanted to tell her. Grinning and excited I said; "I was imagining you were with a man you'd just met in Brady's Saloon. The two of you were in the back seat of his car."


Still slowly rocking back and forth on my cock, Jeanne said, "It was parked in a dark corner of the parking lot, a place where no one would see us."


"It was a big sedan."


"It was a Buick, a large black Buick with a spacious back seat. What did the man look like?"


"He was a little younger than me, maybe forty or forty-one."


"Was he handsome?"


"Very, he was tall and fit too. It was easy to see why you were attracted to him."


"I was. The moment I saw him in the bar I knew I wanted him. Tell me what we were doing in the back seat of his car."


"You were making out with him."


"Yes I was. I love making out with guys."


"Your blouse was unbuttoned and your brassiere was unfastened."


"Was he playing with my tits?"




"What was I doing?"


"You were unbuckling his belt and unzipping his pants."


"I was eager to see his cock."


"Did he have a big cock?"


"Not really. It wasn't as big as yours, but it was still nice."


"How did you know that?"


"Before we left for the parking lot we made out in one of the back booths in the bar. I played with it while we made out."


"Tell me why you were eager to see his cock."


"I love cocks. I love looking at them, I love playing with them, I love sucking them and I love getting fucked by them. I'm a slut Michael, you're married to a slut. Is that okay? I hope it is because I love being a slut."


"And it doesn't hurt anybody else."


"Not even you? Does it hurt you Michael?"


"Sometimes, not as much as it did at first. Now I'm starting to enjoy it."


"I'm glad. I want you to enjoy it. I want us to be able to enjoy it together."


"I'm a voyeur Jeanne. I always have been."


"I know. You've always liked dirty movies. That used to bother me when I was a prude. It doesn't anymore. Now I'm glad you like them. Now I want you to watch them. I want you to watch them and imagine that I'm the woman in the movie."


"And you're sucking another man's cock."


"Yes, I'm sucking another man's cock."


During this exchange Jeanne had gradually been increasing the tempo of her movement. Now she was rocking back and forth on my cock with relentless abandon. I let go of her breasts, slid my hands down to her rear and started bucking my hips in time with her rocking.


Jeanne cried; "Yes Michael, that's what I want. Fuck me! Fuck me hard!


She let go of my nipples and started massaging her clit with the fingers of both of her hands. We forgot about fantasies and talking and concentrated all of our attention on fucking. 


I felt the familiar warm glow building in my loins. 


Suddenly Jeanne's body stiffened and then she arched her back and cried, "I'm cumming!"


As her body started to shake the first spurt of my semen erupted into Jeanne's cunt. We were both consumed by a storm of orgasmic ecstasy. The storm raged for several seconds before it began to abate. Gradually we both relaxed.


Leaning forward Jeanne placed a hand on each side of my shoulders to support herself and then she looked down at me and smiled. I grinned up at her. She giggled and said; "That was wonderful."


I nodded. "It really was." 


"I love you Michael."


"I love you too Jeanne."


Jeanne lowered herself to my chest. She sighed as my softening cock slipped out of her cunt. I wrapped my arms around her and held her tightly to me.


She whispered, "I could spend the rest of my life right here in your arms."


I smiled. "That would be okay with me."


We held each other for several minutes. Finally Jeanne rolled off of me and said; "That was wonderful. I'm pretty sure that was the first time you and I ever orgasmed at the same time."


"I believe you're right."


"It was fun."


"Yes it was. Have you ever had a simultaneous orgasm with one of your other men?"


Jeanne was silent. After a moment she said; "Yes, I suppose that is a fair question. From now on I'll have to be careful about how I phrase statements like that. No Michael, I haven't. You're the only person I've ever orgasmed with simultaneously."


"It would have been okay if it had already happened with another man. It's going to happen. It's inevitable."


"Yes, I suppose it is. I cum a lot easier now than I used to."


"Yes you do."


"Is that okay? Does it bother you that I cum when I'm with other men?"


"No, not at all. In fact I'm glad you do. I love you, I want you to enjoy yourself."


"That's the second time you've said that tonight. It's an interesting position to take."


"Why? I do love you. I should want you to be happy."


"Yes and while I am grateful that you feel that way, I don't think it's the position that most husbands would take."


"Most women your age don't suddenly decide to become sluts." I paused and then I quickly said, "Was it okay that I said that? I wasn't trying to be demeaning."


"It was fine. I know you weren't trying to be demeaning. I like the term. It makes me feel free. The people who view it as a pejorative are the same ugly judgmental people who preach the puritan dogma that kept me inhibited for most of my life."


Chuckling, I said; "My wife is a slut and I'm starting to like it."




"Yeah, I think I am. It certainly has its benefits."


"What do you mean?"


"Jeanne, I just had the best sex of my entire life. I never even imagined that it could be that good."


"It was fun, wasn't it."


"Yes it was and so what if you occasionally go out with another man. As long as you keep me well satisfied it really doesn't hurt me. Actually I'm finding that it compliments my voyeurism."


"Baby, I will keep you well satisfied. I promise." Jeanne giggled. "It will be a labor of love. I also promise to always tell you about my dates when I get home. That way you can enjoy them too."


"I'd like that."


Jeanne was quiet. After a moment she said; "Michael?"




"Since you seem to be adapting to all of this so well do you think that maybe you might be able to come home a little earlier than you planned?"


I shook my head. "I'm sorry Jeanne, I'd like to do that, I really would; but I can't risk it."


"Why not?"


"I need time to get used to all of this. It's much easier to accept your dating when I'm two thousand miles away. Jeanne that evening you went out with Derek Fischer was the worst night of my life. Seeing you with your hair done, all made up and wearing a new dress and knowing it was for another man was unbelievably painful. Watching him kiss you on our front lawn was awful and then hearing that he'd taken you to the Kennsington Grill and you held his hand during dinner was unbearable."


"Michael I'm so sorry I did those things. I was a thoughtless bitch. I'd give anything to be able to go back and change all of it."


"Jeanne I wasn't trying to drag all of that up again. We've discussed what happened that night. You apologized and made an effort to explain how it happened. I've accepted your apology and understand what happened. I only brought it up so that you can understand why I can't come home right away."


"But Michael I won't make those same mistakes again. I promise."


"Jeanne they really weren't mistakes."


"What do you mean?"


"Don't you enjoy getting dressed up for a date? Isn't that part of the fun. Earlier you told me that you love making out with guys. When you bring a guy home so you can entertain him in your play room won't you want to kiss him in our living room or maybe hold his hand?


"On the evenings I have dates I could get ready at Tricia's apartment. I'm sure she wouldn't mind. I wouldn't have to bring my dates home. We could go to a motel. You wouldn't see me until I came home. That could work, couldn't it?"


"I thought about something like that, only I was the one who would leave. I could stay at a motel while you prepared for your date and then entertained him at home. I almost had myself convinced that it would work, but it wouldn't."


"Why not?"


"It makes dating inconvenient for you. Even if I'm the one who leaves. I know you. You're a considerate person. Every time I have to leave you'll feel guilty that your inconveniencing me. Either way, whether you leave or I leave; I'm afraid you'll start to limit the number of times you go out with other men. Jeanne when I come home you still have to be able to freely live your new life as a slut and I have to be able to fully accept what you're doing. If you have to start limiting your behavior in order to appease me I think it's likely that you'll start resenting me. If that happens I fear that it will be the beginning of the end of our marriage."


Jeanne nodded.


I continued. "Before I can come home I have to reach a point where I can be comfortable watching television in the den while you entertain a man in your play room."


"Do you think you can reach that point?"


"Before this weekend I would have said probably not, but talking to you has helped. The wonderful sex is helping too."


"Michael I'm sorry. You should have been benefiting from my new attitude about sex long before I started dating."


"I know. We've discussed that too. I understand why that didn't happen and you're doing a good job of taking care of that now."


"I'm trying, I really am.


"Yes you are." 


Michael earlier tonight you told me that we can have more weekend get togethers like this one. Can we really do that."


"Of course we can. In fact I think they're essential. I also intend to create a new email address for your use only and before you go home I'll give you my cell phone number. I now realize that we need to talk regularly."


"Thank you, not being able to communicate directly with you was awful."


"I'm sorry I had to cut off communication with you. I needed some time to heal."


"I'm sorry I hurt you."


"That's over, now it's time to start rebuilding our life together."


"Michael I can't begin to tell you how much I want to do that."


"I know Jeanne, I want that too."


End of Awakenings Ch. 06


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  • 3 weeks later...

A very good story it actually had my stomach in knots feeling how Michael felt when Jeanne gave him that emotional kick to his heart. I would certainly want to see you continue this story line in all manner of ways. I'm sure everyone would make suggestions but I'd rather wait for you to see how the characters work their lives out, it felt real.

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Awakenings Ch. 07



Jeanne kissed me and then she said; "Baby I know it's late, but I'd still like to play a little more. Do you have any energy left?"


"I think I can get it up one more time, but I might need a little help from you and I definitely need a few more minutes to recuperate."


Jeanne reached down and gave my still limp penis a gentle squeeze. "I'd love to give you a hand and even a mouth. And Mr. Voyeur, while were waiting how about a Julia Ann movie. I've only seen pictures of her on the Internet. I'd love to see her in action."


"Really? You want to watch an adult movie with me? Are you turning into a voyeur too?"


"No I'm a die hard slut. I prefer participating, but I like to do things with my favorite man. He likes to watch, so occasionally I'm going to watch with him." Jeanne was grinning at me.


Smiling at her, I stood up, got my laptop computer from the desk and set it up the bed between us.


As I was opening a Julia Ann movie Jeanne said; "You've done this before."


I laughed. "You caught me."


"I masturbate too."


"You told me that. I'm still amazed."


"I'd be a fool if I didn't. It feels good and it's free."


"You certainly have changed."


"And I can't begin to describe how happy I am about that change."


"I'm pretty happy about it too."


We smiled at each other for a moment and then I started a movie. "Let's try this one."




We cuddled together and watched. Julia Ann was straddling a dark haired man who was probably in his late thirties or early forties. She was wearing an elegant black dress. They were making out.


"I like this movie because the man's a little older. In some of her movies they do that cougar thing with younger guys. Those aren't as appealing to me."


Jeanne smiled. "I don't think they're making those movies for you Michael."


"Probably not."


"I'm finding that I prefer men who are a little older."


"Have you dated some younger guys?"


"Two, they were both in their early twenties."


"How did you meet them?"


"I met one of them in a bar. I stopped after work for a cocktail with some of the other secretaries in the building. He was working as a student intern in one of the nearby law offices. Tricia lined me up with the other one. He's a friend of hers."


"You just said that you prefer older men. You must not have enjoyed them."


"They were the rammers and jammers I told you about."




"Young men get really hard and they recover quickly, but they lack patience."


"They get too excited."


Jeanne laughed. "That's a good way to put it."


We turned our attention back to the movie. The dark haired man had pulled Julia Ann's dress down and unfastened her brassiere. He was fondling her large breasts.


Jeanne said; "She's very pretty. Do you really think I look like her?"


"She could be your twin sister."


"Her hair is blonde, mine's brown."


"That's true."


"I was thinking about becoming a blonde. Would that be all right with you?"


"I think you'd look gorgeous as a blonde."


"The next time we have one of these weekends you'd better be prepared."


"I'll take that as a promise."


We turned our attention back to the movie. Julia Ann was sucking her costars cock.


Jeanne said, "She looks like she's really enjoying that."


"She's either enjoying it or she's an outstanding actress."


"I think she's enjoying it. I know I do. I love giving head." Moving closer, Jeanne nuzzled my ear and whispered; "I'd like to suck your cock right now. Would that be okay?"


"I'd like that very much."


Jeanne giggled. "I thought you might." She moved down so that she was crouching next to my hips and then she picked up my stiffening penis and slipped it into her mouth.


I lay back on the pillows watching Julia Ann suck her costars cock while Jeanne sucked my cock. I was in voyeur heaven. 


After a minute Jeanne took my cock out of her mouth, sat up and looked at me. "Michael I want you to imagine that it's me in the movie. I want you to imagine that you're watching me suck another man's cock. Will you do that?"


I was aroused and I really was a voyeur. The idea of watching Jeanne with another man had been lurking in the recesses of my mind for several weeks. Breathless with excitement I answered; "Yes, yes I will."


"Would you enjoy doing that? Would you like to watch me when I'm with another man?"


While I was excited, I was still an accountant. Caution prevailed. I answered, "Eventually I think I might. Right now fantasies are enough. I'm not sure I'm ready to see it for real."


"But maybe someday you will be. I think I'd like that. I think sometimes I'd like you to watch. You're a voyeur and I'm beginning to understand that I'm an exhibitionist."


"You enjoyed wearing those tight sexy clothes to dinner tonight. You loved knowing that all the men in the restaurant were watching you."


"I did, I really did. It's taken a while for me to get enough confidence to start doing it, but now I love wearing sexy clothes. I'm even wearing sexy clothes to work."


"How are those conservative attorneys you work for taking that?"


"So far they haven't said anything. I do notice them oogling me when they think I'm not watching them."


"You enjoy that, don't you."


"Michael I love it when men look at me. I love being a slut."


Jeanne leaned over. As she was about to put my cock back in her mouth we both noticed that it was starting to grow. She kissed it and said; "It looks like somebody's soldier is waking up again. Let's see if we can give it a little encouragement." She slipped my cock into her mouth and began sucking me in earnest.


The combination of the movie, Jeanne's naked breasts pressing against my thigh, our kinky conversation about watching her with another man and of course, her marvelously skilled blow job all combined to get me fully erect in less than a minute.


As soon as I was hard Jeanne looked up me and smiled. "It looks like you're ready for tonight's main event."


Laughing, I said; "I'm not sure I know what that means, but I'm definitely eager to find out."


"Michael dear, I told you earlier. Tonight you're going to fuck my ass."


"I remember you saying that, but I wasn't sure you were serious."


"Oh I am definitely serious. I really want to know what it feels like."


"Okay, what do we have to do? I've seen it in the movies. Sometimes they put in plugs to stretch you out a little."


Jeanne stood up, walked over to her purse, opened it and took out a small tube. I assumed it was lubricant. As she returned to the bed she said; "Tricia told me that as long as I liberally lube up my butt I'll be just fine."


"Tricia told you that? Is she into anal intercourse?"


"She loves it. Jodie's tried it too, but she's just so so about it. She doesn't mind it. She'll do it if a guy really wants to do it; but I don't think she'd ever initiate it. "


"But Tricia loves it." Laughing, I added; "Paul must be a pretty adventurous guy."


"In his own way, I guess that's true; but I'm fairly certain that Tricia has never let him do that with her."


"She hasn't? I don't understand. You just told me that Tricia loves anal sex. Paul is Tricia's fiancee."


"Michael I'm going to tell you something about Tricia and Paul, but you have to promise that you'll try to keep an open mind. Will you do that?"


"Of course."


"No Michael, I'm serious. I think this might be difficult for you. You have to promise."


"Okay, I promise."


"I told you before that Tricia has a boyfriend."


"Yes, Randy Parkman."


"She also dates other men."


"Yes, in fact you just told me that she's started dating older men."


"That's right. Michael, Randy Parkman and the other men Tricia dates are the men who get to fuck Tricia's rear, in fact they're the only men who get to fuck Tricia at all."


"You're telling me that Paul doesn't get to fuck Tricia, but other men do?"


"That's right."


"Then why is she planning to marry him?"


"She loves him."


"Jeanne, you're not making any sense."


"Michael, your oldest is a dominant. Do you know what that means?"


"I think so, you're telling me that Tricia is a dominatrix."


"Kind of, but I don't think she'd ever use that term. For Tricia being a dominant is more of a lifestyle choice. Michael, Paul is a submissive. Tricia loves Paul, but he's not so much her boyfriend as her slave."




"Yes and Tricia refers to herself as a superior."


"Isn't that a little arrogant?"


"It's only within the context of the game they play. There are several other couples all into the same fantasy. Randy Parkman and his wife are part of the game too, only in their case Randy is the dominant and his wife Carol is the submissive."


"But it's just a game."


"That's what they call it, but they're pretty serious about it. In many ways Paul really is Tricia's slave. He does all the household chores; the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, everything. He's not even allowed to work. His job is to take care of Tricia."


"And I gather that he doesn't get to have sex with Tricia."


"Not in the traditional way. He eats Tricia's pussy." Jeanne paused. After a moment she added, "And her ass." She watched me to see how I reacted to that.


I said, "Don't worry, I'm not shocked by that. Remember, I'm a dirty movie aficionado. That's pretty common in those movies."




"Yeah, if the person's clean it's really not that big a deal. In adult movies it's a frequent accompaniment to oral sex."


Jeanne laughed. "I thought I was more worldly than you, but I guess that's not completely true."


"I think you now have more practical experience than I do. Most of my knowledge was acquired vicariously."


"We can teach each other." 


"That would be fun."


"I have to admit that you took the news about your oldest daughters kinky lifestyle rather well."


I shrugged. "I assume they're happy."


"I think they are. They certainly seem happy."


"They're not hurting anybody. It's their life. They get to live it anyway they want."


"Michael Nolan you are a truly remarkable man."


"I'm trying Jeanne, I really am."


Jeanne smiled at me. I smiled back at her. She kept smiling.


After a moment I said. "What?"


Still smiling, she said; "You took a shower just before I got here, correct?"




"And I took one right after I got here and you joined me."




"So we're both clean, right?"


"Yeah, that's right."


"Wanna try it? I'll do you first."


Chuckling, I said; "Jeanne the prude is definitely gone."


"She certainly is. So do you?"


"Sure, why not."


"Lie back on the pillows. I'm going to start by sucking you."


"Just a moment." I picked up my computer. After I set it on the desk I got back on the bed and lay back with my head on the pillows. "Okay."


Jeanne positioned herself between my parted thighs. As she wrapped her fingers around the shaft of my erection she said; "You still have to fuck my butt tonight. If you feel like you're going to cum warn me so I can stop."


"I will." I quickly added, "At least I'll try."


"I'll try to be careful too."




Jeanne slipped my cock into her mouth, gave me a few quick sucks and moved down to my balls. I was certain that she was trying to make sure I didn't cum by accident.


She kept her fingers loosely wrapped around the shaft of my erect penis while she kissed and licked my balls. Afraid that I might cum, I focused all of my attention on maintaining control. I really wanted to avoid an accident.


Jeanne whispered, "Pull your hips up, it's time."


Both excited and anxious, I pulled my feet back and elevated my hips exposing my anus to Jeanne. She placed both hands under my butt cheeks and raised me even higher. I felt her tongue at the base of my ball sac. I held my breath. She moved lower. Her tongue was in the crack of my ass. She explored it. She found my anus. I felt her tongue circling it and then I realized that she was probing it. My wife of twenty-seven years, the woman who was too inhibited to suck my cock unless she'd been drinking, was licking my asshole.


It was a strange sensation. While it wasn't unpleasant, it wasn't particularly pleasurable either. I immediately grasped that this was a perceptual pleasure. There were nerve endings in the cock and the pussy that produced real physical gratification. The anus didn't have those nerve endings. The pleasure was derived from the participants perception of what was occurring. I was inclined to think that Trisha enjoyed it because she was a dominant. To her, receiving this pleasure was a validation of her position. I suspected that Paul enjoyed giving her this pleasure because it was an expression of his submission.


I was curious to hear Jeanne's reaction. My guess was that she was going to find both giving and receiving this pleasure exciting. At this point in her life she viewed herself as a libertine, a woman totally devoted to sexual gratification, a woman who was willing to try anything regardless of how daring or unconventional it might be.


I smiled to myself. Why not? Life can become awfully mundane. What's wrong with being daring and unconventional? Absolutely nothing. I relaxed and enjoyed the sensation of my wife's tongue in my ass.


After a moment Jeanne pulled away and moved back up next to me. She kissed me. I kissed her back. Knowing where her tongue had just been didn't bother me at all.


Jeanne asked, "Did you enjoy that?"


"I think so, let me do you and then let's talk about it."


"Okay." Jeanne rolled over and got up on her knees. "I think doing it like this will be easier."


As I positioned myself behind her I said, "I think you're right." 


I took a moment to slowly lick Jeanne's cunt. Breathless with excitement, she said; "Just doing that is wonderful. Michael right now I'm so excited. This is so slutty."


I smiled. I knew my Jeanne. I gave her cunt three more long slow licks and then I moved up to the crack of her ass. As I did that I brought my right hand to her sex and started gently massaging it with my fingertips.


Jeanne gasped. "Oh my god Michael."


My tongue explored the full length of Jeanne's ass, but I carefully avoided her anus.


Giggling, she said; "You're teasing me."


I found her engorged clit and rubbed it gently with my thumb. At the same time I started placing soft kisses in the crack of Jeanne's ass. Slowly, methodically my kisses moved closer to her asshole. I could feel the tension in Jeanne's body build as she anticipated what I was about to do.


Still rubbing Jeanne's clit with my thumb, I pressed my lips to her anus and gave her a deep kiss. She shuddered. I extended my tongue and circled her. She emitted a low moan. I pushed my tongue into her. Jeanne cried, "Oh my god Michael, that is so nasty. I love it."


I pushed my tongue even deeper into her. I was every bit as excited as Jeanne. She was enjoying this and I was discovering that I loved giving her this pleasure. Jeanne pressed her ass into my face. Still rubbing her clit with my thumb, I closed my eyes and made out with her asshole. 


Suddenly Jeanne arched her back and screamed. I kept my face buried in her ass while her entire body shook with pleasure. 


Gradually Jeanne's orgasm subsided. She collapsed on the bed. I moved up and lay next to her. After a moment she kissed me and said; "That really was fun."


"Yes it was."


"Which did you enjoy more? Doing it or receiving it."


"I think doing it."


Really? Tell me why."


"You got so excited while I was doing it. I'm discovering that I enjoy giving you pleasure."


"You rubbed my clit while you were doing it. I think that made a difference. I didn't play with your cock because I was afraid I'd make you cum. I still want you to fuck my butt before we go to sleep."


I understand and you were right. If you'd stroked me I'm pretty sure I would have cum."


"After we shower in the morning I'll give you a blow job. I'll do it as part of the blow job and make you cum."


"I'd like that."


"I like giving pleasure too."


"I know you do."


"That's why I like going to Brady's Pub so much."


"I know that."


"I suppose you do. You know me pretty well. Does it bother you? You know, because I like to give other men pleasure."


"It did at first, but I'm getting used to the idea. Seeing you happy makes me happy."


"I promise that you'll always come first."


"Is that a pun?"


Jeanne giggled. "Yes, I guess it is."


I kissed Jeanne. She smiled, but then her smile disappeared. I watched her. It was obvious that she was thinking. Finally she said; "Michael I want to say something. I think it's important."




"I'm afraid that you might take it the wrong way and I don't want that."


"I'll try to listen to you and understand what you tell me. If you think it's important you do need to tell me. Remember, the only way this can work is if we're completely honest with each other."


Jeanne nodded and then she took a deep breath and said; "I understand why we fell in love, got married and are so happy with each other. We're very similar people. We care about each other and we're both usually considerate about each others feelings. I say usually because I really fucked up on this one."


I smiled.


Continuing, Jeanne said; "I think that's one of the reasons I enjoy dating other men."


I suddenly understood exactly what Jeanne was trying to say and I had to admit that it made perfect sense to me. It actually helped me understand and accept what she was doing. 


"Jeanne I think you're telling me that both of us are givers and once in a while you'd like to have sex with a man who's a taker so you can focus all of your attention on pleasing him."


Jeanne considered that. After a moment she said; "That's exactly what I was trying to explain. Is that all right? I mean I wouldn't want that all the time. You're a wonderful, caring lover. I love you and sex with you is always magnificent, but once in a while it would be fun to have sex with a really demanding man."


"Yes, it's all right. In fact it helps me understand what you're doing."




"Yes, it makes sense to me."


"Thank you Michael, thank you for having such an open mind."


"So tell me, is Trent Peters a demanding sex partner?"


Jeanne stared at me. Suddenly realizing that she thought I was upset, I said; "Jeanne I'm not angry."


"Okay, but you have to understand that the last time we talked about him you hung up on me."


"Yes, I'm sorry about that. There are still going to be times when my emotions get the better of me. Also, the sex we've enjoyed this evening has helped me a lot. I don't feel as neglected as I did before."


Jeanne nodded. "That's why I knew I had to come out here. I had to make sure you knew that I found you sexually desirable."


I smiled. "You've done a pretty good job of that."


Jeanne smiled back at me.


I said, "So tell me, is Trent Peters a demanding lover?"


"Michael, are you sure that you're not angry."


"Yes, I'm positive."


"Then I don't understand, why are you asking me about him?"


"Do you remember what I said to you during our telephone call last night? It was just before you told me about Trent Peters."


"We talked about a lot of things, but the call ended so disastrously that I've forgotten most of it. After you hung up all I could think about was how to find a way to talk to you again."


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"I'm sorry, I told you earlier; sometimes my emotions are going to overwhelm me. I'm trying to keep that from happening, but once in a while things get out of hand."


"I know and I understand. Actually I think you're doing a commendable job of keeping your emotions in check. We also have to remember that I'm the cause of all these problems. I think you're entitled to an occasional outburst of anger."


"We're both trying."


"Yes we are. Please refresh my memory. What did you tell me last night?"


"I told you that I thought that we need to try to use the time we're apart to address some of the problems that are likely to occur after I return. I explained that I'm reasonably certain that eventually you'll find men that you enjoy both sexually and socially. When that happens you're going to want to see them regularly. That's going to be hard for me. I'm going to need some opportunities to get used to it."


"Yes, I remember now. You want me to find a boyfriend right away so you can have a chance to get used to the idea while you're still away from home. That's why I told you about Trent."


"That's right, it's much easier to get used to something when it's not occurring right in front of you."


"But you want me to tell you about him. You want to hear about my dates with him."


"I need to hear about every detail. I need to hear you tell me how much you're enjoying him. It's the only way I can get used to the idea."


"It's a little like the fantasy games that Ruth and David are playing. I'm fairly certain that eventually Ruth is going to start dating. When that happens the fantasy games will have helped David prepare for the real thing." Jeanne sighed. "That's what I should have done with you. I should have been playing fantasy sex games with you for the past year."


"I would have enjoyed them, but were you ready to play games like that a year ago?"


"No, I don't think I was. Still I should have waited to start dating until we'd had a chance to play those games for awhile."


"That may be true, but it didn't happen; so now we have to do it this way."


"Okay, I understand. You need to hear about Trent Peters."


"Do you want to start dating him?"


"Yes, I think I do."


"Then you need to tell me about him. We need to be able to talk openly about him."


"What do you want to hear? I already told you how I met him."


"Yes, and you told me about sucking his cock while he was sitting on the couch in our living room."


"That was when you got upset."


"Yes it was, but now that I've been treated to a couple of your blow jobs I don't feel quite so neglected."


"I'm glad I came out here."


"I am too. When you sucked Trent's cock did you make him cum?"


"Yes, I'm learning that most guys cum pretty quickly the first time. When I'm with a guy I try to make him cum right away. That way when he starts fucking me he can last a little longer."


"I assume that you let Trent fuck you."


Jeanne stared at me. After a moment she said; "You just called him Trent. In fact you called him that twice. You always call Derek Fischer, Fischer."


"I was angry at Fischer. I don't have any reason to be angry with Trent Peters."


"Is it because you've had a chance to get used to the idea that I'm letting other men fuck me?"


"I suppose that is it."


"I'm beginning to grasp what you're trying to do. The more we talk about all of this the easier it gets for you. Do you think there's a chance that you'll eventually reach a point where you actually do enjoy it?"


"I think it's possible. I am a voyeur. It definitely appeals to that part of my personality."


"Would you like to hear more?"




"After I sucked him..."


"Jeanne before you go on can I ask you a question?"




"When Trent orgasmed did you let him cum in your mouth?"


"No Michael, he ejaculated on my tits. You're the only man I'll ever let cum in my mouth." Jeanne quickly added, "That's not just because I love you, it's also a health issue. I don't want a stranger's semen in my mouth."


"That makes sense. You were about to tell me what you did after you finished giving him a blow job."


"We moved into Tricia's old room."


"Are you going to redecorate it?'


"Are you sure that's all right with you?"


"I want you to do it. I was even planning to buy you an erotic painting to hang on the wall."




"Would you like that? Maybe you'd rather pick out your own paintings."


"I can have more than one painting and I really would like to have a painting that you selected for me."


"Would you like to go to some art galleries tomorrow? We can pick out a painting together and have it shipped home."


"Michael I really would like that."


"Then we'll do it. Now back to Trent. What happened when you got to Tricia's room."


"We quickly undressed. We were both pretty excited. As soon as we were in bed Trent went down on me."


"Was he good?"


"Not as good as you are. I don't think he enjoys doing it as much as you do. I think he mostly did it so that I'd be nice and wet when he fucked me."


"Of course."


"He only ate me for about a minute, then he climbed on top of me and pushed his cock into my cunt."


"Was he good at fucking?"


Jeanne nodded. "He was wond..." She stopped herself in mid sentence. "I'm sorry Michael, I didn't mean to say that."


"Why not? If it's true I want you to say it. Jeanne we have to be able to be honest with each other. It would be naive of me to believe that I'll always be better than all the other men you date. Actually I hope that's not the case. If you're going to do this I want you to experience some wonderful sex."


"Thank you Michael." Jeanne paused. She thought for a moment and then she said; "It's not that Trent is better than you are Michael. You're both accomplished sex partners. You're both good, it's just that you're different. Tonight sex with you was a wonderful shared experience. It was magical. The night I was with Trent he took me. He controlled me. It felt like he was using me. I certainly wouldn't want only that. I need the magical sex that we had tonight, but once in a while it's fun to be taken."


I nodded. "I'm a giver, Trent's a taker."


"I think that's right. You're different people. You have different temperaments."


"I'll bet Trent would love it if you licked his ass while you were giving him a blow job."


"I'm sure he would, but it won't happen. That's a pleasure that I intend to reserve solely for you."


"Why? I don't actually enjoy it that much. I'd rather lick your ass. If you want to reserve something for just me that's what I'd like."


Jeanne smiled. "You are a giver."


"Yes I am."


"But I don't think you're submissive, at least not like Paul is to Tricia."


Chuckling, I said; "No that's not me." I paused for a moment and considered what Jeanne had just said. Finally I said; "I've never really thought about that. While I love watching adult movies I've never been particularly interested in the female domination movies and there are a lot of them out there."




"I think it's a pretty common fantasy for men."


"David is starting to express some submissive desires to Ruth."


"She told you that?"


"We talk all the time."


"How does she feel about David being submissive?"


"She's pretty excited about it."




"Ruth has told me a little about what she was like before she married David. Believe me Michael, she was not a prude."


"She was pretty wild."


"Before she met David she was dating a guy named Nick Granger."


"She mentioned him in an email."


"They were pretty adventurous. She told me they did quite a bit of swinging."


"I never would have guessed that."


"She loves David. After she met him she left all of that behind her. Now that they've started this fantasy game I'm pretty sure that it's just a matter of time before Ruth starts dating other men. I also think that like Tricia, she has a strong dominant streak. I think she's going to take full advantage of David's submissive inclinations."


"You're telling me that it won't be long before she's wearing the pants in the family."


"I think that's always been the case. No, I'm talking about more than that. I think that David is gradually going to become Ruth's servant."


"They have two kids. How will that work?"


"They'll keep it toned down around the kids."


"So do you have a dominant streak?"


"Do you want me to have one?"


"Are you asking me again if I have submissive desires."


"You told me you didn't, but then it seemed like you started waffling."


"I'm pretty sure I don't, at least not a very significant streak. I don't think it's a case of you are or you aren't. It's more like a continuum. I'll never be way out there with Paul or David, but I probably lean a little bit to the submissive side." I smiled. "I could easily spend weeks with my face buried in your cunt. I also loved licking your ass tonight and I was pretty so so about having my ass licked."


"Weeks with your face buried in my cunt, now that's a tantalizing prospect. I'll remember that when you finally do come home." Jeanne winked at me.


I winked back and then I said; "I think my real kink is voyeurism."


"You do love your adult movies."


"You still haven't answered my question. Do you have a dominant streak?"


"Not really. I think I'm like you, I maybe lean just a little bit to the submissive side of the continuum; but not very much. I loved licking your ass tonight, but I also loved it when you licked my ass. Right now I think I just like doing anything that's slutty and nasty." 


Grinning, I said; "You're a slut and I'm a voyeur."


"We make a great pair, don't we."


"Yes we do."


For a moment we smiled at each other, but then Jeanne's smile vanished. She looked at me with a serious expression and said; "Michael, were you serious when you told me that you wouldn't mind if I licked Trent's ass?" 


"Do you think you'd enjoy doing that?"


"Michael please don't get mad, but when I think about doing it to him my pussy absolutely gushes."


"It would be pretty slutty, wouldn't it."


"It really would."


"After your date will you promise to call me and tell me all about it?"


Jeanne laughed. "Yes Mr. Voyeur, I'll call you and tell you every nasty little detail."


"Is that a promise?"


"Of course."


"Then as soon as you get home you'd better call Trent and invite him over to the house for an evening of hot sex." 


"You're sure you're okay with that?"


"Yes I am, and if you wouldn't mind I'd like to make a suggestion about what you might do when he gets there?"






"Okay, go ahead."


"I think you should have him sit on the couch just like you did the last time he was there, only this time as soon as he's seated you should take off his shoes, his socks, his pants and his underwear and then you should stand up and do a little strip tease for him."




"Are you telling me that you wouldn't enjoy doing that?"


Jeanne sheepishly answered; "No, in fact it's an unbelievably exciting idea."


"I thought it would be. After all you are a slut."


Giggling, Jeanne said; "Yes I am."


"And you'd like to be Trent Peter's slut, wouldn't you."


"Would that be okay?"


"Do you promise that you'll still love me?"


"Oh fuck yes! I'll love you more than ever. You'll be the most wonderful husband in the entire world."


"That works for me."


Jeanne kissed me hard on the lips. I kissed her back. After we kissed we held each other. As we held each other Jeanne whispered, "Michael Nolan, you're the only man I'll ever love."


"I believe that Jeanne, I really do."


We held each other for a few minutes and then Jeanne sat up, reached over to the bedside table and picked up the tube of lubricant that she'd taken from her purse earlier. After handing it to me, she rolled over onto her stomach and said; "Will you lube me up."


Chuckling, I said; "I'd be happy to do it." 


Jeanne has a gorgeous ass. I looked at it for a moment and then deciding that it wouldn't hurt to give her a quick kiss, I set the tube of lubricant on the bed, spread her ass cheeks, bent over and planted my lips on her anus.


Giggling Jeanne said; "That feels good, but it's not what your supposed to be doing."


Ignoring Jeanne, I pushed my tongue into her asshole. She cooed, "Michael, that really does feel good."


I gave her several deep licks and then I sat up and said; "Sorry, I couldn't resist."


"Baby, as far as I'm concerned, you can do that anytime the mood strikes you."


"I'll remember that while we're touring San Francisco tomorrow."


Jeanne burst out laughing. "Are you suggesting that we might occasionally slip off to a ladies room for a little fun?"


"It sounds like a good idea to me."


Still laughing, Jeanne said; "I can just imagine telling a woman who's impatiently knocking on a stall door. Just a minute ma'am. We'll be out as soon as my husband's finished licking my ass."


"This is San Francisco. She probably wouldn't bat an eye."


Rolling her eyes Jeanne said; "Enough silly chit chat, grab that lube and grease me up. I'm ready to get fucked in the ass."


I picked up the lube. Both of us were giggling. I pulled Jeanne's cheeks apart and squirted a generous amount onto her asshole.


Jeanne said, "That feels weird."


I started rubbing the lube around her anus with my fingertips.


"Ooo, but that feels good."


I squeezed some lube onto my finger and pushed it into her. It slipped in easily.


"That feels really good."


I added some more lube and pushed a second finger into Jeanne.


She said, "That feels really really good."


I pushed a third finger into her and started fucking her.


"Oh my god Michael, that feels amazing."


"Are your ready to try my cock?"


"Oh yes."


I pulled my fingers out if Jeanne's ass and rubbed the excess lube onto my cock. Then I squeezed some more lube onto the head and rubbed it in with my hand. Once I was ready I said, "How do you want to do this?"


"I was hoping you knew. You watch all the dirty movies."


"Those are porn stars. They're doing it as much for camera angle as comfort. A lot of times they start out with the woman on top, but from what you told me Trent's probably going to want to be on top."


"I'll start out on top. This is my first time. Before I worry about anything else I need to find out how it feels to take a cock in my ass."


"That makes sense."


"Lie back. I'll start out facing you. I think I'll be able to control what's happening better that way."




Jeanne sat up, turned so that she was facing me and straddled my hips. After taking a moment to get comfortable she reached behind her and took hold of my erection.


I smiled.


She said, "You like it when I hold your cock, don't you."


"Damn right."


"Let's see how you like this." She slowly sat back. 


I felt her rub the head of my cock in the crack of her ass. After finding her asshole she held my erection in place, sat back and slowly guided it into her anus. 


Jeanne was so well lubed that I easily slipped into her. Still, she continued to move slowly. As she gradually took more of my cock she smiled at me.


Smiling back, I said; "How does it feel?"


"Weird, how does it feel for you?"


"Actually pretty good."


"Are you ready? I'm going to take the rest of it."


"Go for it."


Jeanne sat back. Suddenly the full length of my cock slipped into her asshole.


Gasping, she said; "Oh my."


"Are you still okay?"


"Oh yes."


"Does it feel good?"


"It does." Jeanne started to move up and down on me. "How does that feel?"




"I like it too, but now I'm ready to try a more daring position."


"One that Trent's going to like."


"Is that okay?"


"Definitely, what would you like to try?"


"I want to be on my back."


"I'll have to kneel and you'll have to pull your legs up."


"Okay, let's try it." Jeanne rolled off of me, lay back and spread her legs.


As I moved into position between them I leaned down and gave her cunt a quick kiss. 


She giggled. "I like it when you kiss me there."


"I like it too."


Jeanne pulled her legs back opening her ass to me. Laughing, she said; "I'm glad I still go to the gym five days a week. I need to be limber to do this."


"Are you ready?"




I pushed my cock into Jeanne's ass. I moved slowly. She whispered, "That feels nice."


As soon as I was all the way inside her I asked, "Can I start fucking you?"


"Yes, but be gentle. I'm still a little nervous about this."


"Don't worry, I'll be careful, slow dancing only." I started fucking Jeanne's ass with a slow easy rhythm. 


"Michael, that feels nice."


I picked up Jeanne's hand and placed her fingers on her cunt. She grinned. "What a good idea." She started rubbing her clit. I matched the motion of my hips to the rhythm of her fingers. We danced together. Our excitement started to build. 


Suddenly Jeanne stopped and said; "I want you to take me from behind."


"Will Trent want that?"


"Yes, I think he will."


"Then let's try it." I pulled out of Jeanne. As she rolled over I asked, "Is Trent a tall man?"


"He's about the same height as you."


"Try lying on your stomach. It may not work, but let's try it."


Jeanne lay flat. Straddling her, I leaned forward so I was lying halfway on top of her and then I pushed my cock back into her ass. As I started fucking her I asked, "How is this?" 


"It's comfortable, but I'd like to try it on my knees. Will you be able to reach me?"


"I think I can if I half stand. Let's try it." I pulled out of Jeanne. She raised up on her hands and knees. I quickly figured out that if I stood on one leg and kneeled on the other I could comfortably slip my cock back into her ass.


I started fucking Jeanne again. At the same time she balanced on one hand so that she could rub her clit with the fingers of the other hand.


Once again our excitement started to build. Jeanne whispered, "Faster and harder! Take me! Fuck me!"


I started fucking her harder


"Yes, that's what I want. Fuck me! Fuck my asshole!"


I felt the sensations of pleasure building in my loins. Suddenly Jeanne arched her back and screamed. "Yes! Fuck my ass!"


As the waves of orgasmic pleasure rolled through Jeanne I pulled my cock out of her rear and jacked myself off on her butt cheeks. As Jeanne's orgasm subsided she collapsed on the bed. I lay down next to her. 


For a moment we both lay in contented silence. Finally Jeanne turned to me and asked, "Did you enjoy that?"


Nodding, I said; "I did, but honestly I enjoy fucking your pussy more."


Jeanne smiled. "Me too. Why did you pull out? why didn't you cum inside me?"


"I don't know much about this. I was afraid that if I came inside you I might be giving you a semen enema."


"Thank you, I appreciate the concern. I don't know either. That won't be an issue with Trent. He'll have to wear a condom."


"It was fun experimenting with you."


"That was fun." Jeanne sighed. "Michael, I'm sorry that we haven't been experimenting like this for the past year."


"It's okay, that wasn't an attempt to make you feel guilty. I understand why you weren't experimenting with me. I just wanted you to know that I enjoyed doing it."


"Me too. After we shower tomorrow morning would you like to do some experimenting with oral sex? We can take turns doing each other and discussing what we like and don't like."


"That would be fun."


"Michael, I'm really tired. Would it be all right with you if we go to sleep now?"


"Yes, that would be fine, it's been an exciting day and you also had a two hour time change."


"That's right, I did. No wonder I'm so tired."


"I'll get you a towel. Between the lube and my cum I think you must be kind of messy."


"Thank you, that would be nice."


I hurried into the bathroom, found a towel for Jeanne and quickly returned to the bed. She was just barely awake. I pulled down the covers, wiped her clean as best I could and tossed the towel on the desk.
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