A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. It's a hooker. He'd never been with a hooker before.
"Twenty bucks," she says.
He decides what the heck, it's only twenty bucks.
They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.
Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know"
"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face!
Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years.She greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today.""Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today."Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker.As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary."Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day.""Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning."Mother Superior was floored!"Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me."Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face."Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."
My Birthday
That morning, I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, Happy Birthday, and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ‘Happy Birthday’. I thought…. ‘…..well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids…. they will remember.’
My kids came bouncing downstairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word.
So, when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected.
As I walked into my office, my handsome boss, Rick, said, “Good morning, pretty lady, and by the way, Happy Birthday!” I felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o’clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, “It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go to lunch just you and me.”
I said, “Thanks, Rick, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”
We went to lunch, but we didn’t go where we normally went. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each, and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office Rick said, “It’s such a beautiful day; we don’t need to go straight back to the office, do we?”
I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind?”
He said, “Let’s drop by my place, it’s just around the corner.”
After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, “If you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.”
“Ok,” I nervously replied. He went into the bedroom and after a couple minutes he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, my parents and dozens of my friends, and co-workers all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there on the couch…..totally naked!
The local vicar is having a bath, and he's a little bored, so he decides to, 'pleasure' himself. He's quite happily tugging away, reaches the old moment of bliss, and opens his eyes only to see, at the window, the window cleaner, jaw agape at what he's just seen.
A couple of minutes later, the doorbell rings - it's the window cleaner.
The vicar is understandably embarrassed, and asks the man how much he owes him.
"50 quid" comes the reply.
"50 quid?!?" says the vicar, startled.
"Yep, fifty quid, or I tell the whole parish about what I saw, you perv."
So the vicar hands over the cash, and the cleaner gets on his way.
The following week, the bishop's round for his supper and is having a wander round the vicar's house, admiring his lovely home.
He says to the vicar, "Lovely clean windows you've got there, Vicar, who does them for you?"
"Oh, a guy from the village does them for me, he does a great job," replies the vicar.
"Oh, yeah. How much does he charge you, then?"
"Well," replies the vicar, "fifty quid, actually"
"Fifty quid? Blimey!" says the bishop. "He must have seen you coming."