Umm

**secondjag** · December 12, 2021

A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl says in a sweet and sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay."
Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, please stay."
Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
Santa begins to sweat.
The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay."
Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the resents to the children, you know."
Santa wipes his brow.
She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay....."
Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!"

Stan, an elderly gentleman, opens the door to his apartment and finds a beautiful young girl stealing his money.
Stan says, "I'm calling the police."
She says, "Please, mister, I'll be sent away for years if I'm arrested again. Please don't call the police."
Stan says, "I have to."
She pleads, "I'll do anything. You can have my body."
Stan says, "Get in bed."
The two of them are in bed and Stan tries and tries, but nothing happens. Finally, he gives up.
"It's no use," Stan says, "I can't do it. I'll have to call the police."

**secondjag** · December 13, 2021

**secondjag** · December 13, 2021

My wife and I were watching Who Wants to Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex.

The mother is going up and down on the father, and when she sees her looking at them she immediately stops.

“What are you doing, Mommy?”

The mother is too embarrassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”

The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”

The mother has a confused look on her face. “Why do you say that sweetheart?”

The little girl replies, “Because mommy, every time you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

**secondjag** · December 14, 2021

Me and a few guys always get together on Fridays after work.
One Friday, Chad showed up particularly late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp.
Then he turned and said, "Times they are getting tough. I mean, just today, my wife told me that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week! I can't believe it."
At which point I put his hand on Chad's shoulder and said reassuringly, "You think you've got it bad? She's cut me out altogether."

Mickey Mouse visits his lawyer one day.
He says to his lawyer, "Tell me, what’s the current status with my divorce to Minnie?"
His Lawyer replies, "Well I've got to tell you, Mickey, I have a bit of a problem with your case. "

"What is that? " Mickey asked.
"You can't just divorce your wife because she's stupid."
Mickey turns to him and says. "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me. I said she was fucking Goofy!"

Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart. "I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for 'Mr. Right'," he said dejectedly. "That's a silly old romantic notion," laughed the coed. "I'm just waiting for Mr. Big."

**secondjag** · December 15, 2021

During a university course in human sexuality, the instructor was discussing various items in the Kinsey report.

The class members gasped audibly when the instructor read out that a woman had several hundred orgasms in a single session.
A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?"
A female voice followed with "The hell with her. Who was HE?"

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention too:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft, and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to His Celestial supercomputer, typed in some keywords and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

**secondjag** · December 16, 2021

A window cleaner goes to a monastery looking for work. The Abbot hires him but tells him to clean all the windows except the top three.
So the window cleaner cleans all the windows except the top three for years and years until curiosity finally gets the better of him. He puts his ladder up against the first of the three windows and looks in. he sees 12 monks with their robes up and their cocks lying on a table with a mouse running around on top of the table.
The window cleaner goes down the ladder moves to the second window and looks in. There he sees a beautiful woman and a monk in bed screwing like mad.
The window cleaner goes down the ladder and puts it up against the third window. He looks in and sees a monk tied up, stripped to the waist being flogged.
He climbs down the ladder, but when he gets to the bottom the Abbot is waiting for him. The window cleaner says, "Look, I know your going to fire me, but please, at least tell me what is going on up there."
"Well," says the Abbot, "in the first window you saw a competition to see which is the lucky monk. Wherever the mouse stops is the lucky monk. And in the second window you saw a monk with the prize."
"But what about the third window?" the window cleaner asks.
"Well," says the Abbot, "that monk was caught with a piece of cheese in his foreskin."

Kaktuscpl · December 16, 2021

2 hours ago, secondjag said:

A window cleaner goes to a monastery looking for work. The Abbot hires him but tells him to clean all the windows except the top three.
So the window cleaner cleans all the windows except the top three for years and years until curiosity finally gets the better of him. He puts his ladder up against the first of the three windows and looks in. he sees 12 monks with their robes up and their cocks lying on a table with a mouse running around on top of the table.
The window cleaner goes down the ladder moves to the second window and looks in. There he sees a beautiful woman and a monk in bed screwing like mad.
The window cleaner goes down the ladder and puts it up against the third window. He looks in and sees a monk tied up, stripped to the waist being flogged.
He climbs down the ladder, but when he gets to the bottom the Abbot is waiting for him. The window cleaner says, "Look, I know your going to fire me, but please, at least tell me what is going on up there."
"Well," says the Abbot, "in the first window you saw a competition to see which is the lucky monk. Wherever the mouse stops is the lucky monk. And in the second window you saw a monk with the prize."
"But what about the third window?" the window cleaner asks.
"Well," says the Abbot, "that monk was caught with a piece of cheese in his foreskin."

OMG......The N.S.A. "haven't seen any porn......Are you OK" Dude that is fucking funny as fuck

I have a paranoid/conspiracy nut buddy,going to try put this on his laptop ....MUUUUWWAHAHAHA!!!! (evil laugh)

**secondjag** · December 17, 2021

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with, "Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"

"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."

So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..."

The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"

The man did not know.

"Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife.

So they held the lighter between Chet's legs.

Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life, "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

**secondjag** · December 18, 2021

**secondjag** · December 18, 2021

Michael returned home one night to find his wife lying naked in bed.

His eyes went wide, and he began to strip, only to stop suddenly when he saw a cigar in the ashtray beside the bed.
"All right," Michael shouted, "I demand to know where this cigar came from!"
A muffled voice came from under the bed, "Havana."

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Should I really shave my balls?
If I don't, she'll surely bitch,
Does she care how much I'll itch?

Take the razor and lather up,
(Gawd that bitch is so corrupt)
Don't she care that I could slip?
Shave my balls - and cut off my dick?

Easy now - hands don't shake,
She'll call me "Stumpy" with one mistake.
Pubes in her teeth she really can't bear,
If I want some head - get ridda the hair.

So I shave my balls all nice and slick,
Did it up nice - without one nick!
"Feel 'em baby - they're so smooth!"
"Take off your clothes - get in the groove!"

She looks at me from our little bed,
"I'm sleepy, Baby - ain't givin' no head!"
She rolls on over - and gives me her back,
I'm so pissed off - I'm about to crack!

Next day it's breakfast in the sheets,
I spoon her bites which she gladly eats.
And I must confess I think it's fair,
That her omelet was made with pubic hair!

Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their seventies when they got married.
They had to wait for Millard's mother to pass away first.
Back in those days there was no hanky panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.
Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years.

However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not do it.

Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part.
Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed.
When she reappears in her silk satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed. Not knowing how to get things started he pulls the first strap on her nightie.
She blushes just as red as her silk satin nightie. She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition.
In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen since his own mother's.
It is hanging there down to her belly button: gravity having taken it's course over some sixty years.
He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going have to be helped a little more.
Now he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him.
Poor Mildred is now beside herself.
She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart.
With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says, "Chester I have acute angina."
Chester says, "I sure hope so. Cuz you've shore got ugly tits."

**secondjag** · December 19, 2021

Out in the Wild West, Jesse James's gang forces a train to stop, and Jesse climbs on board. He bursts into a passenger car, pulls out his guns, and fires.
Blam! Blam!
"All right!" he yells. "I'm Jesse James, and I am going to screw all the men and kill all the woman!"
Blam! Blam!
"That's right!" he growls. "I'm going to screw all the men and kill all the women!"
A guy in the front row says, "Uh, Mr. James, I think you've got it backwards."
Suddenly a high-pitched man's voice in the back calls out, "Excuse me, but Mr. James is robbing the train!"

Morris a ninety-year old man lived in a retirement home and got a weekend pass.
He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink.
He noticed a seventy-year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink.
As the evening progressed, Morris, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on.
Two days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor.
After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.
The old man said, "Sure did!"
The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived.
"Yes,...but why?"
"Well you'd better get over there... you're about to cum."

**secondjag** · December 20, 2021

**secondjag** · December 21, 2021

Morris was screwing his best friend's wife when he suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands.
"What the hell is your problem?" the lady asked.
"I feel like a regular son of a bitch, getting my best friend's pussy," the man moaned.
The lady reached over and patted him on the back.
"Well, if that's all it is, you can stop worrying," she said.
You're not getting his pussy...."His pussy is 2 to 3 inches deeper."

After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician.
"Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Oriental."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month."
"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust."